Major props to all the posters who faced the pain of the second half of this season with me. You all rock. Also, a non-shout not-out to the person who infected me with the cold that is currently having it's way with me. I don't know who you are, but beware: I will find you! Every time I sneeze and/or feel panic in the night because I can't breathe, I think of you. Oh, yes. I will find you. No matter what it costs!
Last week on Oz, we all waited for this finale, hoping it would somehow draw the season to its close with remnants of the prior seasons, or at least show us some similarity in writing/plot/believability. Dear Mr. Fontana -- ludicrous plots do not equal original programming.
We open up to Hill in a rotating pod. Most of what we say is trash. Clearly, this man has never had a conversation with the IT guy at my agency. Man, is he something else. I could listen to him for days! Days, I tell you!!
Opening scene. Hill rolls himself over to Burr "Farewell To Charms" Redding's pod, where Poet guards the door in all his lyrical bad-assedness. Hill asks to see Redding. Poet: "He's busy." Hill says he'll wait, but Poet clarifies that Redding is always busy. Too busy for the likes of Hill. Hill looks disappointed, but it may just be that in memorizing the script for the finale, he lost all hope for this show. Much like I have.
The gym. We see the speed bag being worked. A hand appears and stops it. The hand belongs to Enrique "I'll Have Two Plots, Hold The Intelligence" Morales. Pull back to reveal Supreme "Plot In A Can" Allah in a white tank top, looking like he was just getting warmed up. Morales to Allah: "You're not having much luck getting the brothers to turn against Redding." Chucky "Duh, Yah! Which Way Did He Go? Which Way Did He -- Hey, Wait A Minute! Dis Ain't Albuquerque!" Pancamo chimes in with some meathead encouragement for Allah being in trouble. Supreme insists that Redding is going to die. And soon. He walks away, giving the bag a good punch, which shows me that he's a real man, for sure.
Murphy leaning into the mike. Instead of breaking into karaoke, he calls for shakedown. Cue the groans of all the inmates who have no drugs on their persons, while the ones who do start sweating. We see a guard produce a tit from Hill's pod and show it to him. Hill looks incredulous. "That ain't mine!" he insists. The guard says, "Bullshit!" making Hill yell to Murphy that it is not his. Murphy, up late the night before having sweet, sweet love relations with his right hand, irritably says that it's not his either, so Hill is guilty as charged. Cut to Hill telling Sister Pete that he's clean, and has been for three years. Reminding her that she knows him. Pete turns to Tim "I Do The Jitterbug -- Snap Snap -- I Do The Jitterbug" McManus and says, "He's not using, Tim, I'd stake my reputation on it." Slim Tim says Hill must be selling then. See, he believes in a guy like Omar, but Hill gets the book thrown at him. Lucky for Hill, Tim only has pop-up books, which are pretty lightweight as far as chucking goes. Hill tells McCheese that someone must have planted them. Tim asks if Omar's doing the drugs. Hill says, "No." McSuckass concludes he's protecting someone and says he's sending Hill back to Oz, with no punishment, so the inmates think he's a squealer. Fuck! I HATE him! He makes a charity case out of Omar "Good Pill Hunting" White, but punishes Hill for being framed. I realize it's only Hill's word, but come on! Friggin' White is loopier than the roller coaster at the New York, New York hotel in Vegas. And he's a shitty actor. Off with his head! Give it to me and I will personally stuff it with cabbage and feed it to man-eating pigs while doing a little jig and pounding vodka shots with my ladies-in-waiting. Hill asks to be put in the hole, because he knows that is the correct punishment he should receive…not wanting to be "let off" on a drug charge, to be judged by the Em City "jury." Have I mentioned that I hate McManus with the burning heat of liquid hot magma? Hill is one of the well-behaved inmates, and Tim purposely puts his life in danger because he's in a bad mood after waking up on the wrong side of the closet.
Lunchroom of mystery meat and Jell-O with carrot shavings. Hill eats all alone as Redding John-Shafts by with his crew. Hill looks up, but goes back to eating until Supreme walks up with a "See what I'm saying? Redding's the one who put those drugs in your cell." Hill glares, "Maybe you arranged that." He doesn't know who to trust, but Supreme counters with the statement that none of it matters…Redding doesn't trust Hill, so the only thing left to do is waste Redding so Hill doesn't get the red-shirt duty that week. Might as well. We're already five and a half minutes into the show, and no one has died yet. Or shown a penis, for that matter. Have I mentioned that I CAN'T FUCKING BREATHE? That my head is about to explode? No? Well, it is. Also, is it bad to drink? A lot? While on antibiotics? Please advise. I can't feel my legs. Heh. Just kidding. Save your emails. Hill watches Supreme leave. Cut to Hill's pod, later. A guy whose name I don't know, we'll call him "Stew," enters, and Hill asks if he's still on "bedpan duty". Yes, Stew still does the pans. Hill holds out a bill and says, "I need some medical records." His thumb covers the denomination of said bill. I notice, because I am looking for it. I'd like to know what they're exchanging. Maybe five bucks is a whole helluva lot. Or maybe it has to be a fifty or a hundred in order to hire someone to do a deed for you. we see Hill wheeling himself into the laundry room awash in Kermit green. Poet is there, doing his whites. Hill greets him. Poet snipes, "Don't be talkin' to me, snitch." Hill insists that he's trying to save Redding's life. Poet's all, "Whatchu talkin' 'bout, Willis?" Hill tells Poet that he remembers, back in the day, that Supreme is wicked allergic to eggs. Poet picks right up on the groove and says, "Yeah, we be preppin' his meals 'cause we gotta fix his shit real special." Hill: "Not today."
