Previously on One Tree Hill: Deb and Dan have a wicked fight that ends up with the two of them in bed. Keith admits to Karen that Tree Hill doesn't feel like home anymore. Brooke brings Slutty Nikki to the party, and she turns into Psycho Nikki. She starts her own fake-ass fight with Peyton. Luke's torrid one-night stand with said Psycho comes out, and Peyton's totally pissed. So much for the two of them being friends. Nathan is arrested. Brooke and Peyton half make up. Dan tries to drag Nathan out of jail, but he's not buying it, and neither is Luke.
Yes, yes, we know, you don't want to be anything other than you. We get that. We really, really do.
It's morning in Tree Hill. Our hero, The Chad, sleeps on his back, his arm playfully above his head, in just the right position for us to see the massive bulge of his muscle, the flatness of his stomach, and the shortness of his hair. Because Luke got a hair cut, and it took about five years off his age. Wow. I can't believe he actually looks like a teenager -- with the body of a man in his mid-twenties, mind you, but whatever. He certainly looks better. There's an insistent knock on his door. Luke wakes up, glances at the tick-tock clock beside his bed, sees that it's just 6 AM, and jumps out of bed like he's rehearsed this scene three hundred times. He opens the door, and leans on the doorframe so Nathan, standing on his porch, gets a good glimpse of his armpit. Ew. Nate says, "Get dressed." Luke squints at him: "Dude, it's six in the morning. What are you doing?" Thank goodness The Chad has also shaved. Nathan replies, "We're going running." Luke says, "No, man, I'm going to bed." Nathan: "I'll just keep knocking." Heh. Luke looks at his brother with a touch of resignation.
See Ravens run. See Ravens talk as they run. They don't even seem winded. Ah, to be young again. Nathan: "The playoffs are week. We've got to get you ready, man." Slap slap go their shoes on the pavement. "Work out, studying game tapes, whatever it takes." Luke says breathily, "Why?" Nathan answers, "Because I want to win. And I need your help." Pause. "Besides, you stood up to my dad the other day, and I owe you one." Do you think it's Haley that has brought them closer together, or a mutual dislike for Dan? Regardless, it's nice to see them acting like brothers. They stop running, and Luke starts panting. He's supposed to be out of shape, right? He says, "So, listen, there's something that's been bothering me. That thing Dan said about asking my mom what kind of parent he was, any idea what he meant?" Nathan tells Luke it's probably just more of Dan's mind games. They walk off down the road together, having a conversation that doesn't end up with one of them getting punched in the head. Now, that's progress.
Peyton's turned her web cam back on. Yawn. She's doing up her belt, giving web pervs the world over enough to keep them going through the rest of the day. Larry knocks on the door, calling out wondering if she's decent. Peyton cracks, "If you mean clothing-wise, yes." Larry comes in and comments on the cam. She says dryly, "Oh. Damn. I got dressed in front of that web cam." She giggles while he tells her not to say that. He continues, "I thought you said that thing was evil anyway." She says, "Well, yeah, but that's before I saw you pull your duffel bag out of the closet." Peyton puts on her Converse sneakers. "Were you going to tell me you were leaving?" Larry explains that he's just making a short run to Florida. He'll only be gone for six days. Peyton jokes, "Okay, five nights to party." Larry says quickly, "And no time to talk, so here it comes." He continues, "Um, are you comfortable with me seeing Lucas's mom? If it's too weird for you --" Peyton insists that it's not too weird. She tells him that she likes Karen. Larry asks, "Is there something going on with you and Lucas?" Peyton ties up her shoe. People get up early in Tree Hill. She says, "Not really. It's cool." She puts her foot down, literally: "What if it was too weird for me, you dating Karen." Larry laughs and tells her she'd just have to get used to it. Wow. A whole scene, and I don't want to make a comment about sawdust or puppets or anything. Peyton tells her dad to just "do his thing," gives him a fist to bump, smiles, and then looks mournfully into her web cam. Larry smiles on his way out of her room, but gets serious for a minute as he tells her to "shut that thing off." But she can't shut it off, she's "Punk'd and Disorderly." Yawn.
Luke and Karen eat breakfast. Well, Karen pushes her food around her plate and Luke scrunches up his eyebrows. That's The Chad's code for "about to say something serious." He says, "The other night I saw Dan and he said something." Karen moans, "Aw, what now!" Luke continues, "He said to ask you what really happened back then." The Tune of Total Discontent pipes in. "Any idea what he what he meant?" Karen answers, "Who knows, it's Dan." Luke pushes a bit further: "Yeah, but, I don't know, he was talking about what kind of father he was. Was he just messing with me?" Karen puts down her fork and picks up that tone. You know, the one where "secrets" that could "ruin" lives are about to come out and create a "cliffhanger" to drape the season-ender in: "Lucas, you know I always have your best interest in mind." Luke squints. "Since day one, you believe that, right?" Yeah. Of course he does. Because Karen's the den mother to end all den mothers, but wait! Of course, she has a confession to make: "Well, after you were born, Dan asked to be in your life." The Chad looks confused, which means that he's scrunched his eyebrows so close together I'm surprised he can see out of either eye: "You told me he never wanted anything to do with you?" Karen answers, "He didn't show up at first, but when he moved back into town with Deb, he told me that he'd like to help raise you." Wait! Luke! Please, open your eyes; you'd like to see this! Your mother's admitting she lied all these years. Your world is about to come crashing down. Karen says, "And he asked for joint custody. I told him no." Okay, you're telling me that all of this couldn't have come out before now? In the sixteen years that Luke's been in the world, Dan never tried to see Lucas on his own, never challenged Karen, never fought back after she said no the first time? Honestly, I don't see how this itty-bitty piece of information changes one damn thing. But we all know it's going to be all blown out of proportion and turned into some ridiculous melodramatic existential life-changing realization. Good grief.
