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So despite it being his favorite activity, Jafar has somehow not used his magical chokehold to get the Red Queen to give up Cyrus’s bottle. In fact, he and Duck Lips seem to be best friends now, taunting Cyrus together, plotting against Alice, and -- dare I say? -- flirting a bit. They’re weird. Their evil scheme this episode is to try to get Alice to waste at least one of her wishes on surviving an attack by their "Bandersnatch" -- a kind of giant CGI boar with a million teeth and a homicidal bent. It looks like shit, as you can come to expect.
Meanwhile, Alice and the Knave spend the episode looking for something called the "Forget-Me-Knot," a magical lasso/noose object that allows its owner to see the last thing that happened in any place he or she takes it to. They want to use it in the topiary garden to see who dug up Cyrus’s bottle, but wouldn’t the last thing that happened just be Alice and the Knave freaking out about the missing bottle? Or, you know, some groundskeeper trimming the topiaries?
They first go to the Caterpillar, who lives in "Underland," which basically looks like an Eyes Wide Shut costume party. He doesn’t have the Forget-Me-Knot and he still wants the Knave dead, but he agrees to forgive the Knave’s debts if he and Alice can retrieve the Knot from somebody called the "Grendel" and bring it back to him. Great deal! But I’m sorry, Grendel sounds like "grundle," which is going to be great fodder for me in the longer Weecap. Apologies in advance.
The Grendel is a lovelorn, deformed cannibal who kidnaps them both and begins to prepare them for his dinner. Luckily, the Bandersnatch shows up and the Knave kills him in about 3 seconds, which was kind of anti-climactic. Long story short, the Grendel gives them his Forget-Me-Knot in gratitude, and Alice and the Knave discover that it was that goddamn White Rabbit who stole the bottle and gave it to the Red Queen.
Flashbacks were pretty good this week! In another universe, The Knave actually used to be Will Scarlet in Robin Hood’s Merry Men, and -- OMG -- the Red Queen was his Anastasia! I’m just going to suck it up and admit in front of everyone that I did not see that coming. You can call me stupid if you want to. I can take it.
He and Anastasia ended up in Wonderland after he stole a magical mirror portal thingy from Maleficent (Pam from True Blood, who I completely forgot appeared in Season 1 of OUaT). This show does amazing things re-purposing every-day items like that. It’s like a terribly animated Real Simple!
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Want more? The full recap starts right below!"A few years ago... In the Enchanted Forest." A fancy armed carriage driving through the woods at night comes upon a group of men attending to an injured guy in the road. But, of course, this is all a ruse. As the carriage guards generously attend to the injured man, a thief drops from a tree branch and robs them blind. Yay? These rich people didn't seem that bad, actually!
Cut to: A bonfire where our thieves (including the "injured" man, who is just fine now) boozing and laughing about the whole ordeal. A man who is unnamed as yet but is clearly Robin Hood raises a toast to his "Merry Men." Then – surprise! – the Knave of Hearts strides into the party with a bag full of stolen candlesticks (he robbed a Clue factory, apparently). Robin Hood congratulates him and then raises a toast "to Will Scarlet [O'Hara]!"
Back in the present in Wonderland, Alice and the Knave are back on that awful main road that looks like Myst, admiring the Knave's Wanted posters on their way. They strategize about what to do about the bottle, and while Alice is at a loss, the Knave recommends they find an enchanted piece of rope called a "Forget-Me-Knot," which will allow them to see the most recent events at the bottle's final resting place at the topiary garden. As I mentioned in the recaplet, the garden's most recent events should be Alice and the Knave freaking out about the bottle going missing, but hey, every episode in this universe needs a Macguffin and this week it's the "Forget-Me-Knot." Don't ask too many questions.
Back in Jafar's Sex Tower Dungeon, Jafar and the Red Queen have decided to mess with Cyrus a bit. They've had a whole catered meal spread out on an honest-to-god dining room table on the platform in front of Cyrus's cage. They pretend to invite him to dinner like some kind of weird middle-aged magical bullies, then Jafar taunts Cyrus with the origami message Alice sent, which was just floating around the halls of the place, indiscrete as hell. You mean there was a flaw in that awesome origami plan? I can't believe it.
Jafar and the Red Queen explain to him that they are going to force Alice to use up her three wishes so they can have Cyrus for themselves. He says she would never! They laugh at him and bring out Jafar's massive book o' evil to brainstorm ways to make Alice desperate.
Back on Myst lane, Alice is freaking out because the Knave thinks the Caterpillar has the Forget-Me-Knot, which, considering he's put like 97 bounties on the Knave's head, is not exactly a great situation. The Knave tells her to chill, he's got a plan. He's going to play Let's Make a Deal with the Caterpillar because apparently the Caterpillar is a dealoholic.
