Big, big thanks to Ragdoll, who did a fabulous job covering the show last week! And to Cancun for having amazing weather, and to the bartenders at the Royal Mayan, who blend a mean mango daiquiri (even though they gave me a healthy head start on that dreaded holiday five). And now, back to the grind.
We open in the living room of Manning Manor, where everyone but Lily is buzzing around a naked Christmas tree, pulling out lights and bantering about their respective family traditions. Eli disparages the Sammler tradition of the family sing-along, which he claims only Karen enjoys. Rick pipes up, "for the record," to say that he happens to like the sing-along, too. Zoe is thrown by the Sammler habit of opening presents on Christmas Eve, wondering what there is to look forward to on Christmas. "Imagine being able to sleep in on Christmas morning without having Zoe wake you up at 5:30," Grace teases. My stepbrother tried to wake me up at 3:30 one year. That's right: one year. Zoe points out that it was Grace who woke her up last year.
Lily comes barreling through the front door, loaded down with shopping bags, and exclaims, "What a great tree!" She asks how things are going, and Rick informs her, "We're just having a doctrinal dispute over when to open Christmas presents -- Christmas Eve or Christmas morning." Lily calmly suggests that they can do both -- Eli and Jessie can open gifts with Karen and then again with them on Christmas morning. "But what are you going to do when you have a kid?" Zoe asks. "Huh?" Rick manages. Zoe clarifies, "About family traditions." Lily and Rick stare blankly, and Lily murmurs something to the effect that they've never considered it. "You guys totally should," Jessie grins. "Absolutely," Grace beams. I'd smell their breath, because they've clearly been nipping into the Christmas cheer. The kids start teasing Rick by tossing out the qualities the kid would inherit from him, like a propensity for singing along with the Three Tenors in the car, "when he thinks none of [them] can hear." The four of them gather in front of the fireplace for an impromptu imitation of the tenors. Lily and Rick laugh adoringly, full of the warm fuzzies. The first time I watched this, I had the warm fuzzies, too, but I think mine were from the margaritas.
Later, Lily and Rick are wrapping presents in their bedroom. "So what do you think?" Lily asks, curling a ribbon. Rick says he thinks he should sing more quietly in the car. Lily explains she meant what does he think "about Zoe's question." She can't even say the word "baby," and she wants to consider having one?
Soliloquy Rick tries not to pee his pants in terror. I'm not sure he succeeds. "Uh..." he finally stammers.
Rick hedges that he thinks they should "think about it." "About having one?" Lily asks, sounding surprised. "Well, I think we should think about thinking about it," Rick says.
"He doesn't want another kid," Soliloquy Lily interprets for us. Which is helpful, because Rick's burning enthusiasm really had me convinced otherwise.
Rick turns the question back on Lily, but before she can answer, there's a knock at the door. Lily and Rick scramble to shove the gifts under the blanket, warning the kids not to come in yet. Zoe enters and informs them that she can't find the good ornaments. Grace and Jessie are right behind her, Grace piping up that the decorations must be at Jake's. Zoe asks Jessie, "Did you guys come with ornaments?" "Like divorced-family action figures?" Jessie asks. Heh. Lily merrily suggests they make ornaments using popcorn and cranberries. Grace snots, "Since when would we have popcorn and cranberries?" Jessie and Zoe take advantage of the parental distraction, and make a dive for the gifts. Lily guards the stash, squealing and shooing the kids out of the room. Zoe makes one desperate, last-ditch attempt, but Rick scoops her up and carries her out, tickling her all the way.
In what has to be the strangest segue ever, we cut to Rick shaking the dew off the old Yule log and flushing the toilet. They're just keeping it real, I guess. As he rinses his hands, he calls out that he can't wait to open his Christmas present. Lily says she hopes he'll like it. He wanders into the bedroom and asks what she got him, but she refuses to spill it. He pulls her onto the bed and starts snuffling the back of her neck to wear down her defenses. After a second or two, she says, "You don't want to have another kid." She rhymes off a few reasons against it: sleepless nights, dirty diapers, and strollers. I'm sold. Rick asks how she feels about it. She gets up, saying, "I don't even know if I can still get pregnant. I'm not twenty-five anymore." She bends to touch her toes, and Rick growls, "You look like you're twenty-five." Lily looks up and coos, "Maybe you could get an early Christmas present." She lifts his t-shirt and starts planting kisses all over his stomach, but just as things get hot, she bolts up with a frantic, "Oh my god!" It's not because of belly-button lint, which was my first thought. It's because her doctor wants her off the Pill, and she just remembered that she hasn't been on it for three days. Rick wonders what they'll use now. Lily takes a seat up at the head of the bed, and says she could go back to a diaphragm. "So much for spontaneity," she laments. Rick prowls up the bed and starts nibbling her neck, asking if she happens to have one lying around at the moment. Lily giggles and says maybe they "could just have another kid." Rick lifts his face from her throat and cautiously says, "All right."
Soliloquy Lily says, "If I thought Rick wanted another kid -- I mean really wanted one -- then...maybe." She beams.
Lily clicks off the bedside lamp and says, "We're not going to have more kids, are we?"
Soliloquy Rick sighs, "I guess, if she really wants one..." Okay, it's not a puppy we're talking about here. This just isn't right.
In bed, Lily sighs, "Then I guess we have to deal with this situation." She offers to get her tubes tied, and kids that it sounds like something one of her "mother's friends would have said, back in the '70s." Rick pecks her cheek before rolling over and saying that it doesn't have to be her; he could "always have the old snip-snip." Lily's all over it. She leans over him to be sure she heard him right -- did he just offer to have a vasectomy? "Did I?" Rick asks. "Did you?" Little Ricky cries. Lily nuzzles his cheek and proclaims it one of the most "romantic, sexy things" she's ever heard. Oookay. I doubt it'll be on a Hallmark anytime soon, but whatever. She nibbles his ear and murmurs, "You're unbelievable." Rick tries to smile, and fights the urge to beat his skull against the headboard. "Stupid! Stupid! Stupid!" he thinks, as we head to commercials.
