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Sydney is obsessed with a ball made of rubber bands. It makes Julia afraid that her daughter might have Asperger's. Kristina tries to reassure her, but has a moment of secret pleasure that there might be someone else in the family who will have similar struggles. Julia and Joel end up in the same scary Dr. Pelikan meeting that Adam and Kristina once had, but this time the news is good -- Sydney's issues stem from her being gifted. Of course. After some reverse-Schadenfreude, Kristina and Adam recognize the gift that is their son.
Zeek drags Adam off on an overnight trip, saying he wants Adam to see a piece of real estate he is thinking of buying. The truth is revealed when they arrive at the empty strip mall that Zeek already owns. He wants Adam's shoe company to buy it from him. Finally, Zeek admits that he's in serious financial trouble, possibly in danger of losing his house, and hasn't told Camille. Dudes, things are bad between Zeek and Camille.
Crosby is upset that Jasmine invited him to Jabbar's birthday party via the mail. He tries to get involved in the party planning, despite Jasmine's cold shoulder, and they finally throw down about Jasmine keeping Jabbar from Crosby for the first years of his life. Crosby finds out that Jasmine let her family think that he knew about Jabbar and abandoned him. At the party, they make their feelings known. There's kind of a racial element, as well, and of course Zeek sticks his foot in it. Finally, Jasmine admits the truth to her family, and the focus returns to the awesome Jabbar. The whole experience brings Crosby and Jasmine closer together. (Yay!)
Sarah catches Amber in the shower with the detested Damian. She's devastated that Amber is making all the mistakes she made in her own life. Zeek awesomely runs the kid off, but he oozes back. Guidance from Camille helps Sarah reach out to Amber and trust her. This inspires Amber to see what a complete doofus Damian really is. She sends him back to Fresno. (YAY!)
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Want more? The full recap starts right below!Joel and Julia are at Sydney's school for a meeting. Sydney's annoying teacher reports -- as they all sit at a child's tiny work table looking like a bunch of oversized clowns -- that Sydney is "obsessed" with a rubber band ball she has taken to bouncing around the room during class. "She uses the ball to draw attention to herself," the teacher says, also suggesting that Sydney might have made the ball out of a box of rubber bands taken from her desk. Um, Mama, Esq., ain't having that. "When would she be able to do that?" Julia grills. "Is she ever left in the room alone? Then you don't have any evidence that she could do that?" Joel stifles the Perry Mason cross-examination and the teacher says no, she's not certain about the stealing. "I was going to let it run its course," she says, "but... when it became a danger..." Ugh. Joel asks what she means. "She hit little Jaden Krantz in the head with that ball," the teacher says. No one points out that Sydney probably did it because the kid's name is Jaden. Teach reluctantly adds that she doesn't think Sydney did it on purpose, and that Jaden is okay. "She may have been aiming at me," the teacher says, nervously watching Julia, who seems to have become fascinated with the ball, herself, and is tossing it up and down. Joel grabs her hand, again, telling the teacher they'll take care of this matter with Sydney. "I can take this, right?" Julia asks, holding up her new toy.
At Adam's office, Zeek has arrived with delicious Italian food to share with his son for lunch. His doctor, to his shock, has told him he can't eat garlic knots... which he is eating now, with abandon. After inappropriately ogling a female employee, he gets to the gist of the lunch: he wants Adam to come with him on an overnight trip to see some "investment property." Adam is confused as to why his father would ask for his advice on something like that. "Because you have real estate-slash-business acumen, son," he says. Adam: "Acumen?" He is obviously swayed by this complimentary vocabulary, even in the face of having to spend "father and son time" with his crazy father, because he says he'll call Kristina and make sure it's clear with her. "That's all I wanted to hear," Zeek says. "You're not going to be sorry." He offers Adam some garlic knots. "Why don't I take those from you?" Adam suggests, trying to helpful with what is obviously a serious knot addiction. Zeek grabs the plate. "I'll have as many garlic knots," he says, "as I want."
