You're Uninvited

Ozzy sits in his study while a dog sleeps on the couch to him, sitting on the "King of Everything" pillow. Ozzy is attempting to open a The Best of Chris Farley on SNL DVD, and having a terrible time of it. He finally figures out the Nazi-torture-device sticker on top of the case, miraculously navigates getting the DVD itself out of the case without breaking it in two, and slips it into his hi-tech touch-screen DVD player. And after all that, a brother still can't catch a break, as Ozzy pushes button after button, trying to see the wacky fat man falling into break-away coffee tables and talking about living in a van down by the river, but to no avail. "Jack!" he screams -- Jack being his go-to guy for all things technical (and, I suppose, if he ever wanted to score some weed). But Jack is a no-show, sadly, and Ozzy keeps pressing away, surprisingly not enlisting his pal The Cameraman's help. Ozzy grouses that you have to be a fucking rocket scientist to operate a DVD. Ozzy, the Play button is right there...oh never mind. The computer angrily beeps at him like someone is going into de-fib on ER; he says, "What the fuck am I doing now?" which must be something Ozzy says a lot these days. Finally Ozzy just gives up on his Farley fix and abandons the sinking ship.

Opening credits. Despite media saturation of late, I'm still not tired of anything about this show.

So here's the wonderful thing that people have been talking about but I didn't experience until now: if you tape the showing on Wednesday or Thursday day, there's closed captioning! Sure, it seems to be wrong a lot, but god love 'em -- they have their hands full with these mumbly motherfuckers.

The first segment is "No Vagrancy." Groan. "With special house-guest Jason Dill," we are told. Shot of the house. Day. A rock reads, "Osbourne institute of rock." It's the rock garden -- some workers fix it up. I bet Ozzy made that up and laughed for years, putting it to "See you Tamara" in his Big Book of Funnies.

Inside, a hairy figure is woken up by the noise; he pets a dog, puts a blanket over his head, and heads off to the bathroom. Jack camera-talks that he met Jason Dill at On the Rocks, whatever that is, and that he's a professional skater who makes his own t-shirts and is a golden god in Japan. Jack, whose poor little nose is all red, smiles and says, "It's kind of funny." Oh no, I know the look on his face: Jack is in love. We see Jason in the kitchen burping. On the phone burping. Outside lighting a match off the garage wall. Burping in the kitchen again. Getting a jacket loaned to him. He says, in a Timothy-"Speed"- Levitch-meets- Jesse-Camp voice, "Thanks! You're the best." He scratches his shaggy head, which he does a lot, as he complains how hung over he is. Jack helps Jason find something to eat in the fridge as he camera-talks to us that Jason broke up with his girlfriend (I can't imagine why) and then moved into a hotel, and then moved into some house where "Mike" was staying and got kicked out (again, I can't imagine why) and so Jack is letting him stay there now. Poor Jack. His nose is red from love, a cold, or coke. You decide.

Ozzy, in his study working on a new masterpiece, tells us that he doesn't know who Jason is or where he comes from or what the deal is. He thinks Jason might even be working for him -- how the fuck is he supposed to know what goes on in his house?

Ozzy, sitting at his kitchen art-space / water-bowl-kicking seat asks Jason facetiously if he's sitting in Jason's seat. Jason says, "No, go ahead. Don't worry about it." Boot him, Ozzy!

Ozzy, back in his study / new art-space tells us diplomatically that he's going to give it a few days and then ask "questions" like, "Is this a permanent fucking situation?" and "If so, I want fucking rent." And then Ozzy's ever-troubled world comes to a grinding halt again as he asks, "What's wrong with the fucking pen?"

Lola sits on a pillow. Uh-oh. Ozzy comes up to Jack and says he has to talk about Lola; Jack huffs and whines right away. Ozzy tells Jack that Lola demolishes his bed and chews on the furniture and he paid a shit-load of money for the house (much more than he wanted to, we learned last week). "It's not on, babe," says Ozzy. Hee.

Now Ozzy camera-talks from his study that he loves Lola...he really loves Lola and Jack loves Lola. But Jack also likes going to "night-fucking-clubs" and Ozzy doesn't enjoy picking up turds. He says he doesn't mind a little Pomeranian turd, "but when that fucking bulldog unloads, you've got to get an earthmover and a fucking gas mask to go in the kitchen. It's like fucking plutonium turds." Ozzy does his patented stiff-hands-to-face move at the end; his homage to Jack Benny, I like to think.

