Ozzy sits in his Malibu home, I'm guessing, having dinner with one-armed Jack, his Bitch Boy, and some other men. Ozzy seems drunk, as he's raving about how he was born on land and thus doesn't like the ocean. He points to one of the guys, saying that he went diving with "sixty-foot" sharks in a steel cage, and that if he were to do it, the cage would have to be titanium. Everyone is laughing their asses off. Jack looks pissed. Maybe he's making fun of Jack jumping off the pier. Damn MTV isn't captioning this one, which makes everything very difficult. Ozzy's last sentence, after laughing about having a little peephole in his cage, sounds like, "The jackalope was a cock!" (Here come the hundred emails telling me what he actually said. No, seriously, if you think you know and you didn't just watch a later rerun that had the captioning on it, email me. See how smart you are, you cock jackalope.) Opening credits.
The episode title is "The Ozz Man and the Sea," which is a Hemingway reference that I'm guessing eighty-four percent of MTV's target demo won't even get. Sharon sits with someone, who seems like it may be her sister, eating in the Beach House. Sharon tells MaybeSister that Kelly is going to England to do a bunch of interviews. Also, she's going to be on Top of the Pops, which I think is the kind of thing we would have if America hadn't eventually woken up and cancelled Solid Gold. The English don't have those sort of rules about pesky stuff like good taste or anything. Come to think of it, we still have Soul Train, so we can't really talk. Oh, then there's Kelly, talking about Top of the Pops, and while we get shots of the show, she explains that the song on the show are listed by single, not by album, and they do the top ten singles each week, which therefore makes it exactly like Solid Gold, minus Marilyn McCoo. Kelly marvels that she's watched that show every week since she was, like, two. Suddenly she scrunches up her nose, and we see one of the tiny dogs taking a massive shit on a piece of linoleum in the corner. "Oh my God," she says, depressed. (Kelly, not the dog. I think the dog is actually feeling pretty good right about now.)
Ralphs. Ozzy and a Big Bald Friend put tons of cords of wood into a shopping cart. They're going to put them in the car, but Ozzy and the clerk have a misunderstanding and he thinks she doesn't trust him to come back and pay, so he leaves a black bag with his "lyrics" inside with her. Hee. His lyrics. He should really leave the teleprompter I'm sure he has to use for every show. It's really weird to see Ozzy out in the real world. He looks good -- aside from the shaking and shuffling and almost falling down. Ralph's guy has to load the wood into the car as a shopper yells, "Ozzy, you rock." "Thank you," Ozzy mumbles to the air.
Beach. Ozzy shows the fireman the back deck, and he says the fire just has to be twenty-five feet from the house, which is about at "that log." Ozzy asks which side of the log. The fireman says, just around it. "This side of the log?" says Ozzy again. The fireman says yes, that'll be fine. He tells Ozzy to wait until the tide is out, of course, but Ozzy just asks which side of the log again, not listening. (I think they just edited that extra one in because his back was turned, but it's still funny.) Ozzy needs to clarify once more, so he asks, "So we build a hole this side of the log?" The fireman, as if talking to a child, says that a hole would be good. He asks if Ozzy has firewood. Hee. Ozzy then takes him inside and, with some effort, pulls out a Duraflame log to make sure that's okay to start the fire with. The fireman now just wants to leave. The fireman does leave, and Ozzy walks right over and starts drinking a chocolate energy drink. Hee.
Plane. It lands with some trouble. All alone in first class, Kelly, Bad Nanny, and Kelly's friend laugh their asses off -- Kelly says that she's afraid of flying. No, I'm sure she's just afraid of flying commercial, since she never has to. Now the girls stand at the empty baggage carousel. "This is the worst feeling ever," says the friend, as no more bags are coming around. Kelly bitches to us, "My fucking bag is lost. I want my fucking bag." And commercials.
Sitting in a hotel room, Kelly, wearing more lipstick than the entire Bunny Ranch, bitches to us that she'll never get her bag back and she has thousands of dollars worth of clothes in that bag -- all of the most expensive stuff in her wardrobe. And just when we're feeling sorry for her, Melinda chimes in -- and Kelly explains -- that Kelly had a gun-sized pin shaped just like a gun in the bag, and they searched, and that's probably why the bag is now missing. Wow. That's pretty stupid. Ozzy would be so pissed. We see a shot of Kelly being pulled into a back room as they babble about the gun and how it looked like a real gun in the machine. Hee. Kelly is really mystified that this could have happened to her. Kelly says she'll have to wash her knickers every night now. (Or she could take her millions of dollars and go buy some new ones.) Bad Nanny asks why Kelly doesn't borrow her knickers. Kelly looks like she's going to gag. Bad Nanny is offended. Hee.
Lake. Small boat. Ah, it's the set of Dawson's Creek! North Carolina. Beautiful. Jack goes to wardrobe, trying on weird t-shirt after weird t-shirt. He is rude to the wardrobe lady, saying he doesn't care which shirt she picks. The costume lady hats herself.
