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A couple days ago I was asked to be on a nationally syndicated radio talk show to chat about the phenomenon of The Osbournes and to dissect its popularity from a sociological point of view. I agreed, but then I went to the dude's website and discovered that he was a Rush Limbaugh-type "Family Values"-preaching never-forget-Waco kind of guy, and I was sure I was walking into a right-wing ambush; I was sure they were going to start talking about how the popularity of the show was a sure sign of the apocalypse. But here's how universally loved The Osbournes is: he just had me describe the show, what I thought the future of reality television was, and then finally dismissed me when I didn't know enough about Alf to satisfy him. In truth, he was a very nice guy, we had a good talk, and he didn't bring politics into it at all, but it struck me how utterly uncontroversial Ozzy's become. He better go shit on the Capitol steps or something real quick to get his street cred back.
Open. Daytime. House. A full-on chef dude is preparing a fancy meal in the kitchen as Sharon picks out clothes for Ozzy; Ozzy sits in his bathrobe having his hair done. They pull old audio of Ozzy shouting that he doesn't like the outfit. That's cheating. The chef finishes preparations as a houseboy lights candles at a table. Ozzy comes down the stairs "dressed up" (meaning he's in his best black clothes with his best sunglasses and gold chains). He sits at his carefully-lit table, the spread in front of him, and tells us that in life when you get old enough to figure things out, you die. He talks about how you can lead a horse to water but you can't make him drink; then we see Ozzy drinking water. Heesorta. Half a hee. "Dinner With Ozzy" is the title. Opening credits.
Poor Pat Boone. I read how he would have given his version of "Crazy Train" for them to use for free, but they never asked him. MTV claims they didn't think he'd give it to them, but I think MTV just hates Pat Boone. Or doesn't know who he is.
Ozzy tries unsuccessfully to spear an orange slice a few times, before finally getting it. Yeah! Ozzy tells us he's been called Ozzy Osbourne for as long as he can remember, but he was born John Michael Osbourne, in Astor, Birmingham. He goes on that he doesn't know what the normal American family is because it's not abnormal the way he livesbecause he lives that way, he reasons.
“ If his kids ask where babies come from, he's not going to say that they came from a box in the garden. (Yeah, the famous Box In The Garden myth of procreation. Actually, the 'box' part is sort of right.) ”
Jack stokes a fire outside as, inside, the stray cat they have staying with them jumps from a box to a hanging mirror; everyone screams. Finally, the cat is on top of another antique mirror as Ozzy yells for everyone to stop screaming. Sharon, holding her Puss (hee -- the cat, dirty), has her hand over her mouth, half-scared, half-laughing. Jack implores Dad not to push the mirror, as it's precarious; Ozzy tells Jack to "calm fucking down, man." Ozzy then pushes the mirror and Sharon asks, "Oh Daddy, please." Ozzy screams that he can't get the cat down if he can't get his hand up there. Sharon says that they have a "tickling stick" (c'mon, Sharon, we don't need to know about your sex life), adding that the mirror is an antique. The poor maid is very scared as she watches. Ozzy climbs up on the table and tries to hit the cat with a duster. Sharon says this is a horrible idea as various people tell Ozzy to stop. Finally, Sharon just starts busting up. Kelly tells Ozzy that the cat is in "attack movement" and everyone screams and freaks out. Ozzy tells the Fam to shut up. Jack hands Ozzy a squeaky toy and tells him it will scare the cat. Ozzy squeaks it a few times and then asks why the fuck is he squeezing a fake newspaper at it. Sharon tells Ozzy the cat is going to fucking get him. Melinda says it's going to kill him as Kelly yells, "It's ruthless!" Jack tells Ozzy to "hit him with this," and Sharon tells him not to. Aimee and Sharon and others laugh and scream as Ozzy and Jack pull the mirror back and shake it. It doesn't fall. Ozzy shakes it again and everyone screams and Ozzy yells, "Stop screaming!" Finally, the cat comes down and runs around the room, and everyone, the maid and Aimee particularly, jump like it's rabid; Sharon laughs hysterically.
Ozzy tells us that his wife Sharon is the leader. He says everyone does what she says. He's the monkey on the piano; Sharon plays the tunes.
