As always, Michael is the only one excited about the Dundies, but with this being his last one, everyone's a little more inclined to play along. Everyone except Deangelo, that is, who is suffering from stage fright so crippling that when Michael insists on passing the hosting torch to him, he'd much rather just be set on fire with it.
The awards themselves are what we can presume is the usual heady cocktail of awkwardness and misery. The lowlights include a lame video intro, Dwight's "comedic" keyboard cues, Pam getting stiffed for the "Best Mom" award, Erin dumping Gabe from the stage, Deangelo's continuing flop-sweat, and everyone getting kicked out of the restaurant. Again. But after moving the festivities back to the office, the crew performs a musical farewell for Michael that's a hell of a lot better than anything he could have come up with on his own. Or deserves, for that matter.
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Michael stands outside the office building to a yawning Deangelo, explaining that the two of them are about to deliver the staff's Dundie nomination certificates (gigantic and framed, at what I'm sure is ruinous cost), like the Oscar noms. Michael excitedly explains that this happens every year, but Deangelo isn't so sure.
The first stop is the Halperts', where a very sleepy Jim lies and says Pam's not there. Stanley deploys his catchphrase, "Have you lost your mind?" with more force than usual, as well as a threat to call the cops. They leave his certificate on the doorstep to the paper. stop is Toby's, where Michael just throws things at the house, to Deangelo's confusion. At Meredith's hovel, where the front door is standing ajar, Deangelo says, "This reminds me of Katrina." They're standing there as she walk-of-shames home. She offers them breakfast, but they prefer to make a break for it instead.
Michael enters the office with his briefcase and garment bag. Erin acts all chilly about her plans for the night, but then excitedly waves her giant framed certificate in the air, saying, "Maybe I'm going to the Dundies!" Michael tells her, "You are getting so funny!"
Michael THs that the Dundies need to go on. "When Larry King died, they didn't just cancel his show. They got Pierce Morgan (sic) to come in and do his show and that way, Larry lives on." Wait, is Michael dying?
With Deangelo at his side, Michael talks up the Dundies to all the people in the office, all of whom have been to at least seven except Andy, who's been to maybe five, and Erin, for whom everything is the first time, and Gabe, who cares: "They're like the Golden Globes but less mean." Dwight stands up to remind everyone it's black tie, and Michael amends, "Black tie optional." "Every day is black tie optional," Dwight protests, earning a sympathetic nod from Pam. Michael also adds that they'll be at Louie Volpe, which everyone likes. "Their breadsticks are like crack," Pam says. "I love when people say 'like crack' who have obviously never done crack," Ryan tools. Pam pissily asks what simile she's allowed to use, and he suggests scrapbooking. Michael tries to keep this from escalating by suggesting "breadsticks on steroids." Ryan reluctantly agrees to go with that.
Michael gets to his lede, which is that this year he'll have a co-host. Dwight sits up with anticipation during the simulated (and overly long) drum-roll, but the honor goes to Deangelo. "Always the Padawan, never the Jedi," Dwight THs sadly. Deangelo thanks Michael but passes, saying he's not a performer. "Unless you count singing in the shower," he adds, shooting for levity. Blank faces from everyone, telling him what a tough room this can be when you're not the new boss any more because it's been a whole week. Unfortunately for him, Michael insists.
In the conference room, Michael has Deangelo working on banter with him for the show, in front of everyone who will be at the show. Because lame banter is even funnier the second time. Michael tries to bounce a joke off of Deangelo (referring to how Deangelo used to weigh an additional 200 pounds), but it's like bouncing a quarter off a bowl of pudding. At Michael's urging, Ryan takes Deangelo's place and throws a little Vilanch-lite, and now that Deangelo thinks he has the hang of it, he tries out a little audience participation on Jim: "Where were you on September 11th?" Deangelo says he's fine running a meeting, but thinking of it as a performance throws him into panic mode. Everyone but Michael suggests Deangelo think of it as a meeting instead, but that's not good enough for Michael, who reminds everyone this is his last Dundies. "If I want mind control over him, is that too much to ask?"
Michael has clearly seen The King's Speech, because he's sitting on Deangelo's chest while making him do vocal exercises and open up about a bad past experience. Deangelo's story is too personal for Michael, so he moves on to trying the technique of making Deangelo shout over loud headphones. It worked better for Colin Firth.
While heading out for lunch, Jim and Pam spot Erin eating in her car. She gets all freaky, insisting they get in before 'he" sees them. Turns out she doesn't like spending time with Gabe. At all. Pam suggests telling Gabe the truth, and Jim bails on the whole conversation. "I'm sorry, that just... wasn't interesting... to me," Jim THs outside the car. Erin says she can't be mean like Pam. Pam swallows her protest and tells Erin to be honest with Gabe. What could go wrong?
