New year, new beginning...We open with a Soliloquy on the Beach. The camera pans up from a pair of bare feet to a shivering body huddled in a towel to Karen's face, looking chagrined. There's a pile of sand behind her, with an umbrella, pail, and spade shoved into it for effect. Off-screen, Sam teasingly calls, "Hey Karen, wanna go for a swim?" She laughs self-consciously and waves her hand at him, telling him to leave her alone. She tells the camera that she's so embarrassed; she "had no idea anything like this would happen." Rick dashes on-screen, surfer trunks and mullet flapping out behind him, to envelop Karen. He asks if she's okay, and they kiss. Sam materializes with a mullet of his own, and throws up his arms, complaining that he needs someone to kiss. Where's a crab when you need one? He calls for Janine. In the meantime, he asks if he can "cut in" on Rick and Karen. Rick protests, but Karen says that it's okay, "under the circumstances." Rick stands aside so Sam can paw his wife. Janine (who's played by the actress who plays Ross's lesbian ex-wife on Friends ["Jane Sibbett" -- Wing Chun]) trots on-screen in her bikini, announcing that all the kids are in bed. Everyone makes a big production of teasing Karen and asking whether she's okay. Rick promises that "time this happens, [he's] going to kill [her himself]." Karen looks into the camera, shamefaced.
Cut to the present day in Judy's apartment. Her door opens, and she and Sam spill inside, ribbing one another about some artsy movie they've just seen. Sam asks if she'd mind if he "tore off all [her] clothes" and threw her down on the floor. She wouldn't mind, but points out that they'd be in a very different kind of relationship if he did. He says he forgot and begs her forgiveness. "Perfectly all right, Mr. Blue," she teases, hanging up her coat. Sam starts to ask "Miss Brooks" another question, but then changes his mind, saying, "I think I shall go home now." She says that's fine and wishes him a safe trip. As Sam pulls open the door, it conveniently presses him up against Judy, and he sleazes in for a kiss. When it's over, Judy assures him it "was just a figment of [his] imagination." And the stuff of my nightmares. Pretending to be dazed, Sam staggers out, muttering that he's going to go see the film again. Laughing, Judy pushes him out the door and shuts it on him.
The scene is pure chaos over at Manning Manor. The camera focuses on the cordless phone, ringing in the foreground while we hear everyone carrying on in the background. Rick rushes over to grab it. "Hey, it's me," Karen says. "I'm sorry, who is it?" Rick asks. Just your ex-wife and the mother of your children. Rick apologizes and explains that "it's crazy" there at the moment. He sets the phone on the counter and hollers for Jessie to grab it. Around a mouthful of toast, Karen explains to Jessie that she just wanted to make sure the two of them are still on for skating on Thursday. Jessie glances at the madness behind her and says, "Uh, yeah, sure." Karen asks what's wrong. Jessie says she has a big history paper due the day. Unfazed, Karen says, "Oh, well you've been working on that, haven't you?" Jessie hedges that she just can't believe how much research it needs. "Oh, well you'll need a break, then," Karen says, not about to let Jessie off the hook. She tells Jessie to put Eli on so she can ask if he wants to go with them, too. "Like Eli's going to want to go ice-skating with us," Jessie snorts. She puts down the phone and yells for Eli to pick it up. Just then, Lily calls out, "Okay, Eli, help me get these girls out of here!" There's a flurry of activity in the background, as we hear Karen shouting through the receiver, "Eli? Hello?" She sets her jaw and hangs up.
Back to Soliloquy Beach. The happy couples are lounging on canvas chairs, still teasing Karen about whatever happened. Rick is examining the contents of his belly button which, I don't think I have to tell you, is positively disgusting. For some reason, Karen feels the need to kiss him, and even lets him put his naval-contaminated fingers on her. They "mmmm" and smile and look pretty damn loose and happy.
Present-day Rick? Not so much. He's waiting in the office for Sam, who strolls in without a care in the world. Rick points out that he's late and asks, "You do realize that our meeting is at 9:45, don't you?" The clock on the wall reveals that it's 9:39 AM, so his tension is understandable. He grits, "How are the sketches that you did not do?" Sam mockingly assures Rick that they're "beautiful." "Who is she this time?" Rick asks. Sam's about to say Judy, but then catches himself and says, "You don't care. You just like to abuse me to feel better about your own miserable, new, compromised marriage." Seething, Rick asks, "How could you not have done the sketches?" "It's a website! Nobody looks at websites," Sam declares. Um, yeah. Nobody looks at this one, give or take half a million people a month. Rick glances toward the door and spots a blonde heading for the reception desk. He kvetches, "Oh great, she's here. I could kill you!" And there's not a jury in the world who'd convict you.
