We open with Soliloquy Jake telling us about the women in his life: "I'm beset by them. I'm undone by them. I'm in awe of them. I'm in love with them." Referring to the bun in Tiffany's oven, he muses that maybe this time, he'll have a boy. He's distracted by the thud of a dribbling basketball, and glances over his shoulder, where a boy and a basketball hoop have materialized. Jake tosses the boy the ball, and the kid slams it through the hoop. "My man!" Jake beams, bucking bellies with the kid. Suddenly, he's back on the Stool, smiling fondly to himself. "It'd be nice," he says.
Cut to a dimly lit room where pregnant women are scattered around the floor. A woman paces among the bodies, softly encouraging the men to pay attention to their partners' needs. The camera pans over to Tiffany, who eagerly extends her leg and raises her foot. She looks at Jake expectantly. He grunts and obligingly crawls toward her foot, which he rubs and squeezes, the poor man. He stares off into the distance, no doubt wishing he was anywhere but here. He's snapped back to reality at the nudging of Tiffany's other foot. He smiles half-heartedly and starts kneading it.
Soliloquy Jake reminisces that when Grace was a baby, she would always whisper things in his ear, like she was telling him secrets.
Now, not so much. Jake and Grace are in his car, and he's trying to get her to talk to him. She stares resolutely out the window, turned almost fully away from him in her seat. He asks about the play, and she distractedly informs him that it's "okay." He asks how it can be "just okay" when she's "the star." Bored, she replies, "I don't know. It just is." He starts asking about the guy he saw Grace talking to, and that's it for Grace's patience. She snaps that she really wants to hear the song that's on the radio, so if he could just fuck off and die that'd be great.
Unlike most of us, Soliloquy Jake manages to see past the angst to the adorable little girl inside. He says that "daughters have a way of putting you under their spell." He offers whisker-scratching and shoe-tying as key ingredients of this magic.
And speaking of feet (for the last time, I hope), we cut to a TV screen featuring a flying foot-first kick and lots of kung-fu fighting. Jake and Zoe are nestled on his couch, munching popcorn. Zoe watches Jake, amused by the way he chews. She likens him to "a dog that doesn't chew before he swallows." She tries to stuff more popcorn in his mouth, but he seals his lips. Grace climbs onto the couch with them, and Zoe complains that Jake won't open his mouth. Grace suggests tickling under his arms, and proceeds with the torture. The girls launch a two-pronged attack, while Jake cries out for help.
Soliloquy Jake looks transfixed. "They are utterly and completely...bewitching," he sighs.
Cut to Booklovers, where the two little witches are helping Judy and Lily unload books. Well, Grace is, at least. She plunks a box to the armchair that's cradling Zoe, who is absorbed in Angus, Thongs and Full-Frontal Snogging: Confessions of Georgia Nicholson. Grace bitches, "Zoe, do you think you could help out at all?" Zoe says she's sorry, but the book is just "so funny." She asks Judy if she can have it. This girl has got mooching down to a science. Judy's distracted, though, by something over Zoe's shoulder: Jake chatting up some woman by the coffee bar. Lily glances over, too, and asks Judy who the woman is. Judy mutters that she's "the new coffee person." Soon to be "the new coffee person sleeping with Jake," if the look that passes between Lily and Judy is any indication. "Judy," Zoe nags, waving the book. Judy says she can have it. Lily asks whether Judy's going to have a grand opening, and Judy says probably not: grand openings remind her of supermarkets. She adds that it would be great if Lily could mention it on the air, though, "if [she] were so inclined." "Oh, yeah, that's a possibility," Lily says, sounding not at all inclined. That's not very nice.
Tiffany waddles in under the weight of her enormous belly. It looks like she has an exercise ball shoved under her shirt. Zoe rushes up and hugs her, asking how the baby is doing. Tiffany answers that he's fine, and Judy quickly asks, "It's a boy?" Tiffany explains that she's not scientifically certain of the baby's gender, but she's psychically certain. Zoe's excited to hear that she'll have a brother. Tiffany offers up her belly to Zoe, who promptly presses her ear against it and listens intently, like a safecracker. Zoe asks whether Tiffany's having a baby shower. "Not unless you have one for me," Tiffany says lightly. Zoe immediately offers, and Grace gives her a warning "Zoe." Tiffany gets it, and quickly tries to backpedal, saying she was just kidding. "But you have to have a baby shower. That's how you get presents," Zoe reasons. She adds, "Besides, I want to come." Lily listens and looks thoughtful as Tiffany promises that if she does have a shower, she'll be sure to invite Zoe. Lily asks whether any of Tiffany's friends are throwing a shower for her. Tiffany explains that one had planned to, but "she flaked" due to man troubles. Lily moves closer and offers to have a shower for her. "Something small," she adds quickly. Grace and Judy look stricken. "Not that small," Zoe declares. Tiffany says it's "very sweet," but assures Lily that she doesn't have to. "But we want to. Right, Judy?" Zoe says. Judy stammers her agreement.
