Previously on Party of Five: Kirsten informed Charlie that she was pregnant, not depressed. Claudia kissed Todd. Julia kissed Adam. Holly came to visit Bailey.
Julia and Adam are working on some stories while sitting on his bed. Julia is using her laptop, but Adam has to write his stories out longhand because he's poor. Julia notes that Adam is "on a roll" and has been for "about six hours." Adam asks Julia if she is stuck and Julia says she's not but that she "needs an ending." Adam reminds her that the deadline is Friday, but since we don't know what day it is currently on the show, that really doesn't have any meaning. A song that sounds like "Black Magic Woman" by Santana is playing in the background except a woman is singing it. I went to the official show site to try to find out who the artist was, but clearly they have given up on this loser show because they haven't updated since the Thanksgiving episode. Anyway, suffice to say that the song is clearly intended to give a sex vibe. Adam keeps babbling about the "lit magazine" while Julia just stares at him. He gives her a funny look and asks what's going on with her. Julia pushes the laptop aside and reminds him that when "the whole thing with Justin happened" (which was last week, so how could he not remember?), they agreed to take things slow and "let things develop." Adam agrees. Julia says that for her, "things have developed." Adam takes the hint and climbs on top of Julia and they start doing it, practically. Just before Adam's notebook falls to the floor, we see that last sentence he wrote was "Help me!" in big block letters. Just before Julia's laptop crashes to the floor, we see the last sentence she typed in her story was this: "Everybody wants to be closer to free."
Bailey and Holly are walking down the street after just seeing a movie. I couldn't figure out what movie they were talking about, but apparently it won a lot of awards. Holly points out that the woman was "nothing but a shrew" and Bailey says, "she sure could sell, though" and wonders if he would be good at sales. Holly wonders why the only character he liked was the drug dealer. Then Bailey wonders if he would be a good military man, like the father in the movie. ["I'm going to guess that's American Beauty. Drug dealer=Wes Bentley. Military man=Chris Cooper. Shrew=Annette Bening." -- Wing Chun] Holly laughs at the thought, and Bailey says he was just kidding, sort of. Holly tells him to relax because everywhere they go, Bailey is like "cable car driver, bank teller, street mime, would that be a good job for me?" Ooh, I think he should be a street mime. No dialogue! Bailey says he has his whole future to figure out, since the series got cancelled. I bet that was what Scott Wolf was thinking anyway. Holly says she knows it's important. Bailey finishes for her: "Just give it a rest." Holly asks if he could, just for one night. Bailey jokingly says that it's only been three and a half dates and she's sick of him already. Holly is surprised to hear him call them dates, since he never has before. Bailey says he just wasn't sure and Holly finishes, "About us?" Can these two let each other finish their own sentences once in a while? Bailey says his doubts are about his professional future, not his personal one and Holly's all, "Give me a kiss." Just as they are about to make out right on the street, we hear Oliver saying "'Allo Guvnor!" Okay, it's really Holly's sister Fiona, who has a totally different British accent than Holly like I guess they were raised in different parts of the country or something. Fiona's all cockney and saying things like "fiver." Anyway, she wants Holly to pay for her cab.
Charlie is getting ready to leave for work, and telling Kirsten he's going to be late. Kirsten walks in looking even more gaunt than usual, blaming it on "morning sickness." I really wish before this show ends that someone would acknowledge that Kirsten does not have enough body fat to fuel her own activities, much less those of a baby. I can't believe she was even menstruating. Charlie says he's canceling everything until lunch to stay with her. Kirsten picks up a saltine, but doesn't actually eat it, and says that she's fine. Then she totally retches and covers her mouth with her hand, like why wouldn't she turn around and face the sink that is right behind her if she has to throw up? Would she rather yak into her hand like Jen on Dawson's Creek did that one time? Charlie looks bemused at her protests that she is fine and pours her a glass of water. Kirsten says, "Every breakfast I lose, means I'm one toss closer to having our baby." That is possibly the dumbest line I've ever heard on this show, and that's saying something. Plus, her breath would be really heinous if she's been throwing up all morning. I'm just saying. Charlie says she makes him laugh, and she actually takes a bit of the saltine. Kirsten tells him that he should look at his job that way too -- that every stupid meeting is just a step towards getting back to designing. Charlie says, "Oh, little woman, you don't know anything about the big, important world of business. Now go make me a turkey pot pie." Well, that's practically what he said.