They stand to greet the woman, who introduces herself as Melissa Endberg. She pulls off her overcoat to reveal an extremely low-cut, black-lace-bra-revealing, and, in short, very professional suit. She whips out a video camera and explains that she's going to videotape their ideas for the hotel lobby to show Colin. She assures them it will be "very short and painless." A split-second later, she commands, "Speak!" Through her little screen, we see Rick pull a full-on guppy face. He stammers, "Well, Sam...has a bunch of really great ideas...for the website." Heh. Sam sarcastically thanks him as Melissex (lets face it -- we all know why she's here and where this is going) shifts her camera to him. After a few seconds of umming and uhhing, Sam shifts into turbo-bullshit gear, starting with the question, "Who goes to hotels?" He answers it himself: "People." He rhymes off all the places one can find people in a hotel. Melissex nods her head and looks intrigued, if a little wary. Rick picks up Sam's thread and asks, "What would be worse than an empty lobby?" Melissex is a quick study: "I guess an empty hotel?" The men smile as if she's a genius, and Sam says they need to have people in the lobby twenty-four hours a day. Melissex looks over the top of her camera and asks, "You mean you want to hire people to stand in the lobby?" Sam and Rick try to laugh it off as if that's not at all where they were heading, and scramble to come up with another idea. Rick blurts, "Sculptures." Relieved, Sam runs with it, saying they'll have sculptures of people in all kinds of "attitudes." The first example he throws out -- not surprisingly -- is a businessman with his mistress. Yeah, "Sleazy Affair in Bronze" should really convey the kind of four-star elegance they're going for. Melissex gets into it and throws out the idea of a couple on their honeymoon. Sam pretends to love the suggestion, and then sums up the pitch: "A lobby filled with people. The promise of the night. And that's what our lobby is gonna say." He stares earnestly into the camera. "You're good," Melissex purrs. "So, what are you doing tonight?" Sam sleazes. For some reason, Rick is surprised.
Back to Soliloquy Beach, where Sam declares, "I love this beach." His wife counters that he hates it. Rick exposits that the beach was Sam's "old hunting grounds" back in college. Incredulous, Sam hooks a thumb in Rick's direction and claims that Rick was worse. Rick assures us that he was "always a good boy...at this beach." Dude, if you were sporting anything like that three-day scruff and the mullet, I'm sure you had no trouble keeping it in your pants. Karen shoots a look at Rick as if this is the first she's hearing of his surf 'n' smut past. Sam says, "Well, we are [good boys] now, because we're here with the women we love and traysure." He leans in to kiss his wife, who pretends to shove him away. Karen asks Rick whom he used to bring to the beach. He makes a kissy face and coos that she'll "never know." Sam turns his attention back to the camera and the embarrassing incident earlier, saying that Karen decided she wanted to go swimming by herself. She grabs his arm and pleads with him not to tell the story, whining that it's "humiliating enough" without us knowing about it.
Cut to a close-up of a baby girl. It's Tiffany's and Jake's kid, whom they've brought to Booklovers. Judy huddles over the infant and asks whether she's sleeping through the night. Tiffany asks if she's kidding. "Well, at least Jake is," Judy teases. "Au contraire," Jake protests. He says he's up every hour and fifteen minutes. "So you're..." Judy says. Jake admits he's "been staying over at Tif's just to help out a little." The phone interrupts them. It's Karen, who says, "Hey you," to Judy with a quaver in her voice. Judy tells her that she's "looking at the most beautiful creature right now. Tiffany's baby just came for a visit." Karen sighs and wistfully asks if she smells amazing. Judy gushes, "The best." You know, I've never gotten that whole glorious-baby-smell thing. Either it's a myth, or I've had the distinct misfortune of meeting babies only when they're less than their freshest. Anyway, Karen says she's wondering if Judy wants to have dinner. Judy apologizes and says she already promised Lily she'd go over to Manning Manor. Foiled by Lily again! Judy jokes that Karen's welcome to join them. Karen sarcastically says, "Oh, yeah, that's a good idea." Judy suggests that they have lunch the day, and Karen's all over it.
Cut to Judy hanging out with Grace and Zoe, who are teasing one another by threatening to reveal their crushes. Judy grabs Zoe and starts tickling her, trying to get her to fess up the name of her love. Zoe giggles and asks who Judy's dating. Judy answers, "No one. I'm your maiden aunt." Grace declares her a liar, and Zoe announces, "She's going out with Sam Blue." Judy feigns surprise, and with her voice just a little too high, denies it. Lily happens to stroll in at this moment and contradicts Judy, saying, "You are so." Judy denies it again. Lily asks what last night was, then. Judy says she and Sam went to a movie, that's all. Grace mockingly says, "Judy and Sam are just friends." Judy insists that's exactly right, but she's so not convincing. She's saved from further harassment when the doorbell rings.
Rick opens the door to find Sam standing there with an enormous sketchbook. "What are you doing here? I just saw you an hour and a half ago," Rick says. Sam whines, "I missed you," and then adds that he wanted Rick to see the sketches before he commits them to putting "ridiculous sculptures" in the lobby. Rick starts flipping through the book as Lily calls from upstairs, "Rick, who's there?" "Just Sam!" he calls back.
"Awww," Grace coos, as she, Lily, and Zoe turn and smile knowingly at Judy. "What?" Judy asks innocently. The three burst out laughing, and Judy picks up a pillow, threatening that they're going to get it.
"I know, I know," Sam says, looking at his sketches over Rick's shoulder. He assures Rick that it's okay to compliment him, and asks whether Rick thinks Melissex will like them. Rick finally looks up from the book and asks what is going on with that. Sam lies that it's for the good of the company, and before he can elaborate any further, the chicks from upstairs come trooping down the stairs to stare at him with big dopey smiles. "Hi, Sam," they say. Judy smiles helplessly at him.
