Before the show starts, we're warned that this episode contains partial nudity. Since it's from the network that brought us NYPD Blue, I'm betting we'll see some naked male butt before the hour's out. And just so there's no confusion -- I'm not complaining.
B/W Lily opens the show by admitting that she has "no idea what [she's] doing." She audibly exhales through puffed cheeks. We cut to a frantic morning in the Manning kitchen, which is meant to illustrate the degree to which Lily is coming unglued. Lily tries to pack the kids' lunches while Grace ties up the phone with adolescent conversation and Zoe complains about everything Lily puts in her lunchbag. Lily repeatedly asks Grace to get off the phone and gets a lot of attitude in return. Finally, she explodes and mistakenly calls Grace "Zoe." In all her pubescent, smarty-pants glory, she informs her mother that her name is Grace. Yeah, thanks.
B/W Lily cuts in to clarify her earlier statement. Apparently she was not describing her morning with the girls. She says that she's forty, and the husband she's divorcing still comes and goes as if he lives there. In her estimation, "this is not an appropriate situation."
Jake takes his cue and barges in without knocking. He sweeps in like a conquering hero, and the volume doubles almost instantly as he booms merrily at the girls. Grace hangs up immediately upon seeing him, and the phone rings the instant it hits the base. The call is for Lily, and as she reaches for the phone, Grace snidely says, "I'll tell him to call back." "Him" being Rick, of course. Grace hovers around Lily, continuing in her established trend of being a pain in the ass. As Lily tries to talk to Rick, Grace attempts to eavesdrop and then interrupts to ask who it is. Because she's the only member of the household entitled to a life or privacy. Lily doesn't answer her, but orders her to "get to school, please." She looks across to Jake and snarks that "they're late every time [he] takes them" to school. Jake rounds up the kids and their lunches, and it feels as though there should be more than two of them with all this fuss. He can't leave without mocking Lily, though, so he scoops up Zoe, waves her hand up and down and says "Wave bye-bye mommy." Lily's got more interesting things to discuss, though, and turns her attention back to Rick, who's been waiting on the line. They compare schedules to see when they can get together, and it turns out to be five nights away. Rick thinks to ask what she's doing that night, and she reveals that she's free. Jake interrupts by popping back into the kitchen to get Zoe a new sandwich, since she's spontaneously decided that she no longer likes peanut butter. But it's not like she's spoiled or anything. Lily presses the phone to her chest and gapes at him, but Jake has no clue he's disrupting her life. "Hello?" Rick asks, puzzled by Lily's sudden disappearance.
Roll the credits and opening theme, which is a new addition since the pilot episode. I guess that isn't too surprising, since it seems every shot in the sequence has been taken from that single episode.
In the interim, Rick's made his way to Karen's house, where he's waiting to pick up Eli and Jessie so he can drive them to school. He and Karen are standing in the doorway, discussing Eli's love life. Karen asks what he knows about "her," referring to Jennifer. Rick says he thinks "she's really great" but says he doesn't know what's going on because, duh, he's the father of a teenager and obviously Eli doesn't tell him anything. Karen of course thinks "it's a problem" since "they're on the phone for hours." Eli scoots between them, and their conversation stops until he's out of earshot. Karen then adds, "I think I overheard him say 'I love you.'" "Yikes," Rick responds. They pause again as Eli heads back into the house. Karen asks if Rick will "talk to him about..." She drops her voice so low that I practically have to read her lips "...condoms." "I have to go now," answers the Voice of Responsibility. And I suspect that he's only half joking. Karen tells him they have to make sure Eli is dealing with sex responsibly, and points out that the girl "is so young." "And Eli isn't?" Rick retorts, although I'm not really sure why he's arguing. He adds a remark that implies that the girls are the ones speeding up the process, asking Karen if she's seen "those girls at school." Karen doesn't latch onto the wholly beside-the-point point Rick just made and instead says she just wants to make sure Eli's being careful. "He's my baby," she adds plaintively. Eli zooms past them again and Rick looks after him wistfully, no doubt wishing Eli was, in fact, toddling around in diapers. "I'm the dad," he says, sighing stoically and resolving himself to the fact the he's staring down the barrel of a good-old-fashioned sex talk.
