First off, big big props to Wing Chun, who wrote an amazing recap of "Scribbling Rivalry" way back when it aired the first time, when ABC preempted it in the States for some kind of election crap. Now that all our American friends saw it last week, I'm sure they'll agree that Wing's recap kicked ass. And I'm not just saying that because she scares me. ["Really? 'Cause you better be." -- Wing Chun]
I'd also like to apologize for taking a little longer than usual with the recap. It's been a hellish week, for reasons I don't want to get into. ["Word." -- Wing Chun] Thanks to those of you who've been patient. Those of you who haven't -- and you know who you are -- can get bent.
Judy's sitting on the Soliloquy Stool as the show opens, saying that she spends a lot of time alone. We get a bird's-eye view of her working in the empty bookstore. She voice-overs that she's always judged people who can't be alone, "like [her] sister." She felt that Lily wasn't as "brave" as her, or as "evolved." Back to Judy on the Stool, arms crossed protectively across her chest as she averts her eyes and wills the tears to stay put. She admits that now she's not so sure "alone is such a great thing." The older you get, the harder it is to fit people into your life. "It seems like they just...well, they just don't fit," she adds with a remorseful little chuckle.
At the bookstore, Judy's finishing up with a shipment of books when Lily comes in, laden with Greek take-out and a couple of sodas. She heads for the coffee bar and something catches her eye. "That's my teapot!" she whines, referring to a pot on the counter that's filled with fresh flowers. Judy claims that Lily gave it to her. Lily adamantly denies it and then asks, disbelievingly, "You put flowers in my teapot?" She insists that she wouldn't give Judy "something that nice." For whatever reason, I'm feeling generous, so I'll give Lily the benefit of the doubt and assume that was simply a sibling jibe and not a reflection of Lily's character. She helps Judy cart some flattened shipping boxes out back, and comments on how nice the new patio is. She brings up "the guy" who did the work. "Will...Tuck?" Lily struggles. "Gluck," Judy says with deliberate calm. "Whatever happened to him?" Lily wonders. "He has his own talk show," Judy deadpans. Lily then states the obvious: "He's cute." It's one of those rare moments when I vigorously agree with Lily. Judy acts shocked, and Lily says she's not going to ask him out or anything. But...she does have a lot of work that needs to be done around the house. You know, I think I could probably find a few jobs for Will myself. Judy asks why Lily doesn't get Rick to do the repairs. Lily says that Rick is way too busy, especially with the Atlantor project. "Unless you don't want me to call [Will]," Lily says. Whoa, mark that down kids -- Lily's being considerate. Judy says she doesn't care, adding, "You're the one who likes him." "Oh, shut up," Lily smiles. The conversation turns to business and the Booklovers club, and we learn that it's doing really well. Judy can hardly keep up. The picture board is jammed with photos, one of which is Judy's. Lily's pleasantly surprised to see her up there. "I met someone, too," Judy says coyly. Lily wrestles off her jacket, looking to get the skinny. His name is Paul, he's a commodities broker, and tonight will be their third date. Judy looks like she's about to bust with pride. And, right on cue, here's Lily with a big sharp pin: "Wow, that's a lot. For you." Judy takes it in stride though, and as they get down to their Greek take-out, she describes Paul a little more. She says he's "very handsome, very funny...articulate, ed-u-ca-ted." Lily is suitably impressed by the list. Judy jokingly warns Lily not to say anything, as if it may jinx things. Lily wonders why Judy hasn't said anything about Paul. Judy says she was waiting to make sure that things were real. Lily says she's "so happy for [Judy]," and I think she really means it. Judy tells her not to be "happy yet. Be cautiously, apprehensively, optimistically skeptical." Lily rolls her eyes.
Meanwhile, Eli's at Rick's, strumming his guitar while some demon writhes around the living room. Oh, it's Wannabe, busting some Alanis Morissette moves. Wannabe moves to the bookshelf and inspects some family pictures, asking Eli about them. A shot of him in a tiny little football uniform somehow inflames Wannabe with a case of itchy pants, and she slinks over to Eli, slides the guitar our of his hands, and straddles him. Please understand how hard this is for me. She asks if he's ever gone out with a cheerleader. He says he has, and asks why. She pulls out some tired old line about how she wanted to put on a little cheerleading outfit for him, and get herself some pompoms, and...Hey! She's making a mockery of everything that Bring It On stands for. Blasphemer. She moves in and their lips connect like wet plungers, slurping and sucking. Jesus, I'm trying to eat my breakfast, here. She leans back with a devilish glint in her skankonious little eyes and suggests that they go upstairs. "My dad will be home any minute!" Eli protests. "That's why they made doors," Wannabe purrs. I'd love to demonstrate on her why they made boots. No, really. I would. She moves in to plumb his esophagus again, and then gets up, announcing, "I'm hungry." She heads for the kitchen, stretching her arms over her head in a way that, I guess, is meant to be seductive. I notice for the first time that she's wearing a pair of what seem to be Jordache jeans. Remember those? The ones with the fancy designs on the pockets and shit? Well, they're coming back, kids. Don't say I didn't warn you. Anyway, Eli looks a little relieved to hear that Wannabe's hungry, and suggests that they go out for something to eat -- somewhere where his dad won't catch them having sex.
