Fade up on a solitary white stool glowing softly against a black background. Melancholy jazz piano. Judy steps on-screen, sidles up to the stool, and straddles it, saying, "When you've been involved with a married man, and you decide that you're never going to see him again, here's what you do."
Now we're looking through the bookstore window, and Judy is inside at the counter, looking at the cordless phone like a recovering addict and restlessly drumming her fingers. "You don't call him," says her voice-over. Now Judy's strolling along the sidewalk in slow motion, her eyes transfixed by the payphones she's passing. The melancholy jazz piano still plays, and a silken-voiced man sings, "The very thought of you." Cut to Judy in bed, the phone ringing on her nightstand. "Even if he calls you," her voice-over continues. Judy's sitting on the floor, in front of her answering machine, and hitting the playback button while she voice-overs, "Even if you listen to the message a few times." The ease with which she locates the play button, without having to turn around, suggests she's listened to Mr. Married's message more than a "few times." She looks at the cordless phone in her hand, thankfully thinks better of dialing, and covers it with a giant floor cushion. "That's what you do," she voice-overs, "You don't call him back. And all you want is something else to think about," Judy says as we cut back to her black-and-white self, perched on the stool. "Anything else," she adds.
Cut to a green, felt-covered bulletin board, where there's a Polaroid of a woman tacked up. The photo is attached to a slip of paper with the woman's first name and the title of a book scrawled in marker. The music fades as Grace says, "This is a genius idea." The camera lands on Grace, then pans to the coffee counter in the bookstore, where a workman is busily fidgeting with some tools. He watches Judy pulling the bulletin board (it's a big stand-up one) toward the front window, while she explains to Grace that she was having trouble sleeping one night, and she remembered this dry cleaner for singles she'd heard about, where you could flip through a photo album of people. That sounds creepy to me, but what do I know? Grace interrupts to inform Judy that her idea is so much better. Turning to Lily, Grace extols the idea, explaining for our benefit that people will decide who they want to meet based on the books they recommend, and admitting that she judges people based on what they read. She catches herself, realizing how snobbish she sounds, and says, "I don't mean judge." Yes, you do. Embrace your elitism. Judy turns her attention to Lily, seeking her reaction. She hesitantly asks what Lily thinks. Lily forces exuberance and a smile, saying it sounds like a great idea.
"What was wrong with the cappuccino machine?" Zoe asks the workman, as she hovers almost on top of him. Judy asks Grace too give her a hand positioning the board, which, as they spin it around, reveals a paper banner across the top that says, "Booklovers." Judy moves the woman's picture to the center of the board and tacks it, saying nervously, "See, this is where the pictures and recommendations will be." "So that's what you're calling this idea? Book...lovers?" Lily asks, pronouncing the name like it's pornographic. Like the club is only going to attract people who like to diddle books, or something. Grace likes it, though, and tells Judy she should change the store's name to that, too. Judy admits she was thinking about it. "What?" Lily asks, like she's just found out that Santa Claus isn't real. Judy explains that "My Sister's Bookstore" sounds like...er...uh...Grace jumps in to rescue the floundering Judy, saying, "It sounds like a lesbian bookstore, Mom." Lily scoffs at the suggestion, but I can totally see their point. Not that there's anything wrong with lesbian bookstores, but if lesbians aren't your specific target, a name change might be a good thing, is all I'm saying. Judy says gently, "I've kind of taken an informal poll, and...well, I'd like to match everyone up, not just lesbians." Lily looks like she's on the verge of a princess attack, but thankfully, Zoe is there to distract her before she can get started pissing all over Judy's idea. Lily notices that Zoe is practically climbing on the workman's back as he packs up his tools, and she tells her not to stand on top of people like that. Lily turns away, and the guy gives Zoe a conspiratorial wink to let her know that he's not bothered by her in the least. He's cute. Grace suggests that Judy put up flyers all over town, and Judy says she's actually planning to take out a full-page ad in the newspaper. "You're kidding!" Lily exclaims, arms crossed like the schoolmarm that she is. She follows Judy to needle her about it, but Grace has the floor, saying, "So that's how you get people in here!" "A full-page ad?" Lily asks, her voice oozing with disapproval.
The workman steps up to let Judy know he's finished. She cuts him a check, and we learn his name in the process: Will Gluck. Like a big ol' swallow. The camera finds Zoe silently repeating the name to herself, like she's planning on using it later in a game of MASH. Grace catches her, and Zoe looks suitably embarrassed and even spins around to face the wall, presumably so Grace won't see her blushing. I love that kid. As Judy writes Will's check, he restlessly hops around the store and asks if she's expecting a lot of people. When she says that she is, he suggests that she make a couple of changes to the store's layout, which would free up a lot more space. He rotates the cash desk, and it's a huge improvement. Judy's thrilled. But Will's not done yet. The guy's a pistol, and he's off to the back of the store, pulling open a door and asking what's out there. It's a fenced-in area that leads to the alley. Will surveys the scene then turns and informs Judy that she's got a lot of space she's not using. She smiles at him, and you can see the wheels turning.