Cut to the kitchen, where the Grand Inquisition has been expanded to include Sam. He and Judy are seated across the table from Zoe, who demands to know how long the two have been dating. "Uh, well, I'm not dating. We're friends," Sam answers. Grace sidles over with a patronizing smile and says they know. "Okay, that's enough," Judy warns her with a pleading look. Zoe wants to clarify that they did actually date before they became friends. "Doesn't it usually work the other way around?" Grace wheedles with a thousand-watt smile, thoroughly enjoying Judy's torture. Judy pointedly asks whether Grace has any homework, and Grace sweetly assures her that it's all finished. She takes a seat, dropping the smile and turning businesslike. "When did you two meet?" she demands. Rick and Lily glance over from the butcher's block. Judy's eyes drop to the table, and Sam drums his fingers on the table while mumbling, "Two years." Judy quickly says over him, "Two months." Sam gets it and quickly changes his answer to two months. Lily adds that it was right when Sam started working with Rick, right? Right? Grace plays with her necklace and stares, unimpressed, from Sam to Judy, knowing exactly what time it is. Her disgust is palpable. Sam plunks both hands on the table and pushes himself up, saying he's heading out. Judy asks what he's up to, and Lily pipes up that he should stay for dinner. Sam squirms and lies that he has a business dinner. Lily asks why Rick isn't going, too. Sam quickly says that Rick sometimes "has trouble getting along with some of [their] clients." Judy's pretty fluent in LyingCheatingScum, though, and knows that "trouble getting along with" translates to "trouble getting laid by." She stares at Sam, and tries to hide her disappointment. Rick says, "Believe it or not, sometimes we find it beneficial for Sam to do his artiste thing on his own." Judy flatly translates this as "In other words, when there's a pretty girl involved." Sam smoothly lies that that isn't the case this time, and Rick picks up his lead, saying he doesn't find Colin all that attractive. He asks if Sam does. Sam chuckles and cannot wait to get the hell out of there.
Back to Soliloquy Beach, where Karen is still trying to talk Sam out of telling us what happened. "She does not want to talk about it," Janine helpfully informs us. Sam doesn't seem to care, and launches straight into the story. Rick pipes up that he thinks they should tell the story. Have another Michelob, Mullet-Man, since that's exactly what Sam's already doing. Karen keeps on protesting while everyone laughs, and we get to see how tight these four once were.
Back in the kitchen, Sam's taking his leave. Judy pretends to buy his crap and acts like she's not bothered. Rick offers to walk him out, and Lily and Grace stare after them with matching unimpressed looks. In the foyer, Sam claps Rick on the arm and says he'll see him in the morning. Rick sighs and closes the door, looking disappointed. After a second, he glances up toward the camera, and seems to catch himself when he realizes he's being watched. Who's watching him? I have no idea, and we'll probably never know, since we head to commercials.
After the break, we follow Karen's receptionist into the conference room, where she announces that Janine Blue is on her way in. "Oh, god, really?" Karen whispers with alarm. The receptionist asks whether it's okay, and Karen says she guesses so; she just feels bad since she hasn't spoken to Janine in weeks. She trails off as Janine blows into the room. The receptionist slips out as the two women hug, and Karen apologizes for not having called. Janine, sporting a cast on her right hand, shrugs off her coat and assures Karen that it's okay. Janine sits down and gets right down to it, saying she needs a good divorce attorney. She informs Karen that Sam "cheated again, right before he left." She wonders, "How many times can he humiliate me?" Karen makes sympathetic faces and says, "I'm so sorry." Janine pops out of her chair, ranting, "I could kill him! And Rick! Rick takes him in like his little lost puppy. Oh-hoh, I could kill him too! Do you have anyone you want me to kill, because I feel like I am just getting started!" She pushes up her sleeves and Karen watches her, concerned as well as careful not to make any sudden movements. Whatever's up this woman's backside makes the ass-pole look like Silly Putty. Even Karen is awed. Janine slips into the chair again, announcing that she wants to get everything: "His socks, his jockstrap. I want things I don't even care about!" Karen says she can give Janine the name of a good divorce attorney, and Janine trails Karen to her office, muttering that she's sure Sam's still with the girl, whom she just knows is "some twenty-year-old waif." Karen mutters that she's sure that isn't true. Janine laughs bitterly and says, "Uh, trust me. It's going to be some young bimbo, just like the last time."
Janine closes the door to Karen's office just as Karen takes a breath, turns, and says, "Janine, the woman he's with now is far past twenty, and they just met." Janine asks if Karen has seen her, and then crosses her arms, sighing, "Oh, my god. How old is she?" Karen sits down and quietly says, "She's in her thirties, and she's not a bimbo or anything, trust me." "You know her?" Janine asks incredulously. Karen can't meet her eyes, but says yes. Janine asks how well Karen knows her. Karen admits that she's a friend. Janine blinks back tears and angrily shakes her head, whispering, "God, Karen!" She turns and storms to the door, and Karen rushes after her, assuring her that the other woman is a very nice person. "Who screwed a married man!" Janine spits, veins popping. Karen promises her that Judy and Sam just met recently, and that Judy would never sleep with a married man. Janine throws up her hands and shrills that she doesn't want to hear how happy Sam is now. "I couldn't get out of bed for two weeks, that's how sick I was. My eleven-year-old son was cleaning up my vomit! That's what Sam did to us!" she shrieks. Karen softly stammers that she doesn't want to get in the middle of it, and Janine snaps, "Then don't!" She snatches the business card out of Karen's hand and studies the attorney's name. "Is she a killer? That's all I want to know," she says. Karen puts a calming hand on Janine's arm and says, "Janine, are you sure --" "Don't even start getting rational with me!" Janine squeals. A drop of blood appears in Karen's ear as her tympanum bursts. Okay, Janine needs to eat a sandwich, and then she needs to pop a tranquilizer. A horse tranquilizer. Not that Sam isn't an ass, and not that he doesn't deserve to be raked on the coals for being such a pig. Let's just say they're both annoying and move on, shall we?