Soliloquy Judy's feeling a little bitter about the whole thing. "I always give a receiving blanket," she says. "I buy them ten at a time." I feel you, Judy. Not because I want kids of my own, but because it seems like everyone I know took an oath to do the pregnancy thing in tandem.
Lily tells Tiffany to think about it and let them know. Tiffany gushes, "You're so nice to be so nice about it!" Lily's so nice, in fact, that Tiffany has to pee.
Soliloquy Judy also looks full of piss, but not quite in the same way.
Cut to Jake striding across the bookstore, clucking, "Vic! Vic, Vic, Vic, Vic, Vic." He arrives to some buzz-headed guy in a flannel shirt, and asks him to do something about "these transitions," pointing out that someone could trip over them. Vic agrees. Jake asks if they could do it before they open week. Vic gives Jake another "yep." Vic is a man of few words. Jake thanks him and strides back to the coffee bar as Tiffany emerges from the washroom. She calls out to him and asks whether he still has time to do "that hospital tour" with her that evening. Jake stops straightening a table to say that he can. He asks her to excuse him for a second, and starts striding across the store again. He nearly bumps into Judy, who points to the floor and says, "Somebody could trip over that." She asks whether he can fix it. Jake pastes a smile on his face, swallows hard, and patronizes, "Hey, that's a great idea!"
Soliloquy Jake stares hard into the camera. "Like I said, I am beset." At least you're not a gynecologist with Shelley Long for an assistant, and a daughter who's in love with her maid of honor. Things could be worse.
Judy thanks Jake and paces over to the table he was straightening. Tiffany's still standing there. Judy starts wrangling with the table -- undoing Jake's work, I guess -- and Tiffany offers her knowledge of feng shui if Judy'd like some help. Judy fakes a thank-you. Tiffany wobbles a little and says she needs to sit down, so Judy helps her into a chair. She asks whether she can get Tiffany anything, but Tiffany declines, saying she just feels "so large." Judy assures Tiffany that she's absolutely got that "glow thing" going on, which Tiffany is thrilled to hear. Judy starts setting cups around the table. Tiffany watches her closely, with a thoughtful "Huh." She says she just had a weird vision of Judy with a baby. Judy asks whose baby it was. "Your baby!" Tiffany chirps. Judy tries to act like her uterus isn't singing hallelujah. Absently, she rubs a hand over one of her ovaries. She tries to shrug it off, saying, "Well, I can't see how that would happen!"
Soliloquy Judy tries to play it off, too. Except that when she looks down, her belly is definitely full of baby.
Tiffany tells Judy that it's just what she saw, and lumbers up out of the chair, saying that she needs to take a nap before the hospital tour. Judy watches her go, rattled.
After commercials, we join Zoe, Grace, and Lily in the kitchen of Manning Manor. Lily's writing out a list while Zoe tells them about a ritual that was part of a baby shower one of her friend's moms threw. Grace asks her what it was. Zoe says it was something to do with candles and chanting and "women being goddesses." Grace looks like someone just pinched her ass. "I'm not going to this," she declares. Lily says she has to. Grace complains that she "doesn't get the whole baby-culture thing." Lily and Zoe don't know what she's talking about. Grace wrinkles her nose and gripes, "It just seems like everywhere you go, there are people with strollers." "So?" Lily asks mildly. Grace says, "So, I don't get it." Lily assures her that she will someday. "I might not," Grace sniffs before heading out of the kitchen. What a tragic loss of sunny DNA that would be.
Meanwhile, Jake and Tiffany are strolling through the hospital parking lot on their way to his car. Tiffany says that she found it "too sterile." Jake points out that it is a hospital. Tiffany says she thinks she'd rather have the baby at home, and that they should look into a midwife. Jake chuckles uncomfortably and says, "You know, insurance won't pay for that." Tiffany says she knows, but that she's just not comfortable in the hospital. To change the subject, she says, "Did I tell you that Zoe wants to have a baby shower for me?" Jake stops walking for a second and says that he would have remembered that if she'd mentioned it. "Isn't it sweet?" Tiffany asks. Jake perfunctorily agrees and quickly asks, "How did this happen?" They reach the car, and Tiffany says, "It was Zoe's idea. And Lily's, too, I guess." She watches Jake's expression for a second and tilts her head, adding, "You don't have to be involved, if that's what you're worried about." Jake says that's not what he's concerned about; he's worried that Grace and Zoe will get the wrong idea about him and Tiffany. Tiffany absorbs this for a second and counters that, regardless of their relationship, the baby is still "Zoe's sibling, and she's going to have expectations about that." Jake forces himself to take a deep breath and tries to put it into small words: "Kids see things more intensely. You let them throw you a baby shower, they're going to think we're getting married." He suggests that Tiffany get one of her girlfriends to throw her a shower if she wants one. Tiffany chews her lip for a second. "Fine, I'll tell them no," she says softly, opening the door. Jake stammers that his kids could go to another shower -- he's "not against it" -- but he thinks it's better this way. Tiffany turns and backs herself into the car without a word. Jake sighs.