Later, Adam runs all of this by Crosby. "He said 'acumen'? " Crosby asks, as he repairs his motorcycle in Adam's driveway. Of course he has a motorcycle. Adam says he's thinking his dad might be setting him up to try to get him to go in on a piece of vacation real estate. "He tried to sell it to me as father and son time," he says. Crosby: "Yikes." But, wait -- speaking of f & s time, Crosby needs advice in that arena. Seems Jasmine has just sent him an invitation to Jabbar's birthday... in the mail. Adam, superdad, weirdly shrugs it off. Crosby asks if he doesn't think it's weird that he's just received an invitation to his own son's birthday party, like he's an acquaintance. Adam harshly jokes that Crosby is lucky to be invited at all, and I presume he means after the time Crosby spent with Boobs Johannsen last week. Crosby, rightly defensive, says he has been spending a lot of time with Jabbar and that Jabbar knows him pretty well, now. "So, if I don't plan this party, he's going to sense that," Crosby says. Huh? The five-year-old is going to sense who is planning his party? No, if you don't show UP, he might notice, but... whatever, that makes no sense. Adam tells him to call Jasmine and tell her he wants to be a part of the planning. Crosby says Jasmine has been sending him mixed messages, though, one day wanting him to be a dad, the keeping him at arm's length. Adam, cracking open a beer, says well, Crosby should call her and say, "Jasmine, I want in." He pauses and smirks. "Except, don't use those words." Crosby rolls his eyes. "I don't get it," he snarks. "Is there a sexual joke in there?" Um, IS there? There really isn't. Am I deaf, or something? I guess so, because Adam laughs like he's Don Rickles roasting Merv Griffin.
Speaking of sex, though, poor Sarah is about to get the shock of her life. Coming into the bathroom to find some toothpaste, she hears Amber in the shower. "Do you have the toothpaste in there?" Sarah asks, casually, and, as Amber quickly begins protesting for her to no, wait, nooooooo, Sarah -- who for years will probably only remember this in slow motion -- pulls back the shower curtain a little bit. To find DAMIAN. In the shower. With her daughter. Hilarity ensues, and by hilarity I mean everybody screams and freaks out. "NO!" Sarah screams. To Amber: "YOU'RE DEAD!" To Damian: "YOU GET OUT! NO, NOT NOW! LATER!" As she runs from the bathroom: "AAAAIIIIEEEERRRGHH!" Amber looks at Damian. "We're screwed," she says. Yes, indeed. Let's review where your faithful recapper would be should she have been caught, at age... anything... showering with her boyfriend in her grandparent's house: in a steel coffin at the bottom of the sea. What unbelievable nerve Amber must have. Well, scratch that, 15-year-olds don't even need nerves -- they are too stupid to need them.
Moments later as Damian is tearing ass across the driveway, Sarah and Zeek are tearing into Amber. "Why is everyone yelling at me?" Amber demands as Zeek asks who the hell that is running half-naked through his yard. Um, they are yelling at you, because you are in trouble! "Calm down, Grandpa!" Amber whines, and I want to choke her. Sarah pushes Zeek out, saying she'll take care of it, and it must take all her strength not to throw Amber out the window. Instead, with utmost caring, she says she knows Amber is really mad at her, about Mr. Cyr. Amber soaking wet and wearing a robe having just been caught in flagrante by her own mom, tries to shrug it off. "It's fine," she says. "I don't care." Sarah has tears in her eyes. They moved from Fresno so that Amber could have a better life, she says, and she knows she pulled her away from things there, Damian being one of the biggest. "And then to have him here, in the shower," Sarah says, still sad, but incredulous. "Come on, Amber. Don't screw everything up for yourself just because you're mad at me!" Amber cries that this has nothing to do with Sarah. "Not everything I do is about you!" she says. Oh, girl. Yes, it is. "I love him!" she continues, pure Juliette-style. "And he loves me!" Sarah can't take it. "Oh, God," she cries. "Why do you insist on making every mistake I made?!" Amber sighs and as much as I was ready to bag her, before, now she breaks my heart. "You know, every time you talk about your life being a mistake," she sobs, "all I hear is that my whole existence is a mistake!" Sarah says oh, no, that's not at all what she meant or feels, but Amber begs her to leave, saying she just can't talk to her right now. OH, PEOPLE. Being a girl is very hard. No offense to the gorgeous Alexis Bledel who played Lauren Graham's daughter for a million seasons on Gilmore Girls, but, wow. Mae Whitman + L.G. is a mother/daughter tour de force. "Honey, I don't want to leave you so upset," Sarah cries. But Amber says she really wants to be alone. Sarah apologizes again, with more tears, at the door, and Amber cries that it's fine, but to leave her alone. I ain't ashamed: I had to pause and cry. We need to just come up with some shorthand for those pause and cry moments. P&C.