Ah, back to Soliloquy Beach, where the squawking of shithawks is a welcome reprieve from Janine's squawking. Laughing, Sam and Rick mention that Karen decided to go swimming alone. In case we missed it the first fifty freaking times they mentioned it. I'm starting to think Soliloquy Beach should be renamed Echo Beach. Rick adds a new tidbit of information: Karen somehow overlooked the warning flag that meant there was a riptide. Karen insists there wasn't a flag posted, looking beseechingly into the camera as if begging us not to believe that she's an idiot. Given her accusers, I don't need much convincing.
Cut to Rick's office, where Sam's perched on his desk, inhaling a burger and smacking his lips as he begs for more space between a couple of columns in the hotel. Rick flatly denies him. Sam mumbles that Rick is just mad because he "forgot [his] curly fries." Somehow, I don't think that's it. "How's Melissa?" Rick snaps. A-ha! "A-ha!" Sam echoes. Rick mockingly asks if they got a lot of work done, and Sam hops off the desk, saying that they did. "And?" Rick wheedles. Sam insists there is no "and"; they had dinner, worked, and "that was basically all." Rick is still dubious, repeating, "'Basically'?" Sam says he's not saying there isn't a possibility something more won't happen, but that so far it hasn't, and if it does, it's "none of [Rick's] damn business." "Except that I had to lie for you in the process," Rick grits. Sam hangs his head, knowing there's no denying that one. He says he's sorry Rick ended up in that position, but that he didn't want to hurt Judy's feelings. "Even though you two are no longer a couple, and theoretically it's perfectly all right to see whoever you want?" Rick asks. Sam cocks his head. "I'm sorry: what did you say?" he asks.
Soliloquy Beach. Everyone is still laughing, still recounting the story of Karen swimming. It's really not that interesting, so I'm not going to bother with transcribing any of the details. Basically, Karen swam far, far away all by herself. Rick noticed that she was in trouble, and dove in after her without thinking. Karen sighs, "Isn't that romantic?" and rests her head on her knight's firm chest. "I'm thinking, 'Which one of these two is stupider?'" Sam says. I'm thinking, "The person who chose to use a word like 'stupider,'" but that's just me. Sam says he grabbed Eli's raft -- "because [he's] smart" -- but he doesn't get to finish his tale of heroic smarts. Karen interrupts to ask us sarcastically, "Isn't he smart?" Janine snides, "He's cunningly smart."
Back at the office, Rick asks how Sam left things with Melissex. Sam says she liked the work, she's going to pass it along to the "web dopes," and he's seeing her again tonight. Rick whips a ball of paper at Sam's head. It hits, but not nearly hard enough.
Over at Booklovers, Karen and Judy are finally getting together. For lunch, that is. Karen remarks at the size of the crowd, and Judy jokes, "Thank god for all the lonely single people in the world." "Hey! Watch it!" Karen yips. Judy offers to add Karen's picture to the singles' board, but Karen's not too interested. She asks how Sam is. Judy tries to play it cool, and insists that Sam is just her friend. Karen laughs, and Judy complains that no one believes her. "So tell me about your life, I'm bored with mine," Judy says. Karen sighs with a faraway look and crams a piece of lettuce in her mouth.
Fade to a pair of hands setting down dessert as Karen complains, "It's like I'm losing them to that house. It's not Lily's fault, per se, but I feel like I barely see them anymore." She pauses and continues, "Naked stepmothers, kids getting stoned, babies being born...How could my house compete with that?" Midget wrestling? The world's biggest bong? Free porn? I'm just saying. She laments, "I feel like I need to invent special occasions just to lure them out."
Fade to a pair of hands replacing the dessert plates with two huge cups of hot chocolate. Judy muses, "Do I like him? Yes. Do I have fantasies? Yes. But I'm just being very grown up and living my own life." If by being "very grown up," she means "deluding herself like a five-year-old," then yeah, that about sums it up. Karen surveys her with a knowing look. "What?" Judy asks. Karen sips her cocoa and insists, "Nothing."
More time passes, and we fade to Judy and Karen strolling arm-in-arm toward the entrance as Judy wonders, "How is it possible we ever became friends?" Karen agrees that it is "pretty amazing." She turns and abruptly changes the subject, saying that Janine came by to see her that morning to get the name of a divorce attorney. Judy tries not to glow and says, "So they are getting divorced?" Karen says she doesn't think much could stop Janine at this point. She adds that she feels like she's in a very awkward position, since she's friends with both Janine and Judy, and she thinks a policy of "full disclosure" would be in everyone's best interest. Judy says she can handle it. Karen sighs and says that Janine is convinced that Sam cheated again before he moved out, and that she thinks it was with Judy. "She thinks you're some twenty-year-old homewrecker. I told her that's not you," Karen says. That's right. Judy's thirty-six. Judy struggles to force some air into her lungs as we head to commercials.
When we return, Grace and Lily are in the kitchen of Manning Manor. Grace dunks a tea bag and glances reproachfully at Lily, who's shoveling spoonfuls of ice cream directly from the container into her mouth. And from there, very likely into the spit bucket. Grace sets her face to Snit and asks, "What was that about Judy and Sam?" Lily doesn't answer. Grace prods, "You lied about Judy and Sam." Lily cranes her head past Grace and says, "Hey, Jessie," as Jessie wanders in. Grace can't take a hint and shut the hell up, though, and keeps pressing, "What don't you want us to know about them?" Lily says it's none of Grace's business. That phrase holds no meaning for Grace, though, who just keeps on niggling: "It's about when Judy and Sam got together, isn't it?" Jessie doesn't really want to hear all this, and makes a point of saying that she's going to her room. Lily assures Jessie that it's okay; she and Grace will talk about it later. Grace acts as if her mother hasn't spoken. "They started seeing each other when he was still living at home, didn't they?" Grace demands, her tone growing self-righteous. "All right. End of discussion," Lily insists. "I knew it!" Grace snots. "End of discussion," Lily repeats. "Why? I think it's a very important discussion," Grace gripes, as if Judy and Sam's business is any of hers. "And it's one we will have later," Lily says, looking pointedly in Jessie's direction. Lily leaves to pick up Zoe. "I like Sam Blue," Jessie says simply. Grace pours honey into her tea and slams the container on the counter before walking away with a dismissive, disgusted "Yeah."
