The list of things the media has ruined with overexposure is huge. Numerous celebrities started hitting the pipe because of the sudden fame. (Hi, Gretchen Mol post-Vanity Fair nipple cover.) Countless TV shows promptly jumped the shark because of all the pressure. (Aaron Sorkin, did you drop something?) Hundreds of bands with catchy debut singles couldn't, or refused to, make a second album that would satisfy the heightened expectations of their sudden fans. (Sorry, Len. That was it. All you get.) But for some reason, that doesn't seem to have happened, so far, to The Osbournes. In Hollywood terms: In this case, like that of The Simpsons, the product remains, despite the total media saturation, solid. In normal conversational terms: The show still kicks ass.
Ozzy, in his black workout gear with headband, shows his only ally in the house, the cameraman, how simple his television is, compared to all the other ultra-complicated gadgets in the house. He says that he's been going on about simplicity and this is what he means, and proceeds to show how when you hit power, it comes on. The clicker is simple. The volume control is simple. "Piece of piss," he calls it, which I guess is a good thing. He then says it works every time, and turns it on only to find some new DirectTV-looking scrolling menu at the top of the screen. He mumbles about "What the fuck is this?" and "This is not allowed, what's happened to it?" His brain very slowly tries to compute and figure out what's happened, but it can't. Finally, he puts down the remote and yells, "Jack!"
And once again we get the cheerful theme song. Man, I missed this. New photos for the "characters'" credits. Sharon looks beautiful, but skinny. Jack spits water into the sink. Kelly laughs, holding onto a mic. And Ozzy dances around in the living room.
"What Goes Up…" the first titles read. And then there's Lola, eating grass in the yard. The person the popularity of the show has done the most good for is Lola. There is no way that she would ever end up in the pound if the fam decided they'd had enough of her alien shits in the house. Other dogs fight. Sharon pets Arthur, and then Pipi, who is home. I guess someone found Pipi. I hope they caught the thief. The bastards. Four other dogs watch as Lola distance-pukes on the lawn. Nice. Welcome to Season Two.
Ozzy stands at the side of his house, throwing knives into a wood target and missing every one with a big clang. Kelly stands nearby, holding her pussy. (A cat! C'mon, I have to make that lame joke every once in a while. It's good for the blood.) When a knife ricochets too close, she bails, saying, "Fuck this, I'm outta here." Good call, missy.
Jack, riding for some reason in a short bus past the house, calls a maid or something, telling them to turn on the sprinklers because there are people standing on their lawn. We then cut to a tourist girl peeking in the big wood gate, and jets of water blasting her in the face. Hee. That rules. I wish I had one of those for when someone lets their dog shit on my lawn and doesn't clean it up. Oh, yeah, I do. It's called a hose. Meanwhile, Ozzy continues his unsuccessful knife-throwing.
Inside, Sharon holds one of the dogs, and all seven or whatever others go apeshit with jealousy. Seriously, I'm telling you. I'm glad there are people who like yippy dogs, because otherwise I might lead an effort to de-breed them. Jack voice-overs, "I fucking hate everyone in this fucking family." Hee. Kelly then starts yelling at Jack, and Sharon calms them down.
Sharon shows Bad Nanny Melinda a gold filling that fell out. She swallowed it and then it took ten days for it to come out of her body. Oh Lord, I don't want to even think of how she searched for it every day. I think there's a term for that sort of behavior. Ozzy tells us that they're going to Washington D.C. that night because they've been invited to a press dinner at the White House with the President. He goes on that he's a "street guy" from Birmingham and he can't believe he's going. Sharon then sits with Ozzy, trying to get him to pick out the proper watch and jewelry for the event. Ozzy wants the Van Cleef, but Sharon tries to get him to pick something that's right for evening. (There's a difference between day watches and evening watches? Jesus, I'm not ready for proper society.) Ozzy then camera-talks that he doesn't know etiquette and that he scratches his ass when he feels like it; he's sure that at the event he'll be constantly elbowed in the ribs by Sharon. Yes, I think that's a safe bet.
Upstairs, Jack puts on his Gas Mask And Helmet Of Exposition as he tells us that Kelly covered Madonna's "Papa Don't Preach" and will be performing it live on the MTV Movie Awards. Jack goes on to play a first-person shooter game on his laptop, wearing full gear. If he weren't so level-headed and witty, I'd really worry about that kid.