At the restaurant that night, Dwight stands by the door in his tuxedo, dispensing one-word critiques of everyone's outfits as they enter, then announces that the festivities begin in four seconds. Nobody makes the obvious comeback that while holding that stack of menus, Dwight looks like the maître d'.
Michael has an opening video this year. It starts with a bit about Jo (Michael in drag and doing a Ross Perot accent) calling Deangelo and telling him to find Michael Scott to host the Dundies. Deangelo hangs up and says he's got to "Get him to the Dundies!" Even on video he's dying. As the film continues, Deangelo starts making the rounds of the office asking people to help him find Michael Scott, all the people being Michael imitating various employees. Michael-as-Angela mentions her boyfriend (who is present tonight, to laugh at Michael-as-Angela's jab about the state senator title having no meaning). Michael-as-Jim is wearing a big mullet wig and affecting a surfer-dude voice that sounds less like Jim than Dwight's version of Jim. Michael-as-Phyllis has fallen and she can't get up, and the real Phyllis is not amused. Finally, in the video's last scene set in the bathroom, Deangelo somehow finds Michael in a mirror's reflection, because he was there all along. Oscar explains, "The analytical part of me wants to examine it, but I know it has no content."
Dwight introduces the cohosts, and Michael is of course enjoying his moment, but as soon as Deangelo steps into view (through cardboard curtains), he looks sick and runs away. "Is that part f the..." Dwight wonders into the microphone. Given some of the random crap Michael scripted, It's a legitimate question.
Michael finds Deangelo throwing up in a men's room stall. Deangelo tells Michael to do it solo, or draft Ryan, but Michael says, "Ryan would never do it. It's too on the radar." He insists that the boss hosts the Dundies, and Deangelo protests that it wasn't in the job description. Michael says this isn't for Michael, or Deangelo, or the employees. Deangelo understandably wonders who, then, and Michael bitchslaps him and says it's for the kids out there wondering if it gets better. Then he tells Deangelo to say "It's showtime" and get out there. Deangelo says he can't, and Michael snacks him again. "Stop hitting me," Deangelo hisses, but then tells Michael to hit him again. Michael does, and says, "Now hit me." Deangelo bitchslaps him back. I hope that took a lot of takes. Michael counts to three and in unison, they say. "It's showtime." Halfway through the episode.
Dwight is vamping by playing his recorder for the audience. Returning to the stage with Deangelo, Michael makes a lame DMV joke, and then Deangelo makes an even worse joke: "Fall asleep right after sex. Huh, guys?" "Nope, go back to the script," Jim calls out. Michael starts right out by giving Jim the Best Dad Dundie. Jim's speech is fitting for the occasion: "Cece, if you're watching this at home, it's way past your bedtime. By the way, how'd this get televised?" Jim says something sincere after that, which was a mistake because as soon as he sits back down, Pam says something about how he didn't mention her.
But it's okay, because Michael moves on to the "Best Mom" Dundie, and clearly Jim and Pam think she's got this in the bag. But instead Michael calls up Meredith, who stays out all night with her front door open. Meredith bestows an Adrien-Brody-on-Halle-Berry kiss on Michael and makes her acceptance speech: "I'll tell you one thing, I'm not going to be a good mom tonight. WOO!" Dwight calls for a photo of the Best Mom and Best Dad. "Gotta go do this," Jim mutters to Pam. "Why?" she blares back. Fair question.
is the "Hottest In The Office" Award. Ryan's half out of his chair when Michael announces that it's going to Danny Cordray (who isn't here because he's too busy doing for cowboy hats on Justified what Jet and Cord only wish they could do on The Amazing Race). Ryan claims to be relieved at not winning this year. "It's so subjective." is Stanley for the Diabetes award, and Phyllis's slow burn accelerates. "I have diabetes too," she THs. "You don't see me making a big deal about it." There's always nest year, Mrs. Fletcher.
Deangelo is sticking to the cue cards a little too closely: "They say he's going to be my right-hand man. Ad-lib masturbation joke." He pauses long enough to mutter to Michael about how much he hates this, then presents Dwight the "Promising Assistant Manager" Dundie. Dwight comes up, accepts the award on behalf of the humble trash can, tosses the mic back in the general direction of the hosts, and hurls his Dundie into the aforementioned trash. Not even polite applause follows that.
While Kevin is getting in trouble with the manager for coloring on the cloth tablecloth (using crayons he brought from home), Michael is talking into the microphone about herpes, to the further annoyance of the manager. Then he gives Erin the "Cutest Redhead in the Office" award, causing Meredith to throw her own Dundie at the steps of the dais. Erin takes the microphone and says people are right about the Dundies. "They are magical. But I don't feel it, and I think that's because I'm not with the right person. Gabe, we should break up." She sure has Andy's attention. "I'm not attracted to you... I cringe when you talk...I have to be honest. Right, Pam?"