Lunchtime. Or is it dinner? Anyway, Ryan has a tin with what looks like soy burgers -- you know the ones, they served them during school lunch? At least in my school they did. He serves Allah and tells him to "eat hearty," which, if I were in Oz, would have tipped my ass off to not eat at all. Sup goes to sit with Hill and observes that Redding isn't dead yet. Hill defends himself with, "I gotta get close to him, don't I?" Sup keeps chowing on his Iocane powder egg burger. As he chews, he looks as though he tastes something strange. Because, on some level, he knows that the burger is deadly, or maybe it just tastes weird. Cue the close-up of Allah's mouth as he chews another bite of the plot-burger. He chews, then pushes his tray away, looking as though something has suddenly caused him to feel…not so fresh. Hill: "Something wrong?" Supreme doesn't answer but spits what he hasn't swallowed onto his tray. Then he grabs his throat. We see the Muslims noticing and having facial reactions but not rising to aid him in anyway. As Supreme chokes, we see Hill reacting and saying, "Oh shit!" which is, I guess, his shock at what he's done, rather than shock at Supreme suffering, since he knew he'd die from consuming eggs. In the fake world, that is. I mean, some children have allergies to this stuff and a Type One reaction is almost immediate, but I highly doubt this scenario. I'm no allergy specialist, though. As we get the shot of Allah's face, we see that it is instantly swollen and blowing up while he gasps out, "You…fucking…" and falls to the floor. It's just so very Total Recall when Arnold is trying to get through customs as a woman. Remember? And he swells and blows up as he changes back into himself? Anyone? Is this thing on? (Tap, tap.) Supreme blows grape-nut chunks as we watch him die on the floor. Various inmates look either shocked or disgusted, including Poet in his shower cap. A hack FINALLY tries to help him, but he's too far gone. We see Redding's reaction, which is the same reaction he has to everything from relieving his bladder to selling drugs.
Common area. We see Hill's hand, in his fingerless gloves circa 1985, playing solitaire. Because he has no friends. Get it? Redding ambles up: "Poet told me what you done." (Cough sic cough cough.) Redding welcomes Hill "back into the fold," but Hill declines. He doesn't want to sell drugs. Redding says he "respects that." Hill goes on to say even though Supreme was responsible for his being confined to his wheelchair, and for wanting to kill Redding, his surrogate dad, he still doesn't feel warm and fuzzy for killing the man. I know I don't feel good about it because, based on the character profile, Hill wouldn't have done it. We've been led to believe that Hill is this deeply philosophical person with high moral fiber. Then he kills Supreme Allah? Doesn't fit. I could see him doing what he could to prevent Burr from being killed, but not actually doing the deed himself. It just doesn't fit. Oh, recap…right. Burr tells Hill he "raised him right" since he feels bad. Even though their falling out had to do with Hill caring about his actions towards others and Burr needing him to not care. Stupid, itchy continuity. Swish on over to Burr and Clink's pod. Clink tells Burr his daughter is coming to visit him. She apparently has "something to tell [him]." Burr basically tells him to make it snappy, 'cause he has a "task" for him to do. Namely, wax Morales. He tells him to "air hole" him. Eh? That doesn't mean anything! I'm sure of it! Clink asks, "What about Pancamo?" Burr says his time will come, as we see the boys in question sashay past the pod.
Visiting room. Yet another couple is making out. Uh, correct me if I'm wacko but -- don't they NOT allow that in prison visiting rooms? One half of the couple is an Aryan. Not that it matters anyway. I'm just free-typing on meds here. Clink arrives to see his daughter, who looks like a little army brat grown into a fine young army brat with breasts. They greet each other. He looks hopeful and defensive. Clink: "So, what did you want to tell me?" "Geez dad, no 'hello,' no 'how's your mom'?" She tell him to stop looking so grim. She's getting married. He asks if it's to Max. She says yes. He thinks it's wonderful news. How relevant is this scene to the episode? Nil. But I'm supposed to do this so as to set the scene for later…where more nothing occurs, otherwise y'all will be wicked lost, yo. So, since he won't be there to walk her down the aisle, she wants her step-dad to do it. Clink gets mad. She wants his blessing. He tells her to "do whatever the fuck [she] want[s]." He leaves. Pointless scene? Yes, I know. But it's going to happen more, so cool your heels and buckle up. I'm driving this short bus.