The phone rings over at Manning Manor. Zoe races to answer it, and when she hears that it's Tiffany, Zoe excitedly tells her about a game she thought of for the shower. It involves eating baby food. Shower games should be outlawed as cruel and unusual punishment. Tiffany humors her for a second and then asks to speak with Lily. Zoe holds the phone against her shoulder and bellows upstairs for Lily.
Cut to Lily picking up the phone in the living room. Tiffany says she's really sorry, but she doesn't think she can do the baby shower. Lily asks why not. Tiffany stammers that she might be going out of town. Lily asks where she's going, and Tiffany explains that she's going home, to Madison. "For how long?" Lily asks, looking concerned. Tiffany sadly says that she's not sure. She adds that she might have the baby there, and who knows? She might just stay. Lily knows that Jake is somehow the cause of all this, and coos, "Oh, Tiffany." Tiffany tries to maintain, so she cuts Lily off by saying that it really meant a lot that Lily offered to have the shower for her. She's choking up, so she quickly adds, "Thank Zoe for me" before abruptly hanging up. "Tiffany!" Lily says, but all she gets is the dial tone. She stares off anxiously, and then glances sideways. Zoe's just come out of the kitchen, still clutching the phone. Looking like she's about to cry, she stares at Lily for a second and then races up the stairs to her room. Thankfully, we head to commercials without having to see any tears.
When we return, Tiffany walks into her apartment to find Jake assembling a stroller. Jake looks up and asks where the crib is, saying he can get to it once he's finished with the stroller. Tiffany slowly says she doesn't think that it's a good idea. Jake assures her that it's no trouble. She tells him that she might be going home to have the baby. Jake looks stunned, and then says that he doesn't think she should do that. Tiffany doesn't see why not -- that way, he'd be off the hook. Jake says that if Tiffany's doing it "because [she] thinks it's the right thing, then that's fine. But if [she's] doing it because of [him], then [he] think[s] it's a bad idea." Tiffany says she's confused, not just by this, but by the very fact that he's there, in her apartment, helping with the baby's stuff. Jake tells her that he'll be there for the baby. "But what does it mean in terms of..." she asks, but can't bring herself to actually finish the question. "In terms of what?" Jake asks. Tiffany concludes, "In terms of sometimes you come over here and we sleep together." I think it means, you're there, and you're already pregnant, so why not? Jake isn't prepared for the question. He looks away, searching for the magic words that'll get him the hell out of there. "Jake, can you hear me?" Tiffany asks.
We cut to Soliloquy Jake getting hounded by Soliloquy Tiffany. She just keeps repeating the same question, over and over again, while Jake stares at her like she's speaking Swahili.
Back in the apartment, Jake lets out a deep breath and admits, "I don't know, exactly." Tiffany's voice has a little edge: "Well, can you see how I'm confused?" Jake's saved by the bell: his cell phone rings, and he grabs for it, muttering that it's probably Judy. "Well, then you should probably go," Tiffany says. There's no mistaking the edge this time. Jake looks a little guilty as he grabs his coat and says he'll be back. Tiffany stops him at the door by saying, "Look, Jake. If you mean it, I won't leave. 'Cause I'd rather stay." Jake says, "Then I think you should. Stay." Realizing this may sound a little too encouraging, he adds, "I mean, it's your decision." With that, he leaves. Tiffany cocks her head and realizes she knows even less about their relationship now than she did ten minutes ago.
Cut to a TV screen showing a pregnant woman doing yoga. Tiffany imitates the moves. There's a knock at the door, and Tiffany's pleasantly surprised to find that it's Lily. Lily holds up a big shopping bag and says she brought her something. She glances around the one-room apartment, and asks, "Is that a loom?" Tiffany confirms it. There's really nothing one can say to that, so Lily reaches into the bag and says, "I couldn't let you go to Wisconsin without a baby snowsuit." She pulls out a little yellow suit with chicks on it. Tiffany is thrilled. She offers Lily some "sage tea," saying she was just about to have some. As an added enticement, she says, "It strengthens the uterus." Lily's a good sport and accepts anyway. She shrugs off her jacket and asks when Tiffany's leaving. Tiffany admits that she's not sure what she's doing anymore. "So you might be staying?" Lily asks. Tiffany says she thinks so, but she's so indecisive these days. Lily waits a second before asking, "What does Jake think?" Tiffany says she's "not even sure. One minute he's sweet and generous, and the he's, like, checked out. Does that make any sense?" "Gee, I wouldn't know," Lily says, dryly. Tiffany remembers that, oh yeah, she was sleeping with Jake when he was still Lily's husband, and laughs at the stupidity of her question. She turns serious, saying that she wants Jake to be involved; she wants the baby to know him. "And the baby should know Grace and Zoe, too," Lily says. She reaches her hand across the table, saying, "Tiffany, if you decide to say, I want you to know that if you ever need anything, we're here. You have a family. The baby has a family." Tiffany chokes up right along with me. Lily gives her a second, using the time to polish her halo. I mean that in a good way. How many people would be this nice to the woman who was their husband's mistress? For me, there'd never be enough bridge to cover that water. Tiffany gets up with surprisingly little difficulty and envelops Lily in a big hug. "So you'll let us give you a shower?" Lily asks. Tiffany agrees.
