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Elaine convinces President Garcetti to send Bud to negotiate with the Iranian president for the release of the three American journalists. The meeting is set to take place in neutral Oman, but Vice President Gomer Pyle gets pissy and blabs the deal to the press. When Elaine cusses him out, Doug knows something is up with his mother. She confesses that she's sick of all the (male) assholery in D.C. and wants to run for office again. Doug is furious, citing all the problems they had during the last run and all the problems they will continue to have if she subjects them all to another race. Elaine's got bigger problems to face, like trying to find a new place for the negotiations. She turns to the Turkish ambassador, who agrees to give them haven in Turkey if she'll go on a date with him. Everyone is after Elaine's ass in one way or another.
Susan Berg accompanies Bud on the trip, where they spend much of the time discussing product placements. Bud has her pose as President Garcetti's "special envoy" and fakes out some ultra-secret negotiations. It works, somehow, and President Hakam hands over the journalists. Bud, feeling horny with victory, beds one of the poor fools. He returns just in time for a scaled-down version of Doug and Anne's engagement party. He dances with Elaine while Nana and Thomas perform "The Second Time Around" at the piano. He has surmised that Elaine plans to run for president again and sent him to Turkey as a way to redeem his public image. She denies it, but as we see through a series of flashbacks, she's got a way of sticking with him even when she shouldn't.
On the familial front, Thomas steals a check from Nana so that he can invest in the nightclub of his dreams. It's dumb and he gets called out on it, but Doug feels sorry for him or maybe believes in him (or maybe both) and decides to give him the money himself. Doug eventually apologizes to his mother for his earlier outburst, saying he supports her if she runs again, but then calls Susan for a secret meeting. He tells Susan about his mother's plans so that Susan will expose her in the press. Susan, having just come to respect and understand Elaine, is torn. Stay tuned for the full weecap.
Want more? The full recap starts right below!Let's travel back to 1997, shall we? Bud is in the Oval Office, spewing some colorful language at a senator over the phone. Elaine walks in, looking markedly younger and mousier than her present-day self. She also looks pretty distraught. She asks the various security guys and office workers to leave. "Sarah Latham," she says to Bud. He plays dumb for a bit, but Elaine's not buying it. "Oh, that homely gal from your advance team," he says, suddenly remembering. "The one that you fired--" She cuts him off. "Did you sleep with her?" Bud makes a face like Beaker the Muppet when he knows something bad is about to happen. Elaine says Latham has come forward with details, but Bud denies everything. He says hasn't cheated since he's been in office. "I've been good, just like we talked about!" Elaine picks up a priceless vase and hurls it at Bud. Sadly, it hits the wall behind him.
In the present day, Elaine stares at the same vase, either meticulously repaired or repurchased from the Qing Dynasty aisle at Pier 1. She's still wearing the same clothes from her motel hookup with Bud so we're picking up right where we left off last week. Garcetti and the rest of the team hear her proposal for rescuing the journalists in Iran. The Vice President interrupts, volunteering to go to Iran himself. Elaine, her back to him, performs a world-class eyeroll. Everyone basically ignores him as Elaine presses on. Garcetti gives the impression that he's simply too tired to argue with her and finally acquiesces. He assigns Barry and the Veep to come up with a statement for the press.
Doug meets her outside the office to get all the particulars. He's also just a little bit confused as to why his mother is sending his father to head the negotiations. Elaine tells him to worry about his engagement party instead. Not only is it being postponed, it won't be at the zoo. This should make Anne happy, since she didn't want all the fuss, but Doug doesn't look relieved. Elaine moves on to the subject: "Has T.J. called you? I'm just getting that knot in my stomach." It's probably that high-waisted skirt you're wearing. "You know, I could be gone 24 hours and no one would even notice," Doug says. He says it with a smile, but a lifetime of being taken for granted as the Good Child gets to be wearing. He's still working on finding his brother.