In the kitchen, the clan listens to Kelly's song. Ozzy grabs Kelly, making her dance. Kelly laughs and whines and screeches for Ozzy to stop. Finally she screams, as one of the cats looks on in disgust -- which is pretty much how all of our cats look at us all the time. Jack, playing drums, then tells us helpfully that he had "a hand" in getting Kelly signed, and she refuses to acknowledge that. Kelly and Jack then argue in the living room over her not wanting to have an all-"chick" band. Jack calls her a "sexualist." (Ew, did he just call his sister sexy?) Kelly goes on to say that Jack just made up that word. Jack launches into a speech about spider monkeys and tripping on acid, which I'm just going to guess is Dennis Hopper from Apocalypse Now. Kelly has nothing to say to the maybe-Hopper.
Ozzy and Sharon leave, amidst Jack's calls for "group hugs." In the short bus, Ozzy and Sharon argue over her desire to give the president a pair of cufflinks as a gift. Ozzy doesn't think he's allowed to accept gifts. What, would his advisors be afraid they'd have poison tips? Actually, that would be a cool Bond gadget. I have to remember that. Commercials.
Private plane. Ozzy makes out with one of the dogs as another looks on jealously. They drive, passing D.C. monuments, wondering with glee what they are. Sharon fakes calling the president as Ozzy tells Sharon he's starting to get nervous.
Meanwhile, in Hollywood, an Asian woman tries to get in the gate (I don't think she's an interloper) and Jack, holding a remote control, sprays her with water and then dances around. Hee.
Kelly arrives at a studio for rehearsal. She is shown to her trailer. Inside the rehearsal hall, Kelly and Jack fight over his little bottle of spritz. Jack begins making fun of her for having a hit song. Melinda says spritz in the ear could give Jack an infection. "No, it couldn't!" announces Dr. Kelly. Jack then bitches, "Kelly, stop spraying my Prada jacket." Kelly tells Jack that that was the gayest thing he's ever said. Hee. Even Jack has to agree. They then threaten to wipe their asses with each other's stuff, and each other.
Jack camera-talks that Kelly wanted to be famous -- he never did -- and she got what she wanted and he's happy for her. The Who's "Happy Jack" kicks in as we get a montage of Jack fucking around. He looks for Sarah Michelle Gellar at her dressing room door and then puts a fire extinguisher in front of someone else's door. That kid is both thirty-five and eight. He tells Kelly not to trip coming down the stairs onstage, and holds one of the dogs for Kelly to kiss. They fight. Kelly runs away giggling.
Hotel room. D.C. We pan up from an unseen piece of shit on the carpet (the dog's or Ozzy's?) to Sharon, who gets made up. She tells Ozzy that he looks like Harrison Ford, and he responds that he looks more like Glenn Close. Hee. He then calls Sharon "Betty Boop." Ozzy calls her a cunt and she laughs, but he apologizes. Ozzy then lays down his theory to us about how you really can't say "cunt" to a woman. Did Ozzy just realize that? Wow. He probably has some scratch marks on him from the years of not knowing that.
Ozzy then sits, getting made up. His face looks paralyzed, his mouth agape. Hee. Ozzy then goes on about not wanting to wear a belt, but then he freaks for some reason when Sharon says she'll sew his pants up. Sharon's day is never done as she has to convince Ozzy to let the dude do his hair; she thinks he's afraid he's going to look like Dame Edna. But once in the chair, Ozzy tells the stylist not to make him look like Cher. Okay, I'd be scared of that too.
For some reason face-liftress Greta Van Susteren from Fox News comes to pick them up, along with a guy I guess is her husband. Ozzy announces he's taking off for England right after the event, which Greta says will be either "fun" or "bad." That's why she works for CNN.
Press dinner. Madhouse. Ozzy kisses Sharon for the photographers. Someone asks Ozzy if he's ever thought of entering politics. Ozzy looks up and says, "Fuck you." Hee. Some senator introduces himself to Ozzy, and then Sharon accosts one of the military leaders whose name I don't care to look up and asks him what the awards on his suit mean. "Not a doggoned thing," he says. Hee. Sharon points to someone. It's Harrison Ford! It's Dr. Ruth! (She's still alive?) It's Wolf Blitzer, Connie Chung, and some blonde ho!
Inside the massive banquet hall, President Bush runs through the list of people at the dinner. "Washington power brokers. Celebrities. Hollywood stars. Ozzy Osbourne." He pronounces Ozzy's name wrong, but no one seems to notice as the crowd laughs its ass off. Ozzy stands up, giving a huge seven-year-old smile. But then he quickly thinks he should sit down, and he does, dropping the smile. But then he changes his mind again and stands, blowing kisses and laughing. Hee. It's pretty damn cute.
Afterwards, Ozzy, probably drunk, screams in jest at the cameras and in Sharon's ear. Then in the limo he thanks Greta and "John" and says that he had the best night of his life tonight. Aw. We see him stand up and cheer again. And…commercials.
Back. Plane. London. Ozzy tells us that he remembers his first public appearance, which was in a fire station in Birmingham in front of four people. He was terrified.