Claudia and Todd are getting ready for rehearsal and Todd is all nervous and dropping his bow. Claudia tells him not to worry because he's perfect for "the job" and asks who else could do it. Todd suggests Martin and Claudia says, "Mmm, Mr. Monobrow." I'm not sure what his hirsute nature has to do with his ability to play an instrument, but Claude would know better than I would. Claudia says that Martin doesn't have Todd's "bow control, vibrato or phrasing." Todd thanks her, but points out that she has to say that because it's in the "girlfriend handbook." Claudia protests that she's not just saying it, that it's true, and that he should feel good about getting first chair because he deserves it. The conductor comes in and Todd drops a major hint about first chair being a tough decision. The conductor agrees that it is, but that lately "she's stood out." Claudia looks stunned and Todd repeats, "'She'?" The conductor says that Claudia will be first chair starting tomorrow on "the jingle session," and then he leaves. Todd turns to Claudia and weakly says, "Way to go." He was going for supportive but took a wrong turn at jealous and ended up at lame.
Julia carries two mugs towards Adam, who is sleeping in the bed. She jiggles him with her foot and tells him to wake up because she "made lattes," but he shouldn't worry because hers is decaf. Adam is supposed to be so poor, and yet he has a cappuccino maker? Adam turns over and he's all sweaty. Yuck. Julia tells him he needs the latte because he's about to pass out. Adam's all "So?" and Julia tells him he can't sleep because she's wide awake and clearly it's all about her. She would be the most annoying girlfriend. She's so high-maintenance. Adam hopes she's not thinking about "more sex," and Julia says she feels like talking. Adam tells her that the last few hours have been incredible, and Julia giggles and says, "Me too!" like did I really need to know that? No, I did not. Adam says, "Every cell in [his] body is screaming for sleep." Julia tells him she will talk and he can listen. Adam asks, "With my eyes open?" Julia starts babbling about her story and then gets up and runs over to the laptop to start typing while Adam rolls over to go back to sleep. Julia has man hands, doesn't she?
Bailey walks into Holly's apartment where there are clothes strewn all over the furniture and floors. Fiona walks out and says hello and Bailey is relieved because he thought the place got robbed. Fiona tells him that she is working on her creations and drapes a feather boa around Bailey's neck. Bailey says, "'Creations'?" like it's not obvious from all the clothing. Fiona states the obvious, that she is working on a fashion line. Bailey wonders what kind of fashion and Fiona is taken aback, because in case you didn't get it, she is a bit flighty. She recovers quickly, because she's plucky, and tells Bailey she is creating "professional omniwear" and holds up a dress that is neither professional nor something that all people could wear. She talks more about her proposed line, saying that is appropriate in all types of settings and made of fabric that you can wear indoors or out. Unlike the tissue paper clothes the rest of us wear, that are only appropriate indoors and would melt off if worn in the rain. Bailey says, "What is that, rubber?" but he tries to be game, because Fiona is charming. Well, some would say she's overbearing, but it is his girlfriend's sister, and since he had such bad luck with Sarah's family maybe he learned his lesson about sucking up to relatives. Fiona says if she gets enough of her clothes in boutiques by summertime, she could finance a trip to Milan for the fall fashion shows to launch her line, "FBE." Bailey inquires as to what that stands for and she says, "Fiona. Baggins. Europe." And points out that it's like DKNY only larger. Bailey doesn't want to burst her deluded bubble, so he just smiles and says, "Why not?" Then the walls start falling down, thanks to the actress who is playing Fiona, and her scenery-shredding performance. Holly walks in and is dismayed that her apartment is trashed. She starts to yell at her sister, but realizes it's futile and just walks into the bedroom. Bailey follows her. Fiona holds up the dress and says, "Milan!"