Cut to Eli groping his girlfriend in the school hallway. Jennifer pulls her neck slightly away from his lips to ask how much homework he has to do that night. He tells her that there's no way he'll be able to see her, and she says that she should be able to get out by eight o'clock. Eli's story quickly changes, and he agrees that they can get together then. Grace and her friend walk past the gooey pair, and Grace casts a sidelong glance at Eli. Once they're past them, Grace resumes telling her friend the horrific story of how she discovered her mother and Rick making out on the living room couch. Her friend is adamant that it's "the worst thing [she's] ever heard." Grace makes her swear that she won't tell anyone else about her shame. Which pretty much guarantees that it'll be all over school before lunchtime the day.
Cut to David and Rick at the office, where David is, again, dispensing his invaluable lady-killa advice. "Just tell your son that it's his duty to sleep with the most attractive woman he can get and, barring that, with whoever's available." Sadly, David isn't kidding. Rick tries to nudge his partner toward actually working by asking whether they'll have to take out a loan to make payroll that month. David ignores the barb and asks that Rick not tell the kid "all the old lies." Which are? Well, that sleeping with girls is "wrong" and that "if you sleep with her you owe her something even though she'd probably already decided to have sex with you the day before anyway." Hey, David? You do owe her something. It's called respect. Don't worry, though, it doesn't cost anything and it really doesn't hurt all that much. The receptionist interrupts this disturbing glimpse into David's tiny soul by announcing that "Lindsey" is on line one for Rick. David asks snidely whether Rick's going to tell her that he's "in love with the mom." Rick points out defensively that he "just met the mom -- er -- Lily." David very graciously volunteers to go out with Lindsey and rescue Rick from the predicament he can only dream of facing someday. Rick responds with another decidedly unsubtle hint that David get back to work: "The bank just called: They're repossessing your house." David doesn't even blink as he retorts that Rick's "never going to sleep with two women at once." Like that's some kind of character flaw.
Rick's voice changes immediately as he picks up the call. Poor Lindsey doesn't suspect a thing, and she still doesn't when Rick's finished with her. With phony exuberance, Rick insists that he's got about six different things going on. Sure he does: Listening to David's crap with both ears -- that counts as two things; tuning out said crap is a third; squirming uncomfortably makes four, and turning on the charm is five. Finally, thinking of the mom while blowing off Lindsey makes six. So it's not like he's lying, or anything. Rick hangs up like the phone's on fire, and Eli saunters in and leans on his desk. "That's telling her," David snides. "Telling who?" Eli asks. Ever eager to help out, David informs the boy that his "father would like to talk to [him] about sex."
B/W Rick tells us about his first time, sort of. He says he was sixteen -- no, seventeen-and-a-half -- and that it took him a year to try again. I suspect the little heart-to-heart with Eli is going to be pretty painful.
Cut to Rick and Eli in a back room, where Rick is stammering and stumbling around his attempt to discuss sex with the kid. Just as I suspected.
B/W Rick cuts in to say he doesn't think he knew what sex was before he met Karen. I'll take his word on that, but I have to admit I'm having trouble believing Karen in the role of sexual liberator.
Rick continues trying to talk about sex, asking Eli if he knows about "AIDS...and...condoms...and all that -- stuff." Eli takes mercy on his father and quickly puts an end to his misery by saying shortly, "We haven't had sex yet." He then asks whether Karen put Rick up to the talk because he knows she "worries a lot about this sort of thing." Rick explains that girls see sex differently than boys do, and that Eli shouldn't push his girlfriend into anything if she isn't ready. Eli doesn't need any lessons on how to treat the ladies, though, since he's had "classes in sexual correctness since the sixth grade." Where do they teach "sexual correctness" and does the Religious Right know this kind of debauchery is going on?
B/W Rick keeps on going, telling us way more than we ever needed or wanted to know. He describes how he and Karen stayed in bed for "weeks at a time" and that it was like "being drunk on another person." Mmm hmm, you can just stop right there, and I certainly won't mind.
Cut to Rick and Lily having dinner in a candlelit restaurant. "My sister's bookstore," she says, and over the minute or two it becomes clear that she's referring to the bookstore she owns with her sister. It has the unlikely name of My Sister's Bookstore. She tells Rick about the business -- how her father came up with the name and wanted Lily to be Judy's partner because he always saw Judy as a flake. "Unfairly," Lily adds. Lily had wanted to go into teaching, but her father convinced her she'd make more money with the bookstore and have more time to spend with her kids. "Wrong on both counts," Lily dryly notes. They laugh heartily, leading me to believe they're both still nervous with one another, 'cause it ain't that funny. After the merriment fades, Lily leans forward and fetchingly props her chin on her hands. "What does it mean to be an architect?" she asks and practically bats her eyelashes. Rick says that it entails a bunch of boring things like "charming building inspectors, stopping clients from making mistakes, drumming up new business and, once in a while, actually designing a new building." What does Lily think of all this? Let's ask her black-and-white self to find out: "I kept thinking he has such nice hands." I'll let it slide because she already seems sufficiently embarrassed by the remark.