Rick comes through the door at this point, wearily calling out, "Hey, I'm home." "Hey," comes Wannabe's voice from the kitchen. Rick, of course, has no idea to whom this siren's song belongs, and he emits a puzzled, "Uh..." as he finds Wannabe standing in front of the fridge, holding the door wide open. Like, make yourself at home much? The fridge is sad and empty, which Wannabe courteously points out to Rick, saying, "You must eat out a lot, huh?" She closes the door and arches her back some more. Seriously, is she trying to model herself after a stripper now? Eli comes downstairs with his jacket on, and Wannabe moves immediately to his side and puts her arm around him. Rick looks a little uncomfortable and asks where Jessie is. Eli answers him and then starts heading for the door, still dragging that dead weight with him. Rick asks where they're going -- but it's more rhetorical than an honest inquiry. Eli says they're going for something to eat, and Rick reminds him it's a school night. Eli resists. Rick asks to talk to him for a second, gesturing toward the dining room. Rick mentions their deal: Eli doesn't go out on school nights until he gets some "studying" done. "Dad, I'm not going out, I'm just going to get something to eat." Eli protests, illustrating brilliantly why he's been doing so poorly on the vocab section of the SAT. We see Wannabe, sporting her seventies ski vest, propping herself against the wall and watching the exchange with a look somewhere between boredom and contempt. Rick tells Eli that no one is going out; they're going to order in, and if Wannabe wants to stay, she's welcome. Which strikes me as a pretty fair deal. Eli still brats, wanting to know why it matters where he eats. Rick actually stands firm this time, telling Eli there's no argument -- they have a deal. Eli sighs, defeated, and Rick heads upstairs.
Wannabe slinks toward Eli, her eyes growing mockingly wide as she makes fun of Rick: "You may not have dinner outside the designated eating area." Eli smiles. "If you are found outside the designated eating area, your brain will be removed," Wannabe says, grabbing at Eli's hair and laughing. I wonder if that's what happened to her? Eli doesn't seem to mind that his father is undoubtedly within earshot of Wannabe's rude little exercise. He laughs and sweeps Wannabe into the air. "Stay," he says, putting her back on the ground. She looks up at him (which, of course, means that her mouth hangs open. It's like she's unable to move her lower jaw in conjunction with the rest of her skull, so from now on, I think it's safe to assume that, whenever I say Wannabe looks up at something, her mouth is necessarily hanging open.) and shakes her head. One more round of sloppy plunger kisses follows, and Wannabe pulls away just as it gets heated and says, "Call me later." She certainly knows how to handle a high school boy, doesn't she? Eli makes a couple of frustrated grunts, and rubs his forehead as the front door closes behind her.
"You did not!" Judy exclaims playfully. We follow her voice around a warm red restaurant, where she's seated with some dark-haired guy wearing a v-neck. I hate it when people don't wear anything under their v-necks. And he eats with his arm across the table, in front of his plate, which also drives me crazy. So that's two strikes and he hasn't even opened his mouth yet. Three, if you count the fact that he's not Will Gluck. He seems to have just finished a tale about how he took up the violin when he was a kid. Judy then asks about "the money thing." He explains that after college, he started a business headhunting for Ivy Leaguers. Judy jokes about his accomplishments, asking whether this was between winning the Pulitzer and his bid for Congress. "You mock me, that's nice, third date," he says, adding, "You know, when I grew up, young people had respect." Judy smiles girlishly at him then picks up her wine goblet with both hands.
"He's so normal!" she exclaims in a voice-over. This observation should, of course, send her screaming into the street, but it doesn't. We find her sitting on the Stool again, asking, "How does he do it? In my life, a third date usually turns into some sort of twelve-step meeting -- lots of purging and confessing. Which, in exactly three more dates, turns in on itself and sends both parties running in horror."
Back at the restaurant, Judy says, "And the headhunting business was a huge success, of course." He says that it was, for two years. "Then what happened?" Judy asks. Paul looks at her for a second and says that he had this partner...and uh...He slides his tongue all around his mouth, probing for something, and signaling that he's clearly not interested in saying more. Judy looks expectant. He adds that it's a long story. "I like long stories," Judy smiles. He smiles back, a very big, white, fake smile, and says that it's a long and boring story. Guess what Judy says. That's right: "I like long and boring stories." He smiles uncomfortably and studies the tablecloth, grunting little laughs. Then he changes the subject by asking something really important: "Are you the kind of girl I can count on to split dessert with me?" Judy marvels at him, a tiny dazzled smile playing at her lips, and says, "I'm afraid not. I want my own!" He puts on a beatific grin and looks heavenward, places his hand over his heart, and says, "I'll take her!" Judy giggles and takes another mouthful of wine.
Jessie comes into Eli's room and hands him the cordless phone. She lingers in the doorway, listening as Eli discovers that it's Wannabe. He asks what she's doing. "Hanging around," she grates. "Where?" "I dunno, see for yourself," she answers. He rolls off the bed and heads to the window, which is artfully decorated with Dickensian frost circles. Jessie cranes from the doorway to see what he's looking at. Save the effort, Jessie -- it isn't much. Wannabe waves from the sidewalk. "And what are you doing?" Eli asks. "Hanging around," she grates again. God, her voice goes through you like prune juice. Eli grins, covers the phone, and asks Jessie where Rick is. He's downstairs working. Eli asks Wannabe if she wants him to come down. "You can't, you're working," she taunts, piling the contempt on "working." He asks if she wants to go up there. "I can't, you're working!" she mocks again. Wow, what a scintillating conversation. And how thoughtful of her to stop by just to tease him with the fact that he's trapped in his room while she's free to do whatever she wants. Eli asks again what she's doing there, then. "I told you: I'm hanging around." "I'm gonna kill you," Eli says. Sadly, he's joking. "Bye," Wannabe says with a big stupid grin. "Wait!" Eli protests. "I gotta go!" she says, disconnecting. You know, because she's got so much to do. "Great, thank you," Eli complains, shutting his window.