Elevator shaft area of contrived murder location. LoPresti walks in with Morales and Clink, serving us his one line so he can pay his New York rent by telling them how the elevator has been "acting up" and oooh! The warden was stuck, but was then freed and everything! Morales says he used to work for some guy as a kid, fixing these suckers (just so happens). He does that unintentional whistle thing when he pronounces the "s" in "suckers." Of course, LoPresti proceeds to LEAVE THEM IN THE ROOM (would never happen). And SHUT the door! And of course, Clink has a goddamn tool box with sharp objects and such. Hell-oooo? Is anyone home at HBO who isn't high? Morales hoists himself down into the shaft after Clink turns the power off, that is. Clink asks if he was in the cafeteria when Supreme bought it for half off. Morales nonchalantly says he was, and talk about "bugging out." He asks Clink to hand him a wrench while Clink unveils his billboard with the blood-written words "I'm about to kill you. I'm going to kill you now. You are about to be dead, and it is I who will cause it!" All the while saying life in Oz is "precarious" and "the land mines in Nam were more visible than the ones in Oz." Morales concentrates on turning something above his head. Looks like he's going "righty-tighty" while Clink does and says everything save "I'm going to kill you now…wait…okay, now!" and Morales becomes MORE engrossed in his repair work. Clink says he's not used to the behavior of friends turning on each other and enemies teaming up. One more shot of Morales working. Clink: "I like to know who my friends are." Well, have a Twix, buddy, 'cause you don't have any. Then we see Clink stand and deliver a hard kick to Morales, directly in his face. That's GOTTA hurt! We see Clink grab a rubber mallet from the toolbox and miss hitting Morales, and Morales delivers a hard left hook, which knocks Colonel Clink down to the humble. Morales by this time has escaped from the shaft and kicked Clink's body over so he's fallen in. He's gonna try and let de elevator break him down. Oh no, let's go. Morales poses by the elevator "power" lever, activated by a (insert finger air quotes) "la-zor," and says, "Be all you can be, bro." He flips the switch, sending the elevator down onto Clink. Never mind that the shaft itself was so shallow even Governor Gremlin could've climbed out with ease. Or that there wouldn't BE a switch right there. That's right up there with Batman having shark repellent, labeled and ready, just when he needs to repel a shark. Well, okay, it's not the same, but I just thought it was so cool when Batman did that. scene is Clink's body being wheeled away.
Hill. Something about Willem Dafoe and the quality of life or death. He must be talking about that movie he did with Madonna. It definitely made me question whether I wanted to live.
Visiting room. Reverend "Without A Cause" Dylan, visiting with a guy from the church of "Jesus Christ you took a lot of money from us!" He wanted to do this "face-to-face." Dylan balances his head on the tips of his fingers. Did I mention the abnormally large glasses he's wearing? And a plaid shirt? No wonder he's in jail. The fashion police have once again gotten their man. The man from church says that the "elders" have decided to ask Reverend No-More for his resignation. Luke is aghast. He removes his glasses of abnormally large size and drawls, "The elders voted unanimously on the day of my conviction, that they would stand behind me, no matter what!" The guy says he knows that, but being incarcerated and the scandal that sprung from it has had a less than fortuitous effect on "fund-raising." Luke says he wants to meet with the elders. Church guy says, "How? Via satellite?" Luke suggests they come to Oz. CG says it won't happen, and presents him with a letter of resignation lacking only in signature. Luke looks at it. CG says, "Sign." Luke pauses. Then he signs it. Hey! He's left-handed like me! Except I don't write like a retard. Luke leaves.
The Lunchroom Of Trouble again. Kirk is holding court at a table with all of, I assume, the "congregation" Rev. Dylan has built. The good reverend himself walks behind them, with his tray of square pizza and chocolate milk, and overhears Kirk: "All I'm saying is Cloutier thinks he's better than all of us." Burns breaks in with the baritone "I agree." Kirk continues, "Warden's got us doing physical labor, right? Cloutier got a cushy job in the requisitions office. We're loading cement. He's pushing a pen." Kirk has seen Reverend at this point, but continues on to say that the Rev. should be a "slave alongside us." Cloutier interjects, "Sewing more seeds of discontent?" Luke looks like he used a heavy hand with the ol' Dippity-Do Super Hold. I know that, when I get fired from my church, I like to fix my hair. Kirk says he's just "saying the truth." Dylan tells him to get up. Kirk is unfazed as he addresses the table once more and says the reason he got kicked out of the congregation wasn't because he attacked someone -- in the name of the Lord of course -- but because he disagreed with Dylan.
Dylan then asks Jim to escort him out. Jim feels that the man deserves to be heard. Coming from the man who participated in all the proposed beatings, it doesn't surprise me. What does surprise me is the age-old, Mary Shelley-like way it takes only two men to voice concern to create the entire group to turn against someone and begin the lynching process. He healed Jim Burns from…something. Oh CRAP! Stupid itchy angel of distraction just stopped my pause button to show me that MTV is showing Jim Carrey interviews uncensored. Shit! Okay. I am strong. I am invincible. I am woman. So Dylan says, "Let him speak." And all I see is this one hair on his gelled head that curves outward. It's very distracting as it bounces hither and thither while he talks. Dylan and his hair walk away. Kirk excuses himself from the group to approach him of the phlegm-ball name, Hoyt, and asks if he's "still looking to do the Reverend Cloutier some harm?" Hoyt asks why and who wants him dead. Kirk: "Not…dead, exactly." He whispers into Hoyt's ear. I'm sure it's nothing he wants to share with the rest of the prison. Shot of Cloutier eating his pudding cup. Alone. The music swells to a "shit comin' down maaaan" level as we see steam. And a Bible. It's the shower, ladies and gentlemen. Luke's been working out. He turns from the shower, and there's no towel. Hoyt has taken it, and asks Luke if that's what he's looking for. Luke asks if this proves Hoyt's a stronger man. Well, no. But it gets you naked on TV, and that's all that matters. Luke has to walk out of the shower with nothing but a bible to cover his bits. And I'm afraid "bits" is entirely accurate. He walks shamefacedly back to his cell amidst the catcalls and general uproar.
