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"Witch Hunt" may just the best episode of Once Upon A Time, ever. Okay, let's remove the finales, so this is a fair game. There. Now, do you see what I mean? The fairy tale enchanted (sorry) me. The Storybrooke scenes overwhelmed me. I loved every little little bit.
In the recently Enchanted Past, Green (the Wicked Witch, i.e. Zelena) is Regina's sister, um -- elder half sister -- and her greenliness is pissed that her queenliness received so much attention from Cora and Rumpy. Is Rumpy Zelena's pater -- possibly, but we're not getting there this week, so I'm not going there, yet. (Still, let's not forget her complexion.)
Regina (with an assist from Robin) finally achieves an initial confrontation with her/their foe. However, Zelena then flies away on her broomstick, because FLYING BROOMSTICK! There are things to mention here, like sleeping curses and Roland, but I'm still all BROOMSTICK! FLYING!
Presently, most of the Storybrookers (naturally) suspect that Regina cast the current curse under which they're laboring. She didn't of course, and thank goodness Emma already realizes this, so Henry's moms work together to smoke out the villain of the day/week/half season. I just want to kiss every frame of this episode, yet I suspect my bussing is better left for the full write up.
I'll be back with the recap, ASAP. In the meantime, please grade the episode up top, and then join us on the boards, where everyone understands I have flying monkeys and am not afraid to use them. I even have a sign on my desk that says so. No, really. My kids gave it to me, years ago, long before I covered this show.
Want more? The full recap starts right below!Previously on Once Upon A Time Regina finds herself mystically locked out of her palace and grounds. Snow wonders who is in there. Cut to Zelena (Rebecca Mader) who says, "The Queen may be evil, but I'm wicked, and wicked always wins."
We open a year ago, in the Enchanted Forest. At Knifingham Palace, Zelena gets a gander at Regina's chamber. "Look at all her things. Onyx, black pearl, diamonds." She holds a diamond and ruby earring up to her ear and admires herself in the mirror. "A family could live off of what this is worth. She just left it all behind. Ha." Oh tone it down, Zelena. I don't mean your coos and scoffs. I mean the greenness of your skin. Sure, "Witch Hunt" aired the night before St. Patrick's Day, but even the Kellys are like, "That's a bit much, cailín".
A frigging flying monkey flaps his wings and squawks in response. These monkeys are so well done and hideously creepy. Pawing through Regina's wardrobe, Zelena continues to carp about Regina. "Such pretty things, all wasted on her." She pulls out a grey gown with black accents, and in a puff of green smoke, she's wearing it. That is not what I would have lifted from Regina's closet, especially if I was a Kelly green-skinned ginger and didn't have Sebastian Stan as an accessory. Zelena disagrees with me, as she admires herself in yet another mirror. "Now, that's how you wear a dress." When the monkey again squawks in approval, Zelena says, "I know I look lovely. Now go find the Evil Queen, and let her know that I'm here. And no, there's no need to be gentle." I already love her.
We cut to the traveling party of returnees. Ruby is back, live and in ever-loving, living color! Here, I owe you some clarification. In last week's recaplet of "New York City Serenade," I said Red/Ruby was "photoshopped" into the return scene, this is because my technical knowledge is zilch. Similarly, in the recap, I called her CGRuby or similar. Both of those references were meant as quips, not as technical explanations. I could tell Meghan Ory wasn't on scene with the rest of the actors, which is all I was trying to highlight. Adam Horowitz later told me Ory wasn't photoshopped in; they shot her so she is moving. He added, "We shot it out of sequence and did composite it into the existing footage but it wasn't a still photo."
While re-watching "New York City Serenade," as I wrote the full recap, I saw Ory move, but didn't correct how I characterized it in the recaplet, nor did I let that inform how I referred to her appearance in the recap. I was annoyed that while Ruby wasn't at the Storybrooke town line when Regina undid the curse, she was plopped into return scene. I am sorry for mischaracterizing how Ruby was added to the scene, because it sounds to me like the show went to a lot of trouble to make sure she was moving, etc., and I never meant to mislead anyone. I don't apologize for saying it was dumb that she was in the return scene, though. My objection to Ruby's appearance is thoroughly detailed in the "New York City Serenade" recap, but to sum it up -- either everyone returns to the Enchanted Forest in the position they assumed at the town line, or they don't, Show. Still, it was thoughtful of Adam Horowitz to explain it to me, so thank you, Adam.
