Fish sticks and Cabernet, people. I'm not fooling around. If I'm going to recap this, I'm taking you all down with me.
Fade up on Hill. "In Oz, revenge is a growth industry." And that's enough of that.
Burr, doing his best "trapped in a box," pacing like he just figured out that trying to act his way out is futile. Why pace? If it were me, I'd get right on down and nap. He seems angry, and perhaps a bit claustrophobic. The refugees do their part by gathering to stare like he's some side-show freak. I'm not saying he's not or anything; I'm just saying it's rude. Burr asks what they're looking at. Well, he doesn't ask per se -- he yells out of the side of his mouth, as he tends to do. Kind of like Popeye, except Popeye does have a corn-cob pipe in his mouth so it's understandable. Anyway, he paces until Murphy shows up and tells him the warden wants to see him. Murphy opens the cage, and Burr lurches out and stumbles after him
In Glynn's office, Leo tells Burr he believes he had that poor refugee from last week's episode killed. Burr asks what this belief is based on. McManus breaks in to sniff that the poor, poor refugee came to him and said Burr threatened him. McManus is like that little cackling rat-like thing that was attached to Jabba the Hutt. Doesn't he ever have paperwork to do or something? Burr goes for the logical route, asking why he would kill someone when he was told specifically that he would be held accountable should anything happen to said someone. For instance, staples through the temple. McManus sees his logic and raises him two dead brain cells with "Maybe you assumed I would think you're too smart to kill him." You're real good there, Inspector Clueless-eau. Glynn says that all they have is the word of one dead man. Excellent, Leo -- keep up the good work.
Back in the common room, Poet helps Burr walk through, and they pass Morales and Pancamo. Burr lurches up. "Thanks for arranging my stay in the cage...I won't forget it." As the twosome exits, Pancamo turns to Morales: "So much for plan A." Morales: "That's why we have a plan B, and C and D, all the way through Z if we need to." Pancamo: "We don't have time to go through the alphabet." I do see his point, as he probably forgets most of it and thinks "ellamenno" is a letter. Anyway, Pancamo believes Burr will soon retaliate, and therefore time is of the essence.
Glynn walking through solitary as Supreme All-blah yells from his little window that he needs his shower fixed and that he stinks. Glynn suggests that it's his acting. Okay, no, he didn't. That was me. Glynn keeps walking to Alvarez's cell. When he enters, he asks if Alvarez has been patted down before asking the guard to leave them. Glynn asks what he wants. Alvarez has a proposition for him. He offers, in exchange for release from solitary, to be Glynn's snitch. He acknowledges the bad blood between himself and Glynn, but says he could be valuable, as he can find out and report everything going on in Oz. After Glynn clarifies that he thinks Alvarez is lower than ass, he agrees to Alvarez's proposal. We see Alvarez returning to Emerald City with his bag of magic beans over his shoulder, his pillow under his arm and a sense of adventure, walking through the gate amidst catcalls and heckling. McManus peeks out from his office window like the neighborhood gossip. Ryan walks by and says, "What, you get busted going into Mexico?" "What're you, stupid, Alvarez?" he continues on and as he passes Morales, they exchange a look. I'm sure he's wondering what the deal is with all the cots since the refugees are still living there, despite the death of one of their own.
In the computer room, Morales is informed that Alvarez is there to see him. Morales says he was wondering when Al was coming to see him. Alvarez looks like he's about to vomit. "A lot has happened since I escaped...Hernandez is dead." Morales: "And that makes you feel how?" Alvarez says it makes him happy. He hated Hernandez. Morales regards him. "Honesty...I like honesty -- I hear that sometimes, you're too honest." Alvarez assures him that he just wants back in, he's not challenging anybody. Morales points out Buzz, who is watching TV: "See that man over there? Kill him." Then Morales exits while Alvarez soils himself.
Hill: "Vengeance is mine, said the Lord. Now, does that mean revenge is good? That it is a holy act?" Dunno. It seems to make sense when one is drunk, I guess. Maybe when one sort of super-glues loose change to an ex-boyfriend's car. Not quarters, though. Need those for laundry.