Mukada's office. Shot of "Cool Water" Luke looking at a crucifix as he tells Mukada the story of when he was ten and his daddy, the preacher, called him up onstage. Luke healed a blind man. He was "special" and "famous," and everybody wanted to touch him. He then goes into the limos and the penthouses and how it all made him stray from the one thing he cared most about: Jesus. Pride is the sin that separates us from God and/or keeps us from asking for directions when we're lost on the freeway. Mukada strikes me as strangely…cute? With a new haircut? Oh dear GOD I've gone MAD! Luke explains that when he took the money, it wasn't stealing, but rather taking what was rightfully his. I guess now he realizes how wrong it was. Mukada: "In order to win your congregation back, you must show them you are not their superior, but their equal." How can he do that? By joining them in their work. Which may or may not be in the kitchen, I'm sayin'.
Hill says the last three words spoken by Jesus were, "It is finished." The rest of us don't have time to plan what we say when we die. Having died a few times, I'd like to add that sometimes, a rousing rendition of "The Greatest Love of All" always gets them on their feet.
We see hands lifting a cinder block with mortar smeared on the bottom while Kirk's voice says, "I have to tell you, Cloutier, you really impress me!" Dylan is chained behind a cement brick wall and is begging Kirk to think about what he's doing. Kirk has thought about it completely. "When the hacks ask where you are, I'll say, 'I don't know, I guess the good Reverend descended into heaven.'" They all laugh. Except Dylan. It's not super funny to him. He starts yelling for help. Kirk reminds him that no one is around to hear him scream. Hoyt leans in through the small opening to add that he paid the hacks an extra two hundred bucks to take a hike. Kirk tells Dylan he should have taken the blowjob he offered him once not so long ago, when their love was young and pink. Reverend starts screaming for help again as Kirk places the last cinder block in. We switch to a shot from inside the wall, as it grows dark. Dylan is all squinty and scared. I pretend not to see the last block move as he presses his head against it, crying. To be fair, he is chained to the wall and, according to my cat, Vinnie, he couldn't have escaped anyway, even though the mortar hasn't dried. Outside the wall, the Aryan villagers push a large refrigerator against the new wall. Inside, Dylan starts saying the Lord's Prayer. He sinks to the ground, kind of scared and man-crying. He will fear no evil. Aw, bubbie, evil was what kept the fluffer from helping you out before when you were naked.
Showerhead being unscrewed. It's Clayton Hughes. He puts the showerhead in a sock. Have I mentioned that my nose is burning, and yet I have to continue blowing it? That it feels like I exfoliated with a jalapeño Brillo pad before rubbing it with a salty pumice stone? Clayton then starts making moaning sounds, which sound more like masturbation than pain, which brings a guard over. A man screaming brings no one but…make some moaning sounds and you've got yourself some protection! Smith looks through the take-out window and inquires as to what the matter is. Clayton, all nice, feigns being ill. In comes Smith all off-guard and shit as Clayton whacks him upside his head with his nun-"skull"-chuk. Smith falls to the floor as Joey Lawrence calls Clayton from the P.A. system because he wants his sweatshirt back. The only thing worse than a sweatshirt with the arms cut out is a flannel shirt with the arms cut out. If you find you have a predilection towards such luxuries, please, grow your mullet as God intended it and start watching monster-truck rallies. Seriously. Anyway, he removes the walkie-talkie and all weapons from Smith before prancing out into the hall. "Hey you stupid fucks, listen up!" he announces, "I hereby pronounce this unit the Republic of Huru." He says "Huru" over and over while doing the humpty dance. I have no idea if he means Huru as in the artist, Mark di Suvero, who created a sculpture by that name, which is aboriginal, so I assume it is the inspiration for the name of his new "republic." The other prisoners yell derogatory things while Clay claims he is to be referred to as "Your Excellency." We hear a comment about his being a "fucking nut-job," causing Clayton to turn and say, "For that insubordination, Alvarez, you shall remain inside your cell." Which -- and it pains me to admit it -- makes me snerk a smidge. Clayton claims that until everyone proves their loyalty to him, they shall stay inside their cells. Clayton goes to lock the door, and the gate to solitary, as he announces into the radio that he is the acting president of Huru and demands to see Leo Glynn. This ought to be good. In a very non-good sort of way. Clayton grins at his own cleverness before spying a shiny object in the corner, which is only a mica shaving in the concrete but amuses him nonetheless.