Back to the story. Walking alongside Snow, Ruby says, "Seems like old times, doesn't it?" Yes it does, you pretty thing. So glad to have you back. "...except not running from Regina, but with her." Oh, you were talking to Snow. Sorry to interrupt. The Fairest ignores my faux pas and tells Ruby, "She's changed -- I have to believe for the better." Of course you do. Ruby plays audience stand-in when she adds that she hopes this change for the better sticks, then notes that Regina doesn't look like she's doing well. "If she hadn't tried to hurt us so many times, I might be worried about her." Jane Espenson, you are a gifted lantern-hanger. You understand how the audience feels about Snow giving Regina unlimited chances at redemption. Sometimes, an in-text acknowledgement makes it easier to accept.
With Charming by her side, Snow checks on Regina and asks if she's thinking about Henry. Regina says she always is, but then brightens her voice as she says she was also thinking that the tunnels beneath the castle may run beneath the reach of the spell. Regina thinks she can get inside and lower the shield, so that Snow and Charming can send in their army.
The conversation is interrupted by a shrieking, flying monkey, which knocks Neal to the ground. the monkey flies toward wee Roland. Regina grabs the boy and carries him out of harm's way, then puts a whammy on the beast. With a puff of (a different) purple smoke, it turns into a stuffed animal version of itself (sans wings) and falls to the ground. Regina picks it up and hands it to Roland. "See, not so scary. Now you have a new toy." Robin, who now has his child in his arms is out of breath as he thanks Regina. We flash forward a year, to...
Storybrooke. In the parlor at Granny's, Emma tells her parents that Henry is asleep, upstairs, and tells them if he wakes up, their cover is that they're helping her with her case. "So what the hell happened here?" She gestures towards her mother's baby bump, then adds, "...I mean, except besides the obvious." Hook looks like he wants to crack wise, but manages to keep his lip buttoned, which is probably a sound choice, since Charming, who has been tending to the fireplace, has an iron poker in hand.
Snow and Charming explain that from their perspective, they watched Emma and Henry drive over the town line. Regina started to cast the Undo spell, then everything went black. The thing they can remember is waking up in bed, like it was any other morning in Storybrooke. Acknowledging her belly, Snow adds, "Except it clearly wasn't." Hook can't help it, any longer. Cocking his eyebrows at Charming, he says, "Almost harvest time, but you can't remember the planting. That's bad luck, mate." Emma and Snow roll their eyes.
Emma says she's been in New York and knows a year has passed. When the Charmings aren't sure if they even left Storybrooke, Hook confirms they did. He tells them about arriving and meeting up with Aurora and Phillip. When they decided to head to Regina's castle, he wasn't feeling the "community spirit" so he took off on his own. Since they were headed to Regina's, the last anyone knew, Emma isn't surprised they ended up cursed. Snow argues that Regina seems as clueless as they rest of them. Emma maintains a healthy dose of skepticism about that. It's Charming, though, who asks the question that most interests me. Turning to Hook, he says, "I don't understand, if you left the Enchanted Forest before the curse, how did you know to find Emma and come to Storybrooke?"
Emma narrows her eyes and considers Hook, as he answers, "As I was sailing the realms, a bird landed on my ship's wheel, with a note instructing me to retrieve Emma and bring her back here. There was a small vial of memory potion tied to its leg." Hook claims he assumed Snow sent it to him. Charming says, "Message via bird. It does sound like you." August would feel slighted, except he left the show last season. Now, raise your hand if you think Hook is telling the the truth, the whole truth, and nothing but the truth, here. Anyone? Bueller? Me, neither.
What annoys me is that none of the brain trust asks Hook how the hell he managed to get to this world. To be fair, before anyone gets a chance, Grumpy and Happy enter to report they've lost another dwarf. When Grumpy says they're down to five, Happy corrects him. "Four, actually. Bashful's not answering." Everyone explains to Emma that people have started going missing, but aside from the dwarfs, they're not sure, because of all the confusion over the past few days.