In the bedroom, Bailey says that Fiona thinks big. Holly shuts the doors and says that the fashion line is never going to happen because Fiona will have forgotten about it tomorrow. Bailey doesn't get it, so Holly explains that Fiona gave up university to travel, then gave up traveling for numerous day jobs, then gave those up to follow a yogi. Holly concludes, "She spends so much bloody time trying to find herself that it just gets her even more lost." In case you didn't get that Holly and Fiona are supposed to be British, they pepper their lines with words like "bloody" and "loo." I find that helpful, because sometimes I forget. Bailey asks if Fiona's supposed to stop trying things out. Holly says Fiona's her older sister and she loves her, but she's twenty-seven years old, and the more she keeps trying, the more Holly wonders if the thing she is looking for even exists. Oh my God, she's twenty-seven? Why don't they just stick her in a nursing home, then? Not that I'm sensitive about the age of twenty-seven or anything. Holly tells Bailey it's not his problem and that they have better things to talk about. Bailey says that her calling has to exist, right? Holly says she wasn't speaking generally. She was just talking about Fiona. Because it's not like they introduced the "Holly's flighty sister" character to parallel Bailey's struggle or anything. Really. Fiona just happened to show up in San Francisco just as Bailey was going through his identity crisis.
Charlie walks into his office to meet with a client, Ms. Wong. He gets her place of business wrong, which is always a great way to make a first impression, unless of course you want to actually stay in business. He apologizes and Ms. Wong offers to bring him up to speed. She is a buyer for a chain of hotels that is repositioning to serve a more upscale clientele. They have seventy-two hotels, each with fifty rooms, and each room has two chairs, and they want the chairs to be Charlie's "Diana chairs." Charlie shows off his math skills and says, "Wow, that's like a billion chairs or something." I know it sounds like I made that up, but that was the actual line. Ms. Wong says it's more like seven thousand (and it's actually seven thousand two hundred). Charlie says they are a small operation and Ms. Wong tells him to get bigger. Charlie keeps throwing all these reasons at her why they can't take her order. Hey, you know what is not a good way to grow your business? Refuse orders that might make you a lot of money. Charlie, just accept the order and then find a way to do it! This is a huge opportunity. Ms. Wong says pretty much the same thing and Charlie still tries to talk her into not placing the order. Ms. Wong says, "You aren't actually thinking of turning us down, are you?" when what she really should be doing is booking out of there and finding a company that is somewhat professional. Charlie says, "I don't know."
Griffin and Will are trying to help Fiona use a sewing machine. That is, if you understand help to mean "shamelessly flirt and do everything but break out in a fistfight over a woman." Bailey interrupts and says they are taking the sewing machine back to Holly's place so that Fiona can get some work done. Holly points out that Fiona is leaving in a few days. Fiona says she was thinking of staying longer. Holly reminds her of the wedding that she needs to attend in London. Fiona says, "What she really wants is to get me out of her flat." There's that Brit speak again. Griffin offers up his couch, but Will says there is plenty of room in the house. Bailey's all "Excuse me?" and Holly's all "I'm outta here." Bailey says he has a bunch of appointments lined up for Fiona today. Will wonders what the rush is. Bailey says it's important that she get started right away, because it's her future. Not that he's projecting or anything. Fiona wants to stay and finish her coffee, but Bailey asks her if she wants F.B.E. to turn out to be F.B.S. Ha! That was kind of funny. Fiona Britspeaks, "Bloody hell, no." Bailey carries the sewing machine out while Will makes faces at him. Fiona struts out and says, "See ya, fellas!" and Griffin and Will stare after her.
Charlie and a real estate guy named Dale are looking at a potential factory space. Dale is all "zoning" and "taxes" and "T-com" and Charlie doesn't understand because he's just a simple man who wants to make some chairs. Dale continues to talk about "waste management" and "highway access." Charlie says he has to level with him, and that he doesn't understand what Dale is talking about. Dale says he needs professional help and Charlie says that's why he called him. Dale says it's about his "business strategy" and that he can show Charlie a million factories, but only Charlie knows what's best for his business. Hey, Charlie. There are a million government programs designed just for businesspeople like you. They'll help you put together a business plan. They'll help you get financing. They'll give you advice. Look into it. I'm so sick of this "Charlie has no business sense" storyline. If he doesn't know the business, he should get help, or give it up.