We join the pair outside the restaurant doors, where they're surrounded by little white fairy lights. Rick grabs her and they start kissing with a great deal of snurfing and slurping and oohing and ahhing. Rick pries himself off long enough to ask whether she really has to go home. She assures him that she does -- in seventeen minutes, to be precise -- and, realizing that their lips have been separated longer than ten seconds, they dive toward one another again.
We see them clambering into Rick's truck, which is in the restaurant parking lot, to continue the gropefest. Lily protests weakly that people will see them. Rick assures her that there's nobody around and they resume their heavy breathing. Cue a laughing couple walking through the parking lot. Giggling, Lily breaks their lip-seal and says she has to be going anyway. She observes that they're like two kids with nowhere to go. Rick quips that his parents aren't home, but Lily can't go there because her parents are waiting for her. Rick says that her parents are really strict and Lily points out that they're "nine and fourteen." She worries that it's "bad" for her to leave, but Rick assures her that they're in the same boat. Lily tears herself away with a great deal of whimpering and backward glances, just so we're all clear that she doesn't want to leave. Rick watches her retreat with a big grin.
Rick returns to his darkened apartment. Clothing is strewn across the breakfast bar, a sight that surprises Rick. He calls out for Jessie and Eli, and half a beat later Eli appears at the top of the stairs with his shirt unbuttoned. Rick asks him whether everything is all right. If by that he means "are you getting it on?" the answer is a resounding "yes," I'd say. Eli assures him that things are fine, but asks that Rick not come upstairs for a few minutes. "Jennifer is really embarrassed," he admits. No! Rick looks utterly shell-shocked and has trouble putting his eyes on Eli. Looking at some spot on the wall, he tells the kid that he needs to talk to him downstairs for a few minutes. Eli protests that Jennifer is really upset and that he should get back to her. Don't get all mushy over his sensitivity, though, because I'm pretty sure he says this only to avoid talking to Rick. You'll see what I mean in a bit. For once, Rick's not going to let him off that easily, though, and he tells Eli that he should take Jennifer home and that they'll talk when he gets back.
A few seconds later, Eli scoots Jennifer past Rick, who's sorting through some mail in the kitchen. Rick hears them coming down the stairs and turns his back. I'm not sure if it's to save Jennifer the embarrassment, or himself. Maybe both. Jennifer bravely musters a "goodbye" and Rick returns it with forced bravado. He tries to sound as if he didn't just catch her naked with his son, but he's not very convincing. As the kiddies head out, Rick plays back his messages, and there's one from Lindsey. He never did return her call at the office as he'd said he would. She lets him off the hook in the message, saying she knows he's been "so busy." Too bad she doesn't know the half of it.
Laughing, B/W Rick says the first time he brought a girl back to his apartment was three weeks after he moved out of the house. He was "so excited." Well, duh.
Eli returns with his head hung in shame. Rick accuses him of lying earlier, but Eli insists that he and Jennifer haven't had sex. "But you were going to," Rick says. Eli tells him that Jennifer "wanted to. She wanted me to make it happen." And I'll bet she had to twist your...arm...really hard, right?
B/W Rick continues the reverie: "Afterward, all I could think was 'When is she going to leave?' And then she was gone, and it finally hit me: I'm really alone." From here, it seems like a fairly obvious thing to realize, but I see what he's saying.
Rick tells Eli that he's not upset about him having sex. He just doesn't want him to feel he has to lie about it. Eli points out that he's caught in a bit of a catch-22: It's okay for him to have sex, but it's not as though Rick would allow him to do it openly. He asks what Rick would have said if he'd asked to bring Jennifer there expressly to shamboogie. Rick has no answer.
