I just noticed that the opening-credits music sounds like porn music.
Hill. Lying on his side while waxing idiotic about snow. It's like this: It sucks when, like, it snows, and you get your car stuck, or you step in a puddle and you're wearing your good shoes for that meeting you have to attend at work, right? But in Oz, they don't notice the weather because, well, they're in prison. And now you know. And knowing is half the battle. The other half of the battle is the blood gushing from my ear because my brain can't take all this wisdom.
Murphy trudges up the stairs to turn the lights on, 'cause it's time for those bad kiddies to wake up, greet the day they'll never see, and get to steppin' ten feet away from their pods to do a whole lotta nothing. We see Ryan awaken, and he's got drool on his face. Because HBO is keeping it real. He rubs his eyes sleepily and spies Cyril checking himself out in the mirror. He asks if he's okay, and we see that Cyril's hair is slowly returning to normal. Now, I've never been gray or anything and, having almost black hair that can't be colored in any way unless I want an adventure in rusty orange streaks, I can't say I'm an expert on the art of hair dying, butwouldn't his hair still be gray and it would just grow back normally? Rather than, poof! Hey, look me over! I'm blond. Anyway, Ryan says "holy shit" and walks over to finger the miracle of nature, and Cyril blinks and furrows his brow while clicking and whirring. Dear Tom Fontana: That plot really sucked. Love, me. , we see Dr. Gloria "to the heart pill pop ya don't stop-stop" Nathan, going over the details of how nobody but poor dead Wick suffered from her diabolical drug testing with Sister Pete, thus neatly wrapping up one of the main plot lines and depositing it into the "special" receptacle labeled "conceived after numerous bong hits." Enter Murphy, who yaddas about snow and lots of it and "I'm just here to establish the premise for this show with my yadda-snow-yadda-blizzard-and-oh-yeah.javahhhhhhhhh." Then he asks about McManus, to which Gloria purrs that she stopped by to see him, he's in great spirits and should be back week. I guess he heals the way soap-opera children age.
Flashback of Wick's head being lifted by Hoyt while sticky blood oozes from his nose and mouth. This sets the scene, in which a lawyer-man comes a-callin' on Gloria to tell her he's been retained by the Wygert Corporation for Really Bad Ideas, and that Wick's family will be suing to the tune of twenty five million. The bad news? She's been named as a co-defendant. "I am?" an incredulous Gloria asks. He tells her to relax; he's confident the family will settle. However, and here's where the news gets super-nasty-bad, The State Medical Board of Ethics wants to review the case and decide whether there was any malpractice on her part, which means she could lose her license and have to give her stethoscope back. That really blows for Gloria. Cue the music of a fan somewhere being turned to "high" and the shit waiting to leap into it as she walks down that gray corridor -- you all know the one -- and finds herself staring into the flashbulbs of paparazzi, who have all turned up to find out why she did such a dumb thing and went and cut her hair. Oh, and they ask about the "aging pill" as she backs up, turns, and walks back up the gray corridor with her fluffy tail between her legs.
“ I feel stupid when my boss calls me from his office and I can hear him both in the receiver and a few feet behind me. I feel even more so when he yells, 'Hey! Stupid!' ”
Common area. Ryan is told by a CO that he has a visitor. "Who?" "Some lady." Hey, thanks, guy. Ryan proceeds to the visiting room, the one reinforced with bullet-and-shank-proof windowed stalls and phone receivers. I don't know about you, but I've always thought I would feel really silly talking into a phone receiver while looking at the person I'm talking to. I don't know -- I'm conditioned to believe that I need the phone because the person is somewhere else. Hell, I feel stupid when my boss calls me from his office and I can hear him both in the receiver and a few feet behind me. I feel even more so when he yells, "Hey! Stupid!" Anyway, Ryan approaches the stall where Suzanne Fitzgerald, a.k.a. Betty Buckley, waits. He picks up his little bat-phone and suspiciously asks if they know each other. "Yes, but we haven't seen each other since you were a child." Ryan enlightens her to the fact that he ain't too big on nostalgia so cut to the chase. She tells him she has something to say that he "may find hard to believe" -- pause while she licks her lips like a lizard. Ryan smiles wearily as he smells that this plot is getting that "not so fresh" feeling. "Try me." And she presses the red button, which releases the bomb: "I'm your mother." Ryan's face melts away slowly as he absorbs this little factoid. "My mother's dead." She starts to explain, but Ryan screams, "My mother's DEAD!" as he bangs down the phone, startling her, and leaves. She sits in her plaid shirt, formerly worn by the Brawny Paper Towel guy, and gapes.