They go down into "Underland," which is basically another sex dungeon. Can't swing a dead cat in Wonderland without running into a sex dungeon. Everyone's wearing Eyes Wide Shut masks and wearing leather. Someone briefly tries to kill the Knave, but that passes. The Caterpillar calls off his leather bears, and Alice and the Knave enjoy an audience with Roger Daltrey's CGI Caterpillar. The Caterpillar, like everything else in this show, looks cheap and terrible while striking the completely wrong tone. I will never understand why they don't go full-on camp with this show and its predecessor considering their budget. Stop making us all uncomfortable with this earnestness regarding Clip Art villains.
The Caterpillar wants to forgive the Knave's debts in exchange for Alice as his sex slave, which is not only horrifying but logistically quite confusing. Clever Alice figures out that he's stalling because he doesn't have the Forget-Me-Knot, which he mercifully cops to very quickly – the Knot is with the Grendel, and if they can get it from him and bring it back to the Caterpillar, the Knave's debts are forgiven and Alice doesn't have to figure out how copulate with a cartoon insect. Everybody wins! But, if they get it and don't bring it back to the Caterpillar they will end up as screaming heads on a cake plate like this hilarious poor guy the Caterpillar shocks us all with. See? That! That was hilarious camp! That is the tone we should always strive for.
En route to find the Grendel, the Knave fills Alice in on what they're in for. Which, if your brain replaces Grendel with "grundle" like mine did, is pretty good from some juvenile laughs. "What do you know about the grundle?" "Nothing pleasant. Only a few people have seen him and lived to tell about it. And what they tell is NASTY." LOL.
Flashback time! Robin Hood cuts Will Scarlet's hand in some sort of ceremony and welcomes him to the gang. He also explains their whole steal-from-the-rich-to-give-to-the-poor philosophy, and confuses Scarlet's big British head by saying they don't consider what they do to be stealing. Scarlet's like oohkay, and quickly moves on to convincing Robin Hood of their score – Maleficent's magical trunk full of gold, hidden away in her scary-ass castle. What could go wrong!
Scarlet goes home to his lady, who is mysteriously hidden under the covers for the entire scene, so you know they're setting us up for a reveal. He explains that the Merry Men bought his plan, and they will soon have everything they need to get out of this place for good.
Jafar and the Red Queen are still picking out evil China patterns together in Jafar's book, and settle upon a "Bandersnatch," a grisly beast the White Rabbit told the Queen Alice fought as a child and still has nightmares about. That fucking Rabbit, man. Cyrus's face goes grey at the mention of the Bandersnatch, and Jafar knows they've found the one.
Oh look, it's the Grendel's mansion! Let's just walk right up and – WHOOPS – Alice and the Knave have fallen into a massive hole. The Grendel peers over at them from the ground, admiring his hunting trap.
They come to tied up in the Grendel's kitchen. You see, the Grendel is a cannibal, but luckily for them, he is also a bit of a gourmand and will buy them tons of time sharpening his knives and doing prep work before he kills them and tosses them on the fire for dinner.
Flashback: Maleficent's castle. Robin Hood tells the Merry Men not to touch anything except the gold, as Maleficent's dark magic is not to be messed with. Will Scarlet? Promptly ignores all that, breaks off, and goes searching for what he's really after – a mirror. Such vanity!
Back in the Grendel's kitchen, our monster has taken a break from his culinary pursuits to have a conversation with himself. Or rather, a conversation with the past, as he talks to a woman depicted in the Forget-Me-Knot. He is very wistful about this woman, and everyone quickly gathers that he is a sad, lonely monster who just needs a girlfriend and a subscription to Omaha Steaks to mend his ways. A man enters the Forget-Me-Knot's scenes, and the Knave realizes that the Grendel is watching his own idyllic pre-monster life.
Jafar and the Red Queen stroll down to the Bandersnatch cage while Jafar hits on her. That's new, right? Jafar gives the Bandersnatch Alice's origami to pilfer for her scent and sends him off.
The Knave decides that he can reason with the Grendel, because hey, might as well try. He begins by complimenting the lady in the Knot, which really pisses the Grendel off, but fortunately he gets sucked back into the Knot for a minute. The Knave's approach is to commiserate with him about the pain of losing love and the glory of moving on. But, you see, the Grendel? He doesn't want to move on. He wants to kill the Knave and carve him up like a cheeky big-eared shawarma.
Merry Men bonfire! The gang is celebrating their Maleficent booty and partaking in some guy talk, when suddenly Maleficent's disembodied voice (it's Pam from True Blood!) booms that she is pissed that they have stolen some magic from her. Confused, Robin Hood demands to know who took the extra treasure, because he's a moron.