While everyone gets their cringe on, Gabe for some reason goes up and says how embarrassed and angry he is. "Quarter-life crisis everyone's talking about," he quips, which falls flat. Jim is looking at the camera in open-mouthed horror. Interesting enough for you now, Halpert? Finally Gabe says he's going to go. And Dwight, who's been dropping morning-show-style sound cues on the synthesizer throughout, hits the "crickets" button. Michael ushers Erin off, and she hears Darryl breathe, "Damn, that was cold." That's got to hurt, coming from a guy who once got dumped by text message written by the guy who was after his girlfriend.
Michael presents the "Best Dundies Host" award to Deangelo Vickers. He gets up from his dinner just long enough to grab the statue and tries to get off the stage without a word (while Dwight looks wistful), but they're not letting him off that easy. Deangelo puts on the headphones and bellows into the microphone loud enough to deafen everyone in the entire restaurant while talking about his earlier vomiting. The manager comes and pulls the plug. At last.
Outside, Michael sadly THs what a disappointment his last Dundies was. He was hoping for a big wrap-up like Godfather III, but it was more like Godfather I, "which was very confusing, had maybe three big laughs. Oh, well." Just then everyone approaches him to suggest they keep it going. Even Deangelo. Pam suggests getting ice cream and going back to the office to finish up. Michael thinks that means they liked it. "I've fallen and I can't get up," he creaks. Jim stops him before he can burn up all the goodwill that's going to keep this idea afloat.
Michael, Dwight and Deangelo are riding back together, and they insist that although Deangelo has to go to the bathroom, he can go at the office. On the ride there, the whites of his eyes are turning yellow and his back teeth are floating as Michael says it went pretty well despite "a couple hiccups." "I thought it was the worst Dundies I've ever been to," Dwight says. "Maybe you shoulda won the 'Kind Of A Bitch' award," Michael says, taking it surprisingly well.
When Dwight continues arguing, Michael pulls over (to Deangelo's great distress) to ask what Dwight's problem is. "The jokes are terrible, the venue is bad, the fashion is boring....and time why don't you pick a cohost that doesn't have microphonophobia?" Deangelo asks how long this is going to take, and says, with surprising discretion, "I've gotta make a decision here." Dwight gets out, and because a camera isn't pointing outside, Deangelo has to remark, "He is in an all-out sprint."
By the time they're all back at the office, Deangelo has to rush past everyone to the bathroom. That's the whole payoff, although I guess I'm glad we don't have to see him finish the Dundies with wet pants. As everyone gets settled into the conference room with Michael and Deangelo, Michael gives the "Doobie Doobie Pothead Stoner" Award to Andy for trying pot in college. Andy says that of all the people he wants to thank, they all really just want to thank Michael. For everything. Darryl starts playing his keyboard in the back of the room, and Michael realizes, "Oh my God, something's happening." Right here would be enough to make Michael's life, but Andy sits down and starts singing a song to the tune of "Seasons of Love" from Rent:
Nine million nine hundred eighty-six thousand minutes
We actually sat down and did the math.
Everyone else joins in, actually sounding like a decent chorus:
Nine million nine hundred eighty six thousand minutes
That's how many minutes that you worked here.
Now they start taking solos:
In costumes, and impressions, in meetings, and cups of coffee
For birthdays, more meetings, and e-mail forwards you made us read.
Back to chorus mode:
Nine million nine hundred eighty six thousand minutes
That's like watching Die Hard eighty thousand times.
Now more solos, and you can probably guess who sings which line:
"You hit me with your car." "You helped me get off drugs."
Everyone stands for the big finish, and Michael is getting choked up when Deangelo of all people brings it home at the end as they sing the "remember to call" ending. It's all so dorky and embarrassing and perfectly calculated to sock Michael right in the soul. After all that, he does a heartfelt TH in his office, clearly emotionally affected: "Yeah, okay. Well, this is gonna hurt like a motherfucker."
The tag is a moment from the restaurant ceremony, where Deangelo is reading the cue card for Toby's "Extreme Repulsiveness" award. "Oh, that's so mean," he editorializes afterwards. Toby refuses to go, and it takes Oscar and Jim encouraging him to suck it up. Toby's speech is about how he disagrees with it and thinks it's kind of hateful, "Although I am a little happy right now to have a platform to talk about the outcome of a case that I was recently a juror on, the Scranton Strangler. A man's being put to death, I was part of the verdict, and I'm not so sure he's guilty." Dwight interrupts him with an "Ohhh yeah (chick-chicka)" synth cue. Thanks, Toby, you've given us all something to think about.
Watch a video mashup of Michael Scott's most outrageous moments.
Watch the episode below, discuss it in our forums, then see the staff's most roastable moments!
What are people saying about your favorite shows and stars right now? Find out with Join the conversation now!
M. Giant is a Minneapolis-based writer with a wife, a son, and a number of cats that seems to have settled at around two. Learn waaaay too much about him at Velcrometer, follow him on Twitter , or just e-mail him at m.giant[at]gmail.com.