We see Rick in his room, dialing the cordless phone. He calls Lindsey, who sounds utterly thrilled to hear his voice. She asks whether he missed her, and he slides her a smooth "absolutely." He starts to say that they need to talk, but she interrupts, blithering excitedly about a new swing-dance place they should check out. Rick is saved by the beep. He puts Lindsey on hold to take the other call which, of course is from Lily. Rick flips back to Lindsey, blowing her off with an excuse about his daughter and her homework. Returning to Lily, he tosses her the same line. They commiserate over how tough it's been to get together and how, when they have hooked up, they haven't been able to be alone. Rick's phone beeps again. Since he's already gotten rid of Lindsey, and Lily's still on the line, it can only be Karen, the other woman in his life. She's looking for Eli, who never came home. Rick puts her on hold so he can put Lily off, telling her, "There's a domestic situation here." Getting back to Karen, he tells her that he was on the other line with David, trying to sort out a building crisis. Karen cuts right to it: "Just tell me that Eli wasn't over there having sex," she begs. Rick silently lets his head drop onto his bed, defeated.
B/W Lily talks about her problem with "people pulling away." She knows that it may very well be for legitimate reasons, but she can't avoid taking it personally. We hear her ask, "Am I sixteen again?" Save your breath; she's not looking for our input. She's suddenly in the bookstore, discussing her romantic issues with Judy. She tells Judy that she "agonized" over calling Rick. "You didn't call him?" Judy gasps in dismay. Lily admits her weakness, and tells Judy that something about the conversation "wasn't right." She asks whether she messed up by calling, but Judy can't make a snap decision on something of this magnitude. She needs to weigh all the facts against her knowledge of The Rules before she can determine whether Lily made a tactical error. "How many dates?" she inquires with the stern precision of a surgeon evaluating a patient. Lily worries that she wasn't "supposed" to call him yet, and Judy sagely imparts a dash of her acquired dating wisdom: "Men say they like it when women call. They're lying." Bitter much?
"She called?" David cries. "That's so cool! It means she wants to have sex." We follow the sound of his impish glee to a construction site, where Rick's angling for some advice. I have no idea why he would look to David for help. It's like asking the devil for the quickest way into heaven. Rick tries hopelessly to put the situation into perspective, saying, "I lied to three women in the space of four minutes." Naturally David doesn't see the problem, since Rick didn't get caught and "women want you to lie to them." I know nothing turns me on more.
And the Mars/Venus debate is back in the court of Judy and Lily. Judy wants to know what Rick actually said. She implies that Rick's excuse was false, and then matter-of-factly informs Lily, "Men need to lie. You can't take it personally." She waxes psychologically on the subject, explaining, "Any woman who asks them for something is automatically their mother, which means they lie just to keep a part of themselves free of your evil clutches." Again -- bitter much? Lily looks positively stunned by the revelation. She and Rick are "supposed" to see each other that night, and he's "supposed" to call her about it. She sounds doubtful. Judy eyes her appreciatively upon hearing this news. "Two nights in a row...not bad," she practically whistles. "We'll see if he calls."
Back on Mars, David unwittingly echoes his Venusian nemesis. "Wow, two nights in a row. Are you going steady?" he sneers. He fails to get a rise out of Rick, however, who's preoccupied with his cell phone. He realizes he doesn't have Lily's work number and asks David whether it's okay for him to call her at 4:30 for a date that night. "I don't know, buddy," David answers with mock gravity. "It's a pretty serious infraction. Men have landed in relationship jail for less than that." He laughs derisively at Rick's apprehension and then advises him to get a spine. Whoa. I need a moment here to fully absorb the fact that I actually share a sentiment with David. I just have to believe it will be the first and last time it ever happens. David jumps headlong off my wavelength with his remark, which is typically swinish: He suggests that Rick sleep with both of them, see which one he likes better, and then David will take the other one -- as long as it's Lindsey. So women are like ice-cream cones. How fun!
Cut to Rick making a phone call at his office. Zoe answers the call while munching on a handful of something. She disinterestedly informs Rick that Lily is at home but that she's in the bathroom. She takes a message and, since she's nine and dealing with more important matters like her afternoon snack, forgets all about it by the time she replaces the receiver in its cradle.
Over at the high school, Eli sneaks up behind Jennifer in the hallway and throws his arms around her waist. You remember, the one you can fit your hands around? The temperature drops about ten degrees, and Jennifer walks away. As he follows her, she tosses some attitude over her shoulder, telling him to ask Grace Manning what the matter is.