Staff meeting. Glynn prompts Gloria, who launches into how the Wygert Corporation wants them to participate in testing a new drug they're developing. An aging drug. McManus: "I am against using prisoners as guinea pigs!" Obviously, Tim takes his guinea pigs very seriously. Gloria clarifies that participation is voluntary. Claire asks why any of the "jackasses" would volunteer...to benefit humanity? And rolls her eyes. Glynn states that Wygert contacted Governor Gremlin, who agreed to reduce sentences for participation. What's with the Governor approving everything by the time there's a staff meeting? He did the same thing with the TV crew coming to Oz. Does he ever say "no" to anything? We cut to Gloria telling the inmates. They all cheer about the sentence-reduction thing.
Back in the common room, Beecher, Busmalis, and Hill sit around the chess table discussing this recent development and how similar it is to the plot in the sci-fi flick The Ice Pirates. Okay, no, they don't, but I can't help thinking that the producers of The Ice Pirates should get a check or something. Beecher mulls the pros and cons to aging. On one hand, Holly needs him. On the other, what would it do to her to see him look older than his grandfather? Busmalis says he wants to be with Norma-not-Miss-Sally but is afraid to die. Hill doesn't apply since he's in for life. Hoyt walks by with a little Nazi friend. They are totally in and stress how they want out of Em City as they pass Said, Arif, and company, who are also discussing the drug testing. Said believes it's "immoral" and "unnatural." Arif says he would like to be with his family. In essence, the Ozlings are all a-twitter with excitement.
We break to the kitchen where Ryan does...something with a clipboard as Claire sneaks up and grabs his tushy, startling poor Ryan, and he whips around and sees that his worst nightmare is a cakewalk compared to the hippopotamus currently in his dance space. Claire says he looks sexy in his kitchen whites. She loves a man in uniform. Claire grabs him and kisses him right there in the kitchen, in a prison, and Ryan struggles, breaks away, sputtering, "Not here. NOT now, I told you this is fucking crazy!" "What, O'Reily, you got a headache?" Ryan threatens to go to the warden. She reminds him that they aren't through till she says they're through, and maybe she'll have to find someone else...someone just as handsome...like, oh, I don't know...Cyril? Right on cue, Cyril walks by carrying something while staring up at the pretty, pretty ceiling. Ryan balks and agrees to get Claire's groove on. Claire induces vomiting by suggesting that Ryan play the "little Dutch boy," and that's as far as I'll go because I need this alcohol to stay down if I'm going to recap this dreck. Off they go to play little Dutch boy, although Ryan looks like Little Boy Blue. And Claire looks like she's got Chewbacca's paw on her head. Cyril watches them as they exit. We then cut to him on the payphone talking to "Aunt Brenda." Yes, the candy came. He especially liked the chocolate. This fascinating conversation is halted by an inmate, in combat-chic, banging on the wall and shouting for the "tard" to get off the phone. Combat Boy finally walks in and presses the connection tab. Cyril looks at him and smashes the phone on his hand, which is still on the phone, then takes him to the ground and beats the crap out of him. Murphy comes running in and pulls Cyril back while Cyril screams and gets his hair in his mouth. We then see Cyril being wheeled on a gurney into the infirmary of forbidden passion as Gloria attempts to sedate him. Cyril reaches up with one arm and tries to choke her until a hack hits him with his nightstick. We then cut to McManus saying to Gloria that Cyril is becoming increasingly erratic and suggests a transfer out of Oswald. He then cuts to more pressing matters by asking her about the rain check for dinner. As Gloria fights to keep her skin from crawling right off her body, she says she has a prior engagement, a work one. It's going to go late. McManus: "Tomorrow?" Gloria: "Maybe." She exits, thinking that monkeys might fly out of her butt, too. Is that sexual harassment?
Back in the infirmary -- Gloria's office, to be exact -- Ryan is venting about time, how much time gets wasted, how much time one has left. She just stares back at him throughout the scene. He sits on the stool opposite her and pleads that she has to help him and Cyril get out. He asks her to "make him old." I feel like I'm getting old as I'm typing this.
