Well, according to TPTB, nothing came before this week, because we jump right in to the "Annual Boy Toy Auction," where you can "rent a Varsity Raven for the night!" Woo hoo! Let's hope this is a truly annual occasion, not like the "annual" festivals they have on Gilmore Girls where every year has about sixteen different celebrations we never see again. Anyone remember the Dance-a-Thon? Anyway. The crowd's a-hopping as gaggles upon gaggles of girls head on into the gym for the auction. Of course, in a bit of casting genius, the southern lilt of Whitey makes for a perfect auctioneer. In the background, we hear him yelling, "Come on! Let's get those bids up; it's the Annual Boy Toy Auction!" Women count their money and listen as he shouts, "Okay, I've got thirty-five dollars, do I hear forty! Oh, come on, people! It's for charity!" There's an "extra" Raven modeling a nice suit on the runway. The credits roll underneath as the lights flash and Mouth hangs onto a headset. I guess in addition to his sportscasting duties, he doubles as the A.V. Club geek. "Do I hear forty-five? Forty-five! Do I hear fifty?" Whitey looks a-mighty handsome in his monkey suit. A girl screams, "Fifty dollars!" Whitey points at her and shouts, "Fifty dollars!" He looks around and continues, "Remember, this is your chance to have these boys at your beck and call for one night. Do I hear fifty-five?" Whitey holds out his gavel as an open challenge. He gets fifty-five dollars for the extra Raven. Slam! Sold at fifty-five!
Outside the gym, Sherri, with a fancy man-bang-inspired haircut, denies Brooke her Boy Toy. Apparently, you can't pay with a credit card, no matter if it's platinum. Sherri says, "I'm sorry. Auction rules say cash only." Brooke leans in (she looks fabulous, by the way; her hair is in a pretty side ponytail and her eye make-up looks fantastic) and says, "Here's the thing. I'm kind of coming out of a dark place right now. And I could really use the distraction. I need this boy and I need him tonight." Sherri insists, "I understand, but by rule I have to give him to the highest bidder if she has the money in hand." Sure, Sherri says she's sympathetic, but her clammy little Booster Mom hands sure grab the bills quickly from the highest bidder. In a funny little bit of I Love Lucy faux-comedy, Brooke and Sherri do a tug-of-boy as the sign is taken away from our girl and handed to her competitor. Brooke bitches, "That did not just happen because I had an entire evening planned." She puts her hand on her hip and blows hard: "What am I supposed to do now?" Sherri says calmly through her bangs, "Well, there are four boys still up for auction and a cash machine right down the street." Brooke fumes for a minute, says okay, and then trots off to access the bank of Mommy 'n' Daddy.
Haley bounces up to Peyton and asks her if she sees anything she likes. Peyton giggle-replies, "I'm seeing everything I like, but I think I'm gonna bid on Jake." My thoughts exactly. Haley says, "You guys are really hitting it off, huh?" Peyton replies, "We're just friends, really." Pause. "What about you? Are you ready to fight off these rabid skanks for Nathan?" Haley replies, "Actually, I think I'm going to bid on Lucas." Really? "Yeah, I haven't had the chance to spend much time with him lately." She hip-butts Peyton and continues, "I get Nathan for free." They giggle. Like schoolgirls, which is good, because they are schoolgirls and not twenty-something Hollywood-types who want the exposure or anything. Anyway. Who's up ? There's a collective groan in the group as everyone checks their programs and moans, "Oh no! Tim." And right on cue, Dim bounds from behind the curtain, dancing almost as poorly and with about as much rhythm as the newly exited JPL from American Idol. He struts like a rooster. He shakes his ass in front of a poor girl's face. Young girls giggle. Whitey looks aghast as he tries to start the bidding at thirty dollars. Nothing. Tim grabs his foot and attempts the Will Smith Fresh Prince dance. "Do I hear twenty?" In the audience, a Booster Mom says to Deb, "That boy's going to pull something." He kneels at the front of the stage, clasps his hands together, straightens his arms, and pulsates. That boy is so off-beat I don't think he and the music are even in the same country. Whitey calls out for a ten spot. Deb checks her wallet. She says, "I suppose I have some chores around the house." She pulls out what she has in her wallet and says, "Eight dollars?" Whitey jumps on her faster than his team does on the ball: "Sold!" Dim looks up and gives the "right on, right on, right on" look to Deb. He's thinking, "Whoa, hot Booster Mom action." She's thinking, "Finally, someone to clean out my gutters." We all know where this bit of contrivance will lead, even if we hadn't seen the trailer fourteen times this week. Oh, and Dim exits the stage by doing the backwards moonwalk and flailing his arms like he's falling out of a building. Now, if that's not sexy, I don't know what is. Yawn. When did Dim become something other than our own little inside joke?
Haley checks her program and says, "Oh, Jake's up . How much money do you have?" Peyton replies, "Eighty-seven dollars and fifty-three cents." Tom Jones's "You Can Leave Your Hat On" starts up as Jake emerges from behind the curtain wearing a giant fuzzy Ravens mascot suit. Whitey bursts out laughing. The girls giggle. Mouth laughs. Jake wiggles a little, dances just enough, and pulls off the giant bird head slowly. He tosses it at Whitey, who is still laughing. He does a walking version of the chicken dance down the runway, which is covered in dry ice. Does Whitey hear twenty dollars? Of course he does. Does Whitey hear thirty dollars? Of course he does. Because Jake! is hot. Does Whitey hear forty dollars? Of course he does. Peyton squeals, "Fifty dollars!" Whitey tries to make Peyton's bid stick, but there's a mysterious woman who keeps bidding higher. Yawn. Haley tells Peyton to "bid it all." Peyton purses her lips, holds up her wallet and shouts, "Eighty-seven dollars and fifty-three cents!" The "mystery" girl bids one hundred dollars. Haley and Peyton look around to see if they can figure out who's bidding on Jake. Even Jake looks around to see if he can see her; of course, he doesn't know who's waiting for him in the, ahem, wings.