After the break, we find Jake at Tiffany's place, where she's sitting on the bed folding baby clothes and pouting. "You have a date," she says. Jake looks up from the desk and insists that it isn't a date: "It's two non-religious divorced people, whose kids are with their exes, having dinner on Christmas Eve." Changing the subject, he asks whether the midwife has "any letters" after her name. Tiffany resents his implication that the midwife isn't as good as the people at the hospital, but Jake says he's not trying to be insulting; he's just wondering how to make out the check. He mutters, "At least you gave up on the water birth. That was expensive and weird." Tiffany lumbers up off the bed, grumbling that it isn't her fault that insurance won't cover a home birth. She adds that she said she would pay him back. Jake tears off the check and hands it to her, saying, "I don't want you to pay me back. I just want you and the baby to be safe." Tiffany gives him a half smile and says she knows, adding that "statistically, hospital births aren't actually safer." Jake glibly retorts that hospitals are fine: "If you were to ask Lily, she'd tell you that she had two incredibly smooth, successful hospital deliveries that were attended to by excellent medical personnel that -- yes -- had lots of letters after their names." Tiffany grits her teeth but manages to stay calm, saying, "You're mad at me." Jake tries to deny it, but Tiffany's not buying. She says, "Your ambivalence about this baby can't touch me. You can't bum me out. I'm unbummable." Jake has nothing to say to that.
Cut to Rick's office, where he and Sam are putting together their corporate gifts. Sam says incredulously, "You offered to cut off your penis?" Rick looks up from the gift card he's signing and says, "Incendiary and medically incorrect." Sam states the obvious: "You're a better man than I," adding, "But soon you'll be less of one." I doubt that's possible. He chuckles exaggeratedly while licking an envelope. If ever there were a time for a paper cut...
Over at the radio station, Lily and Judy are wrapping presents, too. Judy's wearing one of those horrible holiday sweaters with a big Christmas tree in the middle of it. I can't believe that thing would ever hang in Judy's closet. "Isn't that incredible?" Lily gushes. "I didn't even have to bring it up, he just offered." Judy's not so easily impressed. "Well, he should offer," she says, her pigtails waving indignantly. She points out that men have it much easier than women, not just regarding reproduction, but in ending their capacity for it, too. She's particularly bitter about the fact that their reproductive bits don't have best-before dates, like women's do. She gripes, "It's like multiple-partner sex-party-till-you-drop." I'm not sure what having viable sperm has to do with having sex till you drop, but whatever.
Rick explains to Sam that because he and Lily are "done with the kid thing, there's nothing left to lose." Sam disagrees, grunting, "Maybe it's a primal male thing, but I like to know I have swimmers carrying my DNA, even if I never use them." Do us all a favor, and don't.
Judy informs Lily that the surgery she'd have to have is "way more dangerous" than Rick's. Amazingly, this is news to Lily. Judy says that in spite of the risks, more women have their tubes tied than men have vasectomies. "Because men don't want to go there," she mutters. She adds, "I just don't like the idea of you having to be grateful for something that, really, should just be a no-brainer." Go, Judy! Lily looks thoughtful.
"Plus, I gotta believe that there's another way for a guy to go than to take chunks out of his own scrotum," Sam says, waving around the scissors for emphasis. Rick holds up his hand to silence him. Sam snip, snip, snips with the scissors and mumbles something about them going in and pulling out the vans deferens. "Okay, enough! Too much information," Rick says. He looks like he's about to cry.
"I'm not even sure what's going on with my dwindling eggs, and meanwhile, I'm spending Christmas Eve with Sam, even though we're not really even a couple," Judy complains, looking thoroughly depressed. Lily starts to say something, but Judy cuts her off with a warning: "If you say something negative right now, I'm leaving." Lily puts her arm around Judy and coos, "I'm not going to say anything except I love you." "If I could just get him to say that," Judy says glumly. If you could just get a clue and kick his slimy ass to the curb for good, you mean. She glances down and seems to notice for the first time the tacky knitwear she's sporting. She asks if she can borrow Lily's red sweater that night. Lily agrees, and they're suddenly interrupted by the radio announcer, whose voice is getting louder and louder. He reads a blizzard warning and cautions that road conditions are growing increasingly hazardous.
The announcement carries us into the scene, as Tiffany trudges through the thickly falling snow, up the front walk at Manning Manor. Inside, she finds Grace and Zoe stringing the tree with a popcorn garland as Christmas carols play in the background. Grace seems surprised to see her, and Tiffany explains that she just dropped by to bring Lily some Dead Sea bath salts, because Lily's been so nice. "Great," Grace says, looking uncomfortable. "Grace!" Zoe prods, tugging on the garland Grace is holding. Tiffany checks out the sad state of the tree and asks, "What exactly are you going for?" Zoe says, "I'm not really going for anything. We can't find the good ornaments." Jessie comes bounding down the stairs, expecting Tiffany to be Rick. She says he's supposed to drive her over to Karen's. "We always have fun and bake Christmas cookies and...just have fun," she says, wiggling on the spot in anticipation. "Meanwhile, I'm stuck in the house of no ornaments," Zoe grumbles. Tiffany heaves herself off the bench, rubbing her belly and brightly asking, "Have you considered cup melting?" "What?" Zoe and Grace say in unison, wrinkling their noses.