McManus is yelling at Gloria in front of a juice machine that Ryan is not a viable candidate for the drug testing. "Why not?" "Because he's NOT eligible for parole, he's in for life." Gloria spits that she can petition the Commissioner to make an exception, and if he's going to listen to anyone about the O'Reily brothers, it's going to be her. McManus: "Why do you want to help him?" Gloria: "Humanitarian reasons." McManus says that "humanitarian and Ryan don't go in the same sentence." Gloria just yells, "Sometimes you are SO blind!" Well. That explains his wardrobe. McManus tell her he will do everything in his power to stop her and shut the whole operation down if she does this. They both stomp out while Murphy, who was sitting at the table the whole time, just sort of sits there with his mouth open.
With no preamble, we see Gloria in front of the ten chosen inmates for the drug testing. Ryan and Cyril are two of them. And no, we won't learn how or why they got to be there. She explains that five of them will get a real pill while the other five get a placebo. McManus fumes in the background while this music plays that sounds like air slowly being let out of a balloon. I'm not kidding. I hit rewind a bunch. It really does. By the way, volunteers also include Beecher and Robson. As for who gets what, there's just no guessing, folks. I know I'm stumped. Now, who do you think might get a real one and who will get the placebo? Gosh, I sure hope Ryan and Cyril both get the harmless stuff...hang on, I just gotta grab the phone...
Hill says his Uncle Bilbo always said that revenge is a dish best served cold. Hill is just the chairman of metaphoric blather. And who the hell names their kid Bilbo?
Basketball court. Enter Rick Fox, toting a basketball. He's yummy. Makes you wanna sop him up with a biscuit! He also went to Chapel Hill at the same time as my sister. He once threw up all over her boyfriend, who is now her husband, at a frat party. Isn't that a beautiful story? He spies Hill: "Augustus Hill -- how you doin', brother?" Hill gives him the brush-off, and Fox says he remembers when he first came to Oz, he was Hill's hero. Cue the flashback of relevance as we see Hill, with much shorter hair, yapping to a bandanna-wearing Fox about his basketball career while Fox smokes out underneath the staircase of invisibility. Back to the present, and Hill says he was naïve then. "Back then, I thought you were as good a person as a basketball player." Um, [sic]? I know it's no use. This is the show that ate proper grammar and picked its teeth with correct sentence structure. Anyway, Fox protests that during the riots in Oz, he tried to "step up and help"; in return he got an ass-whooping and a transfer. Hill, over his violin: "Whatever." Fox says he'll be up for parole soon anyway and Hill will still be rotting there. He throws the basketball he's holding right at Hill.
Hill in the fluorescent green computer room, swearing at the screen. Enter Rebadow, who asks what the matter is. Hill is trying to find the woman that Fox beat up and almost raped -- the reason he's in prison. Hill wants to make sure she gets in front of the parole board so Fox doesn't go free. Rebadow asks Hill why. Does he hate him? Why not just let him get out and resume his basketball career? Hill says it isn't about "hate," it's about justice. Through the rain of corn, Rebadow just says, "Sounds like hate to me."
We cut to Hill on the payphone. He asks for Beverly Reid. We see Fox heading for the parole-board hearing just as Beverly exits the room. He looks at her, and she keeps moving. His face falls. Game over.
In the lunchroom, Hill rolls by Fox's table as he's brooding over his food. "Hey Jackson, how'd that hearing go, man?" Fox goes completely berserk. He jumps up and goes after a guard, not Hill, and it takes three of them to restrain him, much to the delight of all on-lookers, including Hoyt and Schillinger. We see Rebadow cast a look in Hill's direction, and Hill's face reflects regret. Yeah, I don't really get it either. Fox gets thrown in the hole. We get NO frontal. I bet Vanessa wouldn't approve it. What's the point then, I ask you? I can't work like this!
