What are we all still doing here?
Oz and Sharon are in bed. Ozzy says Sharon has to buy another dog because they currently have thirteen and he "hates thirteen." After nine, how do you even know how many dogs you have, anyway? Sharon argues that they don't have thirteen and then counts them off, wacky montage fashion. It's only twelve. But Ozzy's using the metric system, so he thinks it's thirteen. Sharon realizes she probably skipped one. Ozzy says he needs to buy a gun. Shooting is his hobby. "So you can buy the dogs and then I'll shoot them." Crazy! Hey, but that's how it goes.
Ozzy climbs his staircase, counting off dead dogs. He points to each black and white photograph and announces, "Dead!" From somewhere in the house Sharon screams for Ozzy to shut up, as one of the dogs he declared dead apparently isn't. "The coyotes ate them all!" Ozzy says.
Sharon's in bed, doing her favorite thing: watching herself on television. She's watching herself in bed with Alec Baldwin (who, in his smoking jacket, can easily be mistaken for George Hamilton) and...who is that other girl? It doesn't matter. Sharon buries her face in her hands and then wails out to Ozzy: "Oh, Daddy!" She complains that she just got a letter informing her that she has to work harder on the show. Just getting out of bed might be working harder, Sharon. Ozzy sits on the edge of the bed to hear more details. Sharon goes from whining to cackling as she explains that the "guy" who runs everything told her she has to make her show better because people are tuning in and then tuning out. Or in the case of most people I know, never bothering to confirm that Sharon Osbourne has a talk show. Ozzy asks what more could she do. Sharon has no idea. She thinks she might have to get out her "old tits." If you have thirteen dogs, do you really need stuffed animals of dogs on tables? Sharon does. Ozzy busts into the old-guy shuffle, miming insane tap-dancing, asking if that's what they want from Sharon. That's what I want from this season of The Osbournes, that's for sure. Ozzy busts into the moonwalk. Maybe you could fall over in a chair, Sharon. That worked for Ozzy for the first season.
KTLA in Los Angeles. The tower on Sunset. Kelly, in full dominatrix gear, is talking with Sharon as she gets dressed. Kelly says something that makes me finally break down and turn on the closed captioning, because after four tries I still don't know what she says: "Please be on my show and come talk with me and Marilyn Manson." Sharon says that's exactly what she wanted to ask her daughter. "I hate you," Kelly says. She tells her mother she'll think about it. She prances around in her princess tutu while Sharon moves her chemo machine to get on her knees and beg her daughter to help her out, as she's been the manager for the rest of the family their entire lives. Kelly tells her mother to get away and runs to the closet. Sharon follows, on her knees. I guess they're not at KTLA at all. Kelly says it stinks in the closet. Sharon says she thinks Ozzy might have "dropped one" in there. Ozzy shits in his closet? Someone might want to add another medication to his list to prevent that one. Kelly says it's cheesy if she comes on her mother's show all the time. Sharon insists that it's not all the time and that this would be the last time. Kelly says she'll hold Sharon to that. Sharon promises. Kelly whines that she doesn't want to host the show with Sharon, and that she doesn't have enough time in her busy day of pouting to do something as stupid as that. Kelly screams that she doesn't want to host her mother's show. Sharon screams that it's an hour. Kelly screams back, "That's why it's the Sharon Osbourne Show!" Those two lines are then repeated five times.
Sharon calls her Plan C: her son. Jack's at home, not doing anything but working on his transformation into Harry Knowles, trying to master juggling with one ball. Sharon asks him to come on her show. Jack says no and hangs up. Asshole! The Sharon Osbourne Show puts Oxycontin on your table!
Ozzy talks about the amount of construction that goes on at the house. We get to see some of it in time-lapse footage. Ozzy babbles that the crew will go away, only to come back and do more major work on the house. And...scene! Such hijinks and hilarity! This show hasn't lost a step!
A big gold statue is revealed. Workers debate how to get the thousand-pound statue into the house. They decide they'll need fourteen people to carry the thing, which will lighten the load to "less than a thousand pounds per person." And...scene again! Osbournes, you're awesome!
Sharon comes home from a hard day at the office. She tells Ozzy that she wouldn't do anything they asked her to do and instead covered herself from forehead to toe in panty liners. She says they made a complaint against her today. Ozzy asks what a panty liner is. I will need worker's compensation for the following moment, when Sharon pats her vagina lovingly and says, "What you put in...when you have a period." Fuck another dog, this family needs a house gyno to explain All Things Vagina. Ozzy notes that his wife covered in feminine protection might get a few more people watching. Sharon says the man told her she has to make this show her main priority and then it'll be better. Ozzy doesn't understand. I have a feeling I'll be typing those three words more often this year. Kelly tells her not to do a third season then, and just quit. There's an idea! Sharon says she is going to quit. "Before I get fired!" She says she's pretty sure she's going to get fired. A dog barks, and Ozzy tells it to shut up. Sharon uses that segue to tell her husband she needs him to come and do the show as a guest. Ozzy says it's not his "gig" and then immediately changes the subject by yelling at a dog who bit his ass.
