Hill babbles something utterly nonsensical about making your bed and lying in it. His ultimate point is that we should be responsible for our actions. Yeah, I hope you're going to have to answer for these monologues someday, Augie.
Gym. Schillinger and Said confer quietly, much to the consternation of their respective followers. It would be funny if they were just gossiping. "Did you see D'Agnasti? Guy seriously needs to cut out the carbs, don't you think?" In the cafeteria, Said placates his men with this: "Like it or not, that man is a child of God. Now I have made a commitment to Allah to defend the rights of all prisoners inside of Oz, not just the ones of color. Not just the ones who believe what we believe or who pray as we pray." In much the same spirit, Schillinger informs his crew, "That nigger's gonna get me out of here." And just when you thought these two were going to sit down and sing "Ebony and Ivory" to each other. I would have enjoyed that.
In Glynn's office, the prosecutor who opposed Said at Hill's hearing -- whom I'm just going to refer to as Neil from My So-Called Life (thanks to michelec, I think, for refreshing my memory on that one) -- has dropped the bomb that Said is representing Schillinger. Glynn is flabbergasted, and McManus snarks that Nostradamus predicted this as a sign of the apocalypse. Sorry, Tim, but if the world can survive seeing your bald head popping out from between Diane's thighs, I think it'll live through this. Neil expresses his fear that since this will be a jury trial, Said, charismatic speaker that he is, will have a better chance. Diane asks what will happen, and Neil tells her that she and McManus will have to give new depositions detailing how they trapped Schillinger, and also that Scott Ross is bound to come up again. Good Lord, he resurfaces more often than Brittany Murphy's meals. Can we please move on already? At the mention of Ross, Diane and McManus exchange a wary look. Cut to the hallway, where McManus is belaboredly whining about being questioned about Ross again. Diane doesn't see the problem. McManus pissily asks if she wants him to perjure himself. Diane: "Tim, what I want and what you do are usually not even close." Diane, I need a Diet Coke -- you want to take over for a minute? McManus starts to protest again, but Diane won't have it: "Can we just cut the shit? You are going to say you have a conscience, right? A moral code. Some seepage in your cerebral cortex, and I am gonna say, lie. If you love me, if you ever loved me, then lie." Thanks, Diane, and I'm totally stealing that "cerebral cortex" line. McManus just gives her a "smell the fart" look, which is appropriate given the usual level of bullshit he spouts. And since I owe Diane a favor here, might I point out, again, that you might possible cover for her out of gratitude for saving your fucking life? It's not like I ever learned multivariable calculus or anything, but the math here doesn't really seem that hard.
Said questions Diane. Interspersed through this scene are snippets of a flashback to the conversation with Schillinger that Diane surreptitiously taped. Said brings up their conversation prior to the one that was recorded, and asks if it's true that Diane was the one that approached Schillinger and asked how much he'd pay her to kill Beecher. Diane coolly denies that, noting that it would qualify as entrapment. Someone's been a good girl and done all her homework. Said asks if Schillinger offered Diane anything else. Wow, Said's eyes are asymmetrical in this scene. Now I'm just visualizing a Picasso-like painting of Said's face. And I have no idea where to put the little cap. Sigh. Diane says that Schillinger threatened to tell people that she killed Ross, but that didn't affect her decision to trap him, because it's not true. Diane's face fades into McManus's. Said asks him if Diane is trustworthy. McManus says yes, but does concede that she's lied to him in the past. Tim, if you fuck this one up, I will make it my life's ambition to invent a device making it possible for me to reach through the TV and strangle you. You have been warned. What follows is a game of verbal cat-and-mouse in which McManus rephrases Said's question so that he doesn't have to lie. Said isn't having it, though, and eventually asks, "To the best of your knowledge, did Diane Whittlesey shoot Scott Ross with the intention of ending his life?" McManus pauses long enough for me to do a bit of patent-law research, but before I actually turn out a prototype, he answers, "No." Well, there goes my invention. I was really looking forward to using it on Jay Leno, too.