We see Lieutenant Boreia of the U.S.S. Homewrecker as she answers her damn ringing phone with "Hello?" instead of "Leo Glynn's office?" Like, what the hell? She's not at home! Or…is she? We cut from that dreck to Clayton and Smith, Smith telling Clayton to stop this nonsense and Clayton threatening to screw up Smith's prostrate with some good lovin'. That actually shuts Smith right up. Not that there's anything wrong with that. Suddenly, we hear the calm voice of Leo through the little radio thingy. Clayton answers with "You shall refer to me as Gamba Kufu, or Your Excellency." We cut to Leo as he responds, "Clayton!" Clayton snaps the CB back to his mouth and snaps, "Gamba!" Cut back to Leo as he asks after Smith. Cut back to King dumb-fuck, who answers that it all depends on Leo. Leo: "Listen to me, Clayton." "Gamba!" Leo purses his entire face: "Clayton!" Clayton yells that until Leo refers to him by his new and very special name, he is cutting off communication. Then he turns and stomps down the hall. We see Leo turn to the SWAT team and tell them to get the keys to unlock the door. Because I guess someone forgot to bring the keys with them. Leo is going in. The SWAT team red-leader says, "I wouldn't recommend that, sir." Leo says it's not heroics, and can I GET an amen? It's merely "old-fashioned guilt." While they busy themselves trying to find the key to solitary confinement -- in a maximum-security prison -- we see Clayton prancing back and forth until he hears the hesitant "hey, Your Excellency?" coming from inside one cell. At this point I feel I must stop now and simply nutshell this scene because, quite frankly, I can't take it. Okay, so Clayton decides to let the guy help him 'cause he was in the riots and knows what a "strategy" is, then makes him Vice President of the hallway. Then, when Leo comes in after finding the key, the guy twirls back into his cell because he doesn't want to get in trouble.
Leo starts up with the "I've never lied to you, have I?" crap we've only seen in every movie made since the dawn of cheesy movies. So Gumby shakes his head and Leo tells him to think carefully. He feels Gumby has been alone too long. They argue over what his real name his…Gumby, or Clayton The Wonder Dipshit. All of a sudden, Clay starts "reminiscing" about childhood and how whenever he felt bad, like when he lost his father, Leo was there to hug him. Awwww. That makes me feel NOTHING! He asks Leo if he'll "hug [him] now." Leo, the retard who started the revolution against wise decisions, looks down and considers advancing forward to deliver the non-heartwarming embrace. Clayton puts down the keys and confirms that he'll give up if he gets a hug. Leo says, "C'mere, yooooouuuu!!!" No, no he doesn't. He says, "All right." He hugs the tube. Gumby reaches in his back pocket, pulls a shank, and starts to stab Leo while the dude from before comes out of his still-open cell, prevents the large favor Clayton tried to pay us all, and manages to get them separated. And what to my wondering eyes should appear but a shank in Clay's chest area, and a large bloody smear! The VP Dude's like, "I saved your fuckin' life, Glynn…you owe me! You OWE me!" Leo turns at this time to see the shank in Clay's heart. It has to be said that from behind, the SWAT guy leaning over Clay looks like Darth Vader. I swear, he has that black helmet thing going on. That's cool. I'm gonna have some more cough medicine. Leo gets down on the floor beside Gumby and mutters, "My God." Gumby shakes and bleeds while saying, "My…plan…worked…perfectly," between clenched teeth. Irony? No, I don't think that's irony. An attempt at irony? Sure. Success? No. Am I being too hard on the finale? Hmmm. Nope. Clayton chatters for Leo to hug him. Leo does. It doesn't touch me at all and, despite the callous way I recapped this scene, I am very sensitive to most scenes like this. I have teared up over Real World, you fools! What I'm saying is, this scene sucked. Ass. But, the upside is, ding dong, Gumby's gone! Leo cries. I turn to get a tissue for my nose and find Vinnie, in a fluffy orange ball on my clean laundry, and then I cry.
It takes a village to stifle Hill. He says that Ethel Waters wasn't afraid to die. She looked forward to it. That's because she was talented and lived a full life. Not because it applies in any way to this episode.
Glynn, drinking. They go together like a wink and a smile, don't they? In walks Boreia, the queen of all she persuades. She's taking off for the night. "Unless you need me to do something?" Leo TMIs, "Today, I had to call on my best friend's widow and inform her that her only child was dead, that he died in my arms, same as his father." He tells her there is one more thing she can do. Take a letter. The letter is to resign as warden of Oswald State Correctional Facility. She argues, he insists he does shit, she says let's have dinner and I'll show you my nipple ring. He says, no thanks, he's heading out to comfort the mom of the deceased boy and his WIFE will be there. With that, he leaves, while she says nothing and sits with a deep exhale. She crumples up the letter of resignation. I realize this letter is to be a cliffhanger, and I don't mean to ruin it but…I'm quite sure he'll be back. Stupid itchy Glynn.
The Ass-ketball court. McFeignus shoots some hoops. Murphy enters and catches the ball as it goes through the basket. McManus has a sweat stain on his t-shirt. Oh, ew! Murphy asks Tim how Dave is doing. McManus says he out of the hospital, but "his leg's all fucked up." He will never play basketball again. I never saw that one coming. Tim throws another basket. Murphy hedges that he heard the tournament was called off, and that it was McMartyr's decision. Tim's all, "So, what's the difference?" Murphy tells him he wants to take Dave's place, and then takes it a step further by saying, "I want you and I to play the last game together." Could someone get these crazy kids an Air Supply CD and some candles? Love is in the air. Oh God, it gets better! McManus throws the ball at him and snaps, "Fuck you!" Murphy, that big lug, catches the ball and asks if it's because he turned Murphy down the first time. That's affirmative, Red Leader. We have bogus at twelve o'clock. Murphy says, "Fine, fuck me then." I laugh and laugh and laugh some more while kicking my feet in glee. They SO want each other. Conversation ensues about teaching the inmates about putting their minds to something, but I can't make it out through my medicated giggles.
