Deck The Hells

I'll tell you, I don't blame any of the Osbournes' earlier chaos on them; I just moved, and it's a bitch. And we're having to get used to all the same sort of things the Fam did, except there is no pool to fill, it's hard to fight over bedrooms when there are only two, and we don't have to throw ham at the neighbors. Yet.

New York. The Peninsula Hotel. The Fam is packing up; well, Sharon is packing up and Jack and Ozzy are standing around. Sharon describes how one of their eleven tour truck drivers got into an accident yesterday. Ozzy immediately guesses that the driver was drunk or stoned. Sharon says, "Getting a blowjob from a hooker while he was driving the cab." Ozzy deadpans, "Ah. That'll do it." (Like, he's probably done it three or four times.) Jack goes, "Yea!" while Sharon goes on that the driver was naked when the cops came. Ozzy is not that amused. Sharon continues that when the ambulance came he was totally naked in the middle of winter in Connecticut. Lord, it's hard to find good help these days.

Opening credits.

"A Very Ozzy Christmas" is the first segment. Shot of Manhattan at night. During a Christmas At Night In New York montage, they tell us that Louis Osbourne, a.k.a. Son Ozzy Hates, will be a special guest star. Ozzy then breaks the montage of good will by telling us that he hates Christmas with a passion.

It looks like they're on a tour bus in New York, and Sharon is on the phone as usual. Jack eats ribs, saying, again, "Yea," as Ozzy wonders what the fuck is that. Ozzy then starts singing the "I want my baby back, baby back" song. Hell, the Chili's people already got to *NSYNC, why not Ozzy ? Sharon then asks us if we all know Michael The Security Guy. We see a quick shot of him showing off his blood clot and then playing pool in the house. Sharon gleefully continues that Michael has just been arrested for robbing the house in back of theirs. Shot of Michael laughing. Hee.

Back in the bus, Sharon finishes on the phone as Jack wiggles in anticipation of learning what's happened. Sharon cackles as Jack shakes her. Sharon says that workers or staff were running the waterfall at the house because it's working now, and the people were wondering why Michael was there because he wasn't scheduled yet. He was there with his son, by the way, in back of the guest house. Then they left, and the cops came by later saying they'd just arrested Michael and had him in the back of the cruiser. During all this, the bus is pulling up to the show.

Ozzy gets off the bus, yelling back for Sharon to see if his watch is gone from the bedside table. Hee. Then he comes back on the bus, telling Sharon to check his jewelry also. Sharon says she'll call right away. (He wasn't even caught robbing their house, though. Poor Michael.) Ozzy goes on that if it's gone he's going to whack the cocksucker. (Such mobster talk from the Ozzman.) Ozzy then comes back once more and says that he has his gold belt with him, but Sharon needs to check everything else. Hee.

Cut to Sharon, still smiling. She says that she might be nave and it might seem crazy, but she thinks Michael really liked them and wouldn't want to steal from them. Ozzy watches, gaping, as Sharon obviously talks on the phone. She says that Ozzy isn't going to believe it, and suddenly Ozzy thinks Michael was caught with the gold belt he said that he has with him. Sharon corrects him that Michael was wearing an Ozzy t-shirt when he was caught. Hee.

Concert. Ozzy rides in on the sleigh. A girl sitting on a boyfriend's shoulders like the days of yore (except her titties aren't exposed) makes a crucifix pose as Ozzy tells the crowd that they rocked. Then the girl, suddenly unhappy, spits fake snow out of her mouth. Not so rock and roll now, huh, Lita?

Bus. Ozzy congratulates Sharon on yet another tour together. Jack wonders how many this makes. Ozzy bitches, "I don't know. But I'm still fucking broke." Hotel. A bodyguard leads Ozzy over so he's not mobbed. Man, I bet after this show he has to hire a few more. Poor rich, famous Ozzy.

Now in the hotel, Sharon camera-talks that she loves Christmasparticularly because it gives her another excuse to shop. Some Asian bellhop girl brings in three massive shopping bags. Ozzy wonders what the fuck is this as the bellhop lady laughs and leaves. Sharon dances around the question until she says this one is"a black bag," jokes Ozzy. Sharon says the first is for Smitheeand Ozzy says the others are for his twin and then his triplet. Sharon actually says she has no idea what's in the third. Someone laughs. There are always so many people around -- that, or the camera crew never learned how not to laugh during filming. Ozzy gets serious and says that this looks dangerous for him. Sharon says she can't fucking eat it or fucking wear it (ah, but can she fucking fuck it?) so it's not for her. Ozzy says that the bags have a whole "Gucci vibe," so his balls are touching the back of his neck. Man, what a funny, but fucking weird dude. I'm going to so miss this show.

Ozzy now sits us down and camera-talks that when he was a kid, he'd get a "smelly old sock" with some nuts, a couple pennies, and an apple or orange in it for Christmas, and that was it. I wonder if little Ozzy ever dreamed back then that he'd be worrying whether his personal security guard stole his gold belt?

Now Sharon tries to work some more as Ozzy keeps pressing a dancing James Brown Doll that sings, "I feel good!" over and over, staring challengingly at Sharon (Ozzy, not the doll). Sharon tells him to stop and then threatens to put a plastic bag over her own head.

Later. Sharon asks Jack why Ozzy is so pissy. Jack says that Ozzy is worried how they're going to fit all the bags on the plane. (Man, I bet in a way things were easier for Sharon when he was fucked up all the time. Sure, he wasn't responsible with the kids and tried to kill her every once in a while, but at least his brain didn't need to find tiny things to obsess about. On second thought, maybe I should start doing drugs.) Sharon says that everything will fit. Jack concurs with Ozzy, saying they'll have to tie them to the wings with duct tape. Sharon hits Jack in the face with a stocking, and then lies that she didn't mean to. Jack laughs, loving the Mommy Attention more than life itself. If he got more, he wouldn't have to pee the bed so much.

Hotel room. James Brown Doll plays and sings as Ozzy dances along. Fucking funny shit. Ozzy thinks the doll is the coolest thing ever. Jack puts an "Ozzy Saves" sticker up in the room. Nice souvenir for the maid staff to have to scrape off the mirror. Thanks, Jack.

As Ozzy dodders around, Sharon describes how she loves Christmas because the Fam can all eat together, the kids can then go out, and she and Ozzy can stay in with the animals and have a nice, quiet evening. Ozzy stares at Sharon and says, "Well, you can keep on fucking wishing because it ain't gonna happen." Sharon says she knows, and that everyone will fight, call each other "bastards," and then go to sleep early. Hee.

They carry the bags out, James Brown Doll sticking out of a shopping bag. They load the bus as fans wait outside and throw stuff in Ozzy's face for him to sign. He ignores them all. Airport. Carrying shit. Sharon is psyched to see Minnie. (What about, like, your daughter? Aren't you psyched to see her?) The tiny plane is loaded and flies off as we sail into commercials.

Back. House. They arrive home and Sharon screams at Minnie, picking her up and kissing her all over. The dogs are freaking out. Ozzy holds the little seal dog Lulu and sings, "Lulu was my lover. Lover like no other. Lulu was my girlfriend. Loved her till the ending." Sharon watches, laughing. A dog licks and kisses Ozzy all over, seriously making out with him. Ozzy walks away and then coughs. Hee.