So, why did Karen say no? "Because I didn't trust him. And Dan was ready to sue until his lawyer told him that since he'd left me and gotten another girl pregnant his chances weren't good." Karen explains that she had to make a decision and do what's best for Luke. That she knew someday they'd be having this conversation, months after all the other bloody conversations they've been having about Dan, and that she'd have to explain herself. In Karen's words, "that was a risk [she] had to take." The whole time she's talking, Luke's just looking at his mother and wondering what went wrong. Could he have had a daddy after all? Luke doesn't say anything, really; he just grabs his knapsack and takes off, telling Karen he has to get to school. You know, Dan tried once, just one feeble attempt, and that's going to alter Luke opinion of him? Honestly. It's so silly. The man's an asshat, and just because he felt a glimmer of parental concern years and years ago, doesn't change his behaviour up until now, you know?
Luke sees Peyton holding her poms in the quad, and runs up to her. He shouts, "Peyton! Come on, can I talk to you?" She turns her back to him and starts to walk away until he catches up. She retorts, "That depends, are you telling lies or just things that aren't true?" Brooke stands nearby and watches the whole scene go down. Luke: "Okay, I deserved that, but about the other night --" Peyton snaps, "Whatever, Luke, explain it to your friend Nikki." Brooke bitches to her friend under her breath, "Can you believe it?" Peyton walks away and joins Brooke. The two girls look back at him with mutual disgust. They give him a wicked-ass Heathers stare and flit away like girls who have done no wrong in their lives. Nothing about how Peyton led Luke on, changed her mind, and then only wanted him back after he got together with Brooke. Oh no, she's done nothing wrong. Nothing about how she wouldn't be half as upset about this whole Nikki thing if she weren't Jake's ex-girlfriend, because she sort of likes him too, and how would Luke feel about that whole situation.
Brooke comes up to Peyton in the gym after practice and says, "So, now that Lucas has out-slutted the both of us are we back to hos over bros?" Peyton says slyly, "Okay, she's talking to me, does that mean she's shopping with me?" Pause. "I was thinking we could spend a little trial make-up time at the mall." Brooke says, "There may be hope for you yet!" Whitey's whistle blows in the meantime, thankfully saving me from that conversation. He yells at the boys to "gather" round. And there's Jake! Aw, sweet, sweet Jake! The best thing about boys who play basketball are a) their basketball shoulders and b) their basketball calves. And thankfully, these boys are all in their mid-twenties so I'm not too much of an old lady to appreciate their sleek athletic beauty. Anyway. They gather. Whitey grunts, "All right, listen up. week you boys are going to be winning your first playoff game." Pause. "I, however, am going to be flat on my back at the hospital." Luke asks what's up. Whitey answers, "Oh, just a little eye surgery. I've got a paranoid doc who says I can't put it off any longer." Whitey is almost totally bald. He's even starting to look like Yoda. He tells the boys that if he actually wants to see them win state, he'll have to miss the first playoff game. Nate asks who's going to coach them. Whitey answers, "Coach MacCallum most likely." There are grumbles. It's pretty funny that no one else on the team is allowed to talk. I guess it's expensive if the extras actually have lines.
Whitey continues, "And if you use this as an excuse to slack off, I can promise you there'll be hell to pay." He points at all of them with his Woda Finger of Death. "Now, go hit the showers!" The boys run off -- well, except for Luke, who asks if Woda needs anything. Whitey smiles and says, "Yeah, my youth back!" He wipes his eyes and walks away. Luke jogs and catches up with Nate. He asks if MacCallum's any good. Nate answers, "No, J.V. sucks. This one's going to be up to you and me." You know, it's somewhat sweet that Nathan actually gives his brother props now where the game's concerned. Before he was always after him to get off the team, that he'd never be good enough, blah dee bastard blah. Now it's sort of the Scott brothers against the world. Maybe they'll invent a rocket ship while they're all pals and stuff. Maybe they'll fly to the moon in the their rocket ship. Maybe they'll take tango lessons together and become international spies. The sky's the limit when it comes to the two of them getting along. The sky's the limit.
Keith's packing up his apartment when Luke comes by for a visit. Keith says, "I just ordered some pizza. Interested?" Luke says, "Sure." Luke launches right into a discussion about Dan and how he wanted shared custody. Keith smiles and says, "Oh, is he spreading that lie again." Luke tells his uncle that Karen says it's actually the truth. "What, like how he called her from college." Luke explains, "No. Dan wanted joint custody. I thought you knew that." No, Keith didn't know that, which means it will now replace Lost Love as Issue #1 in this week's episode. Luke asks, "Do you think things would have been different if Mom would have given him a chance?" Keith says quickly, "What, like the chance he had with Nathan?" Luke wants to know what Dan was like back then. Because it's easy to see a guy who never cared, and to hate him because of that, but knowing this now changes everything for Luke. Even though, as Keith points out, he's still a jackass. Luke says, "I know he's a bad guy. But maybe he just made some poor choices and it got out of control. I mean, I've been doing that myself." Keith points out the obvious flaw in Luke's argument: "You're not Dan." Okay, this is exactly what would have happened if had Dan gotten joint custody of Lucas: First, Deb would be pissed off. Second, Dan would have bought Luke expensive stuff to piss Karen off and "buy" his son's love. Third, he would have pitted both boys against one another in everything they did. Fourth, he would have consistently made Luke feel like a bastard child, and blamed him for everything that went wrong in his life -- like he does now, only on a much more intense basis. So, in the end, I don't really see why everyone's making such a big freaking issue with a capital "I" out of this "secret." It's not like anything would have ended up differently. Luke would have ended up as screwed up as poor Nate. Anyway. Keith continues, "The man's whole life is poor choices." Luke says, "Well, maybe that's just it, maybe this is the one that changed him." Keith lets out a long breath meant to signify frustration, and probably a bit of disappointment that Karen kept something else from him all these years.
