It's the day before Michael's last day, which is weird because this show doesn't usually stretch episodes out more than one day. But it turns out that today is Michael's last day; he just didn't tell anyone. This way he figures he can spend a drama-free day saying his goodbyes and giving his farewell gifts, most of which are pretty amusing.
In other news, Gabe is doing a pretty poor job of holding it together after being dumped by Erin at the Dundies, Andy has been given the biggest clients despite being the worst salesman, and Deangelo is beginning to come unglued. The willpower that helped him overcome obesity is cracking, and remember how I complained that there was never an explanation for how he got hired in the first place? Well, there is one, but they were clearly saving it, so I'm done complaining.
At almost the last minute, Jim figures out what Michael is up to, and still manages to give him exactly what he wanted while also somehow giving him the opposite, mutually exclusive thing that he also wanted, and yes, it gets pretty misty. A hooky-playing Pam nearly misses her chance to say goodbye, but barely catches up with Michael at the airport. It gets a little Lost in Translation. And at Michael's "going away" party the day, the troops finally start to realize what they've got on their hands when it comes to Deangelo. Which has to do with what's on Deangelo's hands.
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Michael is acclimating himself to Colorado altitude...by sitting in a lawn chair on the roof of the building. He's also wearing cowboy boots with his suit. In keeping with Michael's soon-to-be home, Dwight delivers him a plate of Rocky Mountain oysters, fresh from the bull. Dwight's still mad about Michael's failure to recommend him for the manager position, it seems. Michael says he's not the company's owner, and tries to make peace with Dwight by asking for advice on how to deal with bears in Rockies. The sweet part is that it kind of works, as Dwight demonstrates that he at least still cares enough to talk to Michael like he's an idiot.
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Michael is looking out over the bullpen when Deangelo interrupts his reverie by asking him to leave some of his desk toys. Michael holds his temper in check, but Deangelo is wise enough to leave the room. "Dead man walking," Deangelo mutters to us on his way out. And that's a wrap for Michael and Deangelo. In a talking head, Michael insists he's not sad. His last day isn't until tomorrow, after all. "Tomorrow, I will be a wreck."
Speaking of wrecks, Gabe angrily intercepts Andy in the bathroom and orders him to stay away from Erin. "I've seen some horrible things! I own over 200 horror movies!" Gabe leaves Andy standing there shaken, and when Jim comes out of a stall, one Jim-eye in the mirror is all it takes to convey what he's thinking. But he gets a separate TH anyway, just to make it clear: "You guys are filming people when they go to the bathroom now?"
Angela, Phyllis, Pam, and Meredith are the party planning committee for Michael's going away party. Pam describes the former committee chairpeople as the dream team. "The dream team and Meredith," Angela corrects, while Meredith loiters outside. Back in the meeting, Meredith tells Michael they've decided on Michael's favorite ice cream, mint chocolate chip, but this is the new, leaving Michael, so he suggests something everyone likes. "I want everybody to have a good time, no drama, and as for today, just a typical day." Pam asks about toppings, and Michael says to get what they like. Their minds are totally blown.
Back in his office, Michael holds up his "WORLD'S BEST BOSS" mug and reminds us that he bought it for himself. Then he holds up his Dundie for World's Best Boss 2011 that he gave himself yesterday. The mug goes in the trash, and the Dundie goes back on his desk, its position carefully adjusted just like Michael has been doing in the opening credits of every episode for seven seasons. How did they do that? Cut to black.
By M. Giant
"I still need something to drink out of, though," Michael adds. Psych! Now cut to black.
After consulting a printed-out list of his employees, Michael makes an announcement: he's about to reveal a secret about Phyllis. "When Phyllis was in high school, she was so... cute. And she still is." Phyllis THs, "I thought he knew about the baby I gave away." Well, thank God that's still a secret. Phyllis shows Michael the mittens she's knitting him, and even all the care she says it needs doesn't stop him from pretending to be thrilled. Michael presents Phyllis with a gift of his own: his chattering teeth, to remind her to speak her mind. Stanley gets his mini pool table, although he's not thrilled that "it's got no balls." Andy gets...Michael's ten biggest accounts. Andy and the other salespeople are all taken aback, and even Andy promises that he's going to lose all the clients. But Dwight's actually cool with it. He cheerfully THs, "I've given up on expecting Michael to do the right thing. Or the decent thing, or even the comprehensible thing."
