Robert tells Andy in a moment of panic not to hire his wife Susan under any circumstances, even though he apparently already told her she could work there. So now that she's in the office, Robert makes like he really wants Andy to find her a job. Andy resists as politely as he can, but Robert plays it to the hilt, and Andy doesn't do hilts, so he gives in and hires Susan anyway. Which is the opposite of what Robert really wanted him to do, so now he's in trouble and has to fix it. He enlists the rest of the staff (save Jim, who's not down) to be mean to her so she'll leave. She gets the message that she's not wanted, but through a combination of her knowledge of Robert and Andy's complete lack of guile, she figures out that the message is actually being handed down from her husband. So Andy's soon on the spot again, trapped in a room with both of them, torn between ratting out the CEO to his wife and…well, not. Jim gets dragged into it and everything. The situation isn't exactly resolved, per se, but one thing is certain: Susan isn't going to be working at Dunder Mifflin any time soon.
Also, Dwight has decided to open a gym in the building, to turn "fat into cash." His first crack at it looks more like an office full of beet farm equipment, but he straightens it out after getting some feedback on it from his first customer, Darryl. Who admits, under threat of being crushed by a barbell, that his goal is to look good for Val from the warehouse. Dwight, doesn't entirely get the message, but he promises to make Darryl "the buffest dude Val Kilmer has ever seen."
And after a day of being in increasingly uncomfortable situations with the Californias, Andy is so relieved to be done with them that he accidentally accepts a date with Susan California. So, you know, the irony is that he's really not done with uncomfortable situations with the Californias at all.
Dwight has converted to a standing desk, and is lording it over everyone, of course. He says they all look like they're in a suicide cult. "No, no, no, you're way off on that one," Creed says authoritatively. Noticing that despite all his boasting Dwight's back and feet are beginning to show signs of strain, Jim decides to make a big deal out of how Dwight has proven he's better than all of them, and will never go back to sitting. After Dwight gets busted by Darryl in the break room trying to steal some butt time, Jim returns to find him back at his standing desk, humming comfortably. Must have something to do with the pole coming out of Dwight's pant leg, bearing all his weight. Jim pretends to lamely prank Dwight by grabbing the cash out of Dwight's pocket and throwing it on the floor, calling, "Prank!" and then daring Dwight to bend over and pick it up. Dwight won't admit he's sitting, so Jim gets in close and whispers, "You know I have to do this." "I know," Dwight whispers fatalistically, just before Jim sends him toppling sideways to the floor.
Jim is standing over Andy while he's floridly signing papers in his office when Robert bangs on the office window in a completely unfamiliar state: panic. Without even bothering to come in, Robert freaks, "In four seconds my wife is going to be coming through that door. I told her she could work here. Under NO circumstances can that be allowed to happen!" Then we overhear him greeting her as she enters and disingenuously asking how she missed the elevator. Jim tells a confused Andy, "He wasn't talking to me, but if I were you, I wouldn't hire his wife." Can we just skip to the part where Andy hires Robert's wife because we all know it's going to happen?
Ryan is bragging about how his "Dream for a Wish" foundation will destroy the competition when Robert clears his throat in front of the bullpen and introduces "Mrs. Robert California," played by Maura Tierney, who's dressed in the exact same colors Robert is wearing. She says to call her Susan, and Robert introduces her to Andy and asks him to show her around. "Find a place where she'll shine," he smarms. Andy warns that they're fully staffed, but Robert, with a wink, says to look for a fit first. Andy figures he'd better go through the motions.
Dwight enters Darryl's office to let him know he's opened "Dwight Schrute's Gym for Muscles" right there in the building. "Your path from obesity begins right here." Darryl THs about how he's been wanting to live long enough to see a black president. "I didn't realize how easy that would be." So now he says he wants to see all other kinds of presidents. What he doesn't say is what the montage shows, which is him holding things in front of his middle whenever he talks to Val. Dwight THs about how "obese people" are a drain on building resources, "but a gym turns fat into cash."
Andy leads Susan away from Ryan (who mistakenly calls him "Brian" and earns a THed "Bitch!" from Ryan for it) and shows her to Reception, which he says is pretty well covered. Robert says two secretaries might seem impressive and then ducks out, leaving Andy confused. He takes Susan over to Jim, who he's counting on to talk about what he hates. Jim, who you'll remember is the only other person who knows what's going on, starts talking about sales being "the world of rejection," until Dwight horns in and says it's the second-easiest job in the world. "Being a mom," he asides. Thinking quickly (at least for him), Andy invites Dwight to talk about his hobbies, social skills and ranking of animals, but even that doesn't seem to scare Susan off. Andy THs about how everyone in the office is being nicer to Susan than they ever are to him. "What I wouldn't give for one of Phyllis's room-clearing farts right now."
Dwight lets Darryl into the gym, which is a vacant office equipped like a barn, with pretty much the heaviest crap Dwight could get from Schrute Farms to here in his Trans Am. "This is not a gym, this is like a scene out of Saw V," Darryl says. Dwight shows off some of the stuff and starts going over the deliberately confusing rates, but Darryl's only response is, "Make a real gym." [Note: In all fairness, that dedicated phone book ripping station seems pretty intense. -- RS.]
The Californias are in Andy's office as Susan talks about some of the departments she's considering, but Andy's insisting they're all full up. Robert lays it out: "I am the CEO and I am telling an employee of mine what to do." Andy: "Let me beat around the bush for a second." Susan finally gets the hint from Andy and agrees to let it go, to Andy's great relief, but Robert keeps pushing until Andy finally chuckles, "Welcome aboard!" Robert gives a happy laugh, which ends in a subtle but unmistakable death-glare at Andy. Maybe you oversold it a little there, Bobby.