California Pizza Kitchen. Jack and Kelly eat. Jack is on the phone with Son Ozzy Hates, I think. He says he'll call him back, and hangs up. Kelly asks if someone gave Lola to SOH; he says yes. Kelly tries to stop Jack from calling Sharon. "You don't give a fuck about the dog," Kelly tries to reason. Jack counters that she doesn't give a fuck about her dog or her cat or her (beep). Kelly shows her chewed food to Jack. Jack gets Sharon on the line and says he'd really appreciate it if she'd warn him the time she gives his dog away. He says it's been two times now and he's really had "e-fucking-nough" of it. "Get over it," whines Kelly as Jack threatens to give away Minnie, because he knows a lot of people who might like those dogs. Kelly lights up as Jason returns from having a smoke or going to the bathroom (or both at the same time, probably). Kelly waves to a gawker outside as Jack tells his mom that "it's not on" -- stealing a line from Dad -- and says he doesn't give a shit, that he wants his dog back. Kelly tells him not to talk to Mom like that and Jack informs the confused (as always) Jason that Mom gave his dog away.

House. Melinda informs Sharon that Kelly and Jack are out with their friend and Sharon says that Jack already called and yelled about the dog. Ozzy takes the opportunity to pipe up and finally ask, "What's this kid living in my house?" Sharon doesn't know what "kid" he's talking about.

We see the kid, standing with Jack now in the kitchen. Jack asks if he's drunk. "Not yet," says Jason. Kelly is on the phone, "You having fun?" she asks. "I mean, is it worth me coming over?" Jason drunkenly tries to keep Kelly from leaving; she's going to be back in half an hour. "Why, why, why, why, why you going over there?" he asks, grabbing her. Jack watches, conflicted. They briefly discuss why Kelly has to go over as her friend can't drive -- Jack guesses that she's drunk, high, or just had sex -- and then brother and sister get into a fight about some ketchup or something Kelly rubbed into Jack's pants. Kelly tells Jack that he has serious anger issues, and then complains that her jacket was clean while Jack's pants were dirty. Suddenly, Jason grabs Kelly and she screams that he's caught her collarbone. Jason is babbling about being the voice of reason, and Kelly is shrieking and then...uh-oh, here comes Sharon. "What the fuck is the time?" asks Sharon. It's 1:15 AM. She tells them to put a fucking sock in it, and then imitates Kelly whining, "Sorry, Mom." Then, the dogs start barking. Kelly runs, smiling, "Dad's awake."

Here comes Ozzy in his bathrobe. Hee. Ozzy mumbles to Sharon. Sharon bitches that the kids, who are hiding in the other room, woke her up. She adds, for no reason, that Aimee is home. Ozzy says that it has to stop.

Up in Jack's room, Kelly bitches that the folks said, when they moved into the new house, that they could have tons of friends over whenever. Jack says that Dill is allowed over because he's his roommate. (Aw, so sad, Jack's love all open and gooey.) Jason blathers, "Your mom respects my opinion, though." Hee.

There's Aimee for a second...and then she's gone. Sharon bitches that she's not going to pick up warm turds. Ew. Ozzy, eating a chicken bone, says that the reason Lola chews everything is that she doesn't get enough attention. (Oh, they're saying "he," so I guess it's not Lola.) Sharon complains about her rugs getting soiled, and Ozzy turns to the camera and tells us that you don't get a pet for five minutes, you get it for life. You go, Ozzy. Speak the truth, funny man. Sharon says the dog shits there because there is a mirror and he can watch himself shit. Hee.

Jack's room. Jason says he's going to smoke a cigarette. Meanwhile, Sharon finds a bottle of Jack Daniels and what I think is a joint. Sharon says she's going to pee in the bottle and goes into the bathroom. Kelly screams and the dogs start barking and Kelly forces herself into the bathroom. They yell and scream. "Grow up!" and "That's disgusting!" Kelly emerges and throws the bottle away. Sharon comes out, wiping pee off her hands, and calls Kelly a Drama Queen. Kelly says it's "disturbing and disgusting." Jason wanders back in and asks what's going on. They keep talking and Sharon tells Jason he has mud on his shoe and he has to clean it off. Kelly tells Sharon that it's like the time she found Ozzy's bag of weed in Hawaii and she pissed in it. Ew. Jason then figures that she's found the Jack Daniels and he asks if she put apple juice in it. Sharon tells him, with a straight face, that she was trying to piss in it.

Gym. Ozzy works out, biking and listening to rock music. He's wearing a shirt that reads, "Hippie Killer." Hee. Meanwhile, in the kitchen, Jason half-ass washes dishes and says that he likes cooking here because there is such nice stuff to cook with. He then says that he lit a timer on fire.

Outside. He shows us a melted chicken timer and says we can't tell Sharon because then she'll be scared and know how long it was on the stove. Huh? He tells us about his plight, running around at 5 AM trying to open doors and put the fans on to get rid of the smell.

Now inside, Sharon discovers the melted plastic chicken all over the stove and reads a Post-It, "Sharon! I burnt the griddle. I'm so sorry. Dill." She says, "Oh, for fuck's sake." Commercials.

Sharon tries to get rid of the plastic on the griddle, pouring Cascade on it. Jason thinks she's going to need an "acid-based compound." Jason is an acid-based compound. Suddenly, there are other friends around and Kelly tells Sharon that Jason was really upset about it, and Sharon actually, I don't think facetiously, says, "Aw. He doesn't have to be." She asks where he is, and Kelly thinks he's outside.

