Is it wrong that I was far more interested in the last five minutes of That 70s Show that I accidentally taped, than I was in this whole episode of Party of Five?
Previously on Party of Five: Julia and Evan did the deed and agreed that their relationship makes them feel good. Claudia told Cameron she couldn't make out with him anymore. Daphne told Charlie she found a job, when clearly she did not. Sarah stayed in New York and Bailey decided to go get her and bring her back, but Will convinced him that, like the Eagles, she was already gone.
Evan and Julia are at Stilman Press. Evan is trying to get some editing done but Julia is pacing back and forth and wishing that everyone would just leave so that they could do it already. No, really, that's pretty much what she says. Evan asks her to come sit by him and do some editing (is that what the kids are calling it these days?). Julia says, "I can't do that because then I'll smell you and you smell really good right now and then I'll realize how long it's been since..." Could the writers try any harder to manufacture chemistry between these two? Evan is probably rethinking the decision to go with the glass walls in his office, and Julia says she's going to close the blinds. Evan tells her not to because it's too obvious. Julia says, "So what?" and thinks they should tell the office about their relationship. Evan says they can't because first everyone in the office will gossip about them, and then everyone in the publishing industry will hear. Soon, when her book comes out, people will think of her as the one who is "shtupping Stilman" instead of as an author in her own right. While Evan gives this speech, he notices the last guy leaving the office, and mentions it to Julia, who practically knocks him over by jumping into his arms and kissing him. And did you know that everybody wants to be closer to free?
Bailey is lounging on the couch, watching television, practically catatonic. Will comes in and asks him if he wants to talk about it. Bailey says he isn't about to just snap out of it, because his girlfriend of four years just left him. Will notes that Bailey actually dumped her. Bailey says that it doesn't matter who made it official, since Sarah is the one who walked away. Will tries to convince Bailey that he is the one who took control and made himself free, and he should be proud of that. Bailey doesn't look too convinced, and continues to stare glumly at the television.
Kirsten is getting an ultrasound at the doctor's office, and the doctor tells her it shows "five follicles, all better than eighteen millimeters." I guess that's good news, because she and Charlie smile. Charlie's beeper goes off and he says it's a 911. Kirsten tells him to go answer it. Meanwhile, she asks the doctor if five is good for her, since normally women produce eight or nine. He tells her that it is definitely good for her, but they may not be able to retrieve all of them. They discuss her hormone treatments and the doctor gives her a shot, and then goes over the details of the retrieval. Charlie comes back and says that one of his students was caught shoplifting, and the store can't get in touch with her mom, and they don't want to call the police. Kirsten tells him he better go. A lot of this episode consists of Charlie telling Kirsten something and then waiting for her permission before moving on.
Charlie is walking out of a store with Myra, the shoplifting student in question. He asks her why she needed a twelve-pack of condoms. In Honesty World, Myra would have answered, "I tried to find the thing that would both guarantee that I'd get caught, and also get me attention, because I think that no one cares about me." In the real world, she answers, "Water balloons." Then she asks Charlie how he could have possibly thought she needed them for sex. Charlie says, "Why not?" She replies that she knows how she comes off and that she's "about as appealing as spinal meningitis." Ha! I mean, she's a cute girl but that's a funny thing to say. Charlie says he's still going to call her mom. Myra says she doesn't care if he does, since her mom doesn't care and she's never home. Charlie asks for her number at work then and they get in his truck.