When Emma asks if Neal is here, Hook's expression grows worried, but there's also a darkness in his eyes that might be jealousy, or might be guilt. Oh, Killian, I love you, but right now I trust you not one single bit. Snow says they haven't found him yet. Hook's voice is low as he says, "He'll turn up, Swan. He always does." Charming adds that some people are setting up camp at the woods, on the edge of town and suggests Neal might be there. Snow notes Neal might not have gotten swept up by the curse, at all. Emma says they've got to get their memories back, and to do that, they have to figure out who took them in the first place. On her broomstick, Zelena flies across the title card.
A year ago, in the Enchanted Forest, the party speculates about what attacked them. Grumpy says, "If I didn't know better, I'd say it looked a lot like a monkey." Gee, ya think? I mean, when Regina whammied it, it turned into a stuffed monkey. Charming is taken aback by the idea of a monkey with wings. I had a rant here, but I suspect it was overkill and I do love this episode, so let's move along.
When Charming dims on about a "monkey with wings," Regina, bless her, says, "Yes, that's exactly what it is." Neal -- son of Rumpelstiltskin -- who spent years and years in the non-cursed portion of our world, dumbs, "Okay, you're acting like that's normal." Book-smart Belle says it is, "...but not here. There's only one land that has creatures like that. I've read about it. Oz." Snow says, "Oz. That's a real place?" Regina confirms it is, and says it's clear who's taken over "our" castle: the Wicked Witch. Grumpy: "Are we talking East or West?" Snow: "Does it matter? Neither one sounds good." Grumpy's expression and voice are so earnest when he answers, "Well, one you drop a house on, the other you toss a bucket of water at." Hee. Snow's nod seems to say, "Excellent point, old friend." Charming asks what Regina did to Wicked. Regina says she didn't do anything. She's never even met the witch. Charming: "So, this time it isn't a personal vendetta. Shocking!" Ha.
Charming says they'll arm up, and attack, assuming Regina can get the magical shield down. Snow wants to accompany her, but Regina says it's a one-woman job. Snow reminds her about the flying monkeys. Regina: "I don't care if the Lollipop Guild is protecting her, I can lower that shield on my own." When Snow says they'll wait for Regina on the other side, Regina's face makes it clear she doesn't expect to see them, again. Her look is not lost on Robin. We flash forward to...
Storybrooke. At Granny's Diner, Ruby nearly says Henry's name as she serves him a cup of hot cocoa. When he asks her how she knows he likes cinnamon on it, she covers by saying he has a "cinnamon kind of face." And you know what? He does. When her parents enter the diner, Emma introduces them as David and Mary Margaret. Henry whispers to his mother as he asks if they're bail jumpers. Emma stammers that they're old friends, but while she's saying they met here, Snow blurts, "Phoenix." Henry is discreet as he says to his mother that he only thought she was in Phoenix was she was in "that place." Picking up on her grandson's discomfort, Snow does her best to normalize Emma's checkered past, by pretending she has one too. "Right, we were cellmates." Henry asks what she was in for. Snow: "Banditry." I love you, Jane Espenson. Snow chirps about making mistakes, but moving forward. Henry asks if they knew his dad. No one wants to talk to Henry about any of this, so Charming jumps in with a too-wide smile and suggests they order.
Spotting Henry, Regina drops her coffee cup to the floor. She stutters out an apology for startling them. Emma goes to her and says they need to talk. In the back room, Regina's eyes are teary as she whispers to Emma that Henry looked right through her. Emma reminds her Henry doesn't remember her. Regina: "But you clearly do. Why are you here?" Emma: "Storybrooke. A new curse. A missing year. What do you think?" She then explains Hook found her, and gave her his only dose of memory potion. Regina finds that convenient, but assures Emma she didn't cast this curse. Emma freely expresses her doubt, but Regina's rebuttal is solid. Why would she do all this to get Emma to bring back Henry, when he has no memory of her (Regina). "If I wanted my son back, do you think I'd put myself through this kind of torture? I cast curses to hurt other people, not myself." They agree they have to figure out who is behind this, and Regina manages to snark on Emma's superpower in the process.