Back to Soliloquy Beach, where everyone's still going on about Karen's brush with death. One new bit of information emerges: Karen is the one who introduced Sam and Janine.
"So, this is where the master plies his craft," Melissex purrs, surveying Sam's studio. She could be talking about sculptures or seduction, and Sam loves it. He chuckles in an attempt at modesty, handing her a glass of wine. "So, you live in your studio?" she asks, fishing. He confesses that he's recently separated, and he hasn't had a chance to find a new apartment. Flattery, flirtation, and clinking wine glasses, followed by Niki forcing the bile back down her throat.
Judy, meanwhile, is crashed out on her couch reading Love Lies. Subtle. She succumbs to her urge to pick up the phone, but before she can dial Sam's number, she rolls her eyes, sighs a disgusted "God!" and flops back on the couch. That's it, Judy! Resolve!
"I like hotel rooms," Melissex says. I'll bet. I'm sure she also likes puppies, rainy days, and walks on the beach. Sam smarms that hotel rooms are "good for the soul." He's an idiot. She tells him to shut up, but she's laughing, so I don't think she means it. She then shares all kinds of details about her past, and how her present involves a whole lot of traveling. Sam pretends to be listening as he strokes her ear and plots how to get her out of her tuxedo shirt. "Traveling is good," she says. "Traveling is good. It's...uh...sexy," Sam says. Scintillating pair, no? She earns a point by telling him that he thinks everything is sexy. He says that isn't true, and she challenges him to name what isn't. There's a long pause as Sam tries to think of one thing that doesn't give him a hard-on. What a shock -- he "can't remember" any. He leans in to kiss her just as his cell phone chimes. As he reaches for the phone, he mutters that it's probably his son. Wrongo! It's Judy. "Whatcha up to?" she asks. Sam casts a nervous glance at Melissex and scrambles up off the couch. He avoids answering by asking her how she's doing. Judy purrs that she's fine, and says she was wondering the same thing about him. "Oh, that's so...nice," he says lamely. Judy toys with a hair elastic and flirts a little. She asks if he wants to go for a drink later. Cornered, Sam spins to look at the Sure Thing on his couch, and stammers that he's having a continuation of his business meeting. Melissex knows what's going on, despite Sam's attempt to keep his side of the conversation furtive. Judy also knows what's going on, and her face hardens as Sam squirms. "You are so...responsible," she says. Her tone implies that, rather than "responsible," there a few other things she'd like to call him, and most of them involve four letters. She lets him off the hook, trying to keep the disappointment out of her voice, and failing miserably. Sam clicks off his phone and exhales heavily, staring at it. "Girlfriend?" Melissex asks. "Heaven forfend," Sam says. Yeah, her sake. He uses the old "she's a friend who's a girl" line. Melissex quickly pegs the situation, observing that Judy wants to be his girlfriend. Sam tries to change the subject, but Melissex won't let him. She's good. She asks how he feels about Judy, and he bullshits that Judy is "uh...very nice." He then schmoozes that he's there with Melissex, now, and leans in for a kiss. Melissex is unable to resist his "charms," for some reason that is and will always be a mystery to me.
Judy, meanwhile, is getting down to some sleuthing. She quickly dials Lily's number, not to speak with Lily but with Rick. She feels a little ridiculous asking him, but she wants to know if he was lying to cover for Sam the night before. Rick closes his eyes and tries to think of a way out. Seconds pass in silence. "Rick?" Judy prods. "What do you mean?" he stalls. Her voice gets an edge, and she says, "Thanks. That's all I needed to know." Rick pleads with her to listen, but Judy assures him, "It's okay, and I thank you. Seriously." She hangs up and curls herself into the fetal position on her couch.
Soliloquy Beach. Again. Now they're all spread out on the sand, looking for all the world like they just finished a huge, rollicking orgy. Sam oinks out the story of how he met his wife because Karen showed up at the beach one weekend with Rick, and she dragged along her friend Janine. Sam says he wasn't interested in falling in love; he was only looking to get laid. I'll give you a second to gather yourself up off the floor.
Sam's got Melissex right where he wants her by the time we cut back to his studio. Namely, on his bed with her shirt off. They're kissing loudly, until Sam suddenly stops with a sigh. Looking stunned and somewhat confused, he says, "I don't believe this. I can't. I can't do this." Melissex rolls onto her back and pulls up the covers with a knowing "You love her." Sam denies it. She assures him it's true. He refuses to accept it. She won't let him deny it. "What are you, my shrink?" he asks. She chuckles and says she's "just spent too much time around single men." She then launches into a little lecture on love and how "it's one of the most dangerous emotions you can feel." When she's finished, Sam says, "Wow, this is...uh...completely embarrassing." "Not at all," she says, being a good sport. Sam glances down at her chest. "Nice bra," he offers. What an ass. Silently, Melissex climbs out of bed and starts to get dressed.
After the break, Lily breezes into Booklovers. Pleasantly surprised, Judy asks what she's doing there. "You okay?" Lily asks, by way of an answer. Judy waves it off and insists that she is, but you know she's lying.