Jake comes back into the dressing room and gives Luke the man-slap handshake. Luke laughs, "You dirty bird! Who bought you?" Jake answers, "I don't know, man, but whoever it is, it'll be fun, it's for charity, right?" That's what you're saying now, my brother, but you just wait. Jake tells Luke to "go get 'em." He sighs, and half-shuffles up the steps to wait his turn. From in front of the curtain, Whitey yells, "Let's have our boy!" Luke's music is pumping, but he just looks uncomfortable. He's got his hands shoved so deeply into his pockets, you'd think they were digging for China. He looks bashful. He looks slightly embarrassed. Of course, the girls eat him up for dinner. The bidding goes fast and furious. We step from twenty dollars to Haley's one hundred and fifteen in a matter of mere seconds. Whitey slams the gavel and Luke's sold. He slides his hands back into his pockets and smiles shyly. What's up with the reformed Luke? Did he suddenly revert into his old self? Haley laughs and says, "Café savings, no way he's worth it, though."
Whitey announces they're down to the last Boy Toy: "So loosen up those purse strings, pucker up those lips and remember, this is for charity." Oh, yeah. Nathan comes out wearing Tom Cruise shades. The girls explode. He tosses the shades to Mouth. The girls swoon. Nathan tears off his tearaways. Not to worry -- he's wearing his b-ball shorts on underneath. Whitey calls out for a first bid. Haley looks shocked when he takes off his pants. A hormone-induced extra screeches, "Eighty dollars." Peyton's mouth makes a very round "O" in shock at a first bid being so very high. Nathan rips off his shirt, and "Boy Toy" is written on his, ahem, freshly shaved chest. Ew. He does a Superman point to the stars and shows off his arm muscles. The girls go crazy, screaming, yelling, hooting, and hollering. Peyton jokes, "Man, it smells like sex in here." Yeah, not the right thing to say to Haley, as she's freaking out now at the thought of her "boy toy" being eaten alive by an auction-crazy mob of freshmen. Nathan turns his back to the audience and flexes. Haley begs Peyton to bid on Nathan to keep him away from "them." Peyton keeps getting out-bid, though -- that is, until Haley finds her "emergency" twenty and gives it to her. Their final bid is one hundred and twelve dollars and fifty-three cents. Sold! Haley hugs Peyton and says thank you. Brooke arrives just as Whitey winds things down: "Now I'm sorry, we're fresh out of flesh. I want to thank you all for coming this evening and supporting this good cause." Which is what? They never name the charity; it's just "charity." But whatever, I guess we don't need to know the details when we've got Jake! in a fuzzy Raven costume, a half-naked Nathan, and a bashful Luke all floating around like quasi-supermodels on that Tyra Banks show. Whitey continues, "Now, all these young men belong to the highest bidders until that midnight kiss. Now, let's try to keep things legal this year." The girl who bid unsuccessfully on Nathan says, "I'll give five dollars for the microphone boy." Mouth stands up and gapes into the spotlight. Whitey looks confused for a minute as a mini-bidding war erupts for wee little Mouth. Brooke stands up tall and shouts, "Oh no! I've got two hundred dollars!" And sold! Whitey gently punches Mouth in the face and jokes, "All sales are final." And that's the end of the annual Boy Toy Auction, and what a tangled web it's going to weave tonight.
Larry Sawyer suavely enters Karen's Café and jokes, "I didn't see you in detention." Karen laughs and asks if she can get him something to eat. He moves around the counter and says, "Well, I was wondering if I could get you something to eat." Peyton's dad is a sexy man. He's tall and has a lovely smile. "Unless you've got plans after work." Man, I can hear Karen's stomach fluttering right now. Larry sits down on a stool and says, "Great, we can go to my place." Karen looks a little scared. Larry continues, "Karen, I'm not a serial killer. It's just a couple of new friends eating food." Why is it every man's defence to say he's not a serial killer? How come they always bring that up when they want to get a woman to their houses? Anyway. Karen says yes. She's doing her best impression of her bashful son Lucas. Larry smiles at her and says, "Good, then it's a date." Karen wiggles her eyebrows and tries not to be embarrassed. But damn, come on! Two of the hottest men in Tree Hill, Keith (whose hot quotient has severely depleted itself with his recent run of bad luck) and Larry (whose hot quotient has severely risen with his return and that wicked-ass car) are after her -- what could be more fun than that?
Brooke holds onto Mouth for dear life. His sign says, "Mouth Boy." She walks around trying to give fifty bucks to trade him with someone who really wants him. Poor Mouth, he looks a bit seasick about it all. Deb walks up to Dim and jokes, "Well, Timmy, looks like you're all mine tonight." She smiles as she continues, "How about you grab a change of clothes and meet me at the house." Now who's the one shell-shocked? Dim stutters, "Change of clothes?" Deb replies, "Well, you'll probably want a change of clothes when I get through with you. I, ah, plan on getting dirty." And of course, Dim thinks he's hit the jackpot with Deb. He grins from under his man bangs and can't help but think he's the luckiest son of a bitch on earth. Oh, Dim, you dirty, dirty dog. Jake looks around to see if he can find the girl who bought him. Nikki walks up to him and says, "Well, well, Jake, once again, looks like I own you." Well, that obviously doesn't sit well with him, because the shot shows him storming out of the high school saying, "Forget it, Nikki, I'm not falling for your crap." Wicked Nikki with the lopsided eyes follows him outside and begs, "At least talk to me?" Jake whips around and says sharply, "About what? Where you've been for the last eight months or how my daughter doesn't have a mother?" She replies, "I understand you're upset. There are things you don't know, please. Jake --" He tries to walk away; she grabs his arm and continues, "I don't want to mess with your head. At least hear me out." He stands sideways with his shoulder to her. "After that you can ditch me if you want." He whips around and says, "What, like you did me?" And all those skeletons Jake had in that deep, dark closet of his have scattered all over the front lawn of Tree Hill High. Poor Jake; he would have had far more fun with a wooden Pinocchio-Peyton than a poor excuse for a teenage mother.
Mouth leaps out of the oversized limo and stands on the doorway. That car is ridiculous. Who needs a car that big? He's ecstatic. He grins as he asks Brooke where they're going first. Brooke cocks her head to the side and says, "Here's the thing, Lips." Mouth corrects her, again. It's become their repartee: she calls him Lips; he says his name is Mouth. Brooke continues, "I know I owe you for the whole cheerleading competition, but I had this whole night kind of perfectly planned out, and it's a waste of a Brazilian wax." Well, way to make a guy feel like less than a man. Mouth takes it well, though. He says, "Okay, that's cool, I can take off." My guess is that he doesn't really know what a Brazilian wax really is, so it's not bothering him all that much. Mouth climbs through the car and says honourably, "At least let me give you some of your money back." Brooke refuses, also honourably. He tries to give it to her again and explains that he just thought the car was cool. But when Mouth tries to take off, Brooke grimaces as she changes her mind: "Wait! Fine. I'll take you to one place." Really? "What the hell, it's for charity, right?" And we all get the double-entendre, Brooke. She says, "With the night I have planned I may need you to carry me home anyway." Mouth laughs, says "sweet," slaps hands with the driver, and jumps back into the oversized limo. Brooke makes a funny face, rolls her eyes at said driver, and follows him inside.