His brother is currently getting coke snorted off his naked torso by a cute guy. It's a different cute guy from the last time. Thomas goes on about his nightclub/restaurant dreams until someone angrily starts pounding on the door. Thomas panics and the guy's like, "Don't worry, it's just my boyfriend!" He says the boyfriend won't be mad because Thomas is on the list of famous people he can cheat with. Thomas, noting the boyfriend sounds pretty freakin' mad, dives headfirst out the nearest open window.
Globe offices. Susan Berg gets ready for trip and asks her assistant to pass along a message to her editor/ex-boyfriend. "Tell him I just turned in a story no one else has. Tell him I'm on assignment but the destination is embargoed. Tell him I already moved our stuff out of our apartment and tell him he's a lying, cheating piece of shit." The assistant balks, so Susan tells him to put it in quotes. "You're just reporting the news." She needs to hire a less squeamish assistant. I, for one, love calling people lying pieces of shit! Cue the rocking credits with "Future Starts Slow" by The Kills, which is kind of an odd choice, even if it is a pretty great song.
At some point after his self-defenestration, Thomas called his brother. Doug pulls up by the curb where Thomas is sitting, soaked by the rain and missing his shoes. Doug exhibits the weariness of one who's done this -- or something like this -- many, many times. He promises not to give their mother all the dirty details. This is the first time they mention being twins. Doug is three minutes younger and seems three decades older. Even his sweet reminder to his brother to put on his seatbelt seems almost parental.
Bud boards the plane and finds Elaine waiting for him. "Hey, shugah, look at us! Just like ol' times!" He drops down into the seat to her. "I'm here to brief you, Bud, and that's all," she says. "Well, go ahead, you're the boss," he says as if he's humoring her instead of speaking the truth. Elaine goes over the particulars of his mission, but Bud's barely listening. He interrupts to tell her he's broken up with his starlet girlfriend. He's under the impression that he and his ex-wife are "reconnecting," an idea that Elaine greets with dismay. Elaine tries to get back to the matter at hand, but Bud is aghast to see Susan boarding the plane. Elaine explains she's covering the trip as part of her feature. "She won a Pulitzer for hating our guts!" Bud protests. "Turns out she doesn't hate us," Elaine says. "Just you." As she gets up to go, Susan rushes over to thank her again for the opportunity. In just those few seconds, Bud has gotten up out of his seat and is already holding court with the rest of the plane's passengers and crew.
Elaine's flashback picks up where she left off. "I did not have sex with Sarah Latham!" Bud swears. "And that is the God's honest truth!" Although it depends on what your definition of "is" is. He promises up and down that he's not lying. Elaine would dearly love to believe it's true, and so she does.
Present. Thomas gets a bit of finger-wagging from his grandma for making them all worry about him. It doesn't last long and then they're going through boxes of her old stuff to find sheet music from her "Vegas days." She wants the two of them to perform a number at Doug and Anne's engagement party. It must be horrible, sometimes, to be related to musically inclined people.
35,000 feet in the air. Daniel from Ugly Betty approaches Susan. He's surprised to see her, considering how much the Hammonds hate her. They banter a bit. He's Gary, a fellow journalist and a philanderer. When Bud summons Susan for a chat in private, Gary assumes panky of the hanky variety will be involved. Thankfully, Bud mostly just wants to talk about how awesome Skype is and how much he loves playing Words With Friends. Of course, since this is Bud Hammond, he also has to be gross. He makes a leering comment about green M&Ms and says something about "ladies who like a stiff one" when Susan asks the flight attendant for vodka.
Morning. Elaine has finally had the chance to wash the Bud off her and change into clean clothes. She gets to her office just in time to see Vice President Weasel-Face talking to the press about the hostage negotiations. He basically blabs all the details, which necessitates changing the venue from the prearranged meeting site in Oman. Elaine calls him up and calls him out for being the pissy little shit that he is. Doug is a little stunned. He presses his mother, knowing that something more is going on here, judging by her actions over the last few days. "I'm sick to death of the bullshit," she says, "and of the egos and of the men. I am sick of the men." She goes on ranting for a bit, then tells her son that she's going to run for president again. He brings up all the political reasons this is crazy--like it being only two years into her own boss's first term-- but has to put the personal reasons on hold when the Sultan of Oman calls.
