Conversions

Hill: "Every person on the planet was raised to believe some version of the truth. This is called religion." Can you sayreligion? I knew you could. Betsy the cow can moo. Can you moo too? "If these beliefs break down, we convert. Now, that conversion can be traumatic." Yeah, your skin, like, breaks out and stuff.

McManus, who obviously rented Evita the night before, addresses the inmates on the stair landing from the second level. Murphy stands to him, his mouth set firmly in place. McManus announces that from now on, in his ongoing effort to improve the quality of their lives, they will show an instructional video for one half hour of TV time. Oh, and attendance is mandatory. The crowd erupts with displeasure. Murphy, much like the WB frog back when he was in Bugs Bunny cartoons, changes from lifeless to "I wanna hear silence!" then, without a beat, slips directly back to stoic. McManus ain't through. He's gonna fix stuff! He's in charge! He unveils a cage where, from that fateful day forward, they will be sent instead of to the hole. It's like Boxing Helena, except nobody gets their arms or legs cut off and Julian Sands isn't there. The plan is to confine them in full view of their adoring public. That ought to teach them to behave. The cage in question looks like the kind they put divers, or people on Road Rules, in to photograph sharks. I've never understood that myself. I prefer staying on land where I'm in charge. Keller takes the opportunity to shoot his mouth off: "Mr. McManus, sir! How big is your penis again?" McManus -- memories of teenage ridicule involving girlfriends' laughter while extending pinky fingers as visual clarifications of the source of their dissatisfaction, running through his mind like electric shocks -- grins, disguising his pleasure at what he believes to be Keller noticing the result of his Swiss penis enlarger and inflatable codpiece, and bans him to the cage. Keller enters the cage to learn the error of his ways, while McManus announces that the first video is about to start. Said video looks like a home video about building a house. Got-to-have-a-strong-foundation-cakes.

While they do that, we go to solitary as Omar White is being released. He passes by Supreme Allah, who looks on from his tiny little window and says, "You tell them I'm coming backSupreme will be back. Coming back strong!" And if he comes back in thirty minutes or less, he's piping hot. White kind of nods as he's led out. White isn't the sharpest tack.

, in McManus's office, we see White tuning out while Tim paces back and forth, delivering his speech about second chances, blah blah, one more time and it's back in solitary, sha na na na, Omar agrees solemnly. We cut to Omar doing drugs with Poet under the stairs, which seem to offer a mythological cloak of invisibility as long as prisoners remain underneath them. Or maybe I've seen Clash of the Titans too many times. White muses about being called a drug abuser and having to go to rehab. Poet tells him rehab is pretty cool since he gets to talk about himself a lot.

We slide on over to the last of TV time; the guys watch the news and learn that Alvarez has been captured and will be returning to Oswald. Morales's squinty friend says he'll kill Alvarez when he gets back. Morales asks why. "The motherfucker tried to kill me." Morales: "Yeah? Well, you tried to kill him, or did I get the story wrong?" Squinty regards him. Morales: "Let it go, Chico." Morales is always such a cool cat.

Alvarez is in a holding cell, telling Glynn how he almost made it to freedom and mentioning every geographical location that he can possibly say with an accent. Glynn orders the guard to take Alvarez to solitary since he doesn't know where any of those places are. We see Alvarez walked by Supreme, who says "hi" when they pass. When did he become so friendly? Once inside, Alvarez checks out his tiny gray digs; we pan around, and it's about the size of my apartment, minus the Ikea accents and cats. He leans his head back, thinking that the taste of freedom agreed with him so much more.

Cut to kitchen, where Squinty McSubplot tells Omar to put something in Miguel's food. He'll give Omar all the drugs he needs. Omar refuses: "I don't like you, man, I can't put my finger on it, maybe it's the way you look, you smell, something about you rubs me the wrong way." Squinty lazy-eyes, "You don't like me?" Leans in for emphasis: "Well, fuck you." He added a racial slur at the end, but y'all remember I won't recap those. Omar takes this in as he turns to the table in front of him, grabs a knife, and lunges at Squinty, sticking him somewhere in the middle, so I can't tell if it's a fatal stab. I highly doubt it. Squinty falls to the floor, bleeding, while the guards enter to take Omar right back to solitary. Just like Sars said last week -- no guards until a fight breaks out. Huh. Interesting. Stairs are safe, kitchen is too. Just don't fight. Got it. We see Omar being led back to solitary. He passes Supreme. "You back?" Omar: "Uh huh." Supreme: "Fuck, that's gotta be some kinda record!" Omar passes Alvarez: "You Alvarez?" "Yeah." "You OWE me, dawg." Alvarez knits his brow, probably wondering who could possibly be mad at him already.