Cut to a raw chicken with someone's hand rammed up its cavity. "You know it's sad," Lily's voice complains. It is, you know. I think I'm off chicken for at least a week now. "I've watched her delude herself like this so many times," she condescends. Because, as we all know, Lily doesn't practice delusion. She's a feet-firmly-on-the-ground, face-your-troubles-head-on kinda gal. Rick (he's the one with his fist up the bird) points out that matchmaking is a big business. Which may be true, but it's not the reaction Lily was going for. "Oh!" she grunts. "It's just that I've lived through all this before. She has a new plan, and when it all goes kaffluey, it's my job to piece her back together again." Then she proceeds to list all the things already occupying her time. "I don't have time for her screw-ups," she proclaims. Oh, get over yourself. Besides, it's not like Judy's opening a whole new business. If it doesn't fly, what's she out, really? The cost of an ad in the newspaper. Oh, god, Lily's still not finished griping. She complains that Judy's even thinking of changing the name of the store, to "Booklovers." Again, she says it like it's the name of some porno mag with sticky pages. Rick looks thoughtful, weighing the new name. "What, you think that's a better name?" Lily whines accusatorily. Rick wisely chooses not to answer, but instead changes the subject to how people will choose one another, wondering if it'll be based on the book that they recommend. Nice one, man, you just set her off again. Lily snaps, "Exactly!" Exactly, what? All he did was ask a question. But of course, Lily twists it around, saying, "It's too complicated! Asking people to pick just one title, out of all the books they've read? Your mind goes blank." It's a little hard to pick just one, I'll give her that, but it's not exactly neuroscience, either. You like someone's picture, you like their book, you ask them out. The system's not exactly "complicated." Rick demonstrates the simplicity of the thing by saying almost immediately, "In Cold Blood." What's he getting at, exactly? Lily looks taken aback, saying, "That's your favorite book?" Unfazed, Rick insists that it's a classic. "I know, it's just that it's so dark," Lily says. She watches him attack the chicken with the cleaver, flinching a little, since you obviously cannot trust a guy who loves true-crime books. Rick says, "You know [whack], I always thought [whack] 'My Sister's Bookstore' [whack] made it sound like it was mainly for women." Lily watches the cleaver and manages to bite her tongue. That's all it takes to shut her up? He asks if there's anything else for him to cut up, and Lily watches him wipe the cleaver lovingly. (Hey, ABC, there's a bogus teaser you can use: Rick gets sick of Lily's whining and griping and...WHACK! And then, of course, we'd find out he was just chopping broccoli or some shit.)
Cut to a club, where the melancholy jazz from earlier is playing again. This time it's live, as the camera pans the drummer, a guy playing stand-up bass, and the singer, some puffy white guy in a suit who's doing a really poor job of lip-synching. He could very well be the actual vocalist, but I have my doubts that Wally from Leave it to Beaver grew up to be a jazz singer. Anyway, the camera pans over to Judy and her friend (the same woman who was in the Polaroid earlier) just walking in. It turns out it's not a club at all - it's the restaurant. The place is jammed since the review (mentioned last week) came out in the Tribune. Clap, clap, writers -- nice continuity. Judy is amazed to see the place so full. "Judy?" a woman's voice asks. It's just flaky enough for me to identify it as belonging to Tiffany, Jake's little girlfriend. She introduces herself, and Jake joins them. He and Judy are very chummy, giving one another a big friendly hug and kissy on the cheek. Tiffany is still blathering: "So, I said to Jake, 'Does she look anything like Lily?' - because I've met Lily before -- and he was like, 'No, not at all.'" She punctuates her idiocy with a giggle, while Jake looks like he wants to eat his own head. Judy, of course, takes the remark as an insult, since Lily is universally recognized as The Beauty. She and her friend exchange a look.
It's a little later, but we're still at the restaurant. Judy and her friend are seated at the bar with wine, which is good, 'cause they're going to need it in three…two…one. Jake says that the review has really turned things around for the business, and Tiffany interrupts him to start yammering on in her little bubble voice that it wasn't the review at all -- Jake really had "this vision." Jake, chuckling uncomfortably, tries to shut her up by saying, "Heh, uh, I don't know if I'd say it was a 'vision,'" but Tiffany has her convictions and firmly tells him that she knows from visions. She had one at the Blind Melon concert, where she saw a dark cloud over the singer's head and then, like, a week later he was dead (from an overdose, for those of you who don't know). Ooh, she's otherworldly! Seriously, what planet is she from? And how can Jake (albeit, no shiny prize himself) stand to spend more than ten minutes with this overgrown child?
Cut to Crusty's office where she's on the phone, talking sweetly. It's a first. She hangs up, spitting, "Damn venture capitalists!" Lily walks in at that moment and asks if something is wrong. Crusty orders her to close the door. Crusty's all wound up and, pacing, explains to Lily that about two months ago, "they swore they'd do another round of financing, and now, it's all about bringing partners in and -- you know what? I am such an idiot. I actually thought we could stay independent." ["Guess what. You are an idiot. That's why you grow your webzine slowly and don't take money from venture capitalists. Not that I'd know." -- Wing Chun] Don't worry Crusty, Lily's got the solution: lunch! Crusty, disgusted, informs Lily that she can't eat. She goes on, saying that they want to bring in a Managing Editor to bring all the business aspects together. "But that could make your job easier," Lily says. "Oh, tons easier," Crusty snaps. "Like non-existent!" She drops onto the couch and stares petulantly at the wall. Lily's brimming with support now, giving Crusty a pep talk and saying that she "can hold [her] own against some --" "Don't you understand?" Crusty snaps. Well, since she's been your receptionist for all of, I don't know -- four months? -- I'd say that "no" is a safe answer here. Oh, it's okay, it was more of a rhetorical question anyway, as Crusty explains that she's "given [her] life to this magazine, and now [she] has no life." She adds that if she were seeing somebody, it would be easier to laugh the whole thing off, but she isn't. She picks at a corn chip in a bowl on the coffee table, then throws it back and sighs, "Actually, I do want lunch."
