Last Christmas

S09E09

Somehow, Angela seems to have forgotten all about the annual Christmas party. Must have other things on her mind. The staff is left scrambling for ideas for something to throw together and even Dwight gets in on it, suggesting a traditional Pennsylvania Dutch celebration. Jim backs Dwight's idea -- primarily so he can laugh at it -- and Pam strong-arms the party planning committee into letting it happen. Dwight rises to the occasion, providing disgusting traditional food and wine and dressing up as "Belschnickel," a character from German folklore who apparently shows up a couple of weeks before Christmas to scare the kids straight by whacking them with sticks. Your basic Schrute family tradition, in other words. As the party proceeds, he hands out gift-giving bowls and some presents that appear to have been scrounged from his garage. But Jim has to duck out early to spend the night in Philadelphia before his first day at the new job and Dwight takes it pretty hard. Even harder than Pam does.

Pete apparently doesn't have anything better to do than to recite to Erin the entire script of Die Hard, which he apparently has memorized verbatim. While that's going on, Erin gets an email from Andy, who has apparently reached Bermuda. He's also reached an existential crisis and appears in no hurry to get back. So Erin decides to actually watch Die Hard with Pete, and doesn't protest too much when he puts a comforting arm around her after she cries. No reason I can think of that she should.

Elsewhere in the office, Darryl thinks Jim has forgotten his offer to help him get a job at the new company, and gets pretty deeply into Dwight's wine. Jim returns after realizing he can take an early morning bus instead and spend the rest of the day and evening in Scranton. Darryl confronts him, only to be told by Jim that he's setting up an interview moments before Darryl passes out. Good thing the interview's not today.

Also, Nellie gets herself buttonholed into a long, dull conversation with Toby about his jury gig on the Scranton Strangler case and eventually becomes desperate enough to kiss him so he'll shut up. But when he kisses back, it looks pretty sincere. Better than all the talking, anyway.

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Jim sits at his desk, acting overstressed about a shirt he packed. Apparently he's leaving early today to get to Philly for his first day at his new job, after what he THs will be "a real good night of restless sleep and nervous puking." So he's not even acting. Dwight mocks Jim's fears (though in a way that still lets Jim get the upper hand) and adds, "Don't wear the blue striped shirt. It makes your neck look like an old mop handle." Jim looks over at Pam, who nods gently.

Erin suddenly remembers that the Christmas party is today. Everyone's pretty surprised, as the camera pans over at a leftover paper turkey decoration as shorthand for how the Party Planning Committee has clearly dropped the ball. Kevin realizes they're not going to have a Christmas party this year, and Angela defensively says they shouldn't blame her for something they all forgot, just because she's the head of the Committee. Oscar loudly backs her up, and THs that he didn't realize how many of Angela's opinions he agreed with, "until she tried to have my kneecaps shattered for sleeping with her husband." After some more fretting from the employees, Dwight suggests an "authentic Pennsylvania Dutch Christmas," which apparently involves a lot of depressing-sounding stuff with German names. Jim excitedly goes along with that, even though others try to shoot it down. Angela blows her whistle and calls an emergency meeting. "I'm on it," Pam whispers to Jim on her way in.

The impending Christmas party prompts Pete to make a Die Hard reference in front of Erin, who has never seen it. Pete's shocked, never mind the fact that the movie probably came out before either of them was born. Kevin joins Pete for a quote-off, which Pete mistakenly humiliates Kevin at. After he leaves, Erin accuses, "Nerd!" because apparently Pete memorized every line. Erin dares him to prove it, and Pete says, "You don't like flying, do you?" Erin thinks he's changing the subject, but he's already begun.

Jim is talking to some of the other employees in the kitchen about the new company when Darryl comes in asking pointedly, "Sure you remembered everything for your trip?" In a TH from his office, Darryl reminds us that Jim mentioned this to him two months ago, but hasn't said a word since. Back in the kitchen, Darryl is still trying to jog Jim's memory when Toby drags the subject back around to the alleged Scranton Strangler, who he still thinks is in jail for crimes he may not have committed. As Jim and Darryl clear out, Nellie asks what he's talking about, and soon finds herself stuck in a conversation about it as Stanley is the last other person to leave the room, telling her, "See you Christmas." Toby says he could start at the beginning, "but I think I need to go farther back."