Claudia and Alexa are in the darkroom. Alexa is sporting the "Chrissy Snow from Three's Company" hairstyle. They are supposed to be developing pictures for their mid-term project. Claudia says she thinks she overexposed them since she nearly "blinded her dog last night". Well, since they keep ol' Thurber locked in the basement, I guess she would have to use a mighty bright flash to get a picture of him. Alexa asks some guy named Derrick if he has finished his project yet and he tells her to shut her yap. Well, not in so many words. Alexa tells Claudia that Derrick's project contains, among other things, eight candid shots of her in orchestra. Is Claudia in orchestra? I mean, I know she dusted off the old fiddle last season to play in Griffin's band, but when did she join orchestra? The writers try a little too hard at teen-speak when Alexa reports that Derrick is "full-on spoony" and suggests that they double date. Claudia notices that Alexa is wearing Cameron's jacket. Alexa says that he left it in her locker along with a long, apologetic letter. Claudia asks if they're back together. Alexa should say, "Well, duh!" but she really says "yes," and then shows Claudia a picture of them kissing that she took "with a timer first period." Claudia looks a little sick.
Julia is getting dressed while Evan lies in bed and watches her, and then tells her not to leave yet. Julia says that everyone thinks she's at the library writing. Evan is wearing his socks. I hate that. He pulls Julia onto the bed while she babbles on that Claudia came looking for her in the library and couldn't find her. Evan suggests that she tell everyone she's working with Isabel. Julia says that would mean telling Isabel about them. Julia says, "There is a solution. I could tell my family." She continues that they will give her a hard time about the age difference, but she's happy and she wants to share that. Because, you know, God forbid she think about the rest of her family. No, it's all about what makes Julia happy. Evan says that she should tell them. Julia suggests that they tell her family together, and that Evan could come to their dinner tomorrow night. Evan agrees to come. Then they start making out again.
Charlie walks into a small office where a woman is on the phone, and tells him to come in and then asks who he is again. Charlie introduces himself and we find out this woman is Myra's mom. Charlie wants to talk to her about the shoplifting incident. Myra's mom says that she shoplifted too, except she never got caught and gives a "stealing is funny" chuckle. So we know that she is being set up to be the bad parent, in contrast to Charlie's sterling example of "good parent" which apparently included abandoning your little brother to the nanny and forgetting about your practically newborn daughter until it's convenient to the storyline. Anyway, Charlie says that he identifies with her as a single parent, because he was one too until recently, and he knows that it's hard. However, Myra tells him that her mom is never home. Myra's mom talks about her janitorial supplies business, and how hard she has worked to build it up, and how much time it takes, and says that Myra is fine and she's been taking care of herself since she was seven years old. Charlie gets all sanctimonious and says that's the problem -- seven-year-olds are not okay being alone and neither are sixteen-year-olds. This despite the fact that less than a year ago he LOST his brother Owen in the mall and does anyone ever really take note of what is going on with Claude? Myra's mom (finally we get a name -- Sylvia) says that there is no problem, and gives Charlie some serious grapefruit face. To give you a good visual, I believe Sylvia is played by the same actress (Jenny O'Hara) who played the nurse on ER who was floated down to Emergency medicine, when actually she was normally a floor nurse, and clashed with Carol, but ended up nearly killing someone. Also, she played Scott Scanlon's mother on . Yeah, that lady.
Bailey is talking to an AA friend about how people want him to be happy and feel free. The AA guy says that maybe it's a blessing not to need someone. He explains, "Depending on someone too hard is just one crutch instead of another." Bailey can't believe that the guy is saying that love is another addiction. AA guy says that's not what he meant. Bailey says, "I stayed sober for her more than anyone. And there were a lot of nights where I wanted to use where she was the reason I didn't -- her alone. So how does it feel to be free? It feels like I want a drink." Scott Wolf must have spent some time with recovering alcoholics, or the writers did, because they have the lingo down pat.
Claudia is taking pictures of the football team practicing, particularly #34. When they take a break, #34 comes over to get a drink and we see that it's Derrick, the guy from the darkroom earlier. She says that she heard his photo project turned out well. I have to say, Claudia looks pretty natural with a camera hanging around her neck. A lot of people would just look dorky. She says that her project has to be redone because her bulldog turned out as a bright white light with eyes, but while she is talking Derrick grabs her camera wordlessly and replaces the lens cap. The zoom lens pokes up between them in a rather phallic way. He says something about preventing scratches and then invites her to a party at his house that weekend. She accepts and then notices that Cameron has been watching the whole time. They give one another the hairy eyeball for a while.
