Jim, Toby, and Gabe are in charge of interviewing the candidates for the new manager. Will Arnett claims to have a plan to double profits, but won't share it, because it's made up. Some old guy wants to nickel-and-dime them. James Spader's confidence is so overwhelming it might actually be for real. Darryl's completely unprepared, relying on his reputation. Ray Romano sabotages himself. Andy is… Andy, and causes Gabe to have a meltdown that gets him busted back to Florida by Jo. And Kelly is in the middle of getting blown off when Dwight, who until now had checked out of the process completely, demands an interview. But as Jim says, that's obviously not happening.
Other candidates: David Brent is in another Office universe, and extended contact between his and ours will damage the space-time continuum (also, he's a dick). Jo's friend Nelly is clearly insane. Dwight poses as an unrecognizable burn victim to fool Jo into interviewing him. She's not fooled, but she tells Jim to interview him anyway, because she likes "a little bit of crazy." Jim thinks it's just a formality, but when it turns out that Dwight's bought off Kelly (who has taken Gabe's place on the search committee) and a staff-wide discussion goes off the rails, Dwight may be back in the running after all.
Also, Angela's state senator boyfriend proposes, and the rest of the office decides against telling her he's gay… for now. Erin is not Phyllis's long-lost daughter, and when she asks Andy out, he turns her down. Pam has her hands full trying to contain whatever damage Creed seems bent on doing as the interim manager. And the new manager? We're not finding out this season. Although it probably isn't going to be Jim Carrey.
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A silver sports car screeches into the parking lot with the personalized plate NEW MGR, and out steps Creed, smarming about how it's a beautiful morning at "Great Bratton" and tossing the keys to an imaginary valet. There's a little montage of Creed as manager, where he asks Jordan to find out what language the gibberish he's speaking is, runs empty meetings, and writes nonsense on a whiteboard in the bullpen. Pam, in a TH: "We need a new manager."
Truncated credits, in which Creed adjusts a ceramic sumo wrestler figurine on the manager's desk, where Dwight had a little shogun before and where Deangelo had a little southwestern figurine before that and whatever came before that is lost in the mists of prehistory.
Looks like the search his in full swing. Jordan is taking photos of candidates to Reception, Creed is leading some kind of hippie groove-in in his office, and the search committee (Jim, Toby, and Gabe) are interviewing Will Arnett. Like Dunder Mifflin is going to hire a guy in a $7,000 suit, COME ON! (I'm going to try not to keep doing that). Will Arnett is claiming to have a three-step plan to double their profits, but isn't about to share it for free, unless he gets the job, although they negotiate him into giving up part of one part: "Color-code SUD documents TM." They don't look entirely impressed, which leads into Jim's TH about how they're the search committee. "Not everyone we meet will be good, but someone's bound to be, right? And to be honest, I think a lot of the decent candidates are right here in-house." Looks like Andy, Kelly, and Darryl have their power suits on, for example.
Darryl THs his advantages: an existing relationship with Jo, management experience, friendship with Jim, "and it doesn't hurt that I'm...BLAAACK."
Andy is campaigning like it's for class president, hanging posters and wearing an "ANDY FOR MANAGER" pin. He downplays it to Erin, saying the Bernards tend to go for things, "And in defeat, we show grace." Erin's totally in his corner, though. Andy THs about how you don't get things for yourself in his family, the housekeeper gets it. "So I guess you could say this job is on my list and we'll see what Rosa comes back with." Andy leaves the room, and Erin turns to Phyllis, who's been overhearing, asking if there's any word. Erin's quite excited. And then there's a TH in which Phyllis reminds us that she gave away a child around the time and place that Erin was "borned." Erin's more excited about it than Phyllis, who points out that Porky's also came out that year. Erin shrugs, "I'm sure I was just another Porky's baby, but why not find out?"
Dwight is looking slovenly at his desk, snacking and reading the want ads from behind a patchy beard. He wants a manager job anywhere else, even at Breadworks. "Bread is the paper of the food industry," he tells Pam. "You write your sandwich on it." Now I want to write a sandwich instead of a weecap.
An older candidate is dickering with the search committee about compensation, including gas and phone. Apparently that's Warren Buffett, so this would have been funnier if I'd known that. Okay, probably not.
Angela is inordinately happy to be asked out to lunch by "The Senator" at the botanical gardens. "Don't eat any berries you don't recognize," Kevin advises knowledgeably.