Robin Hood and his Band of Merry Men are near the town line. Oh, okay, this is who is camping out. I wondered who Charming meant, in that earlier scene at Granny's Bed and Breakfast. Little John has a snazzy new, stolen crossbow. He aims at a turkey and misses by only a couple of inches. Robin laughs that the new bow has improved Little John's aim. John runs off after his prey, but as he approaches the town line, the hunter becomes the hunted. No, the turkey doesn't turn on him. They will, though. We have a sizable gobble of turkeys in my neighborhood. I've seen them chase children, and they once trapped my friend's husband in his car. In this case, though, it's a flying monkey that's our worry. He scoops up Little John and flies him away. Commercial.
Emma and Charming interview Robin and his men at the Storybrooke city limits. Emma warns Robin not to step over the line. Charming says it's starting to make sense, because the dwarfs had been patrolling the town line when they disappeared. Oh, Hook's here, too. Why? Robin can't quite identify the flying beast who stole his friend, from his description though, Emma says it sounds a lot like the monster who attacked her, back in New York. Hook says, "You mean the monster you were going to marry?" Ha. Oh, that's why he's here. Charming looks from Hook to Emma. "You were going to marry someone?" Hook: "Did you just miss the part where I said 'monster'?" I think he did, Killian. Emma thinks this may lead them to the other missing persons. "David, take [Robin] and his..." When she hesitates, Robin offers, "Merry Men." Much as she couldn't even, where Tinker Bell's name was concerned, Emma can't make herself say it. She tells dad to take "them" to run a search grid to see if they can find John. Meanwhile, Emma is off to try to talk to everyone else.
At Town Hall, Emma tries to quiet everyone down, so they'll listen to her. They need to stay away from the town line, because that's where the monster seems to be grabbing everyone. When Belle asks who cursed them, Grumpy is sure it was Regina. Regina takes offense and assures them she's as clueless as the rest of them. No one believes her, so she takes even more offense and points out if she had done this, she'd have Henry back. Emma makes a public show of not believing Regina, which would tick me off, except I've seen the whole episode. Finally, Regina tells them if they want her to be the Evil Queen, that's exactly who they'll get. With outstretched arms, Regina makes the whole building tremble, then disappears in a puff of purple smoke. Emma runs off in search of her. Zelena, sans green-face, smiles to herself. We flash back one year to the...
Enchanted Forest. Regina raises a boulder into the air and tosses it across the forest, then notices Robin Hood, bearing a torch (nice touch, show), standing a bit off. Regina tells him he is not coming with her, but he won't hear of letting her go alone. He says the flying monkey wasn't after Roland, but rather, Regina. The child just happened to be in the way. Since this is the second time Regina was attacked the witch must want her dead. Robin owes Regina a debt for saving his boy. Regina riffs on honor among thieves. Robin teases the Evil Queen about having a soft spot for children. Finally, Regina sighs in acquiescence, then warns Robin not to get in her way. We flash forward to...
Storybrooke. Emma tracks Regina down in her office. Their whole scene in the town hall was a set up, and they congratulate themselves, because it seems everyone bought their act. Emma says, "Now let's figure out who really cursed this town." Commercial. (Oh Jane, did you just rib your sponsors? Talk about wicked.)
After the break is a lovely scene, of the kind that is all too rare on this show. Emma gives Regina the bottle that contained her memory potion. While it's not enough to use to wake everyone, the dregs may just be enough to replicate. Regina is gracious as she thanks Emma for believing her when no one else does. Emma says that while her "superpower" isn't perfect, she always knows when Regina is lying. She knows Regina didn't do this. Regina: "Even though you know I can't live without him?" Emma smiles. "There you go. Telling the truth, again." We flash back a year, to the...