Cut to Booklovers, where Jake and Judy are working in the office. Judy's just hanging up the phone, having taken the third reservation for a singles' party. "And we're not even open yet!" she exclaims. Jake mutters an unenthusiastic "Great." Rick and Sam wander into the store, calling out, "Hey! Where do you want this thing?" They're hauling in a huge wooden sign that says, "Booklovers." Judy turns away from the sight of Sam and fights to catch her breath. Jake pops up and rushes out to show them where to prop the sign. "Wow. You guys made this?" Jake asks, surveying it appreciatively. Sam says that he did, "and it actually took a very long time." Rick says, "His partner did all the real work." Judy finally musters the nerve to come out of the office, and gasps at the sign. Sam stares hard at her pleased smile, and she glances up from the sign to thank him. They stare at one another a moment too long, and Judy's smile grows awkward. Sam turns to Rick for escape, asking, "Don't we need to get back to the Dreiser?" Rick tells Sam to give him a minute, and Sam says he'll give him two. What a cut-up. Judy can't take the tension, and makes an excuse to hide out in the office again, leaving Jake and Sam alone. Jake asks how it's going at the Dreiser. Sam says it's good, but they've "got to shamelessly sell themselves to some more investors, now." Jake absorbs this for a second, as if a spark of an idea is forming. But then he remembers he has nothing to invest, and quickly extinguishes the spark with a sigh. "So, you were married to Lily?" Sam asks. Jake confirms it. "Huh," Sam mutters. "Oh, you said it," Jake says. They share a naughty look, and Jake asks whether Sam is married. "Separated," Sam says. Jake asks if he has any kids, and Sam says one, a boy who's eleven. "I'm having another one," Jake says, as if he's still getting used to the idea. "Imminently," he adds. "Permanently," he chokes. Think he's still having trouble with the idea? "Why don't you just get yourself a dog?" Sam smart-asses. Gee, why didn't Jake think of that? Jake cracks up. Rick returns and tells Sam that they should go. "Oh, all right. Let me straighten your tie," Sam says, reaching affectionately for Rick's neckwear. Rick slaps his hand away and the two move on to yuk it up someplace else.
Once they leave, Judy emerges from hiding, clutching a clipboard and striding purposefully toward Jake. She says she wants to talk to him. He swallows whatever impulse he has and meekly says, "Yes, Judy." She says it's about some chick he hired who "doesn't seem super-swift." Jake assures her that the woman has "a lot of experience and great references." "References." I've never heard them called that before.
Soliloquy Jake looks up at us over his shoulder. "She does. I swear." He's selling it a little too desperately.
Jake tells Judy that he'd like to give the girl a chance. Judy says she has to be comfortable with the people who are working for her. Jake points out that he's been hiring staff for a long time: "I think I know how to hire the right people." Their power struggle is interrupted by a woman calling out, "Hello?" Judy glances over Jake's shoulder and sees a reporter and photographer standing there. The reporter introduces herself, reminding Judy that she's from "The Trib." Judy shakes her hand and says she completely forgot the woman was coming. The reporter asks whether Judy has time for a quick interview and a few pictures. Judy glances at Jake excitedly and says, "Oh, absolutely! I need all the publicity we [sic] can get!" She leads them back toward the office, while Jake watches, smiling to keep himself from screaming.
"Jake, do you hear what I'm saying?" Soliloquy Judy pesters. Soliloquy Jake glances over his shoulder at her, and suddenly Tiffany's on the scene, too, berating him, "Jake, are you listening to me?" Jake looks out at us helplessly.
Cut to Zoe flopped on Grace's bed, flipping through old baby pictures. She holds one out to Grace, asking which of them it is. She then asks whether Grace wants Tiffany's baby to be a boy or a girl. Grace stops brushing her hair and sits to Zoe on the bed. "I think a boy would be better," she says. Zoe agrees: "Me too. Then Dad would have someone to play baseball with." Grace resumes brushing her hair, saying, "I don't know how much time Dad'll want to spend with Tiffany's baby." "What do you mean? It's his baby, too," Zoe says. Grace says that Jake clearly doesn't want to marry Tiffany, and Zoe looks disappointed, as if she'd never considered that possibility before. Grace senses her drooping spirits and stretches out to her, saying brightly, "But you're probably right. He'd be thrilled to have a boy." She thinks for a minute, then adds, "Hey, you know what would make a great decoration for the baby shower? All our old baby pictures." Zoe loves the idea. Grace picks up one of the pictures, teasing Zoe about her huge ears, as the camera backs out of the room.