James Spader, playing a guy who used to sell offshore oil drilling equipment, explains to Toby how it doesn't matter what you're selling. "There is no such thing as a product... there is only sex." Toby's convinced. Gabe is concerned that Spader might be overqualified, but Spader says he wouldn't waste his own time. Jim nervously remarks on Spader's confidence, (read: redolent arrogance) and how that would work with communications with subordinates. Spader instantly reads Jim's concern that he won't be heard. "Do you feel heard right now Jim? Do you have a voice right now? You can answer me." Jim does, and Spader says it's up to the steamrollee to be steamrollered. He even steamrolls Jim into agreeing that he would never let himself be steamrollered. Then he smirks at the camera, and at everybody in the bullpen as he exits, and at the camera some more. Jim: "He creeps me out, but I think he might be a genius."
Time for Darryl's interview. Andy wishes him luck on the way in. Cut to Darryl riffing to the search committee on mammals and milk, and getting up before the official interview actually starts. Gabe gives him an out by letting him play it off as a joke, and Toby stats by asking about how Darryl would handle interpersonal conflicts. "I thought that was your job," Darryl says, and ends up floundering when they press him for an actual answer. And seeing another black candidate being shown in throws him even more. Not to mention Jim's request for a resume, which Darryl didn't even know he had to have. Not like him to be so unprepared, since he's been positioning himself for this for about a year.
Down at Dwight's Caffeine Corner, he lurks at a table while overhearing a conversation between Spader and another candidate played by Ray Romano, who's just arriving. Spader says, "It's awful up there. Those people seem like they're in prison, waiting out life sentences in a dying industry." But Romano gets in the elevator anyway, where he THs, "If I get this job offer, then I know that I'm gonna take it, and if I take it I know that I'm never gonna quit, and then 25 years are gonna go by and then...I'm gonna die here."
From his table, Dwight asks Spader how he can judge a place after an interview. Spader stares at him, figuring him out on the spot. Or at least pretending to. As for what Spader knows about paper, he says he saw how it's made on Sesame Street. "Get out, "Dwight hisses, and then vowing-heads, "I'm gonna prevent inferior men from sullying my place of work with their weak, passionless leadership. Do you see my hat? No. That's because I just threw it in the ring." Okay, but whatever you want to accuse Spader of, I don't think weakness and passionlessness are among them.
Upstairs, Ray Romano is purposely bricking the interview, asking the committee about relocation costs so he can move away from Scranton so as not to run into any coworkers. Then he breaks out his lunch and digs in, explaining about how all the people at his current job are jerks. Toby apologizes for whatever they did to offend him, and Romano looks shaken. "Why did I believe that weirdo in the lobby?" he THs afterwards. "These are the nicest people I ever met."
Angela returns to the office with a ring that she acts fake-modest about: "What am I Naomi Judd?" She tells the gang about how The Senator got on one knee and asked her to be a senator's wife. Pam laughs at how he referred to himself in the third person, and Angela mocks, "Not everyone is as informal as you and Jim. 'Oh, hey, Pam, whatever dude, wanna marry me?'" Angela goes on about how the paparazzi showed up and everyone was crying, "Even his aide." Oscar THs, "Angela's engaged to a gay man. As a gay man, I'm horrified. As a friend of Angela's, horrified. As a lover of elegant weddings, I'm a little excited. But overall, horrified." I'm horrified to hear Oscar refer to himself as a friend of Angela's.
Jim calls in Andy, who asks his deskmates for a pep talk. Phyllis comes up with, "I hate to see you disappointed." Erin THs that Andy should be the boss. "If I'm being objective, then Darryl, of course."
Andy's first suggestion for change is streamlining communication. Gabe purposely interprets this as an accusation against Toby, who didn't take offense at all. Gabe explains how he has both a personal and professional relationship with Andy, that he keeps separate. Personally, "he's a rat," and professionally, "He broke up the happiest couple in this office." Back in the interview, he keeps firing nonsensical questions at Andy until he loses it. Cut to Andy in his car, saying to no one, "I am unhappy with the confusing and at times confrontational nature of that meeting. I wanted it to go better. I wanted it to go better!" Tell it to Rosa.
Darryl's on the Microsoft hotline, asking where Clippy is to help him write his resume. I can't believe Darryl got through to a human. He deserves the job for that alone.
Creed's on the phone with a client, saying they're going out of business. "How is this on me?" Pam THs. Because she's the only one overhearing it, is how, and it's not like she has anything else going on. She tells Creed to hang up and gives him two identical photographs that Corporate supposedly needs to find seven differences in. Creed is ON IT.