Haley bounces up to Peyton and says, "I am so excited to have Lucas all to myself for an evening. We have not had a night just to hang out in forever." Peyton says the same goes for her and Nathan, just as the man of the Boy Toy hour walks up to the two of them. Nathan jokes, "I know you're still into me, but a hundred and twelve dollars?" Haley smacks him in that girlfriend sort of way. He says, "Hey you." They smooch. She tells him to have fun. He says he won't. Haley makes googly-eyes; Peyton rolls her eyes. Then Nathan says, "Come on, let's get this over with." Peyton jokes, "Funny, that's what he used to say before we'd have sex." Ahh! Heh. Haley's face kind of falls when Peyton runs off and jumps on Nathan. I think she realizes just what she's done. Because, well, let's face it, Peyton and Nathan used to go out, and they did sleep together, which he and Haley aren't doing. Plus, she's cheated with Lucas on Brooke, and while she's been trying to make up for it the better part of the last three episodes, the potential for Peyton to slip back into old habits is certainly there. Oh boy, and even as the night begins, it's all mixed up: Haley should have gone with Nathan; Jake should have gone with Peyton; Luke would have had much more fun with Slutty Nikki; and Mouth, well, I think he and Brooke are a good pair for the evening…don't you?
Peyton and Nathan start their "date" at his new apartment. Peyton sees the remnants of a painting session and jokes, "So, you're planning to kill me?" And again with the serial killer/murdering jokes -- has everyone lost their sense of imagination? Nathan says, "Oh, the painters must have left it." So, the kid has no job, no money after paying for the apartment, but he can afford painters? Why wouldn't he just do it himself? Plus, what high school kid cares how his first apartment is painted? Is he really prepping for an episode of Changing Rooms? All that wind-up for one lame joke on Peyton's behalf. And it doesn't even make sense. Right, so Nathan continues, "So what do you think of the new place?" Peyton's stunned that he "really" moved out. Nathan says, "Yeah, the judge declared me emancipated." Peyton nods and says, "Good for you, Nate." He shows her around. They land in the bedroom, of course. Peyton jokes, "What, you've got your big fancy apartment but you don't believe in furniture? Where are we supposed to eat?" Nathan says, "We got the bed." Peyton gives him a look, and let the innuendos begin as Nathan unpacks the Chinese food.
Jake and Nikki, eating burgers and fries outside. Well, Jake just sits there with his hands jammed in his jacket pockets as Nikki eats something that looks like dessert. "Still doing that whole eating dessert before the meal thing, eh?" She holds out a spoon and says, "You used to think it was cute." Her lopsided mouth offers him up a lopsided smile. He's not buying what she's selling: "Yeah, that was before you abandoned my child." She takes back her spoon. Oh good grief, there's a tiny piercing on her nose, which I guess is even more proof of Nikki's inner "wild child." Yawn. She sets the spoon down entirely and says, "Okay, I guess we'll do this now." She pauses for a minute and then launches into her explanation: "I made a mistake. I didn't know what kind of mother I'd be. All my friends were going off to college, and my parents, well, you know how they felt. I just wasn't ready, Jake. Is it that hard to understand?" Oh please, you call that an explanation? How much more self-involved could this woman be? She wasn't ready? So, she dumped a newborn on a high school sophomore and took off, only to return eight months later and get busy with another high school sophomore in an amusement park? This, this is the woman Jake fell in love with, a lopsided Lucy with a mini-lisp? Save us all now from Nikki and her particular brand of magic. Please. Jake replies, "Yeah, Nikki, it is -- she was a part of you, you held her in your arms. I spent every night asking myself how you could just leave her behind." Jake's haircut looks like it was inspired by Alexander the Great. Nikki defends herself by saying, "I couldn't. I hated myself for leaving, that's why I came back. I want to be in her life, Jake, in yours too." She grabs the salt shaker for some reason and holds onto it for dear life. Jake! grabs it back, again, not sure what that's all about. She looks up at him with her lopsided eyes and smiles: "I missed you, you know?" Blah, she tried to call him, blah over the last eight months blah. Jake fiddles with the saltshaker, and if any of the salt spills, one of them better chuck it over his/her shoulder because neither needs to be tempting fate. He gives her a searing look: "But you didn't. Did you."
Larry takes a hefty sip of his red wine as Karen thanks him for a great dinner. He smiles: "Thanks! Single parent cooking class." Looks like Larry's been around this block before; he's got some smooth moves, and one hell of a toothy grin. He says, "I'm glad you decided to come. Was it too painful?" Karen admits it wasn't painful at all. "But you don't date much?" Karen taps her hands on the table and explains that she doesn't date at all: "At night I work or I'm at home with Lucas, sometimes with Keith." Larry says Keith seems like a good man. Karen clears her throat and corrects herself by saying, "He is; he's a good friend." And somewhere in Tree Hill, the other half of Keith's hopeful heart comes crashing back to Earth. "Damn you, unrequited love!" he screams to the heavens. "How could you do it to me again!" The rest of the world hears the echo of his cries and yawns so hard that our jaws break in one collective crack. Because Keith's been beaten down so many times, we don't even care if he gets up again. Larry smiles at Karen's insistence that she and Keith are just friends. Now he's the one with the hopeful heart. Karen surveys the table to avoid any more of this awkward conversation and starts to make a move to clear away the dishes. "Oh no," he says, "absolutely not. You're off duty tonight. The only dish you're allowed to touch is your wine glass. Tour the house. Make a long distance phone call." She picks up her glass and swirls the wine around. Then she jokes, "Well, I do have some friends in Florence. Maybe I should give them a call." Larry's eyes twinkle: "Oh no." Karen giggles, and proceeds to drink her wine. Yup, someone's getting drunk and in trouble tonight! Yee-haw! If anyone needs a good time, it's surely Karen.