Now, I know what some of you must be thinking. Crusty is unhappy in her personal life. She's tired of being single. And, hey, Judy happens to be setting up a little singles club. A thinking people's singles club. So Lily should tell Crusty about it, right? Everybody wins, right? Well, see, that's the difference between you and Lily. Apparently, you're not a selfish, spoiled princess. She is.
Cut to a busy café. Judy's there ordering lattes when Karen comes in. Karen re-introduces herself, and they make a bit of chit chat before Judy skips a couple grooves and tells Karen that she has to come by the bookstore because Judy's "doing this whole singles thing." She leafs excitedly through a newspaper until she finds the ad and shows it proudly to Karen. Karen compliments her on it, to which Judy replies that it cost a lot before complaining, around a mouthful of tongue, that her teeth feel really weird, yada yada mutter mutter. She looks disturbed. Karen looks blank. Judy realizes that Karen's not exactly interested in her dental dilemma and focuses her attention on the ad again. She repeats that it cost a lot. Karen assures her that it costs money to make money. Hmmm. So the ex-wife of Judy's sister's boyfriend is showing Judy more support than said sister. Interesting. Judy seems to appreciate the positivity, and she invites Karen to join the club, asking her to let Judy match her up. Karen declines, and Judy quickly adds, "Oh, are you still with that guy -- that 'too young for you' guy?" Whoa, Judy. Maybe your teeth feel funny because they're pressed up against all those toes. Karen doesn't seem to notice, though, but says she has to run. She gets away just in the nick of time, as Lily enters immediately after. As she and Judy are about to sit, the counter girl catches up to Judy to ask about the dating service -- whether it's a video thing, or what. Judy hands the girl her copy of the paper so she can read the ad, and mumbles self-consciously (and inaudibly) about it. The girl heads back behind the counter, reading the ad, and calling out the skinny to her co-workers. I think this bodes well for Judy.
Seated at their table, Judy picks at her scone and complains that she should have gotten a muffin. Without hesitation, Lily offers to switch. See, she likes fixing Judy's mistakes. Judy says she can't stay long because she promised Will Gluck -- "Who?" Lily demands. "You mean the repair guy?" Judy says yeah and explains that she's getting him to fix up the alley and adds, falteringly, that you have to spend money to make money. Lily wants to know if Judy's sure that Will Gluck is experienced enough. "You think I'd hire him if he wasn't experienced?" Judy asks, clearly offended at Lily's lack of trust. Lily levels her with a sidelong glance over the rim of her coffee cup. It speaks volumes.
Cut to Judy in the alleyway with Will, asking him if he's done this kind of work before. "Well, stuff like this," he answers. He briefly outlines his plans for the patio, which consist of clearing out the junk and stripping down a very cherry piece of vintage metal lawn furniture. Wow, Judy's really lucky that kind of "junk" was just left there. Will moves excitedly from pile of "crap" to pile of "crap," explaining with a single word what he'd like to do in each area and punctuating it with a "maybe." He looks a little nervous when addressing Judy directly. "Could you be done by Friday?" Judy asks. A huge grin spreads across Will's face, which means, I think, that he can.
Meanwhile, Lily's watching Crusty through the glass wall of her office. Crusty, it seems, has traded last year's Cindy Brady pigtails for a pair of Laura Ingalls braids. Don't get me wrong. If I could create two normal looking braids on either side of my head, believe me, I would. Unfortunately, I was not blessed with great dexterity, and one side of my head always looks good while the other looks like I let a ham-fisted four-year-old have at it. ["As niki can attest, I don't let that stop me. Heh." -- Wing Chun] Anyway, Judy pops out of nowhere, surprising Lily and me. Judy, it seems, has had a brilliant idea that just couldn't wait, nor could it be communicated over a telephone line: she wants Lily to ask Crusty to come to the book club's first night. She's convinced it's exactly what Pages Alive is about. Lily makes some really feeble excuses to put off Judy. Judy asks if Lily could maybe ask Crusty tomorrow. Lily hesitates some more. Judy says she wouldn't even ask, but she just really needs this to work, and right now is when she needs publicity. Lily forces a smile, says she'll ask Crusty, and watches Judy tear away. The second Judy's back is turned, Lily's smile vanishes. What the fuck is her problem?
We return from commercials to find that Lily has invaded the Den for Men and parked herself at Rick's desk, where she's bitching aplenty about her sister, claiming, "It's just like Judy to put me in this position." Okay, I can sort of understand why Lily might feel awkward about broaching the subject with Crusty for a few reasons: (a) if she were unsure of Crusty's situation, and was worried that suggesting Crusty check out a singles' group might somehow insult her; (b) actually, I can't think of another reason. Because if she's worried that the group will stink, all she has to do is make it clear that she has no idea whether the club will be any good, but it would mean a lot to her sister if Crusty checked it out. It would actually flatter her boss, who's feeling vulnerable at the moment, to think her presence may add something to the club's success. ["Plus, if Lily already knew when Judy asked that she wouldn't feel comfortable asking Crusty to cover Booklovers, she should have just told Judy in the first place that she didn't want to pimp her store, rather than stringing Judy along. Judy would have understood that a lot better, I think." -- Wing Chun] So Lily's bitching, and Rick is looking at a newspaper. He asks why Lily doesn't just tell Judy that she doesn't want to do it. Lily implies that honesty is impossible with a sibling, but Rick insists he always tries to be honest with his brother. "Yeah, well, not speaking to him probably helps," Lily counters.
