T-R-( Wot The Bloody )-L?

Inside, a Tower dude tells Ozzy where to go, and now we get a montage of Ozzy doing photos and signing shit. Ozzy comports himself very well, obviously saving everything for the fans and giving the family the Low-Wattage Ozzy at home, big-time. So the montageOzzy holding a baby. Ozzy hugging crying truckers. With a dude in a wheelchair. With a chick with a ferret. With a small guy in a Black Crowes t-shirt. What kind of dickhead shows up at an Ozzy in-store wearing a Black Crowes shirt? Ozzy with a lady. With a witch. With a guy. With a huge-boobied lady who asks for an autograph. Ozzy immediately looks to her tits. "Sure." Kelly watching, laughing. Ozzy with a kid. Ozzy with a midget who says that they should jam together sometime. Ozzy ignores him. Ozzy signs a male nipple. Okay, I would draw the line right there. Ozzy with a guy. With a bunch of cops. Ozzy on a throne with a chick in his lap. "It's good to be the king!" he says, suddenly seeming twenty years younger.

Finally he gets back into the limo. "This is the prom of darkness," Sharon says. Ozzy likes that. I'm confused. Ozzy looks very happy and satisfied, but tired. Sharon starts chirping about Minnie being the queen, and immediately Ozzy goes right back to "I fucking hate these limos." The last thing we hear is, "Don't come to New York, just stay here, Sharon."

Now the KROQ studios. The most influential corporate radio station in America, and the studio is a fucking closet. Adam Corolla and Dr. Drew greet Ozzy and Sharon, who are there to do Loveline. Ozzy sits down and asks if they're going to talk about sexual intercourse. He says that's why he brought "the wife" -- to tell him what it's like.

Back home, hilariously, Jack fiddles with the radio to discover that he can't get KROQ in the house. Fucking million-dollar house with satellite dishes up the ass, everything is so complicated and high-tech, and they can't get simple FM radio. Brilliant. Jack, wearing his strange Army vest outfit, and his little blonde friend go outside to listen in the car. Hee. Jack puts on a blonde wig.

The show. Adam introduces Sharon as his wife and manager "and sometimes interpreter." That's funny. Now Ozzy talks about how anti-depressants fuck up your sex life, so he has Viagra now. He says he's all drugged up and shooting blanks. Jack, listening in the car, shuts his ears and says, "La la la la la." Now Mommy tells a delightful story of how Ozzy would take Viagra and they'd wait for it to work, and then Sharon would fall asleep and Ozzy would have a big ol' boner and then couldn't wake her. He would try to wake her and she'd go, "Get lost!" Ozzy says he'd then just be lying there camping with a tent pole. Hee.

Meanwhile, in the car, Jack is still shutting his ears.

Ozzy and Sharon are dismissed from Loveline. (Y'all, give the Doctor and Adam a nicer studio. Please. Fucking shithole.)

Now, ignoring Ozzy's request, Sharon and Kelly board a private plane (with a few of the dogs.) They're going to arrive in New York at 2 AM.

And there they are, arriving in New York at 2 AM.

Morning. Out of the hotel, and then later onto a helicopter. Over the city. Ozzy gets off the chopper and again does what must be his Tarmac Call, "Rock and roll!" Ozzy walks into "30 Rock," talking on the cell phone to someone, and then goes in to do Conan. He sits in an office doing shtick with Conan. Conan asks him how he gets through metal detectors with all the crucifixes around his neck. Ozzy replies something about how he needs all of them. Then Ozzy and Conan trade action figures. Ozzy tells Conan that the action figure urinates at the Alamo when they get there. (Ozzy did that and was banned from playing Texas, or at least San Antonio.) Conan says his doll urinates, but it's not supposed to. Ozzy barely laughs. He likes Leno waaaaay better.

Ozzy leaves and gets into a van. There's Sharon. Ozzy is tired. Now Ozzy sits somewhere trying to read radio promos and bumpers for different stations. A station guy sits to him, mouthing along, as Ozzy fumbles and fucks up everything. Hee. The dude gets more and more upset as Ozzy stutters, swearing. He looks just like the new daytime host for the syndicated version of The Weakest Link, who in turn looks just like Steve Kmetko in Sally Jessy glasses.

Now TRL. Carson announces that both Ozzy and P. Diddy are on the show today. Now there's a combo. Ozzy gets out of the photo booth, but then they throw him back in with P. Diddy, saying, "Yeah, them together, that's even cooler!" Hee. Ozzy has no idea who P. Diddy is, but they take photos and Ozzy does his requisite biting poses. But then Ozzy shocks me as they get out of the booth as he says that he's so glad P. Diddy got out of that court case. Everyone laughs, worried that P. Diddy is going to take offense and shoot Ozzy, but he probably couldn't understand what Ozzy said. P. Diddy, totally flummoxed, says, "So gladabout everythingthat's going on for you!" Then Ozzy is gone and P. Diddy camera-talks, "I'm a big fan of Ozzy Osbourne. No bullshit."