So, Luke and Haley are on top of the café. They're walking around their mini-golf course. There are water balloons all over the roof. Blah, it's a good idea, blah Haley knows blah. He asks if she filled any of the balloons with milk like they used to, and of course she did. Because she's "amazing" and on the way to becoming the "it" girl for all the boys. Wait, is Jake in love with her yet? You know he's on the list. Haley shouts, "I can't do this stuff with Nathan. It just seems, I don't know, does it seem childish?" From the other end of the roof, Luke yells, "Well, yeah, but in a good way." Haley laughs. Then she asks Luke about his "situation." Luke asks with what, and Haley replies, "With Peyton, or Brooke, or the bar slut I heard about." Has it been that long since they've had a conversation? Truly? Luke screams back, "Okay, what did you hear and who did you hear it from?" Oh, people. He walks towards her and explains, "I just want to play ball again. You know, get over this damn drama. It wasn't long ago that I was playing ball with the guys and hanging out with you." Haley puts on a strange faux-British accent and replies, "Yes, life was much simpler, wasn't it?" I don't understand why they're screaming from across the rooftop, nor why they're about to have a water balloon fight when they're both wearing winter coats. But whatever, it's date night, so everyone's off on prototypical American teenager dates. And of course, many are feeling awkward and strange because so much has happened in the last few months that I'm surprised they all haven't sprung full heads of grey hair. Haley says, "I think I'm going to go call Nathan." But wait! Luke's having none of that, because he tosses a water balloon that nails her right in the back. She spins around and screams, "Oh, oh, oh! You are so dead." Luke says, "I guess that one was a milk balloon." And let the games begin. The pair start tossing and, well, it'll only be moment before they both end up, ahem, wet.
Brooke and Mouth have ended up at some dance/strip bar. A half-naked girl bumps and grinds in a cage above Mouth's head. Brooke smiles: "I think she likes you!" Okay, no offence to Mouth or anything, but the kid looks like he's about twelve. There's no way any self-respecting bouncer would let him in anywhere that there were a) naked girls and b) alcohol being served. And there's no way that Brooke would have had time to get Mouth a fake ID like she did with Lucas, so it's a mystery how this night is progressing so well. He says, "So, thanks for bringing me out night. I've never been to a real club before." Brooke tells him that she's glad she brought him. Yeah? Yeah. Her hair's down now, and out of its ponytail. Brooke: "I enjoy corrupting America's youth; it's kind of one of my hobbies." Mouth says, "So was Lucas one of your test subjects?" Her face turns to stone at the mention of his name. She says coldly, "Can we not go there tonight." Mouth apologizes. Then he giggles. "That girl's practically naked up there." Brooke laughs and asks, "What? You don't like naked girls?" And finally, there's a character on this show actually acting his age; Mouth says, "Well, I've never actually seen one up close but from what I've found online, I'm thinkin' they're okay!" Heh. Mouth's a closet internet perv. Brooke stands up and gives him a look. What? She holds out her hand and asks coyly, "Want to find out for sure?" He's so game! He slaps his hand down on hers and gets up as Brooke says, "Let's do some damage."
Larry finds Karen looking through Peyton's artwork. She pauses on the one of Lucas, Peyton, and Brooke all shooting at his number, which is in a heart on fire. Larry says, "Kind of severe, huh?" Karen replies, "Kind of familiar actually." Pause. "You know when I was a cheerleader we buried a time capsule mid-field of the football stadium. I'll bet if you dug it up you'd find a faded version of the same thing our kids are going through now." Damn. There go those sparkles again. Larry says, "I've got a couple of shovels. Do you want to go find out?" Karen smiles and says, "Yeah!" And date night continues.
Nathan shows Peyton around the apartment complex. She thinks it's cool that he's got a pool. Does she want to go for a swim? Um, no, Peyton says that Nathan's the Boy Toy and he's supposed to do what she says tonight. Nathan chuckles, "Oh, just like old times." Peyton: "Please, you did whatever you wanted, and most of the time it was either sucky or mean." Nathan: "I know, but you let me." Peyton: "Well, maybe I kept thinking you'd change." Peyton asks, "Is this thing heated?" He tells her to check it out. So, Peyton bends over and tests the water, which of course leads to Nathan grabbing her around the waist and dragging her into the water with him. Oh, date night -- all over Tree Hill people are getting wet. Peyton screams. They come up to the surface. She screams, "Oh my god!" Nathan wipes the water from his eyes and laughs as he says that he slipped. Peyton screams, "What?" Nathan repeats, "I slipped!" Pause. "At least it's heated." And they're off wrestling in the swimming pool, both very, very wet.
Meanwhile, on top of Karen's Café, Luke's shoulder seems to be working just fine as he whips a balloon at Haley at full speed.
Peyton and Nathan continue their water fight.
Mouth's mouth waters as he gets a lap dance with Brooke sitting right beside him. Brooke says, "The real thing sure beats the internet, huh?" Mouth's mouth is completely agape as he says with deep sincerity, "The internet sucks." And I'm not going to take offence to that, even though I probably should. Sniff. The internet doesn't suck. It totally doesn't, okay? And there goes the bump and grind, and the bump of Mouth's particular grind on the stripper's leg, I'm sure.
Peyton and Nathan continue to frolic in the pool.
Haley and Lucas continue to throw water balloons at each other.
Meanwhile, Dim shows up at Deb's house. He walks into the front door calling out a cautious, "Hello!" Pause. "Deb?" Pause. "Miss Deborah?" From somewhere beyond Deb yells, "Come on in, Timmy, I'm in the bath." Tim's face opens up into a Cheshire grin. By the time Tim gets to the bathroom, he's totally disrobed except for a pair of zebra-striped panties that look like they once belonged to Steve-O. He sees Deb as she's pulling a clump of hair out of the drain in the bathtub and shrieks. Then Deb, noticing that he's decidedly without clothing, shrieks too. Dim attempts to cover himself, with one hand over his zebra print and the other over his chest. Deb screams again. Dim screams again. He races out of the bathroom. She races after him, calling, "Timmy! I'm so sorry, I don't know what gave you the impression that --" He grabs his pants and then tries to pull them on in a hurry, but like most things one tries to do quickly, he gets all tied up and stumbles more than he actually gets dressed. Tim's out of breath as he pulls up his pants, muttering, "Where's my shirt, where's my shirt." So, to help him, of course, Deb bends down to grab it, landing, of course, at zebra level. And Dan chooses just that moment to walk in unannounced. What does he see? Oh, only his estranged wife with her head right to Tim's zebra. Oh boy. Dan looks in disgust at the situation for a moment and then he cackles like the cad he is saying, "Oh, the lawyers are going to love this." Then, he leaves as quickly as a tornado, doing just as much damage. Poor Deb -- she's all befuddled, her hair's a mess, and she didn't even get her chores done. Damn zebras! I guess their camouflage doesn't work as well in the urban setting.