Charlie helps Kirsten get into bed and asks Daphne to answer the phone. Daphne does not, because she is looking for aspirin, so the machine picks up. Daphne asks what happens now that the eggs are out. Meanwhile, Myra is leaving a tearful message asking Charlie to please call her, whenever he can, because her mom is mad at her about the condoms. Kirsten tells Charlie to pick up the phone. See? She's always giving him permission to do stuff. Charlie picks up and tells Myra that now is not the time, and asks to see her in school tomorrow. Myra doesn't get it and Charlie repeats it a couple of times while Daphne and Kirsten gaze at each other.
The Salingers plus two are at dinner, but there is a conspicuously empty seat to Julia where Evan is supposed to be. Claudia and Joe are discussing Julia's relationship, specifically the age difference. Claudia thinks it's a big deal and Joe says it isn't. Bailey stares off into space. Victor has a growth coming out of his underarm -- oh wait, that's Owen sleeping. Sorry about that. Victor asks if Julia is okay. Joe asks Bailey if the age thing was a problem when he dated that older woman (Annie, for the record). Bailey wakes up from his reverie but he didn't hear the question. Julia says she's going to go try Evan again. A waitress comes up with a problem and Bailey dispatches Joe to handle it. Victor actually shows Owen some human kindness, because God knows none of his siblings do. Claudia asks why Bailey sent Joe, and Bailey says that Joe is the new manager. Claudia asks why Victor is watching Owen then, if Bailey isn't working tonight. Boy, Claudia is just full of questions, isn't she? Bailey says that he's going out "with Will, or something." Julia returns and says that Evan is still in his meeting for another half hour and suggests that they order dessert. Victor says maybe he should get Owen home to bed, since again he's the only one who cares, and he's getting paid to do so. Bailey says he has to take off and Claudia says she has a lot of homework. Victor picks up Owen, and I think Owen is dead. Of course, no one cares. Julia just thinks about Evan.
Bailey enters a bar slowly. A waitress asks him if he wants to order anything. He stands there for a minute and then stammers, and finally says, "Yeah. Yes."
There's a knock and the doorbell rings and Charlie answers the door. It's the middle of the night, I gather. Myra is at the door, escorted by a cop. The cop says that they found her in a park with a bottle of something alcoholic, and he hands the bottle to Charlie. Kirsten comes out to see what the ruckus is about. Myra told the cop that Charlie was her father. Charlie and Kirsten protest and try to set the record straight as a drunken Myra says, "Hi, Dad!" Charlie says he's her teacher. The cop says that he will take her back to the precinct to sleep it off, but Charlie and Kirsten say that she can stay there. They help her in and dump her on the couch. I would suggest they also put a garbage can to the couch. I'm just sayin'.
Bailey is still at the bar, staring at his full glass. The bartender asks if there's something wrong with it, so we know he hasn't had any to drink yet. A woman approaches and tells the bartender that she wants her usual. He says he doesn't know what she means. She says she comes in every Wednesday night. He says it's not Wednesday. She orders what Bailey is having -- "an unblended scotch" says the bartender. I don't know what the hell that whole exchange was about. She talks to Bailey but he doesn't answer her. She says that must not be his first drink, but Bailey says it is. The woman gets her drink and reveals that she has never been in this bar before. So what was that all about? Was it just to get Bailey's attention? What a psycho. Anyway, she offers up a toast but Bailey doesn't drink. The woman says that if he can't lift the glass, either someone died, he lost his job or the love of your life just took a hike. If he were depressed because someone had died, that would be kind of an insensitive thing to say. Of course, she's crazy. So there's that. She says that she's rooting for number three on her list so that they can bond, and asks if he's planning on drinking his scotch. Bailey offers it to her and she drains it in one swallow. Yeah, this is definitely a good companion for a recovering alcoholic. The woman says, "So, do we hate her or is no one to blame?" I yell at my television, "We hate her!" but Bailey makes like Howard Jones and says no one is to blame. Bailey asks about her situation and she says she hates him, and she'd rather talk about his problems. Bailey smiles for the first time in like, ever.