David pops by with a bottle of ketchup, as it turns out Lily's having a side of lunch with her whine (which can't be good for anyone's digestion). He asks when he gets to meet Crusty. Rick immediately puts the kibosh on the idea, because he knows that David is four. He's certain that David has built her up to some incredibly impossible standard of physical perfection, which Crusty will never be able to meet. "That is not true!" David insists in his own defense. "Some people do measure up. They just won't go out with me." Mark that down, people -- I think it's the first honest thing David's said in almost twenty-five episodes. Rick sensibly ignores David, speaking over his head to inform Lily that it's a defense thing David uses to keep people at a distance, and he should not meet Crusty. "Why, is she really ugly?" David asks with a smirk. "Oh, David!" Lily exclaims and then asks, "What is ugly?" I can't believe she's humoring him. She goes on to ask, "What is beautiful? What about Mother Teresa?" Oh, shut up, Lily. I see your point, but get with the real world. Inner beauty counts for squat, especially when it comes to guys like David. They all think they should be dating supermodels. David makes some lame joke about giving Mother Teresa his number. And then, by chance, he spots the newspaper Rick had been looking at, picks it up, sees the ad for Judy's club, and asks, "What's this?" Oh, no. Why is he interested in attending a function with thinking women? And shouldn't you have to be, oh I don't know, semi-literate in order to crash a book club? Somehow I don't think recommending Playboy and Hustler is going to impress too many ladies.
Cut to Jake at the restaurant, where the girls -- including Tiffany -- are doing homework. Tiffany informs Jake that she's studying for her bartending course since she's planning to replace the bartender, who's leaving soon. Don't you have to be, like, a grown-up to serve alcohol? Jake looks less than thrilled by this news, no doubt since it means she'll be hanging around the place all the time and she'll be dealing with customers even more frequently. As Jake staggers away, looking stunned, Tiffany asks the bartender, "So what are bitters, exactly?" Is this supposed to demonstrate that she's stupid? Because I don't know what bitters are besides, uh, bitter. And I took a bartending class.
Judy, meanwhile, is checking up on Will's progress in the alley. He shows her a pile of "rubble" and announces that it's going to be the fountain. Judy wants to know how, but I think it's less a question than a statement of doubt. Will answers her, though, saying it's the same as with everything: "You just do it." Judy sort of grimaces and nods her head, when a voice calls out "Hi!" It's Karen, who's poking her head out into the alley.
Inside the store, Karen's looking at the picture board and she tells Judy it's a great idea. One of the photos catches her eye. "Oh, I don't believe it -- Lloyd Lloyd," she mutters. "Who?" Judy asks. Karen explains that she used to go out with him. Judy asks the question that was burning in my mind, too: his name is Lloyd Lloyd? "So what happened?" Judy asks. Karen says there was no chemistry on her part. I don't think that's what Judy meant, since she immediately asks, "So his parents named him Lloyd, knowing that their last name is Lloyd?" How the hell did I miss this little tidbit last season? My god, the poor, poor man. No matter what else you've got going for you, you're screwed with a name like Lloyd. And to get it twice? Just pack it in, man. The ladies chuckle over Lloyd's unfortunate name, then Karen catches herself and insists that he's a very nice man (please refer to my comments above: it doesn't matter how nice he is, he's cursed). Black-and-white Karen makes a three-point-two-second appearance to inform us that she felt so guilty, before the full-color Karen says she hopes he meets somebody. B/W Karen adds, "Just seeing him hanging up there...like he'd done something wrong," Judy's leveling her Polaroid at Karen and says that she hopes Karen finds someone too. Karen spins around and ducks her head when she spots the camera. She hems and haws a bit, while Judy prods, and finally Karen reminds Judy that she's involved with someone. Judy says she knows and asks if Karen will think about it. Slightly embarrassed, Karen laughs and nods her head. Judy tells Karen that Lily won't be there for the meeting later. Karen says that wasn't why she wasn't planning to come. Judy says she knows, but we all know that it really was at least a bit of a factor.
Back at the restaurant, Zoe sighs that she wishes she could go to the Booklovers thing. "Because Will might be there?" Grace teases. Zoe tells her to shut up. Jake wants to know who Will is, in case, like Jake, he also has a thing for little girls. "Will. Gluck," Grace says, pronouncing his name like it's one of those action words they draw in comic books. Gluck! Bam! Pow! Zoe rushes to her hero's defense, swatting Grace with a stack of linen napkins. Jake quickly intervenes. "Not with the napkins," he admonishes. "Use fists." He asks the girls what Booklovers is, and Grace excitedly explains the concept, adding that Lily thinks it's a big waste of money. "I think Will Gluck is nice," Zoe proclaims to no one in particular. So do we, honey. So do we. Jake muses that maybe he should do the Booklovers thing. The girls point out that he's not single -- he has Tiffany. Something tells me he's getting a little tired of The Mickey Mouse Club, though.