By M. Giant

In the conference room, Pam is exhorting her fellow party planning committee members to take risks. "And yeah, Dwight's party is going to be terrible. Maybe." But it could also be great, she says. And that's really all she's got. Still, it's enough to convince Phyllis to get on board, probably in part to erase the memory of her Moroccan Christmas. Angela insists on having her name taken off it, and Oscar loudly agrees.

The committee emerges into the bullpen and announces that they're doing Dwight's Christmas. Dwight celebrates loudly, and Pam gives Dwight one important rule: "There are no rules." "You have never been cooler!:" Dwight tells her excitedly. Jim's almost as excited as Dwight is, though for different reasons, and in a joint TH with Pam, he says, "Best. Christmas. Ever." We go to ads, at which point I realize there were no opening titles at all this week. Is someone really mad at Ed Helms or something?

Dwight blows a trumpet to announce the start of the Christmas party. Amenities include a punch bowl full of "glow-wine," also used to sterilize medical instruments, which even Meredith can barely drink. Lifting the ladle, he announces, "This is the very spoon that guided my soft skull through the birth canal." Over by the window to the conference room, Jim and Pam gingerly examine a loaf of meat that Dwight comes over to identify as a "hog-maw," which he reveals is a stuffed pig stomach. And after it's all gone, they'll get to break the pig rib. "Weird," Meredith brays, demanding sugar cookies and karaoke, and Dwight explains how it's "austere... cookies and toys and sweets are mere distractions." He also shares that a candy cane is modeled after a shepherd's crook, which tastes not like peppermint but sheep feces.

By M. Giant

Later, Jim and Pam are thrilled to watch Dwight read from a book while holding a candle. Jim excitedly runs out to hear the rest of the German poem, at which point Dwight interrupts to claim he hears something on the roof, then pretends to have to run to his car, "to take a dump," an obviously transparent ruse that just makes Kevin with for a car-bathroom of his own.

Pete's still reciting the Die Hard screenplay, while Erin follows along online and calls him on a mistake, which he maintains is the error of the fan transcriber. You'll notice that all my transcriptions of this show's dialogue are always 100 percent accurate as I'm no longer a fan.

Erin suddenly runs out with her phone, because she got an email from Andy. She excitedly reading-heads, "'What up, Shorty? We got in last night, sold the boat, went out, got drunk, saw Life of Pi, got super depressed and introspective. Gonna hang out here a while. Maybe a couple of weeks. Figure this whole life thing out. Maybe see Hobbit.' Wait." Erin, now considerably less excited, returns to Pete to hear the rest of the movie. He tries to continue, but the mood has changed, and Erin wants to actually watch it right now, and she's ready to leave. "I probably got a copy or two in my car," Pete offers. And all Gabe ever drove around with was Asian porn.

Toby appears to be explaining to Nellie the difference between sunlight and moonlight.

Kevin is enjoying what he thinks is the "hog-mama," until he finds out it's actually hog-maw. His horror is interrupted by the entrance of Dwight, dressed as some furry, dirt-smudged, bearded backwoods madman wielding a wooden switch and saying judgment is nigh. "Yes! He is nigh!" Jim cries excitedly. Apparently Dwight is dressed as "Belschnickel." In a twisted German accent, he goes around the bullpen talking about how he's her to find out who's been good and bad. "So he's kind of like Santa, except dirty and worse," Jim concludes. Dwight insists he's better because nobody fears Santa the way they fear Belschnickel. The man knows his Machiavelli.

Dwight is accused of making all this up, because we'd expect nothing less from the originator of Recyclops, but Oscar is looking up the character on his phone and confirms that he's as real as Saint Nick. Offended, Dwight drops the accent and complains, "Now you believe in Dwight's traditions? When some democrat looks it up on Wikipedia?" Oscar reads on that Belschnickel has a sidekick character who is usually performed in blackface. Stanley objects wearily but firmly, and Dwight says they don't stick to everything. And then of course he ducks into the conference room to send a text. Nate from the warehouse, in a Renaissance costume and blackface, receives it while crossing the parking lot and does a quick one-eighty.

