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Bud Hammond: Former president and darling of the nation. A flagrant misogynist and racist, prone to calling women "hot piece of asses" and Italians "dagos." Hungry to get back into the political spotlight, he's not above manipulating his ex-wife into bed in order to secure a diplomatic post.
Garcetti: The current president. Floundering and depressingly pragmatic, he allows a hostage situation to go south in order to secure a nuclear peace treaty with Iran.
Susan Berg: Ambitious journalist who made her name by exploiting Bud Hammond's infidelities. Once wrote a supposedly feminist book titled "When Bitches Rule." Secures a week-long interview with Elaine Barrish in exchange for not going to press with dirty secrets about her son. Her editor/boyfriend gives the dirty story to a hot young blogger, with whom he's also having an affair.
The Hammond boys: Douglas the dutiful son who works for his mother, plans to marry soon, wound tighter than a spring. T.J. the self-destructive gay son who attempted suicide, and has a flair for fashion and drugs.
Elaine Barrish: Formerly Elaine Barrish Hammond. Former FLOTUS, currently Secretary of State. Whip-smart about almost everything besides her ex-husband. After a hookup in a sleazy motel, she realizes he's been flattering her so she'll send him to Iran for the hostage negotiation. It's still the best option, so she doesn't rescind the offer, but hopefully she's wised up for good. At first finding herself at odds with Susan Berg, the two come to a sort of mutual respect. Elaine, fed up with the cynicism and incompetence around her, decides to run for president again.
Stay tuned for the full weecap.
Want more? The full recap starts right below!Lending an air of verisimilitude to the story, Andrea Mitchell introduces us to Elaine Barrish Hammond in the form of a news report on the former First Lady's bid for the office of the President of the United States. She was also once Governor of Illinois, a mighty fine killer of aliens and an overly romantic spaceship. Her resumé is long and impressive. The report is upbeat, as is the cheering crowd waiting for Elaine's appearance in the ballroom of a downtown Chicago hotel. The only one who doesn't seem especially happy is Elaine, who solemnly picks out a maroon jumpsuit/jacket combo while Andrea drones on in the background.
We watch the proceedings as if watching MSNBC's live coverage. It's actually kind of a neat way to slog through a lot of exposition. As each person makes his or her way to the ballroom stage, a reporter fills us in on the particulars. There's Douglas Hammond, Elaine's son and tireless campaigner. He's accompanied by his Japanese-American girlfriend, Anne. up is Thomas, or "T.J." to his family, as the reporter says. "Everyone kept waiting for his homosexuality to be an issue, but nope, it never was!" What an awkwardly written and spoken line. Elaine's mother Margaret joins them up on stage . Now a jazzy number starts to play and the crowd goes nuts as Bud Hammond enters the room. "Man, they love this guy!" the reporter gushes. Bud shakes hands and jumps up on stage playing air guitar. I hate him a little bit already. The reporter notes that the former President got into some trouble for calling his wife's opponent incompetent. That seems like kind of a mild thing to get into trouble for.
Finally, Elaine gets up on stage and addresses her adoring supporters. Only at this point do we learn that her bid for the nomination was unsuccessful and she's conceded the race to Paul Garcetti. She addresses the young women watching and tells them encouraging things about the future of women running for office. My feminism has failed me a bit, because I'm terribly distracted by the red PVC obi she's wearing with her maroon ensemble. Once away from the scrutiny of the cameras, Elaine lets the cheerful facade fall away. On the way back to Elaine's office, Bud is stopped by a small throng of supporters. A young woman asks him to sign her pin, which is perched precariously near her heaving bosom. "Mr. President, why can't you run again?" she asks. "Would if I could, honey," he tells her. Honey. Hate levels... rising. Margaret tersely tells him to move along.
The family and a few aides hunker down in Elaine's office. Bud is none too happy about the results of the primary. He says things like "retard" and "that Eye-talian shit show" in a cartoony Southern accent that is more Foghorn Leghorn than Bill Clinton. After listening to him drone on a bit, Elaine shoos everyone else out of the room. She hates campaigning. She hates lying. She hates the hypocrisy of it all. Nonetheless, she plans on getting behind her former opponent and expects Bud to do the same. But Bud thinks it's Garcetti (or, as Bud puts it, "that greasy Michael Corleone knockoff") who should be kissing up to him. Elaine has an epiphany while Bud is crowing all over himself. Her husband is always going to put himself first. He can't get out of his own way long enough to support her. He can't fathom that this election and her loss has nothing to do with him. As she packs up and heads out of the room, she stops long enough to tell him she wants a divorce. He gapes at her, too stunned to reply.
