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I gotta tell you, people. I'm a little out of sorts here. I've never actually recapped a truly good show. Sure, Temptation Island has its own degree of simple, whorish brilliance and Road Rules has its moments, though very few and very far between, but generally, the stuff I get to recap is total crap. And now along comes this show, The Osbournes. Someone at MTV deserves a prize. I mean, sure, who knows how long it'll last, and sure, some might feel bad for Ozzy because Sharon, his wife and manager, probably forced him to do this, but whatever the reasons and for however long we have it, I love it. Because it rules. And that's the truth.
Quickly, about Sharon. I'm sure there are millions of good Sharon Osbourne stories because she is notoriously, well, crazy and mean and harsh. But my favorite is her press release after quitting her short stint as the Smashing Pumpkins' manager. In the statement, she said something like she could no longer work with Billy Corgan because he's mentally ill. But they're both such famously nutty egos that having the two working together must have been fucking crazy. It must have been like the day on the set of Heat when De Niro and Pacino did their much-touted scene together. Just having the eccentricity and weirdness of those two men in the same room must have caused, like, a solar flare, or a butterfly in Mongolia to die or something. It's the same with Sharon Osbourne and Billy Corgan. You just knew that couldn't last. (By the way, the scene in Heat between Pacino and De Niro was so fucking unsatisfying. It's like, you have two of the most electric and intense actors working in a scene together: hmmmmyeah, let's just have them sit over coffee and talk. Good thinking.)
Anyway. The show. I'm nervous for two reasons: 1) The show is so funny that I'm really not going to have a lot to interject. Really. Just prepare yourself for that. There's just not much to say. And 2) I can't understand a fucking word most of the time, as this is the single most mumbly family ever. So much so that the closed caption people seemed to have given up before they even started, because I can't seem to get the captions to work for the show. (Oh, one more. 3) I also don't know much about Ozzy's music, so spare me the "You didn't know 'Crazy Train' was originally on Such and Such Sabbath album so you shouldn't be recapping this show, moron!" stuff. Thanks.)
So. Here we go. The style of the show is thus: it's like The Real World or Cribs, but with music and graphics and segment editing like it's a real sitcom. An uneasy marriage, but it works. We open with voice-over and a photo of the Osbournes, only there are five people and it's a weird photo. Anyway. The voice-over talks about meeting the "Perfect American Family" and then introduces us to everyone by way of quick pieces.
“ Ozzy wonders where he should put his gun -- it quickly becomes clear that he can't exist without Sharon's constant help -- and then runs upstairs to put the gun under the bed. Just like my dad, but my dad couldn't take the stairs two at a time like Ozzy. ”
First, wife Sharon and teenage daughter Kelly sit around with a friend as Kelly yells at an off-screen Jack (the teenage son). She says something I can't understand at all, something about Jack and the paper, which ends with, "because you're a fucking loser!" Then she throws something and hits Jack in the balls. Sharon jumps up and a dog barks (they have tons of animals) and Jack throws something back and Sharon, trying not to laugh, tries to break it up. Friends sitting around laugh. Now Sharon tells us to camera that she's not Mother Teresa -- we then get a shot of her telling the kids, "I'm Ozzy Osbourne's wife. Now shut the fuck up and go to bed." She then swears again at the camera. That's "The Mom."
"The Son." Now Jack marches around the dark backyard in army gear with a knife and tells us that teenagers' brains aren't functional until 10:30 AM. He sits in a chair making noises and faces.
"The Daughter." An always-sullen Kelly (driving, so she must be at least sixteen) with pink hair tells us that she doesn't care if people don't like her hair, because it's not their hair. She realizes it rhymes, and laughs.
"The Dad." Ozzy gets out of a golf cart somewhere. He yells into the camera, "Rock and roll!" Then he walks his weird old-man-shuffling-hands-out walk. Ozzy singing, screaming, putting on tights, humping a dog, showing his ass, watching TV open-mouthed along with Jack. Dancing with Sharon in the kitchen. In a photo shoot. Playing a driving video game. With his shirt off -- his tattoos and big belly and black eyeliner cracking me up. He looks almost identical, these days, to film director Penelope Spheeris, who, ironically, recently did a documentary about the Ozzfest tour called We Sold Our Souls For Rock 'n' Roll. Walking the dog. Telling Jack that they're all "fucking mad." That's Dad.