Haley crouches behind a plant and screams, "Lucas? Luke? I'm all out of balloons. Can we please call a truce?" From somewhere across the roof, he yells, "Is it a real truce or a trick truce?" Haley stands up and shouts, "It's a real truce, I promise." Okay. He stands up. She stands up. It's a draw, because neither actually meant the whole "truce" part, because they've both still got balloons. Luke throws his first and then he gets to Haley, squishes her in his arms, and forces the other balloon to the rooftop. In the tussle, Luke notices something. He stops, and his face falls. Haley's still laughing, though. He asks, "What's on your back?" Now her face falls, as she replies, "Nothing." Luke makes her stop, but she tries to get away. He asks, "Haley, is that a tattoo?" Luke lifts up her shirt, sees the tiny "23" tattooed right in the middle of her lower back, and proceeds to totally freak out: "Twenty-three, that's great, Hails. You see that's why I don't like the guy." She tries to interject but he's already on a rampage: "It's just like him, to get you branded with his jersey number right above your ass." In her defence, Haley insists that Nathan doesn't even know about it. They pause for a moment and contemplate their anger. The changing nature of their relationship. The fact that they'll probably be lovers by episode twenty-two of this damn show. She continues, "I just did it." By yourself? "Yeah, by myself." Luke: "Haley, why would you do that?" She answers quietly, "Because I'm in love with him." Aw, Haley, take it from a girl who knows -- you will grow out of that tattoo, and it will become an embarrassment to you. The one I got when I was eighteen is still okay, but the one I got the following year is totally not cool. And whenever I look at it, my only solace is that I didn't get the mermaid on the Harley, because I totally considered it. ["That sounds kind of awesome, actually." -- Sars]
Downstairs in the Café, Luke and Haley towel off, and he apologises for freaking out. Haley says, "You got one. You got one with a girl you're not even dating anymore." They pour hot chocolate mix into mugs. Luke says, "I know. How stupid do I look?" Does he want me to answer that question? Haley makes a good point: "You hold me to a higher standard than everyone else, Luke, and that's not fair." He leans on the counter. Where he puts weight on, you guessed it, his shoulder. What a magical injury that comes and goes as he pleases. Poor baby should just start shooting baskets; if he can toss a water balloon like a cannon, he can totally put the rock in the hole. See, I'm hip to the lingo, people. Luke says, "Look, I know it's not fair, okay, but that's because I've seen you be better than most people." Haley pours hot water into both of their mugs. "Let me see it again." She begrudgingly turns around and lifts up her shirt. He asks, "When did you do it?" A few days ago. "And Nathan had nothing to do with it?" Hmm, seems that Haley's the one holding a pot of boiling hot water, might not be a good time to insult her boyfriend. You know? Haley insists that Nathan had nothing to do with it; he doesn't even know. Then she runs her hand through her pretty, curly brown hair and says, "Oh, gawd, what am I going to do, Luke? I'm, I hate being away from him. I think about him constantly. I was in the middle of a history quiz yesterday and I just zoned out on him." Pause. "Maybe we're not going to be together for the rest of our lives, but I'm in love for the first time, and if I look at this tattoo twenty years from now and it reminds me of how I feel today, I think I'll be okay with that." Luke asks quietly, "Why didn't you buy Nathan at the auction? Why hide out with me?" Because she wanted to remember for a night how things used to be when it was just her and Lucas. Blah, the world changed so fast, blah memories, blah misty watercolor memories blah. Blah Haley's a mess blah. Luke says the nicest thing he's said all night: "You're not a mess, you're just in love." Tears well up in Haley's pretty eyes as she stirs her hot cocoa and says, "But I'm not sure if he is."
And cut to Nathan and Peyton in the pool, dissecting their own relationship. Now, they're floating by the side, just talking. And damn, it would be cold. He asks, "What happened to us, Peyton? We used to be good together." Peyton says honestly, "No we weren't. We just had sex a lot." Nate wants to know if she's sure about that. It's a good thing wood floats in water or else Peyton might have been in trouble. Peyton replies, "Trust me, you're the only guy I've been with, you knew that." Nathan says, "Yeah, it's just, I figured since we broke up, maybe." Peyton says, "Nope." Wow. Teenagers all over this episode are actually acting like teenagers. I'm impressed. Nathan says, "Yeah, me neither." He drifts closer to her in the water and says, "It's just sex, right?" And hell, they're already wet, why not re-enact the worst scene from Showgirls? Peyton shakes her head and stands up for herself, and for Haley: "You know what, Nathan? Haley really deserves better than that, she really, really likes you, and she's good for you. And more then that she trusts you." He interjects a small, withered "I know that." But Peyton's on her own rampage: "And yeah, we could do it right here in the pool and no one would know, but I would know and you would know, and I wouldn't do that to Haley, or myself, or to you for that matter." Peyton! "Because if you screw things up with your relationship with her, then you're a bigger jackass then even I thought." Nate shakes his head and says, "I know it would hurt Haley, the only reason I mentioned it was to let you know that I wasn't pressuring her." Peyton stutters for a minute about how she knew that; then Nate says something about how she told him he was good in bed. He laughs; she's mortified and dunks herself under the water. Wow. That's the most acting Peyton's done all season!
