Pasadena. Home of the Rose Bowl Parade, or what is probably by now called "The eBay Rose Bowl Parade" or "The Prudential Rose Bowl Parade, Brought to You by Kodak and Pepsi." The place where a little old lady terrorizes Colorado Boulevard in her shiny red Superstock Dodge. The rather unremarkable suburb of Los Angeles where a lot of entertainment industry events take place. No, not Burbank. The other one. Pasadena. It also happens to be the setting for one of the darkest, edgiest dramas to hit television this year.
And that drama would be Six Feet Under. But now there's this new show, Pasadena, one that strives to add even more darkness and edginess to our understanding of this heretofore unacknowledged 'burb. Who knew that Pasadena had such untapped reservoirs of strangeness? Certainly not the residents, who have described on the forums how incredibly dull the place is.
And the setting isn't the only similarity to SFU. In the place of Alan Ball, mastermind behind the edgy, mainstream film hit American Beauty, we get Mike White, mastermind behind the edgy, indie film hit Chuck and Buck. And instead of indulging Oscar-winning actress Kathy Bates with an occasional role as a guest director, we get Oscar-winning actress Diane Keaton. And instead of a show that's been written up and analyzed all over the place, we get about seventy-five words in Entertainment Weekly's fall preview. It's an injustice! Reba got more press, for crying out loud.
As the premiere opens, Diane wastes no time yanking out the camera tricks. A teenage girl, wearing a black beret-like hat that gives her an unfortunate resemblance to Monica Lewinsky, walks down a flight of stairs, surrounded by dozens of cameras and reporters. Our point of view is through the various cameras recording her descent, so the shots are getting jostled around from being in the middle of the action. Dude, get off my foot! Those reporters from Channel 7 are so pushy.
We get a voice-over, as the girl at the center of attention introduces herself as Lily Greeley McAllister. Her narration is all over this episode (though I hear it trails off in later episodes), so I'll take a page from theMy So-Called Liferecaps and abbreviate future voice-overs with the designation "LVO." As Lily makes her way toward a car, which inexplicably seems to be parked in the middle of the foyer of the building, she LVOs, "I'm a Greeley of the Pasadena Greeleys. We Greeleys are an interesting family. In Pasadena, we were the family. People idolized us. Or they demonized us. But no one really knew us. We were a mystery." She gets in the car; it drives out of the building, leaving the reporters behind. Lily continues to VO that since the family's recent scandals have become public, they've been on the news and in all the tabloids. A cut outside the building reveals that she was in City Hall. Wow, the Greeleys must really be powerful if the were allowed to park inside the building. Did they have to drive down the steps to get out? LVO concludes the scene as the car drives off, saying that everybody thinks they understand her family, but she knows the real truth, which is supposedly something completely different. She promises to tell us all what really happened as she stares outside the car window, drawn to something happening off-frame that we don't get to see. And given the ratings for the premiere, I don't suggest holding your breath waiting for that mystery to be revealed.
We cut to a nighttime establishing shot of the outside of the fancy Greeley McAllister estate, henceforth known as The McMansion. It might well be Diane Keaton's house for all I know. Captioning reveals that we're flashing back to a year ago. And we won't be flashing back to the present again, except in the LVOs, or so it appears. The entire series seems to be based on Lily describing events that have already taken place. Inside, Lily pesters her dad, played by Martin "The Opposite of Unsexy" Donovan, about getting a car for her upcoming sixteenth birthday. She sits on his lap and tells him that she's done some research and has decided on an Audi A6. Dad charmingly indulges her blabbering for a while, but points out that he has to leave soon for a "cocktail party slash charity benefit." Yes, he says the "slash" part. And here I thought he was wearing that tuxedo just to look good for us.
While Lily is continuing to whine about how important it is for her to know whether she can have the car now, now, now -- and I'm so close at this point to rechristening her "Veruca Salt" -- Dana "China Beeotch" Delany strides in, wearing an ugly blue and white shift over an evening gown, to correct Dad that they're actually attending a "dinner party slash fund raiser." And I'm already tired of them not telling us their names, so I'll just tell you that they're Will and Catherine. Will tells Catherine that she looks beautiful; she frostily responds, "You sound surprised." Oh, welcome to the crumbling soap-opera marriage. Every pilot has to have one. Catherine points out that she's wearing the fancy diamond bracelet Will bought her. He asks her if she likes it. After a pause, she insincerely claims to love it and gives the briefest of fake smiles. And boy, has Dana Delany's voice register dropped. Now she sounds like her former co-star, Marg Helgenberger. Lily hectors Will all the way to the door about the car. Shut up, Lily. The 'rents leave.
