When Robert California orders Andy to put an end to the branch's myriad mistakes, Dwight senses an opportunity. Having suddenly become a computer genius, he instantly devises, installs and implements a software program that will monitor everyone's errors. If five mistakes are made in one day, an e-mail will automatically sent to Robert California containing a consultant's report recommending a closing of the branch, along with every snarky remark that everyone in the office is too stupid not to put in their work e-mails. He calls it the "Accountability Booster," but everyone else calls it the "Doomsday Device." I call it no better than they deserve, if they can't keep their CEO-bashing strictly oral.
In any case, the staff doesn't make it to 3:30 without racking up five mistakes. Everyone pleads with Dwight to shut down the device before it automatically sends the e-mail at 5:00, but he not only refuses, he goes home. While Andy leads an away team to Schrute Farms to reason with him, it falls to Jim to go find Robert at the racquet club and try to intercept the e-mail, if it comes in, while everyone else waits at the office for the hammer to fall. Dwight doesn't seem receptive to the group's overtures, but Pam employs a light touch, flattering Dwight and joking around with him until she's confident he'll shut down the device on his own.
In the warehouse, it's safety training day, so we meet some of the new warehouse crew. One of them is an attractive young woman named Val, who Darryl (single again) seems to dig, and who could blame him? Alas, Gabe has also set his cap for her. He hijacks the safety meeting in an effort to impress Val. It looks like Darryl's going to turn it around on Gabe, but when Gabe clumsily asks her for a date, it turns out she doesn't date coworkers. So I guess Darryl's lucky Gabe found that out for him. It also means Val is quite the anomaly at this workplace.
And yes, Dwight shuts down the device. Good thing he was able to do so remotely.
At five to five, Andy flickers the lights, does a cheesy bartender impression, and turns on a boom box playing "Closing Time" by my hometown boys Semisonic. Andy Talking Heads that this is his end-of-day tradition, to cap off the day and keep people from having to go home and deal with a night that just feels like more day. Or, Andy, you could go on a 32nd date with your imaginary girlfriend. But instead, Andy apparently insists on going around and loudly singing along, even as people are trying to do work. Andy makes Pam sing along, even though after 105 days of Andy being manager (which means 105 repetitions of the song), she still doesn't know the words. Seriously, he does this every day? But apparently this is the day he gets mad at everyone else's lack of participation and decides no traditions, like that's going to upset anyone at all. Then Stanley comes in from the kitchen, happily crooning along. Stanley THs that he'd never heard it before and didn't care for it, but given that it means it's time to go home, it's his new favorite song. So it looks like that'll be enough to keep Andy going on indefinitely. I'm sure everyone else appreciates that a lot.
Andy and Robert California (I don't know why I always feel the need to type his whole name, but I do) are enjoying an awkward pause in the conference room, then suddenly both start talking. Robert blows past Andy's attempt at a conversation-starter about favorite Iron Chefs to say he's not happy with the ticketing reports, whatever that is. Apparently the office is rife with mistakes. When Andy tries to launch into an explanation, Dwight comes in and sits down with his notepad, like he was called in. But that bulling into things the way he does doesn't really work on Robert, so Dwight slinks out.
In a TH, Dwight blames his misstep on a dream he had last night about a world where Number Two is the most valued position. "As with all my dreams, I'm guessing it was about my fear of immigrants." Back to the plot, in which Robert points out a costly accounting error just as one example. Andy's digression into whimsically characterizing the whole accounting department prompts Robert to say, "Sometimes I feel like you don't know me at all." Andy readily agrees. Robert makes his point: "End the mistakes." If Andy does that, they can talk about Andy's nicknames as much as Andy wants (which Andy takes as a promise rather than the dry mocking it's intended as. Robert's out, but not before delivering a parting shot about Andy's understanding of Iron Chef: "Sometimes I feel like you don't know food at all." Indeed, the list of things Andy doesn't know at all is a long one.
