Satan, Give Me Strength

Okay, the sight of Ozzy tipping over in his chair a couple weeks ago was the best thing ever on television. I said it, it was the funniest thing I'd ever seen. But goddamn it, if this week doesn't feature something better. This show is annoyingly good. Sort of like cigarettes.

Day. The house. Oh, no. Sharon is cooking again. This time it's toast, and the whole kitchen is filled with smoke, the fire alarm ringing. (Last time it was Kelly with the kettle -- man, who knew English teatime was so fucking dangerous?) Kelly tries to help, suggesting laying something over it. It takes Ozzy a few minutes to notice the loud piercing noise, but he scowls and asks what's going on. Kelly asks what it is, and Sharon pulls a black piece of something out of the toaster and drops it in the sink, responding that it's "dinner."

Opening credits.

By the way, I love that Sharon Osbourne is reportedly asking for a seven-figure sum to do the second season. There is no way MTV can say no -- she has them by the balls, which is probably the three hundred and fortieth set she's squozen in her business career. Good job, scary lady.

Maids carry food into the house to get ready for Thanksgiving dinner. The segment is called "Get Stuffed." Someone is wrapping Ozzy's ankle as he talks on the phone; it sounds like he's doing a phone interview. He explains (lies?) that he broke his leg above the shin bone by slipping in the shower. He says it's "so stupid."

Meanwhile, maids cook Thanksgiving dinner. Quiche. Asparagus.

Lola licks Ozzy's ankle as Ozzy says that it's very painful and that the doctors have told him to rest the leg. He goes on, cryptically, that he's human and he can only do what God has given him. Hmm? Quick shot of Lola eating. (Dog food, not Ozzy's leg.)

In quick motion, the maids make up the fancy-ass Thanksgiving table. Ozzy now camera-talks that he's on so much medication that he shouldn't be drinking alcohol, "period." We see Ozzy happily pouring a glass of wine. Uh-oh.

As Jack and a friend watch TV, Ozzy, suddenly smashed, stumbles in and asks Jack to take Lola on a walk. Now, Ozzy always stumbles and slurs his speech, so he must be fucked up for us to be able to tell. The sad thing is that at that moment, all over America, drunk dads were telling their TV-watching sons to walk the dog as well. Ozzy and crew: the assimilation is complete. Congratulations! (For some reason they tile out whatever Jack is watching on TV. Must be porn.) Jack, wearing a wife-beater, says that he'll do it, but Ozzy says he will take the dog on the walk. An unseen Kelly joins in with Jack, telling Ozzy he can't walk. Ozzy yells that he will take the dog on the walk, because if he doesn't, Jack will just keep "looking at the TV" and no one will. (Bullshit -- he just wants to do some drunk cruisin'. I feel you, Ozzy.) "I'll take the dog for the fucking walk," says Ozzy, and he starts looking around for the leash. Jack tells him that he's looking like an idiot and Kelly, probably referring to something we didn't see, tells Ozzy that whatever he said or did was rude; Ozzy, drunkenly putting the leash on the terrified Lola, mumbles that he's just Ozzy and he's just crazy. Hee. Ozzy pulls Lola outside; two of the other dogs, including Pip, watch, wondering why the hell they never get to go on drunken walks with Ozzy. Life is so unfair.

Sharon, from the living room, tells Jack to stop Ozzy from walking the dog. She says that he's "stoned" and then stops and listens. "Is he singing?" she asks. Hee.

Cut to Ozzy, drunk off his ass, walking Lola down a beautiful Beverly Hills street on Thanksgiving, being followed by a camera-crew, singing. "Ah, fuck off," he tells Lola. (See, this might be funnier than the chair fall. I think perhaps the chair fall wins because of the broader physical comic work Ozzy displays in that clip, but this is pretty damn close.) In a wide shot we see Jack catching up to Ozzy, who falls back two steps. Okay, now this is the funniest: Jack grabs the leash, Ozzy pulls back, and they have a half-drunken tug o' war over the dog's leash. Man. (This can't be staged, can it? No. I refuse to believe it. It wouldn't have come out so funny.) Anyway, Jack obviously wins because we see Ozzy climbing stairs, mumbling that he's all revved up today. He turns to the cameraman, his new best friend, and says, "Don't you think I'm all revved up today?" (Revved up like a deuce?) "Thanksgiving [beep], I hate it." (How can you hate Thanksgiving? It's just about turkey and stuffing and shit. So, you're English. Acclimate a little. Oh, maybe he's still mad because it was so soon after we got away from Europe? I see. That one still hurts.)

We get a great shot of the beautifully set-up table, untouched, while Sharon yells at Ozzy that it's Thanksgiving and she doesn't want to fight. "Thanksgiving means fuck-all to me!" he says. And scene.

Morning. Lola sleeps. Jack sleeps. Ozzy, looking like hell (but then again), carries one of the dogs -- Minnie, I think. (Hey, has anyone seen Lulu, the little seal dog, lately? I think she got in Lola's belly.) He puts the dog outside, setting off the alarm. "Fucking thing, man," he says. Kelly is at the sink. Ozzy asks Kelly if she's pissed off at him. "A little," says Kelly. "Okay," responds Ozzy. Hee. Jack, still wearing his wife-beater, comes into the kitchen. Ozzy asks if Jack is all right, and if he's pissed off at him as well. Jack just mumbles. Ozzy dodders over. "What's that, Jack?" he asks. Jack says it's nothing.

Ozzy now sits at the TV as "Deck The Halls" plays from the speakers. Ozzy swears a bunch at the remote.

A doctor looks at Ozzy's taped ankle, asking, "Any pain here? Any pain when I squeeze here?" Ozzy pretends that he's fine. The doctor isn't fooled and tells him that if he comes out of the boot too soon, the bone is going to break apart and he's going to be fucked up for longer. Ozzy does an accidental Jack Benny take with his hand to his face.

Sound studio. "Delfino Sound Stage," in the valley somewhere, judging by the 818 number. Rob Zombie is directing the video, looking through the viewer-thingy. Ozzy gets out of the car on the lot and is helped into his big-ass trailer. Ozzy spits his gum out the trailer door. Five bucks says he steps in that later. Ozzy gets too-thick make-up put on. He tries on a gaudy bedazzled shirt that reads "Good" on one arm and "Evil" on the other; the "Evil" is in bones. A costume lady holds up a shirt with bat wings proudly. Ozzy sits in a chair, bitching to Sharon that he just wants to keep the video simple, that he doesn't want fucks and fucks and bullshit and bats and fucking shirt. Sharon says that she loves the shirt and she thinks it's going to "read clean." Ozzy says simply that he doesn't want to wear it. Sharon tries to take advantage of Ozzy's easy mental confusion by trying out some Jedi Word Voodoo on him. Check out the logic of this shit: "If you try it on, because the coat is gorgeous, we could just take it off." Hee. He says he doesn't like the coat. She asks him to try it on. "No," he says. "Will you try it on?" she asks again. Hee. Sharon sits to him as Ozzy says that he's sick to death of bats. "It's all my fucking career is about, is fucking bats." Sharon strokes his head, and the costume lady sadly holds up the bat coat she spent eighty hours on, as we fade to commercials.

Set. Lot. Sharon comes out of the trailer with the dogs following, singing. She then asks two of the crew guys if they had good Thanksgivings. "Absolutely wonderful!" lisps some guy, imagining that Sharon cares. She's just baiting them because (as we see a shot of the untouched Thanksgiving table) when they say yes, she pouts, "Fuck you!" Then Rob Zombie asks Sharon if she wants to watch playback. (Man, don't ever ask Sharon if she wants to watch playback.)