Haley shows up at Nathan's with a very heavy bag of books. She says, "You are totally saving my life. I have got to get a cable modem." He comes out of the bedroom with a bag and a basketball, saying, "Oh, that's cool, I've got to run to practice anyway. Then, I am going to pick up an extra shift at the mall to try to pay for this cable modem." Because, I guess, the super-duper computer was free. "And after that, I'm working out with Lucas." Haley puts her hand on her hip and jokes, "Well, who are you and what have you done to my real boyfriend?" Nathan smiles and tells her that she told him to "cut the guy some slack." Haley wants to know if it's really just another way of sticking it to Dan. Nate insists that's not what it is at all. No, Nate wants to win. He'll stick it to Dan by "racing" up in the record books. He kisses Haley and leaves. She opens the notebook and says, "English class, here I come."
Whitey peers through his glasses at the 2004 Playoff Schedule. He's having a hard time seeing the sheet, which is strange because there's not a lot written on it -- perhaps that's the point. Of course, Dan shows up, man-bangs and all. Whitey sets his glasses down and cracks, "Dan Scott! They haven't even cut me open yet and you already smell the blood." Dan says snidely, "What's this I hear about you not coaching the playoffs." Whitey holds up his finger of suggestion, and then waves it about in Dan's face: "First game." Dan insists, "And the last if they lose!" Oh brother, we all know where this is going. Whitey says, "The team's ready. MacCallum'll do fine." Dan laughs, "MacCallum. You've got to be kidding me. J.V.'s won what, five games all season." Those poor junior varsity fellows; they're the butt of every joke tonight. Well, actually it's just four games; one win was actually a forfeit. Dan says, "Exactly. Better let me do it." Heh. Can you imagine the wrath of Dan when armed with a whistle and some actual power? I'm shaking in my Nike high-tops already. Whitey senses my hesitation and echoes my thoughts exactly: "Come on, Dan, I'm old, but I'm not senile." Dan's got a solid argument ready. You can hear his mouth watering as he speaks: "Come on, Whitey, you know I know this team as well as you do. Every game. Every player." Whitey cuts him down: "You ought to, you're daddy to half of them." Heh. Whip the scoreboard to one hundred for that one. Dan takes it in stride: "Okay, I know you don't care for me, but you do care a lot about this team --" White interjects, "I care enough about them to protect them from you. Over my dead body, Danny." Dan snaps, "Well, if that's the way you want it." Can no one else in town see that Dan is evil? I mean Dr. Evil evil, so evil that he'd need a superhero to take him down. As Dan's about to leave, Whitey says, "Oh, by the way, I'm going to be just fine, thanks for asking."
Later that evening, Nathan and Luke work out down at the River Court. Luke hobbles around like he's the seventy-year-old, not Whitey. He tells Nate his "legs are dead." Nathan laughs and tells him they need to play one more game. He tosses Luke the ball, only when he shoots it, it's pure air. He misses the basket by so much, Nathan's winded just trying to get it back. Where's Mouth now? This would make good commentary for Ravenshoops.com. Not. Nathan turns back around and jokes, "Nice shot, Haley." Luke guffaws. Then he winces in pain. Nathan nails one through the bucket. Luke stretches his shoulder out, the one that's injured, remember -- the one he was sleeping on this morning, but whatever -- and says, "So, uh, did Dan talk about me at all when you were little?" Nathan handles the ball and answers, "Well, when I was younger, I used to hear my parents arguing about you." Luke nods. Nathan continues, "I knew you were out there. I hated the fact, so I hated you." He takes a deep breath and admits, "I just saw what my dad wanted me to think. It sounds stupid now, but it made sense at the time." Wow. Nathan is a totally different person. But it doesn't seem incongruent or out of order. It seems sort of, well, natural. Unlike Luke's meltdown, you know? Luke tells his brother about Dan wanting joint custody. Nathan fiddles with the ball: "Wow. I didn't see that coming." He shakes his head: "The one decent thing the guy does and he buries it." Luke asks, "Do you think if he had have gotten his way, we might have grown up together?" Nathan says, "What would that would have gotten us?" Luke says, "We could have teamed up against him." Nate says truthfully, "Or we could have killed each other." Luke laughs. Nate continues, "Trust me, man, you didn't miss out on anything." But you know what, isn't that what Luke thinks -- that he'd like to find out for himself, or known for himself? Instead of having both his mom and his dad make up the relationships for him, insisting it's a way that might not have been best for Lucas. But again, yawn, how much of this oh-I-grew-up-without-my-daddy crap are we going to have to endure.
So, Haley's working on an English paper about Darwin. Now, that's a bit strange, but whatever. It's an odd bit of irony that she's researching The Origin of the Species, because as she's typing, she tries to Google something beginning with "origin," and up pops a web site called "Original Sin -- Hot, Nasty Girls!" Because it's Nathan's computer. Because he's a boy. Well, he's looking at porn, and here we go with Issue #2 -- my boyfriend's a porn addict. Yawn. So, Haley looks up the site, and is disgusted. She searches through his links and finds all kinds of porn sites that have been bookmarked. And the oh-poor-poor-Haley music starts up. Please, he's a teenage boy. What did she expect?