Later that evening, Lily walks up to the bookstore, looking nonplussed at the sight of the new name painted on the window. She flaps her hand in a gesture that I think is meant to look lighthearted but instead looks like an angry little bird and says, with a forced smile, "So, you actually changed the name of the store?" Judy's busy arranging the photo board. She apologizes, but Lily lies and says it doesn't bother her. Judy asks if Lily's talked to Crusty about the club. Lily lies again -- why not, she's on a roll -- and says she's going to. Judy points out that "it's exactly the kind of thing they're always covering." Lily says she knows, and fumbles around for an excuse as to why she's hesitating. Judy tells Lily to just admit it if she doesn't want to mention it to Crusty. Lily insists that she said she would, and she will. "It's just that everyone is always looking for ways to meet people, you know?" Judy says. "I mean, not everyone can be you and meet someone before they're officially divorced, in the carpool line at school." Ooh, I think I saw some claws flashing there, Judy. Lily looks like she's going to snap, but then thinks better of it and takes a breath. "I know," she says, twiddling her thumbs. Will comes bounding in, and Judy points out some design books she pulled for him, so they could come up with some ideas for the patio. Will says he already sort of has something in mind. Judy looks taken aback. Will bounds out again to grab something he forgot, and Lily leans in to tell Judy that he's cute. Because Judy doesn't have eyes, and she doesn't live in the world. Judy gets offended, but not because Lily's insulted her intelligence. She sullenly snaps, "I didn't hire him because I want to have sex with him, if that's what you're thinking." Lily wants to know who said anything about sex. Although, even if she were thinking that, who could blame her? It's not like Judy hasn't been known to do such things. A certain rat-faced carpenter comes to mind...
B/W Judy pops in to clarify: "That's who she sees me with -- the cappuccino-machine repair guy. While she's with the successful architect." Okay, I can sort of see how Judy might, if she were feeling particularly touchy, take the comment personally, but whoa -- stuck-up much? I like Judy and everything, but it's not like she's a neurosurgeon or finding the cure for cancer or writing recaps for Mighty Big TV. Judy adds, after a pause, "It's not like it's a competition, or anything." Well I'm convinced, if she is. That is to say, not at all.
Lily points out to Judy that she only said he was cute. "So you have sex with him," Judy says, still feeling shirty. She catches herself and apologizes. She starts to imply that her mood is being caused by all the tension from the book club launch, but then she shifts gears and starts going on about her teeth again, grimacing and swishing her tongue around for emphasis. Lily's about as interested in Judy's mouth as Karen was and suggests half-assedly that maybe Judy has a cavity or something. Judy insists that's not the problem, wriggles her tongue around a few more times, then snaps herself back to reality, telling Lily she doesn't want to pressure her, but...Lily stops her with a look and says she'll call her -- after she's spoken to Crusty. But will the phones still work after hell freezes over? Judy has no idea Lily's full of crap (and to be fair, I'm not sure Lily's consciously lying at this point) and looks relieved. Will reappears and waves a silent goodbye to Lily. He watches Judy head into the back room, wipes his hands on his t-shirt, and pulls out the design books Judy showed him earlier.
Later, at Pages Alive, Lily's just entering Crusty's office. Crusty orders her to shut the door, fast! Note to Crusty (and I could punch myself for pointing this out, but...) those jeans do nothing for you. Nothing! Unless you want to carry something on your ass, that is. So what's all the commotion? Crusty shows Lily The Ad -- man Judy got a lot of mileage from that thing -- and asks if Lily thinks she should go. Serendipity! Lily gapes at her open-mouthed as she struggles for a response. "You've lost all respect for me?" Crusty asks. (No. The Cindy Brady pigtails took care of that a long time ago. Oh wait, she wasn't asking me.) Lily assures her that's not the case. Crusty explains that her friend from the gym is going, and "it could be pretty cheesy, but, you know, you'd be in a bookstore..." Lily explains that her surprise stems from the fact that it's her sister's bookstore. An entirely too long meant-to-be-confusing-but-Lily's-the-only-one-who's-confused-because-she-thinks-anyone-cares explanation of the bookstore's name ensues, while Crusty looks at her blankly. When Lily finally explains that Judy just changed the name to Booklovers, Crusty unwittingly turns the knife: "Oh, well thank god -- it's a much better name." Crusty wonders if she should join the singles' club. Rather than encouraging her and explaining that Crusty's presence would be a big boon for Judy, Lily chooses to take the low road, saying, "The thing is, she just started it..." and implying that Judy has no idea what she's doing. Crusty, in the meantime, flops facedown on her couch and interrupts Lily to inform her that she's "desperate!" In fact, she's so desperate that she's constructed this "whole fantasy" about David. Yeah, that qualifies. No, in fact, I think that should be the new definition. In all fairness to Crusty, she hasn't actually met David, so she has no idea of the horror of which she speaks or the nightmares she's just inspired. She makes a silly-little-girl face and curls up in a ball, trying to hide her embarrassment. Lily starts to hem and haw about David, but Crusty quickly interrupts her to say she doesn't want Lily to fix them up -- "because it's always a nightmare." You have no idea, Crusty. No idea. Crusty realizes how odd it is for her to be confiding in Lily, then convinces me she has absolutely no grip -- not even a tenuous one -- on reality by saying it must be because Lily's "so unjudgmental." (Just checking, but isn't she supposed to be an Editor-in-Chief? Don't they have a dictionary somewhere among all the Nerf toys and cappuccino machines in that office?) Anyway, I snorted so loudly at Crusty's evaluation of Lily that both my boyfriend and cat jumped and looked at me like I'd suddenly gone crazy. Hey, I'm not the one who thinks Lily is nonjudgmental. Crusty gives Lily a little hug, telling her she feels like she could say anything, and Lily stiffly says, "Good." Getting back to the matter at hand, Crusty asks whether Lily would ever do the Booklovers thing. Lily spews and stutters, not saying much of anything, but still managing to convey her doubts bout the whole enterprise. Crusty slumps down and puts her chin sadly on her hand. Lily says she feels terrible, but Crusty says not to, "you know, you hear about something, and you think it's the answer, and well, it never is." Lily tells her she'll probably have fun. "But will I find what I'm looking for?" Crusty wonders. "Well, what are you looking for?" Lily asks. "David," Crusty deadpans. Lily's face drops instantaneously. Crusty informs her that she's only kidding, and that Lily has absolutely no sense of humor. Okay, so Crusty's beginning to regain her grip on reality.