Graphic of the house. Music. A loungy, swinging number. Pat Boone's version of "Crazy Train," I've been told. Title sequence. The "cast." A cute title sequence ending with a shot of the crazy family standing in front of the front door.
This segment is "There Goes The Neighborhood." A sign. "Beverly Hills." The titles continue, "Introducing, Melinda The Nanny." Shot of Beverly Hills. The house, which they're in the process of moving into. Sharon deals with movers who bring shit in. Boxes of plates and linen gives way to a box labeled "Devil Heads." Ha. Now Ozzy is playing with a bulldog puppet and driving his real bulldog crazy with it. Man, it would be fucked up to be one of Ozzy's animals. Though I'd probably be more afraid of Sharon. Now there is a great shot of Ozzy following an unaware cat with his arms out. The cat sees him and freaks and runs. Ozzy giggles. Ozzy plays in an empty pool while Sharon tells a worker that she's going to drown the guy who's supposed to be building the pool. Moving. Moving. Sharon talks about how this is, like, the twenty-fourth house their kids have lived in, and they're building and painting and hanging crucifixes everywhere. She jokes that they'll never be able to sell this house. A box is labeled "Dead Things." Moving. Moving. Ozzy wonders where he should put his gun -- it quickly becomes clear that he can't exist without Sharon's constant help -- and then runs upstairs to put the gun under the bed. Just like my dad, but my dad couldn't take the stairs two at a time like Ozzy.
“ The guard blahs about how Ozzy and Grand Funk Railroad was the first concert he ever saw, and Ozzy holds the man's hand and looks insanely interested. Ozzy remembers that it was at The Forum in '71. Man, I can't even remember what I had for lunch. ”
Sharon discovers that a vase is broken. She starts swearing. The kids move their stuff in, and swear a lot about having lots of shit. Sharon keeps swearing. Sharon tells a TV guy that Ozzy likes anything like "the History Channel" and "the War Channel." Man, I don't think I get the War Channel. That would be awesome. Stupid Animal Planet. Now Ozzy sits trying to change the channel, and he's stuck on "The Weather Channel," and a cat sits to him licking himself while Ozzy says, "What the fuck is that?" when something starts beeping. He goes over and finds a cell phone and picks it up like it's a bomb. Hee. Now the TV guy explains to us that most clients just figure out the big remotes themselves without written instructions. This is intercut with Ozzy swearing and trying to change the channel. He hits the thing and opens a Diet Coke while yelling for Jack to come help him. He says he's a very simple man and yells in his funny Beatles accent why can't they have a normal fucking TV. "Fucking space-age shit! Nightmare in Beverly Hills." Hee. Ozzy pours a Diet Coke as Jack tries to explain the remote to Ozzy, but it doesn't even work. He jokes that with all the buttons, the TV can give you a "fucking blowjob." He tells Jack to press the "blowjob" button. Hee. Ozzy plays with the cat. But then when Jack finds the History Channel and it's indeed about war, Ozzy instantly puts the cat down and pulls Jack in to his chest to watch with him, mesmerized. Man. This show rules.
More moving. Sharon directs everything. Ozzy finds a knife and asks Jack if he thinks it will make a good bayonet for his gun. Ozzy brings the gun down, and they try to figure it out. Kelly comes in and asks what they're doing. She says, "You're so fucking violent." "Shut up!" both dad and brother yell in tandem, while continuing to work on affixing the bayonet to the gun. Ah, family. Andcommercials.
This segment is "Lights. Camera. Ozzy." Kelly's room. A "Crazy Train" runs around a shelf near the ceiling as Kelly continues to unpack with the help of the aforementioned nanny Melinda. Melinda says the outfit Kelly's going to wear to watch her dad on The Tonight Show is "very Jackie O." Kelly whines. That's what Kelly does best.