Meanwhile, down in the kitchen, Rick's slamming back his coffee and heading for the door. "Hey!" Lily protests, halting his departure. He forgot to kiss her. They kiss. Jake knocks on the back door and cautiously opens it. Rick greets him and says the girls are upstairs. "Have a great day," Lily tells him, and Rick waves his hand like a kid, escaping out the back door. Jake uncomfortably asks whether Lily would like him to start waiting in the car. He says he can just honk for the girls. Lily rinses out her mug and calmly tells him to do whatever makes him comfortable. She changes the subject, saying she doesn't know whether Tiffany mentioned it, but that they're having a shower for her. She adds that it's okay if he'd like to come. Jake stammers that Tiffany did mention it, and says that he didn't think it was happening. Lily asks why it wouldn't be. "I just don't think it's a very good idea for Grace and Zoe," Jake says. Lily, unfazed, counters that the baby is going to be "their brother or sister." Jake says, "I just wish you would have [sic] checked with me first." Lily says she doesn't understand why he's so upset about a baby shower. "And I don't understand why you have to be so involved with Tiffany!" snaps Jake. Lily says she just wants to do something nice for Tiffany. "Well, that is so nice, and...and...saintly of you," Jake sneers. Lily asks what he wants her to do -- call it off? Jake says that's exactly what he wants. She thinks he's being ridiculous. "And you just can't seem to stay out of my business, can you?" he snaps.
"Jake, are you confused by the words coming out of my mouth?" Soliloquy Lily snarks. Soliloquy Jake spins to look at her. Soliloquy Tiffany and Judy throw their voices into the fray, bombarding Jake with repeated demands that he listen to them.
Grace and Zoe enter the kitchen. Zoe asks Jake, "Are you coming to the shower? The father has to be there when you perform the Earth Mother Guardian Circle." The plucky guitars make their appearance. It's funny that Jake is on the verge of a breakdown, I guess. "And we want to get a cake from Patchico's," Grace adds. Jake looks dazed. Zoe piles on another request, saying they need help with the food. Jake's brain is reeling. "Please?" Zoe needles.
Now Soliloquy Jake is surrounded by all of the ladies, agitatedly yammering gibberish at him. It's like they speak another language and he can't understand them, see? It reminds me of one of those annoying exercises they make you do in theater arts class. To everyone's credit, they pull it off. The unruly mob slowly forces Jake into the camera. Even though his face is mashed wetly against the lens, they're unrelenting.
Back in the kitchen, Jake fights the urge to bash his head in with the closest available frying pan, and wearily agrees to all the girls' demands. We've got a few minutes to thank god we're not Jake, as we head to commercials.
Jake's out behind the bookstore when we get back, bitching at the produce guy over substandard tomatoes. He's interrupted by his cell phone before he can really warm up. It's Lily. Before she can say anything, Jake tells her that the food for the shower is under control. Lily's happy to hear it, but she's actually calling to see whether Jake will take Zoe to get a shower gift that evening. Jake's already got Lamaze class that night, so Lily asks whether he can do it first thing in the morning, since he has to pick up the cake anyway. Lily has an interesting concept of what it means to throw a party, doesn't she? "Yessir, ma'am!" Jake snides into the phone. He clicks it off before Lily can get out her thanks. Judy wanders outside and asks why they're getting a produce shipment when they don't open for another week. By way of explanation, Jake says, "Yeah, I agreed to do the food for the baby shower." Ms. Judy Business wants to know who's going to pay for it. "I guess I am," Jake answers. Feeling like a Scrooge, Judy says they'll work something out. Jake heads inside to take care of yet another thing just as Tiffany weebles outside. "Don't forget!" she chirps at him. He mutters, "I know, I know, Lamaze class."
Tiffany asks Judy whether something is wrong -- she can sense some tension between Judy and Jake. Judy mumbles that she has an appointment, and climbs into her car, muttering that the tension will work itself out. Tiffany stands to the car, scarfing cheese curds and blabbering, "I think there's a really strong karmic ribbon between you two. Like, you were in a past life together." Judy looks nonplussed. "You do?" she asks flatly. Tiffany bubbles, "The more pregnant I get, the more clearly I can see all these connections." Judy takes a deep breath and breaks it to the loony girl: "You know, Tiffany, not everything has a cosmic significance. Sometimes people just don't get along." Tiffany pops another curd as she considers this. Then she dismisses it: "I don't see how that can be true." Of course she doesn't.
Cut to Judy in a paper gown, perched on an examining table. A female gynecologist consults her charts and asks whether Judy has had any trouble with her birth-control pills. She then asks whether Judy needs a refill. Judy hesitates, then says, "Yeah, I guess so." Dr. Pap gets ready to leave, asking Judy whether there's anything else. Judy says no, then musters the courage to stop the doctor at the door to stammer a question about maybe wanting to have a baby someday. She wants to know how much time she has left, and whether she should start thinking about the old turkey baster. Doctor Pap breaks the news that most women's egg quality starts to go downhill as they approach forty, but that doesn't mean Judy's beyond fertility yet. She says they could screen Judy to see how her eggs are doing.
Cut to Soliloquy Judy, flat on her back and locked in the stirrups. "How's it going?" she asks. Doc Pap pops up from between her knees and brusquely says, "Still looking. Give me a minute." She slides a huge light out of the way and pulls in a monster light to replace it. She would have been wearing one of those miner hats instead.