Enchanted Forest. In the tunnels Regina explains to Robin that there's a fire in the castle courtyard that powers the shield, so she needs to put it out, and he needs to stay out of her way. She guides him through the booby traps she's laid in the tunnels, "...to keep people like you out." They banter about their respective reputations and owning their mistakes, then Regina asks what happened to Roland's mother. Robin says he inadvertently put her in harm's way during a job, then just in case Regina has been struck with a rapid-onset infection of stupidity, he adds, "It was my fault. Like I said, I own my mistakes." When they get to the door, Regina is shocked to find it open. "I sealed it with blood magic. I'm the only one who can open it." Robin says, "Clearly not. It appears the Wicked Witch is a formidable foe."
Inside the crypt is Cora's coffin. Regina tells Robin it's her mother's and says she too has lost people about whom she cared. Robin can tell she's lost a child, too. He could tell by the way she grabbed Roland that she has the touch of a mother. He wonders where her son is now. Regina says he's not dead. "He's just lost to me, forever." Robin wonders if the witch is too powerful and if they should abort this plan, but Regina won't hear about it. We flash forward to...
Storybrooke. Seated across from Henry at the diner, Snow exclaims in horror, as she reads about cradle cap in a book titled The New American Baby and Childcare Guide. Henry can't take his eyes off his handheld video game, so Snow is basically talking to herself. I still like the theory that his game is the equivalent of his Once Upon A Time book, for this iteration of the curse. That said, I think there's chance that his game/games could be cursed objects that are working to keep the heart of the truest believer in a trance. What if Walsh is the one who gave these games to Henry, huh? Anyhow, Snow is concerned at how spellbound Henry is (by the game). She suggests they go to the library. "I know how much you like reading." Henry asks how she could know that. Snow lies, poorly, that Emma told her. Henry says he'll get his coat and be right back.
Alone at the booth, Snow continues to fret over cradle cap. Non-green Zelena, seated at a nearby table, assures her it doesn't harm the baby, then says, "You're Snow White, aren't you?" Snow says she's Mary Margaret in Storybrooke, which is a distinction that could have been made a bit more artfully, like by saying, "Yes, but please call me Mary Margaret." I know the writers like to use the fairy tale names in the Enchanted Forest and the mundane names in Storybrooke, but that was just awkward, Show. When Snow asks, Zelena confirms this is her first time in Storybrooke. "I missed the last curse, so everything in this world is a bit new." It would actually be fun to watch her struggle to adapt to modern American living. I've never understood why the show is hesitant to go the fish-out-of-water route, when it can. The premise just invites it. Cora did show some discomfort, but Hook adapted pretty easily. I mean, hell, he can find his way around Manhattan better than I could, with a smart phone and Google Maps.
When Snow asks Zelena who she was back in their land, Zelena says, "No one you would remember. Not everyone was famous, like you. [...] You were a princess, and some of us were just supporting players." She rises and walks to Snow's table. "I was a midwife." She reassures Snow that she'll learn quickly. Snow wonders if Zelena would be willing to give her some advice, since she's already dog-eared every page of her childcare book. Zelena welcomes this invitation to infiltrate Snow's life by saying it would be an honor. Then, with a "May I?" she reaches out and lays her hand on Snow's belly. My whole family yells, "Don't let her touch your belly," but Snow doesn't listen. She's too busy basking in Zelena's attention and faux fangirling. "Helping Snow White with her baby! I can't think of anything that would make me happier." Commercial.
Sidebar. You know what would be a neat twist -- if Zelena actually intends to be nice and do good to everyone Regina once harmed. I think it was her mention of being a midwife that led me to this thought. In our world's past, women were accused of witchcraft, because they delivered the babies, tended to the sick, prepared the dead. They cooked. They had working knowledge of herbs and other plants. Men who didn't understand this knowledge feared it -- were suspicious of it. I think I'd love it if Zelena actually was a midwife, and intends no harm to Snow, Charming, etc., and is only focused on Regina (and later, we'll learn Rumple). It might make for good story if she isn't evil and is only wicked. Since Zelena seems to be turning people into flying monkeys, though, (or allowing her weremonkeys to do so) this is just wishful thinking.
Charming, Hook, Robin, etc. search the woods until they find an unconscious Little John. He has a terrible bite on his shoulder. When Hook says he's never seen a bite like that before, I have trouble believing him. What are you up to, you dashing rapscallion? We flash back a year to the...