Meanwhile, back at the Manning house, the comedy of phone errors is just getting underway. Lily picks up the cordless, but Grace's voice comes over the line, snapping that she's on the phone. Lily tells her that she needs to use it, and Grace tells her that she needs to go bra shopping that night. Lily answers that she doesn't need any more bras, since she has seven of them. Zoe overhears Lily mention bra shopping and pipes up that she needs a bra, too. Apparently, her nine-year-old frame has been busting out in ways no one else can see. She proceeds to beg for a bra, but Lily shoots her down decisively. Zoe doesn't mind. She skips away singing, "I'm getting a bra-a! I'm getting a bra-a!" We hear Grace ask Lily if she's still "seeing that dad." "Get off the phone!" Lily barks by way of reply.
Cut to Rick pacing the length of his little galley, phone in hand. Jessie walks in to rummage through the fridge, and Rick asks whether she's picked up the phone in the past hour. Jessie's wise to him immediately, asking, "Is the mom calling?" With a wide grin she asks, "Are you calling the mom?" He's already finished dialing and gets a busy signal.
Cut to Zoe sitting on her bed with a big white bra strapped on over her shirt. She's telling someone on the phone that her "mom said [she] could get a bra." Grace walks past the room at that moment and spots Zoe sporting her undergarment. She rushes in, ordering Zoe to take it off, and Zoe shoots past her, squealing down the hallway with Grace in hot pursuit. They nearly flatten Lily, but she has enough presence of mind to reach out and pluck the phone from Zoe's hand as she screams by. She dials and we hear four long, lonely, unanswered rings.
Cut to Eli on the phone at Rick's. Jennifer's mother is relaying the message that she doesn't want to speak with him. Beep. Eli insists it's important, and the woman says she'll try again. Beep. The mother returns and says it's still no go. Eli hangs up, looks at the phone for a second, and then scrambles to catch the waiting call. D'oh! Dial tone.
Lily calls out to the girls that they're going to go bra shopping after all. Nothing like a little torture to make you forget your pain.
Cut to Rick dialing the phone. He gets Lily's answering machine after one ring and hangs up without leaving a message.
The day, we find Lily sitting at her desk in the back of the bookstore. She's resting her chin on her hands and staring blankly into the distance while some woman behind her prattles on about getting another degree. She describes her fears over taking on more debt and wonders how she'll ever pay it back on an assistant professor's salary. "Yeah, that's rough," Lily mutters distractedly. Because financial ruin is nothing compared to getting stiffed. The phone rings, and Lily lunges at it desperately. It's Rick, calling on his cell phone from the construction site. The connection is really poor, so the whole phone farce continues for a few more minutes as Lily misunderstands everything he says and then gets cut off abruptly. He calls back immediately, and they manage to sort out the day's misadventures. Their relief at not being stood up is palpable. He spontaneously invites her to join him for lunch in the five minutes. She literally jumps at the offer, leaving her desk chair toppled in her wake, I'm sure.
Cut to Grace and a group of her friends in the hallway at school. Eli busts in to ask if he can talk to her alone for a minute. He pulls her aside and her friends are all, "Ooooo, Eli!" They giggle a lot. Grace watches him hopefully while blushing furiously. "You can't just...Look, I know you're in the ninth grade and all, but you can't just start saying things." Eli says. Grace wants to know what he's talking about. He asks her why she told people they got caught making out in her living room. Grace takes a second to digest it fully, repeating bits of it incredulously. When it's clear she heard him correctly, she barks out a laugh. She tells him that she told oneperson that she caught his father and her mother making out. "You caught them?" Eli repeats. Grace says she caught them "headed in that direction." Eli now needs a moment. "No kidding," he finally says, breaking into a huge grin. Trust me, kid, it's not the kind of thing one jokes about.
Cut to Lily and Rick laughing as if they're in on the gag, but they're actually sitting at an outdoor café. Lily tells him she has a free night after all, because the school event she was supposed to attend that night got cancelled and Jake's still taking the kids. Before they can get too obnoxiously giddy, a blonde woman approaches their table and Rick jumps up so quickly at the sight of her that he overturns his water glass. She tells him that David said he was having lunch alone. Ah, that David. He's so thoughtful. Laughing nervously he, heh heh, introduces, heh heh heh, Lindsey and Lily to one another. He then races to explain how he knows Lindsey; he claims it's strictly a business thing. If by "business" he means "sweaty, naked business," then I'm with him on that. Lily recognizes the name of the realty company for which Lindsey works, and they chit-chat briefly about Lily's neighborhood. Lindsey then excuses herself, saying, "Isn't he just the greatest?" as she departs. All the ladies seem to think so. After she's gone, Rick feels the need for more justifying and stammers, "Lindsey is a...good friend. She's an old friend." He's about to go on, but Lily stops him. She clenches her straw in her teeth and pretends to sip from her iced tea while keeping her eyes firmly fixed on anything that isn't Rick. She's trying to be cool and unaffected, but she's not really succeeding.