Cut to the kitchen, where a pair of hands removes a tray of said melted cups from the oven. Mmm, nothing like a few carcinogens to make your Christmas bright. "I don't know why, but I'm really good at melting stuff," Tiffany mutters as she sets the tray on the counter. Judy bustles through the back door, exclaiming over the cold and wondering, "What stinks?" "Melted cup ornaments," Eli says. Jessie comes into the kitchen and asks if Eli has talked to Rick. Eli says he just called, but the roads are really bad, so he may be a while. Jessie says that Karen is upset they're not there yet. "Do you see a car I can drive us in?" Eli snips. Judy, eavesdropping, says she's just borrowing a sweater from Lily, and she can drop them at Karen's on her way downtown. Grace's ears perk up, and she cocks her head with a knowing grin, asking, "Are you seeing Sam?" Judy squirms and says, "That is none of your business," but she can't keep the smile from the corners of her mouth. "Judy!" Grace exclaims. Judy concedes, "Yes, of course, but it is not a date." She tries to escape the questioning, but Grace fires off, "Then why are you borrowing a sweater?" Judy does her best schoolmarm, turning sternly and stating, "I'm going to go change, and when I return, this bus is leaving!" She claps her hands for emphasis. Grace hops off her stool and chases Judy, sing-songing, "Judy has a date with Sa-am! Judy has a date with Sa-am!"
Cut to the radio station. Lily approaches the Curmudgeon and tentatively says that everyone is getting anxious about the weather. "What weather?" he gripes, as the blizzard warning blares on in the background. Lily reminds him they've been broadcasting blizzard alerts for the last four hours. "When did people in this country become afraid of a little snow?" the Curmudgeon crabs. Lily rolls her eyes and gives him a pleading look. He relents and grudgingly says everyone can go. Lily turns to spread the good news, but he stops her at the doorway to ask if she'll help him finish up a few things so that he can get out of there, too. She tries to hide her disappointment and fails miserably.
Over at Manning Manor, Zoe's putting the finishing touches on the tree as the TV blares out its weather watch in the background. She hops down off the ladder and marches up to Grace on the couch, demanding, "What do you think?" Grace complains, "I think this blizzard must be bad because they keep interrupting, like, every two seconds for it." Zoe rolls her eyes and says she meant the tree. Grace evaluates the tree and mockingly says, "It's great." Zoe sighs with irritation and stomps back to her handiwork, while Grace does her best Mary Poppins: "Oh, no, no, no, Zoe. It's really, really great. Good job!" Zoe yells to Tiffany in the kitchen that Grace is making fun of the two of them and the ornaments Tiffany "worked so hard on!" Tiffany waddles out from the kitchen looking shaken. "Tiffany?" Grace says, her smile fading fast. Tiffany glances down at her feet, and says, "Either I'm peeing and I just can't stop, or my water broke. It's breaking, right here on your floor." The camera pans down, and sure enough, there's a puddle. Grace and Zoe fight the urge to faint while we fade to commercials.
Zoe and Grace seem to have collected themselves by the time we return. Or, Grace and Tiffany have. Tiffany's down on the floor wiping up her puddle, and Grace is bringing her more paper towels. Zoe, meanwhile, is jumping up and down squealing, "Ohmygod, ohmygod, ohmygod, ohmygod..." until Grace begs her to stop. The girls help Tiffany to her feet, and Grace asks whether they should call 9-1-1. Tiffany says they don't have to; she's going to have a home birth. Zoe asks what that is. "What does it sound like?" Grace snots. "Shut up," Zoe mutters under her breath. "Zoe, you shut up," Grace shrills. Tiffany clenches, and they apologize. Grace asks what Tiffany needs, and what they can do. Tiffany says she has everything she needs at her apartment, so she just needs them to call Jake and ask him to pick up the midwife. Grace goes for the phone, and Zoe says she'll get Tiffany some water. Tiffany calls out that Jake's on a date, but that he said to call if she needed anything. Grace looks up from the phone. "He's on a date?" she repeats, incredulous. "Well, he won't admit it, but I know he is," Tiffany murmurs.
Cut to the scene of Jake's date, just as his cell phone starts ringing. He oozes a laugh and apologizes to the woman as he clicks on the phone. He's greeted by Grace's urgent voice: "Tiffany's water broke. She's fine but she needs you to pick up the midwife. Is that okay?" Jake says he can pick up the midwife, and his date pricks up her ears. Tiffany calls out that Jake can just take the midwife to her apartment, and she'll meet them there. Jake agrees. Clicking off his phone, he squirms, "Ah...heh. Okay. I'm so sorry, but I'm going to have to go." His date says she "kind of figured," and gives him a quizzical look. She asks whose midwife he has to pick up. "Oh, just this girl. Who's having my baby. My ex-girlfriend," Jake says, forcing a smile. "Oh. Cool," his date says. Jake makes himself chuckle as if he agrees.
Lily and the Curmudgeon are finally leaving the radio station. She's standing talking to Rick on her cell phone, who's scraping his truck and asking whether she needs him to come and pick her up. She says she's okay, and the Curmudgeon barks, "You're coming with me! It's terrible out there." Lily tells Rick that Les has offered to drive her home. She tells Rick to call the kids and let them know she'll be home "real soon." Famous last words.
Meanwhile, Karen's place is glowing with all the warmth of those down home country Christmas specials. I'm expecting Dolly or Kenny to pop out from behind the tree at any second. The front door opens, and Karen rushes to smother the kids with hugs and kisses, gushing that she's so happy to see them. Judy closes the door and wearily sags against it. Karen offers to get her some egg nog -- she has three kinds, after all. Judy declines, saying she's not over the drive yet, and thanks Eli for taking over. The kids head into the living room, and Judy says she should get going, since she still has to meet Sam. Karen grabs her arm and tells her that's crazy talk. She suggests that Judy call Sam and have him pick her up at Karen's. She leaves Judy to make the call and joins the kids in the living room, saying, "I was so worried about you. Now we can have our sing-along."