Keith drops by Karen's house. She's doing laundry. Good to see we're back to earlier patterns where every time we see Karen, she's doing laundry. Anyway. He comes barrelling into the house, wanting to give her what-for: "Lucas came to see me last night. He had a lot of questions about what you told him, about Dan. And he wasn't the only one." Karen sort of half-patronizingly tells Keith that he has a right to be upset. "You're damn straight I have a right to be upset. Do you want to explain to me how you could keep that from me all these years?" Pause. "I've a right to know that Dan wanted custody!" Um, why does he have a right? It really doesn't have anything to do with him. Karen says snottily, "What would you have done differently? Would you have loved Lucas any less?" Keith says, "Of course not, but I might have had a different opinion about my brother." Oh, please. Everyone needs to get off his/her damned high horse. Karen shouts, "Oh come on, Keith! Your opinion of Dan is based on more than just his behaviour towards Lucas." I can't honestly believe this argument about this subject is taking up so much time in this episode. It's just an excuse. It really is -- what happened to the grandparents? What about those secrets? How many more secrets can two totally dysfunctional families have? Oh wait, didn't I just answer my own question. Keith continues, "Look, back then, he told me that he approached you about joint custody. I called him a liar. And now I find out the person who was lying was you." Karen shouts, "I was trying to protect Lucas!" She folds the towels furiously now: "I was trying to give him the best life possible. I was a kid, Keith, and I was scared too. I was scared that I'd lose you too, I mean, you two are brothers." Keith: "What, that I'd take his side over yours?" Karen admits that this is the truth. Keith says, "God, Karen. I thought you knew me better than that." And Keith leaves. He slams the door and walks out. She tosses her laundry aside in anger. Oh, the frustration of the lies coming out after all these years. Tell me, if Karen doesn't care about Keith, doesn’t love him, then why do they keep fighting? Why does she care what he thinks? What does it all matter?
Whitey hangs up his jacket in his office, only to look over and discover Dan sitting in his chair. The one behind the desk. Dan smirks, "I was just leaving you a note to call me." Whitey hangs up his hat and snaps, "I thought you had to invite vampires in." Heh. "I'm all talked out with you." Dan says cockily, "Well, that may well be, but I'm still going to need your playbook, stats, team roster. But don't you worry, I've got my own whistle." Dan leans back in the chair and looks at Whitey, who says, "What the hell are you talking about?" Dan smiles: "Looks like I'll be coaching that game after all." Whitey says angrily, "The hell you will. I told my decision was final." Dan insists, "And so's the Athletic Committee's. I believe they trump you." Okay, don't you need to be a teacher to coach a high school team? Did Dan go to the same school as Keith in the past few weeks? He's now qualified to coach a high school basketball team just because he's an overgrown hero? Dan leans even further back in the chair and taunts Whitey: "We had a little session this afternoon. You really should get yourself a cell phone, Whitey." Dan chuckles his evil man chuckle, gets up out of the chair, grabs the playbook, pats Woda condescendingly on the shoulder, and says, "Don't worry, Whitey. The team's in good hands!" Poor Whitey just looks after him like he can't believe what just happened, and frankly, neither can I. Those poor boys. They don't stand a chance.
Peyton and Brooke walk around the mall. They've got Jenny with them. Peyton pushes her stroller. Brooke jokes, "Well, it's never too early to learn to accessorize, right?" Peyton laughs. Brooke continues, "Wanna go look at CDs?" Okay, Peyton shops at a mall? Isn't she a "punk"? Doesn't she deem all things normal teenage kids do "passé"? Shouldn't she be busy finding some obscure band on the internet to obsess about? Anyway, Peyton says, "Why? So you can mock me as I check out all the new releases?" Um, isn't she into '80s metal these days? Whatever. They make Peyton hyper-cool one week, then a typical teenager the . I can't keep up. They stop in front of a faux-Victoria's Secret and joke about trying on lingerie. Peyton wheels the stroller sort of behind her as they admire the window display. This was the point where I yelled, "Oh my god! She's not watching the baby!" And lo and behold, there's Nikki, and she's scooped Jenny up right from under Peyton's nose. "Well, well, well." She's bouncing Jenny up and down: "As a babysitter, apparently you suck." Peyton stands there with her mouth open to her knees and her eyes as wide as flying saucers: "What are you doing?" Nikki answers, "Protecting my baby. While you two Barbies were getting ready to make out, anybody could have taken her." Jenny's head falls onto Nikki's shoulder. Peyton tells her to put the baby down. Of course, Nikki doesn't. In fact, she walks away. Peyton and Brooke chase her. "Where are you going?" Nikki says, "Shopping with my daughter." Peyton tells Brooke to go get security. She runs off, and Peyton tries to run after Nikki, only she loses her while trying to find her phone. Peyton stops by a cell phone stand and borrows one of the phones. She dials quickly and asks Karen if she can talk to Jake. The one-sided conversation goes like this: "No, he can't call me back." Pause. "Well, where is he?" Peyton half-hangs up the phone as Brooke gets back with the security guard. Brooke says, "Peyton! Where is she?" They search frantically for a minute, their heads flailing around like bobble-dolls trying to see Nikki. Peyton mutter-whines, "I lost her in the crowd." Pause. "Oh, this isn't happening!" The security guard insists that they'll find her, if she's still in the mall. Peyton whines, "What if she's already gone?" Oh. The. Drama.