Lily returns home to find Zoe and Grace camped out on the front stoop because Grace forgot her keys again. Jake pulls up almost immediately after Lily to take the girls for the night. They race inside to grab their things, leaving Lily and Jake standing awkwardly on the stoop. He asks how she's doing, which prompts B/W Lily into action. She explains that "Jake was always so attractive [she] didn't even like him at first." You know what they say about first impressions? Well some clichés exist for a reason. Back on the stoop, Jake tells Lily she looks like she's lost weight. B/W Lily tells us how hard it was to resist Jake's charm, especially when he pursued her as intently as he did. Which, I suppose, indicates that she still doesn't trust herself to resist him. Jake tries complimenting her again, telling her she's "skinny" and "looks great." She gets defensive. The kids emerge from the house just in time to save her from Jake's charms. She doesn't bother letting them know that her engagement at the school has been cancelled, but instead watches them leave with an expression of relief.
Eli, meanwhile, is trying to set the record straight with Jennifer. He chases her down in the hallway to let her know that he didn't, in fact, make out with Grace. She slides down the lockers and settles on the floor, admitting that she knew the rumor wasn't true. Her insecurities about Eli and sex come tumbling out, and it becomes clear that she was acting angry because she wanted to get a reaction out of him. She points out that he didn't even call her the day after Rick caught them. It also comes out that she was going to have sex with him because she thought that's what it would take to keep him around. He tells her that he'll wait until she's really ready. "Yeah, but how long?" she asks. He doesn't have an answer for her.
Meanwhile, Rick is giving David a whole steaming pile of thanks, just as I figured he would, for sending Lindsey to interrupt his date with Lily. David calmly points out that he's overreacting, since Rick has no commitment to Lily. Rick says maybe he wants one. David insists that it's ridiculous to think that way, especially since Rick and Lily haven't even slept together. He suggests that Rick test out the goods before making any decisions and, romantic soul that he is, advises that the best course of action is simply to "get it over with." He should really get a job at Hallmark.
The ladies continue the whole Mars/Venus contrast. Lily's got sex on the brain, too, but she's reacting very differently to the prospect of shagging down with Rick. She frantically runs between her closet and the mirror, telling Judy that she doesn't know how she can sleep with someone she doesn't even know. She admits that it's all been leading up to that and wonders, "What message have I been giving him?" "Slut," Judy supplies without hesitation. She's kidding, but Lily doesn't get it. "I know!" she cries emphatically. She fills in Judy about the girl at lunch, and it's obvious she's pretty insecure about the whole situation. Flying back to the closet, Lily fiddles with a belt and then impatiently throws it aside. "Have I lost weight?" she asks. Without waiting for an answer, she rattles on: "God, I've got two kids! How can I take my clothes off?" I think we're supposed to find it reassuring that even Lily, played by the gorgeous Sela Ward, has body issues, but quite frankly I don't.
"What's her body like?" piggy David wants to know, typically heading directly for the important stuff. Rick claims he has no idea. "Exactly," David rests his case. Almost. First he has to plant the ominous "two ki-ids" in Rick's mind. Rick says that he happens to like the fact that she's got kids. "Oh, you're so evolved," David says. And it isn't a compliment. He says "evolved" as though it's synonymous with "full of crap." Hey David? Shut up, already.
Lily, of course, is still freaking out at the thought of impending intercourse. She begs Judy to give her a way out of the date. Judy encourages her to go, until it becomes very clear that Lily's head could, quite possibly, begin spinning uncontrollably off her shoulders. At which point, Judy tells Lily that she could just tell Rick the truth. But that goes against everything The Rules taught us! Lily flashes her a look that impressively conveys the question, "Are you high?" Judy immediately adjusts her advice to suggest that Lily could lie. To let us know that she's tormented, Lily flits and flails around and sighs at least five times before finally picking up the phone. She leaves the old "something came up" standby on Rick's machine and then executes an odd little celebratory dance.