For the love of all things holy! We are treated to a most unholy flashback of Ryan and Claire as they get all vertical against the bathroom sink. You all remember -- the one where he asks her if she'd do anything; she confirms that, yes, she would; America vomits simultaneously. Basically, a big ew. Turns out that flashback was brought to us by Ryan telling Keller, during one of their famous chess games, that he did the deed with the malevolent toad. Keller: "You fucked Howell?" Ryan confirms with a sly half smirk. Keller, containing his urge to run vomiting into the showers, turn them up to "scald," and sink to the floor in a heap of helpless sobs, says, "You don't just drop a nugget like that without a few details." Well, he's "dropped" his nugget in worse places. Keller's question here being"Why?" Ryan: "We had sex maybe, five times, in the ladies toilet -- she got weird." "What do you mean weird? Like, possessive weird?" "Yeah." Keller asks him point-blank if he did it for the sex, or for another, more shady reason. Beecher walks by to insert the requisite smoldering look of smirk as Ryan smoothly lies that he did it for the sex. We pan down to the metaphoric game of chess just as Ryan says, "Check."

Ryan, walking down a dark hallway of set-up through what looks like Unit B, and we see Claire coming towards him. An embittered smile slithers across her face before getting lost in the folds of her jowls. Claire bumps into him as he passes and yells, "Don't fucking wink at me!" "That bastard is winking at me!" "Take him to the hole!" Yay! Naked Ryan coming up! Ryan curses her amphibian evil and is taken away. We see him lying on the filthy floor of the hole, whistling, as Claire opens the tiny window thing and looks in. Ryan sees her and snaps to his feet, bending over to shade his goods. What a gyp! Claire enters, hissing, "Ryanmiss me?" She advances upon him, slams him against the wall, and begins the forceful, unnatural act that would only make sense if it were me, not her, and in a cleaner environment. Ryan looks kind of sickened as she smashes his face around with her pudgy paw while kissing his neck. Now I need a hot shower. Why is he in the hole, anyway? I thought the cage was the new way to go.

Dr. Gloria enters the infirmary while various random staffers greet her, welcoming her back. She has a shorter haircut that is supposed to make her look refreshed and healed, wiser. It just looksshorter. Sister Pete is putting flowers in a Mason jar in Dr. Nathan's office when Gloria enters. Sister Pete schmoops that she wanted to put them on Gloria's desk before she got there. Something easily solved by, I don't know, doing it earlier? DG is touched and hugs her. She feels fresh and renewed, y'all! Pete says they'll go over cases and catch up. Then we see the result of Omar's stabbing enter the infirmary. No time for love, Dr. Jones! No time to reflect! Get in there! Cut to Sister Pete and DG, along with special guest star Tim McManus, as they review various cases: first up, Cyril O'Reily. As they discuss Cyril and how he kicked Jack Eldridge's ass last week, Pete offers that his condition is only getting worse. Dr. Nathan wants to examine him. The meeting ends, and Tim oils up and asks Gloria to dinner. She says no, butrain check? He tries to confirm by saying, "I only mean dinner." Gloria: "I know." Run, Gloria! Ruuuuuuuuuuuuun!

We cut to Dr. Nathan examining Cyril. He asks where she's been. Dr. Nathan: "I took some time off." He asks, "After you got raped?" "Yeah." Cyril sadly says, "I wish I could've." "What?" "Taken a vacationafter I got raped." Way to bring down a girl's first day back, Cyril. Dr. Nathan regards him thoughtfully and sympathetically. He continues, "It was okay, though, I had Ryan to help me. I wish I could help him, though, he's sick." Yeah, Cyril, we know. Cut to Ryan in the kitchen. He retches and coughs on the food so we'll all understand that he's feeling under the weather. In case we didn't get it. Pancamo tells him to cut it out or he'll get everyone in Oz sick. Yeah, like, cover your mouth, Ryan! Ryan says he's fine and is no longer contagiousjust as he spots Dr. Nathan. They exchange a long look as he re-thinks his statement and decides to go to the infirmary. While I go fetch some crackers to go with the quality of this development, Gloria walks away. Coy, Gloria, play it coy.