Green room. A staffer is telling Kelly what's going to happen -- she's going to be on TRL as well. Kelly can't stop smiling, and now she's all giddy pacing around saying she's nervous. She says she's going to trip and fall on her face. Everyone says she shouldn't worry. Kelly then sits in Ozzy's lap as a staffer says, "Um, the F-word" and Kelly says that she can't say "fuck" and has to behave herself. Ozzy jokes with her, and Kelly says that she learned how to swear from him. "You learned from the best, baby," he says. And then they trade kisses, and she pretends to be grossed out but she loves it. It's sweet.

Ozzy. On the show with Kelly. "Hi, this is Ozzy Osbourne and you're watching TRL." Woooooooo! Kelly looks embarrassed but pleased.

Standing with Sharon backstage, Ozzy goes into high mumble mode, talking about not knowing what planet he's on and he feels like he was shot out of a cannon on Monday and hasn't landed yet. He puts a hand to his forehead as he walks off. Kelly is still all smiley from being on the show.

Hotel. The fam sits around. Ozzy gets the door when room service arrives. Kelly sits, bored, on the couch as Ozzy eats. Man, Ozzy is one dude who should not be talking while he's eating. That's all we need. He says that her birthday is coming up, and then asks how many days? She says, "Seven." Then he mumbles a lot, asking eventually what she wants. She says, "I don't knowanythingI don't mind." That, or they're talking about the upcoming elections.

Back home, on the school bus. Jack flipping us off. Melinda picks him up, lying how much she missed him. They hug and she says, referring to something on her hands, "That's really gross, Jack."

Meanwhile, back in the hotel room, the rest of the fam eats as Sharon relays that Jack is coming home soon. Kelly wiggles around a lot eating, while Sharon goes on that Jack didn't have a good time. Ozzy had no idea Jack was camping in the first place, so they have to inform him. Ozzy immediately launches into a tirade, totally nonsensically, that he told Jack to buy a proper fucking backpack and not that stupid thing he got from the Army surplus store. Such a dad, that Ozzy. Ozzy couldn't be further from what you think as a typical father, but then he has the same preoccupations about the minutiae of equipment, not realizing the true problem is that his son is totally maladjusted and everyone hates him. ["Well, except us." -- Sars] Sharon sets him straight that the camp was "too hippie-ish," and Kelly relates that they make you "feed a tree before you feed yourself." Ozzy asks how the fuck you feed a tree, and if you put a ham sandwich to it. Hee. Kelly says that's exactly how you do it. "Oh, fuck off," says Ozzy, but talking to the camp and the counselors and even the tree, not to Kelly.

Melinda and Jack in the SUV. Melinda goes on about how sweaty Jack is and then asks if he's in trouble. He says, gleefully, that he's in "so much trouble." They're going to call the parents in. Ooooooh, shit.

New York. Sharon says that Kelly has to call "Robert," and Ozzy immediately thinks of a different Robert (probably some old guitar player of his who's dead), but Sharon says that she means Kelly's Robert, "from the office." (I guess he works for their record company.) Ozzy asks Kelly if that's her boyfriend. "No," she lies, but she's immediately all giggly and high-pitched. Kelly says, "In case you haven't noticed, the kid's been coming over to the house for, like, four years now." Ozzy replies, "Oh, I didn't know." Hee. Exactly like my dad too. "Hi, who is this?" "Dad, that's Derek. He's been my best friend and lived door since we were three." "Pleasure to meet you, Derek."

Melinda asks Jack why the parents are being called in, and Jack launches into his laundry list of misdeeds. He threw rocks at tents. He threw rocks at kids. He told a counselor (why can't I spell that fucking word right, ever?!) to "go fuck himself." "Oh well," replies Melinda, like the terribly irresponsible nanny she is. "Did you have fun, though?" Oh, I see, she's just more interested and concerned about his general psychic happiness, and not, like, if he's running around taking his spoiled miserableness and inability to relate to the world as a normal human being due to his crazy past as an excuse to be a total jerk to everyone else. Jack says that he did have fun: breaking the rules and getting yelled at. Good job, Jack. (Hey, I still think you're cool and we should totally hang out. I'm just giving you a hard time because I have to appear like I don't condone spoiled behavior, but seriously, I would have totally told counselors [dammit!] to fuck themselves if there was a guarantee of absolutely no parental repercussions, too. Call me!)

The fam. Sharon says that the campers sing by a campfire at night, and Ozzy reacts with horror. Kelly starts to say that even she couldn't take that seriously, but Sharon interrupts her by singing "Kumbaya." (Not the song, just the one word.) Then she asks Kelly what she was saying, and Ozzy interrupts her again with the same one-word version of "Kumbaya." Kelly gives up trying to talk. Hee.

Bad nanny. Jack says that it's like a hippie cult up there.

Sharon tells Ozzy that they stopped at Roy Rogers for food last night. Kelly gets all excited for some reason. Then Sharon asks what the difference was between Roy and Will Rogers. "Who the fuck is Will Rogers?" asks Kelly. "I don't know," says Ozzy. Is there really a difference, when it's all said and done? Commercials.