Cut to Rick, who's having a decidedly different reaction as he listens to her message. Crestfallen. Deflated. Crushed. Yep, that about captures his mood.
A little later, Rick's sitting at his desk poring over plans when Eli walks in. He's surprised to find Rick at home. Flopping into a chair, Eli asks the question of the ages: "What do they want, anyway?" Honestly, I'm getting really tired of this whole "us" and "them" shtick, and let me humbly suggest that, if men really want to know what women want -- and vice versa -- then maybe they should try asking one another. It's crazy, yes, but so crazy that it just might work. Toss out The Rules and drop that locker-room bullshit, and just get on with relating as human beings. Anyway, Eli embraces the fine tradition of complaining about the catch-22 that is womankind, claiming that he did something wrong by trying to do something right, and he has no idea what the problem is. Rick tells Eli that Jennifer is "just scared." He asks whether Eli wasn't a little afraid of sex himself. Eli admits that he was, but figured it was better to "just get it over with." Since when has sex become a trip to the dentist? Eli's attitude I can understand, since he's new to the whole thing. But David, who said almost exactly the same thing, really has no excuse. Oh yeah, except that he's an ass. Rick sympathizes with Eli's view, and then imparts another dose of men-and-women-are-different-animals advice, telling the kid that the genders view sex differently. Women, you see, sometimes don't know that they're ready. This statement seems like an invitation for disaster, but Rick quickly clarifies his point: Women need to know that the man is totally there and willing to be responsible for their feelings. He warns Eli that he'd better be ready for all that, or he's "just another jerk trying to get laid." Eli asks how he'll know when he's ready, and can you guess Rick's response? "Oh, you'll know." The two sit silently for a minute, and the shifts and twists happening on Rick's face make it clear that the wheels are turning. He'd been listening to his own advice. He pops out of his chair and tells Eli that he's figured out what he wants to do with his night.
Cut to Lily's door. Where the hell did you think he'd be going? She opens it with a stunned expression. He asks point-blank what "came up," knowing full well it was a line of crap. She freezes like a deer in headlights, and after a few seconds, he supplies her with an answer: "You were scared." She denies it immediately and then admits that he's right. He says they should still go out. thing you know, Lily's clambering into his truck. Rick says they should eat and rhymes off a list of possible choices. "Okay," she answers when he's finished. "Okay what?" "Okay, let's go back to your house." They look at each other as the inevitability of the evening sinks in.
When they arrive at Rick's, he nervously heads to the kitchen and starts calling out the very limited dinner options to be found in his fridge. Luckily, Lily didn't come for the food, and she tells him so. He sneaks up behind her while she's looking over his bookcase and wraps his arms around her. She spins around and instantly they're ooohing and slurping and exhaling as hard as a couple of steam engines. Suddenly, they're sprawled on the couch, and she pulls away to quip that she has "a sudden aversion to doing this in the living room, thanks to [him]." Silently, he stands and reaches for her hand.
The bedroom. Scene of the crime. They confront the bed and are intimidated. For a second, it looks like fear will triumph. Then Rick outsmarts them both by grabbing Lily and kissing her to the bed. After a few seconds, Rick's fear of the furniture vanishes, and he takes a seat on the side of the bed. He pulls Lily close, lifts her shirt, and kisses her belly. Lily's not quite over her trepidation, however, and keeps one eye on the crafty bed lurking just over Rick's shoulder. She can't take it anymore and pulls away, telling Rick that she's "not ready to..." and that she knows he understands. "Of course," he says reasonably. Breathlessly, Lily flops onto the bed to him and elaborates on her reasoning: They hardly know each other. A few seconds later, she raises the subject of Lindsey. Rick starts to explain the relationship, but he's taking too long for Lily so she cuts to the chase. She "just need[s] to know if [he's] sleeping with" Lindsey. "Not anymore," Rick says. Lily then spins off on another tangent, telling him that sex and dating and all the responsibilities that go with it are overwhelming to her; she's been out of the scene for a while, after all. She keeps saying that she knows Rick doesn't owe her anything and that she has no right to expect anything, but it's obvious that her brain and her heart are not on the same page. Rick stops her rant and informs her, simply, "From the minute I saw you at school, I didn't want anyone else." Well, that's good enough for Lily, and all her fear and concern fall by the, uh, bedside. They proceed to get naked.