Tiffany's pacing the floor over at Manning Manor. Zoe watches her and then gets a jolt, saying, "Oh my god, I just realized something! You're having your baby on Christmas!" Grace rolls her eyes and snarks, "Oh my god. Maybe it'll be another messiah." You know, Santa's probably still checking his list, Gracie. It's not too late for you to get a nice pile of reindeer poop in your stocking. Tiffany flinches and says she hopes the kid's not the second coming -- "too much pressure!" The phone rings, and Zoe jumps over the back of the couch to answer it. It's Rick, calling to let the kids know that he and Lily are on their way home. "Tiffany's water broke," Zoe says matter-of-factly. Rick manages to keep the truck on the road, but exclaims, "My god! Is she okay? Let me talk to her." Tiffany assures him that she's fine; she talked to her doctor, and she has "loads of time." Rick tells her not to move. He'll be right there. More famous last words. Have these people never seen a woman-in-labor- during-a-blizzard episode before? Tiffany's cell phone starts ringing, and Tiffany asks Grace to grab it. She sinks into a chair and hands off the phone to Zoe, saying she's "totally head-rushing here." Rick asks Zoe if everything is okay. "Jake's getting the midwife," she informs him. "There's a midwife?" Rick asks. Grace clicks on Tiffany's phone, and it's Jake. He tells her he can't find the midwife. "Jake can't find the midwife," Grace relays, sounding a little panicked. Zoe repeats the news to Rick. Tiffany says that she's probably stranded at her job because she rides a scooter. She rides a scooter in Chicago in the winter in the midst of blizzard warnings? That doesn't seem wise. Tiffany says it's "the health-food place on Third and Norton." Jake repeats it, and his date's face lights up with recognition. "That's my market," she chirps. It's a small world, after all! "What?" Grace snipes. Jake says he has to go and clicks off the phone. Rick gets a beep and tells Zoe that has to go, but he's six blocks away, so he'll be home soon. He clicks on the other line, and it's Lily, telling him that she and the Curmudgeon were in an accident. The potato flakes are flying fast and furious, collecting on Lily like she's Thanksgiving dinner. She asks Rick if he can come and pick them up. So much for being home soon.
Chestnuts are roasting on an open fire over at Karen's, where the gang is snuggled on a couch, sucking candy canes and playing charades. Eli's trying to figure out the title of the Christmas movie Karen is acting out. He finally guesses, "A Christmas Carol," and Karen's face lights up. She collapses onto the couch, laughing, as Jessie asks, "Mom, were you being that Carol woman from the bank?" Karen cops to it, and Jessie declares that she's such a dork. Karen swats her playfully as the doorbell rings. It's Sam, toting a small child. "Happy happy, everybody!" he announces, shaking off the snow and saying how bad the storm is getting. Karen comes forward and hugs the kid, saying, "Hi, Jamie! I didn't expect to see you!" The kid just stands there, unsmiling and unresponsive. Sam explains that Janine got stuck in the city, so he thought Jamie could hang out with them until she made it home. He glances at Judy to see how she's reacting. She's thrown, but trying to take it in stride. Karen says to Jamie, "I haven't seen you since your ninth birthday. Do you remember me?" He stares at her warily and says, "Yeah. You broke my bouncy." What a doll. Everyone laughs as if the kid is adorable and Karen says he's right. "Mom!" Jessie chides, sounding embarrassed. "What can I say? I'm a vigorous jumper!" She asks if he remembers Jessie and Eli. He barely glances at them and mutters something affirmative. Sam pulls off the kid's toque and points to Judy, saying she's the "really cool friend" he told him about. Jamie looks at Judy like he knows exactly what "really cool friend" means. She smiles warmly and sticks out her hand, saying, "Hey Jamie. How ya doing?" He shakes it and says a soft hi.
Judy makes a motion and says she'll go get her stuff, but Karen interjects that it's way too nasty to go outside at the moment. She suggests they stay and have dinner, since she has a ton of food. Sam starts to protest, saying something stupid about driving in bad weather being a "manly challenge," but everyone shoots him down. He crouches to Jamie and asks what he thinks; does he want to have dinner there? Jamie shrugs and agrees. Jessie asks if he wants to play charades and says he can be on her team. Jamie starts to relax and smile for the first time, and agrees. Eli teases that Jessie could really use the help. They bustle the kid off to the living room, leaving Judy and Sam alone for a minute. Judy smiles after the kid and gushes, "Oh my god, he is so cute!" Sam sighs, "Yeah," as if he really doubts it, and then asks if she's okay with the way things are turning out. She assures him she is, saying that she just wishes she had a present for Jamie. She jokingly wonders if it's okay to give him cash. Sam mutters something about Judy not bringing him a present, either. Jamie appears in the doorway, interrupting their chummy little exchange by announcing, "I need my markers." He stands there staring at them, expressionless. Any second now he'll be starting in with the "redrum" and the finger crooking. "Oookay," Sam says, pulling on his coat and heading out to the car to get the kid's art supplies. Judy turns to smile at Jamie, who shoots her a withering look before turning on his heel and heading back into the living room.