Judy, meanwhile, has just arrived at Manning Manor, where Grace greets her in the doorway. "Hey baby! How are you doing?" Judy practically sings, planting a kiss on Grace's cheek. Grace groans that she's buried under a "slagheap" of homework. She asks what's in the bag Judy's carrying. "Your mother threatened to kill me if I didn't get her a new teapot." "Yeah, for all the tea she doesn't drink," snorts Grace. Heh. They head into the kitchen, where a glorious blond presence is filling the corner of my television screen. Awww yeeah! Will Gluck is in the house! He lights up when he sees Judy, who's shocked to find him there. Grace hovers, obviously feeling the sexual tension that's crackling as Will explains that Lily called him. They stand and stare awkwardly at one another when the small talk lapses, and Grace jumps in to stoke the fire, saying that Will fixed her sink. She plays it up like he's Bob Vila, but Will is modest about it. He goes to the sink and scrubs his hands, asking Judy how the fountain's working out. She tells him everyone loves it, and people always say "how beautiful it is, and what a...uh..." Judy can't finish her thought, though, because she's just gotten a look at Will's big strong sexy man hands lathering up in the sink. She's transfixed, muttering "what a..." over and over again until Will finally says, "'What a' what?" He turns off the faucet and grabs a towel, thereby breaking the spell. Judy can't remember what she was talking about, though, and Will reminds her just as Zoe comes barreling into the kitchen laden with brown paper bags. Lily's right behind her, and she asks Judy what she's doing there. Judy says she brought her a new teapot. "You didn't have to do that! I was kidding!" Lily exclaims. "Yeah, right," Judy says. Zoe asks whether Will needs any help. Grace looks up from a book on the kitchen table with a bemused smile. Will says Zoe can help him rehang her door. He pauses in the kitchen doorway to tell Lily that he noticed some chipped tiles in her bathroom. She answers that she was trying to ignore them. He stuffs his hands in his pockets and mumbles that he can fix them tomorrow. Lily thanks him emphatically. He tells Zoe to follow him and they'll get to work. Lily calls out that dinner is in fifteen minutes and then adds that Will can join them if he'd like -- they've "got so much." Judy throws her a knowing look, like, "You flirt!" He reappears in the doorway to thank her but turns down the offer. He lingers and tells Judy it was really good to see her again. Then his big dimples appear and I'm staring at his scruffy bed-heady hair and giggling like a little girl. Man, I loves me some Will Gluck. When Will leaves, Judy turns to find Lily perched conspiratorially behind her. "Do you like him?" Lily whispers. "No, you're the one who likes him," Judy answers. "What are you talking about?" Lily demands in a whisper. Judy bats her eyelashes and pouts her lips and breathily mimics, "Oh, we've got so much!" "'Oh, I brought you a new teapot'?" Lily counters. "Yeah, well if you wouldn't accuse me of stealing all the time," Judy laughs. Grace, overhearing the exchange, wonders, "Why don't you two just flip a coin?" Judy grabs her gloves and says she has to go. "I already have plans," she says grandly. Lily throws up her hands and jokingly snarks, "Do you see me asking you to dinner?"
Out on the porch, Judy finds Will waiting for her. "I thought you went upstairs," Judy says, suddenly awkward. You know her breath just caught and her stomach is now somewhere in her boots. "Yeah. I tried to call you once. You didn't answer." "Oh." "I wanted to call you again," Will admits, shyly rocking on his feet, his hands stuffed in his pockets. "Oh." "Well, should I do that?" he persists, looking so earnest it could break your heart. Judy looks like a deer in headlights, and stammers, "I guess that's really complicated?" Oh my god, just kiss him already! "Why?" Will asks. Judy glances at her watch and avoids the question by saying that she's so sorry, but she has to go. "Can I think about it?" she asks, not ready to blow him off definitively. "About whether I should call you or not?" Will asks, scrunching his face in confusion. She mutters more apologetic bits as she brushes past him down the walk. "You look so beautiful," he says. I swoon. Well, it got her attention. Judy stops and turns to look at him. He smiles and shrugs his shoulders a little. "Oh," she manages. "Well it's really nice to see you too." She turns again and starts down the sidewalk, looking like she just got goosed. And liked it. She glances over her shoulder the requisite one time, so we can be sure her cool façade is just that.
After commercials, we find Judy back at the bookstore. Karen comes in, and she's just percolating energy. She asks whether Judy would mind helping her find a book for the book club, and Judy says she'd love to. Now, hold up, here. Does this mean Karen's officially putting herself out there, and Leo's out of the picture or soon to be? ["I think she means the book club she started with that friend of Lily's, Naomi, that Lily was not invited to join -- from the season finale." -- Wing Chun] Whatever the deal is, she looks pretty damn happy about it. So anyway, Judy agrees to help, and they move further into the store. Karen notices the crammed picture board and is blown away by how much the club has grown. Judy says she feels like she invented Viagra: "It needed to be done, but still." I don't know what that's supposed to mean, so I'll just chuckle knowingly along with Karen. Karen asks whether Judy's met anyone. "Well..." Judy says. Karen gets all girlfriend on her, wanting to know the details. "He's, um, very together," Judy beams. Karen agrees that that sounds good (and thinks to herself it's exactly what Baby Leo isn't). Judy says she really likes him, "But?" Karen asks. Judy replies, "Two weeks ago, no man in sight, and now all of a sudden..." "You mean there's more than one?" Karen's head just might explode. Judy gets embarrassed and self-conscious, and moves to the counter. She starts going over Paul's list again, mentally placing a gold star to every quality: "He's really smart, and funny. He dresses really well, my friends would like him." "Bachelor number one," Karen quips. Seriously, what is she on, and where can I get some? She's so not beige today. "And the other one," Judy continues, breaking into a huge smile at the thought of him. "Will." "Bachelor number two," Karen says, waiting for the dish. "He's not right for me," Judy says way too quickly, trying to convince herself. "He's wrong. He doesn't read, didn't go to school. And I don't know if he dresses well, because every time I look at him, I picture him naked." Karen, insisting on making my head spin, steps closer to Judy and says, "Wait. Naked is good." Judy says she knows, but she's been there and done that. "It's a well-known fact: eventually, you have to get dressed," she intones. "Who said that?" Karen smart-asses.