we see Ryan gettin' jiggy with Claire, because Tom Fontana likes to see me cry. He really does. Ryan's really white ass mocks me as Claire looks bored and pushes him off. She says something about Halloween, and I opt for the higher road rather than the easy joke. He tells her he's had "stuff on his mind," and she assures him she doesn't "give a shit." She pulls up her pants, saying the thrill is gone and it's time for her to "move on." God I can SO see where this is going, and I'm already grossed out. I have seen enough Claire action to last a few lifetimes and I really don't need her getting it on with his brother. God. Please. No. Do you want to hurt me? Do you?!?! (Insert recapper throwing back head and Snoopy-crying, "Aaaaaaaaaaaaaaaa!!!!")
Unit J-is-for-jailbird. Cyril arrives to deliver lunch to the bad cops. Un-funny dialogue between Alvin and Mobay about how much Alvin, the redneck, eats. Over his shoulder, Mobay tells Clayton lunch is there, because he's deaf and blind, to which Clayton says, "Fuck you." Nice. Cue Claire sidling up to Cyril all, "Hey blondieyou afraid of me? You don't have to be afraid of me. I'm good friends with your brother. I'd like to be friends with you too." Just before Barney the damn purple dinosaur jiggles in to sing a song, she tweaks Cyril's bum, which causes him to grab a tray and pop her good. She stops him while another CO joins in and restrains him. She beats him with her ugly stick. So he won all those boxing matches, but Claire was able to stop him from beating her. Riiiiight. Cut to the room of pointless discussion as Gloria tells Ryan, in the company of Murphy, that Claire told them Cyril "attacked her without provocation." Ryan's pissed and says she's lying. Gloria says Cyril will sleep in the ward that night, and Murphy points out to Ryan that these "attacks" of Cyril's are becoming frequent and may lead to his transfer to the loony place where the rooms are soft and the pudding flows like butter. Ryan, for a change, flips out and causes Murphy to remove him from the room as Ryan begs Gloria to help him. Because she's just "gotta." Because they're "in love" and are going to "do it" soon because she is a "sell-out."
scene: we see Ryan greeting his dad in a visiting area minus the phones and stalls. Ryan's got his hair all slickered to the side like a young whippersnapper on his way to church. No wonder his dad hates him. Dad says they may get fifteen inches of snow by Thursday and bitches about having to be on the roads; in other words, he's bitching about having to visit his son. Ryan tells his dad of Cyril's possible transfer. Dad's all, "So?" Ryan gets mad and says that, at least in Oz, Cyril has him. Dad O'Reils him up and asks him what this is "really about?" Ryan says, "Suzanne Fitzgerald." This cause dad to wig out, much like Ryan earlier, and he calls new-mommy names and claims she's "a liar," to which Ryan repeats, "It's true!" over and over until I want to hit him with a skillet. Dad leaves to brave the roads back to the trailer park from whence he came while Ryan absorbs the impact. Where should he run for comfort? We don't have to wait long to find out, since this is cable and that means NO commercials, which means I'm only nine minutes into this and see no escape any time soon. Which means, if this were a Survivor-esque recap, my one luxury item would be either a crack pipe or a gun. Ryan and Gloria discuss the new development and how to possibly track down his new mom. He explains that he "chased her out," so now he doesn't know where to begin looking. To which Gloria pipes up, "Maybe I can find her." "Would you?" Ryan preens while she doe-eyes him. "And this bullshit, about sending Cyril awayyou'll fix that too?" She says she can't "make any promises," and he puts his hand over hers and asks that she at least try. We see her look down at his hand over hers as she sighs, "Ryan" He interrupts, "Please. Don't let them separate us." Cyril appears, and Ryan jumps up to help lead Cyril out of the room. He turns back to Gloria and tells her he knows she'll "do what's right." She stares off into the distance as his manipulation swirls around her like a dense cloud of stank.
Flashback. Clayton shooting Gov. Gremlin, who I have now decided looks like Mr. Mxyztptlk. We cut back to present day as Clayton visits with his mom. She asks after him and is relieved to know he is housed with other cops. He's "safe." He proceeds to say bitter things about how she and Leo "treated him like china" all his life because his dad got shanked when Clayton was seven years old. He bitches at her for being too protective, and instead of giving him a good smack for being sassy and ungrateful, she asks what she should have done. He yaps about "knowing [his] true self." He stares menacingly off into the distance and muses about what he was "born to do." She asks him what he's planning. He claims "nothing." I will pay top dollar for somebody to kill him. He's boring and stupid.
