It's the annual Christmas party at Dunder Mifflin, and Andy has made the classic rookie mistake of making himself the Santa who grants everyone's wishes. Seems innocuous enough, since so far most of the wishes are like Meredith's for a designated driver. But there could be problems with Andy's wish that everyone try to get along with his girlfriend Jessica. Well, one problem, named Erin.
Andy also puts his hard-ass hat on (literally, I'm afraid), and tells Jim and Dwight that since Kathy has complained about them, they need to stop messing with each other or he's going to take away one of their Christmas bonuses and give it to the other. Predictably, that leads to a reverse prank war where Jim and Dwight each take turns alternately trying to frame and/or entrap the other. It's as silly and immature as it sounds, but sometimes it's nice to hear an old song sung in a new way.
Robert California is also at the party, and he's pretty down (or at least his version of it) over his wife leaving him. He mans the bar, and enables Erin in getting her drunk on. In vino veritas, as they say, and also in shots, apparently. So Erin tells Andy her wish that Jessica were dead.
Also, Darryl invites Val from the warehouse up to the party, but he gave her such a wrong impression about it that she totally shows up overdressed. She's embarrassed, at least until Darryl changes into a tux. Could be something about to happen there.
Erin unleashes Kelly on Jessica, with disappointing results. Andy tells Jim that he's lifting the threat of changing their bonuses so they can stop with the latest form of shenanigans, only Jim purposely forgets to tell Dwight, who just goes on pranking himself. Robert finally cuts Erin off and then gets a little creepy with her, to the point where Andy follows them home in Meredith's van, but Robert ends up behaving himself. So now Andy can drop off his hammered employee and go home to his girlfriend with a smile on his face.
Andy's dressed up as a beardless Santa in his office, and he boasting-heads that he'll be the first office Santa ever to make wishes come true. In the conference room staff meeting, Stanley gets all worked up about Andy's choice of the word "Holiday," and goes off on a rant about past Christmases at the office, including the Moroccan Christmas
Short credits. I hate that.
Back to the meeting. Andy brought his bike so he can grant Meredith's wish for a designated driver, and bought Dwight an acre of beachfront property on the moon. Beachfront, no less. "Santa's" own wish is that they all get along with Jessica -- Andy's girlfriend that they all (and we) have yet to meet. Erin THs about how much she loves Jessica even though she's never seen her. "We don't even need to meet! Stay home!" Up at Reception, Kelly supportively offers to be mean to Jessica on Erin's behalf, because she was going to anyway. Robert comes in looking mildly disheveled and wishes Erin Merry Christmas and Kelly a happy Hindu holiday. Kevin rolls up and engulfs Robert in a bear hug, his idea of sympathy over Robert's wife leaving him. Robert actually appreciates it, what with it being ten days since he had sex. Yeah, hug over. Andy comes out and promises that their party will cheer him up. Robert rants about the Black Eyed Peas at the Corporate party and declares Andy's Santa suit "heartbreaking."
Andy pulls Dwight and Jim into his office, changes from his Santa hat to a Hard Ass hat (complete with stuffed butt-cheeks over the bill) and says someone wants to change desk-clumps. Apparently they two of them are driving Kathy the temp crazy. They start to scuffle right there, but Andy snaps, "Respect the hat!" He threatens that if either of them messes up again, he'll give both their Christmas bonuses to the other. That should calm things down.
Jessica, who is not played by an actor I recognize but seems normal and even attractive, walks in and introduces herself to Erin. "We don't say hi," Erin says coldly. "We hug." After running around the desk and doing so, she says they all want Jessica there. "M' ex is meetin' m' sex," Andy THs, which is always scary, especially when he puts it that way. "And not just because you think they might talk about your penis. That's just part of it." Andy rolls up and says he hopes they aren't talking about that, and introduces Jessica as "an assistant cross-country coach at Bryn Mawr." Erin is awed, and Jessica politely calls Erin the backbone of the office. Which causes Erin to go into a whole lame scoliosis routine. Did I just use the phrase "lame scoliosis?" I'm really sorry.
Down in the warehouse, Darryl finishes training Val on the baler before inviting her up to the Christmas party, suggesting that people get pretty dressed up. Although the half-deaf guy thinks Darryl's inviting him.
Jim returns to his desk to find Dwight's keys, wallet, and cell phone on his desk and a blank e-mail open on his computer. Idiotically, Jim makes a move, until he spots Dwight watching him from the hallway. He THs that Dwight's trying to entrap him. "Now I can't drink at this thing. I get really pranky when I drink."
Robert is bartending in the conference room and pours five shots -- one for Erin (who ordered a Kirkland soda) as a challenge. Erin shotguns it and asks for another. Andy looks a little worried in the background.
Jim reads his credit card number into his phone, complete with security code. Yep, Dwight takes the bait, as Jim tells us in a TH. "To send a two-hundred-dollar bouquet of flowers. To my wife. From me." Dwight just cackling-heads.
Holy crap, look at Val! She shows up barely recognizable in a fancy party gown. Darryl pulls her aside and says he didn't mean that dressed up. "You usually dress like a Ghostbuster," he explains. Not helping.
Erin's doing some impressions at the party and getting laughs, but Andy's worried about how many drinks she's had. "A thousand," she chirps. Andy suggests a break, and she coldly suggests he mind his own business. "Just kidding!" she grins before scampering off.