"Oh, okay," Judy says weakly. "Let me think about that." Doctor Pap leaves, revealing a disturbing poster on the back of the door. It shows a baby heading through a birth canal during various stages of labor. Judy forces some air into her lungs while I try desperately to uncross my legs. I think they're stuck.
Meanwhile, Jake's strolling through a baby-gift emporium with Zoe. She beelines for a tiny, sterling brush-and-comb set. "Look at this! This is exquisite!" she breathes, holding it out to Jake. He agrees and glances at the price. He yelps as if he's been burned, and says it's a little expensive. He carefully replaces it on the shelf. Jake manages to tear Zoe away from the shelf as a saleswoman approaches. Jake says they're looking for a gift for a baby shower, and the woman asks whether they know the baby's sex. Zoe's about to explain about psychic Tiffany's cosmic gender vibrations, but Jake quickly says that they don't. Zoe looks miffed. The woman offers to pull some things to show them and says she'll be right back. Zoe wanders over to a shelf of quilts and pulls down a blue-and-white one. Jake checks the tag and laughs uncomfortably, saying, "Zoe, you have an uncanny ability to pick the most expensive things in the store." Zoe insists that it's perfect. Jake gently insists that it's too much money, and adds, "Now, we can get her something very nice that I can afford." "Like what?" Zoe pouts. Jake spots a mobile and points it out, but it's not what Zoe wants. He suggests the shoes that she saw on their way into the store. Zoe's set on an expensive gift, even if she has to buy it herself. She informs him, "I have money at home and I can get some from Grace." Jake tries to talk her out of it. "But I want it to be something special," Zoe protests, adding, "Don't you want the baby to have nice things?" Ouch. Jake tries to explain, "It's just a token. It doesn't have to be an enormous gift." Zoe wrinkles her nose in disgust, asking, "What do you mean? It's your baby." Ouch again. She flops down on a bench and mopes into her lap. Jake settles beside her and gently says, "Honey, it's not like it was with you and Grace." She wants to know why not. Before Jake can explain it, the saleswoman returns with an armload of stuff. She starts showing them some tiny outfits, and Jake tries to play them up. "Aren't these cute Zoe?" She won't even look. "I don't want those," she pouts. Jake pleads with her to be reasonable. Zoe quietly says that she doesn't want anything and stands up to leave, adding that she wants to go home. Jake says that she has to get something. Arms folded, Zoe grits, "No I don't. It's your baby. I'm leaving," and storms out. An embarrassed Jake apologizes to the saleswoman and rushes after Zoe.
Cut to Lily blowing up a pink balloon. Is this her contribution to throwing the shower? She's with Judy, who's tying off a blue balloon. "So, I'm thinking of in-vitro fertilization," Judy says casually. Pppphhhhttttt. The balloon flies out of Lily's mouth. Lily doesn't see why; Judy's still got time. Judy points out that she may not meet somebody in time, and that she really wants to have children. Lily makes some squiggly hand gestures and asks, "Well, wouldn't you need somebody's...?" "Seed? Yes, I would need to find a donor," Judy says. Lily tries to get her head around the idea: "Judy, you would have a baby by yourself?" Judy says she doesn't know. Lily stammers, "Well, I think that is..." "What? Stupid? Tragic? Brave?" "One of those," Lily says. They stop when they hear Tiffany coming in the front door, talking to Grace.
Cut to the living room; Grace is leading Tiffany to a chair. Tiffany is amazed by all the decorations. An uptight Grace offers to get Tiffany a drink, but before she can get away from Tiffany, the baby starts kicking. Tiffany calls her over to feel it. Grace approaches hesitantly and lets her hand hover over Tiffany's mammoth belly for a second. She works up the nerve to touch it, and gasps, "Oh, that is so wild!" Tiffany tells Grace that her half-sister, Brandi, is coming to the shower, and that she thinks Grace will really like her. "She used to be a roadie for Aerosmith," Tiffany says, trying to build the excitement. Grace doesn't care. Her hand's still attached to the belly, and she asks, "So you really think it's a boy?" Tiffany whispers that she does. "So do I," Grace says with a conspiratorial smile. They giggle. Grace offers to go get Tiffany's drink, and Tiffany lets her head fall back against the chair, savoring the moment.
Cut to the kitchen of ingrates, where Zoe and Jake are coming through the back door. Zoe's steaming through with the cake in her arms and a frown on her face. Grace groans about one of the food trays Jake's carrying, mistaking something on it for anchovies. Lily chirps, "Did you get a present?" Zoe sourly states, "No, because Daddy wouldn't spend any money." Jake exclaims at this. Lily points out that the shower is in a matter of minutes. Jake tries to explain that it was Zoe who refused to get a present. Zoe cries, "No, I didn't!" "That was supposed to be from the both of us. Now what am I supposed to do?" Grace demands. Judy says she can add their names to her gift. "I don't believe this!" Lily whines. "I asked you to do one thing!" Jake has finally reached the breaking point. "Are you kidding? You asked me to do ten things, and pay for all of it!" Lily rolls her eyes.