Out in the parking lot, as Jim gets in a taxi, Jim complains to Pam, "Now I'm gonna be all whipped for my first day at work." He says goodbye and thank you to her, adding that it was the perfect Christmas party. She sadly kisses him goodbye, and he's off. She mopes back inside, not unobserved by Dwight from the window above. No wonder Pam's disappointed; she's married to an idiot who thinks it's a good idea to take a cab to Philadelphia.

Dwight angrily trashes some party stuff, and the camera follows him to meet Pam as she's coming out of the elevator. He tells her that the party's over, and if you quit on Christmas, Christmas quits on you. He adds to the camera before the doors closes, "and guess what, kids? Belschnickel isn't real! It's me, Dwight!" Yes, I know I've been referring to him interchangeably as Belschnickel and Dwight all this time, but that's only because I went back and did some editing after my first viewing.

Back at the office ,the gang is quickly throwing together a makeshift but more mainstream party using leftover decorations, the results of Oscar's goodie run, and Phyllis's eggnog, which makes her feel like a hero.

Nellie is trying to escape to the party, while Toby starts into a whole new chapter of his tale that begins, "Forget everything you thought you knew about fingerprinting."

Darryl is increasingly, sloppily drunk. Dwight returns to the office, back in his regular clothes but still with Belschnickel-dirt on his face. He sits down across from Pam, who's also moping over Jim's departure, but she says she liked his party better. Dwight isn't convinced, and remains butt-hurt hurt that Jim didn't even stay to the end.

Darryl pours bottled into the punchbowl while Nate looks on, still wearing some makeup (honestly that's the only reason I figured out it was him in the blackface earlier), and then THs, "I'm going to tell Jim to go fuck himself." Good. Someone needs to once in a while.

Still watching Die Hard, Erin asks Pete, "Do you think Andy would ever jump off an exploding building tied to a hose for me?" Pete thinks definitely. Erin begins crying, and he puts a comforting arm around her. "I'm still Andy's girlfriend," she says angrily. It's not Pete she's mad at, though. "But you can leave your arm," she adds.

Out in the bullpen, most of the other employees are having fun, but Pam and Dwight are still missing Jim, each in their own way. Jim himself enters, and Pam happily walks toward him for a hug, but Dwight beats her to him. Jim asks him what's going on. "Last time I saw you, you were whipping me out of the building." Dwight shushes him and says it's time to break the pig rib. "I'm going to dig it out of the trash!" Pam asks Jim if he missed his bus, and he says no, "I just missed my wife." He gives her a big kiss, and after Dwight produces the pig rib, he adds, "And I found out that there's a bus at 5:00 AM." Okay, that's love.

By M. Giant

Nellie is trying to escape to the party, while Toby starts into a whole new chapter of his tale that begins, "Forget everything you thought you knew about fingerprinting."

By M. Giant

Soon everyone is excitedly witnessing Jim and Dwight each pulling on the end of the pig-rib like a wishbone, except the breaking is accompanied by marrow flying everywhere, on everyone. "Back for more, huh?" Darryl grumps drunkenly from his office. Soon he comes charging into the conference room, accusing, "You!" Jim cheerfully tells Darryl, "Before I forget again, I talked to the guys about hiring you." In fact, they're setting up an interview. Darryl takes this in with alcohol-slowed reaction time, and passes out on the food table, which collapses beneath him, covering him in eggnog. "Very impish," Dwight smirks. On the bright side, Jim is probably going to have to give Darryl the good news a second time.

In the tag, Toby is trying to continue his story until Nellie shushes him and whispers, "Stop talking." She literally can't stand another second, but Toby misreads the situation, asking, "Are you going to kiss me?" "Yes, "Nellie whispers, and gives him a peck on the mouth. And then he whips off his glasses and kisses her back hard, pinning her to the fridge in a very un-Flendersonian manner. She in turn wraps her arms around him in a way that suggests she wouldn't mind him opening his mouth under these circumstances quite so much.

M. Giant is a Minneapolis-based writer with a wife, a son, and a number of cats that seems to have settled at around two. Learn waaaay too much about him at Velcrometer, follow him on Twitter , or just e-mail him at m.giant[at]gmail.com.