Kelly is talking about how much she's learned managing her department, which admittedly is just her. "But I'm not easy to manage," she points out. Gabe wants to move on, and Kelly takes exception to not being treated like a "serious candidate." Jim and Toby leave Gabe hanging until he gives in and asks her weaknesses. "I don't have any, asshole," Kelly snaps, giving everybody's dream answer to that question. Just then in charges Dwight, shorn and dressed up and demanding an interview.
Down in the parking lot, Dwight tries a little small talk with Jim before cutting to the chase, which is that even though Jo blocked Dwight from the job for life, "The hand that reaches from the grave to grip your throat is the strong hand you want on the wheel." Dwight tries to bribe Jim with late arrivals, free coffee, unlimited sex breaks with Pam, and "Erin will eat garbage for your entertainment." Although tempted, Jim points out that he can't recommend Dwight after Jo took the job away from him. "You'll regret this," Dwight warns. Jim's cool with that, and even lets Dwight open the door for him.
In the break room, Oscar tells Pam that Robert, The Senator, Angela's new fiancé, is gay. Pam's skeptical, and asks if Oscar saw him at a bathhouse. A what? "The windowless building by the Baskin Robbins," Pam says. That's clearly news to Oscar, but Pam was only fishing anyway.
In the annex, Pam is huddling to Oscar, who's calling his friend at the Scranton Blade. Ryan wanders by, and apparently he's known the Senator is gay all along: "He liked my Facebook photos at three o'clock in the morning."
The search committee has none other than David Brent on Skype. "Occupation, inspirer. Status, none of your business." He gives a whole arrogant speech ending with "When do I start?" How did he get an interview in the first place?
Phyllis is giving Erin romantic advice, telling a story about how she laid in wait in Bob's office every day wearing nothing bit cat ears, until he showed up in a dog nose and they did "bestiality." Phyllis offers some motherly advice: "If you want someone, if you really want them, go get them." Erin THs, "I do really want him."
Darryl hands his resume to Jim and asks about the "other" candidate. "Deshawn Williams?" Jim guesses, and then proceeds to mess with Darryl: "He invented an app that invents apps. Fantastic kisser--" When Darryl asks him to be serious, Jim assures him that Darryl's interview isn't as important as the others'. Good thing, too.
A British woman (Catherine Tate, as it turns out) is talking about how she'd take down the cubicle walls, eliminate titles, and when Jim questions that, she flips it on its head, talking about firing someone every month and getting a little hostile into the bargain. She's already lost them when she starts going on at length about the "Zen office" concept that she's clearly making up on the spot.
In the kitchen, Jim messes with Oscar, Meredith, and Stanley by saying he's just going to randomly pick someone at the end of the day. Stanley, unamused, says he worked for his last boss for fifteen years, and won't last another fifteen years at his current dietary and sexual lifestyle. "Oh, no, Stanley, you'll live forever," Ryan murmurs without moving his lips, less convincingly than if he'd said nothing at all. Stanley says his boss will be his last, so he wants Jim to take it seriously. "You pick a crappy boss, you're responsible for my crappy life," Meredith adds on her way out. Jim says he's taking it seriously, and Oscar storms out after Stanley and Meredith anyway. Ryan offers some advice: "Take a day off from the whole Jim schtick. Try caring about something. You might like how it feels, James." Wow, getting advice on sincerity from Ry-Ry has to sting.
Jo shows up with bags and two entirely different dogs (or maybe not, I don't recap dogs) to hand off to Gabe. She sees Darryl's resume on top of the pile on Jim's desk, and remarks on the four-page length -- four pages. "Is this the same Darryl Philbin who's had two jobs in ten years at one company?" Darryl has stepped out of his office to try to save the situation, but she remains unimpressed with the jargon in the document and his claim of moving 2.5 billion units. Or, in other words, pieces of paper. Dwight jumps up to ask for a word. "Or what, you're gonna shoot me?" Jo cracks. Dwight laughs and asks for an interview. Jo obliges. Question one: "Ever shot a gun in the office?" Dwight says it's complicated. "Yeah, but see, it's not," Jo says. End of interview.
In the break room, Ryan, Kelly, Oscar, Phyllis, Pam, Kevin, and Meredith are debating telling Angela. Kevin is seeing this through his own perspective: "Maybe I can get a lesbian to marry me, huh? That's hot." The consensus us that she seems happy, so they won't tell her. This should end well.