Said meets Schillinger in the library, with Adebisi in the background, rocking out to music from his headphones. Said flatly informs Schillinger that they have no case, as the state has everything it needs and more. Schillinger thinks there must be some technicality, and asks about Diane shooting Ross. Said says that it's only his word against theirs, and that Schillinger will be convicted and sentenced to ten more years. Adebisi pipes up, "They got you, baby." Hee. Said piles on more bad news by announcing that he's withdrawing from the case. Schillinger accuses Said of planning this withdrawal from the beginning in order to make things worse. Said counters that things couldn't be worse, and with a smirk, he says that he wasn't sure before, but now he knows that Schillinger is guilty. Interesting -- I think Said knows that McManus was lying, but it seems that he doesn't care now that he's convinced of Schillinger's guilt. Schillinger impotently declares that Said used him, but Said says they're even in that regard, and leaves. Adebisi needles Schillinger some more. Hee. I wish there were some way I could write my recaps in Adebisi's accent -- it's delightfully snarky.
Hill babbles about beds and Shakespeare and Anne Hathaway and, to quote Apu, I CAN'T BELIEVE YOU DON'T SHUT UP! We see Diane and McManus exchange an ambiguous look. Cut to Shirley, who's making tea in her cell when she sees Diane in the mirror and says a friendly hello. Diane asks if she needs something, and Shirley says that she needs a friend. Shirley, you obviously haven't been to our boards. Diane says it won't be her. Shirley: "Of course. I'm a convicted murderer; you're not." I love the ambiguity of that line -- while it's possible Shirley's just making an innocent observation, it's just as likely that she's heard about Diane killing Ross and is making a very pointed comment here. Diane walks right up to the bars and asks if Shirley sleeps at night, and upon hearing an affirmative, asks how that's possible, given what she did. Shirley calmly tells Diane that she tells people that her daughter's death was an accident, but it wasn't. "It was what had to happen. It was what had to be. And so I sleep. I sleep good." She puts her hand on Diane's, and Diane doesn't pull away, and now I think it's quite clear that Shirley does know, and is offering Diane a kind of comfort. Excellent scene. Diane leaves, and another hack brings Shirley lunch. She warmly thanks him. Cut to her picking up her sandwich to find a note underneath. She opens it to see it reads, "I LOVE YOU." How did Djb get access to her lunch tray? She holds the note to her heart, then, with a smile, writes back, "I LOVE YOU TOO XOXO." Aw. Murderers in love! The note gets delivered to Adebisi, who smiles, kisses it, and puts in under his hat for safekeeping. Move over, Bonnie and Clyde. In fact, why not pull out all the stops and make Natural Born Killers 2 with these two? I'm putting ten bucks aside for when it happens.
In his office, Glynn, who happened to be watching Adebisi through his window, turns to Burruano, who says that Schibetta ingested the rat poison that they use in the cafeteria. He goes on that Schibetta said he was eating a chocolate bar Adebisi gave him, but McManus thinks that doesn't mean anything. Oy. I'm not a big fan of Schibetta's, but a little effort to uncover the truth seems appropriate. I suppose as long as McManus doesn't have to lie about it, he doesn't care. Jerk. Glynn lamely tells Burruano to keep investigating, but not to hold his breath. Incompetence, thy name is Glynn.
Burruano comes to see Schibetta, who's preparing to leave the infirmary. Burruano tells him that Glynn isn't going to do anything about Adebisi, and Schibetta says he'll handle it himself. Burruano informs him that "the family" is embarrassed, and that they're unhappy with the way he's running things. He makes the rather specious argument that since his father got fed ground glass over the course of months (if by "months," you mean "days") it proves that his enemies respected him, or something. I think if his insides were slowly torn up over months, he should have checked his goddamned food, but I'm not Sicilian, so I probably don't understand the nuances of being a don. Also, as I said, it was days, not months. Schibetta sounds like he's going to cry, but says he'll get his honor back, and by the end of the day, either he or Adebisi will be dead. You, your anal virginity -- what's the difference?
