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In typical Once Upon a Time fashion, a lot of flashback business got done in this episode. We learn that Cyrus (and to that end, Jafar as well) ended up in Wonderland after a lowly scarf vendor wished for him to be sent far away from Agrabah for fear that Jafar would kill him if he knew he had the genie. Obviously, Jafar killed him anyway. Can't win 'em all, Scarf Man. Or people of Agrabah who now have chilly necks.
We also spent a lot of time in the past watching Cyrus and Alice fall in love, which was a good idea from a writing perspective – their relationship felt so hollow in the pilot -- but the glaring lack of chemistry between the actors is going to be a big problem with this show, isn't it? Anyway, as they fall in love, Cyrus teaches Alice about Jafar's attitude problems, swordfighting, and genie origami. Not joking! So much origami in this episode.
In the present, Alice lays a trap that allows her to figure out who she's up against -- Jafar. She takes it pretty well. What she doesn't take very well is the fact that the genie's bottle is missing from the spot where she and Cyrus buried it ages ago. She assumes this means Cyrus has "moved on" (read: dumped her), but in reality it is the Red Queen who has it, courtesy of that creepy spying bastard the White Rabbit. So over him already.
But thank god for magical paper folding! Cyrus is able to write a love note to Alice from his cage, in magic ink on magic paper, fold it into a crane, and send it off to fly over to her. She receives the note, and is resolved to reunite with Cyrus anew.
In other news, genies are a lot like sexy True Blood vampires in that they are allergic to silver, and poor time-traveling Alice has never heard of the Care Bears. Also, the Knave of Hearts has a crazy ex-girlfriend in a fairy named Silvermist, and some broken heart residue from a relationship with a girl named Anastasia, which was a Fox cartoon, not a Disney property. Now they're just getting crazy.
Oh, and at one point these words came out of Cyrus's mouth: "You have the whole world, Alice. I can show it to you." Like the beginning of that song from Aladdin! Sometimes this show is just so clever that I pass out for a while when I watch it. Can't take it!
Want more? The full recap starts right below!So it’s week two, and we’re down 29% from an already disastrously low premiere week. The CW even beat it. The CW. Dear god.
Flashback time! We begin "Many years ago" in Agrabah with Jafar swooping through the sandy city outskirts on a magic carpet. He enters a modest abode and hassles its resident, a local scarf merchant, about how “well-appointed” his home is despite his "very little income." Which, I mean, is it? It looks like he has a few piles of fabrics, but those are business expenses. He’s not exactly the Queen of Versailles over here.
Instead of punching Jafar in the face like any normal person would in this situation, the man tries excusing his opulent shanty full of scarves and tea kettles as the spoils of a family investment. But Jafar and I know better -- this guy has the genie. How else could he afford such a two-room manse with an alley view!
The man makes an excuse to move to the back room, and we see that he does indeed have Cyrus in there. He foolishly uses his third wish (the other two I’m assuming he used on his awesome beard and a chotchke shopping spree at Cost Plus, by the look of this place) to send Cyrus far away from Agrabah, thinking it would get Jafar off his back for good. It doesn’t. Jafar comes in shortly after and chokes him to death. And then I’m sure he totally raided his scarf arsenal. Jafar loves him some accessories.
The wish sends Cyrus wildly tumbling through the multi-verse in his bottle. When he arrives in Wonderland, we see he has crash landed in the hedge maze where Alice found him in the pilot and G-rated romantic history was made.
In the present, Alice is practicing sword-fighting on a defenseless tree (in a new purple outfit!) while the Knave of Hearts lazes about. Alice decides their new course of action is to retrieve Cyrus’s hidden bottle from – where else? -- underneath the Towering Tom Tom Tree in Mimsie Meadows, where nobody goes. The Knave: "Why would they, unless they were a Care Bear." Alice: "What’s a Care Bear?" Don’t you just love watching these two learn from each other?!
They’ll make three "harmless" wishes (actually, the Knave will, which is obviously going to go terribly), causing Cyrus to be automatically drawn back inside the bottle and all their problems will be solved. Then, they’ll find some crazy way to grant Cyrus his freedom so he and Alice can picket fence it together until the end of time. Alice makes sure the White Rabbit hears this plan while he’s pretending to be asleep, then she and the Knave ditch him. We only had a CGI budget for three short White Rabbit scenes this week, apparently. I am not complaining.
Meanwhile, the Red Queen is barely tolerating her subjects and all their boring problems while her gay guards do crowd control in Aladdin Sane makeup. I have no idea if that’s some attempt at an Aladdin Easter egg reference of some kind, so I’m just going to move on.
Jafar comes to her rescue by freezing everyone in the room in place so they can scheme together. What happens is a line-for-line rehash of their balcony scene in the pilot. She says "I’m the queen!" sixteen times, then Jafar threatens her and vaguely explains their plan. Basically, they’re after the bottle too, and want to use it to "change the Laws of Magic." He turns her whiniest subjects into piles of dust and then storms out of the room, ridiculous Jafar boots hilariously squeaking and squishing with every stomp. He’s like when little kids dress up as Darth Vader for Halloween, isn’t he? Adorable.
Alice and the Knave hit a snag on their way to Mimsie Meadows -- a massive lake they don’t have the time to walk around. They also can’t swim across because the Knave can’t swim. But don’t worry! They’ll wait for the fairy! This was meant to be a homophone-based play on ferry/fairy, but I’ve been watching Once Upon a Time so much to catch up in time for the spin-off that I accepted it as "fairy" the first time around. So, yeah. I need to maybe watch something else for a while.
