Hey, yeah. So the Crazy Train is leaving the station one more time. Won't you come along? No? Please? C'mon, I don't want to do this alone. I mean, the initial spark of the show was overhyped right out of the thing about nine months and twenty magazine covers ago. So what do we do? Well, I guess we just sit back and enjoy the family for what they are -- and rejoice that we're not watching I'm With Busey.
The season opens with Ozzy and Sharon in the kitchen. Ozzy is whistling as Sharon deseeds an avocado and talks about what to do for Jack's seventeenth birthday --how it's not the big one but they still want to do something good. Ozzy keeps on whistling. Sharon says she thinks she's going to get him a watch. Ozzy whistling again. Now, the problem here is that it's in two separate shots and so obviously Ozzy was listening and whistling some other time and so they just created fake comedy with editing, which is very disingenuous and if you have half a brain you'll immediately know it's just a Boy With An Avid, and not "reality" or "funny." Yes, I know, editing is a huge part of crafting story in reality television, but generally things that didn't happen aren't just made up. Ozzy didn't whistle through Sharon's story. That did not happen. They just made you think that happened. Rise up! Don't be fooled!
All right, credits. You'd think they would have mixed it up a little, but it's the same credit sequence. That was one of the best things about The Cosby Show -- getting to see the new credit sequence every season. No one does that anymore. Friends sort of, but they're still using the same umbrella shots. By the way, the other night I came across a Red Shoe Diaries -- not that I'm prone to watching Zalman King late-night soft-core porn -- but anyway, it was starring a very young Matt LeBlanc. Try to find it some night. It's very funny to see Joey fucking some girl in an elevator. I wonder if he told the folks at Warner Bros. Casting about the gig before the hired him for Friend. I bet not. Oh, and I guess The Drew Carey Show does new credit sequences, but that's all rumor and hearsay for me since I've never actually watched an episode.
By the way, this episode is called "What A Boy Wants."
House. (Which I drove by, by the way. A few months ago. Visiting friends wanted to see it and we took them. I was ashamed, but I did it. Got a few photos. Yes, I'm a big dorky tourist.) Sharon sits getting her makeup done as Kelly sits around watching. Sharon makes Kelly say that she's hot and sexy, and then Sharon says, "Christina!" And Kelly says, "No, that's bad sexy. That's 'I walk on Hollywood & Vine.' That's not sexy at all." (For those not in the know -- she's calling Christina a hooker.) Kelly adds that there is a quote in Heat magazine from Kelly talking about Xtina (which I will from now on call her because I hate trying to spell her last name -- and I also think it's lame enough to be humorous) in which Kelly said that she thinks Xtina is one of the most awful human beings in the world -- that she has an amazing voice but that she's a fucking cunt, or something like that. Kelly says that she, herself, is such a bitch and Sharon says, just think, it all stems back from last Christmas...
CUT TO: Last Christmas. During dinner, Kelly imitates Xtina singing "Jingle Bells" with all the melismas and pauses and vocal show-offery. The whole family laughs, except Ozzy, who just watches blankly, not knowing what holiday it is and who these kids are sitting around his table.
Night. Sharon's bedroom. Kelly is reading a magazine article about Sharon and talking about how Xtina's had people kissing her ass since she was twelve. Pot, kettle. Kettle, pot. Robert asks whether Kelly's seen Xtina's new video, and Kelly says it's hellacious. Sharon asks why. Robert -- "like"-ing all over the place; he sort of sounds like one of the Strange Brew brothers when he talks, it's weird -- says that Xtina's nearly naked in it, and Kelly adds that she's just like the kid in Parenthood who comes out in chaps with his "willy" out. You know, I always knew Xtina had a cock. Now I have to see this video. Sharon warns Kelly that she should stop shit-talking about other girl singers adding that, if asked, Kelly should just say Xtina's "great." "Why would I say that? I don't think she's great," says Kelly. And seriously, not only is that what makes Kelly different from other kiss-asses, but also it's exactly what Sharon has never done. Or maybe she has and she's so good we just don't know it.
Day. Driving. Ozzy and Bitchboy. They discuss what to get Jack for his birthday in two days. Ozzy wants to get him "something cool." Tom says that Jack's a good kid. "He's the fucking best, man," says Ozzy. Ha. That's sweet. (Poor Son Ozzy Hates.)
Ozzy arrives at the dentist. Ozzy immediately says "Nitrous" upon walking in. Hee. They say they're ready with the nitrous and that this is where the fun begins, and Ozzy repeats, "Nitrous." The dentist is being really inappropriate and saying stuff like "Yeah!" and "We got the special Ozzy level," like he's handing out balloons at a kegger. Ozzy takes deep breaths and says he can't feel it. The dentist says he knows it's working because he's even starting to feel it, so he leaves. Ozzy complains that it's a fucking joke and that he can't feel anything. The hygienist turns up the nitrous. She asks if it's better. "No," Ozzy tells her. She turns it up. And again he says, "No." She turns it up again. She has him take some deep breaths. Ozzy's hands fly up and he breathes in. I think we cut to later because Ozzy is groaning, and then the hygienist asks if he wants to "take a rinse" or he wants to "sit up." Ozzy sort of half sits up staring blankly, muttering. She keeps trying to get him to take a rinse and he just sits there. Hee. Man, it's sort of scary in a way, but mostly just hella funny.