Over at Manning Manor, Lily's decked out in sweats and cradling the phone on her shoulder while she sets the table. It's Rick. She asks where he's been all day. "Buried," he sighs. He complains about Miles Drentell and makes some lame joke that likens him to a pharaoh. As if that's not bad enough, Lily caps it with, "Let my boyfriend go." It's the one time I've ever disagreed with Sela's delivery. If it were me, I'd have said it in a booming, Technicolor-movie voice, but she just kind of says it. Then again, maybe she just wanted to get it out of the way as fast as possible so that no one would notice it's a stupid joke. Rick says he can still fix her closet on Saturday, and she can pay him in sexual favors. Right, except that Will got there first. To the closet, I mean. So Lily suggests that they go to a movie, and then she'll "render sexual favors just for fun." Will pops up behind Lily's shoulder. Oops. "You've got enough on your plate with the pyramids, and all," Lily says, trying to get rid of Rick. She promises to call him later. Rick looks a little disheartened when he hangs up. What's up with that?
We cut to a smooth jazz band, and I'm pretty sure it's the same jazz singer that was on the show a while ago -- the one who looks like the older brother on Leave it to Beaver. Anyway, as the camera pans around, we discover that Judy's on yet another date with Paul, and this time it's happening at Phil's. Like she has to show this guy off to Jake or something. "I approve of this place," Paul proclaims, as the band finishes a song and the diners applaud. They banter banter banter, and Jake slides by. He pauses behind Paul, puckers his lips emphatically, and gives the "okay!" sign. Judy looks suitably mortified. As Jake glides off, Judy turns the conversation to "romantic history." Paul makes the sign of the cross and flinches. Judy won't be deterred, however. She tells him to spill it: she wants to know about all relationships lasting no less than one year, marriages, cohabitation, and a celebrity infatuation or two. He laughingly tells her they won't get into high school or college. "After college, I lived with a girl for two years, and she was very nice," he says, almost in passing. "And then, I fell in love," he declares. He went out with the woman for three years and was engaged for the last six months. He dismisses it, saying that she was married before and wasn't over it. "Oh, that must've been hard," Judy sympathizes. The emotional stone doesn't get it though, and says it wasn't: "She just came in and told me. It took like three minutes." He smiles, unfazed. Judy clarifies that she meant it must've been difficult for him. "Well, she was a lawyer, you know, so what do you expect?" he says. Huh? And Judy -- run. Run fast and run far from this emotional desert of a man. Judy isn't disturbed by his complete non-reaction, however, but it's probably because she's too busy remembering how hard it was for her to lose Sam. She tells him she knows what it feels like to love someone and have them just walk away. "Oh my god!" he laughs. "You knew her, too!" What a complete jackass. Judy laughs then grows serious. She tells him that he doesn't have to hide with her. Paul, of course, is not at all interested in what she's saying. You can tell he's just waiting for her lips to stop moving. "Yeah," he says, when she's done. He says he thinks that's "really cool." He beams at her stupidly for a second. "You do?" Judy says, amazed that she just mentioned emotional intimacy and the guy didn't run screaming from the table. "Who made you so funny?" he goobers. Judy doesn't know what the hell he's talking about. "You're just so funny," he Beavises, before Buttheading, "You're just constantly making me laugh." She looks blank, wondering what she said that was so funny. He corrects her, saying it isn't what she says -- it's just her. She's just funny. Judy puts on a smile and tries really hard to share the joke.
Jake, mercifully, interrupts. He's come to make chit chat, and asks facetiously if he's "going to see this one again." Paul complains that the chicken wasn't "heavy" and "greasy" like his mother used to make. Is he for real? I'm seriously having a hard time figuring out if this is the guy's idea of a joke. Judy looks like she wants to slip under the table, but whether it's because of the asinine things he's saying now, or the asinine things he said earlier, I'm not sure. Jake suavely assures Paul that when he comes back, Jake will personally overcook the chicken. He takes Judy's hand and tells her to have a good time before he strides away. "Now that's service," the grinning idiot blithers, jerking his thumb in Jake's general direction.
The bell's ringing at the high school, and Wannabe comes racing up to Eli in the hall. She jumps on his back, and he piggybacks her a few paces. He asks where she was second period, and of course, she skipped it. She leads him to the women's faculty washroom and hunches over the doorknob. "What are you doing?" he asks warily. She produces a key and opens the door. Stepping inside, she gives him the demon look again and says she dares him. Eli glances around, and Wannabe yanks him inside the washroom. She turns off the lights and starts wrangling with his belt buckle. He protests, but only because they're in the "teachers' bathroom." He points out that if they get caught, they'll get suspended. "What a reason to get suspended for," Carla rebuts. Oh, god, here come the plunger faces again. Thankfully, they're interrupted momentarily by a gray-haired member of the faculty. She demands to know what they're doing, like it's not glaringly obvious. She immediately asks how they got a key, and Eli starts laying a line smoother than Ex-Lax. He says the door was unlocked. Refastening his buckle, he repeats that they tried the door and it wasn't locked. The teacher tells them to get out and consider themselves lucky they're not spending the week at home. Dude, if I were her, I would have at least sent them down to the guidance office for a little lesson in condoms and stuff. But whatever. In the hallway, Wannabe congratulates Eli on his fast thinking. He looks like someone just turned a freezing cold hose on him. Carla takes off down the hallway, and he watches her, pissed.
