“ Cheron says it hurts, it hurts and that it feels like she has to go to the bathroom. Dr. Williams asks, 'Can you describe it?' because she just did. ”
Previously on Steven Bochco's Great Big 'Ol Headache: Dr. Geoffrey "Just Give Me The Grammy Already Because As Omar Has Pointed Out Like Fifteen Times Already I Look Just Like One of the Beastie Boys" Weiss learned that his main squeeze Nurse Patterson's black dad is racist against white boys like him. He also learns that Patterson's mother was a white hippie girl who only dated Papa Patterson to infuriate her parents. Dr. Arthur Jackson is treated in his own hospital after getting robbed and shot on his way home. This was a while back because lately, he's been up and around just fine. In an extended flashback, Weiss confronts Patterson's dad about his prostate trouble at his own home. He also implies that the man may already be impotent. This is not what you tell your girlfriend's dad if you want him to eventually spring for the wedding.
We start straight up in the ER where Dr. Lilian Price comes in to help out her honey, Dr. Ben Turner. They've just cleared a bus full of patients, and Turner is just cruising along, charm and good looks intact. Price says the health inspectors are coming after an anonymous call tipped them off to overcrowding in the hospital. Price gets way unprofessional by saying that any time Turner needs help on early calls, he can just roll over and nudge her. How come Williams, Weiss and especially Ron Harris don't get this special roll-over assistance?
Just then, Marvell Preston, age eighteen, is wheeled in along with his girlfriend after a car accident. Turner takes Marvell while Price goes to look after the girl, Cheron Green. Cheron says it hurts, it hurts and that it feels like she has to go to the bathroom. Dr. Williams asks, "Can you describe it?" because she just did. Williams thinks it's something very complicated, but Price, who happens to be female, corrects him: The girl is pregnant. Good call, Price. Price says, "Cheron, you're about to have a baby." The curtains are drawn, and all of a sudden, Price is gowned and transformed into Vivica A. Price: Ob/Gyn Woman. It seems like all the women are assisting while Turner, Williams, Marvell and several random male nurses stand around and stare at the birth canal. This girl didn't know she was supposed to be having a baby, and when it finally comes out, it doesn't look a day premature. Price is that good. "Congratulations, it's a boy," Price says while the camera shoots from way overhead in some weird, reverse Lion King shot. We cut to opening credits and commercials.
Honda is saving the world by introducing an eco-efficient, hybrid-electric car that will sell millions of units because in the commercial it looks like a lime Pez dispenser. You're welcome, Earth.
Big change: The intro music has gone from the wailin' gospel vocals to an Elton John piano riff. Time to start your letter-writing campaigns. Bring the gospel back! In the hospital, an angry Marvell Preston ["a.k.a. Lesra from The Hurricane" -- Wing Chun] is talking to the cops and denying that he knows about a gun in the car. Heck, it's not even his car. Dr. Williams asks him to cough, which he does, right on the name of one of the episodes' co-stars. He leaves Marvell to squirm for the police.
Delivering the Male
“ Back at the hospital, Doctor McShyster tells Weiss that he's trying to be patient. Not a patient. Just patient. ”
Cut to the morgue where the dog savers are trying to talk the morgue attendant, Wendell, into helping them. Wendell, who almost got fired for storing a dead pig in the morgue a few weeks back, says he's not going to risk his job for an animal he can't eat. Wendell's assistant, the fiery Latina, says "Dios mio!" and coos when the dog licks her fingers. Wendell points out that she's been eating Cheetos. The three gang up on Wendell, who finally relents. Williams tells Thelonius to bring in all kinds of equipment. If the dog didn't have insurance, it would be costing him tens of thousands of dollars.
In a hospital room, Grace Patterson's dad is yelling at Dr. Weiss and a doctor who looks remarkably like Lawyer McShyster from a few weeks ago. Patterson is angry and hasn't signed the consent form because nobody will give him a guarantee against impotence. Doctor McShyster (I've surmised that they're related) says Patterson has nothing to worry about, even though it's two hours before surgery. Patterson is lobbying for radiation treatment instead of surgery because it's safer for his Johnson. Weiss says that radiation isn't as effective and the tumor may return down the road. Patterson is immovable. He wants a guarantee and Doctor McShyster can't give it to him. McShyster leaves, but says he can be paged if Patterson opts for the surgery. Weiss is left alone with Patterson wondering how he ever got in a situation of discussing his girlfriend's dad's erectile functioning. It's okay because Patterson throws him out. Fade to black and white as Patterson rolls over in bed, thinking about Viagra.
Whatever happened to that Listerine commercial guy who scared us with bleak visions of an alien landscape residing in our mouths? Maybe he died of a heart attack by creeping himself out.
Back at the hospital, Doctor McShyster tells Weiss that he's trying to be patient. Not a patient. Just patient. Weiss finds Grace in the waiting room. She can't believe her dad is being so difficult. Nurse Patterson's stepmom asks what's going on. Grace tells her. Stepmom says, "I think Geoffrey is working toward sainthood." Interesting irony: Papa Patterson's impotency may make it difficult for Weiss to get laid. Just sayin'.
In the morgue surgery room, Wendell says that Mike is a "lucky dog" because he stopped bleeding. Williams asks for some appropriate music and we get a dog tune. Cute. A doctor who looks like a young Orville Redenbacher comes in asking about some livers he's supposed to pick up. Everybody hides. The doctor sneezes, which he attributes to a dog-hair allergy. Hey, what are the chances? He leaves, sneezing some more, while Wendell wonders how he got mixed up in such an oddball hospital. Wendell brings his co-conspirators out of hiding and immediately gets a call to pick up a body. "Looks like we just got a room," Williams says, so they can store the recuperating doggie.