Deangelo VOs about how he used to be obese, and after overcoming that, he can handle anything, up to and including being shot in the head. "I almost welcome it." But when he doesn't know the camera's on him, being to the vending machine is clearly a battle.
Michael's present to Kevin is a drawing of Kevin, looking like a pig in a diaper and squatting over a pizza. While Kevin is taking that in, Michael rips it in half and tell him never to be a caricature. He makes Kevin sand up so Michael can tell Kevin he will be thin, stop drooling over pizza, and find love. Kevin says he's cool with who he is, but Michael insists, "You should never settle for who you are." Great gift.
Michael has barely begun addressing Oscar when Andy calls over to say he's already lost one of the clients. "Just do your best, buddy," Michael calls back. Michael explains to Oscar how he's the scarecrow because he's the one with the brain, so Oscar gets a creepy-ass burlap doll Michal made. Oscar accepts graciously. And in his office, Michael cracks up, "It looks like it was made by a two-year-old monkey on a farm! And he just accepted it!" Continuing to laugh, he says, "He has the lowest opinion of me of anybody!" I love how Michael got the best of Oscar after all.
To Angela, he asks, "Was it just me, or did you think we were gonna have sex at some point?" Angela thinks the former, although it's not terribly convincing. It out Michael's gift is to let her show him some pictures of her and her state senator. And her state senator's strapping male aide, who always seems to be there. "I guess this could be the one, huh?" Michael says. Oscar just shakes his head in the background.
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Deangelo seems to be making himself a s'more on the coffee burner when Andy sticks his head in to ask him for some backup on a big client call. Deangelo hides the evidence and follows him out, leaving a chocolate handprint on the kitchen wall. Seeing Andy leave, Gabe mutters to no one, "Walk away, bitch."
Oscar asks Michael where to send his last paycheck, but it turns out Michael doesn't have the address, or even any details about Colorado at all.
At lunch, Jim invites Michael to sit with them, but Michael begs off. But then listening to their banal conversation about a shredder (which Pam will be shopping for later) nearly moves him to tears. In the safety of his office, he's having a full-on panic attack about how everything will be different at his new home, from the TV channels to his improv credits not transferring. He pulls the "WORLD'S BEST BOSS" mug back out of the trash and phones Holly in Colorado to call it all off. But almost as soon as he hears her voice -- a goofy, deep voice that she puts on for the occasion -- it's all better. Holly is magic. And then they exchange I love yous and say they'll see each other tonight. Wait, what? After hanging up, Michael comes clean: he told everyone tomorrow was his last day, but he's leaving tonight, heading to the airport at 4:00. He looks at his list of employees, half of whom are crossed off. That's the half he's said goodbye to.
Toby suggests Michael look up his brother Rory Flenderson in Boulder when he gets there. Michael swallows his bile, says okay, and moves on to Kelly. But she's so busy texting that when Michael asks if his best gift would be for him to go away, she's all over it. "And stop using that weird slow voice."
In Ryan's closet, Michael has presented him with his neon St. Pauli Girl sign, which dominates the tiny space even more than it dominates normal spaces. It makes Ryan's desk look like the Grid from Tron. "You're not prone to seizures?" Michael checks.
The party-planning committee is getting derailed by Meredith's filibuster about erotic cakes, so Pam brings in Kelly, which just makes things more fraught. As always
Pam's heading to Carbondale to do shredder shopping, so Michael can't say his goodbye to her right now without blowing his cover. But Jim notices he's acting weird. Weirder than usual, that is.
The person Gabe follows into the bathroom is Erin, who freaks out that he's in there. "Hey, Creed," she says as that gentleman exits a stall, in my favorite of many callbacks tonight. "Not cool, man," Creed says to Gabe. Gabe just insists Erin read the letter he stuck under her windshield.