The morning, Kirsten is pouring coffee for Myra and asks if she has a hangover. Myra says, "Mr. Salinger never mentioned you." Kirsten offers her some breakfast. Myra says that Kirsten is pretty and she can see why Charlie married her. Kirsten does look pretty this morning. Charlie is on the phone with Sylvia, and says that she can call the precinct if she wants, but Myra was drunk; he could smell it and she woke up at 4 AM and threw up. Back in the kitchen, Myra asks to use the bathroom and passes Charlie on her way in. Charlie tells Kirsten that Sylvia told him just to send Myra to school. Kirsten says, "She doesn't even have a change of clothes, and she's sick," and I think the order of those two things shows you her priorities in life. Charlie says he tried to tell Sylvia that. Kirsten says that they are spending so much money and sacrificing so much for a child and Sylvia just wants them to put Myra on a bus. Then Charlie and Kirsten discuss some more what great people they are and how much Myra's mom stinks, even though Myra is right in the other room.
At Stilman Press, Julia tells Evan that everyone missed him at dinner. Evan sends his regrets, and says he feels bad about it. Julia says, "You feel bad." Evan says that he had no idea his meeting would go on so long. Julia tells him to stop by their house to meet the family. Evan says he will, and tries to get back to work. Julia tells him to pick a night right now. Evan says that he's very busy. Julia finally quits the passive-aggressive approach and tells Evan to admit that he doesn't want to meet her family. Evan tries to object, so Julia says she will bring them all to his office so he can't wriggle out of it. Boy, she is persistent. Evan says that he's not sure about meeting her family and he would like to wait, but he will meet them tomorrow if it would make her happy. Except he says it in that annoying rhetorical question way that one of my old bosses used, and that I hate. Would I do it tomorrow if it would make you happy? Absolutely. Am I looking for an answer to these questions? No. Does anyone know why I'm talking like this? Definitely not.
Bailey, Will and Griffin are standing outside a strip club. Bailey doesn't want to go in and Will and Griffin try to convince him. Will says that it will be a chance for human interaction. Bailey wonders how that could be the case since they aren't allowed to talk to or touch the women. Will says the interaction will be with his friends. Griffin says he's going to go inside while they hash it out. Bailey makes fun of Will's interaction explanation: "Hey man, wonder what she looks like naked. Well, pretty much like that." Will says, "You make it sound totally cheap and empty." Bailey gives him a look like, "Duh!"
Griffin makes his way into the strip club while "Push It" by Garbage plays and women in various states of undress writhe around poles onstage. Griffin takes a seat and orders a beer. One of the strippers comes right up to him and undoes her top, giving him an eyeful. Griffin smiles and takes in the sights, and his eyes slowly travel up her body until he sees her face: "Daphne?" It is Daphne, wearing a long, brown wig. She makes Griffin swear on his life and on his mother that he won't tell anyone he saw her there. Griffin says he won't, but tells her to get out of there before Bailey and Will arrive. She gathers up her breasts and leaves.
Bailey tells Will to go in without him. Will says that the last couple of weeks of his life have been "Bailey Watch, 24/7". He says he's glad to be a friend, but he has problems too. His parents told him that if he wants to continue living rent-free, he needs to quit the wrestling internship. He knows that Bailey probably agrees with his parents but that he likes this job. He finishes his little speech with, "So this may be dumb and gross and pathetic, but I could stand a little distraction right now." ["'May be'?" -- Wing Chun]
At the party, Derrick and Claudia are playing pool. Alexa dances by and says drunkenly, "Great party, Derrick!" Derrick is drinking a beer and loudly coaching Claudia on her pool shot. He tells her to visualize the shot and then sloppily kisses the cue ball, so we know that beer is probably not his first. Cameron looks over at them and the only word that comes to mind is "peeved." Well, maybe also "jealous." Claudia makes the shot and she and Derrick cheer and then hug. Claudia notices Cameron looking upset and asks Derrick to "go someplace where the music is less loud." She looks at Cameron like ten times while saying that one sentence, and I can't believe Derrick didn't look over his shoulder and say, "What are you looking at?" Then again, he's drunk. He tells Claudia to lead the way and she looks at Cameron again and leaves.