Judy turns the open sign in the bookstore that evening, and as she heads back to the cash counter, someone comes in behind her. She's about to say the store's closed, but then turns and sees that it's Will Gluck. He nervously says he just decided not to call. Judy's taken aback. He thought it would be easier face-to-face. "What would be easier?" Judy asks. "To tell you that I want to see you." I swoon. Again. "And, uh, just hold you," he adds, flapping his arms for emphasis. I swoon some more. Judy looks at him, and his boyish grin spreads, bringing out the dimples. Still swooning. "Listen," Judy starts. "I'm listening," he says. "What?" "Well, you keep saying 'listen,' and, I'm listening." She says she says that because she doesn't know what to say. He suggests that maybe that's a good thing. She changes her story. She does know what to say, it's just hard. "Listen," she starts again then catches herself. "I don't think we're a good idea," she says, flat out. Suddenly, Will's much closer to her. He asks why not. Judy is thrown. She thinks a moment, then stammers, "Uh, because...well, to tell you the truth, we have nothing in common. People do this all the time. They're attracted to someone, and then they invest themselves in that person because they want it to be more, but, it isn't more because, finally, it is what it is. And I can't do that anymore." Will asks how she knows. She answers that she's done it too much. He clarifies: how does she know they don't have anything in common? Judy looks at him a minute. "I just do," she bullshits, praying that he'll stop asking questions she can't answer. "I think you're wrong," he says. Then he leans in and kisses her. Judy doesn't exactly object. When they finally stop, she's agape and looks stunned. In a good way. Will smiles at her. "And I'm seeing someone else," she blurts. Judy! What the hella ya doing? Will looks like she just slapped him. He struggles to absorb what she just told him. "Someone that you like?" he finally asks. "Yeah," she says, watching him guardedly. She apologizes and he nods wordlessly. He's got tears in his eyes. I've got bald patches where I've been tearing at my hair for the past two minutes. Will turns and leaves, hunching sadly, and pulling his jacket around himself. He doesn't look back. Judy moves to the door and sadly watches him through the window while the wind howls faintly.
After commercials, we're back at the bookstore. Karen's back again, too. She's purchasing several copies of the same book. Judy tells her she's so nice, and Karen "ah nothing"s that it'll just save everyone in the book club a trip. Oh! I guess she's talking about that book club from last season -- the one Naomi didn't invite Lily to join. ["See?" -- Wing Chun] Man, I'd better start on the ginkgo biloba if I'm going to keep recapping this show. As Judy rings through Karen's card, Karen leans conspiratorially on the counter and grins, asking, "So?" Judy keeps her eyes shyly focused on the countertop. "No news," she says and giggles. Karen says she thinks it's great. Judy says maybe it would have been when she was twenty-five. "So, pick one," Karen advises. Judy says it's easy to pick one. She starts running through Paul's checklist again, concluding, "He's the picture. The guy I always thought I'd be with." Sure, maybe when you were six and thought Ken was the bomb and imagined yourself living in the Malibu Beach House. By now, though, you should have figured out that Ken's pretty package is missing a lot of important stuff. And I think you know what I'm saying. "I love this!" Karen says. "But why am I so attracted to the second one?" Judy wonders. Duh. Because he's real. Karen asks whether Judy's attracted to the first one -- Paul. Judy uncertainly says that she thinks so. Then, she boldly repeats that she is attracted to him. Well, I'm convinced. Judy adds that he just seems "really cautious about opening up." "Unlike the rest of us," Karen says sagely. Judy realizes that she's putting too many expectations on him and analyzing every moment that they spend together. She admits that she's just as afraid -- then she interrupts herself, saying she just realized why she's so attracted to Will Gluck. Because he's yummy? No, because he offers her a way to keep Paul at bay, and protect herself from opening up to him. Oh, please. It's really not as complicated as all that. Karen agrees with Judy's diagnosis, however. You can't blame her, though, since she's never been in the presence of the mighty Gluck. Judy thanks her, jokingly calling her "doctor." "Now, if I could only cure myself," Karen laughs, as she heads for the door.
We cut to the high school before they even say goodbye. The bell's ringing, as it always seems to be on this show. Grace is in the Spanish lab, grabbing a set of headphones, when Eli spots her. He approaches and starts chatting with her. Grace, naturally, is taken aback, and is wondering what the hell this is about. She asks how Carla is. Eli smiles and says that she's good. Grace says that she's cool and Eli agrees. I check my windows for any signs of flying pigs. Eli starts feeling Grace out about her relationship with Wannabe, saying it's weird that the two of them are friends. He's clearly trying to come to terms with his own relationship with Wannabe. Grace asks what he means. "I don't know. Because you're both so different?" he says. "Oh really?" she smart-asses, laughing. "Well, she's just a little out there," Eli says. Grace agrees wholeheartedly. "I can only imagine what she was like before rehab," Grace says. Eli looks stunned. Oopsie. Grace says she though that everyone knew about Wannabe's sordid past. Eli recovers from the shock and lies that he knows all about it, that Wannabe's talked with him about it. Grace says Wannabe talks with everyone about it (what a surprise) because it wasn't a big deal or anything. For our benefit, she exposits that Wannabe's parents found her pot, freaked out, and sent her to rehab. Can you actually send someone to rehab for pot? Seriously. That's weaker than Melanie Griffith's "rehab." Eli lies again that Wannabe told him about it. He's a really bad liar, by the way. Grace reiterates that Wannabe's cool, and sorry, but I'm still not buying it. She adds that it's good that Eli and Wannabe are so close. Eli suddenly decides he's got to go, and once he leaves, Grace lets out a big breath, and rests her forehead against her hand.