Basketball time. We see more sweat and white legs. Jackson fouls McManus and as the ref tries to call foul, Busmalis moons the ref…and all of us. He has ass hair, and I'll just leave it at that. The inmates boo every time the staff scores. Sister Pete cheers a lot throughout the game. We keep getting shots of the scorecard so we know that they're gaining points but not enough to beat Jackson. The game ends, and the staff has been trounced.
Flashback of the love scene between Omar and Tim in the infirmary, where McManus growls he won't give up on Omar. Back to present, where we see Omar at the gates of Em City, waiting for McManus to arrive. Poet approaches and offers Omar some drugs. Omar declines and claims he doesn't mess around with that stuff anymore. Poet loses interest and walks away. Tim arrives, and Omar just looks so excited it makes me vomit on myself. Tim walks through the gates and Omar yips, "Hey…my man, Mack Daddy McManus, how you doin'?" and prattles on asking about the weekend, asking Tim what he did. Tim tells him he took out a Portuguese dancer on Saturday, and Omar asks if she was a stripper. McManus is like, "No, no, ballet." Omar says ballet dancers are too skinny and McManus has got to get him some stripper booty. Tim, to his credit, basically says, "See ya later." But poor, poor Omar wants to come up with him. Tim says he needs to get settled first. Omar stares at his feet, so Tim asks if there's a problem. There is, of course, so he lets Omar come up. Omar continues to talk about strippers. Cut to the staff break room, where Tim reports to Sister Pete that Omar has become "the model prisoner." Pete looks at him in an amused fashion and states, "And he's driving you crazy." Tim admits this and goes on to complain that Omar follows him everywhere "and goes on and on about nothing!" The CO to him says, "So? Tell the jerk to beat it." Tim haughtily refuses, since it may cause his pet project to slip back into the dark drug life he once knew. The CO says, "Well, then as the French say, 'you are up shit's creek sans paddle.'"
It's time for Up Your Ante. Today's idiot savant is -- well, it turns out the "idiot" part was right. Yes…it's Tim McManus, because, you know, that's believable. His celeb helper is Tony Soprano's son. Everyone watching reacts to McManus and then begin commenting on all the good shows they're missing on cable and how hot the Sex and the City girls are. Omar tells them all to shut up so he can watch his boyfriend make an ass of himself. McManus condescends to AJ and then ignores his correct hint, so he misses the question. Everybody cracks up, and Omar gets pissed and tells everyone to not bag on McManus. Guerra makes a comment about Omar being in the same realm as gay, which freaks the homophobe out, and he goes berserk and tries to attack Guerra but only succeeds in throwing one of the other Aryans into the TV, electrocuting him. Off he goes. Later, in Tim's office, Omar tries to defend himself, but Tim claims he has to send Omar back to solitary because the warden won't listen. Omar gets all whiny: "You said you'd never give up on me…you said you'd never let them take me back!" Tim claims there is nothing he can do. Omar freaks out a bit more, calls Tim a fuck, then lurches up from his chair with his hands still cuffed behind him. A CO comes in and tells Omar to settle down. Omar kicks him in the groin. McManus attempts to stop him, and Omar kicks the crap out of Tim. He falls to the ground and Omar keeps screaming, "You lied to me!" while kicking Tim over and over. It pleases me. Kick him again! Again! HA HA HA HA! Sorry. I didn't mean that. To hit another is wrong (hee!). We cut to Omar being taken to the republic of Huru, whining the whole way.
Then we cut to the infirmary, where the unfortunate scene includes a close-up of the guard's boxers as they apply ice to the affected area. Pan over to McManus, who has been inspected by Gloria and is now blaming himself for giving up on Omar so he himself could get some attention. Leo and Gloria both want him to go home, but he'd like to talk about everything some more. "I didn't fight you hard enough, Leo, I wanted to lose the argument, I wanted him in solitary." Leo says he knows, because McManus didn't "stomp out of [his] office when [he] wouldn't let [him] have [his] way." Tim moans that he does want Omar back in Em City, and Gloria points out that Omar already stabbed him and, now, literally kicked the shit out of him. Now Tim says he "let him keep kicking." Oh, and he also thinks he lost the basketball game because he gave up hope. Never mind the fact that he got his ass kicked by a guy who had both hands cuffed behind his back and can't play basketball. He insists that he won't give up on Omar. Leo tells him to go home for a few days and think about it. McStupid says he won't change his mind. That if he gives up on even one of the inmates, what chance does he have? He may as well open up a diner somewhere and flip burgers till he dies. Leo says he may join him if he does. I figure they will both get their chance when their run on this show is over.
Hill yapping about James Dean telling a friend his fun days were over right before he crashed his car and died. The cereal-box philosophy on that one? Was it a self-fulfilling prophecy? Or maybe Jim was just a bad driver who went too fast.