Over at Julia's, Sydney is begging Joel not to take any rubber bands off her precious ball. "Because I've got 'em all counted up!" she says, to Joel's confusion, and lists the numbers of all the colors of rubber bands. There are 18 blue, 53 reds, and 118 browns. "There's too many browns," she says, panicky, trying to grab the ball from him. "I don't want the brown rubber bands to take over! I want my ball!" Joel shoots a worried look at Julia, who finally intervenes. "It's staying right here," she says, forcefully, as Sydney whines and tries to grab it off the table. Finally, she promises that they won't touch the ball or change it, overnight, and demands that Sydney go upstairs with Joel to get ready for bed. The Js exchange very worried looks.
Who should be worried is Damian, now idling in his stupid van outside of Zeek's house, when he gets a visit from Grandpa, himself. "You know who I am?" Zeek asks. Damian is less frightened than I would recommend. "You're Amber's grandfather, the Viet Nam vet," he says with a touch of condescension. Zeek cuts to the chase. He's sure Damian's a real nice guy, he says, "but, you left your sock in my house when you took my granddaughter's innocence. Here's your sock." Heee. Now Damian is starting to look a little concerned. Zeek pulls a $20 bill out of his wallet and says Damian needs to fill his tank and clear off. Setting aside how unlikely it is that Damian will be to get anywhere near filling his tank with $20, Damian gets the point. "Sir, I just want to let you know, that I am a student of philosophy," he says, with Shakespearian inflection. "Live and let live. I mean no harm." Oh, really? "I am an irrational hard-ass with rage issues," Zeek says. "Don't piss me off." Awesome. Damian, who looks like he has swallowed a bug, takes the $20, and Zeek disembarks, flashing him a sarcastic peace sign that quickly turns into another kind of two-fingered salute.
Over at Adam and Kristina's, Julia has dropped by for a visit. Adam is not there, but Kristina welcomes her in, offering tea. "Hi, Max," Julia says, seeing Max reading at the kitchen table. Max does not respond, until finally, goaded by Kristina, he gives a short treatise on pill bugs. Aunt Julia gets the most sickly possible smile on her face, as if someone just died, listening to Max and imagining her own future as the parent of a child with Asperger's. I initially watched this storyline and understood where everyone was coming from, but now that I am rewatching, I sort of hate it. Julia finally gets to the point. "This is going to sound stupid," she says, nervously holding up the rubber band ball. She explains about the ball, and says that, basically, she would like to know some of the first signs of Asperger's Kristina noticed with Max. Now, here, Monica Potter does some amazing acting. She pulls off, somehow, the perfect balance between weirdly-thrilled and sisterly-compassion. Pulling herself together, she sends Max upstairs -- not without an initial refusal and subsequent sticker promise -- and immediately tells Julia she doesn't think she has anything to worry about in regards to Sydney. Julia explains further about how Sydney counted all the bands, knows the colors, "and she's so utterly fixated on it she cannot make eye contact anymore." Kristina reassures her again that there's probably nothing wrong and gives her Dr. Pelikan's number. Julia is so upset and embarrassed that her icy veneer cracks a little. Kristina again tells her not to worry and hugs her, but...
"I'm a horrible person, honey," Kristina says later to Adam. "Because when Julia told me there might be something wrong with Sydney, part of me felt glad and happy. What would be so wrong with having someone else in the family like Max?" Adam agrees that they would be less isolated. "You're horrible, too!" Kristina says, helping him pack clothes for his Acumen Trip. And, really, it is kind of horrible, but so real. When major traumas have occurred in my life, the number one issue I have in dealing with them is feeling like no one understands me. It is agonizing and definitely isolating to go through something really difficult while everyone around you seems to be living "normal" lives... which is essentially why I recommend group therapy to anyone going through anything. Um... that was a soapbox, sorry. Anyway, Kristina doesn't even really think Sydney has Aspergers. "Look at Sydney compared to Max," she says. "There's no way they have the same thing." Adam says yeah, maybe Sydney has ADD or something like that. "Yeah, or OTB," Kristina says. Adam: "Off-track betting?" Kristina says she did do one good thing. "I didn't tell her about Max's rubber band ball," she says. Adam says this proves she's not horrible. "You're a sweetie," he says, and they share a marital fist-bump of solidarity. She thanks him for making her feel better. "Now you could make me feel better," he says, knowingly. She laughs. "I'll get you the lotion," she says, and my jaw once again hits the floor. "Lotion rub!" she sings, just in case we didn't get it the first time. Dudes! A family show!