Julia wanders the stacks of the library until she finds Adam sitting on the floor. Doesn't the library have couches or chairs at least? A study carrel, perhaps? Julia asks Adam what he's doing and you can tell he wants to say, "Getting the hell away from you" but instead he says, "Writing." Julia asks if he's hiding from her and she slides in behind him and starts kissing his neck. He asks what she's doing, and if she's trying to start something. I really, really can't continue to recap this scene. Let's just say that Julia reveals that sex helps her to write when she's blocked, and then she makes a noise like a cat, and Adam says that sex has the opposite effect on him, so that he falls asleep. Then Julia says she will help him work on his story, but only if he helps her work on hers by doing her right there in the library. Then clothes start coming off and I have to fast-forward to the scene, I'm sorry. I hope I don't get fired. ["Dude, if you had recapped the library sex, you would have gotten fired." -- Wing Chun]
Claudia's conductor says the ad agency needs the track in an hour and hands out the sheet music. Todd offers to rub Claudia's hands to warm them up, because he knows she gets nervous. Claudia says she's okay. Todd reminds her that a beginner doesn't have to set the tempo, or control the dynamics, or give the cues. Claudia tells him she knows what first chair does, and asks if he's upset because it would be understandable. Todd says he was "bummed" earlier, but he realized he got beat by Claudia Salinger, which happened "every week in junior high." Claudia protests, "Not every week," but then the conductor wants to begin so they don headphones. The conductor checks with Claudia to make sure she's ready and they begin. As they are playing, Claudia looks at Todd and then screws up. This happens three times. Also there is a shot of a girl playing the flute who looks like Alyson Hannigan and I wonder if that is an American Pie reference for Todd. Or maybe I'm reading too much into it. After the third screw-up, Claudia says meekly, "I'm sorry." I really, really, really hope she's not messing up on purpose to save her boyfriend's fragile ego.
Bailey is sitting at his desk, surrounded by books like The Road Less Traveled. Charlie walks in and asks what he's doing, and Bailey says he's taking an aptitude test to find out what he's good at. Charlie asks what the results were, and Bailey says it told him to be a restaurant manager. Charlie laughs and then apologizes for laughing. Bailey asks what Charlie is doing there, and Charlie tells him about the big order they landed, and explains how he has to open a new factory to handle it, but he doesn't have time to do all that while running the current factory, so he needs help. Bailey figures out that Charlie means he wants Bailey to help, and he says no. Charlie says it would only be for a few months. Bailey says he wasted so much time running the restaurant and he doesn't want to waste any more. Charlie says that he's only twenty-one, and he has a lot of time, and he really needs his help. Bailey says he's scared that he's never going to find that thing he's supposed to do, and that "every second" he spends doing something that's wrong, he's that much further away from finding what's right. Hey, how does he know that running a furniture factory isn't what's right, huh?
Bailey comes into the kitchen to find some breakfast. Will says, "I love that guy and all, but what does he have that I don't have? A tattoo? An old limp? I can get those. Here, kick me. Kick me right here in the shin." Bailey looks out the window to see what the hell Will is talking about, and spies Griffin and Fiona making out. Will says Fiona goes for "the whole Brando thing" and that they are going to Alcatraz today. Bailey says, "Alcatraz?" and heads outside, where he tells Fiona she can't go to Alcatraz today. Will stands behind Bailey and repeats everything he says to taunt Griffin. Griffin says he things it should be up to Fiona to decide what to do. Bailey says he lined up a lot of buyers to see her work, except there's no work. Fiona Britspeaks, "odd bird" and says she doesn't want to go see the buyers because she's a fraud. Bailey says he will help her be a success, and asks what he can do to make this work. Fiona thinks while the Flute of Whimsy plays in the background, and she finally comes out with "A fashion show." Then we see shots of Griffin and Will standing there, so you know they are going to be involved somehow. I just hope it doesn't involve men in drag, because that conceit is so tired.
Claudia walks up to Todd and says she's glad to see him because he left so quickly the day before that she thought he was embarrassed. Todd says, "Embarrassed?" Claudia says she got rattled, but that proves she wasn't the best choice, because as soon as Todd took over first chair, he got it on the first take. Todd says he knows what Claudia's trying to do so she should just cut the act. Every time she wins, she just apologizes and it's the same "fake humility" act she used in the seventh grade. He starts to walk away and Claudia follows him, seeking further explanation. Todd says he wanted first chair, but not because she pitied him. Claudia asks if he thinks she messed up on purpose. Todd says he's not that fragile. Claudia asks him about his act, and that he was practically praying she would screw up while pretending to be supportive, and that's why she messed up. Todd says she can't handle competing. Claudia's all, "I can't handle competing? I can handle competing. You wanna see me competing? You got it." Yeah! Go, Claude!