Later that evening, Lily is relaxing in her bedroom, yammering on the phone with a friend about how all the boys at her school are in love with themselves. Yeah, welcome to SoCal, Lily. For most of them, it will be a lifelong affair (tm Oscar Wilde). She hears a thump and thinks that maybe her brother has fallen down the stairs or something. She calls out his name (Mason), but there's no response. She tells her friend that she'll call back and goes to investigate. She looks in on Mason, who has fallen asleep in his bed with a bad monster movie playing loudly on the television. Wow, they have soundproof rooms at The McMansion. You can't hear a peep from Mason's room with the door closed.
Lily hears another thump sound and realizes it's coming from downstairs. She goes down to investigate and discovers that one of the fancy French doors is ajar, and the sound is from it opening and shutting. Wouldn't the richest, most powerful family in Pasadena have some sort of security system? Will and Catherine just wander off, leaving their two kids to keep an eye on a house full of valuables? Lily turns on a nearby table lamp, then accidentally knocks it off the end table. It doesn't break, but the light bulb keeps flickering on and off, all the better to create creepy lighting for the rest of this scene. How artsy. Wait, I meant "contrived." How contrived.
Lily kneels down to try to fix the lamp, but screams as she suddenly notices a strange, unkempt man in the room with her. The man aggressively gets in Lily's face. She cries as the man accuses her family of ruining him. He presses her up against the wall by a fireplace, pulling out a locket and waving it at Lily, demanding, "What happened to her? Where do you keep her? Do you keep her in the house?" Oh, so both of the shows on the fast track to cancellation that MBTV is recapping (Wolf Lake being the other) have a missing woman as a plot-initiation device. Lily manages to grab a fire poker from to the fireplace, striking the guy with it and running away. You know, they should really promote fire pokers as home security devices. Do they ever use them on television for anything other than to beat off intruders?
Lily locks herself in a bathroom and calls 911. The man starts beating on the door. Lily tries to escape out of the window, but it's barred. What the hell is the point of having barred windows in the bathroom when you have big French doors in the living room? Diane Keaton gets artsy again and shoots Lily from her reflection in the mirror on the back of the door, which is vibrating from the intruder's attempts to get it open. She throws a flashlight at the door, cracking the mirror. Eventually, the door stops rattling. There's quietness. Lily cowers in the corner. Suddenly, there's the sound of a gunshot and a body hitting the floor.
Out front, Will and Catherine are just returning from their "dinner party slash fund raiser." A cop car zooms in, sirens blaring, right behind them. Catherine wonders if Will was speeding. The cops ignore them and head towards the house. Brief montage of the crime scene investigation. We get a way-too-close close-up of the dead man's face. A gun was found to him. Will gets loud with the cops, then hugs Lily as she cries on his shoulder. LVO explains that the man was named Phillip Parker. He spent his life in and out of mental institutions. Catherine watches, emotionless, while the man is carted out. LVO ends that the police seem to think it was just bad luck that he picked their house to invade. But Lily adds that this isn't where the story ends. It's just beginning. Well, we'll just see what Mr. Nielsen has to say about that, won't we?
Opening credits. Tinkly, slightly creepy jewelry-box music plays while somebody (presumably Lily) goes through family pictures and cuts some up and makes marks on others, etc. One of the pictures features some older men wearing women's clothing. Hey, Mark Snow, master of the sinister score, is doing the music.
Commercials. People who watch Pasadena are in dire need of better make-up and have bad hair. And they don't have any money, so they have to call people collect.
When we return, it's the day. Lily sulks, and Catherine deals with what's important -- replacing the bloodstained carpeting. LVO explains that there was no mention of the evening's events in the newspaper. This isn't surprising, as the Greeley family owns it and had the story suppressed. Nobody in the family wants to talk about what happened. Lily joins Will and little brother Mason at the breakfast table and asks if she can go to a Limp Bizkit concert with her friend Jennie. Rather than asking an obvious question, like why on earth Lily would want to stand around listening to Fred Durst whine about how women are always treating him bad, Will just gives her permission, but asks her to be home by midnight. Lily asks if she can stay at Jennie's after the concert; Will allows it. This sets off Mason, who, by the way, is wearing a camouflage visor backwards (at least it's not upside-down) and headphones at the breakfast table. He tries to rat Lily out by pointing out that Jennie's parents are diplomats currently living in Belize, leaving the two girls with the opportunity to party all night. Will doesn't really care, and Mason, insistent on snatching the title of "Most Annoying Younger Sibling" from Danielle Chase, whines that Lily gets to do whatever she wants because she saw a dead guy, concluding, "There's no justice in this world." Somebody needs a good backhand across the face.
