Fish sticks and Cabernet, people. I'm not fooling around. If I'm going to recap this, I'm taking you all down with me.
Fade up on Hill. "In Oz, revenge is a growth industry." And that's enough of that.
Burr, doing his best "trapped in a box," pacing like he just figured out that trying to act his way out is futile. Why pace? If it were me, I'd get right on down and nap. He seems angry, and perhaps a bit claustrophobic. The refugees do their part by gathering to stare like he's some side-show freak. I'm not saying he's not or anything; I'm just saying it's rude. Burr asks what they're looking at. Well, he doesn't ask per se -- he yells out of the side of his mouth, as he tends to do. Kind of like Popeye, except Popeye does have a corn-cob pipe in his mouth so it's understandable. Anyway, he paces until Murphy shows up and tells him the warden wants to see him. Murphy opens the cage, and Burr lurches out and stumbles after him
In Glynn's office, Leo tells Burr he believes he had that poor refugee from last week's episode killed. Burr asks what this belief is based on. McManus breaks in to sniff that the poor, poor refugee came to him and said Burr threatened him. McManus is like that little cackling rat-like thing that was attached to Jabba the Hutt. Doesn't he ever have paperwork to do or something? Burr goes for the logical route, asking why he would kill someone when he was told specifically that he would be held accountable should anything happen to said someone. For instance, staples through the temple. McManus sees his logic and raises him two dead brain cells with "Maybe you assumed I would think you're too smart to kill him." You're real good there, Inspector Clueless-eau. Glynn says that all they have is the word of one dead man. Excellent, Leo -- keep up the good work.
Back in the common room, Poet helps Burr walk through, and they pass Morales and Pancamo. Burr lurches up. "Thanks for arranging my stay in the cageI won't forget it." As the twosome exits, Pancamo turns to Morales: "So much for plan A." Morales: "That's why we have a plan B, and C and D, all the way through Z if we need to." Pancamo: "We don't have time to go through the alphabet." I do see his point, as he probably forgets most of it and thinks "ellamenno" is a letter. Anyway, Pancamo believes Burr will soon retaliate, and therefore time is of the essence.
Glynn walking through solitary as Supreme All-blah yells from his little window that he needs his shower fixed and that he stinks. Glynn suggests that it's his acting. Okay, no, he didn't. That was me. Glynn keeps walking to Alvarez's cell. When he enters, he asks if Alvarez has been patted down before asking the guard to leave them. Glynn asks what he wants. Alvarez has a proposition for him. He offers, in exchange for release from solitary, to be Glynn's snitch. He acknowledges the bad blood between himself and Glynn, but says he could be valuable, as he can find out and report everything going on in Oz. After Glynn clarifies that he thinks Alvarez is lower than ass, he agrees to Alvarez's proposal. We see Alvarez returning to Emerald City with his bag of magic beans over his shoulder, his pillow under his arm and a sense of adventure, walking through the gate amidst catcalls and heckling. McManus peeks out from his office window like the neighborhood gossip. Ryan walks by and says, "What, you get busted going into Mexico?" "What're you, stupid, Alvarez?" he continues on and as he passes Morales, they exchange a look. I'm sure he's wondering what the deal is with all the cots since the refugees are still living there, despite the death of one of their own.
In the computer room, Morales is informed that Alvarez is there to see him. Morales says he was wondering when Al was coming to see him. Alvarez looks like he's about to vomit. "A lot has happened since I escapedHernandez is dead." Morales: "And that makes you feel how?" Alvarez says it makes him happy. He hated Hernandez. Morales regards him. "HonestyI like honesty -- I hear that sometimes, you're too honest." Alvarez assures him that he just wants back in, he's not challenging anybody. Morales points out Buzz, who is watching TV: "See that man over there? Kill him." Then Morales exits while Alvarez soils himself.
Hill: "Vengeance is mine, said the Lord. Now, does that mean revenge is good? That it is a holy act?" Dunno. It seems to make sense when one is drunk, I guess. Maybe when one sort of super-glues loose change to an ex-boyfriend's car. Not quarters, though. Need those for laundry.
Staff meeting. Glynn prompts Gloria, who launches into how the Wygert Corporation wants them to participate in testing a new drug they're developing. An aging drug. McManus: "I am against using prisoners as guinea pigs!" Obviously, Tim takes his guinea pigs very seriously. Gloria clarifies that participation is voluntary. Claire asks why any of the "jackasses" would volunteerto benefit humanity? And rolls her eyes. Glynn states that Wygert contacted Governor Gremlin, who agreed to reduce sentences for participation. What's with the Governor approving everything by the time there's a staff meeting? He did the same thing with the TV crew coming to Oz. Does he ever say "no" to anything? We cut to Gloria telling the inmates. They all cheer about the sentence-reduction thing.
Back in the common room, Beecher, Busmalis, and Hill sit around the chess table discussing this recent development and how similar it is to the plot in the sci-fi flick The Ice Pirates. Okay, no, they don't, but I can't help thinking that the producers of The Ice Pirates should get a check or something. Beecher mulls the pros and cons to aging. On one hand, Holly needs him. On the other, what would it do to her to see him look older than his grandfather? Busmalis says he wants to be with Norma-not-Miss-Sally but is afraid to die. Hill doesn't apply since he's in for life. Hoyt walks by with a little Nazi friend. They are totally in and stress how they want out of Em City as they pass Said, Arif, and company, who are also discussing the drug testing. Said believes it's "immoral" and "unnatural." Arif says he would like to be with his family. In essence, the Ozlings are all a-twitter with excitement.