Julia is standing outside a classroom waiting for Adam. Doesn't she have any classes of her own to attend? Why is she always stalking him? It's kind of creepy. Adam comes out and says he's on his way to the computer lab to type up his finished story, since he can't afford a laptop like she can. Well, except he doesn't say that last part about the laptop. Julia says that she needs help with her story. In other words, she needs sex. Adam gets pissed that it's always all about what she gets as a result of sex, and that the only reason she wants him is to further her writing and get published, and he walks away. Well, he's right. Julia chases after him and says that after all the writing, she's still going to want him, and acts like he's being ridiculous for even saying such a thing. Then she says that he wants to get published too, which he denies. Julia asks him what the point is otherwise, which is so completely out of character for her, I have to ask if the writers have even watched the past seasons. Remember when Julia was all "I have to write to live" and "Writing makes me whole" and all that, and she didn't care if anyone read her stories? Clearly, the writers don't remember that. I actually used to like Julia back then, before the writers turned her into a self-centered sex-crazed idiot. Adam says, "the point of doing it is doing it." Julia says that's "a crock" and asks why he would write something other than to have other people read it. In response, Adam rips his story out of his notebook and throws it away. Julia wonders what he's doing, since he's been working on it for days. Adam says he can rewrite it, and it will probably be better, and "the feeling of that will be better than sex." Julia stands and watches him walk away, probably thinking, "The only reason to do anything is to make men adore you even more."
Charlie walks into his apartment, and Kirsten asks where he was, since she called work looking for him and they said he left. Charlie says he was driving around, and Kirsten says she wanted him to get more of "this pink stuff". Charlie asks about her morning sickness, and Kirsten says it is "morning sickness, afternoon sickness, dinnertime sickness, midnight sickness." Kirsten continues saying that she no longer wants to savor the journey, and she's ready to have the baby now. Do you notice that when Kirsten tries to be funny, she ends up sounding like Daphne? She does. Anyway, she tells Charlie that was a joke, because he didn't laugh. Charlie says he's tried everything, but he can't find anyone to do this job on such short notice. He sat down to do the work himself, but he's no good at it and so he thinks he might turn down the order. Kirsten asks if he's sure because he should think about what the order means for the future. Charlie says that at some point, what you're doing in order to get someplace else becomes your life, and that he wants to spend time with his pregnant wife and dream up new furniture ideas, not find ways to finance his factory, because he doesn't want that to be his life. Oh, I get it. Charlie wants everything to be handed to him, and he doesn't want to have to work for it, and if there are any parts of owning a business that he dislikes, he should just give up. Yeah, that makes sense. I have to move on now before I go on even more of a tirade.
At the restaurant, Fiona puts some finishing touches on a waitress who is apparently wearing Fiona's outlandish fashions. See, Bailey transformed the restaurant into a fashion show. Will is serving a group of people at a table, and pointing out the "high-contrast stitching" on the legs of his pants. A woman asks Griffin, who is wearing a really ugly shirt, to turn around. Griffin refuses, because he thinks the woman wants to check him out, but she says she wants to see "how the seat tapers." Griffin says he's not showing her his ass (and he says "ass"! Sorry, I'm five years old.). He walks away and the woman checks him out anyway. Bailey (wearing something so horrific I can't even describe it, but let's just say "butterfly collar") tells Fiona that they don't have any orders yet, and Fiona Britspeaks "Brill!" and says it's thrilling to see her clothes walking around. Holly walks in and looks stunned, like, didn't Bailey tell her he was going to do this? Holly walks up and asks Bailey what he's doing and Bailey says he's helping Fiona. Holly says they talked about helping by making calls and finding a sewing machine, but not by spending money. Holly wonders if it freaked Bailey out when she said Fiona might not find her calling. Bailey says no one can buy the clothes if they don't see them. Holly asks who's buying them now. Bailey admits that no one has yet. Holly says he is making the same mistakes their parents made by giving Fiona breaks she can't expect in real life, and allowing her to continue living in this fantasy, and that he's kind, but he's not really helping her. Then she walks out, but not before running into someone wearing Sarah Jessica Parker's outfit from Girls Just Want to Have Fun.