Crosby has gotten "in" on the birthday planning for Jabbar, trailing Jasmine around a party store, making suggestions on themes. "Ooh, Batman!" he says. "What do you think?" Jasmine rolls her eyes and says, yeah, they did Batman two years ago. Crosby asks if he likes G.I. Joe. Dripping with disdain, Jasmine says Jabbar's friend had a G.I. Joe party last month. "Well, I know he likes Sponge Bob!" Crosby says, thinking he's hit on a great idea. Jasmine cannot hide her snark that yeah, he loves Sponge Bob: "We did that last year." Finally, Crosby has had enough. "Maybe I should ask for the list of things that you've already done," he says. Jasmine snaps that Crosby is the one who wanted to come on this errand. "He's my kid!" Crosby says. "I want to plan his party; I want to be a part of this." Jasmine sighs and reaches out for the first thing she can grab -- baseball decorations. "Yeah, okay!" Crosby says, going with it. "Bravermans love baseball." Jasmine says great, and sends him off to get plates and utensils. "About a dozen," she says, which stops him in his tracks. "That won't even cover my family," he says, and finally the penny drops. "Are you saying my family's not invited?" Jasmine cringes. "You've seen my apartment," she says, making an excuse, and poorly. "It's tiny." He says they're his family, too. She suggests, then, that he invite four people from his family. "Yeah, like Survivor," he says, "I'll just pick four." He asks how many from her family are coming. She mumbles that, you know, maybe 10 or 15. Crosby sighs. "Just promise me," he says, "that we're gonna have an A's theme party, and not a Giants." Jasmine gives him the biggest eye-roll, yet. "A's?" she says. "Step aside." Hee. Crosby, flabbergasted, says this is going to get ugly. Not uglier, possibly, than the painfully hipster fedora he is wearing, but ugly just the same.
In the lair of Dr. Pelikan ("with a K!"), a familiar scene is occurring. This time, instead of Adam and Kristina huddling hand in hand on his couch, Dr. P is facing Joel and Julia. "Sydney is a great kid," he tells the horrified couple. "She is playful and cooperative..." Julia, in typical Braverman style, cuts in: "What's wrong with her? Is something wrong with her?" Joel tries to talk her down. Dr. Pelikan, like some kind of Machiavellian game show host, says that he wouldn't say "wrong," per se, but that Sydney does not test in the normal range. He lets the pause remain pregnant for a moment longer as these people die a thousand deaths on his couch. Finally, he does the big reveal. "Sydney is gifted." Sweet relief, they look like they've just been told she won't, in fact, be thrown into a volcano. Pelikan rattles on about how Sydney's issues probably stem from boredom in the classroom and they'll have to pay attention to yadda yadda, whatever -- they aren't listening, too happy to have dodged the dreaded bullet that their child might be less than perfect. Yes, yes, I know that's not fair -- no one would wish for their child to have to endure the struggles of a social disorder, but... ugh. I just hate the tone of the whole storyline, is all.
Speaking of dodging bullets, Adam has not been able to do that in re: the Trip of Acumen. Instead, he is trapped in a car with Zeek, heading to this investment property, while his dad reminisces hilariously and, sometimes, "hilariously," on the old days. "Remember the trip to the Grand Canyon?" he asks, already slapping his knee in memoriam. "Remember you vomited all over your mother's head?" Yes, what a lovely family memory. Adam says that wasn't him, anyway, it was Crosby. Well, whatever, Zeek is like the human ChatRoulette moving quickly from topic to topic, the highlights of which include: learning sex techniques in Viet Nam; Adam's sex life: "The Braverman men are strong in the sexual department;" the Zodiac killer; and tickling. Adam asks if all this blathering is what he wanted to talk about on this drive. Zeek says, no, he wants to show him something, but he wants to keep it a secret so it will be more exciting. "I gotta pee," he adds, and Adam has to insist he wait five seconds for him to pull into a rest stop instead of peeing in a jug in the car. You know, I'm beginning to understand why members of the Braverman family might deal with mental health issues. Also: Craig T. Nelson really makes me laugh.