We get a shot of Poet on Oz TV, looking like he's accepting some sort of award. Whatever. Schibetta returns to Em City, and Ryan snarks that the lunch special is arsenic. Schibetta looks up, and sees Adebisi smiling and dancing on the balcony. Cut to Schibetta in bed, tossing and turning. It's not going to get any easier for you to sleep for a while, Petey. Morning. The kitchen crew enters the cafeteria. Adebisi goes into the supply closet, while Wangler and the others go through a door. Suddenly, Pancamo appears. Adebisi says he doesn't work there anymore, but Pancamo says he has a job to do. A different camera angle shows that Schibetta is now behind Adebisi. He says that it's payday, which coming from someone smarter would be a very clever play on the chocolate bar incident, but in Schibetta's case is just Napoleonic bluster. Schibetta closes the door to the closet; the hack present runs away, clearly having been paid off, and the fight is on. Adebisi picks up a wrench and manages to hit Pancamo in the shoulder before Schibetta gets him in a nelson, but Adebisi slams Schibetta into the door, elbows him in the gut, and head-butts him, leaving him pretty much down for the count. Pancamo recovers to grab Adebisi, but in the ensuing melee Adebisi bites him, and in this case, he's not doing it out of love. Pancamo screams in pain, allowing Adebisi to pick up a metal can and clock Pancamo repeatedly until he's still. Adebisi spits on him, smiles, and puts on his headphones. He grabs Schibetta, who's apparently half-conscious, clears off a table, and throws him on top of it. Adebisi then pulls down Schibetta's pants, and with a "Payday, baby," starts going to town. Schibetta screams, and I don't blame him, considering that the way Adebisi is working his hips takes "bump and grind" to a whole new level. And I might note that this whole chain of events was put into action by the consumption of a candy bar. No wonder they couldn't sell that product placement -- I'm betting "Snickers really satisfies your desire to take it up the ass" didn't go over too big with the focus groups.
Okay, sidebar: What the hell kind of bullshit plan was that? Pancamo and Schibetta, without weapons of any kind, take on Adebisi in a tight area filled with implements that Adebisi is certain to be able to grab to defend himself? Plus, how did they know that Wangler and the others wouldn't return to help Adebisi? And what was with Pancamo giving away the element of surprise -- did he really think that Adebisi was so overmatched that it didn't matter? I mean, I know Schibetta's kind of dim, and the steroids may have affected Chuckie's cognitive capacities, but this was one of the worst plans I've ever seen on this show, and that's saying a lot.
Pancamo gets wheeled into the infirmary, still unconscious, as Schibetta lies to him, awake but eyes closed. Yeah, a lot of people aren't happy with their first experience, but this one does seem particularly bad. In the doorway, Burruano tells Glynn that Schibetta's rectum was bleeding. Well, that's a new twist on "ridden hard and put away wet." Apparently, Schibetta's claiming not to remember what happened. Glynn: "He knows. He's too ashamed to admit he took one up the ass." Glynn, you may not actually do anything as the warden, but I couldn't have said it better myself. Immediately trying to prove me wrong, Glynn says he's going to fire the hack that let this happen. You go, girlfriend. Once Glynn's gone, Burruano approaches Schibetta and tells him the family has decided that someone with less experience with anal sex will be taking over operations in Oz. Schibetta nods, but asks Burruano not to tell his father. Oh, he saw the whole thing from above, Petey, and believe me, he's not going to be able to look Adebisi's dad in the eye for a while. Burruano pats Schibetta's arm as he notes the marbles falling out of his ear.