Solitary. Smith the hack goes to move William, who is being transferred to death row. Remember him? He killed Bevelaqua back in the season premiere. The real one, not the midway-through premiere. Part two, that is. Oh, forget it. Smith takes William to Sister Pete. She slowly explains the situation. That he killed Bevelaqua. He interjects with "Bad. Bad." She continues that the court found him guilty of first-degree murder and that he is headed for death row. Okay, wait a damn second. He is mentally impaired! How the HELL could he stand trial, much less be sent to death row? He says pleadingly, "Peter? Peter Marie?" She struggles to continue as she really digs the knife in. She repeats, "They are transferring you to death row." "No. Save SAVE, SAVE!!!" She whispers that she's sorry as they take him out. They stick him in his cell across from Moses. LoPresti looks at him through the bars. Will says, "Peter Marie?" LoPresti tells him that Pete can't help him anymore. Moses asks who he is. LoPresti leaves. "Hey, how you doin'?" Will replies, "Tootie fruitie." Moses gets annoyed and asks what the hell that means.
Will starts rambling, but before he can break into a rousing rendition of "Rock and Roll McDonald's," we cut to the gym, where the Muslims are doing push-ups. Enter Leroy in a little green knit hat. He drops and joins them. Said sees him, stops, gets up, and pushes Leroy into the chain-link wall, finger in his face, yelling "You do NOT belong here!" All the while doing the contrived snarl of overacting. "I've told you a hundred times, you canNOT become a Muslim!" Said whirls away, and when Leroy reaches out to grab his arm to stop him, Said punches him right in the snout. While Leroy recovers, the other Muslims hold Said back while he spits and hisses. He tells them to let him go and proceeds to stomp out. They all trot after him obediently.
Switch to the flashback of the unnecessary, where we see Leroy in the midst of the armed robbery/shooting that made him what he is today. Cut to Hoyt and Robson, the poor man's Schillinger, entering the basketball court, where Arif is playing with...somebody. Leroy exchanges a look with them as they start in. Robson tells Arif to let Said know he didn't appreciate being thrown in the hole. Arif just wants his ball back. "Sure." Robson throws it in his face, breaking Arif's nose, and Leroy swoops in to save the day. A guard shows up and takes Leroy to the hole. Leroy stands there, also not showing any goods, and looks not at all worried.
Arif approaches Said's pod-of-contention as Said finishes his prayer to Allah. He looks concerned at the state of Arif's face as he sees the nose splint. "What happened?" Arif tells him that when he understands what happened, all the anger Said feels towards Leroy will disappear. Said just says, "Okay." Wow, that was easy. We see Leroy being led back to Em City, and they line up to receive him. Leroy thanks Said for arranging to get him out of the hole and back to Em City. Said schmoops, "I have been blaming you for the sins of others -- for that, I am truly sorry." He gives Leroy back his little green hat, which Leroy dons immediately. It looks purdy and sets off both his faces rather nicely. They all embrace. I switch to hard liquor.
In the mailroom of no supervision, Robson and Hoyt grouse about Leroy and how they had to stage the fight, thus requiring Robson to take a punch from Leroy. They plan to get rid of Said and flatten Leroy directly afterwards. Schillinger walks up and reminds them that he wants Said left alone. "What, you want to start a war?" Robson says that Leroy is doing all the dirty work so no one will ever know they're involved. Schillinger: "This is Oz, people have a way of finding out the truth." Robson: "Look, why don't you go thump your Bible?" Vern actually allows this and walks away. Hell places a call for more blankets and hot soup.
Hoyt and Robson enter the library to find Reverend Dylan and, after smacking some poor bastard sitting in their way on the back of the head, Robson leans in and says, "We're buddies with Vern Schillinger." Hoyt interjects, "You're screwing with his head." Robson looks at Hoyt: "We agreed I was doing the talking...let me do the talking!" Hoyt: "Then get to the point!" Robson turns his attention back to Dylan: "First, you get him to agree to that interaction program with Beecher." This time, Dylan interrupts, "Gentlemen, I assure you I did not convince Vern to do anything except open his heart and let the Lord in." Hoyt: "His heart was doing just fine!" Robson snaps, "Hoyt! Go read a book!" Off Hoyt goes. Robson turns back to Dylan and says that Vern runs the brotherhood. Dylan tells Hoyt he understands. They look to him for leadership. Robson says they don't need him for leadership or heart. "When something needs to get done, it needs to get done, without no...what do you call it...moral dilemma." Dylan counters that there are many ways to get things done. Robson threatens him with a promise to meet Jesus in person if he doesn't back off of his beloved Vern.