New segment. "Like Father Like Daughter." Ozzy comes home, holding a dog. He puts the dog down and dodders through the front hall. Sharon follows, saying, "Good morning," to everyone. Melinda lies that she missed them -- that it was lonely around the house without them.

Jack calls someone and asks if they want to come to Kelly's birthday party tonight. Then a girl in a Motley Crue t-shirt gives Jack a mohawk.

Jack shows his mohawk to Sharon. "You're out of your fucking mind," she replies.

Kelly walks to her room with Robert. Ooooh, Robert. You loooooove Robert. You want to kiss and hug Robert. She's all smiley as she carries a bag of gifts he's giving her. In her room, she notices that the gifts are all pink because that's her favorite color. Robert stands by wondering if, after four years, after all this, he's going to finally at least get some head, as Kelly opens the gifts. She downplays everything, but you can tell she's ecstatic inside. She tries on a sweater. "Sweet," she proclaims. "Not as sweet as some head would be," Robert thinks.

The party. Night. Horror theme. Wow. That's so creative, you crack party planners, you! A horror party at Ozzy's house! Who would have thunk it? A douchebag actor tells people to enter of their own free will. A contortionist. Punch, with dry ice. A tarot card reader. Lots of kids. Presents. The contortionist freaks Kelly out. Ozzy tells Sharon she's out of her fucking mind.

Ozzy sits alone in the living room, drinking a Coke. Melinda asks how he likes the music. "Crap," he declares. She asks if she should change the music, but he says that it's not his party. Two other parents sit around, and Ozzy bitches to them and then to the cameraman about the music, saying that it's like a four-hour-long record of the same thing. The music stops and Ozzy says, "That's the best part of the record." Hee.

The singing of "Happy Birthday." The cake. Lola tries to get on the pool table.

Kelly goes out with friends, kissing Melinda good night.

Now the Crue ho who gave Jack the mohawk is going to sleep in Jack's room, but on the couch. She says that she drools in her sleep, and he says that he pees in his sleep. He goes on that he wet the bed nine times this summer. "You told me," she says. Wha? Issues -- the kid has some. He tells us, "Waking up in a pool of your own spitand a bed covered in your own urine. It's fun." Man. Okay, so she's sleeping on the couch. Yeah, whatever. Two seconds after the cameraman leaves, she's giving Jack a different kind of trim.

Ozzy and Sharon go inside after the party, remarking, just like any other parents, how "disgusting" the cigarette butts all over are. Like they're going to have to clean up a single butt. Please.

Morning. Party aftermath. Living room. Jack burps, and Ozzy says that was nice. "It was only for you," Jack has to repeat twice. Ozzy asks where Jack's going that night, and he says he's staying home with Ozzy. "Why did you lock your door last night?" asks Kelly. Ozzy asks if he had a girl in there. Then Jack says that Kelly should shut up because there's something she doesn't want to talk about, and Kelly says that Jack promised he wouldn't say anything. (This part looks a little staged, but who knows with this weird bunch.) Ozzy immediately leans in all excited. "What happened what happened what happened?!" he says. Hee. "What did she do?" he asks Jack. (Can't drink or smoke, he has to get pleasure somewhere. Who knew Ozzy's new drug was gossip?) Kelly sits, reading a birthday card that Robert no doubt gave her over and over. She's in loooooove. Ozzy keeps bugging her and finally figures out that it's a tattoo. Jack says that the tattoo is "ordinary," but wants to see it again. She shows Ozzy, who asks if she's told Sharon. She hasn't. It's a tiny little red heart on her hip. Tiny. She says that she loves it as she shows it to Jack.

Now some random guy stands by as Ozzy gives a too-late lecture about how she's going to have that for her whole life. "I like it!" she pouts. The lecture continues about infections as Ozzy points to one of his hundred tattoos and says that one got infected and his arm swelled up like a balloon. Ozzy finally says that Kelly has to tell Sharon. Whatever. Kelly totally wants this attention.

Now Ozzy has Sharon on the phone and gives the phone to Kelly. Ozzy rubs his hands, so excited. Now we see Sharon getting her hair washed in a salon. Kelly tells her about the tattoo, and Sharon immediately asks where and what and then who did it. Kelly won't say. Ozzy is having a good time in the background. Ozzy takes the phone again, and Sharon tells him she's sad. Ozzy tries to defend Kelly, saying that it's small and not that bad. He jokes that she's getting the "big fucking one" week. (There is a chalkboard that says something about Jews behind them, but part of it is tiled out. Mystery!) Kelly pouts that Mommy hates her, but Ozzy says she's just disappointed. "She thinks you're a very stupid person." Ah, that makes it all better. Thanks, Ozzy. Kelly replies that she knows she's stupid, that Sharon didn't have to tell her that.

Hee. Now Kelly is down at the salon as Sharon sits in the chair. Sharon demands that Kelly show it to her. She does. The hair lady keeps babbling, saying that it's very tiny. "Is it crooked?" asks Sharon. Hee. Kelly says no, and they all look.