Back at the Pleasure Palace, Griffin is laying some dollar bills out on the counter while Will bounces up and down like he has to pee. Bailey tries to talk to Will about his parents. I'm thinking that if Will is so hard up for rent money, maybe he could spend less money on strippers. I hear it's not cheap. Will doesn't hear Bailey because he's concentrating on the naked ladies. Bailey says that they are having fun without him so he's leaving and they barely acknowledge him. A moment later, Griffin asks Will where Bailey went, and Will says he doesn't know. If there were thought balloons over their heads, they would read, "Mmm, boobies."
Kirsten walks in the door and Charlie asks what they said. Kirsten reports that three pre-embryo cells are dividing. I guess this is good news because they hug. She shows him a picture of the embryos and says they implant them tomorrow. She turns around to shut the door and Myra is standing there. Myra says she needs Charlie to call Ms. Grey and tell her Myra is fine, and that what Charlie said was wrong. Kirsten excuses herself. Charlie says that reporting that stuff is the law and he should've done it earlier. Myra begs him to call the principal and tell her that everything is fine between Myra and her mom. Charlie says he can't, and that they shouldn't even be talking, and that he has to step back. Also, he doesn't have time. Myra says that he had time before. Charlie says he has more stuff going on now. Myra says he can't pretend to be her friend, tutor her and get her to tell him about her life and then drop her. Charlie says he just did. Well, actually he says he is her teacher, not her friend, and that she shouldn't call or stop by uninvited. Myra says she won't, if he will call Ms. Grey and take it back. Charlie says that it's out of his hands now. Myra hits the door and then stomps on out of there.
Evan and Julia are walking down the street, having just come out of a jazz club. Julia says it makes sense to wait to tell people about them, but the problem is that it makes her feel bad. She has the same issues as everyone else about their age, but she got into the relationship because it feels good to be with him. What others think doesn't matter to her -- unless Evan doesn't feel good. Evan says he does feel good. Julia says that if he truly did, he wouldn't have to hide or make excuses.
Bailey meets up with the crazy lady from the bar. She says that she never thought he would call. We find out that her name is Tracy. Bailey says he did call and Tracy says it's only because he's desperate. Tracy babbles on about how they talked about his girlfriend, so would it be horrible if and other such nonsense until finally Bailey says, "What?" and she gives him a big smacker right on the lips. She says that she had to. Bailey wipes the kiss off his mouth like a little kid and says, "That was...whatever." Geez, Bailey, don't kill her with kindness. Tracy says that he can send her on her way now, and Bailey says that it was okay that she kissed him, and he gives her a big smacker right back, and he doesn't even wipe it off after. Well, they cut away mid-kiss but I'm projecting.
Claudia and Derrick enter a darkened room, which turns out to be Derrick's sister's room. She's in college. Claudia admires the doll collection while Derrick starts kissing her and asks her to move to the bed. He pushes her down and gets on top of her, kissing her the whole time. Claudia says that he is hurting her arm. He reaches in his pocket, pulls out his wallet, throws it on the bed and whips out a condom. Claudia asks nervously what that is for. He asks her why she has to talk so much. She says no many, many times just so that there is no ambiguity in the situation, and then tries to leave. Derrick grabs her and throws her back down on the bed and says she led him in there. Claudia says, "Do you hear me? I am saying no," just like she was probably taught in Health class. She says "no" a bunch more times and finally realizes it isn't working and gives him a knee to the cojones. He writhes around in pain and she runs outside to her car. Alexa sees her and asks where she's going. With tears streaming down her face, Claudia says, "I gotta go." That was a decent piece of acting by our little Lacey.