Julia knocks on Adam's door, and he answers. She tells him she's been thinking about what he said about "the process." He sighs and says he doesn't want to talk about writing anymore. Julia says she's not talking about writing, and shows him the book she is holding, which is titled The Beginner's Guide to Tantric Sex. Oh sweet Jesus. There is no amount of money in the world that could compel me to continue here. Do you all really want to know what happened in this scene? Fine, but I'm just doing this for you guys. Julia comes in and tells Adam (who keeps looking through the book) that she's always worried about the end, and so she wants to try Tantric sex because if you do it right, there is no end. That's all I'm going to say about that. Go talk to Sting if you need to know more.
Holly shows up at Bailey's house. They do that thing where they both say "I was wrong" at the same time, then Holly tells Bailey to go first. Bailey says Holly was right because Fiona only sold two things. Holly says Fiona is home singing about them at home. Bailey says Fiona is convinced that she is launched in the fashion world, and that he realizes (about forty minutes after the rest of us) that he was just into it because he thought that if fashion was Fiona's calling then he could find a calling for himself someday. Holly says that Fiona was dancing around the living room last night while Holly was "sweating over an organic chemistry midterm." Holly realized that she is "the one who's allegedly going somewhere" and Fiona is "the one who is allegedly going nowhere" and that Fiona "is doing a hell of a lot more dancing at the moment." Then the director forgot to yell cut because clearly that was the money line of the scene, but then it continues for about five more minutes with Bailey and Holly just looking at each other.
Claudia is warming up in the rehearsal room. Todd walks in and says she is sitting in his chair. Claudia says it's still her chair, and the conductor just let him finish that take. Todd says they'll see who's sitting there in an hour. Claudia starts playing furious scales or something and Todd takes out his violin and plays the first line of "Dueling Banjos." Claudia plays the response line back. Suddenly, it's a hoedown with the two of them playing the song together. I grab my jug and start hooting on it while my cats start square dancing. Could this show get any more stupid at this point? Just when I think we've reached a low point, they bust out "Dueling Banjos." Anyway, they finish and then look at each other breathlessly, like they just had non-Tantric sex and talking about how they only made it through together. Then they make out while "Dueling Banjos" swells in the background. I swear to God, I am not making this up. Claudia breaks away to say she is still going for first chair, and Todd says, "Good." Then they kiss again while the song continues in the background. I can't believe I just witnessed that scene. Dueling banjos, for crying out loud.
Bailey enters Charlie's office and asks if he turned down the "billion chair" order. Charlie says he hasn't yet, but he's going to when they call back. Bailey tells him not to turn it down. Charlie says that's easy for Bailey to say when he doesn't have to do all the work. Bailey says he will help out if it means that Charlie can take the order. Charlie wonders what changed his mind. Bailey says that he realized that he couldn't run around afraid all the time, because then he will jump into the wrong thing that feels halfway right. No, it doesn't make any sense to me either. Plus, Bailey is bored of sitting around all the time and he would like to work with Charlie. Charlie says it sounds good to him. They shake on it.
I was just recovering from the "Dueling Banjos" fiasco, and they break in with the Julia/Adam post-coital scene. They are lying in bed, surrounded by candles, and Julia tells Adam the last thing was called "The Elephant Kiss." Julia pulls the book out from under the covers and says they have four hundred pages to go. Adam says he noticed that Julia's mind wandered after "The Butterfly Stampede" and Julia says she had a story idea. Adam asks if she wants to write it down. Julia says she's more in the mood for reading, and they start making out again.
That fades into a scene of Bailey and Holly making out at an outdoor café. A waiter comes up and clears his throat and Holly asks what his problem is. Bailey says that was the international sign for "Pay your check and get out of here." Holly realizes they've been there for two hours as Bailey pays the check. Holly asks if they should go home now. Bailey asks her what the rush is, since they have a beautiful table, candles and each other. Holly tells him he has a beautiful point. I tell them to get a room.