It's almost 3:30 when Angela and Oscar realize he made an accounting error. That's the fifth strike. Stanley breaks out his retirement bottle while everyone else commences freaking. Andy asks Dwight what happens now, and Dwight says the e-mail goes out automatically at 5:00, unless he enters his password. Andy's like, okay, good plan, do that then. But Dwight refuses. In fact he yells at them for sucking so much, complaining and trying to hack into the system. They yell right back, en masse, and Erin even goes so far as to call him a crumb-bum. Dwight asks Andy to back him up, but Andy won't any more. The yelling starts anew, as Kelly and Erin shriek right into his face. "Good luck finding a new job, idiots," Dwight says calmly. "I'll make sure to write you a glowing reference. Glowingly negative!" Ooh, burn.
After the ads, Dwight has left, and Andy puts together an away team to go to his house and talk sense into him. Pam ("Dwight really likes you and your breasts are enormous," he explains, earning a modest smile from her that Michael wouldn't have gotten for the same remark until season six or seven) and Kevin are going along. Andy also dispatches Jim to go find Robert and try to intercept the e-mail, which is probably his best move since becoming manager. Jim asks where to find Robert, and Erin thinks Robert's at a club where you either play or eat squash. "I'll try both," Jim nods.
At Schrute Farms, Andy, Pam, Kevin, and Erin find Dwight in his overalls, digging a giant hole in the yard. Andy makes a peace offering in the form of a gas-station ball cap, which Dwight rudely throws in the dirt. So yeah, he's not receptive to their overtures, but when they offer to help him dig the horse-grave he's working on (that's not my joke, that's literally what he's doing), he lets the non-pregnant ones take up the extra shovels he brought out to dig by himself and join him. "If you hit another horse, you've dug too far," Dwight says.
At the club, Jim pretends to run into Robert while there for a "squash meeting" and quickly rips the label off his brand-new racquet before challenging Robert to a game. Or, as Robert corrects, a match. Sometimes I think Jim doesn't know squash at all.
With the grave dug, Dwight's about to head inside by himself to eat, when Pam wrangles an invitation inside for the rest of them to have some water. Dwight agrees, if they all take off their shoes except for of course Kevin. Pam compliments the house, and Dwight drops a little history on the part they're about to enter. It happens to be place's newest addition, built in 1808. "It doubled as a tuberculosis recovery room until 2009."
Jim's in Darryl's office so we can learn that Darryl and Justine are very much off again, just in time for a hot new warehouse worker to stick her head in to remind Darryl about the mandatory warehouse safety meeting that day. Darryl tries to blow off, but she's serious (and hot), so he's in. On her way out of the office, Gabe intercepts her and tries to chat her up, poorly. Literally all he has to say is that Mondays suck. Not as much as Gabe's game does.
Dwight brings Andy a possible solution to the mistakes problem, in the form of a fat accordion file. After failing to get the file open, Dwight just gives the bullet: it makes everyone accountable for everyone else's work. Andy has doubts, which Dwight pretends to be wounded by, asking if he hasn't been a reliable number two. "You're the deuce I never want to drop," Andy assures him. And he gives Dwight the green light. Way to get played like a recorder, Andy.
Gabe asks Toby to start some new office-relationship paperwork for him, since his earlier talk with Val from the warehouse went so very well, in the world that exists inside Gabe's head. "There was attraction in at least one direction," he says. Toby's not so sure he needs to get started, but Gabe seems confident. In a deluded, totally unconvincing Gabe way.