NBC Studios in Burbank. A place I pass almost daily. A guard, instead of doing his job checking the trunks of people leaving the studio to make sure they didn't steal anything, gushes over Ozzy. (Checking the trunk as you leave the lot is actually what they used to do, as post-9/11 they check your trunk as you enter the studio lot, to make sure you're not bringing anything in.) Ozzy is famously patient with his fans and claims to really love the constant attention and the same shit being said over and over by aging rock fans like this dude. I wonder if it's true or if he's a savvy businessman. I guess unless we're inside that crazy brain, we'll never know. The guard blahs about how Ozzy and Grand Funk Railroad was the first concert he ever saw, and Ozzy holds the man's hand and looks insanely interested. Ozzy remembers that it was at The Forum in '71. Man, I can't even remember what I had for lunch. What a guy.
Back in Jack's room, Melinda tells Jack that he has to hurry if he wants to go to Leno. Jack says that he won't go then. What a dick.
Now Sharon explains to us that Ozzy is very nervous and doesn't like doing television. She says that it's not that it's "selling out" -- which he obviously feels it is -- but it's "too mainstream." Like this entire show centered around your family, you kooky lady. She says she made Ozzy do Leno. (That sounds gross.)
Ozzy flips off the camera and gets dressed in a frilly black thing. Some techie sings "Dude Looks Like A Lady" and then bails. Ozzy comes after him, mumbling, "What are you talking about, 'Dude Looks Like A Lady'?" Hee.
Jack. Unpacking. He brats to Melinda that he's just going to see his dad on the show when it's on that night. Melinda pretends not to know what Jack is talking about, and he calls her "blonde." "Fuck off," she says. "Get a real job," he retorts. Goddamn, that's funny. I wish I could go back and get a nanny just so I could talk to her like that.
Ozzy. Sitting in make-up. The make-up guy introduces himself, but Ozzy is consumed with his frills being stuck on the chair. Tons of people are circling around, including Jay. Sharon says they'll cut the frills as Jay himself comes and asks for an autograph for his nephew Rick. Ozzy jokes that it's really for Jay himself, but Jay doesn't seem to get it.
Back with Jack, who looks like a little old English lady, by the way. He's watching a little DVD player, and Melinda tells him that he's not allowed to watch a movie about pot. Jack tells her to "fuck off" and "leave [his] room now." She laughs.
Jay wants Ozzy to sign, "To Rick, Be Cool." Sharon asks how old Jay's nephew is. "Actually, he's twenty-eight." Hee.
Jack and Melinda bicker as Jack tells her to throw away an Eagles CD of his. Ah, he's a man now -- he's gone through that rite of passage of throwing away your Eagles CD. They trade "fuck offs" and "bugger offs."
“ Michael lifts his shirt and tells Sharon, 'It's a blood clot. Feel it.' Sharon feels Michael's blood clot. That's the grossest thing I've ever written. ”
Ozzy makes a laxative joke and fucks around with the loser make-up guy. Now Kelly is cutting the frill off of Ozzy's outfit. Good daughter.
Leno footage. This is Ozzy's first solo album in six years, we learn. "Down To Earth," it's called. Ozzy rocks, whipping his head and telling everyone to clap. After, I guess, Sharon tells us she could tell he was nervous but he did well. Then Sharon tells Ozzy that time he'll come back and talk to Jay and won't have to play. Ozzy says, "What, is that week?" Hee. His mind is gone.
Waiting for the elevator, Ozzy kisses and hugs Sharon as Kelly says, "Ugh, stop it." Ozzy says he's sure she does it when she goes out. "I bet you do this," he says, and kisses Sharon. Kelly tells them they're too old. Ozzy dodders around and says, "That's very nice, you wait until you're fiftyhow old am I?" Hee.