We cut to school, where Lily is hanging out with Jennie, who is like a cross between Rayanne from MSCL and Cordelia while she was still on Buffy. Lily complains about having nightmares. Jennie complains that they might have to wear uniforms again because some girl wore a see-through crop-top to school. Jennie notes a cute boy sitting on a bench in a hallway. He's reading a book, which means he's smart and sensitive. ["He also guested on Freaks and Geeks, which means his acting might not suck." -- Sars] Jennie says his name's Henry Bellows, and he's new. Lily gives him a lingering look, but Jennie says she saw him first, so she gets first crack. Um. So to speak.
Oh, good. Lily attends that well-known television high-school class known as "Plot-Parallel Literature." They're discussing The Great Gatsby, about the reckless lives of the idle rich. Get it? Do you? The teacher wants to know if Tom and Daisy's reckless attitude makes them the book's villains. He calls on Lily, of course. She says they aren't evil, they're just selfish. The teacher wants to know if anybody else has an opinion. Since of course, only the characters who are part of the parallel plot are allowed to discuss the literature in question, the only other student with an opinion is Henry, who is sitting right to Lily. Henry claims that the villain is money: "Having all that money corrupts them. Makes them careless, manipulative, self-interested." Lily, predictably, thinks it's wrong to blame it on money. She blahs that you can do good things with money; he blahs back that you can't, because in order to be rich, you have to get that money from other people. It's a bad freshman debate about socialism. I regret to inform you that I used to be Henry. Except, unlike Henry, I don't look like the love child of Kerr Smith and Noah Wyle. Dammit. And now we'll pause for a moment to wait for those readers whose imaginations have run wild at the thought of a Kerr/Noah coupling to return. Back? Was it good for you, too?
Lily takes the fight out in the hall after class and whines at Henry for calling her a "princess." He tells her that he knows all about the Greeleys, that they're some of the worst offenders when it comes to the rapacious rich. Lily's all, "What? I know not of what you speak. Our family got rich by curing cancer and helping the homeless!" Then she tells him to "go to hell" with such little emotion that those words could have been the first three ingredients in a box of Frosted Flakes. She tries to stomp off angrily, but then Jennie ruins it by introducing herself to Henry and trying to flirt with him. Lily drags her away.
Cut to the McMansion, where Lily has returned home from school. She greets Rosa, their maid, as she dusts off some old family portraits. Even though Lily hasn't driven before, she seems very comfortable behind the wheel of the Ford Exposition, as she LVOs the history of her family. Lily's great-great-great-grandfather was an executive for the early railroad tycoons. He invested in a lot of real estate in Los Angeles. Her great-great-grandfather founded The Los Angeles Sun, the most important newspaper in the area. Her great-grandfather founded the Pasadena Country Club and the Pasadena Pavilion. All throughout this exposition, we're shown various black-and-white stock footage clips of trains and country clubs that a production assistant probably stole from the History Channel. Lily's grandfather, George, played by Philip "Law and Ord…No, Wait, That's Jerry Orbach" Baker Hall, sits on the boards of many corporations and is the chairman of the corporation that owns the paper, is very rich, and is, in Lily's words, "a cranky bastard."
And so we come to the big family dinner, a fine tradition of rich families on soap operas from time immemorial. How else are feuds fed, enemies humiliated, alliances forged, and subplots initiated? George is living up to his cranky reputation by speaking disdainfully about a decision to put a Spanish-language insert into The Sun. Lily's Uncle Robert, played by Mark "Once and Again -- and Then Maybe a Few More Times" Valley, defends the move, arguing that there are readers in Los Angeles that the publication isn't reaching because they don't speak English and zzzzzzzzz. Now I know why real-world careers aren't accurately represented on television shows. Because nobody wants to watch that. Lily's VO explains that Robert and Will went to college together, and that Robert is the heir to the crown at the newspaper. Will defends the inserts as well, but George still thinks it's stupid, because he became a powerful billionaire by arbitrarily refusing to consider new sources of revenue.