We return from commercials to find a woman fingering the Polaroids on the board. It's Judy's friend from the other night. I thought her picture was the first one up there? Judy asks if she's all set, then positions the woman. "Hey," Judy says, and we see Will through the Polaroid's viewfinder. Yeah, baby, yeah. Work it. But he doesn't. And then he's gone. The woman explains to Judy what she wants this picture to capture: that she's not trying. Will notices a few discarded Polaroids on the coffee bar and, grabbing one, asks what's wrong with it. The woman says it makes her look too serious. Judy points out that her recommended book is about a suicide hotline. The woman insists that it's not depressing, and Will interrupts to ask what's wrong with being serious. They look at him but don't answer because if he hasn't read The Rules he won't understand, anyway. Judy tells the woman to pick another book -- one that made her laugh. The woman flashes her pearly whites and Judy snaps. She spins the Polaroid in Will's direction, but he just looks at her, unsmiling and unimpressed, before walking away. Judy slowly lowers the camera and watches him go. The woman is in raptures over her latest picture, but Judy is distracted, and follows Will outside. She asks him if there's a problem. Will says he "just doesn't get it. [He] doesn't understand how it works." He starts to explain he's confused that Judy told her friend to choose a different book, but she cuts him off, surprised that that's what's bothering him. He says "it's not bothering [him], it just seems kind of pointless." Judy starts to downplay what she did then changes tacks to say suppose it was her and her book. Her favorite is Franny and Zooey, but she'd never admit that on her card, because people would associate her with the adolescent protagonist who thinks she's having a nervous breakdown. "There's no connection between you and that character?" Will asks. Judy says there is, obviously. "Then that should be your book." Judy continues trying to explain why she wouldn't suggest it as her book, but Will is too busy channeling Marilyn from Northern Exposure to see her point. Judy says it's kind of hard for her to explain if he hasn't...she catches herself. "If I haven't read the book," Will supplies. "No, I meant..." Judy struggles for something to say but fails, so she goes on the defensive, saying, "Look, I'm sorry if you think it's pointless; obviously, I don't agree." She turns on her heel and heads back inside. "How come you're not up on that wall in there?" Will asks. Judy pauses mid-exit to level him with a glare. "Now who's assuming things?" she asks. He says he isn't. She says he's assuming that she's not with anyone. "Well, are you?" he asks. "No." She blows out of there, and Will resumes fiddling with whatever tool he'd been fiddling with for most of the scene.
Jake enters the store as Judy's friend is leaving. Judy finds him touching the pictures on the board in an offhand way. "Just admiring the...it's a smart move," Jake says, pointing to the board. "This isn't a waste of money." Smooth as ever. Judy wants to know who said it was a waste of money. "Whu, no -- nobody," Jake stammers. Will comes barreling through the store and distracts Judy. Jake asks who that was. "Will Gluck," Judy replies. "Oh, so that's Will Gluck!" "You know Will Gluck?" Jake sys he doesn't and then asks whether Gluck means happiness in German or something. "I doubt it," Judy says glumly. "I'll have my bartender drop by tomorrow with the wine...and...cheese," Jake says, fixing his attention on the board again. "I have no idea what the alley is going to look like," Judy complains. The two continue their separate conversations, muttering away, until Jake says, "I wonder what book I'd recommend." This gets Judy's attention. She points out that he's seeing the girl she met the other night. This gives Jake pause, but only for a second. "Ann Rule. Ann Rule," he says. "You ever read The Stranger Beside Me?" he asks. He elaborates: "It's a true-crime, like In Cold Blood. Now there's a book I could read again." Say, isn't that the book that Rick picked? What could it mean? Especially considering they're both involved with Lily...Judy doesn't really react to his book talk, so Jake relents and says, "Tiffany's great. I'm just, uh...I'm not sure she's what I'm looking for."
Suddenly, we're looking at a close-up of Jake's tightly grinning mug. To borrow a line from Road Rules's Holly: "Back the fuck up!" Suddenly, Jake's head is a Polaroid, and it's being pinned up on the board, along with his recommendation. We follow with a montage of other singles, each getting photographed by Judy. The board is filing up fast. And hey! There's Crusty!