Andy has everyone gathered in the conference room so he and Dwight can explain the new error reduction system, which Dwight calls the "Accountability Booster." If there are five mistakes in the office in one day, something bad happens. The example Andy gives is blocking Minesweeper, like it's 1994, but Dwight's thinking more about an automatic e-mail sent to Robert California, containing a consultant's report from last year recommending the closing of the branch. First we've heard of it. It'll also include a copy of every negative e-mail everyone has sent about Robert California. Seriously, doesn't Dwight realize they all know better? Oh, it turns out they don't know better, because it is 1994. Dwight reads a few examples, like this one from Kelly: "He eats his yogurt like he is punishing it for disappointing him. P.S., we should kill him." Jim characterizes Dwight's new system as a doomsday device, but Dwight says it's all about accountability, and encouragingly tells them they can do it. Which they disagree with, and probably rightly so. Dwight THs, "They're making me out to be a Bond villain. I like to think of myself as a brilliant scientist, who will stop at nothing to remake the world, like...Not Dr. Moreau, someone good. Dr, Frankenstein! Dr. Jekyll! Not them. Dr..." Ads.
Andy quietly voices his doubts to Dwight in his office, who says the device will force everyone to improve. Andy's convinced, so he goes out into the bullpen to give everyone a pep talk. Some aren't convinced that it's for real, so Oscar makes a mistake on purpose. A screen pops up with an X in the first box, meaning they have four strikes left. Well, okay, that proves something's watching them, but it doesn't prove there's a bullet in chamber. Only one way to find that part out. And I think we all know it's going to happen anyway.
Darryl's trying to run the safety meeting down in the warehouse, which Gabe shows up for to try to impress Val. He's gotten the idea from somewhere that she likes a good putdown, "So I will be milking that hard," he THs. He gets right to it, modeling Darryl's support belt, which he says looks like a hula hoop on him. "The Michelin Man called, he wants his cummerbund back," Gabe adds. That one wasn't bad, actually.
Up in the bullpen, there are already three Xs on the Reception desk when Phyllis says a refund needs to be done by five. Kevin's on it, but Angela reminds him to get back on his "project" for an "important client" who "wants to know how paper gets made." Oscar's making Angela nervous by insisting on doing math in his head instead of using a calculator. Andy tries to be positive, and after pointing out that three mistakes is "pretty terrible," Dwight agrees that he sees improvement: after keeping someone on hold for thirty minutes, Meredith's hard at work. I wonder what computer she's sitting at, because it doesn't even have Solitaire up on it. And what the hell is this software Dwight invented, because I think they used to use a similar system on Quantum Leap
. Jim asks Dwight if he'll feel good if the doomsday device goes off and they all lose their jobs. Dwight breezily claims that he's so sure that won't happen that he hasn't even considered it. Well, at least it's been thoroughly thought out.Later, Dwight busts them all trying to hack into the system and shut it down, but he's surprisingly cool about it, even impressed with their teamwork and dedication. "You apply those to your regular work, you won't even notice that the device is there. Watching you. Ready to strike."
Down in the safety meeting, Gabe hands Darryl a C-note and sends him to get coffee. He means it as a putdown, but Darryl turns it around, not only accepting the errand but also taking Val along to help carry.
It's almost 3:30 when Angela and Oscar realize he made an accounting error. That's the fifth strike. Stanley breaks out his retirement bottle while everyone else commences freaking. Andy asks Dwight what happens now, and Dwight says the e-mail goes out automatically at 5:00, unless he enters his password. Andy's like, okay, good plan, do that then. But Dwight refuses. In fact he yells at them for sucking so much, complaining and trying to hack into the system. They yell right back, en masse, and Erin even goes so far as to call him a crumb-bum. Dwight asks Andy to back him up, but Andy won't any more. The yelling starts anew, as Kelly and Erin shriek right into his face. "Good luck finding a new job, idiots," Dwight says calmly. "I'll make sure to write you a glowing reference. Glowingly negative!" Ooh, burn.
After the ads, Dwight has left, and Andy puts together an away team to go to his house and talk sense into him. Pam ("Dwight really likes you and your breasts are enormous," he explains, earning a modest smile from her that Michael wouldn't have gotten for the same remark until season six or seven) and Kevin are going along. Andy also dispatches Jim to go find Robert and try to intercept the e-mail, which is probably his best move since becoming manager. Jim asks where to find Robert, and Erin thinks Robert's at a club where you either play or eat squash. "I'll try both," Jim nods.