In the lunchroom, Dylan tells Schillinger about Tweedles Dee and Dum coming to see him. Vern asks if they threatened him. He says he'll talk to them. Dylan protests and says he's not afraid; he just wants Vern to know. Schillinger goes over the fact that he's been reading his scriptures, talking to Rev. Dylan, all so he can find "a little joy" in his life. He doesn't want to become a holy roller, necessarily. From across the room, Hoyt and Robson glare.
Vern visits with Carrie, the knocked-up chick. He gives her a woman's card, from the Reverend, and tells her to call if she needs anything or just gets lonely. She looks at the card and asks if it's the same Reverend that got nabbed for embezzlement. He says yes, but assures her he's a "good man," and says that he told Rev. Dylan about her -- about how she only has Vern and Hank. She snarfs at the mention of dead Hank and says she knows he isn't coming back. She tosses the card in Vern's face, which is rude, since he's been helping her sorry ass. He picks the card up and hands it to her again, telling her that this woman has been through a similar experience and can help. Carrie tells him she "never figured him for the religious type." He denies that he is.
The "interaction room." Beecher paces like a dork, and Pete enters to alert him that Schillinger is on his way. Beecher tells her his hands are sweaty and he's "borderline nauseous." She Mary-Sunshines that it doesn't mean the meeting isn't the way to go. Schillinger enters. They all sit. Pete asks which one of them wants to go first. Vern raises his hand to volunteer, "Could I start by reading a scripture?" Caught off-guard, Pete says, "Of course...do you mind, Tobias?" "No." He reads the one about the cow and the bear.
Flashback. Timothy Kirk, taking a baby from the mom and placing said baby in a dumpster. Looks like a real winner. I think that scene was a little over the line, actually. We cut to the gym, where Dylan struggles to bench a five-pound weight as Kirk approaches. He asks Dylan if he believes that his body is a temple. Yeah, the temple of skinny. Dylan blah-blings about the body being God's gift to us. Kirk asks if "sex" is also "God's gift," to which Dylan replies, "Yes, of course." This prompts Kirk to lean down into Dylan's personal space and ask the good reverend if he'd like him to get right on down and kiss the bishop. Dylan says, "No thank you," and asks him to step back. He stands and looks at Kirk squarely: "You have spent your whole life being adorable...in a little-boy way...but you put your baby in a dumpster, that's a man's crime. Time to start acting like a man." He walks away, leaving poor adorable Kirk to ponder at Dylan's wisdom.
Busmalis enters the visiting room to find Rebadow, and asks him brightly if he had a nice visit with his son. Norma-not-Miss-Sally enters to visit with Busmalis, and introductions are made all around. She perks that Busmalis has told her a great deal about Rebadow. Lame joke made about not believing what you hear. Ha ha -- not. Rebadow leaves. She asks Busmalis if he's spoken to the warden about the two of them getting married. He has an appointment the day to do just that. They coo and act retarded.
Cut to the geri-pod, where Rebadow keeps watch while Busmalis digs in his tunnel, 'cause the floors in Oz are made of...dirt? Sigh. Rebadow begins harking back to the sixties, when the love of his life, Maggie, got knocked up while they were engaged, which was scandalous. He mopes that they could have "weathered the storm," but two weeks before the wedding, he had to go and stab her father. Then the baby died during childbirth. Busmalis gophers out of the hole. All that to wish Busmalis all the happiness in the world and exclaim that he wants to dance at Busmalis's wedding.