Soliloquy Jake shouts, "And for something that I don't even agree with!" He's still surrounded by all the ladies, who are yelling back at him. How has his head not exploded yet?
Back in the kitchen, Zoe stares at him with undisguised disgust. Jake passes off the food trays and snaps, "What else do you want me to do? Here I am! You want me to vacuum? You want me to serve drinks? Huh? Tell me! You want me to demonstrate the breast pump for the ladies? Because, hey, I know how to do that!" I'll bet. Grace interjects a weak "Daddy!" Jake's on a roll, though, and nothing's going to stop him: "What I don't know, Lily, what I have no freakin' idea about, is what you all want from me!"
Soliloquy Jake turns on the women as he screams this, confronting them for the first time. They just keep yelling.
"Okay?" Jake barks at Lily. Tiffany appears in the doorway and softly says, "Hey, Jake." He snaps, "Yes. What?" She asks whether he's staying for the shower. "No! No I am not staying for the shower!" he barks. Then he turns on his heel and slams out the back door. Tiffany hangs her head and mumbles a hurt "Fine," before heading back to the living room. Everyone else looks glumly around the kitchen.
After the break, Jake heads to the bookstore for some quiet. He finds Rick and Sam installing the big Booklovers sign over one of the shelves. He asks whether they need a hand, and picks up a basketball lying on one of the tables. They've just finished, though. Rick asks what Jake thinks of it. Jake thinks it looks pretty good. He asks whether they're "going to shoot some hoop" and tosses Sam the ball. Sam complains that they would if he could get Rick to stop working for one minute. Rick says, "Well, they've got that baby shower going on at the house..." "So you're hiding out," Jake says knowingly. "Pretty much," Rick admits. "They're probably doing something with doilies right about now," Sam says. "Expressing their feelings," Rick adds. Oh, the horror. "They only need us for sperm anyhow," Sam complains, as if he has a problem with that. (And, oh how prophetic that statement may prove to be, hmm?) Jake agrees. Sam tosses the ball to Jake and invites him to play with them. Rick adds, "Come on, we'll sprain something. It'll be fun." Jake manages to turn down the opportunity to injure himself. He tosses the ball back to Sam and heads for the office while Sam and Rick return to their old-married-couple routine.
Meanwhile, over at the shower, Brandi and Tiffany are at the food table. Brandi immediately reveals herself to be a class act by commenting on the size of Tiffany's breasts, declaring them to be "real milkers." Grace wanders up to the trough, and Tiffany introduces them. Brandi brings Grace up to speed on the boobie talk. "Oh, cool," Grace mutters, utterly mortified. Tiffany laughs and tells Grace she's really funny. Grace slowly steps away from the crazy pregnant lady, and finds Brandi admiring a family photo. Brandi asks, "Who is this guy?" Grace says it's her stepfather. "He's a hottie!" Brandi declares. Grace answers, "That is not a conversation that I can have." Brandi obligingly changes the subject by asking, "Okay, who's this guy?" Grace rolls her eyes and gets the hell away from stupid Brandi. Undeterred, Brandi carries the photo over to Tiffany.
Cut to the darkening bookstore, where Lily's cautiously making her way to the office. Jake's looking over something on a clipboard when she finds him. They make a little small talk, and Jake asks, "Shouldn't you be at the shower?" Lily hops up on the desk and says, "Yeah." After a second, she says, "Jake, I need to say something." "I'm sure you do," he groans. He takes a seat across from her, preparing for the siege. Lily says she thinks she's been insensitive, and she wants to apologize. She says he's "not a bad person" even though she "tend[s] to treat [him] like one." Jake sadly thanks her for saying it, but adds, "I just blew up in front of my girls, and I can only imagine what they think of that." Lily gives him a sympathetic smile, and says, "Jake, they love you. You must know that." Jake doesn't seem to think it makes a difference, and says he wonders sometimes whether "everybody wouldn't be better off if [he] just went away somewhere." Lily's not going to let him wallow for long. "Why, because everyone wants something from you?" she demands. "Jake, do you realize how they see you?" He laughs wryly and says, "As a screw-up?" "No. They see you as this powerful figure in their lives, who knows things, and can do things and can give them protection and love and fun." Jake finally looks up at her. "Why do you think my father loved you so much?" she asks softly. She answers her own question: "Because he knew you would take care of us no matter what. He knew you were that kind of person." Jake looks her in the eye, and sighs. "You didn't think I was that kind of person." Lily smiles and assures him that, even though their marriage had a lot of problems, "none of them had to do with who [he was] as a father." She hops off the desk and says she should get back. They give one another's hand a squeeze before she goes.
Cut to the food table at Manning Manor, where Tiffany's back for seconds. She tells Judy that she can't seem to stop eating, so Judy piles her plate high with food. Tiffany says, "This is a great party. I'm having the best time." Judy smiles at her. She grows thoughtful for a second and then asks shyly, "Can I ask you something? What's it like to know you have this life inside you?" Tiffany tries to explain, "Sometimes it feels like indigestion. And other times, when I'm so aware that there's this person inside me who will have an opinion and a hairstyle and a certain laugh, it's just so amazing to me that this is even possible." She laughs self-consciously and says she's not very good at explaining things. Judy looks all lit up inside and assures Tiffany that she explained it perfectly.