Catherine is busy keeping up appearances by showing everybody at the table the pretty bracelet Will bought her. LVO explains that Mom is interested in having a perfect house and a perfect family, and is desperate for her mother's approval. Lily, however, thinks waiting for Grandmother's support is a lost cause. And thus begins what I'm hoping does not become the dullest subplot in the history of television -- the Great Carpet Pattern Debate. Grandma notes the new carpeting Catherine bought, which has a vine pattern. Grandma dismisses it as "very busy." I just think it's ugly. In her head, I imagine that Catherine stabs Grandma to death a million times. Out loud, she simply changes the subject to her sister Beth and her sister's new boyfriend. Beth, played by Natasha Gregson Wagner, Natalie Wood's daughter, is the "nice girl" of the family, shrinking into the background with ease and simpering through her lines. LVO says that Beth has been more like a friend than an aunt to her, and that she struggles to find a boyfriend that the family approves of. Her latest beau works in "the music industry" (read: "stock boy at Blockbuster warehouse"). Grandmother asks about his family pedigree, and Beth lies that he's part of some big family in Houston.
We drift on over to Lily's Uncle Nate, played by Balthazar "Lost Highway, Found Detox" Getty. LVO describes Nate as the "black sheep" of the family, having been kicked out of several boarding schools and failing to complete college or hold down a job. He tells George about some friend of his from the past, "that little genius gay guy who used to drop Quaaludes in [his] beer." Before he can explain where that particular journey ended (I'm going to guess "emergency room"), Catherine cuts him off by reminding him that there are kids at the table. This "friend" of Nate's is starting some company and wants him in as a partner if he can come up with some capital. George immediately tells him to forget it. Nate whines that he didn't even get a chance to grovel before George shut him down. George just mocked the newspaper's efforts to bring in millions of new regular readers, Nate. What did you think he was going to say? Shouldn't have mentioned the 'ludes, man.
After dinner, Beth asks Lily how she's holding up as Lily escorts her out to her car. The two of them see Nate having a heated argument with George and Robert. Lily wants to know what's going on. After making Lily promise to keep it a secret, Beth tells her that they're freezing Nate's funds. They think he's "partying" again. Meanwhile, Grandma and Catherine chat about Grandma's upcoming anniversary. They want to have a big party, but since they're still redecorating their kitchen (read: "budget constraints that eventually forced the entire production to be moved to Vancouver"), they want to hold the party at the McMansion. Catherine agrees, and sees them off. Will tells Catherine that he needs to run, too. Catherine didn't know he had to leave; he explains he needs to run into the office to do some work. He leaves her behind with Robert.
It seems that "some work" in this case is a euphemism for "blonde office floozy" and the show doesn't waste any time letting us know. The very scene is of Robert showing Catherine photos of her wayward husband on the make. This threw me a bit at first. I'm used to soap operas setting up the affair for several weeks before the spouse is clued in. Catherine wants to know who the woman is. Robert says, "She's nobody. She's history." A single tear rolls perfectly down one of Catherine's cheeks as Robert promises to take care of the problem and tosses the photos in a nearby fireplace. Then he leans forward a little bit, and I suddenly note that the two of them have this chemistry, and that's just kind of wrong because they're brother and sister. Given the family's rather suppressed and repressed attitude, Robert's protectiveness is suspicious. As the scene ends, we get a montage of Will getting it on with the blonde, presumably in his office.
Elsewhere, Rosa discovers Phil Parker's locket while cleaning and asks Lily if it's hers. We get a flashback of the man's assault from earlier in the episode, perhaps for the benefit for the viewers who started watching the premiere of Thieves instead, but couldn't take it anymore and flipped the channel and are now coming in late. Lily sits on some stairs and VOs about seeing the face in the locket that would "decipher the riddle of [her] family." Inside is a picture of a young woman who, in my opinion, looks a lot like Lily.
Commercials. People who watch Pasadena have bad cell phone reception and wrinkles that need to be concealed with make-up, and want to see movies starring Drew Barrymore. And their pads leak. Ew.
We return with Catherine and Will sitting on opposite sides of their made bed, fully dressed. Catherine asks Will if he got any work done last night. Will is a little confused. How hard is it to remember your alibi about having to go to the office when you actually did go to the office? He recovers and lies that he did. Catherine stalks out of the room and out of the frame. We hear a door slam. You would think charming Will would be a better liar.