Meanwhile, Judy's still beating Paul the dead horse. She's lighting candles on her table while he lords over the sauté. He makes lame jokes about all the cooking utensils she has, wondering if one of them is a "medieval torture device." If only. He starts talking about his cooking philosophy, like anyone cares. Judy slinks around behind him and starts rubbing her hands up under his shirt. Um, ew. One thing you don't want to do is rub the hairy belly of a man who's standing directly in front of the pan that contains your dinner. "You are very distracting," Paul finally says, turning to face her. "I hope so," Judy answers. She's not that distracting, though, because Paul returns immediately to the pan, and to his cooking stories. Judy's like a deflated soufflé. She tries getting his attention by being serious. He continues cooking and tells her to shoot. She says she needs him to turn around. He does. Judy starts saying that she doesn't really connect to too many people anymore, and when she does, she's surprised. He says that surprise is good. She keeps stammering and dancing around her point, and he asks if she wants to discuss it while they eat. She sounds a little offended at the suggestion. She says she wants to talk now, just for a second. Paul looks a little peeved himself. He slaps one of the utensils on the stove and looks like he's biting his tongue. He takes a slug of wine. Judy hesitantly asks if he can just look her in the eye. He turns and cheeses, "Judy, I can look you in the eye anytime." He should really be hosting a game show somewhere. They look at each other for a few moments, and then he dives at her face, his lips at the ready. He drives her all the way across the kitchen, where she bumps up against the sink and her dish drainer. Silverware clangs for effect. Paul has suddenly turned into Mr. Gropey and Judy finally wrestles away from him. Major discomfort ensues. Dejected, he says that he though she.... And she says yeah...she's sorry, but she just wanted to talk for a second. He folds his arms and defensively says, "We can talk."
Cut to Paul stretching his naked torso in Judy's bed. Ick. "You are amazing," he groans. Judy's lying with her back to him, curled up at her edge of the bed. Looks like she had a blast. "Thanks," she mutters. She reaches out a hand and strokes at something on the bedside table, her face melancholy. He looks at her then apologizes. She smiles and rolls over, looking to share a bit of intimacy, finally. He stretches again and announces, "Boy, am I hungry now," before popping out of bed. Let me just say that I'm relating a little too much to Judy right now. I won't think about it, I won't think about it, I won't think about it.... Judy's face turns stony as her voice-over begins, leading us to the Soliloquy Stool.
"I realized early on that a woman can just have sex, and a man has to have a reaction, you know, for it to happen," Judy says. I have to admit, I have no idea what she's talking about. Maybe all that clearly unspent sexual energy has muddled her brain a little. "And I've always been in awe of that, 'cause I sure wouldn't want the situation reversed. Some men worry about it, and they talk themselves into the worst happening, and others, it never enters their minds. And it's all okay because it's real, and it's vulnerable, and it's, you know, between the two of you. And the only time it's not okay is when the goal becomes so important that the other person doesn't even remember that you're there." Okay, that last part, I get. Sadly.
The morning, Lily shows up at Judy's door. "You're not even dressed yet!" she complains when she sees Judy's robe. "Yes, and I forgot the check," Judy says. Lily says that if they can get their mother's birthday present out that day, it won't be late, for once. They make idle chit chat, which leads to Lily revealing that she'll be out that night, and she hasn't made a key for Will to lock up. Judy's surprised Lily still has him working. "You're the one who likes him," Lily says. Judy shoots her a look. "Oh, excuse me! You like Paul. How is Paul? Is he still the number-one contender or has he fallen from his pedestal?" "Who asked you?" Judy growls. "What happened?" Lily asks. Judy says nothing happened. Then she says, "Well, something happened, I'm just not sure what it was." "You slept with him?" Lily asks, somewhere between surprise and disapproval. Judy says they've been out "like a million times." Or four. Same difference. Lily says she's not criticizing Judy (well, not consciously, anyway), she just thought that they'd gone to a new level. Judy makes a cynical remark about the new level they've attained. Judy complains that Paul has no interest in talking about what's actually going on. Lily suggests that might be good for Judy. Judy says that's not really the problem. "So, what? You slept with him and it didn't go well?" Lily asks, with something approaching understanding in her voice. "He was really strange," Judy confides. Lily suggests that he was just nervous, but that's not what Judy's talking about. She thinks for a minute on how to explain it, then says, "He didn't connect at all. You know what I mean?" Lily shrugs off her coat. Her face is a mix of disappointment and disgust. "Judy, I've seen you do this so many times," she says. She rhymes off a couple ex-boyfriends and their so-called flaws to illustrate her point. Lily tells Judy that she's too critical. Ha! Oh if that's not -- but wait, Judy's going to say it for me. "Oh, I'm critical," she says. Lily's warmed up now, though, so she doesn't even register the barb. "Yes," she answers, like it was a genuine question, "people need time to warm up to one another. You're always diving in too fast, and then you're disappointed." "That's not true!" Judy protests. "You jump into bed right away," Lily continues, unfazed. "Oh, and what did you and Rick do?" Judy demands indignantly. Oh, that got Lily's attention all right. She pauses for a moment and her head reels back like Judy slugged her. "That was different," she finally says. Because you slept with him on the third date, while Judy and Paul tagged up on the fourth? No, because "[they're] still together." Well, there's some good logic. She didn't know that would be the case when they shamboogied that first time. "You amaze me," Just says, pissed. Lily pulls out her Harlequin and starts reading from the back cover: "We knew we wanted each other. We knew it more than anything we've ever known." Then she goes for the killing blow: "Judy, do you even know what you want?" Touché. Judy sullenly sips her coffee.