In the main area, Alvarez is gleefully telling Guerra about Schibetta's mental state. When he sees Adebisi, he pops up to be all buddy-buddy, but Adebisi completely blows him off, saying he didn't do anything to help with the Schibetta situation, and considering that Alvarez probably had plenty of opportunity to kill him in the infirmary, I see his point. Alvarez's face falls faster than an overcooked soufflé. Guerra asks how Alvarez can let Adebisi keep disrespecting him, and I have to say I see his point as well. Oh, Miguel, your looks only get you so far with me. Specifically, they get you to Season Two, Episode 6. In the gym, Guerra gets into it with some Aryan or biker, who punches him. Guerra goes all glass-eyed, which is nice, since the guy clocked him but good. In the cafeteria, Guerra says he wants to kill the guy. Tip of the day: Bring a weapon. Alvarez says he won't, but Guerra asks what it will take for them to go to war. Alvarez looks unhappy.
By way of an answer, we're in a prisoner flashback. It's El Cid. Oh, yeah. In a vacant lot, he finishes a cigarette as two of his henchmen hold another guy prisoner. El Cid picks up a long wooden pole and runs the guy through. Yeah -- three guys and a weapon against one is the way to do it. Preparation's the key, or it'll be Preparation H. (And to quote Miss Alli, [THUNK.]) "Prisoner Number 98H498, Raoul Hernandez, a.k.a. El Cid." Murder two, 36 years, parole in 20. Hernandez gets Alvarez as his sponsor. Alvarez says it's an honor, but Hernandez tells him he's too white to be Latino, and to get out of his face. Hey Migs, did AOL Time Warner take you over? Inside, El Cid greets the other Latinos, one of whom, I feel obligated to point out, is every bit as pale as Alvarez. Alvarez looks on, concerned.
Hill, Lincoln, Jesse James. That's all I could retain.
Night. Rebadow keeps watch as Busmalis digs. Busmalis almost hits a water pipe, and Rebadow says he's having second thoughts about what they're doing. Well, it's not like you can fill the hole back in, so just suck it up, Pops. This conversation gives way to Busmalis telling Rebadow that he thinks of every hole he digs as a woman, a "very special" woman, and that he never married because he couldn't find a woman that could satisfy him in the same way. The psychological issues that statement exposes, combined with the imagery it brings to mind, threaten to cause some serious seepage in my cerebral cortex, so I'll limit my observations to this one: Before you conclude that a hole is more satisfying than a woman, you might, you know, try having sex. Just do it far, far away from a TV camera.
And now we're in another prisoner flashback, as LL Cool J, in a bright red pimp outfit, plays poker with three other sketchy-looking guys. He's got four aces and a king. Dude, way to cheat inconspicuously. I imagine that if he took the SAT, he got in the neighborhood of 1600. Although, now that I think of it, the fact that everyone else at the table was in for the call makes me think that he might not have been the only crooked player. Okay, it's possible I'm overthinking the show now, but someone has to, right? Lord knows the writers don't. Anyway, the deception is discovered, guns are drawn, and LL gets the drop on the other guy. I'm still not sure how he made it out alive, but whatever. "Prisoner Number 98W504. Jiggy Walker." Murder two, 28 years, parole in 20. They're doing this thing in this episode where Hill announces this information over a still shot of the crime. I can't think of any reason for this other than it being a stylized affectation, so it's irritating.
Walker gets Rebadow as his sponsor. If LL teaches Rebadow to rock the mike, I am out of here. ["Oh, I think Rebadoze busting out 'Momma Said Knock You Out' in the cafeteria would do a lot for his character." -- Sars] Walker tells Rebadow that he's in prison because he knows too much about the Pernicious Peewee, which makes me happy, because the PP is a worthy antagonist. Rebadow asks what he knows, and Walker tells him he's a crack addict. Rebadow asks how he knows that. Walker: "How you think, bitch?" Hee. I like hearing Rebadow referred to as a bitch, although if anyone demands, "Say my name!" of him, again, I'm out of here. Walker says he's "the governor's drug dealer of choice."