A gigantic man is attempting to break into Jack's room. Jack is sleeping. The guy identifies himself only as "RTG" and tells Jack it's time to go.
"Meanwhile," workers attempt to move the statue. After an "uno" and a "dos," the one guy who speaks English shouts, "Let's go!" and starts lifting. Way to give yourself a hernia, dude. Do you not even know "tres"? Jackhole. Then he's all, "If anybody has a problem, just say something." What an idiot.
Sleepy Jack works out with RTG.
The statue.
Jack runs while drinking a strawberry shake. I may have pinpointed the source of your weight problem, Jack.
The statue. I'm so bored, I'm now meditating.
Jack.
Statue.
Dog.
Jack tells Ozzy that it's the funniest thing that so many men have to lift the statue. Oh, it's fun when we hire cheap labor, isn't it? Ozzy is so impressed with the spectacle that he must curse. Why is this television? Ozzy, as if he heard my question, announces that this statue is a six-million-dollar Buddha. Wow. That man has way too much money. Ozzy walks around his house enjoying the way the word "Buddha" sounds when he says it. The exhausted men lower the Buddha in the backyard just in time for Ozzy to punchline, "I wanted it out in the front!" Crazy! Hey, but that's how it goes...
Ozzy makes out with his Buddha. "I've got to learn Buddhism now." I get it. It's like people out here in L.A. and the Kabala. Spend the money, then learn what the hell you've gotten yourself into.
Sharon tells an interviewer that she loves doing a show every week. Isn't it a daily show? Seriously, I didn't even realize it was actually on. I thought it was a joke. Anyway, this kicks off The Montage of Sharon's Show! Whee! A staff meeting of four people listening to Sharon complain while an MTV-worthy song narrates in the background. "Clever" editing makes it look like Ozzy hangs up on Sharon when she asks him to co-host. More montaging and editing so it looks like Sharon spends days trying to talk Ozzy into doing her show.
Kelly trips over her Prada on the stairs and stubs her precious princess toe. She wails and falls and waits for someone to pick up what she dropped and carry her up the rest of the stupid stairs that she never asked to be put there anyway! She hates you! Fuck off!
Back in bed, where this show's main set is located, Ozzy and Sharon tease Kelly about her shaggy, stupid haircut. Kelly doesn't want to take her hair out of her face. Ozzy tells her she looks like she wants to sniff another dog's ass. He asks how old she's about to be. Kelly says she'll never get to grow up anyway, and when she's fifty they'll still make her live there. Oh, right. They're making you live there rent-free. Yeah, I know how that goes. More clever editing to make it look like Sharon brings up her show again, but notice we never see anyone say these lines, and they aren't really talking about anything, or they could be talking about a charity function that Ozzy just found out about and doesn't want to attend.
Ozzy tells "us" that Sharon always does this, just tells him little bits of information and never the entire story and then suddenly he's hoodwinked into doing something he wouldn't want to do, like stand in a bath of ice water with no clothes on. His words, not mine.
Back in bed, Sharon tells Ozzy it's up to him. Ozzy says off-camera that this is her fucking show. Sharon says that Ozzy can't leave her unescorted. Kelly tells her mother not to give her father a guilt trip. "Because you lie," she says. Sharon tells her daughter to shut up. She calls her a drama queen. Ozzy says he's always the one catching Sharon. Sharon pouts. "It's just me and my cancer." She doesn't say that, but kind of. Hey, does Sharon have eye-makeup tattooed on, or does she sleep in full eyeliner? Either way: ew. Ozzy says he'll come on the show.
Ozzy tells someone that he's going to be on Sharon's show because she asked him to. Sharon calls Shannen Doherty "Shannon Dockidee," which I think we should all start calling her. Ozzy calls her "Sharon Dockidoo." She-sells-she-shells-sha-na-na's-my-favorite-group! Sharon tells Ozzy that he'll know who Shannon Dockidee is when he sees her. She holds up a photo; Ozzy recognizes her. He takes a closer look at the photo. "What's that?" he asks. "Her crotch," Sharon answers. We can't see the photo. "What's that up her crotch?" Ozzy asks. Sharon: "Her knickers." Ozzy (bemused): "Oh!" Sharon calls Shannon Dockidee a naughty girl. Ozzy corrects her, saying Shannon is his kind of girl. Wait. Does she have a front wedgie? Sharon says Miss Dockidee is very pretty. Ozzy says he can't see her face. He's seen her vagina and left tit, but that's it. That's the closest this episode has come to entertaining.
Sharon's show! Remember how that Roseanne reality show about the Roseanne cooking show sounded boring? That's because it would have looked something like this episode, which is just an extended advertisement for Sharon's show. Oh, how pouty poor Sharon is because nobody watches her show.
Ozzy's led backstage, handlers coddling his every doddering step. A prop master teaches Ozzy how to use a fake knife with blood. The group is easily amused, and they just about break into thunderous applause over Ozzy using the knife to fake-cut his arm. Ozzy immediately goes over to Sharon to show her the trick. Sharon gags like Ozzy just snorted wasabi.