Two years later, Washington, D.C. Elaine sits down with a journalist named Susan Berg at the U.S. Department of State. Susan wants the particulars of Elaine's divorce, which she thinks was politically motivated, but Elaine isn't especially forthcoming. Susan won a Pulitzer early in her career for writing about Bud's affairs. "I'm curious," Elaine says. "What is it like launching your career by stepping on the throat of someone else's marriage?" Susan is momentarily thrown. "His adultery was a story. I covered it," she explains. Elaine points out that Susan hasn't won any Pulitzers since then. Susan changes the subject and asks Elaine about campaigning for Garcetti after she lost the nomination. (There's a flashback to a campaign stop in Atlanta, where Garcetti and Elaine dance together in a cute, hokey and completely politically unrealistic way.) In the present, Susan asks if Elaine turned down a veep nomination and asked specifically to be named Secretary of State. Elaine denies it, saying that she was called by the President to serve. (Another flashback: The Russian Foreign Minister surreptitiously grabs her ass during a press conference. She keeps her cool until they're away from the cameras, at which point she threatens to separate him from his testicles. She tells him, in Russian, that she will fuck his shit up.) Back to the present, where Susan notes that Elaine's popularity skyrocketed after the divorce, to the point that she would win the election in a landslide if it were held now.
Conversely, Bud's popularity has waned. It doesn't help that he's dating a TV starlet. (A flashback shows him having dinner at a fancy restaurant, where he's complaining to some guy about Garcetti, calling him "this goombah shitface" and "greasy dago ass" loud enough for anyone to hear. He then spots the young actress at the bar or "gorgeous piece of tail," as he calls her. She's so charmed by him and his giant schlong that she takes them both for a ride.) Elaine's had it with this bullshit and wants to know what Susan is after. It turns out Susan has some super-secret story about Thomas that she's agreed not to run in exchange for spending a week with Elaine. Susan gets her Lois Lane on by pelting Elaine with annoying, personal questions about the divorce and her ambitions. Susan seems somehow offended on a deep, personal level. Elaine leaves the interview without answering.
Once she's back in her office, Elaine asks Douglas and an aide whether there's any way for her to get out of the deal with Susan. They don't advise it, considering the story she could tell about Thomas. An assistant comes in to tell Elaine she's been summoned to the White House.
Susan heads back to the paper, griping to her assistant about what a bitch Elaine is. It turns out Elaine had her banned from the White House for six years for saying Elaine "epitomized the death of feminism." Speaking of the death of things -- Susan hears a girlish giggling coming from her editor's office. A perky young blogger named Georgia is, like, sooo happy that her blog hit a million unique visitors that she made cupcakes! After Georgia eventually scampers away, Susan has a chat with her editor, who is also her live-in boyfriend, Alex. He gives Susan a reassuring kiss, but she cuts it short for the sake of professional appearances. In the middle of a relationship chat, someone calls to tell them something's happening Iran. Something's always happening in Iran.
This time, it's the capture of three American journalists in Tehran. After interrogation, they confessed to being spies for the U.S. Elaine is just learning about this in the Situation Room at the White House. President Hakam is threatening a trial and death sentence in the 48 hours unless Garcetti negotiates for their release in person. Elaine is flabbergasted. Then she realizes nobody else in the room is flabbergasted. "How long have you all known about this?" she asks. Vice President Gomer Pyle pipes up with, "Well I, for one, am just finding out." Elaine is still baffled as to why they wouldn't call the nation's top diplomat. Everyone's all, "Oh, well, we didn't want to bother you since you have your son's engagement party this week." She makes a mental note to wear hip waders to the shit-filled meeting. She can't figure out why Hakam is pushing this sham trial right now. Everyone acts like they don't know, but clearly they do. Douglas gets all het up when Garcetti wants Elaine to read a prepared statement, which is apparently against policy.
Douglas is still fuming when he gets back to his mother's office. He's railing about lies and corruption and taking a stand and then his mother bats him about the head with a handful of rolled-up papers like he's a misbehaving puppy. (Note: Please do not hit any actual puppies with rolled-up papers.) Elaine gets him back to the real issue at hand, which is the capture of the three Americans. She can't figure out what Hakam has to gain by picking this particular fight at this particular time. Elaine goes to the press conference with a statement from her own speech writer.