At school, Jennie bitches some more to Lily about the slutty girl whose crop tops will doom all girls to plaid skirts. Oh, and Jennie's wearing tight black leather pants. Somehow a "pot-kettle" analogy seems too Amish here. It's like the thong calling the pasties "crass." Lily's wearing some sort of do-rag. She always seems to have something on her head. Jennie runs off, and Henry immediately takes her place beside Lily. He did an Internet search and says he found all sorts of interesting stuff about the Greeleys. And of course, if it's on the Internet, it must be true. That's why my teeth are as bright as the sun, my penis is longer than my arm, and I made $10,000 last month just from surfing the Web. Anyway, Henry claims that his research shows that the reason Lily's great-great grandfather started a newspaper was to slant the news to protect and promote his economic interests and to get his cronies into power in government. And he claims that her grandfather (cranky George) spearheaded a campaign to keep Jews and Catholics out of country clubs in Los Angeles. Oh, I guess he doesn't want Latinos reading his newspaper, then. George is starting to sound like T. Herman Zweibel, the misanthropic, xenophobic "Publisher Emeritus" of The Onion, who is humorously stuck in a turn-of-the-century mindset. Lily is appalled that Henry investigated her family. Henry calls them "the WASP Corleones." Lily gets pissed and tells Henry to leave her alone, no doubt recognizing now the benefits of chasing after boys who are only into themselves. Henry tells Lily that perhaps she doesn't know her family as well as she thinks she does, hands his research over to her, and walks off.
We cut to Lily's McBedroom, where she's reading through Henry's info. She hears a noise. Having completely failed to learn a valuable lesson the last time, when she was assaulted and ended up hearing a man commit suicide, Lily goes to investigate. Wow, she really is dumb. This time, she spies Nate nicking the pretty diamond bracelet from Catherine's jewelry box. Nate doesn't notice her until he's about to leave. He gives her the "shhh!" gesture and scampers off.
Off we go to Robert's office at The Sun. The object of Will's affair walks in, and Robert addresses her as "Jayleen." Jayleen? I think she was my waitress at a Huddle House in rural Texas once. How did she end up working at a newspaper? Robert doesn't waste any time establishing himself as the family's "heavy." He tells Jayleen that he thinks it's about time that the two of them have sex. He walks across the office, gesturing with a golf club, and invites her to "take off [her] little blue jumpsuit, get on the couch, and demonstrate [her] greatest talent." Amazingly, for the fans of Mark Valley, she balks at such an opportunity. Okay, it's not an opportunity as much as it is nasty, crude sexual harassment. But in a less threatening context, who would say no? Who, I ask? Jayleen is neither amused nor interested. She prefers Will's sexy smirk to Robert's. Plus, Will doesn't call her a slut or a "self-made whore," or say that "she crawled out of the sewer," like Robert does here. Because it's her fault that Will had sex with her, right? He actually was just working, and then when he turned around, he discovered that his penis was suddenly inside Jayleen and he had absolutely no idea how it happened. Robert grabs her and threatens to ruin her if she doesn't do him. The shot is tight on their faces, so you can't see where Robert's hands are (great directing there, Diane. Not.), but he's got her clutched closed to him and appears to be squeezing her enough to make her feel pain. He forces her to kiss him, somehow. Then he fires her and tells her to leave in five minutes. She runs out, crying. Robert smirks. The men of Pasadena, they know how to smirk.
Lily is still looking over Henry's research in her McBedroom. She LVOs that dozens of articles revealed "the real Greeley family story." The articles have headlines suggesting influence peddling and conflict of interest with the Greeley family and their companies. Can you call them "family secrets" if they're printed on the front page of the newspaper in 42-point type? And if this family started a newspaper to protect their interests, how did these stories get published in the first place?
Commercials. Pasadena viewers would actually go see a movie starring Michael Douglas, have boring hair, need to collect bottle tops in order to buy decent clothes, and need to buy a Nissan Frontier to prove that they're manly. You all should hang your heads in shame. ["All seven of you." -- Sars]
We return to the McMansion, where the carpet-pattern subplot rears its ugly head again. Catherine is bickering with somebody on the phone about getting the new carpet installed before the big anniversary party. She joins Lily and Mason at some patio table on a deck. Lily is wearing what looks like a stocking cap for some reason. Maybe these hats are to disguise some of the reshoots they've done to make the show "darker." Perhaps there's a style change with Lily's hair they're trying to hide. Lily asks Catherine if they have any enemies. Catherine responds incredulously, wondering what Lily's talking about. Lily says that the family must have enemies, and brings up George's anti-Catholicism and anti-Semitic activities, and all the family's government connections and influence. Catherine, whom I'm beginning to suspect lives in complete denial about everything bad, chuckles and wonders what has gotten into Lily. Lily wonders if it is really just a coincidence that Phil broke into their house. She wonders whether the family did something to him. Mason, wearing those headphones again, calls her paranoid. Catherine laughs and calls her silly. Lily asks if Catherine knew Phil. She says she didn't. When Lily asks if perhaps other family members knew him, Catherine shuts her down, telling her that the guy was mentally ill and Lily needs to put it out of her mind.