Enchanted Forest. When they reach Regina's chamber, she tells Robin to keep watch, then starts pulling out ingredients to create a potion. Understandably suspicious, Robin pulls an arrow from his quiver and readies his bow as he demands to know what Regina is doing. She takes Regina-ly umbrage at being threatened in her own castle, and magically throttles him. Robin says even if she kills him, his arrow will leave his magical bow and find its target, then again asks what she's making. Regina admits she's making a sleeping curse. Robin asks if it's the kind she made on Snow White. Regina says the first one came from Maleficent, but she's finally learned to make one of her own, which she actually did, last season, when they put Charming under. Nice callback, Show.
Regina doesn't intend to use the curse on the Wicked Witch, but instead, on herself. Robin tries to stop her, but Regina magically freezes him in place. Still, since he can speak, he tells her he felt the same way when he lost his wife. He felt he had no reason to go on, but then he found one -- his son. Regina says that's where they're different. "I already lost Henry. I already lost the only thing I care about." Robin tells her she can still find a new reason. "We all get a second chance, Regina. You just have to open your eyes to see it." When Robin chides her for giving up, Regina tells him the curse can be broken by the only true love in her life -- her son. She assures him she'll lower the protection spell before she curses herself, but then she's going to sleep. We flash forward a year to...
Storybrooke. The memory potion is done cooking. Regina takes a swig, then throws the beaker across her office. She figures she must have missed an ingredient, and she already used up all the dregs from Emma's dose. There's nothing left to replicate. Emma says that since this plan didn't work, they can still catch the person who cursed them. "We've been running a con by making this potion in secret. What if we're running the wrong con?" Regina: "I'm sorry. I'm not well versed in cons. Unlike you, I never spent time in prison." You were arrested, held, and nearly had your head divorced from your body, until Snow (again) relented.
Anyhow, Emma says what she has in mind is a bail bond person's trick. They can smoke out their perp by making that perp think they're onto him. If the person who cast the curse thinks they're about to make a memory potion he or she would want to stop them. They can set a trap in advance, then get the word out. Regina smiles. "I know just who to tell." We cut to...
Granny's Diner. Grumpy rushes in. "Big news, everybody. Emma found Regina. She was holed up in her office, working on a potion. [...] A memory potion. Regina says she's going to use it to prove she didn't cast the curse." Granny's disinclined to drink any of Regina's potent potables, but Grumpy says someone will. "And if they remember, we'll know exactly who did this to us." The camera pans to Zelena, who grabs her bag and rushes out. Not one damned fool in the diner seems to notice. Ugh! We cut to the...
Hospital. While Whale examines Little John, the patient has a seizure. Then he sprouts a tail. Then he turns into a frigging flying monkey! As the creature squawks and unfurls its wings, Charming deadpans, "Okay. I didn't see that coming." The monkey screeches, bursts through a window and flies off into the night. David asks, "What the hell was that thing?" Whale says, "Don't look at me. I'm a doctor, not a vet." Commercial.
Regina and Emma are in Emma's yellow VW Bug, staking out the Town Hall. Regina asks Emma what it's like doing this for a living, then the talk turns to Henry. She wonders if he has any friends in New York. Emma assures her he has a lot of friends. With a chuckle, she adds, "No girlfriends, yet -- at least not that I know about." Regina is touched to hear he's been happy with a good life, there. Emma admits she almost didn't come back, because of that. Regina asks why she did. Emma says while Henry doesn't remember all this she does. "And I know what he would say. A hero would come back." Eyes brimming with tears, Regina sighs and smiles. "He would say that." Emma tries to encourage Regina to "meet" Henry. Regina says it would be too hard.
Their touching moment is interrupted when Emma spots a figure, up in Regina's office. "We got 'em." After a quick cut, Emma and Regina arrive at the office doorway. Emma asks Regina if she's sure their perp can't escape. Regina tells her she sealed the office with a blood lock. "It can keep you out, or it can keep you in. I know what I'm doing." Inside, they find all of Regina's potion bottles strewn about the floor, ingredients spilling out, willy nilly. Emma spies a cloaked figure lurking in the shadows and shouts, "Don't move." As Regina says, "There's nowhere for you to go," the intruder disappears in a puff of green smoke. Regina can't understand how that happened. "No one can break through blood magic, no matter how powerful they are." Emma: "Then who are we dealing with?" We flash back a year to the...