Common room. Hoyt questions everyone on whether they're cold or not. Because it's snowing out. Pancamo tells him to put on a sweater. Cut to the popular table, sans Keller, as Beecher approaches Ryan and Rebadow on when Busmalis is getting married. Rebadow says, "Tomorrow." Beecher wants to do something for him. Ryan winces, "Like what?" Beecher suggests a bachelor party, incomplete with no hookers or alcohol. Sounds like a non-good time to me. Rebadow points this out to him, and Beecher gets all sensitive and says, "Fine," and to forget he brought it up, before stamping off and pouting in a corner as he presses one of Keller's old wife-beaters to his face and inhales deeply. Rebadow watches him go and says to Ryan that Beecher "misses Keller." Ryan says simply, "I don't," and proceeds to ask Rebadow if he is the best man in the ceremony. Upon confirmation of this, Ryan predicts the marriage is doomed and leaves the table. Cyril, who by the way was sitting there the whole time, zips up his sweat jacket and follows him.
Lights out. The geri-pod. Busmalis and Rebadow discuss the impending nuptials while lying in their respective bunk beds, much like two schoolgirls having a sleep-over and talking about boys. Busmalis is resting his cheek on his palm and staring into the dark as Rebadow reassures him that it is not crazy to marry a younger woman while serving time in prison. Busmalis broaches the subject of consummating the marriage or, rather, not being able to. His partner-in-senility fixed that by speaking to Pete about allowing the couple, on their wedding night only, to rock the cradle of love, to which Bus glazes over and moons, "Norma and I are going to romp through Cupid's grove." Uh. Right. Shocker that you've never gotten any. Busmalis is leaning down to stare dreamily at Rebadow; his dreaminess turns to a bit of shyness as he says, "You're gonna have to tell me what to dowith Normain bed." Okay, yeah, Rebadow will school him on the ways of forbidden love. Because, after thirty five years of imprisonment, Rebadow knows SO much about wild sex, as he has, through the internet, kept abreast of the recent tantric "phenomenon" the kids keep talking about, not to mention that he's a huge fan of Sting, so he's just the codger to do the coaching. Anyway, so they're gonna do it. Rebadow rolls on his back and echoes the sentiments shared by Ryan earlier: "This marriage is doomed." Yeah, whatever, Kreskin.
Said's pod of conflicted torment. Father Mukada waits for Arif the doorman to allow him access. He quite obviously needs to talk but fronts that he just brought the schedule for Said, showing the times he may hold services in the cafeteria. Said gives him the look of "I know something's amiss, talk to me my son." But says, "There is nothing else?" Mukada laughs with relief since he may now spill the beans without having to ask. "I made an assumption about the Reverend Cloutier, that he was a phony." He admits that when Timmy wanted to switch to the Reverend's congregation, rather than remaining Catholic, it bugged him and he made a judgment, rather than reveling in the fact that Timmy was still celebrating God. He admits to wanting him to do it through "the one true church," which would be Mukada's. Said dispenses the wisdom that as long as they all march to a higher drummer, we must accept how they choose to do it. I'm paraphrasing, of course, but I think you all get the gist. Cut to Mukada telling Reverend Dylan that he wants to talk to him. He wants to throw an ecumenical service, and Dylan says that he was thinking the exact same thing. Everybody's friends now, joining hands together and being one, blah blah blah. I'm all warm inside. They apologize to each other for acting like assholes. Mukada claims that their sins are their bond. Whatever gets you through, Mukada. We cut to the recording of "We Are The World," already in progress. Mukada is joined by Said, Cloutier, and the priest guy. Mukada is leading by explaining that in the house of God, there are many rooms. Each room holds His presence as much as the other. As he talks, we pan around the inmates, some listening, some not; others are watching in amazement as the fishcakes fall out of Mukada's mouth and splatter on the floor, only to then be flattened by the POINT OF IT ALL as it falls from the sky, crashes through the ceiling, and lands with a note fastened to the top on which the golden words are written, "Dear All -- Even I want you to move on, they get it -- Love, God A. Mighty."
Hill, playing in the snow. We all long for a time we've never been a part of. In essence, mankind sucks ass and we are all going to kill each other. All this said while black-and-white images of happier times play in the background. I put my VCR on pause while I get up from my office chair, take the elevator down to the lobby, walk across the street, narrowly escape a rabid rollerblader as he whizzes by me, walk to the HBO building, take the elevator up to the eighteenth floor, get off at the HBO offices, walk past the objecting receptionist, enter the office of the head guy, and sock him in the gut for getting me all depressed and shit before plodding back to the elevator and returning to my building.