Wannabe knocks on Rick's door. Eli glances through the peephole, looks less than thrilled, and reluctantly opens the door. They give each other a peck as Wannabe moves toward the living room, asking, "Where've you been?" "Around," Eli evades. "Around where?" she asks, smiling. She goes over the ways he's been avoiding her, but she's acting really confident and unbothered. Eli says he's been "really busy with some stuff." "Stuff," Wannabe repeats, leveling him a look to cut through the crap. "Are you blowing me off?" she finally asks. He denies it. "You are," she says, again smiling. She seems to see it as a challenge of some sort. She asks if it's because of what happened in the bathroom. He says it's not. "You're afraid of getting suspended because of your dad," she taunts. I'm reminded of the lectures we used to get in grade seven, about the differences between friends and buddies. How friends actually care about you and would never want to see you hurt yourself, but a buddy just wants someone to drag to their level, so they can feel better about all the crap that they're doing. Wannabe is definitely a buddy. "Why do you let him control you?" she asks. Eli says he doesn't. "Who's always on you about your music? Who's all over you about school and college?" "Carla, he's my dad!" "Your dad who hates me," she pouts. Manipulation Tactic #2, for those of you with scorecards. Keep your pencils handy. Eli says Rick doesn't hate her. She says that Rick wishes she'd disappear. Eli argues that Rick doesn't even know her. Well, if it counts, we'd all like her to disappear. Eli finally gets angry and snaps, "I don't get you! What is the point of looking for trouble all the time? There's enough of it as there is!" "Aww," Wannabe snides, "he's gettin' mad." She smiles and sidles up to him. "The only time you're happy is when you're fighting someone!" "Wanna make something of it?" she demands, her smile suddenly gone. Ooh, watch out Eli, or that pot-smoking bad-ass is going to get you. Didn't you see Reefer Madness? Eli snarls, "Look, I don't want to fight anymore. And stop treating me like I'm a chicken when I don't, because I don't appreciate that." Wannabe glares at him. "And stop taking stuff out on me," Eli adds. Wannabe looks away, like she's fighting tears all of a sudden. Eli's face softens and he lets out his breath. "Sorry," Wannabe says, grabbing for her jacket. Manipulation Tactic #3. She says she'll go. Buh-bye! Don't let the door hit you in the ass. Okay, maybe just a little. Dammit, Eli tells her to wait. She turns and, looking like she's sucking back the tears, tells him, essentially, that he has people who care about him and she doesn't, which is why she's such an asshole. Whatever. Like everyone doesn't have shit to deal with. It's not a free pass to behave any way you want. Wannabe makes a "desperate" move for the door, but Eli throws his arms around her and pulls her back. Oh god. She fights, saying, "I'm sorry I'm bad for you. I'll just leave you alone okay?" And there we have Manipulation Tactic #4. Nice range. Eli says he doesn't want her to leave him alone. They start smooching again, which means that the sound effects guy pulls out the wet mop and plungers. They hold each other tight, and Eli cradles her head protectively with his hand.
Judy, meanwhile, is sitting in her car outside Lily's place. She's trying to decide whether to go in or not. Finally, she takes a deep breath and opens the car door. She finds Will inside, doing something handy with the dining room trim. He's surprised to see her. He tells her "they're not here." Judy anxiously says that she knows. Haltingly, she says she's there to explain about the other night. Judy rambles about how you see yourself with someone and you don't see yourself with someone else, and it's not about one person being better than the other, it's about how you see yourself, and it you don't have that, you don't have anything. Will tells her she has "all these ideas about how things are supposed to be." Judy says she doesn't want to anymore. He kisses her, and she lets herself go. Whoa, now. A whoop and a swirl later, and we're looking at them nekkid in bed.
Soliloquy Judy asks, "Why did it have to be good?"
Back in bed, Will grabs her head and starts kissing her again. Judy voice-overs: "There are times in life when bad sex is the right thing. Bad sex with your ex. Bad sex with people who are wrong for you. Who you are not going to be with."
In bed, she asks, "Who do you want to be twenty years from now?" "Someone who doesn't think about that question," Will answers without hesitation. There's the sound of a key in a door and we hear Lily call out, "Hello." Jesus, I thought they went back to Judy's place. They're shagging in Lily's bed! And the plucky little guitars kick in to confirm that this is, in fact, a little light-hearted humor. Lily stands in the foyer, calling out repeatedly and glancing around. Her eyes shift this way and that, suspicious. When she doesn't get a response, she half-shrugs and starts for the kitchen, still calling out.
We return from commercials to find Will racing down the stairs and buttoning his shirt. Those plucky guitars are still playing, so we know Lily's going to collide with him in three...two...one. "Aah!" she squawks. They stutter and sputter in an attempt to communicate whether Judy's still there and where she is and why Lily couldn't find anyone. Will says he's going to finish up, pointing toward the dining room. Just as Lily starts up the stairs, Judy comes spinning down the in a little halter top and leather pants. Man, is she thin. Lily proceeds up the stairs, and Judy snatches her cardigan off the banister and races to follow. Lily beats her to the bedroom. "You slept with him in my bed!" she fumes. "What if the girls had come home?" Judy says she knew they wouldn't come home -- she was more worried about Lily. She then points out that Rick and Lily "did it in [her] apartment." Oh, but if course, that was different. That was a "relationship." And, it involved Lily, and therefore should be considered beyond reproach. "I have no idea what this is," Lily says, referring to Judy's tryst with Will. "Why, because he works with his hands?" Judy demands. "No! I think he is great," Lily says, and then things go really bizarre as I find myself rooting for Lily and begging Judy to listen to her. Lily says she thinks that Will is really sweet. "Yeah, well why don't you marry him?" Judy brats. "Because I have Rick," Lily says. "Oh exactly -- the big architect!" Judy snipes. "Is that what this is about? Are you competing with me?" Lily demands. "Because that is really stupid." Judy snarks, "Oh, that is a wonderful fantasy on your part," and starts to walk out of the room. Lily tells her to wait and then gives her a really nice talk. She says that Judy has "so much to offer" and Lily doesn't "care if it's with Will or Paul or George or Ringo! Are you going to keep doing this? I mean, just jumping from one person to the because you're disappointed?" She tells Judy to "decide," to "pick one person and then just stick with it. Make it work with Paul if it can't be with Will." Judy looks chastised. "Make it work," Lily repeats.