Over at Manning Manor, Tiffany winces and leans against a chair. "Was that a contraction?" Grace asks anxiously. Tiffany says she doesn't know. The front door opens, and Grace and Zoe rush for it, relieved finally to see Lily. Zoe asks where they were and says that Tiffany's water broke. Lily says she knows; they had an accident, and everyone is fine. She says she'll tell them about it in a minute, but first she wants to see how Tiffany's doing. She rushes into the living room, but Tiffany assures her that she's fine; she's still in the early stages. Lily smiles, relieved, and says she went to the hospital twice before they'd even admit her. Tiffany says she's not going to the hospital. "Excuse me, what?" Rick says from the foyer. Zoe relates that Tiffany is having a home birth. Rick asks what happens if something goes wrong, and for the millionth time, Tiffany explains that it's really safe. She's interrupted by another contraction, one so strong that it doubles her over. Grace says, "It's all planned out. Dad's on his way to her place with the midwife." Rick says, "I just wonder if you wouldn't be more comfortable --" "Why doesn't the midwife meet you at the hospital?" Lily interrupts. Tiffany tries to be patient, saying, "If it's a problem, I can drive myself. But I'd really like to have the home birth I planned for." The Curmudgeon emerges from the foyer, saying, "Uh, statistically there's no evidence that a hospital birth is safer." Tiffany beams and thanks him. Les adds that his daughter had a home birth. The phone rings. Zoe hands it off to Tiffany. "Hey, beauty!" Tammy, the midwife, chirps. She asks how Tiffany is doing. "It's really weird down there," Tiffany complains. "Yeah, you've probably been laboring and didn't even know it," Tammy says sympathetically. Tiffany smiles excitedly and passes along that bit of news to the rest of the gang. They're much less thrilled about it. Lily distracts herself by asking Grace to get some ice for the Curmudgeon's forehead. Grace leads the way to the kitchen, saying, "I'm Grace." The Curmudgeon mutters, "Yeah, I gathered." Lily pulls Rick into the foyer. "I was so scared when you called earlier," he whispers. Grace asks the Curmudgeon, "How do you want your ice? In a towel or in an ice pack?" "In a glass, with vodka on it," the Curmudgeon answers. Have I mentioned that I love this man? Grace is charmed, too. Tiffany joins Lily and Rick in the foyer, asking tentatively, "Lily, can you check to see if my cervix is open? I have explicit instructions from Tammy." She heads for the stairs, while Lily looks positively horrified. "This is not my job!" she whispers to Rick. Bet getting trapped in a blizzard is starting to look pretty good, right about now.
"Okay, well, sorry about tonight," Jake says, laughing uncomfortably as his date goes to get out of the car. She pulls up the hood on her pink coat and philosophizes, "Hey, when your ex-girlfriend's having your baby, your ex-girlfriend's having your baby." Jake laughs, trying to swallow his bitterness and not fully succeeding. The date ducks her head in to wish Jake and Tammy a merry Christmas before closing the door. Tammy, now in the front seat, says, "So, Tiffany is your ex-girlfriend, she's having your baby, and you're out on a date with that woman, right?" She is so not impressed. Jake hangs his head a little, and Tammy says, "Just trying to get it straight." And let you know what a pig you are, she thinks.
Cut to Tiffany, lying on her back on Lily's bed. The camera pans down, and there's a blanket tented over her knees. Lily's head emerges from beneath it. Needless to say, she looks a little green around the gills, but she's a good sport about it, exhaling hard and saying a bright "Okey dokey!" She clicks off her flashlight, and Tiffany says, "So, it looks like I'm really having this baby, huh?" "Yep," Lily chokes, and then holds up her finger before excusing herself and running out of the room. You can hear her feet on the stairs, and it would be so great if it were followed by a Simpsons getaway (read: car door slamming, tires squealing). Tiffany breathes hard, stares at the ceiling, and looks like she's trying not to cry.
Lily races halfway down the stairs and calls, "Rick! Call Jake and have him bring the midwife to our house. We're having a home birth." Whether we like it or not, her tone implies. Her expression flashes from exhilaration to sheer terror in the span of about two seconds, and she's off up the stairs again. The gang in the living room absorbs the news for a second, stunned. Rick eyeballs the Curmudgeon's vodka rocks and salivates hard. Zoe bursts into the frame, exclaiming, "Cool!" and pogo-ing up and down like a kangaroo on meth.
We're greeted by intense groaning when we return from commercials. The camera pans across the bedroom to Zoe and Tiffany, standing in the doorway. Tiffany is squeezing Zoe's hand. "All right, well, that was two and a half minutes," Lily says, clicking the stopwatch. She leads Tiffany to the bed. Tiffany notices Zoe rubbing her hand and apologizes for mashing it. Zoe says it's okay, and then asks, "What does it feel like?" Tiffany breathes hard and answers, "Kinds of like an Indian burn inside you." Zoe looks sorry that she asked. Tiffany notices Lily clearing off the bed for her and protests that the sheets are too nice. Lily insists that it's okay. "Isn't there going to be, like, epic grossness?" Tiffany asks. Lily again promises that it's okay, and says she'll be right back. She closes the bedroom door with a look of horror.
Passing Rick on her way to the kitchen, she urgently whispers, "I can't do this! We can't possibly do this in this house!" He stands there, helpless, as Lily dials the phone. "Jake! This is insane! Where are you?" she snaps. Jake says there's only one road open, and it's not moving. Lily tells him that Tiffany's contractions are really close together, and she was already really dilated a half-hour ago, and Lily's afraid to look again because she's afraid she'll find a baby waving at her. Frustrated and terrified, Lily clenches that the situation is ridiculous. "I'm doing the best I can!" Jake barks. "I know!" Lily grits, clicking off the phone. She hangs her head, and Rick puts his hands on her shoulders to try to hug her, but she's too agitated. "Well, we'll just have to make it work. We don't have much of a choice, do we?" she snaps before turning and storming back into the bedroom. Rick stands there, silently apologizing for not going to medical school.
"So that was your ex-wife?" Tammy asks. Jake sighs, "At my ex-house, where my ex-girlfriend is having a baby we never planned for and never expected to have." A car honks impatiently behind them. "What? There is no place to go!" Jake shouts. He looks over at Tammy and says, "I don't know what Tiffany told you, but I'm not a bad guy," he says. "She never said you were," she says mildly. "I'm taking responsibility for this baby," Jake declares. "Good," Tammy says simply. "I have two daughters who I take very good care of," Jake adds. "Good," Tammy repeats. "I don't know why everybody's got to look at me like I'm some sort of villain here," Jake whines. "And who's looking at you that way?" Tammy asks. She and Dr. Wise-Ass should go into practice together. Jake chews on her question for a while as cars continue honking all around them.