Beach. Twilight. Ozzy shows the camera their first failed attempt to build a fire pit, which looks like it's been rolled over by the ocean. Now their second attempt. Ozzy digs, but the water comes in. "Fuck off! Fuck off!" he yells to two-thirds of the planet. Two-thirds of the planet doesn't listen. "Stop. Fucking…go to Alaska or…no no no no. You fucking asshole ocean! No!" Hee. Ozzy says he feels like a construction worker, as we see him dig a puny shovelful of sand. Well, the only difference is that a real construction worker would have managed to actually move more than a handful of sand, but sure. Whatever. Ozzy then gets something into his head about piling rocks along the fire, so he goes to get one and then has to yell at the ocean again. He almost falls down, but stays up and manages to bring a rock over to the fire. "One rock will stop the tides from coming in," as the old Birmingham saying goes. Ozzy blows his nose in his shirt and then yells at the water some more. Sounds like a full night for Ozzy.
Germany. Kelly is on her iBook in her hotel room, talking to Jack on the phone some shit about why would she drink Heineken in Germany. She talks about having to wash all her underwear before going to bed (seriously, they have stores in Germany, I'm almost positive). Kelly asks if Jack has a cold, and then says it sounds like he has a dick in his mouth. Heeeeeee. She then brags about being on the show, obviously very proud and very much caring what her brother thinks of her. Jack promptly hangs up on her.
German girls in the street. In German, they say that they've met Ozzy and now they want to meet Kelly, who is "cool." One dorky guy hides behind the girls, watching. German girls are crazy-looking. One looks like Rachel Dratch. Two others look like veteran hookers. Now we get a montage of Kelly walking, being photographed, being interviewed, et cetera. Then in some room, Kelly's friend says they're having a "Beatles moment." Kelly bitches that it's just the same four people following them all day.
German radio show. The DJ speaks a shitload of German and then, like, a couple words in English. Kelly looks confused. In another shot, she says she doesn't know any German at all. Bad Nanny looks on, her huge belly hanging over her pants. (I wouldn't have borrowed her underwear either.) "That's amazing, I always don't know what to say," says Kelly, after the DJ spouts a bunch of German phrases.
Beach. Ozzy asks his friend if the fire is too big. The friend, who has a giant pee stain on his pants, says no. "It fucking will be in about ten minutes," says Ozzy. He goes into the house for more wood and singing about being "Log Man." He throws wood down from the balcony. (Ozzy loves throwing wood, huh?) "I like warming my butt by the fire," says Ozzy, mooning the fire. I wonder if he got a permit for that? Commercials.
Germany. Kelly and her friend are accosted by a Weird German Girl. She asks for an autograph. Then she asks Kelly to sing Papa Don't Preach. Kelly says she can't, but the girl insists. Finally, they try to leave, and the girl sings, "Papa, don't preach. I'm in trouble now." Hee. The bitchy Asian friend laughs this Maude laugh at the crazy German girl, as she and Kelly get out of there as quickly as possible.
Jack has to get up at 5:45 AM for the shoot. Morning. Jack's Helper wakes him up. Jack rolls over. Finally Jack gets up and gets dressed in wardrobe. He yawns on the way to the set. He sleeps backstage. He tells us he did a good job getting up today. Now Jack sits in a Mustang, sleeping in the backseat. Oh, that's part of the shoot. Okay. Where's the Beek? Seriously.
Kelly is now in a German car with someone, and she's bitching about being told not to swear or talk shit about people when she gets on the show. Good luck with that.
Jack on set. Big Blonde Pacey Girlfriend yells at Jack something about him claiming to have seen her naked. Jack swears a lot and then jumps out of the car, smiling at himself. He's wrapped, and everyone claps. Jack asks BBPG if she lives in L.A. "Yeah," she says, and then silence. It's probably edited this way, but it looks as if she totally snubs him. It's more fun to think that's what happened.
Germany. Top of the Pops. English girls backstage tells Kelly she'll be fine. Kelly is dressed up. She tells us Ozzy did the show thirty-one years ago. We see a clip of Ozzy performing. Wow. The show starts. They're cueing the "track." A flashpot goes off as the band pretends to play. Kelly swears, but then makes it on stage and begins lip-syncing like a pro.
Meanwhile…Malibu. Sharon and the dogs are out on the log. (But which side of the log?) Sharon asks Ozzy where he got the rocks. Hee. He then asks if they have their fishing poles at the house. They do. Ozzy asks if they have cheese, and then gets up. Sharon is asking what the hell he's doing.
Inside, Ozzy gets some cheese, and tells us that he's going to put the cheese on the hook. "Fish like cheese," he says, adding "…sometimes. Some fish like cheese." Yes! Best quote of the show, right there. Some random helper lady helps him with the cheese, and he jokes that he's going to catch a cold.
Now Ozzy stands in the waves, fishing. God. Someone hold him up. Oh, and there's his friend, grabbing him when waves come. Hee. Ozzy yells at the ocean, and then falls over. Sharon cackles.
time…Sharon tells us that Kelly has a boyfriend. It's Bert, a singer from some band. The whole family is making a fuss, waiting to meet him. Jack tells Kelly what Bert's nickname in his band is. But it's all swear words, because we just hear beeps. Hee. Sharon says that if she were Bert, she'd come meet the parents. Ozzy waves from behind a waterfall in the pool. Sharon then tells us she doesn't think Kelly is coming home tonight. Ozzy mumbles that Sharon shouldn't worry about Kelly with this boy. Jack and Kelly run screaming at each other, and Ozzy yells, "This will end in tears." Then Sharon tells Kelly that she can "get it from kissing him." "For fuck's sake, Mom!" says Kelly. And that's it! See ya week, when hopefully MTV will get their bleeping captioning working. If any show needs it, this is the one. Seriously, people.