Busmalis sweeps into solitary. Omar beckons him from his little window and tells him he "knows [Busmalis's] secret." Busmalis feigns ignorance. Omar says he saw him before getting shipped off to solitary. Now, how did Omar see him digging a tunnel in the middle of a prison, but the guards have missed the whole thing? I'm going to start a new drinking game. Whenever I look for logic, I drink. You kids can play at home if you want. That way, none of you will notice when the recap stops making sense. So, Omar tells him he wants to use this information to get himself out of solitary. The guard finally does his job and breaks up the conversation since, you know, they're in solitary to NOT talk and all. Cut to Glynn's office, where Busmalis sits as meekly as a little lamb. He puts in the marriage request. Leo tells him that a wedding is usually "rewards for good behavior." Busmalis: "I'm very well-behaved!" Leo reminds him that he dug a tunnel and escaped, all the while aiding another prisoner to escape also and causing poor Leo great embarrassment. Busmalis is very sorry and all contrite-cakes. McManus is there and of course disrespects Glynn with, "C'mon, Leo, we could use the romance." Instead of bitch-slapping McManus for butting in, Leo agrees...but if Busmalis digs another tunnel (uh-oh), he goes straight to solitary, never to see Norma again.
Back in the geri-pod, Busmalis sits at the mouth of his tunnel and moons about how beautiful it is. Rebadow tells him to get moving on the filling in. Down he goes, and we hear him swear, and as he crawls back out saying, "I hit something," we see water shooting out of the hole. Guards run in. Lights go up. We see Busmalis being taken to his new digs in solitary. He looks pitiful. Guess Lucy doesn't get to do no 'splaining.
Hill -- a family feuded for years, they made up.
Ugh. Floria, Captain Shrill of the S.S. Annoying, bobbing her head to music as Poet, Hill, Smith, and LoPresti all sit and moon over her. They all try to out-compliment each other as she bats her eyes and types. Each takes a turn at trying to prove how much in common they have with her. Short of beating their chests and grunting, they cover all areas of animal behavior. Well, they don't sniff her ass either, but you get my drift. McManus walks in and asks what business Poet and Hill have with the warden. Poet has a petition signed by (I guess) all the inmates to get cable installed. Poet lisps, "Broadcast TV sucks!" Um. Word. McManus pretty much sends them on their way and says he'll take care of it. Smith takes them back while he and LoPresti size each other up. Thankfully, Leo shows up just as the testosterone is about to hit the fan. Floria tries to stop him before he walks in his office where, lo and behold, the little minx has redecorated! He loves it. She preens. I struggle to not hork all over the keyboard. McManus makes a comment about her doing his office . She ignores him and asks Leo if he likes it. He says, "It's fantastic! You're fantastic!" She practically swoons at the fished-for compliment as he re-adjusts his thumb, which is up his ass, so he can sit down.
Later, the two of them walk down a gray hallway. That's any hallway, if you wanna know, and Floria gives Leo her super rundown of the warden's conference and the apartment she found for him (with furniture). He asks if his wife called. Soberly, she says, "No." "Send her some flowers." Floria seizes that moment to deliver the message left by his wife's lawyer about "who to call regarding the divorce papers." Leo: "How should I know? How the fuck should I know?" Floria bows her head and clucks. He apologizes with, "First divorce." She offers that she "knows a lawyer...he'll know what to do." Leo tells her to send flowers anyway.
It's the warden's conference, and everybody's there -- including Querns, who comes over to Glynn and begins a round of insult-trading that ends with Glynn telling Querns to fuck off. Just as Glynn begins to leave, Querns tells him to wait, and mentions Clayton Hughes. It seems the prisoners "hate him because he was a CO." Glynn finishes for him, "And the COs hate him because he's a turn-coat." Querns says Clayton's been getting into fights and is currently under protective custody. He doesn't think he'll "survive" the year. Glynn says he wants to transfer him to Oz so he can keep an eye on him...since that's worked so well in the past. Just then, Governor Gremlin shows up, on crutches. Everyone starts clapping as he acts modest. When he reaches Querns and Glynn, Querns commences ass-kissing while the Governor slimes about people telling him he shouldn't come to the conference, since it's being held in the very room where he was shot. Then he tells Glynn that, "thanks to Clayton's helping hand," he won the election.