Dwight brings the party to a screeching halt by calling everyone's attention to the injury he just sustained as a result of "someone" stashing a porcupine in his desk drawer. Yep, that's a real porcupine. Jim wonders out loud who has access to a porcupine. Dwight suggests that someone is trying to set him up. Toby suddenly hijacks the entire episode with a digression about his latest mystery novel featuring Chad Flenderman. Jim gets things back on track by pretending to call Animal Control and make like he's relaying questions to Dwight from the operator: "Where you quilled? And what's its name?" Dwight's answers are yes, and Henrietta. So is this subplot over then?
Erin takes a break from dancing to group-hug Andy and Jessica inappropriately before going back for "another reverse-spit." "That's the girl you dated?" Jessica asks Andy uncertainly. Andy says she's not always like that, and excuses himself to see if he can get Erin something to eat. While Jessica watches through the glass wall, Erin shares her Christmas wish: "I wish Jessica was dead." Andy tries to give her an out, but Erin doesn't want one. "I wish she was in a graveyard! Under the ground! With worms coming out of her mouth!" Andy takes offense, and the other partiers start to take notice as Andy yells at her to get over it and take her wish back. Erin refuses, and says Andy promised he would make their wishes come true in an e-mail. "So which one are you? A murderer or a liar?" Andy just walks away. How is that a hard question?
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Phyllis tells Val she looks like a princess and not to listen to what anyone's saying. Again, not helping. Jim wanders up to a cluster of revelers that includes Andy and shows them a photo of Cece that's been vandalized to make her look even more like the devil. Oscar and Phyllis get all upset on Jim's behalf, and Andy goes so far as to say this is enough to get Dwight fired. Jim backpedals so quickly he doesn't even have time to think about the time Dwight didn't get fired for discharging a handgun in the office. "So maybe it was me who did it by accident," he says, backing away. "I'll figure it out. I'll get to the bottom of it. Merry merry!"
Dwight replaces the iPod in the conference room with his boombox and cues up exactly what I expected him to: Trans-Siberian Orchestra's "Carol of the Bells," which Trash and I refer to as "Angry Christmas." His air-thrashing clears the women out of the room and triggers a musical montage of people giving each other their Secret Santa gifts, intercut with Gabe Creed, and the deaf warehouse guy joining the air-thrashing. Erin does more shots with the girls, and Henrietta snacks on cheese on a table. "YEAHH! CHRISTMAS!" Dwight screams.
Jim finds Andy sitting alone in the kitchen. Andy wonders if two people who aren't sleeping together can stay friends. Jim's pretty sure they can, but Andy has his doubts. The good news is that he's decided to leave Jim and Dwight's bonuses alone. "Be yourselves have fun, and try not to let it affect your work." Jim agrees, and even offer to tell Dwight for Andy, who is not at all suspicious.
Erin comes and finds Kelly in the annex wile Ryan's trying to clean the Kardashian viruses off her computer. "Game on," she says. Kelly: "On it." Out in the bullpen, Kelly walks up to the group Jessica is laughing with and asks if she just farted. "And that is how it's done," Kelly THs. About the level of subtlety we should have expected.
Erin tells Robert at the bar, "I would like another alcohol." Instead, Robert invite Erin for a walk and leaves the bar to Oscar, who immediately goes all prima donna on it. Outside, Robert bonds with Erin over their broken hearts, but has no advice to offer, what with his three acrimonious divorces. "I was hoping you were gonna me feel better," he says as he reaches for her. Oh, EW! Andy may or may not be seeing this form the conference room window. I may or may not be wishing I weren't seeing it at all, except for the "may not" part.
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Toby is talking to Val about Chad Flenderman when Darryl walks in wearing tux. "Whoa, we got a real Clarence Thomas here," Creed says. Look at that - Darryl is finally helping.
Andy sees Erin and Robert coming back into the office as Jessica tells him goodbye, although she doesn't get while Andy can't just put Meredith (now half-conscious on the floor) in a cab. Andy explains the wish thing, so Jessica steps over her and Andy hauls her to her feet. "Thank God Erin's getting a ride home with Robert because she is trashed," Andy THs with Meredith hanging from his arm. "And who better to drive her home than Robert? I mean, what a standup guy. You know, he's going through a lot. Separated from his wife. Showing up at the Christmas party in a tracksuit and a blazer." Out in the parking lot, Robert's getting Erin in his Corvette while Andy stuffs his bike and Meredith into her hoarder-mobile. And Dwight has just finished spray-painting "JIM IS AWESOME" on his own Trans Am. Clearly he didn't get the memo.
Andy is driving Meredith through what she dimly realizes is the "posh part of town." Seeing Robert and Erin outside her house, Andy pulls over, telling Meredith to "shut your drunkhole." Robert hugs Erin goodnight, and we hear him giving her some hangover advice. So, not really all that creepy. Any more. Meredith asks Andy, "What are you smiling for? Are you thinking hat I'm thinking?" Andy is so not.
In the tag, Dwight pretends to wake up from a nap with the word IDIOT Sharpied on his forehead. Well, the IDIOT isn't pretend. Jim, in a TH, wearing a Santa hat and holding a drink: "Oh, man, I was supposed to tell Dwight something." Merry merry, everyone.
M. Giant is a Minneapolis-based writer with a wife, a son, and a number of cats that seems to have settled at around two. Learn waaaay too much about him at Velcrometer, follow him on Twitter , or just e-mail him at m.giant[at]gmail.com.
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