Toby's on Skype with his brother Rory, who I guess is played by Warren Lieberstein. He looks like some weird hybrid of Michael and Toby, and combines the sad neediness of both of them. It's creepy.
Michael gives Darryl his single, unfinished copy of Somehow I Manage. It's very unfinished. Michael then asks to use the baler in the warehouse, but Darryl still says no. Michael gets it. But then he tries down at the warehouse anyway, and when it doesn't work, he tries one of those cool exits where you sink a basketball over your shoulder. Except you know how we always assume those always include multiple attempts we didn't see? So does Michael's except he doesn't seem to mind anyone seeing his multiple attempts. Not that any of the warehouse people are paying any attention anyway.
On the way to the sales call, Deangelo asks Andy about his angle -- veteran, month to live, what? Andy just thought he'd talk about customer service and paper quality. "That's stupid," Deangelo says. Then he mentions stopping at an animal shelter to get psyched up, and may or may not demand a high-five.
After a few more attempts, Michael sinks his trick shot. He might have gone over budget on time there.
At the animal shelter, Deangelo hands Andy a dog and tells the story of meeting Jo Bennett. He was walking along, out of work and out of money, and stopped a guy from stealing a lady's dog. "She's so grateful she hired me." Then he grabs the dog from Andy a couple of times, reenacting the moment to feel the energy. Andy feels it, all right. Well, at least now we know how Deangelo ended up in charge of the branch.
Outside the building, Erin tells Michael that she's in love with someone else. "Kevin?" he asks. Still trying to make that dog hunt, I see. "Andy," she corrects. She wishes her birth mother were around to help her choose, and Michael tells Erin that "when the right guy comes along, you will know it." He gives her a fatherly kiss in the head and tells her, "You don't need a mom because you have my number and you can call me any time." "Extension 147," Erin rattles off. Luckily, she's kidding, so Michael doesn't have to explain. We weren't sure for a second there, though. [ Editor's note: There's speculation that this little sequence was hinting that Phyllis is Erin's long-lost mother.]
Michael hangs up Phyllis's phone while she's in the middle of a call and tells her to knit like the wind until 4:00. He then hands Dwight an envelope, containing a letter of recommendation. In a private TH, Dwight starts to read us the letter mockingly, but can't get through it without choking up. Dwight tries to keep it in, but there's a business card in there as well. "2:45 behind the building, paintball." Dwight checks his watch and excitedly runs off. Of course he's got all his gear and ammo in the back of his Trans Am. He suits up and waits behind the building, until he thinks Michael has stood him up, but then Michael jumps out of the dumpster in his hockey pads and opens fire. So that's Dwight crossed off the list.
During the sales call, Deangelo is... not talking Andy up, exactly. "You go with this guy... it's either gonna be the best thing you ever did or the worst thing you ever did. Ever play Russian Roulette? Time to spin the chamber, Boris. By signing up for another year." Well, the good news is at least Andy won't lose this client.
Michael returns to the office disheveled and with paint in his hair. "You should see the other guy," Michael tells Jim, earning a smile from Dwight. The clock reads three, straight up, and Michael asks where Pam is. Jim says she's pricing shredders, and when Michael whines that it's three, Jim shrugs -- and then, when Michael heads into his office, makes his thinkiest face ever.
Yeah, Pam went to see The King's Speech. D-d-d-d'oh!
Michael triples up with Creed, Gabe, and Meredith. "There's not enough time in the day to have a special moment with everybody," he explains to us. Especially when you spend an hour trying to catch the warehouse guys on the flippity-flip. Gabe's not done, though, and after the others have left, he vows to either quit today or stay and destroy Andy's career. Michael insists this won't be Gabe's last day, and that everyone gets dumped. Fortunately, he has some advice: "A little cover-up on your Adam's apple will make it appear smaller, which will make you look less like a transvestite." Well, it got Gabe out of the room, at least.
Deangelo gracelessly leaves the client's office, but Andy says he forgot his bag so he's going back and he'll meet Deangelo outside. With his bag clearly hung over his shoulder, Andy returns to the ex-client's office to apologize for Deangelo's behavior, and promises to be the one to take his call if he renews the contract. "Keep talking," the guy says. When Andy meets Deangelo out by the car, Deangelo gets off the phone telling him, "We did it!" and gives him a long hug that's even more inappropriate than Andy's red pants.