Leo enters the holding cell where Clayton sits. Leo reacts to Clayton's beaten face and visible weight loss as Clayton thanks him for bringing him back to Oz. He asks which unit he's going to. Leo tells him he's headed for unit J -- the cop unit. Clayton bitches about this until Glynn reminds him he doesn't have a choice. Never mind that Bruno Gergen was a cop and was sent to Emerald City back in the day. Oh, sweet consistency, why hast thou forsaken me?
Flashback. A cop beating a teenager in a chair. Another cop tries to restrain him. We hear Hill VO his name, which is Alvin. He doesn't look like an Alvin.
In the cop unit, which is a lot sunnier and brighter than the rest of Oz, Alvin asks Claire when lunch is getting there. She snarks back that lunch is coming "the same time as every other day." He tells her that he used to know a deputy sheriff like her. Mean, opinionated, yadda yadda. Claire: "Oh yeah?" "Yeah. But she went to a bar and got drunk. Then she got gang-raped on a pool table." Change that to a pinball machine and you've got yourself a Jodie Foster flick. I mean, she wasn't a deputy sheriff, but it's very close. Glynn walks in to break up the love-fest. He sidebars with Claire about keeping an eye on Clayton and making sure no harm comes to him. She rolls her eyes and says, "I'm a CO, not a miracle worker." Why does Leo let his employees talk to him like this? On his way out, Glynn stops at Johnny Basil's cell -- a.k.a. Mobay Dick -- and asks how he's doing. Mobay stares suspiciously and says he "couldn't be better," sans the fake accent (thank God). Glynn's all, o-kay then! And walks out. Lunch arrives courtesy of Poet, who tells Mobay helpfully that he seasoned his food extra special by dosing it. Mobay pushes it aside and picks up his orange. I would NOT touch that either if I were him.
Alvin sits across from Mobay and asks if Clayton is the one who shot the governor. Then he snarks that maybe Clayton should have gone to target practice. Clayton springs into attack mode, and a fight ensues. We fade to a flashback of Mobay pushing Bruno down the elevator shaft. It leads to a visit, already in progress, with his former superior, who tells him, "A lot of people in the department feel you did what you had to do." Mobay mopes, "Except Nancy." It takes me a minute to remember who Nancy is, since he doesn't call her "partner." The other guy reasons that it's hard for her...he betrayed her trust. He goes on to mention the fact that Mobay won't allow his wife to visit with their son. Won't even return calls. Mobay: "I can't face her." It is pointed out to him that he's doing to his wife exactly what Nancy is doing to him. The silence is killing her, and she would like to visit, without their son. Mobay ignores what was just said, rises, and offers his hand: "It was an honor serving under you, sir." Oh, please with the dramatics! Later, in his cell of doom and gloom, John-Mobay looks at a picture of his wife and son while lying in bed. He cries. Oh, shit. I just felt sorry for him. Dammit!
We see a flashback of Ronnie arriving in Em City to remind us of the cozy little lust triangle he's caused. We see Keller, in his pod, wearing very baggy underwear and looking down, straining to see into Beecher and Ronnie's hot-pod. Lights on. Beecher and Ronnie exit their pod while Ronnie pulls a shirt on. Oh, my. Keller and his underwear fume silently. Shower time! Keller enters to find Ronnie touching himself in a very special and private way. He inquires about whether Ronnie's getting lucky, then proceeds to "warn" him about Beecher's promiscuity. Ronnie's like, "I wish you had let me know sooner." "Why?" "Because last night, I got a blowjob deluxe." You know, I just never get tired of typing this shit, in case y'all are wondering. I've actually tried to keep the expletives at a minimum but, I swear, if they don't swear as much then they yap about sex. Did I mention that Keller is facing the camera and making up for Fox and Leroy's lack of frontal? Apparently it was the fluffer's day off -- I'm just sayin'. As Ronnie departs, Keller fumes some more.