B/W Lily interrupts the proceedings to tell us about Jake in the beginning of their relationship. "Get out of the way!" I yell, impatient to get back to the good stuff. Partial nudity, remember? Who cares about Jake?
Thankfully, it was a short interruption, and we're back to the bedroom, where the two are undressed and staring at each other as they stand to the bed. In a fit of originality, Rick tells her she's "so beautiful." And suddenly, we're following the camera up the length of entwined legs and twisted sheets to the promised land of naked butt. I assume that it's Lily's bum and I'm surprised because Sela doesn't strike me as the type to bare her ass on national television. But as the camera continues its journey northward, it becomes clear that Billy's the one who took it all off. It was Billy's creamy, sculpted, perfectly hairless, girlish ass. I can't help it -- I'm disturbed. Lily's not, apparently, as they grope and slurp and groan. She pauses a moment to ask if he "has something." He does. Well, he doesn't, but his son does. Whoa, turn-on! And do you get it? Do you see that clever little spin they've put on the whole kid/parent thing? Anyway, Rick races off in search of some latex, and B/W Lily uses his absence to tell us how she learned of Jake's affair. She remembers she was going over the credit-card bill and found a charge from a downtown hotel. Nice passive-aggressive maneuver, there, Jakey. Lily didn't boot his ass, however, but instead chose to overlook the situation. Hey, um, mood kill!
Rick returns with the loot, which they playfully joke about. Mercifully, it's all off-screen, because I don't really need to see Rick snap Lily with a rubber. But these two, they can't just leave well enough alone and seize the moment. Oh, no! B/W Rick's got to crash the party and dampen spirits. He tells us how his marriage just fell apart after Jessie was born. Somehow, he couldn't give Karen what she needed anymore; he couldn't even figure out what it was she wanted. He "was disappointing her every day."
Speaking of disappointing, Rick and Lily are awkwardly trying to figure out what goes where, and the instant contact is made, Lily's face changes. She's fully engaged physically, but emotionally, she's elsewhere. Rick asks if she's okay.
Ah man, here's B/W Lily again. "It's my fault," she says. She's not referring to the present sexual fiasco, but to Jake's continued affairs. She blames herself for not having called him on his many indiscretions. She's disappointed with herself for being so weak.
Apparently, Rick thinks Lily's okay, because he's in full action when we swing back into the bedroom. He's breathing rhythmically and kissing Lily's neck, but it's clear that she's completely disengaged. Funny how thinking of your weaselly ex and the humiliation he dished out can do that. Rick stops, and Lily tells him he doesn't have to. He doesn't really have a choice, though, since Little Ricky's decided to take a powder.
B/W Rick steps up just to let us know that he's dealing with his own guilt trip and blaming himself for the destruction of his marriage, thank you very much.
With tears in her eyes, Lily asks if she can "help." Rick snuffles against her neck and answers, "Uh, no." He says he doesn't know why it's happening (well, I can guess), and Lily blames herself. It's a shame, really, because clearly these are two people who need to get laid. Rick won't let Lily blame herself, though, and he rolls off so that they can talk. She admits she's still scared, but she doesn't know why, since she's been married and has had two kids. She "shouldn't be terrified at the thought of a man touching [her]," she says. Rick thinks it means he's the wrong man. She tells him that's not how she feels, and rolls over so her back is to him. Fully crying now, she tells him that learning of Jake's affairs destroyed her self-esteem, and that it's still "hard to imagine anyone else really wanting [her]." Rick wordlessly wraps his arms around her and begins planting kisses on the back of her neck. She asks if he "could be who [she] needs [him] to be." He says he has no idea, and his honesty wins him a lot of points with me. Lily's eyebrows shoot up and her eyes widen. "Hel-looo?" she asks suggestively. Apparently Little Ricky's returned. "Be quiet," Rick advises. Good advice. She rolls over, grabs the back of his head urgently, and they kiss. The camera tastefully slides down to their feet while the music, inspired by The Princess Bride, swells and drowns out their, er, sounds. It pans back up to their faces, and apparently time has passed because they're both flopped out on the pillows smiling with satisfaction. Success at last! They exchange a bit of fluffy pillow talk, of which Lily is the instigator, until Rick shuts her up again by rolling on top of her and putting her lips to better use. Bwow-chicka-chicka, nudge nudge, wink wink.