Back at HQ, Sarah is coming outside to have some coffee in the garden when she spies someone in the bushes. It's Damian. Using the garden hose as a shower. "WHAT are you doing?" Sarah yells. "If my father sees you...!" Damian says something about how Zeek hinted he should wash up, but "then I saw these plants in need of attention..." Nice cover, dumbass. Sarah sighs. "You seem like, you know... an okay guy," Sarah says, meaning the opposite, "but Amber's from a broken home. She doesn't know a serious relationship from a sandwich yet." She goes on, quite calmly, saying that she wants Amber to concentrate on herself, and maybe her future graduation and college. "There's an old expression," she says, getting philosophical on Damian's level. "'If you love someone, set them free. If they come back, they're yours. If they don't, they never were.' You know what I mean?" Damian, who needs to be hit over the head with a frying pan, says it's not that easy. "You're right," Sarah agrees. "But, it would really help her out. Just for now."
Julia and Joel are at home when they look out the window and see Kristina coming up their walk. They look at each other, full of guilt. "Okay, I've got this," Julia says with faux-confidence. Joel runs and hides, saying he believes in her. Funny, but ultimately... lame. Kristina comes in and as Julia hugs her awkwardly, says she brought over some books that were comforting to her during Max's diagnosis, and says she just wants to reiterate how much she loves Julia and Joel and their family. I mean, haven't Kristina and Adam been together a million years? Would they really be this uncomfortable with each other? This whole thing is so gross to me. Julia can't get up the nerve to tell her of Sydney's report, and Kristina leaves thinking she has just done something all noble and helpful. I just feel like the message is: We're embarrassed to tell you our kid is awesome, when yours sucks so bad. I realize it's not as simple as that, but it's still wrong. Bug lectures notwithstanding, Max rules.
Even after her moving speech to the cretinous Damian, Sarah has just discovered a note from Amber saying she's gone off with the dude for the afternoon. She comes out to the yard where Camille is preparing the weekly Braverman dinner table, amazed that Amber wouldn't even bother to lie about it. "That's good, isn't it?" Camille asks. Sarah says no, flopping down in a seat. "In this context, it shows a complete lack of respect." Now it's Camille's turn to philosophize. "You can't live their lives for them," she says. "The best you can do is help them avoid making some of the mistakes that you made, that's about it." Sarah wonders why she didn't just let Zeek kill Damian when he had the chance. "I'm out there quoting Jonathan Livingston Seagull, like an idiot," she groans. Camille remembers that Sarah was obsessed with that book, and Amber always liked it, too. Sarah is not in the mood to reminisce. "Why does she hate me, Mom?" she asks. Aw, man. Tears. Camille says daughters hate their mothers, that it's the law of nature. "But you know what?" she adds. "Then they come back." Seeing that Sarah is about to cry -- indicated by the patented Lauren Graham scrunch face -- Camille sits beside her. "Sarah," she says. "You're my best one." Feeling instant Mother Guilt, she amends this. "You're the one that I most identify with," she says. Now Sarah does cry. "Not perfect Adam?" she asks. Camille says no, Sarah's the brave one. She's never afraid of taking chances, and declared her independence pretty early in life. "You have to honor that person that you are," she says. "Because I do." Camille strokes Sarah's hair. "Sweetie," she says, "it's gonna be okay."
The true reason of the Acumen Journey has finally been revealed: Zeek bought a crappy unfinished factory and warehouse space and is presenting it as "a great opportunity" to Adam's company. Long story short, Zeek bought this dumb place, is now underwater on it, and is passive-aggressively trying to harass his son into bailing him out by purchasing it from him. UGH. He gives a pretty good speech about how great it would be to have a local-ish factory and be able to hire American workers (as if), and makes Adam get out his cell phone to take photos to show his board of directors.