Nikki and Jake have finished their "meal" where she ate dessert and he sat with a sour expression on his face. As they walk back to the car, she says, "So I left school for good, you know. I thought I might transfer here." So, um, where's she staying? With her parents? The ones who didn't approve of Jake or Jenny? Does she have a job? What's she doing back in town, other than trying to get back with Jake and macking with Lucas? Jake opens the door as Nikki rambles on, "Can you at least tell me how she's doing?" He's totally silent as he gets in the car. She continues, "So I guess asking you how you're doing is out of the question. You look good." But before Jake can make his getaway, she pulls the keys from the ignition. Jake says coldly, "Give me back the keys, Nikki." She leans on his shoulder and starts coming in closer and closer. He says sternly, "Stop it!" But she's a vamp, she doesn't know how to stop it: "But I missed you, Jake, remember how good we were, I know it's been hard for you, I do, let me make it up to you." They start kissing, because he just can't resist her. She's irresistible, that one, that lopsided face just wants to be loved. Blah smooching, blah baby talk, blah heavy breathing blah. She whispers, "Come back to me." They make out. She whispers, "We can be a family." And reality comes crashing down onto the hood, breaking the windows before they get too steamed up. Jake pushes her off him and says, "Dammit!" Pause. "Dammit, Nikki. You almost had me again." Pause. "You want to impress me with your maternal instincts? Get out." They both get out of the car. Jake stands on the driver's side and says, "Why don't you go and buy all the things you think Jenny might need." Nikki says, "Okay." He continues, "And by the way, she's nine months old, just in case you forgot." Nikki says coldly, "I'll be fine." Before she heads into the grocery store, she tosses the keys back to him. Then she struts off like the little strumpet we all know she is -- what kind of game is she playing?
Keith comes into Whitey's office where he's taking off his tuxedo. Keith jokes, "So how did pimp duty go?" Woda says, "That's 'charity coordinator.'" Keith sits down and smiles: "Right, you just didn't want to raffle yourself off, right." Whitey chuckles his deep-down gut chuckle and says, "Nobody could afford me." The "secret" drawer with the "secret" stash is opened. Mugs magically appear on the desk. Whiskey somehow ends up in them, which seems to be a good thing for these two old dogs. Woda says, "I'm glad you came by, Keith. I've been wanting to ask you a question. When do you plan to start living?" Keith chuckles and tells Coach that he is living. Only not according to Woda. Oh, no, life according to Woda means that Keith sure ain't living. And here we go, right down that well-walked path of Whitey's relationship with Camilla. Oh yes, he'd go back in time just to spend a few more minutes with her, oh yes, that's what he would change. Because life just ain't worth living if you don't stand up for yourself and go git that woman. Because there ain't nothing better than being young and in love. Woda asks if Keith's in love with Karen. He admits that it is so, but that things have been messy since the accident and he doesn't have the nerve to tell her. Whitey: "There's something you need to understand. Every day you wait is a day you'll never get back again. Trust me on that, son, I know." Now, aren't they both making the assumption that Karen feels the same way? And what if she doesn't? It's just a whole other world of heartache for our boy Keith.
Mouth and Brooke are on their way somewhere else. She asks why he doesn't have a girlfriend. Mouth says it's because he's too nice and girls love jerks. Brooke rolls her eyes and says, "Tell me about it." Mouth says, "You mean, like Lucas?" Brooke shoots him a look: "I thought we weren't going to talk about him?" She bitches, "But I could just throw your ass out at the light." He laughs. "So let me ask you a question: what do girls want?" Moe, the driver, says, "Half your paycheque." Brooke gets all huffy and rolls up the window. She answers Mouth's question: "Here's my philosophy on dating. It's important to have somebody to make you laugh, somebody you can trust, somebody that, you know, turns you on, and it's really, really important that these three people don't know each other." And as if he couldn't see that punch line coming like a telephone pole to the head, Mouth cackles like Brooke's Margaret Cho or something.
Nikki gets back to the car with a paper bag full of baby stuff for Jenny. She's all excited. She says to Jake, "I got the cutest little stuffed animal." She hands it to him. He takes it, and then just reams into Nikki: "She has a purple monkey that she can't sleep without. Everything else she ignores." He tosses the horse onto the hood and continues through the rest of the bag: "You got the wrong formula. She needs the special kind because she wasn't breast-fed." And it too is tossed aside. "Oh, the alcohol in these wipes is bad for her skin." Slam! "I buy her special vitamins because she was a little underweight at her six-month check up." Whack. "Ha! She doesn't read." Toss. "She sure as hell doesn't smoke." He pulls the last thing out of the bag and says, "Ho! At least you got the most expensive kind of ice cream." Nikki says something for the first time in her own defence: "I got that for you. Because on our third date because all you said for life to be good was a pint of this ice cream." Okay, what boy philosophizes over ice cream? Honestly. Come forward if you do, because I've never met one. Doritos, maybe. Coke, perhaps, but ice cream? Come on, get serious. Nikki's crazy misshapen eyes well up with tears as she continues, "I want your life to be good, Jake. I want to be with that boy who told me those things. Where did he go?" Jake pushes her off of him again as he says, "You left him." Anger pause. "Dammit, Nikki, it's not fair for you to come back here and do this. It's not fair to me and it's not fair to Jenny." She says a teary "I still love you, you know." Jake quiets down for a minute as he says, "That's funny. I can't tell you how many times I spent wondering when I was going to hear you say that again." Emotion pause. "Just hoping that the time the phone rang that it would be you calling to say those words." Jake! "Now that you're here, I can't even remember why I needed to hear them." The anger pause sneaks up again. "You should recognize this move, Nikki, you perfected it; it's called turning my back and leaving you behind." And with that, with all the junk on the trunk, Jake turns his back, gets into the car, and leaves her behind. Oh, boo-hoo, Nikki -- you abandoned your baby's father and your baby, what did you expect? That he would welcome you back with freaking open arms? As if, and plus, Jake's too good for you. Ha!
A covert Larry and Karen head out onto the football field with two flashlights, a shovel, and a six-pack. Heh. Seems like a perfect date to me. He giggles. Karen says, "I don't know about this, Larry, we're trespassing." He counters with, "No we're not, our taxes paid for this place." She points out the fact that they're vandals and thieves. He says logically, "We move some dirt on a field that we paid for, get property that belonged to you, then put the dirt back. What could they charge us for?" Now it's Karen's turn to laugh: "Immaturity." He sticks his shovel in the field, grabs the beer, and says pointedly, "There's a difference between growing up and growing old, Karen." She grabs the shovel and sticks it hard into the ground. Oh, is the ground wet, by any chance?