In America, the crew rides in a short bus and talks to Ozzy on the phone. Sharon tells Jack he smells nice, and Jack says it's because he showered. Kelly asks Ozzy why he threw a TV out the window. God. What's happening to Ozzy? Jack says that throwing a TV out of a hotel window is very 1982. Sharon deadpans that it's more 1972. Kelly tells Dad not to "fuck around." Kelly then tells a pleasant story about how one of the cats eats from the cat box, and everyone "ews," and then Jack asks if they can not talk about "boogers and vomit and shit." Sharon then asks Jack who are his two guests for the MTV show. Kelly yells that the two people he mentions are allowed to come, and Jack tells her to just worry about her "little performance." Kelly then wishes that someone would beat Jack up at the show, and Jack wishes that her album would fail. And at that, and only at that, does Sharon step in and tell him to shut up. Jack crossed the line. Jack then bitches that he doesn't even want his friends there now because "the singer is not happy." Kelly yells that Jack can't be happy for anyone else, and they all three keep yelling as we fade to the MTV Movie Awards red carpet.
Ben Affleck emerges from a van looking like he'd just finished his first day at rehab and it wasn't going so well. Jennifer Garner and Knoll. Natalie Portman. Jack makes a home movie with his little camera. Jack tells some stupid MTV interviewer the part about him helping to get Kelly signed. Hee. She then asks if Kelly sings in the shower, and Jack says that he doesn't look at his sister in the shower. Kelly hugs Ja Rule. Jack is very uncooperative with the interviewers over and over. It's really very funny. Kelly signs autographs. Jack calls himself a leech.
Inside, Jack searches for Natalie Portman. Andrew W.K. schmoozes with Jack. Jack just wants to hang out with Natalie. Then she walks past and we see Jack's video in slo-mo. After, Jack talks to guys who are all a foot taller and a decade older about how the "seed was planted" in that one walk-by, and then Jack reverts to his age when he says, "Amazing ass."
Kelly is nervous right before going on. Jack runs to try to find his sister. Kelly gets make-up touch-ups. Meanwhile, Ozzy is in London waiting to do a live intro, and Sharon stands backstage nervously. Ozzy rehearses, fucking up. Hee. Jack keeps running to get a good view. Finally he finds Natalie Portman, and she lets him sit on her lap. He says that his "goal was achieved." Natalie Portman laughs like, "Who the fuck is this little pudgy creep?" Then Ozzy comes on the screen and says, "I couldn't be there, because I'm here. But here's a young, new, charming singer. Fuck me. It's my daughter, Kelly Osbourne."
Jack videotapes from near the stage as Kelly descends the stairs and yells, "Come on you guys, get the fuck up!" Sharon nervously watches from backstage as Kelly lip-syncs. Quickly it's over, and Kelly comes to Sharon backstage and everyone yells and cheers.
Later in the limo, Kelly and Jack ride with their heads on Sharon's shoulders. Kelly didn't think she could do it. Do what? Mouth along with her own song? Shit, I could do that, and I can't even sing. The limo stops at McDonald's on Sunset, which has a really tight tunnel drive-thru. A limo can't make it through there. Anyway, Jack is very excited that the "McRib is back," and Kelly starts making fun of him. Jack says it's the little things that count. Sharon laughs. Jack says, "Fuck you and your little singing thingie." Jack says that just because he's so good-looking…Kelly keeps on making fun, and Jack weakly says that she wishes she could get excited over little things like that. They arrive at home.
A group of dorks chants for Ozzy outside the gate. Jack sprays them and they jump around, happy. Jack smiles.
Kelly drags bags downstairs, announcing that she's going to New York for two months to finish recording her album. Sharon cleans up poo, and then suddenly they're on the private plane. Kelly sleeps as Sharon camera-talks about how everything has happened so quickly and everyone is doing their own projects…and we see shots of Kelly recording, Ozzy touring, and Jack sitting on a ladder waiting to spray interlopers. Hee. Sharon continues that everything is really going great, and she thinks that something has to come now and "knock [them] on [their] chins." She says prophetically that something has to happen.
time…"Mama I'm Coming Home" plays as Sharon tells us that the doctors found cancer in her colon. Kelly tells us that when she found out, it was like someone had stabbed her in the chest. Ozzy drinks, Sharon telling us that Ozzy has been "self-medicating." We see Ozzy on tour backstage, listening to two dorks telling him how when they stopped drinking they found Jesus. Ozzy gets up and walks away. Hee. Quick shots of Jack jumping off the Santa Monica pier, breaking his elbow. Jack sits with a sling on his arm. Ozzy wants to come home. They build a fire, but it gets out of control. A caged bird is freaking out, so a worried Ozzy picks it up and puts the head in his mouth.