Sharon asks Ozzy to taste something. He says no, folding his arms. He doesn't want to taste it. She informs him that he does indeed want to. He asks if it's cyanide. She says it's a "new gum," handing him a Listerine strip. (I guess his breath stinks and this is her way to get him to fix it without telling him.) Ozzy puts it on his tongue all scared. He says it's a stamp and then says that there's nothing there. She asks if he likes it and he says, "It's fucking crap. It disappeared." Ozzy is all mystified by the magic of the Listerine strip. She says that it's supposed to freshen your mouth, and suddenly Ozzy starts screaming that she lied to him, saying it was gum. She wanted him to try it; he walks away, saying it's fucking horrible. "I don't like it," adds Sharon as he walks away. "Thanks a lot," he says.
At the table, Ozzy tells us he lives in Beverly Hills and that it's incredible, based on where he came from. He says his parents did the best they could, that they never went without food -- he stops as a waiter bring him another course; he takes a bite. Ozzy then tells us that his philosophy as a parent is to be "rigorously honest." If his kids ask where babies come from, he's not going to say that they came from a box in the garden. (Yeah, the famous Box In The Garden myth of procreation. Actually, the "box" part is sort of right.)
The End Of The Innocence
“ Man, you couldn't write that line in a sitcom and get away with it; it would be too cheesy and unbelievable, but somehow it works when Ozzy says it. ”
Cut to Jack's room. The folks in there are watching TV with Jack for some reason. Sharon snuggles up to Ozzy and they kiss as Jack gets all pissed and bratty. "Stop it!" he yells, warning that he'll kick them out. Ozzy asks what's the matter as the freaky little lapdog starts making out with Ozzy and Sharon. Ozzy mutters between nasty dog kisses that it's love between all creatures and people.
Ozzy now tells us that there were lots of secrets in his family growing up, that he'd say, "What happened to Uncle Bill?" and they'd say, "Who? We never had an Uncle Bill." He says that people would just disappear. Man, it sounds like he lived in the mob, not working-class England. Ozzy goes on that in his family now, if there's something that's got to be said, it's said.
Kitchen. Ozzy and Kelly peeling vegetables. Ozzy says he used to have to peel potatoes in jail. Melinda didn't know Ozzy was in jail; he was in for stealing. Ozzy says that he was thirty-two. Kelly then gleefully adds that he went to jail also for trying to kill Mom. Ozzy corrects that he was not arrested, but held in remand for trying to kill Mom. Melinda doesn't believe him. Oh, Melinda. You should know better than to doubt anything with these people. Oh, and hey, Dan Quayle. Did you know Ozzy tried to kill his wife before you pointed him out as a great Family Values person? Didn't think so, potatoe-head.
Ozzy camera-talks that his lifestyle has not hindered his ability to be a father because he's not like the delivery boy who wrote his songs in the back of the kitchen. Huh? He realizes he's making no sense, and just explains that he means he used to take the kids on tour with him. Ah.
Now Sharon reads that they've been invited on a two-week cruise, and Jack says he's going but Kelly won't go. She doesn't think you can shit on a boat, just like you can't shit on a airplane and a tour bus. (That's one thing I can't understand -- how we can go to the fucking moon, land on Mars, split the atom, but we can't figure out how to let poor rock bands go number two on their tour buses.) The Fam all yells that you can too shit on an airplane; Jack mocks that they're going to go two weeks on a boat without shitting. Jack then sees his Great Love Dill and asks if he wants to go on a sea cruise with him. (Ooh wee. Ooh wee, baby.) Sharon adds that only if he doesn't take a shit on the boat. Dill is confused, as usual.
Ozzy eats, telling us that with music, he always wanted to do something that made his parents proud of him. He says that he's "incredibly dyslexic." He says that he also hasumum. Ozzy suddenly just stops. He finally says, "My attention span is very short, what do you call that?" Hee. He reaches for his Diet Coke In A Wine Glass. "Whatever," he adds. Man, you couldn't write that line in a sitcom and get away with it; it would be too cheesy and unbelievable, but somehow it works when Ozzy says it.