We break to the kitchen where Ryan doessomething with a clipboard as Claire sneaks up and grabs his tushy, startling poor Ryan, and he whips around and sees that his worst nightmare is a cakewalk compared to the hippopotamus currently in his dance space. Claire says he looks sexy in his kitchen whites. She loves a man in uniform. Claire grabs him and kisses him right there in the kitchen, in a prison, and Ryan struggles, breaks away, sputtering, "Not here. NOT now, I told you this is fucking crazy!" "What, O'Reily, you got a headache?" Ryan threatens to go to the warden. She reminds him that they aren't through till she says they're through, and maybe she'll have to find someone elsesomeone just as handsomelike, oh, I don't knowCyril? Right on cue, Cyril walks by carrying something while staring up at the pretty, pretty ceiling. Ryan balks and agrees to get Claire's groove on. Claire induces vomiting by suggesting that Ryan play the "little Dutch boy," and that's as far as I'll go because I need this alcohol to stay down if I'm going to recap this dreck. Off they go to play little Dutch boy, although Ryan looks like Little Boy Blue. And Claire looks like she's got Chewbacca's paw on her head. Cyril watches them as they exit. We then cut to him on the payphone talking to "Aunt Brenda." Yes, the candy came. He especially liked the chocolate. This fascinating conversation is halted by an inmate, in combat-chic, banging on the wall and shouting for the "tard" to get off the phone. Combat Boy finally walks in and presses the connection tab. Cyril looks at him and smashes the phone on his hand, which is still on the phone, then takes him to the ground and beats the crap out of him. Murphy comes running in and pulls Cyril back while Cyril screams and gets his hair in his mouth. We then see Cyril being wheeled on a gurney into the infirmary of forbidden passion as Gloria attempts to sedate him. Cyril reaches up with one arm and tries to choke her until a hack hits him with his nightstick. We then cut to McManus saying to Gloria that Cyril is becoming increasingly erratic and suggests a transfer out of Oswald. He then cuts to more pressing matters by asking her about the rain check for dinner. As Gloria fights to keep her skin from crawling right off her body, she says she has a prior engagement, a work one. It's going to go late. McManus: "Tomorrow?" Gloria: "Maybe." She exits, thinking that monkeys might fly out of her butt, too. Is that sexual harassment?
Back in the infirmary -- Gloria's office, to be exact -- Ryan is venting about time, how much time gets wasted, how much time one has left. She just stares back at him throughout the scene. He sits on the stool opposite her and pleads that she has to help him and Cyril get out. He asks her to "make him old." I feel like I'm getting old as I'm typing this.
McManus is yelling at Gloria in front of a juice machine that Ryan is not a viable candidate for the drug testing. "Why not?" "Because he's NOT eligible for parole, he's in for life." Gloria spits that she can petition the Commissioner to make an exception, and if he's going to listen to anyone about the O'Reily brothers, it's going to be her. McManus: "Why do you want to help him?" Gloria: "Humanitarian reasons." McManus says that "humanitarian and Ryan don't go in the same sentence." Gloria just yells, "Sometimes you are SO blind!" Well. That explains his wardrobe. McManus tell her he will do everything in his power to stop her and shut the whole operation down if she does this. They both stomp out while Murphy, who was sitting at the table the whole time, just sort of sits there with his mouth open.
With no preamble, we see Gloria in front of the ten chosen inmates for the drug testing. Ryan and Cyril are two of them. And no, we won't learn how or why they got to be there. She explains that five of them will get a real pill while the other five get a placebo. McManus fumes in the background while this music plays that sounds like air slowly being let out of a balloon. I'm not kidding. I hit rewind a bunch. It really does. By the way, volunteers also include Beecher and Robson. As for who gets what, there's just no guessing, folks. I know I'm stumped. Now, who do you think might get a real one and who will get the placebo? Gosh, I sure hope Ryan and Cyril both get the harmless stuffhang on, I just gotta grab the phone
Hill says his Uncle Bilbo always said that revenge is a dish best served cold. Hill is just the chairman of metaphoric blather. And who the hell names their kid Bilbo?
Basketball court. Enter Rick Fox, toting a basketball. He's yummy. Makes you wanna sop him up with a biscuit! He also went to Chapel Hill at the same time as my sister. He once threw up all over her boyfriend, who is now her husband, at a frat party. Isn't that a beautiful story? He spies Hill: "Augustus Hill -- how you doin', brother?" Hill gives him the brush-off, and Fox says he remembers when he first came to Oz, he was Hill's hero. Cue the flashback of relevance as we see Hill, with much shorter hair, yapping to a bandanna-wearing Fox about his basketball career while Fox smokes out underneath the staircase of invisibility. Back to the present, and Hill says he was nave then. "Back then, I thought you were as good a person as a basketball player." Um, [sic]? I know it's no use. This is the show that ate proper grammar and picked its teeth with correct sentence structure. Anyway, Fox protests that during the riots in Oz, he tried to "step up and help"; in return he got an ass-whooping and a transfer. Hill, over his violin: "Whatever." Fox says he'll be up for parole soon anyway and Hill will still be rotting there. He throws the basketball he's holding right at Hill.