Enchanted Forest. Regina approaches the green flame that is the source of the barrier spell which has locked down her palace. Raising her hand, she magically extinguishes the flames. Out in the forest, Grumpy is keeping watch. When the protective bubble bursts, he shouts, "It's down!" Charming orders his ragtag troops to move on the castle, now.
Back inside, Regina is ready to dose herself with the sleeping curse. "I'm sorry, Henry. Maybe one day you'll find me and wake me up, but until then..." Just before she pricks her figure, Zelena walks up behind her and says, "You weren't even going to say hello, first? That's not exactly the welcome I was expecting. What does a witch have to do, to get your attention." With that, she magics the sleeping curse-bearing needle out of Regina's hand, and figures Regina doesn't know who she is. Regina says she knows she's the Wicked Witch. With a twinkle in her eye, Zelena asks if that's all. When Regina isn't interested in finding out, Zelena says, "Please allow me to introduce myself." The Rollling Stones add, "She's a witch of wealth and taste." Sorry, I've been earwormed with that, all week.
When Witchie Poo says, "You can call me Zelena," Regina non-sequiturs with, "That's my dress." Zelena: "Mmm. I had to take it in a little bit at the hips." I can't believe Regina doesn't snark, "And the bust," but this is a family show. Instead, our Queenie tells Greenie she never should have left Oz. Zelena says she can have her castle back if she wants it that badly. She's already seen everything worth seeing. Regina asks how she broke the blood lock. Zelena says she didn't. "Cora really never told you?" Regina wonders what she's talking about. Zelena: "The truth about us, Regina." Regina asks, "How do you know my mother?" Zelena says, "The same way you do. I'm your sister." Commercial.
After the break, Zelena corrects that she's Regina's half-sister. Regina says that isn't possible. "You're... green." This rubs Greenie the wrong way. "And you're rude." You don't know the half of it, Z. Cora had Zelena before she wormed her way into "...the dregs of royalty. Well, you know I'm telling the truth. How else could I have broken the door to the crypt?" People on our boards have noted that the flying monkey got a sample of Regina's blood, so Zelena might not be shooting straight, here. I do think it's possible that the blood sample could explain how Zelena manages to overcome Regina's magic. Still, I hope they are half-sisters. It makes whatever Zelena's grudge is far more personal -- more meaningful. I know some people are tired of so many characters being related, but I see that as a feature not a bug. What's more important than family? Who gets you angrier than family?
Zelena says Cora gave her up, but kept Regina and gave her everything. Regina says, "If what you're saying is true, then you were lucky to escape her." Zelena stands in for the audience. "Enough with the martyr complex, Regina. Try growing up without a mother. Try living in Oz, knowing that no one thought you were good enough -- not your mother, and not the only man that our paths both crossed -- Rumpelstiltskin." Regina is intrigued by this last bit. Zelena: "Did you think you were his only student?" Regina figures Zelena is mad because Rumpy chose her to cast his curse. "Well get over it. It wasn't everything it was cracked up to be." Zelena says anything would have been better than the life she had. Then she crows about how she made something of herself, all on her own. Regina tells her neither Cora nor Rumpy are around to see how Regina turned out. "They're both dead." Zelena looks momentarily dismayed, but then smiles and says Regina is the only one she needs alive. Regina asks, "Why's that?" Zelena: "Because I'm going to take everything away from you." Regina says it's too late. "I've already lost everything that matters." Zelena begs to differ. "Oh Regina, you haven't lost anything yet." She's not going to kill Regina, though. What she wants is for Regina to suffer. "You see, what's in store for me is all my dreams being realized, but for you, well, that's a fate worse than death." Regina rises to meet her foe. "Go ahead. Bring it, Greenie." Zelena says, "Indeed I will," then with a flick of her wrist, she magics up her broomstick and hops on. "See you soon, sis." As she cackles and flies away, I squeal with delight. Regina watches and we cut to the...
