By Ragdoll
Well, according to TPTB, nothing came before this week, because we jump right in to the "Annual Boy Toy Auction," where you can "rent a Varsity Raven for the night!" Woo hoo! Let's hope this is a truly annual occasion, not like the "annual" festivals they have on Gilmore Girls where every year has about sixteen different celebrations we never see again. Anyone remember the Dance-a-Thon? Anyway. The crowd's a-hopping as gaggles upon gaggles of girls head on into the gym for the auction. Of course, in a bit of casting genius, the southern lilt of Whitey makes for a perfect auctioneer. In the background, we hear him yelling, "Come on! Let's get those bids up; it's the Annual Boy Toy Auction!" Women count their money and listen as he shouts, "Okay, I've got thirty-five dollars, do I hear forty! Oh, come on, people! It's for charity!" There's an "extra" Raven modeling a nice suit on the runway. The credits roll underneath as the lights flash and Mouth hangs onto a headset. I guess in addition to his sportscasting duties, he doubles as the A.V. Club geek. "Do I hear forty-five? Forty-five! Do I hear fifty?" Whitey looks a-mighty handsome in his monkey suit. A girl screams, "Fifty dollars!" Whitey points at her and shouts, "Fifty dollars!" He looks around and continues, "Remember, this is your chance to have these boys at your beck and call for one night. Do I hear fifty-five?" Whitey holds out his gavel as an open challenge. He gets fifty-five dollars for the extra Raven. Slam! Sold at fifty-five!
Outside the gym, Sherri, with a fancy man-bang-inspired haircut, denies Brooke her Boy Toy. Apparently, you can't pay with a credit card, no matter if it's platinum. Sherri says, "I'm sorry. Auction rules say cash only." Brooke leans in (she looks fabulous, by the way; her hair is in a pretty side ponytail and her eye make-up looks fantastic) and says, "Here's the thing. I'm kind of coming out of a dark place right now. And I could really use the distraction. I need this boy and I need him tonight." Sherri insists, "I understand, but by rule I have to give him to the highest bidder if she has the money in hand." Sure, Sherri says she's sympathetic, but her clammy little Booster Mom hands sure grab the bills quickly from the highest bidder. In a funny little bit of I Love Lucy faux-comedy, Brooke and Sherri do a tug-of-boy as the sign is taken away from our girl and handed to her competitor. Brooke bitches, "That did not just happen because I had an entire evening planned." She puts her hand on her hip and blows hard: "What am I supposed to do now?" Sherri says calmly through her bangs, "Well, there are four boys still up for auction and a cash machine right down the street." Brooke fumes for a minute, says okay, and then trots off to access the bank of Mommy 'n' Daddy.