Infirmary. We are joined by the melodious strains of the balloon music as Vern gets blood taken for a DNA test. Demon-oxiribo-nuclear-hick acid, for those of you who don't know. We see him go back to Unit B, and his boys are playing pool. Robson asks how it all went; Vern says it went fine. Robson tells him he "heard something about Beecher." "What about Beecher?" Robson: "You know he's up for parole?" Vern goes over to get a cue and attempts to concentrate on playing. Robson: "Vern, Beecher fucked up your parole." Vern snaps that he remembers. Robson says maybe Hank and Andrew would still be alive if Vern had been paroled, which pisses Vern off, and he huffs away. Robson only looks pleased with himself. , in the interaction lounge, Vern startles both Beecher and Sister Pete by bursting in and yelling, "Why didn't you tell me?" Pete jumps up and warns him to stop. He continues on yelling and accusing Beecher of not being honest and how they were supposed to be on equal ground. Pete yells for the guard as Vern just reams Beecher. The guard comes in and says, "All right, Schillin-jer." Vern flaps his arms and shouts, "SHILLING-GERRR! Goddammit, SCHILLINGER! Been in here nine fucking years, you'd think you'd learn how to say my goddamn name!" He leaves with the guard and points to Beecher as he goes. Beecher thinks Vern will now do something to mess up his parole. Pete says she'll talk to him. Beecher looks worried. Does he ever look any other way?
Cafeteria. Beecher eating a shitty-looking lunch as Vern marches over with his Aryan friends. He leans in Beecher's face. They all start taking his food away like lunchroom bullies. Beecher wimps, "I'm sorry I didn't tell you about the parole…I don't really believe it's going to happen." Vern insists that it will happen because when they see Beecher, a "rich white boy," they'll grant it for sure. Beecher starts to interject but Vern's all, "You're NOT going free, bitch! You're not walking out of here and leaving me behind!" He spits food out onto Beecher's tray and gets up to leave. Then he snarls for Beecher to clean up the mess. The saddest part of that scene is when I see that Beecher's sandwich was just two pieces of bread with one cheese single. Beecher looks worried.
Tim's office. Sister Pete tells Tim and Beecher that she spoke to Vern, and he promised to be a good little racist. Beecher says he's lying. She seems to be aware of that, but thanks him for the newsflash. He insists that Tim put him into solitary. He can't, though, because Vern hasn't done anything. Also, it's full. So is protective custody. No, he'll just put Beecher in his own pod and let him take his meals there. A guard will be placed outside his door. Beecher leaves the office, looking -- say it with me now -- worried. We cut to the common area, where Beecher stands in his pod with a guard out front, as the bikers all look as though they are plotting something. We hear Said and Arif talking about how the Aryans look like they are plotting something. Arif explains that they are trying to provoke Beecher into committing an act of violence so he jeopardizes his chances at parole. Said says he will prevent that from happening. That he will do it for Leroy and all the others whose lives were destroyed by those nasty Aryans.
The weight room. Vern works out. Robson walks up and reports that "Hoyt and Hick can't get near Beecher." The parole hearing is the day at eleven. Enter the Muslims, led by Said. "Well, if it isn't my old friend, James Robson." Vern says he promised the warden there wouldn't be any trouble between the two groups, then calls for the officer to stand nearby. Said walks up close to Vern, looks at him, and just smiles.
We're back in the common area. Said walks over to visit with Beecher. He asks him how he's holding up. Said wishes him well. Beecher thanks him. They hug. It's beautiful. Then Beecher decides to psychoanalyze Said about accepting his guilt and facing what killing Adebesi is putting him through. Said claims that he feels no guilt from killing him. Beecher says what "haunts" Said is Adebesi's life, not his death. Which makes no sense. Beecher says, "I saw your face, the moment after you killed Adebesi, and a part of him bled into you." Said tells him he's wrong. Beecher insists that Said has "denied the Adebesi" within him. He then advises him to embrace his Adebesi. Said tucks his lips over his teeth and leaves.
Okay, here's the thing. I don't want to recap the dream. We all know he had it. He gets the parole and a new leather day-planner from Catherine, the Aryans try to kill him before he leaves, but he makes it and drives off in a car with Catherine the lawyer and they go on a picnic on a grassy knoll with Holly, the future serial killer. Then, he wakes up and he's back in his ugly pod with his one blanket and flat pillow. There you have it. I get the attempt and showing us the sunlight and yes, it was okay to see the exterior of Oswald, but stupid is as stupid does, Lieutenant Dan.
We open to the real parole day, with Beecher reporting to Pete that they asked him about defecating on Schillinger's face and biting off the tip of Robson's penis. He's "not sure if [his] answers satisfied them." The door opens. In walks Catherine-in-heat. "I'm sorry, Tobias, they voted no." They apparently were impressed, but his progress did not "balance" all the bad behavior from before. However, they will be open to another hearing in one year. Beecher leaves. Pete calls after him, "Tobias, stay here and talk for a while." He says he wants to be alone.
Back in Em City, everyone watches Beecher re-enter with various looks of interest. As he starts taking off his blazer and settling back in, they all realize he's not out. In the library, later, Beecher reads and Schillinger enters with Robson. Vern tells him he's happy they will still get to be inside together. Beecher stands, and Robson hold his arms behind his back so he can't get away. Vern suggests he and Beecher "kiss and make up." As Vern makes with the kissy-fish face, his expression turns to surprise, then pain, as we spot the white knit cap rising from behind him and see that Said has shanked Vern. Arif bursts in from behind where Robson has thrown Beecher to the ground and looks as though he's about to help Vern. Arif throws Robson to Said, who shanks him. Guards burst in and apprehend Said while Beecher looks either upset or disgusted.