Crosby is trying to help Jasmine decorate her apartment for the party, and damned if I don't feel sorry for the man. First of all, her apartment is not at all tiny. Secondly, she won't let him DO anything, and third(ly?), he's walking around trying to decorate and seeing all these pictures of Jabbar in the first five years of his life that he didn't even know about and can't get back. Finally, it all comes to the surface. Jasmine doesn't want to talk about it, but she can't avoid it anymore. "You robbed me of five years of my son's life," Crosby says. "What gave you the right to do that?" Jasmine defensively says she called him four times! And he never called her back! "What was I supposed to do?" she asks, surely knowing how dumb that sounds. "Leave you a message on your answering machine? 'Hey, Crosby, it's Jasmine! I'm pregnant! Call me back!" Um... yes? I mean, how else was he supposed to know? She says more truthfully that after he didn't call her back, she realized she didn't even want him to. "I had this big, serious thing to do," she says. "Have a baby, and raise that baby. And what I didn't need is some flaky guy in the picture." Crosby says that Jabbar's his son, and she doesn't get to just make those decisions. Oh, Jasmine is about to go off. "This is my son; I gave birth to him," she snaps. "All of a sudden now you wanna play Daddy?" Well, woman, isn't that what you've been wanting him to do?! She's still mad about the skanky playdate and Jabbar being left in the pool with some stranger. "It wasn't some stranger," Crosby says, stretching the truth. "It was a lifeguard." Okay, the guy could swim. Crosby says he wants all of Jabbar's aunts and uncles and cousins to be at the party to celebrate his son. "They have a right to be here," he says, which... they don't, really, but whatever. Jasmine is worn out by all of this. Finally, she gives it up. Her family thinks he abandoned Jabbar. "They think I knew about Jabbar and that I just blew him off?" he asks, incredulous. She cringes, saying she never though he'd be back in Jabbar's life again. She apologizes and tells him to invite everyone. "I have to admit," Crosby says, nicely, "I like when you screw up. It makes me feel like we're more [equal]."
Adam is in Old Man Hell. His father insists they share a hotel room, flirts with the desk clerk ("Moneesha!") and walks around the room in his drawers forcing Adam to watch "Ice Road Truckers." What is it about certain dudes of a certain age where suddenly all pretense of them caring about social conventions goes out the window? Like, they'll walk into the middle of the room, change the TV channel, turn the volume up to 11, fart loudly, talk over people... When you pass age 55, do you suddenly revert to infancy? Adam is trying to pin Zeek down to get to the real deal about this property thing. Adam says he just doesn't think the property is all that great an investment for his company. "I wish it was, and you're a great salesman," he says, "but I don't think you really believe it is, either." Zeek keeps trying. "Long-term , it is," he insists. Adam says, well, then, he should hold onto it. Finally, Zeek comes clean: "I can't, Sonny," he says. He goes on that he didn't tell Adam anything about it because Adam is his first-born son. He never wanted to have to come to him for anything like this. "I give to you," he says. "Especially now, with Max..." Adam is seeing the light: "How bad is it?" he asks. Zeek says it's really bad. He might lose the house -- he took out a second mortgage on the house. "Oh, Pops," Adam says. Zeek: "The country's in the toilet; it's not just me." Dude, that is true. I mean, I hate the phrase "in the toilet," but financially the bowl just keeps getting more crowded. If you see me swimming by, say hello. Desperately, Zeek asks Adam if he thinks there is any chance they'll go for the sale. "Dad," Adam says, trying to be reasonable. "I said I'd talk to them." Zeek is grateful, but down. Adam asks if he's told Camille. "Oh, I can't," Zeek says. Adam says he'll talk to the board, but that Zeek has got to tell Camille.