Ca' Del Sole restaurant. A place I also pass daily. A whole table of people sits around as Ozzy holds court. He says he didn't feel nervous at the show and then makes a joke about shaking, which isn't very funny, but everyone cracks the fuck up. Kelly mumbles and gripes something we can't hear, and Ozzy asks what she says, and she doesn't respond, and then Ozzy asks why she won't repeat it, and she says that everyone else heard and, Ozzy explains that she hasn't been sitting in front of "thirty billion decibels for thirty-five years." Kelly smiles. "Write me a note," says Ozzy. Hee. Everyone cracks the fuck up, this time with reason. Ozzy smiles, for a second looking not a day over forty-five.
Various Ozzy family photos over the years. They're cute.
Ozzy. Sitting on the couch, drinking his ever-present Diet Coke. He's watching Leno's monologue. Leno makes a joke, and Ozzy, who looks like he hasn't even been paying attention, suddenly laughs like it's the funniest thing he's ever heard. A middle-aged black man comes in dressed in a security outfit, and we meet Michael. Michael explains to us that he's been hired to watch the house. He explains that he walks outside and checks the back house and the windows and all. While he's listing his duties, we see him playing pool in the house, hanging with Jack -- doing everything but his job. Now Ozzy continues to watch Leno, and Michael lifts his shirt and tells Sharon, "It's a blood clot. Feel it." Sharon feels Michael's blood clot. That's the grossest thing I've ever written. Michael says he has fun over here.
Now, suddenly, Michael is sitting watching TV as Ozzy loses a lung laughing at a Leno joke. Michael sees Ozzy laugh and laughs too. Ozzy and Michael laugh together. Insane. The both of them.
Now Leno is introducing Ozzy, and Ozzy takes off a bracelet, kisses it, and puts it on the table. Ozzy watches, a look of horror and excitement and worry on his face. As Ozzy on TV performs, Ozzy in the room mouths along with the words and looks nervous. The funny thing is Michael the security guard -- the look on his face during Ozzy's performance is priceless. Blank and bored and a bit disgusted. It's almost as if he hasn't yet made the connection that the dude he works for is a rock star and that's him on the TV. Ozzy pretend-fellates the mic as Ozzy in the house covers his face in his hands and Michael sighs. Commercials.
During the commercials, I think back to a few years ago when I read scripts for a TV company out here in Hollywood. I remember reading this one sitcom pilot about an aging rocker and his family at home. It was cute but nothing great. And, in fact, last I heard a similar pilot was in development with, ironically, The Eagles' Joe Walsh. But after this, you just can't do it. It's all been done. Already. Man.
New segment. More moving in. This is called "Fight Club." The fam is puttering around when something on the stove starts burning. It seems that Kelly has left a hand towel around a teapot on the stove and everyone runs and the housekeeper takes the kettle away. Ozzy laughs and says something about burning the fucking house down and how that's a good idea. Kelly whines and Ozzy calls Kelly a "dimbo." More unintelligible Ozzy and fam babbling as Melinda says something and Jack gives Kelly a round of applause as she whines and pouts. Melinda hugs Kelly as Ozzy congratulates her on the first fire of the new house. He sings "Burning Down The House."
Now Ozzy camera-talks about how Kelly has had, since she was born, tantrums. Ozzy calls them "wobblers." Ozzy says they are like freak-outs, and over nothing. He demonstrates. Now Ozzy tries to get Kelly to leave the towel or the burnt stove alone, and finally she freaks out and brats, "Fine!" Ozzy dodders around asking, "Why are you so sarcastic towards me?" Kelly says that she's in a bad fucking mood now, and Ozzy tells her to "shut up" and dodders off and says something about how Sharon is now going to lay into him. Ozzy's hands shake a lot, I've noticed. He tells us that Kelly has had a wobbler every day of her life. He says something else, but I can't understand him.
Now we get the scene where everyone is sitting around and Jack and Kelly argue about methods of getting into clubs. Kelly yells (which we saw before but I couldn't understand), "Jack, stop telling people you're Ozzy Osbourne's son to get into places because you're a fucking loser!" Hee. Jack bitches something back that she shouldn't talk and that she does the same thing, and Kelly says something about how her friends know the doorman and finally she says, "Why don't you shut the fuck up!" and grabs something off the table and throws it, and it hits Jack in the balls. The little dog is barking and Sharon jumps up and Jack throws something back at Kelly. Love it.