A little later, Tiffany opens her gifts. She's a wonderful opener, gushing over everything she gets. She opens Brandi's present, which is a crystal that has "soothing powers" for labor. Tiffany is blown away. We cut to the foyer to see Jake peeking in the front door, as a few ladies tell Tiffany that she can use the crystal to figure out the baby's sex. Grace glances up and spots Jake creeping in. He waves her to the foyer and hands her a gift bag. She beams at him as he kisses her cheek and gives her a sly wink. In the living room, the crystal swings in a circle over Tiffany's belly, and she cries, "It's a boy!"
Soliloquy Jake listens intently, realizing something's not right. Things are too quiet. He glances around, and sees that he's all alone.
Grace hands Tiffany the bag, as Zoe shoots her a questioning look. Tiffany pulls out the silver comb-and-brush set, and almost cries, saying it's "the most precious thing" she's ever seen. She thanks them, and Zoe gives her a confused "You're welcome." She sneaks over to Grace and asks what happened. Grace nods toward the doorway, where Jake's tiptoeing out. Zoe runs past him and rushes up the stairs to her room, looking like she's going to cry. Jake forgets to be quiet and shuts the door, yelling, "Zoe!" He gets everyone's attention, and they applaud for "the daddy." He pauses in the living room doorway, smiling self-consciously. Brandi, draped across the back of Tiffany's chair, introduces herself. I bet she's in the adult entertainment industry. Jake says, "Oh, yeah, hi. How you doing?" "Hi," Brandi purrs, letting her eyes slink up and down his body. She's gross. Grace asks whether Jake wants some cake, but he declines. He's more interested in looking at the collage the girls made with their baby pictures. Lily watches him. When he looks up, he catches her looking, and she mouths, "Thank you." He smiles. He looks over the pictures again, most of which feature him holding Grace and Zoe as infants. He lowers the collage, finally realizing that all of that is about to begin again for him. He looks pretty okay with it.
Upstairs, Zoe's sitting on her bed crying. "Okay if I come in?" Jake asks. He asks whether she wants some cake. She sniffles that her stomach hurts a little. He offers to get her some ginger ale. She declines. He asks whether she wants him to leave her alone. After a second, she finally looks at him and asks, "Are you going to marry Tiffany?" Jake considers it for a moment and decides that honesty is the best approach. He tells her he probably isn't. "Why not?" Zoe asks. Jake says he doesn't think they're ready to live together. "What about the baby? Is it going to live with you sometimes like we do?" Zoe asks. Jake says they haven't figured it out yet. Zoe asks whether he wants the baby to live with him. Jake sighs and says he thinks it's best for the baby to live with Tiffany while he's still small. Zoe starts crying again, and Jake rubs his face. He tries to explain, "Zoe, being your dad and being Grace's dad has been the most important thing in my life. And frankly, it's the only thing that's given me any sense of accomplishment or meaning. Now, I could never know that there was a child out there who was mine, that I didn't take care of and love. Do you understand that?" "Maybe," Zoe sniffs. Zoe thanks him for getting the present. He pulls her close and kisses the top of her head, saying, "You were right about it. It really is special. I'm glad we got it."
Fade back to the shower, a little later. Zoe's collected herself and is now instructing the women on how to perform the Earth Mother Guardian ritual. The ladies stand in a circle, and Zoe explains that they all have to tie yarn around their wrists, passing the ball of it around the circle until they're all tied together. We follow the ball of string around the circle until it comes to the end. Zoe looks up and tells Jake to join the circle; he has to be part of it for it to work. "Yeah, if I have to do this, you do, too," Grace chimes. Jake gives in and steps between Grace and Zoe. He smiles around the circle as his wrist gets tied. Once the circle is complete, Zoe explains that they separate from one another by burning the string with a candle. They have to leave the string tied around their wrists until after the baby is born, to protect it. "After the umbilical cord is cut, right?" Lily asks. "That's beautiful," Tiffany grins. She smiles at Jake, who looks at her with something approaching appreciation. He glances around at the rest of his women while Louis Armstrong sings, "I've got the world on a string/ Sitting on a rainbow/ Got that string around my finger/ What a world! What a life! I'm in love!"
Soliloquy Jake pulls Zoe onto his lap, and puts his arm around Grace.
The candle makes its way around the circle.
Soliloquy Judy joins Jake and the girls, smiling warmly at Jake.
The candle keeps going around the circle.
Soliloquy Lily puts her hand on Jake's arm, smiling supportively. Soliloquy Tiffany wanders in, kisses Jake's cheek, and takes her position behind him. Jake smiles contentedly, surrounded by his women.
The candle burns through the last string in the circle.
Soliloquy Jake holds a baby in his arms, looking at it adoringly. He looks up at the camera, his face peaceful, as Louis takes us home.