Out at what I think is The Sun's parking lot, George drives up to Will's car (actually, George's chauffeur drives) as Will is leaving. George invites Will into his car for a chat. Will sits down, and George immediately shows him another copy of the prints of him making out with Jayleen. Will says that he's not going to sit there and defend himself. George says he doesn't have to, and gets his skeeve on. Here are his words of wisdom: "Marriage is a tricky business. I love my daughter, but I also know what it means to be a man. Just don't be an idiot, and run around with some tramp from the office." "What it means to be a man"? It's probably not worth ripping that to shreds, as it has been pretty clearly established that George is not a character we should be rooting for on this show. But still. Ick. And I wonder who he's screwing on the side, because he wouldn't say something like that unless he were. George adds that Will's indiscretion makes him question Will's dependability. George wants to retire someday, and he doesn't think that Robert has what it takes to run The Sun. So he needs to know he can trust Will. George outright asks Will if he can depend on him. When Will doesn't respond, George says, very menacingly, "If you don't know the answer to that, you sure as hell better figure it out."
Back at the McMansion, Grandma and Beth have come by just so that Catherine can show off the new carpeting in another desperate attempt to get approval for something. Even though the two women obviously traveled to the house together, Beth waits until now to tell Grandma that she has invited her boyfriend Steve to the party. Grandma tells Beth that she asked one of her friends in Houston about Beth's beau, but she had never heard of his family name. Beth simpers to Grandma that there are a lot of people in Houston, but doesn't add that one of Steve's relatives likely helped carry Grandma's friend's groceries out to the Mercedes. Catherine interrupts to reveal the new carpeting with a flourish. She waits eagerly, hoping for Grandma's approval. When Grandma announces that "it's an improvement," Catherine rejoices as if she had gotten a good grade on a particularly challenging college exam. It's rather sad. And then Grandma points out a problem. The carpet pattern doesn't match the upholstery for the chairs in the room. I can't believe I'm recapping a subplot about carpet patterns! Somebody damn well better die at the end of it. At this rate, it's likely to be me.
Back at the school, Henry approaches Lily in the hall and apologizes for his behavior. He didn't know about the crazed intruder event until Jennie filled him in. He explains that he's at the school on a scholarship and isn't used to being around rich kids. She accepts his apology, and he scampers off.
And now, the best scene in the whole episode, even if it is part of the carpet pattern subplot. Catherine stalks around the dining room, her arms loaded with carpet pattern samples. She tosses them here and there so that she can compare them with the upholstery. As she's making her way around a table, she trips and falls down. Then she just wigs the hell out. She starts throwing chairs, screaming, and knocking pictures off the tables. She picks up a chair and holds it all the way up over her head. Rosa is drawn to the noise and wanders in to see what the hell is going on. Catherine sobs and shrieks, "Get it out of here! Get it out of here!" Rosa scampers off in fear. Catherine slams the chair down, leans against the wall, and sobs some more. Ah, Dana. She's really giving it her all here, hoping the show survives so she doesn't end up having to spend the rest of her career playing abused women and clueless housewives in Lifetime movies with titles like Deadly Testimony and Daddy, Stop Touching Me!. Later, Will returns home and sees the devastated room. Catherine walks in, calm and holding a glass of wine, and tells him that she's redecorating. Then she walks off, leaving him to stare in concern at the wreckage.
Night falls, and Jennie drops off Lily at home in her nice convertible. As Lily's heading in, she's startled by Nate, who is dressed all in black and looks like he's been sneaking around. He asks her if she told anybody about seeing him. She asks him if he stole Catherine's bracelet. He repeats his initial question. She insists that she hasn't, but says that Catherine's going to get very upset when she finds it missing. Nate bitches that he needs money and that they've cut off his "allowance," completely unaware of how embarrassing it is for a 30-year-old man to have to admit to having an allowance. He tells Lily that they need to stick together, and then lets it slip that the "whole Phillip Parker thing" could tear the family apart. Or something. Lily doesn't even let him finish the sentence before demanding, "What whole Phillip Parker thing?" Realizing that he's fulfilled his role this episode in egging Lily on in her investigation, Nate clams up and tells her not to say anything. Then he scampers off.