After the ads, Andy's going over steps with Susan when his phone rings. "Say, 'Hello, Grandma,'" Robert orders into his ear. He continues to give Andy step-by-step instructions for pretending to talk to his grandma while berating Andy for disobeying his initial instructions and concluding, "Undo this. Undo it." Andy hangs up without responding, explaining to Susan, "We promised we'd never say goodbye."
After having some actual (rental) exercise equipment wheeled in -- that very day, of course, because Dwight is so efficient about upgrading his space when it has to fit into an episode that takes place in a single day -- Dwight heads up to the bullpen to try to drum up business for his gym. "As if I don't have enough drama," Oscar mutters. There are no takers, so Dwight goes back to Darryl. He THs about how you build a business: "You gotta get the black people to do it to get the white people to do it. Then you gotta get the black people to stop doing it. One step at a time."
1 2 3 4
Toby's in the back doing intake paperwork with Susan when Andy announces to the bullpen that "Robert doesn't want his wife working her, so now that she is, we have to drive her away." They're surprisingly not up for being mean to her at first, except for Erin. "I know exactly which stapler to give her," she says purposefully. Susan ends up crammed up against the corner of the desk between Oscar and Kevin, the latter of whom gives a whole mean speech. Or his version of one. Jim has his own thoughts about this, which he shares in a TH: "No, I don't think we should be trying to make this place seem unpleasant. I think we should let this place just crush her spirit by itself. I mean, it knows what it's doing." Which is why the only person who's left in eight years is the boss. There's a scene in the break room where a bunch of them (except Jim) go out of their way to make her feel unwelcome, and Susan THs that she remembers hating the boss's wife too. "Of course, she was married to Robert."
Susan goes to Robert in the conference room and reports to Robert that no one seems to like her. Robert immediately jumps up and calls Andy in to fix it, then uses some lame excuse to rush out and leave Andy alone in there with Susan. Susan calls Andy out on not wanting her there, and he struggles to not tell her the truth, which tells her what she wants to know. "My husband can be a very difficult man to read, can't he?" she asks. Andy jumps on that, which totally implicates Robert. "Got it," Susan says. Oops.
Down at Dwight's Gym for Muscles, he gives Darryl a hard time for starting slow. "Is that the same principle you apply to Buffalo wings?" He promises to make Darryl look like LeBron James. "It's LeJon Brames," Darryl corrects without missing a beat, completely fooling Dwight.
When Robert returns to the conference room, Susan announces that she won't be working there any more, but the way she says it is clearly an accusation against Robert. This escalates into an argument between the two of them while Andy sits there uncomfortably, but Robert is heroically keeping up the façade. He even tells Andy to tell Susan the truth, which Andy, idiotically, does. Robert: "You lying son of a bitch!"
Back from ads, Robert makes Andy tell Susan he was lying, which he does, but she doesn't believe him now. Andy repeats the truth, adding, "Jim knows, he was there!" Outside, Jim, who has been eavesdropping, leaves his chair like it's a fucking slingshot. When Robert comes out looking for him, Erin explains, "He just rolled out and crawled out." Robert makes Erin call security, and that's how Jim ends up trapped in the parking lot while Hank closes the gate. Robert, Andy and Susan come out to find his abandoned car while he's climbing up to the roof, losing a shoe in the process. "Creed, I was never here, all right?" Jim says once he gets up there. "What about your friend?" Creed asks before going back to flying his RC helicopter.
1 2 3 4
Dwight's trying to play Darryl's personal trainer, but Darryl doesn't want to lie down and stretch his pelvic bowl the way Dwight insists on demonstrating.
Robert and Andy ambush Jim in the attic and drag him back down to the conference room to sweat him in front of Susan. "I think you know what we want to know," Robert prompts him. Jim says he doesn't want to get into the middle of this, but he thinks it's just anxiety about working with a spouse. He and Andy think that's the end of it, but Susan pins him down and repeats the question. Jim comes clean: "My wife works here and I love it. She literally makes me work harder, she makes me smarter, she makes me remember why I'm here." He adds that she's on maternity leave but he'd love to see her. "I don't know how this helps but it's just what I'm thinking." Yeah, it's really not helping Robert at all. Robert dismisses Jim, so now it's just Andy and the Californias, until Andy realizes this is the moment to make his escape. Later, Susan leaves the office...alone. Before following her out, Robert puts a hand on Andy's arm and gives a nervous chuckle, like they just got away with something together. Well, at least Andy isn't in trouble with the boss any more. On the other hand, the boss has now been revealed to be as crazy as all the other bosses.
Out in the parking lot, Susan apologizes to Andy, who says they all wanted her to work there, "except for him. Especially me." Susan agrees that they hit it off, and says something about different circumstances, which Andy agrees with. "Maybe after all this settles down," she says. "Totally," Andy agrees, not at all knowing where this is going. "It's a date!" she chirps. Yes, it went there.
The tag is of course Dwight yelling at Darryl during his workout, because that subplot hasn't been wrapped up yet. Finding himself trapped on the bench under a heavy barbell, Darryl asks for a spot, but Dwight's making this a drill-sergeant moment, pushing to know what he really wants. Darryl basically just wants the barbell off himself before he dies, but he finally admits, "To look good for Val," as he manages to rack the bar his own self. Dwight doesn't get why Darryl cares about Val Kilmer, but at least now he has a goal. "I am going to make you the buffest dude Val Kilmer has ever seen." Uh oh, now that Top Gun volleyball scene is going to be on a continuous loop in the gym.
M. Giant is a Minneapolis-based writer with a wife, a son, and a number of cats that seems to have settled at around two. Learn waaaay too much about him at Velcrometer, follow him on Twitter , or just e-mail him at m.giant[at]gmail.com.
1 2 3 4