Luke and Nathan arrive at his place after their practice. It must be Saturday. Nathan jokes, "Check it out, Hails, an entire afternoon together and no one threw a punch!" Haley looks down at the computer and says quietly, "Can I talk to Nathan alone, please?" Luke says, "Yeah! Sure. I'll catch you guys later." Nathan sits down and asks her what's up. Haley has her poor-me voice on as she tells him she was doing research when she found the site. Nathan makes some excuse about how he stumbled upon the site and it's no big deal. But remember, it's a Big Deal for Haley. She's a virgin with a capital "V": "What about the half a dozen other sites that you stumbled upon and bookmarked?" She launches right into her woe-is-me speech: "It's hard enough that I have to compete with the girls at school that just give it away. Now, I've got to be a porn star." He tells her she's overreacting. She doesn't think she is, and his web porn hurts her. He argues that he's a "guy," and that "guys" look at this stuff. She says, "Well, don't be a guy, Nathan, be a man." Because no men look at porn on the internet either. Oh no, men abstain from internet porn, it's the teenage boys who are making the industry what it is today -- not the unfulfilled, unhappily married Joe Blow in Winnipeg or anything. Give it a rest, Haley. ["And don't steal your lines from Say Anything." -- Sars] Haley continues, "I'm not a prude, and I think you know that, but the thought that this is what I'm going to be compared to --" Nathan interjects, "So this is what you're worried about, that I'm going to compare you to --" She shouts, "Yes! That's part of it. Nathan, it's hard enough for me to even think about being naked in front of you, and the thought that this is the standard I'm going to be held to, forget it!" He shouts, "Haley!" But she's already gone. Her high horse is hitched outside and is aching for some water and a good trot.
Back at the Westfield Mall, the police have joined mall security to look for Jenny. Jake arrives looking all agitated. Peyton apologizes. She even uses her hands to show him how upset she truly is about this whole incident. Peyton tells him they only looked away for a minute. He shouts, "You cannot do that!" The cop tells him to calm down, that they've got officers combing the mall right now. Jake says, "Oh calm down, take it easy, what do you think my daughter --" Of course, Nikki picks that instant to come up to them, calmly holding Jenny. She says, "What's up?" Jake shouts, "What are you doing, Nikki!" Nikki replies, "I took Jenny shopping and then we went on the carousel." Um, ew, the same carousel she and Luke did the nasty on a few weeks ago. That's gross. That alone is enough to make her an unfit mother. Nikki looks around and says, "What? What's the big deal?" Peyton screeches, "You stole her out of her stroller!" Nikki defends herself: "No I didn't. I picked her up because you two weren't watching her, and told you I was taking her shopping." Pause. "Besides, she's my daughter, not yours." Jenny's incredibly quiet for being a nine-month-old who was picked up by a stranger and then carted away. Regardless of whether Nikki's the mother, she hasn't been around, and the baby would have thought she was a stranger. Well, the cop finds that fact interesting; regardless of how Jake tells him that Nikki took off and stuff. The cop wants to know who has custody, and when he doesn't get a straight answer, he tells them to take the baby home and work it out. Jake turns toward Nikki and says scathingly, "You are unbelievable. You know that!" Nikki says, "Well, if you'd let me see her once in a while!" Jake stutter-shouts, "That's not going to happen! Not after this!" Nikki doesn't take the bait; in fact, she's cold and calculating: "You think I'm such a bad mother? You've made some pretty bad decisions where Jenny's concerned. I'm not sure I can trust you with her." Nikki! "I'm going to get custody, Jake. She's better off with me." Jake's face looks totally animated with anger. Like he can't believe what's happening. Like it couldn't get any worse. Oh, then Nikki cuddles the baby a little bit, holds her up in the air, and sweetly says, "I'm gonna see you soon, bunny! Yeah! Yeah!" She puts her back in the stroller and struts off like she's the Queen of the Damn Mall. Peyton tries to say something, but Jake's already storming off with Jenny in her carriage. He's pissed. He almost lost his kid to Psycho Nikki, how else would he feel? Looks like Luke's not the only one to screw things up now, hey, Peyton? People in glass houses and all that stuff.
Dan comes into Karen's Café to see Deb. He snots, "You haven't worn out your welcome yet?" No, in fact, Deb tells him, they're partners now. Dan "jokes": "I hope you just mean in the business." What's wrong with him? He continues, "You said you had something for me?" Yes. He left his watch over at Deb's the other night. She hands it back to him as he says, "What makes you think I didn't leave it there as payment." Wow. Do you think it's a sickness? This incessant need to hurt all of the people around him? Deb shoves the watch into his pocket and gives him a dirty look. Karen comes up behind them and says, "Excuse me, Deb." She looks at Dan: "May I have a word with you?" Oh boy. Both of his women in one place, giving him a hard time. What's a boy to do except act like an ass and hurt them with words.
Dan follows Karen over to the side of the restaurant. Karen whisper-shouts, "Is it just sport? This need to agitate Lucas any chance you get. Why on earth would you tell him you wanted custody?" She's very emotional. He's calm, cool, and calculated. He puts on his watch as she's getting upset: "I'm not the devil, Karen. I'm tired of being blamed for everything." She shakes her head in disbelief and continues on her rampage: "Not everything, just your due! You suggest to me that I abort my child, and one day you grow this tiny sliver of conscience that has long since disappeared, and you expect a medal for that?" Dan oozes self-righteousness: "No, I expect you to be held just as accountable as I have to be. You're the one who kept the truth from him." As Dan tries to walk away, thinking he's had the last word, Karen grabs his arm and insists, "This is not about accountability. You don't regret missing out on Lucas's life. You hate the fact that I beat you!" Karen's face opens up, and a volcanic amount of anger spills out: "And you're punishing him that some lawyer told you years ago you could never win this one! And that is pathetic, Dan. So do me a favour and just stay away from him." Dan smiles in that cocky way of his and says, "Can't do that. I'm his coach." What are you talking about? "Whitey's having surgery and I offered to step in." Karen: "You just can't let this one go." Dan snaps, "Well, it beats lying about it." Karen: "Listen to me, Dan, if you use this coaching job to hurt my son, I don't care who on that school board you sold cars to, I'll bury you." Oh boy. Once again, Dan refuses to rise to the bait: "You shouldn't baby the kid, Karen, he should learn to fight his own battles." Karen gets in the last words, and they're good ones too: "Is that why Nathan left you?" I don't really understand that comment or how it relates to this particular argument, but I do admire her for slinging so much mud she could fill in the Amazon River. You go, Karen! I wonder if she and Deb talk about it after Dan leaves, or if the fight just lingers between them like all the years they didn't get along. See, all the good stuff happens off-camera.