Bailey wakes up in a hotel room and Tracy is getting dressed. She pulls out the time-honored "early meeting" excuse but adds, "it was amazing." Bailey says "it was" with so much enthusiasm that it makes me think that Sarah was terrible in bed. He tries to make plans for later, but she brushes him off by telling him to order breakfast because she's expensing the room and leaves. He waves weakly after her. I feel like I just typed these same words recently -- maybe because the same storyline is happening to Ben on Felicity right now?
Charlie is in the office at school, and asks if the principal is ready for him. The principal's door opens and Myra walks past Charlie without looking at him, followed by her mom. Charlie tries to say hello to the mother, but she ignores him. The principal calls him in. He walks in and proposes that Myra work with her mom after school for spending money, and for more time with her mom. The principal interrupts and asks Charlie if Myra ever showed him her diary. Charlie says no. She asks if she ever discussed her feelings for him. Again, no. Charlie looks confused. Or, rather, more confused than usual. She asks where Myra slept when she spent the night at his apartment. Charlie says that she slept on the couch. The principal asks whether they had conversations about sex and birth control, or whether Myra found him attractive. Charlie says no and asks if the principal is accusing him of something. Hey, way to pick up the clues, Sherlock! The principal says that she's not, but Myra's mother is, because she thinks the relationship is inappropriate -- even suggests it's sexual -- and Myra's not denying it. Charlie asks what Myra said. I think Charlie better get himself a lawyer ASAP. Charlie denies it some more and the principal is neutral. Finally, he asks her if she believes it and the principal says ominously, "It doesn't matter what I believe."
Julia knocks on Claudia's bedroom door and enters. Claudia is lying in bed. Julia heard that Claude wasn't feeling well and asks if she needs anything, or wants lunch. Claudia says she isn't hungry and doesn't move. Julia comes and sits on her bed and asks in a very caring way if Claudia was drinking. Claudia says she's just sick. Julia says she'll let Claudia sleep, and to holler if she needs anything. Poor Claude.
Griffin is in his shed (which I still find hilarious every time I type it). Daphne enters and says, "So, you got an eyeful the other night, huh?" Daphne wishes she didn't have to strip and Griffin says she doesn't have to explain. She does anyway, by saying she couldn't find another job and the money is so great, but she's not proud of it. Griffin says the most words I think he has strung together all season: "First of all, I'm the creepy guy that was in there in the first place. Second of all, people do what they gotta do, and who am I to judge? Third, I thought you looked good." Daphne smiles and says, "You did?" Griffin compares her to the other strippers and says, "You owned the stage." Daphne thanks him and kind of checks him out. Yeah, they're definitely hooking up.
Bailey and Will are in an arcade where Will spends more money he doesn't have on a stupid bowling game. Bailey tries to talk to him, and asks him to move into the Salinger house. Will is psyched to move in, and asks if there's room. Bailey says there is, "if you don't mind the basement." Hey, the basement is good enough for Owen and Thurber, and they're family! Bailey says he would like to have a friend around. Will clearly isn't paying any attention to Bailey (as usual) because he starts going on about how now he can go on some wrestling tour. Bailey can't believe Will is leaving town right away, and Will bowls some more.
Julia talks to Evan about the book. Evan asks if he can say something about last night. Julia says that the door is open, so maybe now is not the best time for that. Evan gets on the phone and asks his assistant to make romantic dinner reservations for them. Within moments, the entire office knows about the relationship, and Julia is happy.
As if we hadn't figured it out already, Bailey learns that Tracy is a married woman. Scott Wolf, Scott Speedman, who can tell them apart? Yes, I put that in there just so Wing could make a comment about her lov-ah. ["I can tell them apart. (Thanks, Kim!)" -- Wing Chun]