Margaret and Thomas are still looking for appropriate engagement party music. Margaret lands on "Second Time Around," even though it's a poor thematic fit for Doug and Anne. It's... it's almost like she read ahead in the script and saw that she would be singing while her divorced daughter and ex-husband are dancing! Margaret talks about falling in love with a trumpet player in Vegas. She talks about his "embouchure." "It's a horn player's bread and butter," she explains to her oddly confused, musically trained grandson. "The mouth, the lips... the buzzing they made with they blow." Before she can go on about the killer hummers he gave, the doorbell rings. Deliverymen have arrived with flowers for the party and need a check, which Margaret writes out. Seems like the kind of thing that Elaine would have an account for, but then Thomas wouldn't be able to steal a check from his Nana's purse.
Susan is handily beating Bud in game after game of Words With Friends, but he's just setting her up for the kill. The conversation turns, again, to sex. Bud talks about what a rush it's going to be to free the hostages and how big a thrill he had thwarting some Somali pirates during his first term. Susan notes that Sarah Latham wrote in her book that their affair started then, which Bud does not deny. An attendant interrupts to bring Bud a laptop so that he can Skype with Elaine, instead of using whatever private communications system the U.S. government surely has at its disposal. Elaine tells him they're going to Turkey instead of Oman: "But we don't have any concessions to offer, so do what you do best -- make shit up."
Elaine tracks down the Turkish ambassador to a nearby Turkish bath and invites herself inside. Though most of the towel-clad patrons are older and paunchy, the ambassador kind of has it going on. He looks as she walks towards him. "Perhaps I steamed too long. I must be dreaming," he says with a little laugh. "Serkan, I need a favor," she says. She explains the hostage situation, why they need Turkey and why it would be good for his country. When he hesitates and she asks him what he wants, he reminds her of the many flowers her sent her after her divorce. "Perhaps you would agree to dinner with me," he says, giving her an appreciative look. If he's hot for her even in the hideous lavender number she's wearing, he must really be hot for her. Eventually, she accepts, saying, "You're a scoundrel, Serkan, but an honest scoundrel."
As they leave the building, Doug says she's putting too much faith in his father to deliver the goods. Trusting him hasn't worked out for her in the past, as he points out. Instead of, oh, say, updating everyone on the new Turkish plans, Elaine and Doug decide to have it out. He's still reeling from her decision to run for office again and lists many good reasons why it's dumb and/or illogical. He reminds her of the last campaign and how exhausted she was. "Douglas, I can handle it," she says. "What about the rest of us?" he asks. "Anne is ready to leave me. T.J. can barely keep it together. Say we do survive two years of campaign hell; where does that leave our family?" "Hopefully in the White House," she quips, not really hearing what he has to say. Doug is most upset because he thinks his mother wants to get back together with his father. He knows about her secret meeting with Bud the day before. "Look at you! The smartest, most powerful woman on the planet and you can't even see that he is gonna hurt you all over again, just like he does every time!" He's shouting with rage by the end of it, and Elaine stands there taking it, ashamed.
1997. Elaine gets ready to talk to the press in support of her husband. Bud talks her out of it by admitting Sarah Latham's accusations are true. She breaks down crying. She's devastated. And yet, all I can think about is her truly horrible blouse.
Istanbul (Not Constantinople). The plan touches down and Bud tells Susan to cover her hair and follow him. Without telling her the plan ahead of time, he brings her into the hangar to meet President Hakam. He takes one look at the wheelchair-bound man and says, "I hope you feel better than you look, because you look like shit." What a skilled negotiator. He introduces Susan as Garcetti's "special envoy." Susan hides her surprise well. As they sit down to talk, Bud pretends like he's got nothing to offer in exchange for the journalists. He tells Hakam he's "bat-shit crazy" for capturing them in the first place. How does this guy ever get anything he wants? Hakam remains firm, so Bud goes over to chat with the "special envoy" and hammers out a totally fake deal. He goes back to Hakam and says he'll get his visit from Garcetti as he wanted. Unfortunately, it will be at Hakam's funeral. Bud promises to tell the world that it was Hakam's dying wish to bring America to the peace table. It sounds like a shitty deal to me, but Hakam is nearly in tears from gratitude.