The White Rabbit visits the Red Queen to tell her where Alice is retrieving the bottle, interrupting a weirdly sexual pedicure situation the Queen has going on with her Aladdin Sane guards. I don’t even know. I’m just the messenger here.
When the fairy (her name is Silvermist) shows up she is pissed. She used to date the Knave, and apparently he was the worst boyfriend ever. After yelling at him for a few minutes she carries them halfway across the lake, which is nice. But then she drops the Knave in the water and Alice has to abort their fairy ride to save him from drowning. Fairies, man.
Cyrus is still hanging around suspended in his cage, but at least he has a friend in a neighboring prisoner. Their conversation reveals that Cyrus’s cage is made of silver because genies are allergic to it like True Blood vampires, and that Cyrus has the burns to prove it. Okay, sure! But what’s really important in this scene is that Cyrus has hidden away a piece of magic paper and begins writing on it with his finger. So he’s doing well.
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And then a series of Alice and Cyrus falling in love flashbacks begins. We see Cyrus give her the red rhinestone wishes and explain the four Laws of Magic: he can’t kill anyone, he can’t raise anyone from the dead, he can’t change the past, and he can’t make anyone fall in love. These are the Laws Jafar and the Red Queen want to change, but they’re reasonable people. I’m sure they have good reasons. After he grants her three wishes he’ll go back in the bottle, a slave forever, which sucks.
Alice and the Knave end up on an island in the middle of lake, which actually turns out to be a giant turtle that Alice STABS IN THE FACE to force it to carry them the rest of the way across, which is a little much, guys. I know you want us to see Alice as a highly capable badass, but let’s not go nuts here. Who stabs a turtle!
Back in flashback-land, Cyrus tells Alice all about Jafar, his signature serpent staff look, and what a jerk he is. He also completely blows her mind by making her an origami rose on a dinner date. Ahh, to be young and stupid again. The romantic bar is so wonderfully low.
More Red Queen/Jafar stupidity. She tries yet again to assert her royal authority, and once again he physically intimidates her and she relents, this time telling him where the bottle is. Or so Jafar thinks. Treachery!
Flashback to Cyrus teaching Alice how to sword-fight in the woods, throwing in a little vaguely sexual knife play culminating in the least electric kiss in television history. Honestly, the Red Queen and her gay nail salon guards have more chemistry.
Fresh off their turtle ride, the crazy ex-girlfriend fairy catches up with them on land and threatens to turn the Knave in to the Caterpillar, who has placed a handsome bounty on his head for a debt of some kind. Oh, also, she teases him about some girl named Anastasia, who broke his heart. Great! I hope this parade of psycho ex-girlfriends never ends!
Flashback: Cyrus and Alice underneath the Towering Tom Tom Tree, Cyrus moping. He tries to break up with her, claiming that he can’t bear to lose her after she makes her wishes because he’s falling in love with her. She promises never to make her wishes, and they kiss like third graders in a school play again. They resolve to bury his bottle now that they have no need for it.
In the present, Jafar and his magic carpet fly to the Tom Tom Tree, where he releases his horde of magical beetles (from the movie!) and orders them to dig until they find the bottle. Alice and the Knave watch him doing this from a safe distance. The Knave consoles Alice on losing to Jafar, and Alice is like, bitch, please. I sent false rumors into the atmosphere so I’d find out who would come for the bottle. Genius! Remember how Paris Hilton used to brag about doing the exact same thing to find out who her real friends were? She’d tell different insane rumors about herself to each member of her entourage just to find out which ones would end up in Us Weekly. Alice and Paris Hilton are both brilliant game theory strategists, is what I’m saying. Moving on.
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And they set off to the bottle’s real location in an abandoned topiary garden. Unfortunately, once there, they find that someone has already dug it up and stolen it. Alice assumes Cyrus did it, and has “moved on” from her. She is devastated. But wait! That thing Cyrus was doodling before? It was a love note that he folded into a magical origami crane. He sends it to fly off and find Alice. I never thought I’d say this, but origami saves the day!
Then, Jafar storms in, furious over his failed quest to find the bottle. He puts Cyrus in a magical chokehold and demands he tell him where the bottle is. Before he can kill him, the Red Queen appears and gives him the FYI that she knows where the bottle is, and won’t tell him until he shows her some R.E.S.P.E.C.T. Jafar is put in his place, finally. You go, girl. Gotta teach people how to treat you. Oprah taught me that. So the power dynamic in that thrilling duo has shifted for now.
And who told the Red Queen the real whereabouts of the bottle? It’s that rat bastard the White Rabbit of course, who has been spying on Alice since way back in the Cyrus days. He is such a creep. Let’s slash the budget by killing him and invest it in some realistic-looking trees!
Alice and the Knave in the topiary garden. Alice is freaking out about Cyrus dumping her well into the night, while the Knave empathizes and begs her to find shelter because Wonderland is a scary fucking place. A mentally ill cat with superpowers could show up and eat you at any minute, woman. Check into a Holiday Inn before it’s too late.
But before any of that can happen the origami crane flies in, Alice reads her love note and knows Cyrus loves her after all. He begs her to go home and be safe, but neglects to mention the part about how he’s trapped in a sex cage in Jafar Tower, but I guess she’ll figure that out eventually. Alice writes "I’m Coming for You" on the crane with her finger and sends it beck where it came from. Great. Very helpful. How about asking him WHERE HE IS, too?
week: More swords! More origami! More comically-oversized Red Queen lips! A leather bear party in Underland! Can’t wait!
Want to tweet about this poor, god-forsaken show with me? I am available at all times and spaces at @garnisheater. I am the White Rabbit of social media and so can you!
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