At Elaine's pad, everyone's getting ready for a dinner party. They're calling it a "salon," which is what I'm going to call all my small dinner parties from now on. Elaine comes home to find her mother and T.J. already drinking (Jack Daniels margaritas -- shudder) and complaining about "that bitch Susan Berg." Thomas follows his mother up to her room, excitedly telling her about meeting with some investors. He wants $50k from each of his parents to invest in a nightclub/restaurant. Elaine is halfway through turning him down when she notices the gold brocade dress on her bed. It's a slightly less frumpy version of Hillary's 1997 Inaugural Ball gown. Thomas picked it out for his mother to wear, saying, "I didn't get all the gay genes, but I got the style one." Based on this sartorial choice, I'm going to say... no, you did not. Elaine tells Thomas that Susan Berg has the story of what happened to him last December. Thomas tries to act like it's no big, but he's putting on a brave face. His mother knows it, too. She agrees to give him the investment money if his father also agrees. Then it's all smiles and hugs and happiness. Thomas offers to help his mom with her hair, because apparently there's a gay gene for that, too.
By the time Elaine makes her way down the stairs, all the guests have arrived. Elaine is seriously overdressed. Bud is appreciative though, casting a lecherous glance in her direction, even with new girlfriend Eva at his side. He remembers the dress from a 1997 state dinner. As the mingling begins, Susan makes her way over to Margaret Barrish, who lobs insults like grenades before casually walking away. Things don't really get much better at the dinner table. Eva tries to join in the conversation, but sounds like a shallow nitwit. The Japanese Ambassador tries to speak Japanese with Anne's parents, but there's a communication breakdown. "My parents were born here," Anne says, "as was I." The talk turns to the coming engagement party, to be held as a fund-raiser at the zoo. The whole time, Anne looks slightly uncomfortable, and becomes more so as Elaine goes on about how perfect she is. Anne promptly takes her perfect self to the bathroom, sticks her perfect fingers down her throat and throws up her dinner. Perfectly. In a show with only six episodes, is there really time to cover her problems, too?
She rejoins the party in time for Bud's speech. He's surprised it wasn't his son Douglas who turned out to be the homosexual of the family. "Boy was as gay as a spring dress," he says. "Clothes had to be perfect, hair had to be perfect." Thomas giggles delightedly. Then he finishes up by saying Douglas found himself the perfect wife-to-be. Perfect, perfect, perfect. Anne is never going to stop throwing up now. With everyone feeling pretty good, Thomas decides now is the time to hit his folks up for the money. They do this away from the rest of the party, which is good because it goes to hell pretty quickly. Bud outright refuses to front the money. "I'm not doin' it and neither is your mama." Way to speak for your ex-wife, asshole. Elaine doesn't stand up for herself. Bud rattles off a list of his son's failings -- starting with his multitude of boarding schools and his no longer playing the piano -- and ends with "the stunt" Thomas pulled last December. When it's later revealed what really happened, Bud refers to it this way makes him even more reprehensible. Thomas is hurt. Elaine and Douglas look sad, but nobody speaks up for him. "I hate this family," he says. "How am I ever supposed to do something important if nobody ever helps me?" If his family were less awful, I'd call him a big baby who needs to grow up. For now, I'm feeling sympathetic. It's only after Thomas leaves the room that Douglas defends him and calls their father a joke.
Thomas goes to the bathroom of choice for the self-destructive set and snorts up some cocaine. Meanwhile, his parents stay behind to talk. Bud is all "shugah" and "baby" and trying to butter up his ex. She resists, so he turns the subject to the Iran crisis. Of Hakam, he says, "He wouldn't poke America in the eye unless he knows he's got a deal and a handshake." Why couldn't Elaine -- the Secretary of State and the nation's top diplomat -- figure this out on her own without Foghorn? He tells Elaine to stay out of it or she'll just piss off Garcetti, who he's convinced is in on the whole thing. Of course, he's saying this knowing that Elaine will do the opposite. To sweeten the deal, he reminds Elaine that she's still the "foxiest piece of ass" he's ever seen. Instead of making her way to the Bathroom of Pain to throw up, she rejoins the party. Thomas is playing a jaunty ragtime number at the piano, which makes his parents realize instantly that he's high and/or crazy. Ragtime is the devil's music!
In his hotel room later, Thomas does more coke and hooks up with some guy he met online. Thomas's identity turns out to be a surprise to the guy, because apparently Thomas only identified himself with a snapshot of something other than his face. They start making out and tearing off each other's clothes and then the guy pulls away so he can have a fanboy moment. "This is gonna sound kinda weird, but I gotta tell you," the guy says. Thomas sighs. "Yeah, you've wanted to sleep with me since I was a teenager in the White House." The guy is pretty nice combination of adorable and hot, so Thomas decides to make his wish come true. Sadly, that's where their scene ends.