"You okay?" Rick asks. Sam glibly says he's "very fine" and asks how Rick is. Rick doesn't answer, but instead asks how things went with Melissex. Sam informs him they have approval for the lobby. "That's quite a night," Rick observes. "Quite a night," Sam echoes.
"It's totally my fault," Judy says, trying to convince Lily and herself. She says that Sam's been totally honest with her, and that they have no claim on one another. Judy laments that she's "just an idiot, which [Lily] has been trying to tell [Judy] for months." Lily doesn't bother denying it, but just says that she's sorry. Bitterly, Judy states, "He clearly needs to sleep with every woman in Chicago between the ages of twenty-two and thirty-four. It was ridiculous of me to think that was ever going to change."
"So, you're a happening guy," Rick says sarcastically. "That's me," Sam smiles. Rick says he appreciates Sam handling the lobby, but he doesn't want to have to lie anymore on Sam's behalf. Sam says he understands. Rick tells him that Judy called him last night, and Sam rubs his eyes, knowing he's busted.
Lily tries to convince Judy that there are "so many other men out there who don't bring this kind of complication." "No there aren't." "Judy." "Lily." "Judy." "You spent a total of, what, six minutes single and went out with exactly one man? Is that correct?" Chastised, Lily lowers her eyes and says she guesses so. Swallowing tears, Judy says that she's always been led by passion, and she's "always trusted that," but now she doesn't know if she can "live one more day like that," and that "makes [her] really sad."
Woodenly, Sam apologizes and promises never again to put Rick in the position of having to lie. "Gee, thanks," Rick says. Sam slams up from his desk and launches into a huge victim spiel, saying that he's clearly confused, and he's been confused for a long time, and he's been causing pain to Judy and Rick and Lily and Janine and his kid, and probably a whole pile of other people he doesn't even know about. And here's his kicker: "I'm guessing -- and this is just a guess here -- that there are men all across this country doing what I'm doing who aren't getting attacked for it on a daily basis!" Oh, boo hoo, dirtbag. He shoots Rick a shame-on-you look before storming away. Rick doesn't look like Sam's speech changed his mind very much.
Soliloquy Beach. Janine pretends to complain about life with Sam, saying, among other things, that he's "cut off and narcissistic." No arguments here. "No relationship is perfect," Karen points out. "Except for Karen and Rick!" Janine laughs. Karen and Rick have no choice but to smother one another with their lips.
Cut to Karen and Jessie in Karen's van. "Are you sure you don't want something to eat? How about some ice cream?" Karen asks. Jessie says they have "ice cream at home," and then catches herself: "I mean, Lily's." Why doesn't anyone refer to it as Rick's place? "You like it over there," Karen states. Jessie says it's okay, and Karen assures her that she doesn't have to pretend not to for her sake. Jessie insists that she's not pretending.
Soliloquy Beach. Rick and Sam are finally going to finish the story they started seven eons ago. Apparently, Karen burst into tears when Sam reached her way out there in the water. That's all we learn before a very young Jessie busts onto the scene in her nightie. Karen, Rick, and Jessie form a nice cuddly family unit, and Karen tells us, "This is why I burst into tears."
Back in the van, Karen asks why Jessie likes it so much at Lily's. "There's always people over there," Jessie says. She adds that Sam sometimes comes over. She asks if Karen remembers how much fun they used to have, when they'd visit Janine and Sam over the summer. Karen clucks that Jessie is too young to remember it, but Jessie insists she does. Jessie grows quiet and says she feels sorry for Jamie. She asks whether he knows about Judy and Sam. Karen reminds her that Jamie met Judy at Christmas. "I know. I meant about Sam and Judy cheating on Janine," Jessie says. Karen doesn't know what Jessie's talking about, and Jessie thinks Karen is just trying to protect her from the truth. Jessie says it's okay, that Lily told her. Karen tries to keep her mind on the road as the ass-pole turns somersaults and threatens to kill them all.
"Do all men cheat?" Grace asks abruptly. She's just entered the living room, where Lily is stretched out reading Back When We Were Grown-ups (by Anne Tyler), and stands there waiting for an answer. Lily closes the book and sits up, and Grace quickly says, "I'm just asking!" She rhymes off all the cheaters she knows of personally: Jake, Sam, her grandfather. Lily shoots her a look with the last one. Grace says that Barb told her about it. Lily sighs and tries to tell Grace that she's "too young to have to think about things like this." Grace adds, "Until they happen to me? Like they happened to you?" Rick saunters in, blissfully unaware of the topic of conversation, and returns a book to the shelf behind them. Lily assures Grace that "not all men cheat." Rick asks what's up. Lily says, "Grace is having a worried moment." Rick settles himself on the back of the couch and asks what it's about. Grace quickly dismisses him, saying it's not something she can talk to him about. Lily says she can talk to Rick about it. "No, I can't," Grace grits. Lily evaluates her for a second, then goes ahead and tells Rick that Grace found out about Judy and Sam, and now she's wondering whether all men cheat. "So, have you? Ever?" Grace demands, looking at Rick. Lily looks smug as she waits for him to say no. Which he does, except the "no" slides into "only once...in college. I was young. I was stupid. And it nauseated me." Grace throws up her arms, disgusted that her fear has once again been proven justified, and storms off, leaving Rick blustering that he's never done it since. Once Grace is gone, Lily whisper-shrieks, "Why did you have to tell her that?!" Rick asks if he should have lied, instead. Lily complains that Grace has more information about men than she can handle right now. In a nice turn-about, Rick asks, "Why didn't you tell her about the time you cheated on me with Jake?" He wisely ducks away from the couch in anticipation of Lily's swat.