Kelly asks for a private word with Jo. After getting Gabe to leave the conference room by assuring him that it's not about him, she tells Jo, "As minority executive I think it's my responsibility to let you know that Gabe is gross." She spills all about the Gabe/Erin/Andy triangle, and while Jo's taking that in, she starts getting Dwight's resume in text-message form, one line a t a time. "These are costing me ten cents apiece, you jackass!" she yells through the conference room wall. "I'm roaming!" Dwight looks appropriately chastened.
Creed orders Jordan, "Get me our biggest client on the phone right this instant." Jordan asks Pam who that would be, and Pam tells her to just connect Creed to Pam instead. She takes the call, identifying herself as "the client" and Creed tells Pam he's starting his own company and "looking to poach some chumps. You in?" Pam pretends she is. Considering she scammed herself a job that doesn't exist, becoming the default Creed-wrangler is just karma.
Erin tells Jo there's one more candidate: "He's a burn victim," she warns, and offers to get rid of him, but Jo says to send him in. In walks a man in a dark suit, with bandaged head and hands. Of course it's Dwight under there, pretending to be a French dude named Jacques Souvenir, but unable to stop himself from correcting Jim's reference to his old title as "Assistant to the Regional Manager." Jo announces she wants to talk to Dwight in the sixty seconds, and he reveals himself. Jim acts incredulous and confused, like he was fooled the whole time. Jo asks what would have happened if she'd hired Jacques Souvenir, and Dwight says he would have "dressed this way every day, legally changed my name, learned French Sign Language, shown up, and been the best damn branch manager you've ever seen." Jo is so impressed she says, "That's fucking crazy. Get out of here." She tells the search committee, "What a nutjob." Yeah, I don't think that's news to them.
Going over the candidates with Jo, Jim says the guy who kept talking about a vacation to the Finger Lakes right after his start date was good. So is Darryl. Jo asks what's wrong with the guy who went to Cornell, and Gabe goes off. "So it's not relevant that he took the receptionist away from you?" Jo asks him. Gabe tries to play it off, but Jo says Gabe's going back to Florida. "That sounds like a promotion!" Gabe says. Jo nods, "It's not." She nominates Kelly as Gabe's replacement. "I'm doing an opposites thing." How Trump-like of her.
While Jim's walking her to her car, Jo mentions that she knows Nellie (the crazy British chick from earlier, who didn't mention it to Jim), and tells Jim not to mess this up. "And give Dwight an interview. I like a little bit of crazy." But a whole bushel?
Oscar drops off a package at Reception, only to be greeted by Erin doing a puppet routine. The sock-puppet claims to be Erin after having been turned into a puppet by an evil witch named Angela, and can only be changed back by one thing. "Silence?" Dwight guesses archly. No, she means "A date with the best salesman: Andy Bernard." Well, which one? In front of everyone, Andy shyly heads up to Reception, and Erin pops up. Andy says, "I'm really flattered, but I don't think we should." Ooh, cold. Andy THs that Erin's his best friend, but he didn't have that feeling. "Aren't there some things that you really want to like but you just can't seem to like it? Like Mad Men? Or football?" He goes on about how she chose Gabe, and he got over her, and..."She's great, though." A little late to realize that now.
Angela loudly explains to Stanley how she can't invite everyone so they can keep it under 350. "I'll get over it," Stanley mutters. After going on about how they can't know how many "regular people" they have room for, Angela asks Pam if she still has the plans for the dream wedding she couldn't afford. Pam says that's the one they had. "Niagara Falls? Pregnant? That was your dream? Pork medallions?" Pam looks over at Oscar, who looks back like, "Hey, your call," and she grits, "I hope you have a very beautiful wedding, Angela." We'll see how long this resolve lasts.
Jim asks Dwight one question - his name -- before declaring, "Thank you, Mr. Schnute. We will let you know." Dwight objects, but Jim has already tuned out -- until Dwight offers to interview himself, which Jim jumps all over, just because he thinks it'll be an entertaining spectacle. Dwight starts out by asking himself and then listing his top priorities, and then asking himself how they can trust him after "an accident no one could blame you for." Dwight acts contrite, promises a strict no-firearms policy, and states as his self-interviewer, "Wow, all of my concerns are disappearing." Jim thanks Dwight, and Dwight gets up, promising himself, '"You'll be hearing from us shortly, Mr. Schrute, and I think you're going to like the call you're going to receive." Kelly is impressed, and tells Jim something her grandfather used to say, about the hand that reaches from the grave. "You took the deal," Jim accuses her. Kelly says, "Yeah, it was a great deal." Toby's willing to give Dwight a try, "and if it doesn't work out, one of us could step in..." Jim:" "What is happening right now?" The inevitable, Jim. The inevitable.