"Thank you so much!" Judy says to the phone. "For what?" Lily asks her headset, from behind her desk at Pages Alive. Judy thinks she's being modest, and Lily figures out that she's talking about Crusty. She doesn't sound happy to learn that Crusty was there. Jake's bartender and Tiffany come into the bookstore with the party supplies. The bartender spots Jake smiling on the bulletin board, but Tiffany's back is to it. The bartender pulls her out of there pronto, before Judy can even get off the phone. Lily is still feigning enthusiasm over Crusty's appearance, and when Judy informs her that Crusty's coming to the meeting, Lily announces that she "should come to. To support [Judy]," she adds, but I don't think that's her real motive. Judy is truly touched and says it means a lot to her that Lily will be there. They hang up, and Lily makes a big display of looking stressed.
Pre-party montage. Judy checks her watch and paces the empty store, looking anxiously toward the alley. She strides purposefully toward it, but when Will sees her in the doorway, he tells her not to come out yet. He promises to be done soon. Judy's face falls. She pulls out a cigarette and starts puffing heartily. I didn't know people could still smoke on TV. The camera focuses on a close-up of the ciggie's ash as it burns down, and we hear a barrage of voices naming their favorite books. John Irving books are mentioned twice! Good, because he's underrated. The camera slowly zooms in on the board then slowly pans it, back and forth, up and down. Then we start to get shots of individual pictures accompanied by the person's voice-over, explaining their choice of book. Each portrait then blends into a black-and-white clip of the person, talking about how hard it is being single, and how it's the last thing they ever imagined for themselves. It's a really nice use of the confessionals, and knowing a little bit about the lives behind all these pictures only serves to heighten the tension and anticipation and excitement and hopefulness that's about to spill out as the party gets underway.
B/W Lily pops in for a close-up, shaking her head slowly and looking stunned. "Oh, my god," she says. "It's true."
Back on the patio, Will returns from his truck and looks at them wordlessly before heading around the corner of the patio. Judy watches him then walks back into the party, leaving Lily outside alone. Judy gets into the swing of things, introducing people and initiating small talk. She hooks up Lloyd with her friend, Deborah (so that's her name!) and leaves them chatting. Lily wanders in from outside just as Karen walks through the front door. Spotting her, Lily ducks down behind some guy -- one of the poor lonely singles featured in the black-and-white clips -- who tries to talk to her. Big mistake, pal. Lily looks at him like he's a serial rapist and doesn't say a word, just frantically backs away from him toward the back door. See, knowing how lonely and nice this guy is makes her actions seem that much more harsh. She may even have given him a complex. We cut to Crusty interviewing Judy, when Will comes up and interrupts. He softly says "hi" and then leads Judy out toward the patio, where he flips the breaker and illuminates thousands of tiny white lights. The fountain is burbling away in the corner, and the furniture is gleaming, and the place is completely inviting. Judy loves it and apologizes for doubting him. "Yeah, well, when you say you're going to do something, you should do it," he says. He follows Judy as she checks things out, and tentatively asks, "So, you doubted me?" She admits she did and starts to say, "I was…" "Wrong?" he asks softly, smiling. Judy's smile widens and is one of the first truly genuine ones I've seen on her face all night. He smiles back, and shyly starts pulling up his cord. It's not as exciting as it sounds -- he's a handyman, remember? She starts to ask if he'd like to stay, but he begs off, saying he has a dog. Judy was about to say that she hopes he's not still thinking of her goof the other day, but she stops herself to ask what kind of dog. "It's just the regular kind," he says then asks, "You hope that I'm not what?" Judy haltingly tells him she's sorry for "the assumption" she made about him the other day.
B/W Will pops up to give us a little background: "I've been on my own since I was sixteen. I lived in my car for a whole year, so I don't expect things to be fair. But there's a certain kind of woman who, when she sees me, just thinks that I'm not good enough." We get a glimpse of Will and Judy looking at one another on the patio. Is she this kind of woman? "And that's always the woman I want." Yep, looks like.
Back to the patio, where Will asks, "What assumption?" He looks like maybe he doesn't want to hear the answer. Judy says, "Oh, god. That you hadn't read Franny and Zooey." Will's busy winding his cord. "Oh. Well, I'm not much of a reader," he says, letting her off the hook with a smile. Judy fumbles around, saying he could have read it in high school (D'oh! We collectively groan…) since that's when everyone does. "I didn't exactly finish high school," Will says to the cord, turning away quickly. He grabs his box of tools and is about to head for his truck when he stops and asks her if her teeth still feel funny. She looks at him with something close to marvel. He says he heard her talking about it and proceeds to describe the very sensation that everyone else has been dismissing as Judy's insanity. She smiles widely, relieved at having found someone who can understand her problem. "It's a strange feeling," Will says by way of wrap-up, exhaling loudly and turning to go. "Does Gluck really mean…happiness?" Judy asks, as a means of stopping him. He shrugs, "Got me!" Judy's looking at him like Judy li-i-ikes. Before he goes, Will says, "Good luck with everything. I hope everyone meets their match." And he's sincere; it's not just something to say! Man, I love me some Will Gluck. I'm almost swooning right now.
Back inside the bookstore, things are going full-tilt. Jake enters, and as the camera frames him in the background, Karen fills the screen in the foreground. No, they don't get together. They don't even meet one another. So if ABC tries to tell you otherwise in the round of teasers, you just pay them no attention, you hear? Karen actually turns around and comes face-to-face with Lloyd, however. She seems afraid that he'll mistake her presence as a sign that she's available, and quickly explains that she's just there as a friend to Judy. Which is fine, because Deborah comes up holding the suicide hotline book she'd gone to fetch. She and Lloyd are buying one another their books. Looks like they hit it off. And, hey, it looks like Judy's plan to drum up business is working too.