Meanwhile, Douglas and Anne are going at it pretty hot and heavy until Anne starts talking about Elaine and his boner dies. "Okay, there has to be a rule against discussing my mother while I'm inside of you." Anne's feeling the pressures of being in the public eye. She wanted a small party; Elaine wanted a fund-raiser at the zoo. Douglas admits that's a part of being in this family. They start kissing, but before they can get really back into the swing of things, Elaine calls. It turns out the grabby Russian foreign minister is in New York ahead of coming to D.C. for the engagement party, which is news to Douglas. Elaine wants him to get her in to see the Minister, without actually letting ol' Kutyuri Ballsoff know ahead of time.
As Susan gets ready for bed, she wonders how Elaine could still so obviously have feelings for Bud. She thinks it's sad, but Alex is sympathetic. Susan recalls Elaine as the valedictorian when she graduated law school, getting a ten-minute standing ovation. "What happened to that girl, and how did she decide to sit out the 20 years catering to a man who repeatedly cheated on her?" Alex manages to segue into asking Susan snagged the interview with Elaine. "I'm not asking as your editor -- I'm asking as your boyfriend." Susan hesitates, takes a deep breath, and says, "T.J. Hammond tried to kill himself." This was the "stunt," as Bud ever so sensitively called it. Susan has a contact at the hospital where T.J. was admitted under an alias. Susan says she feels creepy even talking about it, swearing that she never intended to actually write the story. Alex points out that she wasn't above using it as a threat. Even though he promises not to tell anyone, it's pretty obvious that he's going to do just that.
The day, Susan accompanies Elaine on her flight to New York. They're not quite BFFs yet, but Elaine seems to have warmed to Susan ever so slightly. She admits to reading Susan's book on feminism, titled "When Bitches Rule." Susan, slightly embarrassed, says, "I was trying to reclaim the word." Elaine blames the book's poor sales on its title. "After all, never call a bitch a bitch -- us bitches hate that." Douglas interrupts this budding feminine bonding to deliver the news that the American journalists have been found guilty by the Iranian court. Hakam will have them executed in 24 hours. When Elaine gets back to work, Susan is impressed by her resolve. Elaine gives a great speech about the horribleness of life. "But you'll never get to the great moment if you don't keep going," Elaine says. "So that's what I do: I keep going."
New York. Ballsoff plays strip poker with several young ladies. The good times are interrupted by Elaine's arrival. He tries the "my translator isn't here" route to get out of talking with her, but she points out he went to Yale and she's not buying his crap. She wants him to get her a meeting with Iran's ambassador to the U.N. Ballsoff resists, but Elaine threatens to tell his wife about his naughty poker game. He agrees to do as Elaine asks. "Not because you threaten," he says, "but because you got balls, and I respect balls." She could still add yours to the collection, mister. He also compliments her ass, although this time without the grabbing. Later, the Iranian ambassador arrives and is shocked to find himself face to face with Elaine. He doesn't want to talk to her, and officially he can't talk to her, but Elaine trades on their history. They've known each other a long time. She knows he's a good man. She needs to know what he knows about the journalists.
After the meeting, Elaine goes to Garcetti in the Oval Office with what she's learned. Hakam is dying. He wants to put a stop to his own country's nuclear program, but knows he won't make any inroads with the support of ultra-conservatives. The capturing and impending execution of the American journalists (or, alternatively, getting Garcetti to bow to pressure) are Hakam's way of currying favor. As Elaine talks, she realizes nothing she's saying is news. "You already knew what he was up to and you're just letting it happen." The Chief of Staff is outraged, but Elaine's like, "Shut up, Barry." Garcetti admits that Elaine is right. He and a few others have known about the plan all along. They were against it, but did nothing to stop it because it will lead to a nuclear treaty with Iran. Garcetti is feeling pretty disillusioned about his job and feeling pretty sorry for himself, too. "It's not enough to have the courage of your convictions," Elaine says. "You have to have the courage of others, too. Those were your words during our last debate. The voters believed you. I believed you. Someday, sir, it'd be nice to be working for the man who beat me." Garcetti shrinks to microscopic size as Elaine leaves the room.