Rebadow dishes to Said as, below, Walker plays poker with Keller, Ryan, and Beecher. Walker shows four aces, again, but Keller says he's got an ace. Whoops. Before anything happens, however, Said appears and asks Walker for a word. Upstairs, Said and Walker pedeconference as Said says that he wants the information about the PP's drug use to go public. Walker asks what's in it for him, but Said tells him that he'll use his media connections to make Walker famous, and if they get rid of the PP, he'll have a good chance to go free. This all just seems kind of silly, but I suppose I should expect more and more of that. Walker agrees to Said's plan, and Said says he'll need dates and times of the drug transactions. Walker says he didn't keep records, but he has a cousin who can corroborate his story. Said tells him to prepare to do a lot of interviews. Are you getting the feeling that this subplot is full of sound and fury?
Staff meeting. Everyone crows about the scandal. Glynn says that the PP wants Walker to give interviews, and that he wants "full disclosure." And there's another mental image I didn't need ricocheting around my skull. McManus is floored: "Well, I'll be fucked." Hey, when does Officer Claire show up?
On Oz TV, the PP denies Walker's allegations, saying they're just the latest in a long line of accusations perpetrated by a scandal-hungry press, and adds that he's going to Oz to confront Walker. McManus congratulates Said on his coup. Is the enemy of my enemy my friend? Not in this case, I'd guess.
The PP holds court in the cafeteria. He distributes copies of his mandatory drug tests, which show that he's clean. He then asks for Walker to be brought in. Walker enters in shackles and jumpsuit, and I have to say, LL's acting technique of All Smirk, All The Time is making me long for the days of Rick Fox, and that's not a compliment. The PP mentions one of the dates on which Walker accused him of buying drugs, and produces documentation that he was at the White House at that time. Walker tries to say that it must have been one of his aides, but the aide he names was with the PP. Whoops, again. For someone who gets four aces every hand in poker, this guy isn't all that lucky. The PP also informs Walker that his cousin denied any knowledge of the alleged drug transactions, and soon, though his smirk remains as insouciant as ever, Walker admits that he lied. The ensuing pearl-clutching is hilarious. Why didn't the female reporters swoon dead away? A drug dealer and convicted felon shined one on. I've gotten bigger shocks from petting Sars's cats in dry weather.
In a classroom, Said tells Walker he doesn't understand why he lied. Simple: He did it to make a name for himself. It's called, doubly ironically in this particular situation, "street cred." I think you might have heard of it. McManus asks why, then, he went public, but he says that was all Said's doing, and if there was a chance he could end up getting out, it was worth a shot. Actually, I'd guess that his rep will suffer a lot for having been found out, but since he's probably not going to reappear after this episode, I'm not going to dwell on it. Walker tells a sob story about not having any visitors the last time he was in prison. Yeah, way to be a tough guy. Sheesh. Said leaves without a word, and Walker notes that he's "a little hostile." Shout-out? McManus tells him he's going to Gen Pop. Why not send him to England?
Glynn's office. The PP is just finishing up what seems like a congratulatory phone call from the President. He hangs up, and gloats to Glynn that it's been a good day. Glynn chuckles somewhat mirthlessly and asks the PP if he set the whole Walker thing up to make himself look better. The PP grins and says no, he merely took advantage of the situation. I actually believe him here -- his grin, to me, was a tacit acknowledgement that he would do something like that, but didn't in this particular case. He lights a cigarette as he says that he's been accused of so many things over the past year, but now that he's proved one of them false, it tinges all the others with doubt. One would hope that the other accusations came from people with a little more credibility than Walker, but I wouldn't stake anything important on it. The PP goes to leave, but then tosses his pack of cigarettes to Glynn and tells him to give them to Walker. "I owe him." Cut to Walker, looking a bit lost in Gen Pop. Hey, the smirk's gone! Gen Pop really must be no laughing matter.