We see Jason sitting down outside, having a smoke.

Inside, a friend suggests heating a metal spatula and scraping. They do; it doesn't work. Jason wanders in and asks if it's working. He babbles something about setting the house on fire and then goes and sits down and reads the LA Weekly as Spatula Boy just stares at him. S.B. keeps working as Jason shows the cover of Hello! magazine to Kelly and then goes to play pool. Co-dependent Jack shows up, standing around the griddle as well. Finally Jack gets some balls and asks, "Why are we cleaning this? Why isn't Dill?" Spatula Boy answers that Jason would just make it worse, like he's Corky or something. Now Jason plays pinball. Hee. (Man, I fucking hate people like Jason Dill, by the way. Lazy, flaky people who ride on goofy charm. Except for Snoop. I forgive it in him.)

Sharon stands in the kitchen also half-ass washing dishes, asking about Jack getting a duvet for Jason. Jack says that Jason didn't want a blanket. Sharon tip-toes around asking when Jason's leaving and Jack offers "three or four days." He goes on, "Whatever. Jason's no problem." Love. He's all in it.

Ozzy then camera-talks that if Jack had introduced Jason and said he was going to be staying for a few days, then it wouldn't have been a problem. But instead Jason goes wandering around the house scratching his head -- we see many shots of him doing this -- and Ozzy didn't "meet" him until he went into Jack's room to borrow a razor blade and there was something moving on the couch. He asked what the fuck is that and Jack told him, "It's Jason, man." Ozzy exploded, "Jason who? Who the fuck is Jason?!"

Jason then tells us that Ozzy never remembers him and that he always introduces himself; Jason says it's fine with him. Good. Get used to it.

Ozzy then finishes that it's an invasion of "privacy"; he pronounces it the English way. Well, he's English so he's allowed. You don't get to, though.

Jack's room. Other dudes are around as Jason asks for a toothbrush holder. Jack bashfully smiles and gives him his own cup too. "You treat me so nice," says Jason. Bleh.

House. Day. Jack tells Ozzy that he's talked to "John" and that he's going to get Lola two weekends a month. Ozzy folds his arms and says he has to talk to Sharon first, but here's what he's prepared to do: he's going to get Lola back, but as soon as Jack doesn't take care of the dog, she's going back for good. Yay! I knew Ozzy would fold.

Jason asks Melinda where Sharon is. She's in a family meeting. Melinda is holding Pip, the poor retarded, and now lost, dog. So sad. Jason asks if Jack's in there too.

Ozzy, his new painting going swimmingly, tells Sharon that from now on if kids are going to be staying over, he'd like to be asked; he says that fucking kid (Jason) came back tonight. They ask Melinda if it was four friends pulling up as she headed off to work. Melinda said she told them, "No."

Montage of friends! Jason's friends run around Ozzy's house, eating food and playing video games, and smoking outside.

Now Jason and Kelly look at a magazine out front as Jason says that he's always paranoid that Sharon is going to come out and catch him smoking or being drunk.

Inside, Sharon tells Melinda to put "Accommodation" signs up and Melinda jokes that she's going to type up some invoices for Jason. Sharon says that Jack has got to "tell him."

In his room, Jack calls "Mike" and says that his mom says Dill has to go. "So how should I tell him?" asks Jack.

Quick funny shot of Ozzy walking towards an unaware Jason with a knife.

Jack hangs up and tries to psyche himself up. "Just got to tell him. It's going to be tough, though." Aw. He's so bummed out. Young love. Cut down before it ever got a chance to grow.

Jack whispers to Sharon. Sharon says that he should just tell Jason the truth. Melinda says they can put it on her, but Sharon says he should say that they need some family time alone. Jack wants to pin it on Ozzy, but Sharon repeats that he only has to say that they need family time.

Jack asks Jason, who is playing "Cruisin' Exotica," the videogame, if there is anywhere he can stay for a couple days. Jason asks why, what's going on? Jack mumbles that his parents just kinda want the house to start quieting down...and stuff. Hee. This is so "Breaking Up Is Hard To Do"; I feel for Jack. "You don't mind?" asks Jack. Jason doesn't. Jack says, "Just, like, five or six days." Jason expresses surprise that it's so many days. "That sucks," says Jason. "I mean," offers Jack, following him, "you can come back." As Jack goes on that it doesn't have to be "immediately," he informs Jason that he just stepped on the cat's tail. Hee.

Jason gathers his shit and tells us that he's going to give the family a break because they need to be on some sort of schedule. "And so do I," he says. He tells us, as if we care, that he's going to be staying with his friend Anthony, who is another pro skateboarder. "And then I'll fucking come back here," he smiles. Yuck.

Kitchen. "I'm a fucking pro skateboarder, Sharon. Don't talk down to me," Jason says. Sharon likes him, I think. Montage of Jason. Doing skate tricks. Telling Jack that he's going to be the envy of boys everywhere when this comes out. Belching. Scratching. But most importantly, leaving.