House. Day. Sharon is getting her makeup done, as usual, and Jack comes in and announces what he'd like to do for his birthday: he wants to go to Medieval Times. Sharon says that she would love that. Jack says that someone is working but that they have to cancel it because it's his goddamn birthday and he wants to joust. They all discuss whether Medieval Times is open on weekdays, and he goes to make a call. Jack is wearing a Mickey Mouse t-shirt, which I'm pretty sure hasn't come around to being ironically funny to wear, yet. Or did I miss the memo? More people discuss the jousting, and I almost wish that, for any decision I had to make, I had tons of people just there at my house to debate it. And I wish I had a $6 million house, but that's beside the point. Sharon yells for Jack to get Medieval Times on the phone "right fucking now." What a loon.
Dentist. The hygienist finishes and sits Ozzy up. He's out of his mind. She asks if he wants to rinse and he mutters, "Uh, no." Then she points out the sink and he slowly reaches over to grab the cup. He picks up the cup...and puts it to his forehead. What? He tries again, missing his mouth by about six inches. Holy shit, that's one of the funniest things I've ever seen. I don't know much about medicine, but I'm thinking maybe they pumped a little too much nitrous into that poor guy. And anyway, shouldn't he really not be doing that stuff with everything else he's on? Ozzy is like one big walking drug interaction. Ozzy puts the cup to his head one more time as we go to commercials.
Dentist. They put Ozzy on straight oxygen and then, done, move him into another room. He asks the new hygienist if there's any nitrous in this room. Hee. She says she'll go ask. Ozzy gets some weird tooth guard thing on as they check out his caps or something. He mutters, "Nitrous."
Recording studio. Kelly and Bad Nanny are talking about how Robert cried when he saw the rock they put with his name on it in the back yard. Aw. That's very sweet. Suddenly, there is a knock on the door and Bad Nanny goes to see who it is. She comes back to report that Xtina is out there, wearing a short skirt and a hoodie, waiting for Kelly. Oh shit. This is just like Jam Master Jay! Don't go out there. But Kelly does, walking down the hall with her people. "I could break her. She's like a twig," says Kelly. They walk through this big open space, coming to a kitchen where some worker lady is. Now Kelly is talking about how Xtina just smacked her arm. What? I guess they had a run-in which they weren't allowed to show. That sucks. This isn't very well-explained. The worker lady infers that Xtina is not well-liked around there. Kelly says that Xtina's a cunt. Whoa. So they just fought? Thanks for showing it, dicks.
House. Night. Jack's room. Hangers-on. They talk about how there are two cabs full of girls coming over. Nice.
Downstairs. Kelly is leaving, and Sharon asks where she's going. Kelly says she's going to get raped in a back alley and do crack. That's so weird -- that's what I did last night. She adds that she's going to a club but doesn't know the name of it. Sharon asks to come along and Kelly really wants her to -- Sharon says she'll come out on Friday for Jack's birthday. Kelly scrunches up her face into an immediate scowl whenever she gets a chance. It's so bratty it's almost endearing. Almost. Kelly suddenly starts talking about what to get Jack for his birthday. He'll just lose jewelry, he has all the computer games, he won't wear clothes she buys, and he can't drive or she'd buy him a car. A car!? Jesus. My sister forgot my birthday this year...and Kelly's considering buying her brother a car. Man, I need a new sister. (Just kidding. Love you!) Sharon goes all Mom on her, trying to get her to wear a coat. Kelly says, "I'm sexy! Sort of." Someone puts a coat on Kelly and she leaves, as Lola licks Sharon.
Bed. Ozzy and Sharon watch Access Hollywood. At first, Nelly is rapping. Then a story comes on about the Kelly/Xtina feud and how Kelly made fun of Xtina's Christmas CD and then called her "one of the most disgusting human beings in the entire world." And Kelly said, "I've seen drag queens who look better." Ha. Now that's pretty funny. Ozzy says, "You're fucking kidding me."
Jack's room. He's on the phone talking about a night he just had out where he was being anti-social at the bar and Xtina called him over so he went and sat down with her. Why does this kid even get to go to bars? I'm retroactively pissed that I had to steal beer and shoulder-tap and drink it in a park when I was younger. That's bullshit.
Meanwhile, downstairs, Kelly is bitching about Jack and how disgusting he is. She vows to get Jack back. "Why her?" she adds.
Jack adds that he danced with Xtina, and Kelly yells into his room that she doesn't like him anymore. Jack asks the person on the phone to hold on and he yells for Kelly to suck his something something something. "Suck your own ball, Jack," Kelly says. Hee. And commercials.