Meanwhile, everyone's cozied around the dinner table at Karen's, laughing and having a great time. Jamie reaches for something and knocks over his glass. "Who, whoa, whoa, honey," Sam says. Karen reaches over the table with her napkin to swab the spill, assuring everyone that it's okay. Sam chides, "If you want something, all you gotta do is ask for it, buddy." Jamie pouts that he knows. Jessie wants to escape the tension, and asks to be excused. Eli follows suit. Sam thanks Karen for having them, and Judy smiles, adding, "Yeah, it was much better than the pizza Sam would have ordered." She carries their plates to the sink. From the kitchen, Jessie asks if she can start on the gingerbread house. Karen says sure, and tips her head subtly toward Jamie. Jessie shoots her a burning look but relents, and reluctantly asks Jamie if he wants to help. Sam looks at him expectantly, but the kid just glumly says, "No thanks," and stares at his plate. Karen takes her plate to the kitchen, and Sam says he needs to make a phone call.
Judy returns from the kitchen, and tries to engage Jamie. He's been drawing on a sketch pad during dinner, and she says, "I like your picture. What's it of?" "Stupid stuff," he mutters. Scary stuff, more like. From what I can see, there's at least one guy with a flaming head. Judy smiles and points at the picture, asking, "Are these flames? What is that, some kind of saber?" "Do you have sex with my dad?" the kid asks. Judy's smile disappears pronto. Her mouth makes a perfect "o" as she tries to figure out how to answer that one. Jamie evaluates her and then looks back at his drawing, asking, "Are you, like, his girlfriend?" Oh, now that's an easy one. Judy answers, "We're friends, actually." The kid nods and says that's what Sam told him, too. "Listen," he says, "he doesn't know what he's doing. And I know he's seeing other people, too." Judy recoils and tries to smile, but can't quite make it. There's not much she can say, so she stands up and takes Jamie's plate away.
Over at Manning Manor, Grace emerges from the kitchen with a mug. She settles in the living room with the Curmudgeon, asking if he wants to call a tow truck. He mutters, "I'll have my assistant deal with it tomorrow." "You mean my mom?" Grace asks, smiling. He just looks at her and turns back to It's a Wonderful Life as Jimmy Stewart begs to be returned to his family. Grace asks Les why he isn't with his family. "I'm divorced." "We're divorced," Grace tells him. "I know," he replies. "Mom has a lot of guilt about it," Grace adds. "Should she?" the Curmudgeon asks. Grace thinks this one over for a second and says, "Well, I'm not sure I could have stayed married to my dad, either. But I miss having a family...especially on Christmas." She asks, "What about your daughter? The one who had the home birth?" He looks surprised. "Leslie? We haven't spoken in five years. I'd talk to her, but she's too big a bitch to pick up the phone." Grace has no idea what to say to that.
Upstairs, Tiffany is kneeling on the bed, whimpering. Lily wipes her forehead with a damp cloth while Tiffany explains the joyous sensations that are labor pains. She asks Lily if she should try to squat. Rick stammers that he thinks he did that a couple of times with Karen, and moves to help Tiffany to her feet. He stands behind her, and holds her under the arms, telling her to go ahead and put all her weight on him. Tiffany is wracked with another contraction and bellows, taking time in between groans to remind herself, "Make friends with the pain." I'd rather make friends with an epidural, but that's just me.
Meanwhile, the instant potatoes are still coming down hard, slowing the traffic to a standstill. Jake stares through the clear spot on his windshield, looking defeated. "So, why don't you want to marry her?" Tammy asks. Jake snaps, "Do we have to have this conversation now?" Tammy reasons they'll never see each other again, so why not? Jake takes a breath and lets her have it: basically, he proved that he was a pig way back when Lily was giving birth to one of their kids, when he went down to the cafeteria and started flirting with some doctor. In short, he's "a bad man," but a "good father." Tammy "a-ha"s knowingly, and sums it up: "You like being ambivalent so you can keep going on dates and then sweep in and be the dad when you want to be. And when a woman needs something, you have a perfect excuse built right in, which is that you're bad." She kicks ass. Jake insists that it isn't an excuse; he really is bad. "Nah. You're fourteen," Tammy says, unimpressed. Jake snaps, "Did I make this blizzard? Did I plan this baby?" Tammy considers it, then calmly answers, "Nope. You still gotta deal with them both, though, don't you?" Game, set, and match.
Rick wanders into the kitchen, where Lily is gathering supplies. Looking dazed, he mutters, "I've done this twice already. You'd think I'd be used to it." "You did it?" she mocks. She says she went through it twice before, and she still can't imagine how it happened. "Yeah, and I'm sure you'd love to go through it again," Rick says, rubbing the back of his neck. Lily freezes and says, "No. I guess not." Brrr. She marches off to the bedroom, as Rick trails, pleading, "Lil!" Seeing Grace, Lily pauses on the staircase to demand, "Where's your dad, anyway? Has anybody heard from him?" Grace says they haven't in a while. Lily orders Rick to go get a midwife. He points out that Jake already has one. Plus, where's he supposed to find one on a moment's notice in the middle of a blizzard? Midwives R Us? Lily doesn't like this whiff of mutiny, and storms, "Jake is a non-committal passive-aggressive bad driver. He's probably stuck in a ditch making out with the midwife!" Heh. Except that Tammy has way too much sense for that. Lily fires up the steps, muttering, "Who knows if he'll even be here? He barely showed up for me when I was married to him..." She trails off when she sees Tiffany standing at the top of the staircase. Tiffany asks if she can take a bath. Lily smiles weakly and says sure.