Crosby has put on a tie and is trying his best to be SuperDad at Jabbar's party. Jasmine's family, however, is giving him the frost, big time, especially Jasmine's brother, Sekou, and Renee, Jasmine's mom. He is polite to them, anyway, which impresses me, and when the entire Braverman clan rolls in, jokes, "Who let all these white people in here?" Heeeeee. Good one, show. Later, he tries again to make nice with Renee and Sekou, telling them about his houseboat. "Oh, that's an interesting choice," Renee says, coldly. Camille sees this all going down and, like any great mom, tries to help her son by smoothing his path. "Sekou," she says, "that's a beautiful name." She turns to Renee: "You named him after Sekou Toure, the African independence leader, I assume." Renee is amazed. "Now, how did you know that?" she asks, like the history of Africa is a secret known only to black people. "Berkeley in the '60s, babe," Camille says, earning a very nerdy chortle from my husband, the '60s historian. Oh, you nerd. Sekou sees things going well, and can't stand it. "I'm sorry," he says, "but this is weird. Where have you been?" Crosby says he understands, and that he wished he could have been there for Jabbar the whole time. He says he's just glad to be in his life, now, and hopes he can be a good role model. "He has a role model," Sekou says. "Me." Jasmine tries to intervene to get her brother to shut it, but he's mad, going off about how he's been there for Jabbar since he was born, and now Crosby is trying to roll in like he's never been gone. Crosby, who could totally put Jasmine on blast right now, does not. Well, he doesn't even get the chance, really, because Zeek jumps in, despite every Braverman's attempt to distract him. "You seem to have a wonderful family," he says to the room. "I've met you and like you all. But why are you treating my son like he's a pariah? The only reason I can think of, is because he's white." Oh, DAAAAMN. The poor Bravermans jump in again. "We think he has Tourette's," Sarah says, as everyone desperately shakes their heads and tries to laugh it off.
Sekou feels like the obvious has been stated and Renee finally speaks up. "Maybe it's because he's irresponsible," she says. Zeek, admirably controlled, says that that is not his understanding of the situation. "Well," Renee says, "there's a five-year-old little boy here that he hasn't seen... for five years." Even now, Crosby plays it mature and does not jump to his own defense, and finally, seeing this all go down, Jasmine tells the truth. "I never told him about his son," she says. Her family is shocked. "It was easier for me to lie to you," she says, "and make you think he was just like dad. If you're gonna be mad at anyone, be mad at me." The whole room stares until finally the silence is broken. Leave it to the wonderful Jabbar to put it all back in perspective: "Is it time for cake?!" he asks, excited and, the tension broken, everyone cheers the birthday boy.
Another gathering goes on that night at HQ. Dang, these people spend a lot of time together. Do none of them have friends? Zeek gets on Sarah's back about why Amber was absent from Jabbar's party. Sarah, while Camille looks on, mumbles that Amber was studying. Adam gets on Zeek's back about telling Camille about the mortgage situation, and he mumbles that he hasn't done it, but will. All of this is awkward, but none of it is as awkward as Julia sitting down with Kristina and trying, but failing, to casually thank her for the books and support about Asperger's, but um, Sydney actually tested gifted. Kristina has... a FEW emotions all at once (geez, I love Monica Potter), but says she is happy for Julia and Sydney. And she is happy, I'm sure, but then again... you know? How hard must something like that be? It breaks my heart in a million pieces.
So, see, I'm already on the verge of tears when Amber cruises through the kitchen and says she's going out. Everybody looks at Sarah like she's responsible for this horrible event that is ruining the family. Dutifully, but probably full of familial hate, Sarah follows Amber out to the porch. "We missed you at the party," she says, and tries to give her a piece of cake she wrapped up and saved for her. Amber is all whatevs, says she'll eat it when she comes back, and blowing off her mom, heads for the door. "Why won't you take the cake?" Sarah asks, kind of stridently, and if it wasn't so sad, it would be funny. Amber says she doesn't want it, and Sarah finally just gives up. "I'm done trying to control you," she says. "It just doesn't work." Amber shrugs and says, you know, she's fine. "Are you?" Sarah asks. "Sometimes, I'm not sure." She goes on that she doesn't want them to be like this, that she loves Amber so much, and that she thinks she'll just give up and... get along with and trust her daughter. I'm not a bad writer, but I don't even have words for how great Lauren Graham is, here. Amber is shocked into openness. "Okay," she says, quietly. "I'm meeting Damian. He's picking me up." And, sighing, she takes the cake. Sarah watches her go, and with no other recourse, bangs her head on the wall.