Peyton's at home feeling sorry for herself (read: drawing) when Haley shows up looking for advice about Nathan's porn habits. Haley notices she's not herself, and asks if she's all right. Peyton tells her she's not okay because she screwed up pretty badly with Jenny yesterday. So, it's Sunday? Haley asks if she's okay. Peyton admits that she's fine, and everything's okay, but there was potential for it to have been a very bad situation. Peyton says, "I'm an idiot." Then she asks Haley what's going on with her, and Haley hesitates because she sees that Peyton's dealing with some of her own crap. Peyton says not to worry about it, so Haley sits on the bed and tells her the whole, ahem, sordid story. Haley describes it as "creepy" porn. Peyton, ever the optimist, asks, "How creepy, like she-male midgets?" Heh. Now that's something even I'd like to see -- that's something that Haley should at least be concerned about. Haley says, "No, like Pamela Anderson wanna-bes." Pause. "I'm right to be bothered by this, right? You would be bothered by this if it was Nathan, right?" Okay, I understand and support all the arguments against porn, blah objectification of women, blah degradation of women, blah porn blah, but Haley should also have enough self-confidence and self-awareness to know that sex sometimes isn't about love for men, and that porn might just be an emotional release for guys who don't know how else to deal with their feelings. Finally, she should totally lighten up because it's not like Nate's doing drugs and ordering hookers. Anyway, Peyton tells Haley she really wouldn't have been all that bothered, but mainly because she didn't love Nathan like Haley does. Haley says, "You know, he says he's totally cool with waiting, but he's filling up with cyber-sex in the meantime." Blah she can't compete blah. Peyton tells her that she doesn't have to compete with anyone because she's got Nathan's heart, and doesn't that count for anything?
Luke and Nathan are in the weight room, working out. Luke's on the bench and Nathan's spotting him. Nate says, "It only took my dad fifteen minutes to B.S. the athletic committee. We're so screwed, man." Luke says, "Only if we let him get to us." He pumps the weights up and down while breathing heavily. Nathan replaces the bar and goes to find some more weights to add to what's already there. Luke sits up and asks what happened with Haley, because he tried to call her, and she wouldn't pick up. Nathan looks at his brother: "Let's just say, um, she found out I'm looking at some web sites that don't exactly make me boyfriend of the year." Nathan continues, "Not like it's any of your business, but, um, Haley and I, we're not, she's not, you know, so, I'm just trying not to pressure her at all." Nate sits down on the bench to begin his workout. Luke says, "Yeah, sure." Then he chuckles, "Porn freak." Nathan laughs and tells him to "shut up, dude." Luke holds the bar and teases him: "Hey, just stay away from sites with farm animals, okay." Nathan cracks up, sits up, and they continue to joke around with each other. And, you know, it's a sweet scene where they're acting like brothers, getting along, and just being themselves. It's actually my favourite scene in this episode. I like the two of them here. It makes sense. Of course, Dan sees this, and we don't really know what he's thinking until Whitey comes along and cuts him down: "Most fathers would be touched by that scene. But I'm guessing it's your worst nightmare, Coach." Dan doesn't say anything. He just looks at his two boys as they continue to talk and laugh. Maybe the two of them having a relationship is just the medicine Dan needs to smarten the hell up. But who am I kidding. Dan doesn't think he has a sickness that needs a cure.
Karen comes into Luke's room, saying that she owes him an apology. Okay, Karen is the parent, Luke the child, so why does she feel the need to make all of her decisions "okay" with him? Isn't there a point where she should just suck it up and tell him to get off his high horse, otherwise known as Silver, and realize this is his life: there's no looking back; there's no fixing things. There's living with it and getting on with it. So he doesn't have a relationship with his father, but his dad's a jackass, you know? Anyway. We're subjected to another saccharine scene of Karen desperately trying to make things okay. Blah she shouldn't have lied, blah she understands he's upset blah. Luke says, "I don't think you do. I just can't turn it off." Pause. "All these years I was sure I should hate him because he didn't want me. And I guess I'm mad at you for making me question that now because I'm not so sure I should hate him. I don't even know him." Karen asks if he wants to know Dan. Luke insists, "You loved him once, Mom, was there ever something there, was he ever a good person?" Once upon a time, he was. Karen continues, "But he hasn't been that person for a long time."