The Grendel has conveniently distracted himself again, allowing Alice to use the sharp corners of her red crystal wishes to cut through the ropes binding her wrists. She frees herself and the Knave and runs for the door, but the Knave won't leave without the rope. The Grendel, looking up from his stories, sees them moving for the door and throws an axe at them. He misses, and Alice opens the door… to find the Bandersnatch bounding towards it.
So, the Bandersnatch. More terrible CGI, etc, but it's basically a huge wild boar. Which is scary. All animals are scary, that's why I live in a city, where the scariest one I'll see is a French bulldog in a Burberry sweater. Cities are safer in this regard. #TMYK
The Bandersnatch tears through the room looking for Alice, and falls for her and the Knave's clever trap – apparently right before he ran in they somehow found the time to crouch in front of the Forget-Me-Knot, leaving a neverending loop of their cowering for the Bandersnatch to see. Being a big dumb animal who does not understand magical ropes, the Bandersnatch sticks his head through its noose to see them, and Alice and the Knave string him up like a Wild West hangin'. When this does not kill him, the Knave stabs him with a knife and the Bandersnatch… evaporates? That's interesting. Such easy clean up with those things!
As the Bandersnatch dies, his mate gives off a sad moan and dies as well. The Red Queen takes this to mean that Alice used her wish, as Bandersnatches mate for life, and when one dies, the other instantly dies too. Jafar doesn't buy it. His spidey sense tells him that Cyrus tricked them into picking the Bandersnatch. So he's psychic now, I guess. That's fun. Cyrus did trick them, by the way. He's laughing his ass off in his sex cage because long ago he taught Alice that Bandersnatches are dumb and have terrible eye sight, which she used to her advantage.
The Grendel comes to and thanks Alice and the Knave for saving him (and his house) from the Bandersnatch. He looks in the Knot and sees that his wife has been replaced by the Bandersnatch's antics. Heartbroken, he fills them in on his back-story – a long time ago his wife died, so he stole the Knot from the Red Queen so he could see her forever. The Red Queen then stopped by and turned him into a lumpy-headed cannibal. Everybody really needs to stop stealing from evil queens up in here, for real. He gives them the Knot and lets them go. He has no use for it anymore anyway.
Will Scarlet walks past the sleeping Merry Men on his way out of dodge, when Robin Hood stops him and asks him why he would defy him for a chick. Scarlet has violated the bro code and is kicked out of the gang. You can't fire him, he quits!
Jafar and the Red Queen arrive at the Grendel's manse to interrogate him about Alice. No idea how they know to go there, but as we all have inferred, Jafar is psychic now. Not psychic enough to know that Alice is traveling with the Knave, which the Grendel spills after they promise to bring his wife back from the dead. This guy sure is dumb! After they get what they want Jafar murders the Grendel. Duh.
On the road again! Alice and the Knave travel back to the topiary garden to find out what we already know while Alice prods him about Anastasia some more. He reacts to that the way he usually does – closed off and annoyed. The get to the topiary garden and find out that not only does the Red Queen have Cyrus's bottle, she didn't even dig it up herself – the White Rabbit did it for her so she wouldn't even have to get her hands the slightest bit dirty. When we find out exactly what the Red Queen has on the White Rabbit it better be GOOD.
Caterpillar time! Alice and the Knave's time is running out, when Jafar shows up and demands the Caterpillar tell him everything he knows about the Knave. This was presented as an OHHHH SHIT moment, with dramatic music and everything, but it just isn't. Sorry!
Alice is devastated to learn of the White Rabbit's betrayal, while the Knave is conflicted about handing the Knot over to the Caterpillar, who will no doubt use it for evil. He borrows some logic from Robin Hood and decides that if he destroys the Knot then he didn't really steal it from anybody! So he burns it. That's not how logic works, but I'm glad the Caterpillar got screwed because he's gross.
Flashback: Scarlet rides up to his cottage shouting "Anastasia!" and out she comes – and it's the Red Queen! An actual shocking plot twist! So she used to be sort of normal, if a bit manipulative. They were just two crazy kids in love trying to use black magic to escape their one-horse town. We've all been there. The mirror Scarlet stole turns into a portal to Wonderland when placed on the ground. Scarlet and Anastasia (the Knave and the Red Queen) kiss and dive in to Wonderland. Have fun you two!
week: Is Halloween! ABC is taking a week off from this glorious program to show you some seasonal classics, so I'll see you again in two weeks. Try to avoid the grundle until then!
Want to tweet about this poor, god-forsaken show with me? I am available at all times and spaces at @garnisheater. I am the White Rabbit of social media and so can you!