Mouth and Brooke are at a dance club now. They're kicking it. Mouth's moving and grooving. Shakin' that ass. Watchin' himself. Shakin' that ass. He twirls his shirt above his head. He tells Brooke that he can't believe she does "this" every night. And that she lives the "greatest" life. Brooke sees a potential non-waste of her bikini wax standing by the bar. She heads over there after she gives and receives the "look." Bohunk #1 says, "You look hot tonight." Brooke smooches him. And then says, "So, what's your name?" Bohunk says, "You don't remember the last time we did this? Well, you were pretty wasted." And…The Fabulous Life Of…Brooke comes to a crashing halt. Bohunk continues, "Your name's Brooke, right?" They both look around at the various couples making out and drinking. He takes this as his cue; Brooke feels the walls closing in on her. Bohunk doesn't even notice: "So, Brooke, are we going to do this again, or what?" The music pulsates, and she just walks away looking like she's seen a ghost. Mouth notices right away, because he's the nice guy, remember. He asks, "Are you okay?" Brooke looks shell-shocked as she says, "I have to go home."
They are very quiet in the car ride home. Mouth asks patiently if something happened. She starts to cry and nods her head. Mouth moves closer, and sort of half embraces her to provide some comfort. Man, being Brooke right now must be really lonely. She says sadly, "How long have you known Lucas?" He says, "Since fourth grade, I transferred in." She whisper-cries, "You think he's a good guy?" Mouth replies, "I think he's a great guy." Pause. "Why?" She says, "Remember when I told you what girls want?" Mouth nods. She continues, "Girls just want someone to want them back." The tears flow. "At least I do." She leans on Mouth's shoulder and really lets it all come out.
Okay, Karen's totally plastered. She's on the field, while Larry's digging, doing old cheers. Ahem: "If you really wanna score you've got to dig a little more, I said, go, go Ravens go!" He laughs, because this fertile ground seems totally wet. "Oh!" he shouts. "We got treasure." They grab the chest and open it up. The first thing that Karen takes out is a Bon Jovi t-shirt from their Slippery When Wet tour. Of course, Larry says he saw that show, and that the Scorpions opened up for them. Larry finds a Ziploc bag full of old photos, and there's one of her and Dan. But wait, who's lurking around in the back but Keith? And ew. He just looks creepy there hanging out in the background. Larry says, "Check out the hair." Karen says, "Oh, I don't think I ever noticed Keith in the picture before." Larry says, "Well, the kid in the background is definitely in love with the girl in the foreground." And if that shovel could hop up and put me out of my misery now, I'd truly appreciate it. Hell, I'd prefer to be the Bride in Kill Bill Volume 2. Of course, Whitey and Keith find Karen and Larry. Of course, Karen stutters about what they're doing there. Of course, Keith struts off in a huff because Karen's with another man. Boo bloody freaking hoo. Karen watches wistfully as Keith storms away. Why should she be held hostage by his emotional blackmail? He has no right to be mad at her. They're not involved. They're not together. And he's never told her how he feels. He needs to grow up, plain and simple.
Peyton's borrowed some of Nathan's sweats and is towelling her hair in the bathroom. She says, "It's nearly midnight. Looks like our date's nearly over." Nate sits on his bed and plays with a basketball. He says, "I think I was hitting on you in the pool." Peyton says sarcastically, "You think you were?" He replies, "I don't know anymore. This whole good guy thing is new to me. I guess I'll always have feelings for you, Peyton." Emotional pause. "But I owe it to Haley to be a better guy than I've been. And I just don't want to be the kind of guy that cheats on her." Peyton says quietly, "Then don't be." She tells him that she's proud of him, "you know standing up to your dad and being a good guy for Haley." She smiles: "You're turning into the kind of guy I always knew you could be."
Haley and Lucas climb up the stairs to Nate's apartment. Luke's surprised that he's living on his own. They're almost there when Haley realizes she forgot some CDs she had for him in the car. She says, "It's apartment eleven, why don't you just go on in." Her hair's very curly. It looks cute. She continues, "Hey, ask him if he's in love with me, and if he says no break up with him for me please." Luke laughs and says, "Okay." Luke tries to leave, but Haley grabs him for a second: "Seriously, say something nice, okay? He really is a different person." Luke nods and heads toward the apartment as Haley heads down the stairs.
Peyton and Nathan come out into the front room. She says that she had better get going. Nate says sweetly that by "rule" he owes her a "kiss." Peyton laughs and says she guesses so. Of course, Lucas comes to the window at that very moment and makes all kinds of assumptions. Well, let's take stock of what he sees. Peyton wearing Nathan's clothes. Peyton with wet hair. Nathan in an undershirt and sweatpants. And a kiss. It's not a peck on the cheek, but it's a sweet, "here's to the end of our relationship" kiss -- but it's easily misinterpreted. Like much of tonight's date night. So, Luke sees the kiss and jumps back against the wall so he isn't seen. On the whole, though, he would have been smarter to knock on the door and say something instead of skulking away and not finding out the whole story.
After the break, Luke meets Haley at the car and tells her that there wasn't anyone home. Haley pulls out her phone and tries to call Nathan. She gets voicemail. She jokes, "I guess they're not done yet. I told you Peyton was easy." Luke opens the door for her and gives a passable fake laugh. He'll take her home. Only his face betrays what he really thinks, that Nathan's a lying, cheating bastard. Only it's not the truth, and so much of this bloody show's problems rest on these silly contrived situations where no one tells the truth. Didn't Luke's life just fall apart because he didn't tell the truth? Doesn't he know better? Now he's trying to protect Haley, just as he was trying to protect Brooke -- and we all know how that turned out, right?
Brooke takes Mouth home. He says, "I guess I should have told my parents I was going to be out late." My guess is that he's locked out of the house. He continues, "I'm not sure this was such a good idea." She tells him he needs to live a little. Mouth says that it's not that, it's that a night with Brooke is like "flying first class" and he's going to have trouble going back to his life in coach. He says, "It's going to be hard going back to it." Brooke says wistfully that her life isn't all it's cracked up to be. Mouth doesn't know what's going on with her and Lucas, but he does know Luke is a really good guy. Mouth continues, "I've never been very good at sports, I mean, I'm little, you know?" Pause. "But when I decided I wanted to be a sports announcer, Lucas introduced me to the guys at the River Court, and he made me feel like I belonged." Brooke's eyes are all watery. Mouth continues, "He has a good heart, and as far as I can tell, you do too. I'll be really surprised if you two couldn't work things out." Brooke whisper-cries, "Thank you." Mouth smiles and tells her he should be getting home. He jokes, "That stripper might booty call me." Mouth tries to walk away, but Brooke calls him back and then plants one on him: a little mouth-to-Mouth. He says bashfully, "Oh, right, for the charity thing." Brooke smiles and says, "No, just 'cause." Mouth says, "Hey Brooke, thanks! This was the greatest night of my life." Brooke pulls up her boots and gets back into the limo with a heavy heart and a much emptier wallet.