Queen's Chamber. Robin, still frozen in place, is surprised Regina didn't go through with cursing herself. With a wave her hand, Regina frees him and tells him he was right. The sleeping curse wasn't the answer. She did need to find something to live for, and she's found it. Robin asks her what it is. Regina says, "The one thing I haven't had in a very long time... Someone to destroy!" We flash forward a year, to...
Storybrooke. Emma and Regina pause outside Snow's apartment door. Regina's not sure this is a good idea, but Emma assures her everything will be fine. Inside, Henry's still glued to his handheld video game. Emma asks him about his day and he says Storybrooke is strange. "Do you know there's a library inside the clock tower." Emma says she's been there, before, then introduces him to Mayor Regina Mills. Regina's face is frozen as she looks at her boy. When Henry asks if something is wrong, Regina forces herself to act naturally, and assures him everything's fine, then mentions his mother told her a lot about him. She knows he likes school and does well in English. Henry finds this a bit strange and wonders why Emma told her all this. Regina says, "Because she couldn't be prouder of you." She then offers to give Henry a tour of Storybrooke, during his stay. "Maybe we can even stop for ice cream." Henry's more amenable to this than most children his age would be. When he tells her it was nice meeting her, Regina is about to move in for a hug. She stops herself, when she notices his outstretched hand, looks down at it, slips off her glove and shakes it.
Once their son wanders back to the couch and his video game, Emma asks Regina, "How was that? Are you okay?" Regina says, "It was a start." Charming enters, followed by Hook, and says, "We need to talk." Emma eyes Henry engrossed in his game and we cut to the hall.
Snow whispers, "They're being turned into flying monkeys?" Hook says, "Yes, he took on simian form, with the added bonus of wings." Thank you, Captain Obvious, but I'm pretty sure that's what, "being turned into flying monkeys," means. Charming figures that's what happened to the missing Dwarfs, too. When Emma asks about Neal, her father confesses they've found no sign of him either, so it's possible. Emma grimaces. "It wouldn't be the first flying monkey I've dated." This catches Snow off guard. Regina notes the person who escaped their blood magic trap disappeared in a cloud of green smoke. "And now there are flying monkeys in this town? I think we know exactly who cursed us." Emma scoffs, "The Wicked Witch of the West?" Regina gives her a look. Emma: "Seriously? She's real, too?" Hook says, "Says the daughter of Snow White and Prince Charming."
It's a funny line, but character-wise, it doesn't work, because Hook isn't a we-are-both character, so he doesn't have false memories of Snow and Charming being fairy tale characters. It would have worked better if Snow, Charming, or Regina said it. Snow and Charming have curse-created memories of growing up as mundane American children, so they're the natural choice, but they're not usually snarky with Emma. Regina spent 28 years in our world, so even though she doesn't have the fake memories, she had plenty of time to learn who her nemeses/victims are in this world. Ugh. I'm being a killjoy.
Anyhow, Emma says she doesn't get it. "It's not like we're in Kansas. Why would the Wicked Witch of the west want to come to Storybrooke?" We cut to a...
House. Zelena crosses the lawn, carrying a tray of food. With a flick of her wrist she magics open the storm cellar and descends. Inside the cellar she approaches a cage. "Hungry?" When she bends over and sets down the tray, a hand snakes out through the cage bars and grabs her wrist. It's Rumpy! His skin is normal, but his voice is that fabulous crazy sauce fey Dark One voice. "You never should have brought me back." Zelena chuckles, rises, kicks the tray inside the cage and laughs. "Eat up. We've got work to do." Once she's gone, Rumpy grabs the bowl of porridge, gruel, or possibly just white rice, and examines it as he sing-songs, "You feed the madness and it feeds on you. You feed the madness and it feeds on you. You feed the madness and it feeds on you." Laughing like a loon, he scoops up a bit of the food with his fingers and shoves it in his mouth. Black screen.
I'll be back with coverage of "The Tower." In the meantime, please grade the episode up top, and then join us on the boards, where everyone understands I have flying monkeys and am not afraid to use them.