Over at Karen's, Jessie's control-freaking all over the gingerbread house. Jamie globs a line of icing down an eave, and she complains that she was "going to do a gumdrop trim there." Judy glances over from the kitchen. Jamie apologizes, and Jessie says it's okay. "I don't mean to be obsessive, it's just..." …that it's in your genes? Judy carries the dessert and plates out to the living room with Karen. Alone, she whispers, "What's up with Jamie?" Karen sighs that it's a long story. Judy stammers around what she really wants to ask, saying that "maybe it's because of the divorce," but the kid "just seems really --" "Really what?" Sam demands, standing in the doorway. Judy, to her credit, doesn't cringe away. Instead, she cringes through an explanation of her curiosity, saying that she "had this little moment" with the kid, and "it was a little difficult." "Yeah, well, they're all difficult," Sam says defensively. Karen leaves them to talk, and Sam explains that Jamie is a difficult kid. Judy protests that she thinks "he's a lovely kid." Sam says he's been in and out of special schools "and on a boatload of medications, none of which have worked, so...merry Christmas." Judy absorbs this information and says she's sorry. Sam says, "I just wanted you to know, this is who he is. This is my son." Judy says she thinks he's wonderful. Sam acts as though he didn't hear and continues, "In case you have a problem with that." Judy asks, "Why would that matter?" Sam doesn't answer, but instead gets up and walks away, leaving Judy looking troubled.
Jake spots a plow making its way through the snarled traffic, and without a word, bounds out of the car. He runs up and hops on the plow, pounding on the window. The driver neither ignores him nor brandishes a gun in self-defense. Instead, he rolls down the window and asks what the hell is going on. Jake explains the deal and pleads with the guy to take him to Lily's place. The driver's a sport and agrees.
Rick slowly leads Tiffany out of the bathroom toward the bed. She asks Lily why she put such a nice blanket on the bed. Lily pulls it off and asks Rick to put it in the closet. Tiffany crawls onto the bed and whines, "I just wish I was at my own house so I didn't have to worry." Lily slips a pillow under her head and coos, "Sweetie, you don't have to worry about anything. Everything we have is yours." Tiffany whimpers and moans, while Lily ministers to her, and Rick watches adoringly from the doorway. "Listen, I'm sorry about what I said about Jake," Lily says. Tiffany says it's okay; she agrees with her. Tiffany whimpers it's just that he's not there, and neither is anyone else she's related to, and she doesn't have any of her own stuff, and she feels like she can't even make any noise. She clenches against a contraction and tries to hold in her scream. Lily tells her that she should feel comfortable doing whatever she feels she needs to. "You have very definite ideas about how you want to do this, and I'm no expert." "Stop saying that! I don't need an expert!" Tiffany shouts. Lily looks shocked for a second, but then lays down with Tiffany, cradling her head and whispering that everything is going to be okay. And that's when the power goes out. "What's happening?" Tiffany asks. Rick surmises that the power lines must be down. Brilliant deduction, that.
During the break, they scrounge up about a thousand candles, which are blazing away everywhere. Rick's busily trying to boil some water in the fireplace, and he asks Grace to search out more candles and the kerosene lamp in the garage. "This is like Little House on the Prairie or something," she mutters. Tiffany swats away Zoe's hand as the kid tries smoothing back her hair, snapping, "Zoe stop it! I don't like that!" Her head should start spinning in three...two...one. Zoe apologizes and looks hurt. Rick gently sends her on an errand to take her mind off it. Tiffany sweats and clenches and grits and groans and basically does a good job of convincing me that childbirth isn't something I'm eager to do. Grace stands, transfixed, and asks Lily if Tiffany is okay. Lily assures her that everything is normal. Tiffany whimpers that she's going to be sick. Grace rushes to find her a vessel to puke into, putting it under her just in time. I make a mental note to double my birth control dosage in the morning.
Eli surveys the gingerbread house, groaning dangerously under the weight of all its confectionery adornments. "I wouldn't put any more on there if I were you," he warns Jamie. Jamie snaps that he knows what he's doing. Drying the dishes, Judy watches the exchange and then cocks her head. She creeps out into the hallway to better hear Sam on his cell phone. He says, "He hates my place....Yeah, I know that's not your problem. But will you talk to him?...Oh, come on, that's so unfair." Judy creeps back into the kitchen just in time to watch Jamie pressing one last gumdrop onto the gingerbread roof. He pushes too hard and crushes the whole thing in his hands. And then he runs away. Jessie stands in the doorway, surveying the damage and trying not to hyperventilate. Then she starts crying and rushes out of the room, despite Karen's efforts to calm her. Karen stares at the gingerbread heap, muttering, "All right, what can we do? May...maybe we could just sing?" She tries to raise some support, but Eli crushes the suggestion and her feelings, saying, "No one wants a sing-along, Mom. No one ever wanted a sing-along." Seeing her face, he apologizes, but Karen waves it away, saying, "No, I just had too many expectations, that's all." Sam wanders in, announcing that Jamie is going to stay with him tonight, and sounding like he's been sentenced to walk the green mile. He realizes the kid's not there, and goes off in search of him.
Sam wanders into the dim living room and follows the sound of tearing paper, saying, "Hey, hey, hey, hey, hey!" He rushes over to the tree, where Jamie is angrily tearing the gift wrap off a huge keyboard. Sam gently tries to restrain him and hold him in his lap. Karen and Judy look on. Sam says, "You can't just go into somebody's house and mess everything up, okay?" He tells the kid to look at him and says, "This is not your house; none of this stuff is yours." Jamie, insulted, says he knows that. The adults just sit there looking sad.