Inside, Will sits brooding by the fireplace, and few can brood as well as Martin Donovan. If they gave awards for brooding, he'd win. Oh wait, there's the rock category of The Grammys. That's pretty close. He just needs to cut an album. Lily comes in and asks him what's going on. Why is Mom destroying the house? Will, also a pretty good player at the game of denial, insists that she's just redecorating. Yeah, those chairs do look better scattered around the room in pieces. It matches their marriage. Lily complains that nobody in the family is willing to talk about anything important. She says they're treating Phillip's death like an inconvenience. Will claims they just didn't want to upset Lily, but she volleys that the silence about it is what's driving her crazy. Will apologizes for not being there for her, and promises to be around more. He swears that he'll never let anybody hurt her again and tells her that he loves her. They hug. She asks him if he knows anything about Phillip Parker. He says he doesn't.
Later in the evening, Lily sneaks out of the house. She's wearing a knit cap. Thought you'd want to know. She makes her way over to the poor side of Pasadena, which looks like the middle-class side of any other town to me, and knocks on a window to some house. Inside the room, we pan over to see a bunch of photographs of various houses, the type that might show up in real-estate ads. It's Henry's house. Henry comes over and opens the window. He asks her if she's stalking him now. She says she's not. He wants to know how he found out where he lives. She points out this valuable tool called the phone book. Henry helps her climb in the window. As the camera pans over, we see that some of the photos of houses have been crossed out with a marker. Once inside, Lily notices all the photos and wonders what Henry's deal is. Henry explains that he's mapping the city. Lily asks him why. He responds that he's looking for someone. Hmm. Perhaps Lily should explain that whole phone book thing to him in more detail, and maybe tell him a little bit about Rand McNally as well. Perhaps rather than taking pictures, he should just go up to the front door and knock? Lily notices a picture of her house and asks why it's crossed out. Henry says the person he's looking for isn't there. She asks who exactly he's looking for, but he shuts her down, as it's only the first episode and they need something for sweeps, assuming the show doesn't get yanked and replaced with Who Wants To Marry A Murdoch?. Henry finally gets around to asking why Lily has come by. She wants his help researching Phillip Parker, because he's all good with the Internet and everything. Yeah, Google is such a complicated tool. The whole "and/or" Boolean thing just makes me freeze up, and I spend the hour playing Minesweeper instead. He agrees to help her.
Commercials. Pasadena viewers still have ugly hair, in addition to impure water and bad toothbrushes.
When we return, Rosa is directing some movers bringing in new furniture. In Lily's bedroom, Jennie is whining, because even though she claimed Henry first, Lily's interested in him. Lily's no longer wearing a hat and is the middle of putting together a totally new hairstyle, a not-unflattering curly '20s flapper 'do. Jennie agrees to drop her interest in Henry, as long as she gets to jump the boy to come along. Catherine comes in and asks Lily if she's seen her bracelet. Lily lies that she doesn't know where it might be.
Outside the offices of The Sun, Will is helping Jayleen load her belongings into the back of an SUV. She bitches about Robert being a maniac. Will is silent. Jayleen wonders what's bothering Will. He tells her that he can't do this anymore and that the affair is over. She thinks the family is responsible: "You think you can just unload me and things will go back to normal?" She tells him that the Greeleys will hold this indiscretion over his head for the rest of his life. Will tells her that he's not going to leave his children, and walks away. Jayleen shouts, "You are the whore!" after him. Eh, I don't feel sympathy for anybody, but neither do I feel like Jayleen is some evil siren. But she's incredibly stupid if she ever thought Will would leave his family for her. Oh, and I bet she'll be dead before the season's over or the show gets canceled.
It's party time at the McMansion. Grandma walks in and compliments Catherine on the new dining room. Catherine basks in the glow, but before she can actually talk to her mother, Grandma sees somebody else she wants to talk to and walks off, leaving Catherine standing there. Elsewhere in the room, Jennie sees Nate for the first time and tells Lily that he looks like a rock star. Yeah, after he's been onstage for a couple of hours. Nate's looking a little sweaty and hyper. He's describing to an older couple the circumstances behind several of his boarding school expulsions. One involves bringing a hooker back to his dorm room. I wonder if Balthazar is drawing on personal experience for this role. I kind of want to mock him frequently for the similarities between Nate and Balty, but everything I've read suggests that the guy actually has come clean, and given the sordid history of the Getty family (if you weren't aware, drug use and an extravagant lifestyle most assuredly does not mark a Getty as a "black sheep"), I just kind of want to see him succeed now. I'm such a softie. Everybody give Balthazar a hug!