Douglas is waiting for his mother in the hallway. The story about Thomas's suicide attempt is out. Elaine's voice reads out the details as we see her in flashback, finding an unconscious Thomas in his car as the garage fills with carbon monoxide. The story is up on the Washington Globe's website, as penned by blogger Georgia Gibbons. Elaine turns her anger on Susan as Douglas departs in search of his brother. Susan swears she had nothing to do with the story, but Elaine doesn't care. "To you people, my son has always been just another drug-addicted cautionary tale, responsible for all of his own misfortunes, but he was the first openly gay child of a president." Elaine breaks into tears. "You will never know the vitriol -- the evil -- he suffered when he came out -- against his will -- as a boy in the White House, and yet you trade on his pain and suffering to coerce me into this story." She screams at Susan to get out, which she does and wisely without another word in her own defense. Elaine picks up the phone and calls someone. "I need to see you right away."
Meanwhile, Thomas is at his dealer's house, laying in to a supply of fresh coke. The two of them watch the latest news report. Omar offers his sympathies and then asks for an autographed picture of Thomas's hot, hot mama. In the middle of this, Douglas calls and Thomas lies that he's just fine and hanging out with his sponsor. Douglas knows it's a lie and his order of business is to call their mother and tell her just that. He's going to put off the rest of his plans for the day in order to track down his brother. "You're a good brother and a good son," Elaine tells him.
While one son is dutifully tracking down her other son, Elaine has a Secret Service agent take her to a little no-name motel. There, waiting for her, is Bud Hammond. While one son self-destructs and the other is on a mission to save him, these Parents of the Year are about to seek comfort on a lumpy motel mattress. Elaine says she's having a terrible day and needs Bud to make her feel like everything is going to be okay. I hope bed bugs eat them both alive.
Susan confronts Georgia over the story. "Of all the industries available to you, looking the way you do -- porn, reality posting -- you chose journalism." Georgia is a shallow ditz, but attacking her for her looks not only flies in the face of Susan's staunch feminism, but muddies the issues with her own insecurities. Georgia calls her a bitch. Susan tries to use Elaine's "never call a bitch a bitch" rejoinder, but Georgia has one last dagger for her: Alex approved the story.
This stuns Susan most of all. When she goes to Alex about it, she realizes not only did he betray her confidence in giving Georgia the story, but that he's also sleeping with her. Alex chases her through the office, trying to apologize, but his idea of an apology includes trying to make it all Susan's fault. She didn't want to move in with him, she doesn't want to marry him, her career is more important to him than their relationship. "You know that I'm sorry," he says. "You don't make it easy to love you." She is agog at this utter assholery. "It's not supposed to be easy, you asshole! 'Easy' is Georgia! 'Easy' is where you can spend the night while I'm moving out!"
Back at the No-Tell Motel, Elaine and Bud cuddle in post-coital bliss for a bit and then discuss their troubled son. They're both at a loss as what to do with or for him. Eventually, Elaine gets up and starts putting her clothes on. She tells Bud that she's going to get the President to send him to Iran to negotiate for the hostages. When Bud is completely unsurprised by the idea, she realizes he's been manipulating her into precisely this move all along. She's absolutely incensed. "Did we sleep together because of politics? Sure," Bud says. "But it was also about luuuv!" Elaine storms out, half dressed and hobbling on one high heel like she's leaving a frat party. The Secret Service agents exchange knowing looks. Once back on the road with her agent, she starts laughing and doesn't stop until she's almost in tears.
Elaine meets with Susan that night at the zoo, just outside the elephant enclosure. Susan apologizes for the story and accepts responsibility. She also tells Elaine about her boyfriend/editor sleeping with the journalist who went to press with the story. "For years, I wrote about you being an affront to women because you stayed with your husband," she says. "Then when I went to pack tonight, it was one of the hardest I've had to do." Elaine is sympathetic. She explains it took her 30 years to find the strength to leave Bud. She then gives Susan a juicy story by telling her that Bud will be going to Iran. Before they go their separate ways for the evening, Elaine tells Susan just why she loves elephants. They're majestic, fearsome, but still gentle. They're a metaphor for women. They're metaphants. Elephors? Anyway, Elaine goes on to say elephants have a matriarchal society. "And when the males reach mating age, they kick them the hell out of the herd." Susan laughs and beams admiration at Elaine.
Elaine gets back into the car with her Secret Service agent. "Can you keep a secret, Clark?" she asks. "That's my job, Madam Secretary," he says. That... and getting hookers. "I'm going to run for president again," Elaine says. "And this time -- I'm gonna win." This gets her a big ol' smile from the agent. That's one voter down. Five more episodes to go. Is that enough time to explain how unrealistic it is for her to run against her boss when he's only halfway through his first term? For all USA's touting of this as a "limited series event," it sure feels like a setup for an ongoing series.
Email Tippi her at b_tippi@yahoo.com, or find her on Twitter at @TippiB.
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