"Okay, I know you want to push, but just try to hold on," Lily coaches. Tiffany wails, "I know! 'Cause you had two perfect babies, and your perfect husband, because you're perfect!" Lily looks like she's been slapped. "I don't know where you heard that," she says, laughing at herself and remembering that she had twenty-two hours of labor with Grace, and she was "screaming for drugs," and with Zoe, she "was so wiped out [she] just gave up."
Time passes, and Tiffany starts relating that her mom always told a story, when she was drunk, about how she almost died having Tiffany, and Tiffany always thought she was just being horrible and mean. Lily leans in and whispers, "Hey, you're not gonna die. You're just having a baby." Tiffany laughs and immediately starts crying.
More time passes, and Tiffany's now pounding the bed and screaming that she wants to go to the hospital. "I can't do it," she whines. Lily points out that she is doing it, and "doing it beautifully." She tries to get Tiffany to focus on the fact that pretty soon she's going to have a baby. This doesn't exactly soothe Tiffany, who shrieks, "I'm not ready! I don't even like babies!" Lily takes a seat on the bed and gives her a pep talk, telling her, "From the first moment you look into this little baby's eyes, your heart is going to open in ways you never dreamed possible. Just hang on. It won't be much longer."
Downstairs, Zoe and Grace spring up at the sound of huge brakes squealing. Jake flies through the door and hugs each of them in turn. Tammy's right behind him, asking where Tiffany is. "Is that a snowplow?" Zoe asks, peeking out the foyer window.
Up in the bedroom, Tammy gets right down to business, declaring that there are too many people in the room. "You're gonna stay, right?" she asks Jake. "Are you kidding?" he asks. Out in the hallway, Lily slumps against Rick's shoulder. Tammy pokes her head out the door and says that Tiffany wants Lily to be there. Lily looks uncertainly at Rick. "Well? Get in there!" he urges.
The gang at Karen's is knee deep in the Monopoly, with the exception of Jamie, who's tucked in on the couch. Eli returns from the washroom or wherever he was and notices Jamie tossing around on the couch. "I think he's having a hard time," Judy whispers. Eli grabs his guitar and comes to the rescue, moving to sit to Jamie on the couch. He asks, "Want me to show you how to play a G-chord? " Jamie emerges from beneath the blanket, looking intrigued. Eli arranges his fingers on the strings and then hands Jamie a pick to strum with. At the sound, Eli launches into "O Come All Ye Faithful," and Jamie grins at his accomplishment. He starts singing along with Eli, who's now fully playing the guitar. Jessie joins in, and Karen proudly rubs her back. Sam wanders in from the kitchen and is amazed to see his kid actually interacting. The adults join in the song. At the end, they all squeal and clap delightedly. Karen clasps her hands together and looks fondly at Eli, thinking, "God bless us, every one!"
Jake props Tiffany's shoulders while she pushes, and Tammy urges her on. The momentum builds, and Tammy cries that she can see the baby crowning. Lily and Jake laugh and shout their encouragement while Tiffany screams bloody murder.
Downstairs, Zoe and Grace glance up at the sound and cross their legs tightly. "I am never having a baby," Grace declares. They return to their card playing, but only for a second, until they hear a baby crying. The two of them, along with the Curmudgeon, slowly stand and move toward the sound as though hypnotized.
Cut to a close-up of the newborn cradled in Tiffany's arms. "Another girl for Jake," Tiffany murmurs. "What is it, a conspiracy?" he smiles. "Yep," Zoe says. "That's right," Grace beams. The camera pans the other girls in his life, all of whom are grinning broadly. "Oh, you are the most beautiful little creature your daddy has ever seen," Jake coos. Zoe and Grace don't seem to mind. Tiffany strokes the baby's head, then turns to ask Lily if she'd like to hold her. Lily nods eagerly. She gasps when the baby is set in her arms, and says, "Look girls, isn't she beautiful?" Grace and Zoe crowd around to get a look. "I didn't realize they came out with fingernails," Zoe says. "Yours is going to come out with painted fingernails," Grace teases. "Yours is going to come out with a copy of War and Peace," Zoe counters. Lily glances over at Rick, who's staring at her with red-rimmed eyes. Her smile widens a bit, and she shakes her head.
Cut to the dim living room. Lily comes down the stairs, and follows the sound of the Curmudgeon's voice. He's on the phone, saying, "It's your dad. I know. Uh, it's just, that, uh, we hadn't spoken in a while, and I just thought I'd, uh, call up and say merry Christmas." Lily smiles to herself and jumps as the lights pop on.
Out on the stoop, Rick hears Grace inside calling, "The lights are on!" Lily comes outside and snuggles into his arms. "So?" he asks. "I know," she says. They look into each other's eyes for a second, and Rick murmurs, "No snip-snip?" He makes the scissors motion with his fingers. How tender. She smiles and says, "I guess not." They stare at one another again, and Rick takes a deep breath, sighing, "Oh boy." "Or girl," Lily smiles. "Oh, brother," Niki groans. "Here's another fine mess you've gotten me into," Rick murmurs affectionately. They kiss, and the camera pans back through the gently falling snow to reveal a lit "Peace" sign above the stoop. There won't be peace for long if they have that baby. What? It's true.
After the break, the actors who play Jake, Lily, Zoe, Judy, Jessie, and Eli are gathered in front of a flag and a Christmas tree. Sela says, "From all of us at Once and Again, we wish you a happy and healthy holiday season, and I hope you share it with people you love." "Awww," say Niki and Jeffrey Nordling. "Merry Christmas," says Meredith Deane. "Happy Hanukkah," says Evan Rachel Wood. "Happy Kwanzaa," says Shane West. "Happy New Year," says Marin Hinkle. Sela bids us a "happy winter solstice," and Jeffrey rounds it out by wishing us a "happy Wiccan mid-winter festival." And that just about covers it, I think. Cheers.