And here is where we learn one of the greatest lessons of parenthood, I think. Sometimes, when you trust your children to be smart, they will be. I know it doesn't always work, but in this case, it's working with Amber. Because, despite the romantic Lovers Leap setting she is now enjoying with Damian -- sitting on the roof of his van, feeding him cake and looking out over the lights of the valley -- nothing can erase the dumbness of her boyfriend. He may be a good kisser, but when she mentions that she made a C on a test the other day on which she had expected to get an A, and he shrugs it off, a seed of doubt is planted. "I mean, when the electrical grid fails who's gonna survive?" he philosophizes. "Someone who gets an A on a test, or someone who's been to the School of Life?" Amber has to turn away. Oh. My GOD. Ladies, do you remember this? Smart girls with stupid boyfriends -- it's kind of a universal experience, am I right? I hate to bag on teenage boys, man, but wow, they are very funny without meaning to be, most of the time. For example, now: "It's all comin' down, the whole world as we know it," Damian says. "I don't know when, but I do know that what you get on a report card is going to seem preeeetty insignificant when you're living off the land and fending off marOOHders!" Even in the dark, Amber visibly blanches. "What did you say?" she asks, hoping against hope that he was just joking. But, no, he wasn't. "MarOOOHders!" Amber, laughs, still holding out hope. "But, you know it's marauders?" Damian: "Maroohders." No, dude. This reminded me so vividly of the time my friend LBJ was trapped on a date with a guy who said "Canadia." No, no, don't make me think about it. Much worse was that that guy was like, 28. Okay, now I'm laughing and will never stop. Amber, desperate to silence the stupid, shoves some cake in Damian's mouth.
Back at HQ, Camille is cleaning up the kitchen while Zeek tells her about his trip. He recalls again the happy memory of one of their kids vomiting on Camille's head in the Grand Canyon, except this time he thinks it was Sarah. "You really don't remember, do you?" Camille asks. Zeek says you know, it was so long ago he can't keep track of it. "Well, maybe that was because the vomit wasn't dripping down your face. You were too busy laughing." Very foolishly, Zeek now laughs AGAIN. "You gotta admit, it was funny," he says. I suppose, in the fullness of time, one might come to see that story as funny. Then again, not really. "This is the way it went," Camille says, still mad. "Julia got sick and threw up, in my hair. She was screaming her little heart out, and I was trying comfort her while wiping puke out of my eyes. You were too busy laughing to even think about helping." She says Zeek did her the big favor of pulling into a gas station so that she could go in the gross bathroom and clean up while he filled up the tank. Zeek maybe, just maybe, is understanding what a dick he was. "Milly, I never knew it upset you that much," he says, wrapping his arms around her. "Would you accept a belated apology? I'm sorry." Camille... doesn't seem all that inclined to accept, yet. Instead she asks him what else there is to tell about his trip. Here's his big chance. "Well, Adam snores like a chainsaw, but he's not going to admit it," he says. "What else can I tell ya?" He can't see her face, but it's so sad.
Kristina and Adam have collapsed into bed, exhausted from getting Max to sleep. "The eagle has landed," Adam says, climbing in to his wife. Also, he adds, laughing: "I found Sydney's ball underneath his pillow." Kristina is amazed that Sydney would give the ball to Max, but um, no -- he actually stole it. She flips, reaching for the phone, saying they need to call Julia and apologize and tell her where the ball is. "What, and give it back?" Adam says, smirking. "Screw that." He says, look, if Sydney's such a little genius, she can make a thousand balls using cold fusion. Heeee. Kristina, smiling but trying to be reasonable, says they need to explain to Max that stealing is not okay. Eventually, though, they can't help but laugh. Call it a little karmic balancing. Their laughing wakes Max up, and he comes and climbs in bed with his parents with his water beetle book. "You know how much we love you, buddy?" Adam asks. Max: "As much as I love beetles."
SO, I'M ALREADY CRYING when we cut back to Jasmine and Crosby, talking about Jabbar's hilarious cake overdose. "He's very cute, our son," Jasmine says. Crosby says, yeah, he thinks he's falling in love. Jasmine, at the sink, gets the big eyes of terror. "With Jabbar!" Crosby assures her. "You look like you saw a ghost." Hee. Finishing the dishes, she suggests that Crosby join her in the living room. She has something to show him. The video of the birth of his son. His eyes fill with tears.
Back in the HQ guest house, there is happy news. Amber stomps in and announces to her mom that she's sent Damian back to Fresno. "It had absolutely nothing to do with you," she wants Sarah to understand, and stomps back out again. Awesome.
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