Solitary. Giles. Outside his cell, Pete tells Glynn that Giles saw who killed her husband, but all he'll say now is "Aim." You know, when they spoon-feed me the AOL jokes, it's not as much fun. Glynn asks what's , and Pete says she's going to talk to Hill, as before Em City opened, he was in the cell right to Giles. Let's wrap this subplot up already, Sister Peter Marple -- we've got some gay sex to see. The consensual kind, that is. Cut to Pete asking Hill if Giles ever said anything about his life on the outside. Hill says that he tuned him out, because Giles went "on and on." Wow. I wish there were some cool internet way to express incoherent spluttering, because that's what I'm doing after that statement. I mean -- you are -- just -- I can't -- WHAT? Oy. Aren't you glad your recapper is so articulate? Pete asks about the day Giles killed his roommate, Ron Beebe. Flashback. Beebe tries to take some of Giles's very generically packaged toothpaste when Giles enters and catches him. Beebe punches him in the face. I bet Tom Fontana wears glasses, because the penalty for hitting a guy who wears them is death, as Giles stabs Beebe with a shank that looks like it was made from a toothbrush, which is pretty cool. Certainly a new way to fend off the Cavity Creeps. Hill says that he remembers that Giles was very conscientious about his teeth. Having a thought, Pete asks what brand he used. Hill: "Same as mine. Aim." Wow. Do they even make that anymore? And if they do, could they really afford product placement?
Pete tells Giles that Beebe killed her husband, and he confirms it. She asks -- strangely unemotionally, given how she acted the last two episodes -- if he can tell her about it. Giles manages to convey that Beebe saw that Giles witnessed the murder. Pete asks if he knows why Beebe killed her husband, but he doesn't. She presses him, but he breaks down crying, and she holds him. Aw. Later, in Glynn's office, Pete has asked him to let Giles out of solitary. He refuses, on the grounds that Giles is still prone to violence. Pete says she'd like to do something special for him. Cut to a hack bringing a box into Giles's cell, saying it's from Pete. From the music playing, you'd think it was full of grenades without the pins, but it's full of toothbrushes and toothpaste. Looks like Pete came in third on Jeopardy or something. Giles is thrilled. She even threw in mouthwash! Nothing says "I care" like Scope. Or maybe it's just that that hug reminded her of the heartbreak of halitosis.
Infirmary. Shirtless Ryan. Nice. Ryan says hello to a kvetchy but amiable doctor. Ryan's hair has grown back to crew length, and he doesn't look like a refugee any more. Now I'll take that full disclosure! He plies the doc for some medicinal marijuana. Doc: "Nice try, kid." The doctor says that this will probably be Ryan's final chemo treatment. Ryan's happy to hear that; then, having held out for all of twenty seconds, he asks how Gloria is. We flash to a man that's ostensibly her husband getting into a car. Cyril pops up in the back seat and wraps a garrote around his neck. As Gloria's husband chokes, Cyril averts his eyes from the rear-view mirror, which is a nice touch. The guy's arm breaks the driver's side window in his death throes. Back in the present, the doc tells Ryan that the funeral is Thursday (no indication of what day it is presently) but that Gloria might be back at work tomorrow. Ryan brazenly tells the doc to give her his best, and the doc warily says he will, as behind him, Ryan's wife Shannon appears. She comes over and starts nuzzling him, but he pushes her off, smiling coldly that she hasn't been to see him lately. She says she's been taking care of Cyril. Ryan says he called his cousin, and he's going to take Cyril. Not for long, Mickey. His words are the equivalent in length and intent to Homer Simpson's famous quote: "Dear Baby. Welcome to Dumpville. Population, you." Ta ta, Shannon.