While Jim's going over the resumes alone in the conference room, Phyllis comes in to confront him over Dwight's impending promotion. "He and Kelly said, then they pre-fired me." Hee. Jim heads out to the bullpen announce that there hasn't been a decision, and "Dwight is definitely not the boss." Kelly and Dwight are acting like it's already a done deal, and Jim feels like he's going crazy. More than usual, even. Andy backs Jim up, and pointedly asks if there's anyone else in mind. Jim asks for anyone else's opinions. Kevin figures that means him, which means several minutes of Kevin just enjoying the floor. Oscar raises his hand and votes for Darryl. Dwight makes that out to be minorities sticking together. "Kelly's on your side," Oscar says. While Kelly's complaining about being pigeonholed, Andy argues that the new manager should be "lame." Ryan wants an outsider, like "a homeless person." Pam calls Ryan out, and he calls her out right back, without knowing anything about her as usual. "I got away with everything under the last boss and it wasn't good for me at all," Ryan THs. "So I want guidance. I want leadership. But don't just boss me around. Lead me when I'm in the mood to be led."
Meredith makes the case for a "smart, decisive, well-hung man," which Jim shuts down. She mockingly suggests a guy with a small penis in stead, which Andy totally backs her up on. A small penis and a torn scrotum would be even better. Gabe heads through on his way out for good, and Kelly comes over for a hug, which she can't pull off without groaning in disgust. "I'm sorry, you were just a lot bonier than I thought you were gonna be." Gabe protests that he's a terrific hugger. "I've been with a bunch of girls where that's basically all they want to do." And on that eminently believable line, exit Gabe. Andy stands up to boldly announce that he wants the job. "I'm educated, I'm capable, I like all of you, and I wont make any changes." Erin emotionally says she sees it (clearly Andy didn't), and Phyllis backs her up. Phyllis also THs that they're not related, but she'll tell Erin some other day. Jim brings up Darryl, and Angela starts filibustering for no reason, until Toby cuts her off for the same reason as Kevin. Then in comes Darryl's daughter, who runs to Jim while Darryl follows her in. It's all part of a show to get sympathy, but Jim just shakes his head. Darryl herds her out. "'Kay, shush it, this was a mistake, let's go," Darryl whispers. Phyllis calls for a vote, but Jim says it's not a vote. Phyllis asks why the meeting, then. "I don't know, this conversation really got away from me," Jim admits. He calls Toby and Kelly in to finish the meeting to make a recommendation to Jo. And Kevin tries to follow, only to have the conference room door closed in his gormless face.
.Andy THs excitedly, "Sometimes you hear people talking about failing upward? I think I'm about to do that."
Nellie says she's Jo's best friend, even if Jo isn't hers. I don't know, she seems like a frontrunner.
Darryl says he skipped his daily blueberry muffin today, which he shouldn't have done. "Especially considering how superstitious I am."
Will Arnett says he's never been more sure of anything. "I will be the new boss of...[checks signboard] Vance Refrigeration."
Ray Romano says he always sabotages himself. "Case in point, I was supposed to start another job today."
James Spader says he'll get offered the job, like he always does, and then there's always the caller's wait for his response. "And then...my response."
Jim Carrey says he wants the job. "It's just the rest of my family's in the Finger Lakes right now. I'm supposed to be in the Finger Lakes right now. I told them I was on a hike. Snuck away to do this interview. I gotta get back pretty soon or they'll worry. People disappear in the Finger Lakes." Good. Get on that.
Dwight vows, "I will run this branch, or I will destroy this branch." But then he shrugs, "Or, I don't know. Something always works out." Now that's a cliffhanger. Not.
More Creed-wrangling from Pam in the tag, as she's reduced to doing terrible voices to impersonate different clients on the phone. And I guess we'll have to wait until fall to find out who the boss is, although my money's on Nellie. As for the stuntcasting, my six-year-old son would have loved it. Here were The Missing Link from Monsters vs. Aliens, Manny from Ice Age, Horton from Horton Hears a Who, and Ben Stiller's boss from Night at the Museum. Now I'm looking forward to some episodes for adults season.