And cut to a power-hungry, basketball-driven man coaching the crap out of the poor team. He's blowing his whistle and driving them to distraction. He's pushing them hard, harder than necessary, which seems counter-productive if you want them to win, but whatever, I'm not the coach. In one fleeting instant, Dan erases all of Whitey's good work. He throws out their offence, yells some crap about players making plays, and then shits on Jake for missing practice because of Jenny. Luke struggles. The whistle blows. The kids do push-ups. The whistle blows. Dan makes the boys do free throws; if they miss one, they need to grab a weight and start jogging. Nathan hits the first one. Dan gives him advice. Nathan snits, "I just made it, didn't I?" Dan blows his stack: "Whitey let you mouth off like that? Bend your knees!" Nathan bends his knees and shoots, but he misses. Yeah, great coaching. Luke's up. He shoots. And misses. He grabs a weight plate. Dan blows the whistle, and the boys are doing "brisk" laps up and down the court. Luke lags behind. He's feeling a bit sick, and keels over. Dan yells, "Lucas, keep moving!" He steps down off the bleachers and comes over to him. He yells, "Let's go! Let's go!" Luke says, "I'm still a little weak from the accident." Dan snaps, "You're a little weak, all right." Luke promptly pukes all over the floor, and hopefully, if there's a television goddess, on Dan's sneakers. Nate's there, and he says, "Aw, Dad!" Dan snaps, "'Coach'! Now get a mop and clean that up." Nathan just looks at him like he can't be serious. Or like he's insane. Both of which must be true, because Dan stomps off like a man who's just gotten married to his mission, realized that it's not going as well as he expected, and now has to prove himself or he gets fired.
Later that night, Luke shows up at Haley's and collapses onto her bed. She asks, "What happened to you?" He tells her that it was the first practice with Dan. Haley: "That brutal, huh?" Luke groans, "Un-huh." Pause. "Especially for Nathan, poor guy." Haley: "You're concerned about Nathan?" Luke: "Well, yeah, I saw firsthand today how horrible it is between him and Dan." Luke sits up and makes his point, you know, the one he was just dancing around the last few minutes: "You know, he really needs you Hails. Maybe you should cut him a break on this whole internet thing." Haley says quietly, "He, um, told you about that?" Luke laughs: "Yeah, it's weird, right? But we're talking more now, and look, at least he's not cheating on you." Haley's righteous indignation stands tall: "He's looking at plastic bimbos!" Luke defends his brother: "It could be worse! Look, did you ever think that maybe all this is just helping him so he can give you space so he doesn't have to hassle you about sex?" Haley's high horse neighs. And then it whinnies. Maybe it wants an apple. Instead, it gets a quasi-irritating speech that really doesn't belong on this show: "He shouldn't need space. He should be better than that especially if he loves me and I cannot believe that you're defending him. Who's protecting my heart in all this, Luke?" Luke feels the horse jut him in the ass, and quiets down: "Okay, okay! I didn't say it was okay, all right. I'm just saying after what I saw in the gym today, man, the guy just needs a little support."
Peyton knocks on Jake's door; he answers, and she apologises again. He says, "I'm mad at Nikki, okay, you I'm just disappointed in." Peyton's in almost tears when she says, "It was two seconds!" Jake tells her that it only takes two seconds. I'm wondering if he'd feel better if he had a horse to climb on? He continues, "I just got off the phone with the Legal Aid attorney and she says that Jenny's fair game. And that the judge usually sides with the birth mother." Peyton exasperates, "Even if you can prove what a horrible person she is?" Jake replies, "You saw how she played that cop in the mall. She's going to play that same game with the judge." Pause. "What if she wins, Peyton? I mean, I could lose Jenny." Peyton cries, "I'm so sorry!" Jake insists he's got to get out of Tree Hill. Where would he go? To a cousin of his in Savannah. No-o-o-o-o-o! He can't leave! Then we're stuck with The Chad, and only The Chad! Wouldn't that make things worse? Jake explains, "If Nikki comes after Jenny, the lawyer says it would end up costing me a fortune to fight her, and my parents are already strapped as it is." Pause. "This would wipe them out, and I can't do that to them." Blah he can't stay there, blah he might lose her blah.
So, yeah, after all that, Haley's back at Nathan's using his damn computer. Hasn't she learned her lesson? Do we really need to go through this again? Well, it seems that we do, because while she's searching for a picture of Darwin, which for some reason she needs for her English essay (yawn), she comes across his saved images of Peyton. Of course, this pisses her off even more. And when Nathan comes home, she lets him have it: "You, um, said they weren't real people." Haley, what are you doing? "I'm a real person. I have feelings and problems. I feel vulnerable and self-conscious." She gets all emotional: "I'm just like every other person." Are you sure that horse isn't parched after all the work it's been doing this episode? Are you sure it's not ready to kick back and eat some hay? But of course, we're going to beat that horse until it's barely recognizable. We're going to beat that horse until it's bloody and blue and belongs on The Sopranos. Haley moans about sex being meaningful and lovely. About cyber-girls being triple-jointed, waxed, and always turned on. Damn, again, who cares! Nathan understands. He says, "It's just a fantasy." Haley snits, "Is Peyton just a fantasy too?" Yeah, they did go out -- and computers are the photo albums of this century, so what's the big freaking deal? Nathan shuts the computer off and asks if a guy could have a little privacy in his own apartment. Finally, he rode up on a horse of his own. ["About time, too. However…password protection, Nate, my boy. Look into it." -- Sars] Only Haley doesn't notice. She's too busy flogging Flossy or whatever the hell her horse is named: "I can't be Peyton for you. I can't be those girls. I won't." He insists he doesn't want her to be. She doesn't think he's sure about that. She walks over to him, grabs his hand, kisses it, and says, "I gave you my heart. That's all that I could give to you, and if that's not enough for you, than I'm not enough for you." Then Haley hops on her horribly beaten-down faux-Seabiscuit, and trots right out of Nate's apartment.