Cut to Judy and Karen in the office at Booklovers. Judy's hanging her head, looking miserable. "I'm so sorry. I didn't know how to tell you," she says. With the ass-pole set to frappe, Karen's pacing around the office like a fiend. She says that Judy wasn't obligated to tell her, but "it's just not good that [she] didn't know." Judy pleads with her to understand that she didn't know Sam was married when she met him. Karen says she does understand, but this new information puts her in "a terrible position with Janine." She reminds Judy that she "vouched" for her. Judy drops her gaze and says she knew that she had to tell Karen, but she "chickened out." Karen, exasperated, shrills, "If you only knew how many of my friends have lost their husbands to younger women!" Softly, Judy asks if there is anything she can say or do to make the situation better. Karen emphatically answers, "No." She adds, "You just did what you needed to do, and I understand, I just..." She grits her teeth and tries to take a breath, shaking her head angrily. "Everybody just does what they need to do," she mutters, and storms out.
Okay, if I have to see Sam Blue shirtless and sporting a mullet one more time, I think I might have to press my eyeballs right into my skull. We're back at Soliloquy Beach again, for the installment of the Lost at Sea. Important points here: Karen was crying when Sam found her, and he couldn't get her onto the raft because of it. Janine mocks Sam's emotional lockdown, and his inability to express anything, even after his parents divorced, and I'm convinced that she's a huge bitch. I hate it when couples jokingly air their problems in front of other people like this. Karen tells Sam that it's not a weakness to need people. "What is this, Pick On Sam Day? Didn't I just save your life, young lady?" he demands. Karen tells everyone to leave Sam alone; he's "veeeeery sensitive." Sam looks like he wants to hang himself with his towel.
Montage of Judy and Sam pacing in their respective studios. Fade into Sam at his drafting table, working on a sketch of Judy. A phone rings, and we follow its sound to Judy's place. She rolls over in bed and grabs the phone off her nightstand. "J.B., it's me," Sam chirps. He asks what she's doing. Flatly, she informs him that she's reading. "Whatcha reading?" he asks. She cuts the shit and asks what he wants. He says he just wanted to say hi and tell her that he missed her, and to hear the sound of her voice. Judy stares straight ahead, steely, and doesn't say anything. Sam stammers, "Ha, listen, uh, about the other night..." "It's too late," Judy snaps, and clicks off her phone. Sam calls her right back, starting to panic. She answers, her speech already rehearsed. "You know why I love books, Sam? Because they have a beginning, a middle, and an end. And you, you're just beginnings and ends. There's never a story with you. Just start and stop." Sam swallows hard. "What can I do?" he asks. "Okay, here's what you can do. Don't call, don't come here, and don't even cross my line of vision," Judy grits. He asks why she's doing this. "How dare I try to be happy, is that it?" she asks, incredulous, adding, "You know what else I like about books? Their finality. When they're over, you know it. Just two little words: The End." Judy clicks off the phone, out of breath and looking like she can't quite believe she just pulled that off. Sam lets his head drop back against the wall, and we have plenty of time not to feel sorry for him as we head to commercials.
Karen's in a café waiting for her coffee when we return, and Sam "accidentally" stumbles across her. He makes a lame attempt at a joke, and it falls flat. Uninvited, he settles into the seat across from her, explaining the purpose of a joke. The ass-pole is not amused.
And, we're back at Soliloquy Beach. Sam and Rick together relate how the lifeguards had to pry Karen off Sam. "You were my life preserver," she says coyly, giving Sam a cute little look. "Am I blushing? I'm blushing," Sam laughs into the camera. Karen affectionately tousles his hair.
At the café, Sam facetiously says that the whole mess is Karen's fault, since she's the one who introduced him to Janine. "I did, didn't I? What was I thinking?" she asks with a wry smile. She claims barely even to remember who they all were back then. "Well, we were friends, weren't we," Sam says. "More than friends..." Karen says, looking up at him. Don't get too excited, though. She just means they were "like family." "And now?" Sam asks, a little nervously.
"Now, I'm exhausted," Soliloquy Sam announces, slinging his towel across his shoulders and pushing himself out of his lawn chair. "I need someone to cook for me," he adds, pulling Janine up out of her chair. "Yeah, yeah, yeah," she pretends to grumble. Sam, Janine, and Rick head off with their chairs, and Rick calls out to ask whether Karen is coming. She shakes out her towel and says she'll be there in a second. She really wants a chance to reflect on what happened out there, and stares at the ocean, looking almost disillusioned.
Karen has a similar look at the cafe as she answers Sam. "I know what you did to [Janine], Sam. With Judy," she says sadly. "All right, all right. At least I know where you stand," he mutters. Karen stares across at him and enunciates very slowly: "I don't stand anywhere. Trust me." She gives him a reality check, saying that Janine "wants blood," and that if she finds out that Sam did cheat on her, he could stand to lose Jamie entirely. Sam informs Karen that he and Judy "are over now," as if that somehow changes what he did. He adds that Jamie "is all [he's] got left now," and Karen looks wistful, staring off and softly saying, "I know how you feel." Sam asks what he should do. Karen sighs and shakes her head: "You're asking me?" Sam nods, looking desperate. Karen keeps shaking her head, staring sadly at the tabletop. Finally, she looks up and breaks it to him: "You are what you want. I mean, that defines who you are. If you have any desire to change, change the things you want." Sam absorbs her words, looking pained. Karen's order is up, and she excuses herself.