Across the store, Jake's chatting up some young blonde thing about his restaurant, telling her she should come in sometime. He neglects to add, "So you can meet my girlfriend." He leaves to get her a drink, and the camera wanders over to David. I'm amazed his skin's not blistering and peeling in the presence of all these books. He strolls up to Crusty, who's leaning against a bookshelf, and he leans in to read her nametag. It's the moment we've all been waiting for…and, drum roll please…exactly nothing happens. "The Rules," he says, reading her tag. Knowing he's about to ask, Crusty offers, "You mean, because I like science fiction?" She reads his tag, which bears his recommendation for some obscure work on concrete. Just so he has a reason to tell all the ladies he's an architect. He smugly admits that no one's heard of his book. Crusty, in a beautiful move that makes up for all the Cindy Brady pigtails in the world, says, "Oh, I've heard of it." David expresses his surprise. "Oh, yeah," she says. "I read it in college. In one night." David deliberately downs his drink in a gulp and then finishes the guzzle in a black-and-white shot, where he says bluntly, "Not beautiful enough." Because, as I think I've already pointed out, David should be dating a supermodel. Or so he thinks. Pig. But that's okay, because Crusty has this to say, in her black-and-white clip: "Gay." Wow. That one little word, so many levels. I think I just officially became the president of the Crusty fan club. David gestures with his empty cup and begs off to go to the bar, but he doesn't offer to get her anything. Crusty is not worried at all. In fact, the very hunka hunka that passes by manages to snag her attention, and she's off in hot pursuit.
Cut to a television showing an old black-and-white film. I don't know which one, so don't even ask. Lily and Rick are watching it at Rick's place. Lily says that there's no way to justify her behavior, and she's just "in the wrong." She says it's as if "someone gave her a book on how to be in the wrong, and [she] followed the directions exactly." She glances at Rick and says, quite generously on his behalf, "You think I'm being too hard on myself." She waits for him to agree, but he remains silent. She looks surprised by this demonstration of backbone. I have to admit, I'm a little surprised myself. But pleasantly. Rick says, "I can still like you and think you were wrong." "I know," Lily answers, teary. "Sort of." Lily says she loves Judy, and she wants her to have a good life. "Just not too good," Rick suggests. He tells Lily it will be okay -- she'll call Judy in the morning and they'll make up like they always do. Lily isn't put totally at ease by this, though. Judy's forgiveness can't erase what she's just learned about herself.
Cut to Judy perched on the desk in the bookstore's back room and holding her head in her hands. Karen slips up to the door and tells Judy what a success the night has been: "People are definitely finding each other." "This was a terrible idea," Judy responds. Karen is surprised by her reaction. Judy wonders what is the point of helping other people find each other, while she's alone. Judy seems to be channeling Lily, saying she didn't think about it, she just jumped in, she has no idea what she's doing. Karen stops her and insists that she does know -- she just doesn't know that she knows. Judy confides in Karen that the man she's in love with is married. She proceeds to tell Karen some anecdote about munchkins from The Wizard of Oz that's about how rare and special it is to find someone truly like yourself, and that she'd found that in Mr. Married. And now he's gone. Karen insists that Judy come out into the store and witness for herself how successful the evening has been. Clips of people chatting, leaning in, smiling -- making a connection. Judy seems to realize what a great contribution she made tonight. Knowing that her work is done, Karen excuses herself, saying she should get home. Judy sets about cleaning up the plates and cups, smiling at everyone she passes.
Cut to Lily and Rick crawling into bed. Lily's feeling pity for all the people at the club, "trying desperately to read each other's minds, when all they really want is to be pulled down off the shelf and…" "Enjoyed," Rick says. They snuggle down for the night.
Judy's cleaning up the last of the dregs, and as she finishes and walks over to the picture board, she voice-overs: "There's all this love, that no one ever receives, like letters without stamps, or all the food that goes to waste that we just throw away." We fade over to a shot of Tiffany, sitting sad and alone at the restaurant. Then we fade over to Will Gluck, sitting in his truck looking straight ahead. "And there are people going to bed hungry, and lonely," Judy's voice-over continues. She pulls out a book from a drawer in the office, and studies a strip of photos tucked inside. They're of her and Mr. Married. Shot of Will, bolstering his nerve and reaching for the cell phone on his dashboard. The phone in Judy's office rings. Will fidgets anxiously while he waits for her to pick up. She looks again at the picture strip. Will looks at the phone, then clicks it off, letting out a deep breath. A slow, twangy version of "Somewhere Over the Rainbow" plays, so we know that Will is Judy's munchkin, not Mr. Married. Judy tears up the pictures, tosses them aside, and puts the book away. We see her smiling widely, and as the camera pulls back, we see it's because she's holding the Polaroid in front of her face. She closes up the bookstore and strolls away, swinging her keys. The camera pans through the window to the picture board, where Judy's tacked her photo. The picture springs to life and Judy explains that she recommends Franny and Zooey "because she has a nervous breakdown, and it turns out to be a really good idea." Judy's putting herself back on the market, ladies and gentlemen, and this time she's going to be true to herself. Fade to black.