Lunchroom. Beecher stands in line as Keller comes up behind him to ask about the nocturnal goings-on in the hot-pod. Beecher coolly says, "You've killed the last two men I've slept with, you gonna kill your friend too?" Keller snarls and knocks the tray out of Beecher's hands, then walks away.
In the gym, Keller and Ronnie work out. Ronnie mentions his surprise when he first learned of Keller's unfortunate incarceration. You know, because Keller's so sly and all. Ronnie ticks off all the shenanigans of Keller, including, but not limited to, drinking, drugs, and young college boys. Sounds like normal everyday stuff to me. Kidding! (Hi Mike! Really, I'm kidding. My brother reads my recaps, yo.) Keller sort of stares off into the distance as he talks about his old ways. "I think I wanted to get caught...get some time off of the streets." Ronnie sits up on his weight bench: "That's a long time off the street you got." Keller leaves the machine, walks over to Ronnie, and plants one right on him. Ronnie gets all weird at first, but Keller kisses him again and they fully mack. Tonsils, the whole nine. Guard beats on the chain-wall and is all, "Hel-loo, get a room." I think they take his advice.
Later, after lights out, Beecher approaches Ronnie while he's falling asleep and indicates, by grabbing his goods, that a little Ronnie is what he needs. He's rebuffed. He asks why. Ron turns to him and confesses that, earlier that day, he and Keller had taboo, backdoor love. And it was wonderful. He thinks he's in love with Keller and promised him he wouldn't sleep with Beecher. Beecher tells him it's a con. Ronnie acknowledges this, but he's just crazy about that Keller guy. Beecher gets up, walks over to the door, and looks resentfully up at Keller, who moons Beecher and shows us a little more starfish than I think we want to see.
Ronnie gets questioned by the FBI about Keller and his interest in young boys. Ronnie doesn't answer any of the pointed questions until the guy offers him a deal. They'll reduce his thirteen-year sentence to five if he rats Keller out. Now Ronnie is listening.
Everyone watching "Up Your Ante!" in the common room, looking bored and listless. I think I'm over the game-show thing and want the puppets back. Maybe they should get cable. Ronnie sneaks up to Beecher and confirms that Beecher's a lawyer. Then he asks Beecher for help. Beecher, miffed: "I don't do pro bono ." Ronnie offers to "pay" him in other ways (wink wink). He whispers about the "deal" he was just offered. He wants to know that it's legit. Then they run off to do stuff.
Beecher finds Keller in the library and sits down. "Keller." Keller looks up: "Oh, we talking now? I thought we were just fucking with each other." "Ronnie is about to sell you out." Keller doesn't believe it. He says Beecher is jealous. Beecher insists. Keller: "You're a goddamned liar!" Beecher: "Believe what you want --- write me from death row."
The storage room, or the killing fields, as it were, since everyone dies in here and yet people still have unsupervised access to the damn room. Keller and Ronnie talk while moving computers around. Keller sets 'em up. "I hear you been telling stories." Ronnie asks what he's talking about. Keller clarifies about the FBI and his young-boy fetish. Ronnie gets all earnest and promises he didn't tell them anything. Keller looks at him for a minute: "If you swear than that's good enough for me." He hugs him and then asks him to get on down there. Ronnie, still convincing him: "I would never sell you out." And down he goes. During which Keller sort of talks to himself, although it's directed at Ronnie. "Maybe I killed all those guys because I wanted to kill the part of me I despise." I'm sure he didn't mean to rhyme. As Ronnie, uh, "finishes," Keller snaps his neck, and poor Brian Bloom falls to the floor, blue eyes staring at nothing.
Hill: "Revenge is the highest compliment you can pay someone. You're basically saying, you affected my life so much, I must affect yours as you did mine." So THAT'S why the episode is titled "Revenge Is Sweet." Golly, thanks, anvil man!
week, we get to see who gets really old, really fast. I hope. To. God. It's a better show than this one. Stupid itchy daytime soap writers. Ptooey!