Luke drops Haley off at home. She undoes her seat belt and jokes, "Well, did you have fun tonight, slave boy? Thanks for playing along." Luke's serious, though, because he is always serious. This boy lost his sense of humour in the first episode and he has yet to find it. I hope he does find it soon, because enough of brooding, unhappy Luke. Let's get back to the reason why these girls found him attractive in the first place. Sigh. Luke's not going to be anything other than serious now, though. He says, "Look, Haley, I know we've grown apart a bit lately, and I know we have a lot ahead of us. I just want you to know that I'll always be there for you." And here we go sharing things again. Why does date night always end up with people pouring their hearts out to one another? I know we had enough of everyone getting it on, but I'm thinking this moping around being overly honest, unbearably truthful, and ridiculously contrived isn't much better. He continues, "If Nathan doesn't see how special you really are, then he's an idiot, because I think you're amazing." She says, "Thanks Luke." But just as she's about to exit the car, Haley reminds him about the "technical good night kiss." Luke says, "Oh, yeah, rules are rules." They lean into one another, and the Ghost of Things to Come swirls around my head, booing and hooing about how Haley and Lucas are meant to be together. Haley stops just short of Luke's lips and says quickly, "Here's the thing, though, if your tongue comes anywhere near my mouth I'm just never speaking to you again." Luke laughs. He actually chuckles and then gives her a very friendly peck. They embrace. Just before she leaves, he says, "Haley, you're going to be okay, I promise you that." Haley gets out of the car and leaves Luke behind squinting his eyes together, pursing his lips, and brooding. Oh. Wait. I keep forgetting that that's CMM acting. What's he pondering? How he's going to "get" Nathan now that he thinks he cheated on Haley? How could Peyton do that to both him and Haley? Again, all of this could have been cleared up had Luke just talked to them both. And now how many episodes of angry Luke are we going to have to endure before it all is straightened out? Honestly?
Nikki stands on Jake's porch as a lap steel guitar twangs in the background. It's The Music of Regret This Date Night. Jake comes to the door, but once he sees it's Nikki, he tries to close it, saying, "Nikki, don't do this." She stops him with a "Jake! Please!" Her head's tilted to one side, and it makes her face look even more lopsided. She continues, "Keeping Jenny away from me because I hurt you is wrong." She looks past him into the house, searching for her daughter. Jake looks behind him and walks out onto the porch, shutting the door. It's a metaphorical thing, yawn. Nikki begs, "Can't you just forgive me?" He says, "It was a Wednesday." What was? "The day I realized you weren't coming back." Emotional pause. "I loved you, you knew I loved you. I would have done anything for you, but you betrayed me. It was that same Wednesday I stopped loving you." Angry pause. "And I promised myself that my daughter would never feel the pain that you caused me." He turns to go back inside, but before then, he administers the final Nikki smackdown: "Do you want to hear me say it? Fine. You broke my heart, Nikki, but you will never break my daughter's heart because you will never, ever have the chance to." Oh boy. Now things are getting ugly. Nikki threatens, "I'm going to be in her life, Jake, with you or without you." Now that's just wicked; more teenagers in court. Isn't that just what this show needs? Another few weeks of angst-infused storylines including Nikki trying to get her daughter back. Yeah, that'll ensure the romance between Peyton and Jake really gets hopping. This show is so silly.
Karen and Larry come into the house through the kitchen door. How many doors are there to Karen's place? Luke's got one in his room, there's one in the kitchen, and we all know there's a front door. How strange. Anyway. Karen smiles and asks if he wants some coffee. Larry politely declines because it's getting late. She tells him that she had a good time, that she didn't do much of "this" in high school. Larry smiles and says, "Maybe time we can do something less juvenile." Karen laughs: "Oh, well, if we have to." He looks at her. She looks at him. She looks away. He says, "I know you have some history with Keith, and I hope I didn't cause any problems tonight." Karen admits, "No." Larry tells her that he likes her, "for what it's worth." She tells him that she likes him too, but he's right, she and Keith have history. But, she says, "I'm just not sure we have a future." He nods, and then gives her a quick, relatively passionate kiss that seems to take Karen aback. Yet she doesn't even have time to bask in the after-date glow, because her doorbell rings. Yes, the front door. And it's ole Hound Dog at the door. Karen's surprised to see Keith. He says, "It's not too late, is it?" She asks him if everything's okay, and he's says not really: "These last few weeks have been the hardest of my life. Being without you and Lucas, on the outside of your lives, I felt like a shadow of someone I used to be." Karen looks up at him and feels her past crashing into her future crashing into her right now. "I know I let you down and I put Lucas at risk, but you have to know that I love Lucas and I've been carrying this around with me since the night of the accident." He pulls out the ring and opens it up. "I love you, Karen." She looks at the ring. "I always have. Marry me." She doesn't say anything; she just looks up at him with her saucer eyes and wonders how this plays into the not really having a future with Keith and the smoochy-smooch she just participated in with Larry Sawyer.
Luke contemplates the hoop down at the River Courts. So we know it's after midnight. Do none of these kids have a curfew? Anyway, a tearful Brooke approaches Luke, saying that she needs to talk to him. He says quietly, "Okay." She launches right into it: "I spent the entire night trying to avoid this or ignore it, but I can't so I've just got to say it." Brooke, what's up? She says, "I think I'm pregnant." And I know we've said it loud, we've said it on the forums, we've said it to each other, and we've screamed it on the mountain tops, but does no one in Tree Hill know how to effectively use birth control? And why is pregnancy the issue du jour for every single person on this damn show? Can we not get through a season without someone having a kid they don't want? How many public service announcements for the dangers and troubles of unplanned pregnancy can we honestly take? It's just way, way too over the top. Enough with the drama already, it's overwhelmingly idiotic. Shall I tell you how I really feel?
week on OTH: Luke and Brooke walk away together. Nathan yells at Haley, "You'll do something that permanent but you won't have sex with me?" Luke gets into it with Nathan about the kiss with Peyton. Luke tells Karen that Brooke's pregnant, and she slaps him. Dan confronts Luke, who says, "Your advice is to abort a child the way you would have aborted me?" Ouch. Luke cries on his mommy's shoulder because he doesn't know what he's going to do. I guess there's no end to the drama week. What was I thinking?