I just leaned over and told my cat to suck her own ball, and she stared at me for the longest time, actually looking really offended. Try it some time. It's fun. Back. House. Jack is explaining to Bad Nanny that Kelly is pissed at him that he saw Xtina. Bad Nanny says he should defend his sister. He says that Xtina wasn't saying anything bad about Kelly for him to refute. Kelly comes in wearing a fucking tiara, terrible glasses, and dressed like a nine-year-old otherwise. Xtina said she didn't know why Kelly had a beef with her, and Kelly goes, "Hmmmm. Let's think." (No, but seriously, Kelly has no reason.) She jumps to saying that she would hate anyone Jack hated. Jack tries to say that Xtina had nice things to say about Kelly and Kelly calls him a douchebag. Jack says that he "hell yeah" danced with Xtina, but that he didn't kiss her. Kelly calls him "disgusting." "Kelly, you wanna leave my room," Jack says about five times really fast. Kelly then demonstrates how Xtina was dancing by rubbing herself on Jack's ass. Kelly says that Jack is a douchebag (again! A double douche!) and that she always sticks up for him. Robert is there too, and there is a lot of yelling and then Jack starts just laying out the curses -- the "fuck"s and "cunt"s and "bitch"es and "fuck"s again -- telling Kelly to leave his room. Yikes. How do you control these kids? I guess you can't. Even if you sent them to their rooms, it's like Chuck E. Cheese in there. That's no punishment.
Kelly goes to Sharon's room to complain -- with Bad Nanny and Robert in tow -- and Jack sneaks in to listen. Kelly is saying that if the situation were reversed, she wouldn't even talk to the person. Sharon says that she wants Kelly to understand that it's hard for Jack, and she says that it's twenty million times "more hard" for her. Wow! That's really fucking hard. Sharon lays it out that Xtina asked Jack why Kelly hates her, and Kelly starts to say that didn't happen and Jack busts out from behind the curtain. Sharon yells, "I love that!" laughing. It's hard to tell when Sharon is taking the piss, or if she seriously got delight out of Jack's ingenious spying. Kelly calls him a douchebag once again and Jack is about to say what Xtina says. Kelly says that doesn't matter -- all that matters is that if the situation was reversed etc. etc. Kelly finally says that Jack doesn't care about her; all he cares about is getting his rocks off with a famous person. Ooh. Jack comes back that what he likes is being in a relaxed environment and chilling out and Kelly is so fucking high-strung all the time. Jack says he'll punch Kelly if she doesn't get out of his face. Sharon tries to say there will be no punching. Jack moves toward Kelly and she flinches. Jack laughs. Kelly thinks it's sad that she's terrified of her own brother. Bad Nanny is trying to get Kelly to go to rehearsal. Jack does it again and laughs, and Kelly wallops the shit out of him. Damn! Jack laughs, and Kelly does it again and again. Jack acts very girly here. He tries to be tough and make Kelly hit him again, and finally the others jump in and Sharon gets out of bed, her pants falling down, and yells for Kelly to "go to work!" Robert says he wishes he had been there last night. Jack jokingly hug his mom, saying, "Good morning!" Hee.
Sharon runs Jack a bath and sniffs him. Jack says that he's going on five days without a shower. Nice. I guess in this dirty Sunset club-rat trucker-hat-wearing crowd he runs with, the whole not-bathing thing is in vogue. Seriously, when you go out to clubs these days, everyone looks like someone from The Strokes. It's a bit disconcerting. Anyway, Jack says that Xtina said nice things about Kelly, and that if Xtina had dissed Kelly, he would have stood up to her. He danced with Xtina and thinks she has a nice personality and comes across "really cool." Jack adds that he doesn't understand why he has to hate someone he's never met -- that you should get to know a person first. Sharon says, "That's the way I am." Hm. Suddenly, Jack is making lots of sense. Sharon says that the "stupidness" between Jack and Kelly has got to stop. Jack, smiling, says that he got Xtina's number. "Shut up, Jack," says Sharon.
CUT TO: Jack sword-fighting with some dude in the street at night. Good job. Police!
Jack's room. He plays his messages. One is from Xtina. She says her name and then starts coughing like she just smoked three crack rocks, which she probably did. Jack calls over some friend and they listen. Xtina just talks bullshit, saying she hopes Jack is well. They cut to Kelly walking through the house. "Jack!" she yells as she hears the message. He smiles to camera and they play Xtina's "Beautiful." Hee.
time...dogs scratching. Scratching. Sharon talks to a woman about fleas. Robert sees a flea. Ozzy calls the house a "six-million-dollar flea pit." Dogs scratching. Sharon thinks they should get rid of all the furniture. Yeah, that's the best way to combat fleas. Sharon tells Kelly not to get her nose pierced...and of course, she does. Sharon says that it looks like a blackhead. Ha. Dogs scratching. Ozzy says they've "got no army to fight the fucking bugs." Hee. Kelly says she's going to get a chain from her nose to her ear. Sharon shuts her eyes in disgust.
Now Kelly, recently, talks to camera, saying she can't believe they even scrounged up enough footage to make an episode about this. Ha. She thinks it's mean and that it makes her look like an asshole. She adds that her opinions have changed...not that she likes "this person," but she doesn't want to hurt anyone's feelings because she believes she is a good person somewhere inside, and anyway, this was shot a long time ago. Someone on the crew laughs, and that's it! Bye!