Okay, back to the snark. Henry arrives, invited by Lily. Jennie gives him the cold shoulder and tells him that she doesn't want to talk to him because "he's taken." He doesn't understand what that means, because smart, sensitive guys are clueless that way. Lily drags him up to her room so he can tell her what he's uncovered about Phillip Parker. Henry asks her what her parents have said about Phillip. She says they won't tell her anything. Henry then tries to act like he didn't find anything. Lily doesn't believe him. Dude, if you're going to lie, don't bring a backpack with the stuff you found with you. Henry says he doesn't want to upset Lily. Lily is insistent; Henry finally capitulates. He pulls out a yearbook from 1979. It turns out that Catherine and Phillip were in the same class in high school. And Dana Delany had Janis Joplin hair. Hee. Lily says that Catherine insisted that she didn't know him. Henry suggests that perhaps she just didn't remember him. Lily points out that there were only forty students in the class.
Out on a stairwell, Mason is listening to his headphones and avoiding the party. Catherine comes up to tell him he's being antisocial and makes him take the headphones off. He calls her a fascist and stomps off. Considering how brittle this family is, I'm truly surprised Mason doesn't get smacked around more often. Lily comes down to confront Catherine on the stairs. Lily asks Catherine if she knew that Phillip Parker went to the same school as her. Catherine stupidly asks, "Who's Phillip Parker?" and Lily shrieks that he's the guy who killed himself in their house. Catherine shushes her. Lily accuses Catherine of lying about not knowing who Phillip was. Catherine insists that she doesn't remember him. Lily asks outright, "Did you lie to me?" Catherine non-answers, "Oh sweetie, not now, please," and walks away as if Lily had just asked her if she could go to the zoo.
Lily comes down to the party and wanders around, listening to people talk. Mark Snow cranks up the Creepy Clarinet of Family Secrets. Will tells George that he has taken care of a "situation" at the office. He says that it's all cleared up, and George crankily responds, "It better be." Will walks away, only to run into Robert, who pretends ignorance of the whole affair and tells Will that George was the one who fired Jayleen. But Jayleen told Will about Robert's behavior, so why is he pretending to be oblivious? It seems clear, now at least, that Robert is hip to the fact that George would prefer Will to inherit the paper and is looking for ways to discredit Will. I like the way they handled this particular plotline, but I think perhaps they might have been a bit too subtle. Viewers are used to expecting a scene where Robert would be holding the camera and spying on Will, exclaiming, "I shall destroy you, Will! If it's the last thing I ever do, I shall destroy you!" while taking the pictures. Anyway, Robert tells Will that if he has any suggestions for replacing Jayleen, just let him know. Ouch. Here's salt in your wound!
Jennie has taken to flirting with Nate, asking him why she's never met him before. He explains that he spent the last year in detox in Hawaii. Yup, he's like a rock star, all right. Lily watches this conversation, then turns to watch Beth introduce her beau Steve to her family. Steve looks like a particularly dull local news anchor. Beth tells the others that Steve just got a promotion (read: he moved up to cashier at Blockbuster). Henry wanders up to Lily and apologizes for "bumming [her] out" again, and gives her a sprig of flowers that he obviously nicked from a vase somewhere in the house. Lily thanks him for helping her. Catherine comes up to drag Lily away for some family pictures. Along the way, Catherine tells Lily that she's been discussing things with Will, and they've decided that Lily can go ahead and have that Audi now -- does she want to go car shopping tomorrow? Lily tells her bluntly that she doesn't want the Audi -- she doesn't want anything at all. Before Catherine can respond, the photographer calls them over for pictures.
As the greedy Greeleys gather, Lily VOs for us, "This was my family. Before the scandals. Before the murder. Before the trial. These are the Greeleys. And this was the last time we were all photographed. All of us. Together." Ooh, foreshadowing. It works better when you know your show is going to last the season. But good luck with that, Mike and Diane. The show's promising, but the overnight ratings are not.
week: Catherine finally admits that she knows Phillip Parker, but claims that he killed her best friend and was coming to kill her. Jennie is still interested in Nate. Nate is still interested in illegal substances. A hot guy flirts with Catherine at a store, and they make out.