Gloria gets dressed in the locker room. I assume this is the day. McManus enters and asks her what she's doing there, but she counters that work is all she has at the moment. She goes on that she and "Preston" didn't have the best marriage, but they did really love each other. She sighs, "Why'd he have to die?" Cue the flashback continuation, which consists of Cyril being chased down an alley and arrested by several cops. "Prisoner Number 98P284. Cyril O'Reily." Murder one, life, parole in sixty. In the infirmary, Pete and McManus break the news to Gloria. We don't hear all of it, but Gloria says, "Preston is dead because of me!" Yeah, it's true, and no amount of Aim is going to make that taste go away. Cut to Gloria marching resolutely into Em City with McManus in tow. She enters Ryan's cell, and he tries to hug her. She pushes him away, and struggles to find these words: "I became a doctor to help people. Now I know that that sounds like a cliché, it sounds naïve, but it's true. I could have a fancy practice anywhere, but instead I chose to work in Oz. I saved your life, O'Reily. And in return you destroyed mine." She stares for a moment longer, and walks off. I must say I was extremely pleasantly surprised by that speech -- it had such potential to be maudlin or hysterical, and it's not that either of those would have been completely unjustified, but I much prefer Lauren Velez's emotional but resolute choice here. Excellent job. McManus enters after Gloria has gone and informs him that Cyril confessed, and goes on that although Cyril refused to implicate Ryan in the murder, the cops still want to interrogate Ryan. McManus turns to go, but Ryan calls him back. "You gotta see that I love her, man." You know, when McManus has what I think is good reason to call you pathetic, you're really hitting your low point as a character. McManus asks what he knows about love, and Ryan is all, what do you know, and could we get to the slap fight already? We move downstairs, where Hill blathers some nonsense about beds of roses. Cyril is led into Oz, because murder trials of mentally challenged adults take a day and a half.
Okay, smoke a cigarette, get a glass of wine, and do whatever else you need to do, because this is the chapter you've been waiting for. Beecher has the same nightmare he had in the last episode, and wakes up screaming. Keller pops right up to comfort him, and it's clearly worth noting that Beecher no longer pulls away from his touch. Beecher's completely soaked in sweat, beating out the forum posters by about five minutes. He hops down and sheds his clothes, affording Keller the chance to check out his ass. Keller says they should do something about the swastika. Beecher asks what they can do, and Keller says to let him think on it. He caresses Beecher's face, and then lies down. There's a full-body shot of Keller lying down that's rather designed to cause global warming, and don't think Beecher's immune. Unlike me, of course. Sorry, that was just an experiment to see if I would get struck by lightning. Well, I didn't really like my -door neighbor anyway.
Beecher reports for work in Sister Pete's office. She can tell something's on his mind, and he haltingly asks if two men can love each other to the same degree that a man and a woman can. Pete starts to talk about homosexuality, but Beecher snaps that he's talking about love, not sex, as he had sex with Schillinger, and love didn't enter into it. Oh, come on -- I bet he called you "sweet pea" at least once. Pete asks if he's in love with another man, and Beecher momentarily gets a very schoolgirl grin on his face as he says that he supposes he is. What's the prison equivalent of going steady? Actually, I think Aaron answered that in one of his recaps.
Keller and Beecher whisper to each other during evening count. "You're schmoopy!" "No, you're schmoopy!" Inside, Keller draws on a pad as he tells Beecher that he did some research, and because the swastika was burnt into his flesh, it can't be removed. Beecher's like, duh, but Keller suggests they connect the dots so it's not a swastika any more. Beecher points out the little issue of the blinding pain, but Keller's got the solution, as he produces a bottle of what he says is moonshine. Beecher says thanks, but he's been sober for over a year, and he doesn't want to risk starting to drink again. Keller, playing Beecher like a cheap fiddle, says that he didn't think the plan through, and that's his problem. Beecher tells him that he's cute when he's self-deprecating, and I can hear you all screaming, "JUST DO IT ALREADY!" from across the pond. He asks where Keller got the moonshine, and Keller tells him a friend of his in Unit B rigged up a still. Beecher's face falls all, "Friend? What friend? Is he cuter than me? I'll scratch his eyes out!"