Doug and Anne are in the middle of trying to get it on when once again, the stress of their engagement intrudes. Just as soon as Doug reassures her that everything will be fine, the crisis shows up in the form of Thomas at their door. He's drunk and/or high and looking for a place to crash. He confesses to his brother about stealing a check from their grandmother. "You know what the best part is? My business partners wouldn't even take it! They said it was fine if I didn't have the whole nut, all they really needed was my name." He laughs and cries because he's kind of their Paris Hilton. "How did I even become this person?" Doug offers him the money on the condition Thomas cleans up his act. Thomas hugs his brother and agrees to the terms. Surely this will come back to haunt the both of them.
Back on the plane in Istanbul, everyone celebrates with champagne. Bud wastes no time in hitting on one of the freed hostages because he is a truly awful human being. Susan is feeling pretty frisky, too. When Gary tries to interview her about the negotiations, she pulls him into the bathroom for some very cramped sex.
Margaret has come up with an excuse to make her song choice fit, which is that it's Doug and Anne's second attempt at an engagement party. I love Margaret, but that is lame, lame, lame. She also confronts Thomas. "Where's my check, you little shit? Did you forge my name and cash it?" Ashamed, he gives back the check. He tries to explain, but she already understands. The trumpet player she so loved was Thomas's grandfather. He had no idea his grandfather was a musician until now. Grandpa was an addict, too. He got beat up by some dealers who knocked out all his front teeth and split his lip in two places. So long, embouchure. Washed up, he was found dead five years later in a motel. "So you don't have to tell me your story, honey. I know your story. I know how it ends." Thomas looks shaken.
Party time. Doug pulls his mother aside. "I meant what I said yesterday about how difficult this is going to be," he says, "but if anyone can pull it off, you can." They hug and smile and then Bud shows up and asks his son for a hug. "But not one of your pussy hugs!" he clarifies, ever so charmingly. Bud then turns his charm towards his ex. "Shugah," he drawls. Does he realize it's not really a special nickname if he calls practically every woman the same thing? Margaret and Thomas perform their number so that Bud and Elaine can dance to something meta. Bud has figured out that his ex intends to run for president again. He thinks she sent him on that mission to "boost his numbers." "Yes, Bud, I am going to run for president," she admits. "Without you."
Flashback. Elaine asks Bud to promise he'll never cheat again, but he's at least honest enough to tell her she should leave him. "I'll cheat again and I'll lie again and I'll break your heart again," he says. Elaine looks devastated, but says she isn't leaving. She says some weird, horrible thing about how she got married to the whole country the day Bud took the Oath of Office. I appreciate the effort to explain why Hillary -- er, Elaine -- would choose to stay with her womanizing husband, but that is just awful martyr crap right there.
Back to the present. Bud and Elaine dance as Susan writes her feature piece. It's a glowing review of the Secretary of State both professionally and personally. "I've written a lot about Elaine Barrish in this paper over the years. I've criticized her for just about everything, from her policies to her marriage, to her motives, to her hair. I was right about the hair, by the way. I've written a lot of things about Elaine Barrish, except 'Thank you.' I've never written that, until today." Ugh. Also awful.
That night, she meets with Doug in an empty street. "Why are you telling me this?" she asks. "Because if I don't kill this now, it'll start all over again," he says. "My parents have spent their lives putting this country before their family. Somebody has to put our family first. We can't take another run -- we won't survive it." Susan says she can't go to press with this without confirmation. Doug tells her to find it. "My mother is going to run against Garcetti, that's all I can tell you," he says. With that, he drives off and leaves Susan to stand there, looking ever so slightly torn.
Email Tippi her at b_tippi@yahoo.com, or find her on Twitter at @TippiB.