We see Judy on the street with the asinine bachelor, Paul. He keeps bumping her and then telling her she walks funny. For some reason, he thinks this is hysterical. I probably would too, if I were ten. God, this guy's annoying. They stop walking, and Judy moves against him like she's about to kiss him. He, of course, starts talking, saying that friends of his are going away for the weekend, and he really wants her to come. Then he starts describing the band of sorry misfits he considers friends, and the whole weekend sounds like it'll be Porky's Revisited. Oddly, Judy doesn't jump at the chance to hang out with these overgrown frat boys. Oh, and the kicker is that he describes one of his female friends as "almost a normal person, if she were a man." Uh. Huh. See the curb there to your left, Judy? Plant this guy's ass firmly upon it, I'm begging you. Anyway, Judy reacts to the invitation by telling him that she's "the kind of person who needs a lot of intimacy." "So, you don't want to go?" he asks. "No, it's not that. It's just that I need you to --" Paul rudely turns around and starts walking away, rolling his eyes like a pair of windshield wipers in the process. He turns again, and says, frustrated, "I'm asking you to go away with me. I'm seeing you all the time. What do you want?" "I know I'm talking about something else." "You want to have a therapy session?" he snarks. "Is that what you want?" He asks if they can have one date without it turning into some giant inquisition. He flops onto a bench and glowers. Judy tells him that he's right. He's stunned. "What do you mean, I'm right?" he asks, getting up off the bench. She says he has no idea how much she wanted this to work. "You're kidding," he says, knowing exactly where she's going. He starts acting incredulous that she's breaking up with him. He interrupts her explanation by asking, "Is this what you do? You tease people? Get them to like you?" She doesn't get it. "I asked you to go away with me!" he yells. Okay, now he's creeping me out. Step away from the lunatic, Judy. Nice and slow. She doesn't, though. She hangs around long enough to apologize again, to which he responds, "You know what, Judy? You're not a nice person." Finally she looks at him like he's off his gourd and walks away. "Oh, good. That's good. You know you're gonna call me. Judy!" he yells as she crosses the street.
Eli's stretched out on his bed, studying, when the phone rings. Sigh. Guess who? And she's pulling that same tired shtick she used last time. I can't even bring myself to type it. Just imagine being really annoyed, and it's basically the same thing. He goes to the window and tells her to just knock on the door, he's sure Rick will let her in. "I never climbed up a fire escape," she says, teasing. She taunts him with the punishments that could result until he finally relents and opens the window. Sound guy drags out the wet mops and plungers again (he must be as sick of these two as I am) as they tear at each other's clothes. "Hey Eli!" Rick calls and knocks on the door, apropos of nothing. Eli rushes to meet Rick in the doorway, sheltering Wannabe behind the door. Eli manages to convince Rick that he's studying standing up, but before Rick backs out of the room, he tells Eli to call if he needs help and then casts a suspicious glance around the perimeter. As soon as the door closes, Eli reminds Wannabe that he does have to work. Removing her cardigan, she glances over her shoulder and pouts, "And so you shall." Oh please. He's up to the task, though, and tosses her gamely on the bed.
Judy mercifully distracts from the scene by voice-overing her views on fate and love. She says she was "always a believer in romantic fate; that wherever love was concerned, people were out of control." She finds Will adjusting the light fixture in Lily's breakfast nook. They beam when they see each other, and as she walks toward him, he grabs her and twirls her around as they kiss. He says he didn't think she'd come back. "It's not easy to change the way things are," he says. "Sometimes people never do it." Judy says she does have to change the way things are and that's why.... "'That's why' what?" he asks. "I can't do this," Judy says, teary. Will looks like she kicked him in the gut. "And that's changing the way things are?" he asks. She says she has to take responsibility for her future. "And you already know I don't fit into that?" he asks. "For a hundred reasons and...none," Judy answers. She voice-overs some romantic pap about getting swept away, and how "passion was the greatest truth, and the only thing that mattered. [She] lived for that." I guess the fact that she's speaking in past tense is significant, like she can't let herself get carried away anymore. Will chokes back tears, and Judy does too. They're interrupted by Zoe and Lily. Zoe has some hot gossip to share with Judy, and Will fades over to the light fixture. He grabs his tools and jacket and brings Lily up to speed on the work he did. Judy watches him for a minute then sputters, "Why don't I walk out with you?" He says it's okay, she doesn't have to. He tells her to stay right there, and they'll see each other again. Dammit, they'd better. I just want to see Will Gluck again.
Soliloquy Judy continues her earlier thread, saying that "fate has a new meaning when you're thirty-five." She realizes that she "made choices, and one of those was time. I used it, and I may run out of it. I may be alone for the rest of my life because of it." She still believes, though, that what she wants and needs is out there.
Back in the kitchen, Grace quietly approaches Judy and whispers, "Do you want me and Zoe to go upstairs?" You know, there are times when I could just kiss that kid. Judy says no, she wants Grace "to stay right here," and her eyes well with tears. She watches Lily and the girls making dinner. You can see how much she totally loves them, and at the same time, envies them just a little.