At 3:40, Michael calls everyone into the conference room. Dwight is the first to rush in. Michael has a little trouble getting the meeting started, but has two items :where's Pam already, and how are those mittens coming? "Power through the arthritis, Phyllis, you can do it!" There's a long, long, awkward pause, which Michael makes even more awkward by leaving the room and returning to say goodbye as Ping. Well, at least that'll make everyone miss him less. Jim brings an end to this by taking Michael aside in his office and saying he wants to take Michael out to lunch for his last day tomorrow, just the two of them. Michael bites his lip and accepts, but Jim's totally onto him. "You're not leaving tomorrow. You're leaving today, right?" Trying and almost failing to keep it light, Jim checks his watch and says, "Four o'clock and you are gone for good." Michael wonders if he's doing the wrong thing, and Jim says absolutely not. 'It's just that sometimes, goodbyes are a bitch." Michael says that into his t-shirt idea Dictaphone, and Jim directs his moist eyes at the camera for one last "can you believe this guy?" take. Michael starts to say his goodbye speech, but Jim says they can say their goodbyes at lunch. "And tomorrow, I can tell you what a great boss you turned out to be. Best boss I ever had." Aw. Dammit, suddenly I'm a wreck over here. Just then Michael's cab honks outside. Jim says he texted Pam, but Michael says, 'Just give her a hug, all right?" They agree to see each other at lunch tomorrow. "I am really looking forward to lunch," Michael says. "And hearing about what a great boss I am." Jim gets a box and an X on the list, right above Pam's untouched name. For what it's worth, looks like Hank's getting dissed as well.
Out in the bullpen, Michael collects Phyllis's nearly-complete mittens and says "Nice try. I love 'em." At the door, he pauses, to watch everyone work obliviously for a minute. "See you tomorrow, boss," Creed says, toasting him with the WORLD'S BEST BOSS mug. Michael and Jim share a long look, until Jim cuts his eyes to the door and Michael heads out. As the elevator doors close on him one last time, and we see him going out to his cab, he VOs, "Got almost everybody. Holly's my family now. She's my family. And the babies that I make with her will be my children. The people that you work with are just, when you get down to it, your very best friends." He gets in the cab and it drives away. "They say on your deathbed, you never wish you spent more time at the office." Pam's car drives into the parking lot. "But I will. Gotta be a lot better than a deathbed." At the airport, he goes through security, and asks the documentary crew, "Hey, will you guys let me know if this ever airs?" Oh, that's crazy talk. Finally, he takes off his microphone pack for the last time and hands it over, so we can see, but not hear, Michael saying, "That's what she said." And off he goes, disappearing down the concourse. But he is caught at the last minute by Pam, carrying her shoes. They exchange a few words (apparently her mic is off too) and a couple of hugs, and then he's off for real.
"No, he wasn't sad," Pam tells us to the airport window. "He was full of hope. About Colorado. "And he was hoping to get an upgrade as an Awards member, and he said he was just real excited to get home and see Holly." Pam watches through the window as his plane takes off. Remember when you could still do that? And what's Jim going to say when he finds out she bought a plane ticket when she isn't going anywhere?
In the tag, Michael's goodbye party is a bit of a bust, with the guest of honor missing and all. Deangelo says they might as well eat the cake, and he hacks off a corner and shoves it directly into his mouth. He goes from disgusted with himself to self-indulgent all over again, but this time he just grabs a big hunk with his bare hand. Which he also throws in the trash. Then he starts to dive in face-first, but stops himself just in time. While this is going on and everyone's looking on in horror, Dwight quietly murmurs something to Jim that is uncharacteristically brilliant in its eloquence and succinctness: "Uh-oh."
Indeed.
M. Giant is a Minneapolis-based writer with a wife, a son, and a number of cats that seems to have settled at around two. Learn waaaay too much about him at Velcrometer, follow him on Twitter , or just e-mail him at m.giant[at]gmail.com.