Man, I hope Ozzy has shown up for the Halloween episode, otherwise Sharon's show really sucks. The PA is dressed as a cat. They show Ozzy the pumpkin with his face carved into it. Ozzy admires it. The cat shows Ozzy where his co-hosting throne is. This is the first Ozzy's heard that he's co-hosting the show. I've heard it seventeen times already, so apparently Ozzy just doesn't listen.
Ozzy complains that Sharon never tells him the whole story. Sharon is too busy getting her makeup done as Ozzy complains about being overwhelmed. Sharon says he's already here. Ozzy is frantic and nervous and goes into babble overdrive. Everybody hates being more famous than Sharon. He says this isn't fair. "You're really out of order, boo," he says. Somebody call Eugene Levy.
Ozzy's still complaining as he gets his makeup. He's so unhappy. This is one pouty family. Nothing will console him.
Time to meet Mrs. Dockidoodledoo. Shannen hugs Sharon and tells her she looks amazing. Shannen either isn't dressed yet or is only wearing her nipple implants for today's show. Sharon takes this moment to learn Shannen's actual name. Sharon is dressed as Morticia Addams. Good thing they told me, or I might not have figured that out. I thought perhaps she was going as Elvira.
Dennis Rodman isn't as impressed with meeting Sharon. Sharon asks Dennis if he's having a wobbler today. "Are we having a little fit?" She asks Dennis if he's got some kind of problem and if he wants to fight. Dennis is unhappy with the way his Q rating has plummeted into obscurity over the years, and is about as stoked as Ozzy to be on the Sharon Osbourne show today. Sharon tells Dennis he's pissed off. I bet Dennis is pissed because they're covering his face in red makeup and dressing him like a bull or a devil or something. "What the fuck's the matter with you?" Sharon asks him a few times. Dennis decides quiet is better than slapping her across the face. He's pissy that he wasn't invited to Carmen's wedding so he can be in the somehow-more-interesting thirty minutes of this MTV programming hour. Dennis promises he'll put on a happy face once he's out in front of the cameras, and then she can ask him anything. Sharon says they'll go when he's ready and that she waits for him. She tells him to cheer up. She kisses Dennis on the cheek. Dennis is clearly counting seconds until he's out of there with a gift bag. Sharon tells him not to give her any shit out there.
Ozzy and Sharon kill some time in "Corinne" the cat's office. Corinne wishes Kelly was there to see them in costume. Man, no matter how many Osbournes they get, there's always a different one they want. Sharon says she looks like a drag queen. Sharon coos over how cute the dogs look in their costumes. One dog dances around its newly pooed poo. Take that, Corinne! Sharon says that Corrine will be furious, so they'd better "hide" the poo. Has this family ever disposed of dog shit properly? Corinne comes back in to fetch her tail while Sharon tries to hide the poo. She covers it in some of Corinne's documents that were just sitting on her desk, not doing anything. Then Sharon covers the poo with Corinne's birth certificate, wedding photo, purse, cell phone, toothbrush -- whatever she doesn't really need. Sharon crumples the poo inside whatever those documents were and hands it off to Thankless Task Man, who is always there and never speaks. Ozzy realizes that there's shit in that bundle of papers that used to belong to Corinne. Sharon dances around whining over the shit smell. This is what television has become. I weep. I weep. Thankless Task Man has no idea where to take the shit, because someone will see him, and certainly smell him, walking around with a pile of poo inside the TPS reports. Sharon's got shit on her hand. Shot of dog dressed as Ozzy. They decide to get out of there before Corinne gets back, but Ozzy finds another pile. This show doesn't have enough commercial breaks.
Sharon's show starts. Ozzy and Sharon take a seat. Sharon tells the audience to cheer for her husband and says she fibbed to him to get him here today. Ozzy doesn't understand. The remarkably unattractive crowd goes wild. Sharon once again says "Shannen Dockidee." In her green room, Shannen Dockidee takes a shit on the floor, as that's the only real way to get Sharon to notice her. Corinne, Sharon, and Ozzy say the word "Doherty" enough that it sounds as made-up as it is. Yay, Blooper Reel! Sharon fucks the name up again. They complain about the fog machine. If you've never been sitting in front of a fog machine, you don't know how terrible it is to breathe that stuff. I had the worst asthma attack of my life after getting blasted in the face with one of those things. Eventually Ozzy interrupts Sharon on-screen to say Shannen Doherty's name correctly. Ozzy screams "Trick or Treat!" and then tries to leave the set, thinking his work here is done. Ozzy's not used to working for more than three minutes and thirty seconds at a time.
On the drive home, Ozzy complains about Sharon's lies. Thankless Task Man tells him what's happening tomorrow. He's got an interview. Then the stylist is measuring him for his European television appearance. Ozzy's all, "The who?"
Cut to: Dame Edna arm-in-arm with Ozzy. Wah wah wah waaaaaaah!
week: Jack's more dangerous than the Noxzema girl late for an audition.