At Schrute Farms, Andy, Pam, Kevin, and Erin find Dwight in his overalls, digging a giant hole in the yard. Andy makes a peace offering in the form of a gas-station ball cap, which Dwight rudely throws in the dirt. So yeah, he's not receptive to their overtures, but when they offer to help him dig the horse-grave he's working on (that's not my joke, that's literally what he's doing), he lets the non-pregnant ones take up the extra shovels he brought out to dig by himself and join him. "If you hit another horse, you've dug too far," Dwight says.
At the club, Jim pretends to run into Robert while there for a "squash meeting" and quickly rips the label off his brand-new racquet before challenging Robert to a game. Or, as Robert corrects, a match. Sometimes I think Jim doesn't know squash at all.
With the grave dug, Dwight's about to head inside by himself to eat, when Pam wrangles an invitation inside for the rest of them to have some water. Dwight agrees, if they all take off their shoes except for of course Kevin. Pam compliments the house, and Dwight drops a little history on the part they're about to enter. It happens to be place's newest addition, built in 1808. "It doubled as a tuberculosis recovery room until 2009."
Darryl and Val return to the warehouse with the coffee, bantering a bit. Gabe, seeing his window about to close, makes his move, inviting Val to go drink wine with him at the cemetery. Even in the face of such a tempting offer, Val says she doesn't date coworkers, and as Gabe offers to quit, Darryl gives the camera a look. Then he THs that it's a good policy. Aw. Too bad he didn't have that policy before he started dating Erin.
Jim plays squash like Herman Munster, but without the strength.
The people at the office are stressing out about the time, as Oscar says there are only fifteen minutes left. "Now you can do math?" Angela snaps. "Where were you two hours ago, Beautiful Mind?" Stanley proposes a plan begins with a client petition and sadly ends with "Shove it up your butt." Aw, I remember when this show used to do callbacks.
At the farm, Dwight and the others are sitting around his table eating pie. Pam stops Kevin from sneaking up behind Dwight and hitting him on the head with a frying pan. Kevin must have finished his pie first. Pam, who spilled something on her shirt, lamely cracks that "Pobody's nerfect." Dwight rags on her, "Nice stroke, Pam," so Pam just explains the joke, which Dwight seems to appreciate. Andy tires to get back to the point, but Pam calls him off. She's now so certain that Dwight will cancel the e-mail on his own that they end up leaving without saying another word about it. Dwight waves from the porch, saying, "Sive drafely."
Jim suddenly stops playing squash to get what he pretends is his phone, which is of course Robert's. Robert can tell, by how Jim got it out of Robert's bag. Jim doesn't manage to get away with deleting unread the e-mail that just came through, or with breaking the phone by throwing it in a bad toss to Robert. As Robert checks the phone, Jim nervously asks if it's anything interesting, but apparently it's just spam. Jim figures he's done, but now it's Robert's serve. Well, at least Jim's getting a squash lesson out of it.
Driving back to the office, Pam gets a text that the device has been stopped. The message is relayed to the office, where everyone celebrates like they're on the bridge of Galactica. Dwight shares some closing thoughts as he digs the gas-station cap out of the horse grave: "They're not my favorite people in the world. I wouldn't even call them friends. They come over here, eat my pie, dig the crappiest horse grave you've ever seen. God, I'm going to have to work with them forever, aren't I?" But for now, he's enjoying some time in his rocking chair, on the porch, in his new dirty cap. Best his hair's looked in seven years.
The tag is a Jim vs. Robert gag reel in the squash court. Can't question Krasinski's commitment to falling down and hurting himself, but I didn't need to see the actual floor-burns, dude.
M. Giant is a Minneapolis-based writer with a wife, a son, and a number of cats that seems to have settled at around two. Learn waaaay too much about him at Velcrometer, follow him on Twitter , or just e-mail him at m.giant[at]gmail.com.