Peyton's got Jenny as Jake makes up her crib. They're still talking about him leaving. She asks if he was serious. He was. Peyton kisses Jenny and says that she's going to miss her. Then she says, "I've got a way for you to leave, but you've got to go in the morning." Huh? "My dad's transport's leaving for Florida." Blah he can catch a ride, blah the transport docks near there blah. Peyton continues, "Look, if you take your car Nikki can follow you, but this way -- I don't want you to go, Jake, but if you think that's the best thing for Jenny." Now, it's Jake's turn to be sentimental, blah his parents will be crushed blah. He says, "But Nikki, she's been so bad to my world already, not just to me but to you and Lucas, and Brooke." Pause. "If I stay she'll win custody and I can't live with that." Blah her dad's boat leaves in the morning, blah she'll tell him he's visiting family blah. Peyton: "He's a father too, Jake, who'd do anything for his daughter." Jake takes a hold of Jenny as Peyton says she'll be there in the morning either way.
In Karen's Café, Deb gets a package. It's her divorce papers. She looks at them, and Karen asks if it's bad news. Deb says, "Once they're signed and filed, it'll all be over." Karen asks quietly, "It's what you wanted, isn't it?" Deb replies, "Yeah, I'm just surprised. I never expected to feel sad."
The music montage continues as Nate and Luke race up and down the basketball court. Dan comes upon them, wearing a Ravens basketball jacket. They stop dead when they see him, and you know, they all look related; it's sort of freaky.
Deb signs the papers, and cries.
In the morning, the gulls cackle, and the weather looks blustery. Jake walks down the dock wearing Jenny around his neck, carrying his guitar case and an overnight bag. Peyton's there waiting for him. She says she was hoping he wouldn't show. She says quietly, "Jenny, you take care of your dad, hey." Jake mumbles, "Peyton --" But she interrupts, "Don't say anything." She leans in and kisses him quickly. He embraces her and then kisses the top of her head. Damn, I'm jealous of that head! Damn you, Peyton! Jake gets on the boat with her dad, and Peyton looks tearfully at them. She waves. He waves. And the best thing on this damn show gets on the boat to float away from Psycho Nikki and all her crap. So, now he's kidnapping his baby and getting himself in a world of trouble instead of facing her; he's running from the problem, which looks romantic, but it's about as stable as that horse Haley's been riding around town.
Peyton cries on her bed when Luke comes into her room. She's less than happy to see him. He asks if she's okay; she tells him she's got some stuff going on. Luke says that he knows, but that he wanted to apologize again, for not being a better person. "I'm trying, Peyton. And I don't know what else to say." She tells him honestly: "It's not about what you say, Lucas. It's about what you do. You don't like the person you've become, then do something about it because no one's going to do it for you." He knows. That's why he came by: "I'm going to be making a few changes, and I just wanted to see you before I do." On his way out, Luke says, "I'll be seeing you, Peyton." She doesn't think twice about that strange visit, but she rolls over onto her bed and continues feeling sorry for herself.
Karen shows up at Keith's for Round Two. Where's the buxom boxing ring girl when you need her? Oh, right, that's objectification, and Haley slaps me across the face. Damn, that horse gets around. Karen says, "I didn't want this." What's that? "This, you moving away, you being upset with me." Keith: "Well, neither of us wanted it, but, um, somehow that's where we are." Karen jumps right in: "Did I trap you? Did I trick you into loving Lucas?" He says no, and that she didn't trick him into loving her either. Karen asks, "And the fact that I lied about Dan's intentions, does that change all this?" Keith admits that it colours it a bit differently, yes. Why? "No matter what I said back then, Dan would still be the same reprehensible person he's become, and you'd still be there for Lucas and me." Now it's Keith's turn to be honest, maybe more honest than Karen wants: "What for? So I can end up pushing forty still living in a bachelor apartment? Don't you see, Karen, you got what you needed, and so did Lucas. But what about me?" Pause. "I stood by you and I stood by Lucas, and I'm glad I did that but I can't help but think why, what do I get out of it." Karen says, "You get a boy who loves you."
There's a knock on the door. And Luke's there. He says, "I'm sorry to interrupt but we need to talk." Karen says that's okay, and asks him what's up. Luke walks into the room wearing that patronizing tone he uses when talking to his "mother": "Look, I know you did your best, Mom, and if you hadn't kept Dan away, Keith and I probably wouldn't have been so close and I would have hated to miss that." Pause. "So I understand now why you had to keep that secret to yourself. You just had to find yourself on your own, right." Karen says quietly, "Yes." Luke continues, "That's what I want too, to start over. That's what you did when you shut Dan out, and that's what you're doing by leaving town." Keith asks, "What do you mean by starting over?" Luke's eyes well up with tears: "I mean get away. Away from Dan, away from this place, away from all the mistakes I've been making." Pause. "I want to go with Keith. Mom." He nods. "I want to leave Tree Hill." Karen looks down and doesn't say anything. That's the cliffhanger for this episode? That Luke wants to run away like a baby from Peyton and Brooke? How is that acting like a man? How is that anything but cowardly? How is that realizing your mistakes and trying to make it better? Damn, Luke's more of a baby than we ever thought possible. He's just going to abandon his newfound pal Nathan, leave him to the wolves of Dan and run away with Keith? How stupid is he? How stupid is this show?
week on OTH: The playoff game gets out of control, and Dan kicks Nathan off the team. Haley and Nathan make out in the rain. They're all, ahem, wet. The voice-over says it's all about goodbyes, so Haley embraces Luke as he says he's going to miss her. Brooke has drinks with Nikki, who says, "You must really hate Peyton." Brooke answers, "She's got it coming." The voice-over continues, "And a secret so big you'll be talking about it all summer!" Dan screams, "You do not exist to me!" to Keith. Cut to Deb and Keith having wine and talking about how everything got all messed up. Oh, then Dan comes in and catches the two of them in bed together. And why didn't Deb get the locks changed? So, everyone ready for the season finale? Looks like we might have to saddle up our horses and ride the hell on out of Tree Hill too, after that mashed potato preview.