Night. Beecher wakes up again, but Keller's still. Beecher hops down and goes to the sink, but before long, his eyes move to the liquor's hiding place. He opens it, winces at the smell, raises it to his lips, and...puts it back. He hops back into bed, and we se Keller's eyes open. Is it wrong that that sequence made me want a drink?
In the gym, Schillinger is chagrined to hear that Beecher didn't drink the moonshine. Keller says he was close, but Schillinger thinks that's not enough, as the beauty of the plan is that they dig up Beecher's issues until he can't live with himself any more, and the alcohol's the key. Keller coolly says that he, in fact, is the key. Well, better him than Michelle Trachtenberg. Keller says that Beecher loves him, and he'll get him to drink. Then, seeing Beecher enter, he shoves Schillinger and yells at him. Schillinger has to glance Beecher's way before catching on, but he yells back, and leaves. Beecher asks what the problem was, and Keller says he doesn't know, but that he hates Schillinger for what he did to Beecher. Keller, you're smooth as McManus's bald head. The boys get ready for Wrestling 2: Electric Pornaloo. They cut away, but straight to Beecher and Keller in the shower, which, coincidentally enough, is where I suspect the entire forum population will be in approximately seven minutes, with the cold water blasting. Keller is saying that he doesn't understand why Beecher's parents have the last word on whether Beecher gets to see his kids. Beecher says that his parents think it might be too soon, and would do more harm than good, but Keller isn't having that, and says that his kids need their father. Beecher appears to mull it over, but I think Keller had him at "hello." Or at "wrestling."
Cut to the playroom, where Beecher's kids are waiting. His son excitedly yells, "Daddy, Daddy!" and we see that a thankfully clean-shaven Beecher is in the doorway. He holds both kids in a tight embrace as they tell him they miss him, and they're really so adorably cute that it's painful to think what's going to happen to them.
Beecher finds Keller in the laundry room. Keller's got the moonshine with him, and is acting about seventeen sheets to the wind, which makes me think he's totally faking, but whatever. Beecher is concerned, and asks what's wrong. Keller says that he's been married to three different women, one of them twice, which Beecher already knows. Beecher asks why he got married so many times, and Keller says he's old-fashioned. "Before I fuck 'em, I marry 'em." Beecher chuckles, wondering if Vera Wang will deliver to Oz. Keller goes on that after a while, the sex stops being good, and then he realizes that he's got nothing in common with them, so he ends it. Beecher says that he and Genevieve had everything in common, until Oz. Well, you both certainly could have used a good stylist, I'll give you that. Keller softly says that Bonnie, the two-time wife, just got remarried. Beecher nods sympathetically. Keller slurs that he shouldn't care, but he's obviously acting like he does. Beecher tells him to come here, and when Keller laughs, Beecher goes over to him, puts his hands on his shoulders, and tells him he loves him. Keller does a great job of looking like that's just what he wanted to hear. Which it is, but you know what I mean. He also does a great job of looking like he's about to puke, but he tells Beecher he loves him too, and they kiss. It's pretty hot, despite the fact that Meloni is threatening to puncture one of Tergesen's cheeks with his nose. I think he was just trying to act drunk. Anyway, a hack notices their mash session, and when he knocks on the window, Keller throws the moonshine jar and shatters it. A couple hacks come in, and Keller takes a swing at them. They take him away. Beecher looks nonplussed, but that's probably because he just kissed a guy.
In a shot straight out of the credits, a screaming Keller gets thrown twig over berries into the hole. Hey, they should toss Busmalis in there -- he'd really get off on it. Sars, don't get up -- I'll fire myself. ["Take care, now." -- Sars]
Beecher, lost without his Svengali, paces and sweats and flashes back to his kids and to the kiss. He babbles to himself, kisses his reflection, and downs the whole bottle of moonshine -- which, according to Keller, was pure alcohol. This scene was brought to you by the letters N, O, and T.
Hill tells us that our beds are the best friends we have. I hear that -- how do you think I get through these monologues? Thank you and good night!