A phone rings, and we follow the sound to Judy's apartment again. Her answering machine flashes that she already has three messages, and as it picks up, we hear Sam Blue leaving yet one more. He pleads with her to pick up if she's home. Oh, Judy's home, all right. Home and cowering on the floor behind her kitchen table like some whipped puppy.
Fade to Judy wandering into the kitchen at Manning Manor. Grace is at the table working on homework. She tells Judy that Lily is upstairs, but Judy flops into a chair and says she's not really there for any reason; she just had to get out of the house to avoid some phone calls. "A stalker?" Grace asks. "Sam," Judy admits. Grace stops writing and looks up at her. "Is that bad?" she asks. Judy admits that she's stopped seeing Sam. Grace points out that Judy claimed she wasn't seeing him to begin with. Caught, Judy confesses that her relationship with Sam "has been somewhat confused." "I'll say," Grace snorts. Judy looks wounded and asks what she means. Grace gives her an oh-please eyeroll and informs her that she knows all about when the affair started. Her tone turns dismissive as she announces that she doesn't want to talk about it, and she really has a lot of work to do. She pointedly turns her attention back to her homework. Judy reels for a second and then leans across the table, asking if she can explain something to Grace. She says that she didn't foresee the consequences of her actions when she first met Sam. She didn't know there would be a wife and a kid who were going to be hurt. "That was my failure, but it wasn't my intention," she adds. Grace is unmoved. "And when my dad screwed around? What do you think his intentions were?" Grace asks stonily.
The phone rings. Grace answers and tells Karen that she'll run upstairs and get Jessie for her. Judy takes the opportunity to say hello to Karen, who is a little distant in return. Judy says she just wanted to let Karen know that she stopped seeing Sam. Karen says she knows; Sam already told her. Karen says she's sorry. Jessie picks up the extension upstairs, and Judy says hi to her. Jessie says "Bye" in return. Wow, Judy's getting the scorn everywhere she turns, now, isn't she? Judy says a soft goodbye to Jessie and Karen and clicks off. Karen's tone turns exuberant, and she says she's just on her way over to get Jessie as she tosses a couple pairs of skates over her shoulder. Jessie says she was just about to call -- she doesn't think she'll be able to go skating after all because of the History paper. Karen stammers that they won't stay late, but Jessie says that she's barely started writing the paper. Karen pauses and tries to think of a new angle, finally saying that they could just grab a quick dinner instead. Jessie craps all over that suggestion by saying that she already ate with the rest of the crew at Manning Manor. You can almost hear Karen's heart crack. She struggles to maintain her composure. "Mom?" Jessie asks. Karen doesn't trust herself to speak yet. She swallows and tries to make her voice sound normal, and finally asks, "Are you saying that you want to stay at Lily's?" Jessie sighs and says no, and that she guesses she could come over; it's just that she's worried about not finishing her paper. Why doesn't she just use Karen's computer to work on it? Karen struggles for a few moments and finally chokes out that she understands. She wishes Jessie good luck with the paper, and as her voice starts to thicken with tears, she chokes out, "I love you." "Me too," Jessie says quickly, which brings a smile to Karen's face. They say goodbye, and Karen's face immediately falls. She clutches one of the skates and slowly sinks to the floor, finally letting herself have a really good cry. The sound of waves washes over her and draws us back to Soliloquy Beach.
Soliloquy Karen stands at the water's edge, explaining that there was a moment when she was in the water, before Sam reached her, when she had accepted that she was going to drown. "And for one second, I actually enjoyed being alone at sea. I wasn't a wife anymore, or a mother. I could let it all go. And it was wonderful. It was bliss. I could just float away..."
Those words waft over the present-day Karen, who's huddled on the floor, wracked with sobs.
Cut to Sam striding purposefully toward Judy's apartment. He falters for a second at her door, but then works up the nerve to knock. Judy tells him to "please go away." He says he can't. Judy says she doesn't have anything to say to him. "That's good," he says, which surprises her. He explains, "You've said everything, and for the past two years I haven't said anything that's worth saying, so now it's my turn." He assures her that he'll keep on talking whether she lets him in or not, but it'll be "easier on [his] throat" if she opens the door. Finally, she relents and throws open the door. Sam starts, and sounds a lot like his smarmy schmoozing self. Judy starts to close the door on him, saying she can't do this. Sam stops her, saying he thought he needed to be on his own for a while to figure out who he is and all that other crap. Judy says she knows. "No, you don't know, so would you just shut up for a second?" he demands. Yeah, there's the way straight to my heart. But Judy does shut up, and Sam says, "I've realized that time doesn't mean anything. I was married for ten years, and then I was alone. And I had this image in my head that I would find peace, and I would know what to do. But I have to forget that image, Judy, because if I don't I'm going to lose you." Judy informs him that he's already lost her, and moves to retreat behind the door. Sam begs her not to say that, and pulls her close, saying, "Judy, I love you. I love you. And I need you in my life, and I never let myself need anybody. Not even Janine. And I'm terrified, and it's a horrible, and it's a wonderful feeling, and I'm happy to be able to feel that. Judy, I want to build houses for you, I want to have kids with you, and I want to annoy you, and I want to take care of you when you're sick. And just because I was stupid and scared, it doesn't mean you have to be stupid and scared too. I love you, Judy. I want you in my life. More than anything I've ever wanted. And now, I've finally run out of things to say." Judy stares up at him, already lost, and wonders, "How can I do this?" Sam takes the words right out of my mouth: "Because you have no sense?" She says she called everyone and told them that they're through. Sam looks worried for a second. "Oh, god. Now I've gotta call everyone back," Judy complains. They kiss. Judy laughs ecstatically. Yeah, we'll see how long that lasts.