Infirmary. Vern is lying on his side with blood on the pillow. Gloria asks him if he can move his foot, which makes me wonder if he might be paralyzed. She then goes over to Robson, who was stabbed in the gut and is swearing like a mad hatter. Cut to solitary, where Said is thrown in. Naked. He looks possessed. That boy's got the Adebesi in him! Back in Em City, it looks like they are all in lockdown, because nobody is walking around except for the guards. Beecher is in his pod, ripping the pages out of his new address book that Catherine gave him. Or, wait, that was in the dream. Maybe it's his old book. The hell?
Hill. He wants to go home. I hear you, man.
We see HBO giving themselves a major plug as the inmates test-drive their new cable and watch G-String Divas. Hoyt wanders in with his mail bin and has to call Ryan's name twice before tearing his attention away from the grinding ladies on the TV screen. He has a package. Ryan looks at it and scampers up to show Sinead O'Connelly. It's the wristwatch needed to finish the bomb. Ryan begins to doubt the plan to blow up Em City. Connelly explains that by fighting, they do not necessarily go to war; they just ensure that they never lose. I think blowing myself up is losing, but that's just wacky ol' me.
The gates of Em City. Ryan shifts from foot to foot as he waits for Cyril to arrive. Cyril shows up and squeaks in excitement. They hug, then walk to their pod arm-in-arm.
Infirmary. Ryan stands in the room with Dr. Love. She's counting pills. He says, "I can't thank you enough for getting Cyril sent back to me." She tells him she didn't do it for him, she did it because "it was the right thing to do." He leans way into her space and says he realizes she always does the right thing…that's why he loves her. Then he says, "Kiss me." She just stands there, so he leans and kisses her. She breaks away; he leans his head against a cabinet in defeat while she stutters for the guard to take Ryan back to his cell so he can masturbate a lot. Before Ryan leaves, he says, "I didn't mean to upset you, all I meant to say was that I've got every reason to live now…every reason." He leaves, and she touches her mouth and looks pissed at herself.
Kitchen. Ryan turns on the gas and sees Connelly in the lunch line. He runs over and says he's been thinking about "Operation Dumbo Flop." Connelly says they can't talk about it in public. Ryan: "We're going to wind up killing a bunch of people that don't have to die." Ugh. So many [sic]s…so little patience. Connelly says he will give the hacks a five-minute warning to evacuate. Ryan persists that it may not be enough time, that the blast may spread to other areas, other cellblocks, or even the infirmary. Connelly doesn't care. All he cares about is their "mission" and that it gets done. Ryan makes with the exit speech as he says he realizes the mission makes sense to Connelly but, even though Ryan has killed people, in the end, all his actions don't amount to shit. He has a brother, and a woman, within the walls of Oz who believe in him even though he's given them no reason to; he doesn't want to mess that up. Connelly again insists that the mission be completed. Ryan runs to a hack and asks to be taken back to Em City…that it's an "emergency." Pancamo, with his usual flair, meatheads that Ryan needs to turn the gas off. Ryan tells him to do it. Pancamo doesn't want to.
Connelly running through Em City. He reaches his pod and finds Ryan picking up the bomb, made with mysterious canisters that I can't seem to figure out how they got. Ryan: "I'm taking this fucking bomb to the hacks." Connelly says, "Relax, Ryan, what you said in the cafeteria has started to penetrate this thick skull of mine." Ryan all duhs, "Yeah?" He starts to gush how that is so great and they can fight Irish crime together! Connelly asks him with feigned concern if he shut the timer off. Ryan stupidly says he hasn't done anything yet. Connelly tells him to hand it over, then re-sets the timer for two minutes. Ryan starts to freak and Connelly runs away, reminding Ryan that he only has two minutes to escape. As Connelly walks through Emerald City with the bomb-diggity, Ryan yells to McManus and Murphy what's happening. The inmates slowly react. Connelly yells that they have one minute left and for everyone to evacuate. Everyone runs to the gates of Em City McManus first tries to reason with Connelly, then he shouts orders to the hacks around him to check the computer room and make sure all the pods are empty. Murphy radios to open the gates. Ryan uncharacteristically tries to help out. He asks Connelly to cut the wires. Connelly tells him he'd "better go." Ryan: "Put the bomb down and we'll both go." He reminds Connelly to fight the good fight. Connelly doesn't want to die on English soil. Murphy and Tim yell for Ryan to move it. Ryan swears at Connelly for not coming, and runs. They all turn the corner just outside of Em City and wait. Like, is that really far enough? Connelly stands there, counting down and saying a Hail Mary. The timer goes off, but the bomb doesn't. Connelly drops it to the ground. He stares at it. He kicks it. Stupid bomb. He really kicks it. Ryan and the others realize the bomb is a dud. Murphy sends the guards in to get Connelly.
Hill. When we die, what is the nicest thing someone will say about us? I think people will say, "That Megyn, she sure could put away those pancakes…and she was really good in bed." Ha. I'm just kidding. I don't really eat that many pancakes.
The darkened kitchen. A coughing hack walks in and blows his stuffy nose while pulling out a pack of cigarettes. He looks around and pats for his lighter. We hear the hiss of gas. He lights the match. It fails. He tries it again. It lights. Kablooey!