In a desperate attempt to stop his sales tailspin, Andy holds a seminar in the conference room, with support from other members of the sales team. But Jim bails to avoid someone he doesn't want to see. And when Stanley, Phyllis, and Dwight see the losers Andy's raked in, they're out too, leaving Andy stuck with Kevin, Creed, and (when Ryan bails) Kelly. As the day wears on, the real salespeople realize they might be missing out, but advice from Darryl gives Andy the wherewithal to go on alone, and he ends up making three actual sales. Go, Andy!
It turns out the reason Jim missed it was because he wanted to avoid a childhood friend whom he clumsily dissed in third grade, and even hiding in the parking lot all day doesn't preclude an awkward reunion.
Michael's part in the seminar is to be the "plant," and after a random encounter with a fellow improv-lover (Ricky Gervais as David Brent), he's doing an over-the-top "Greek" character. Holly's reluctant to get in on the act, but she can't resist for long. Now we're talking.
Erin's trying to beat Gabe at Scrabble so she doesn't have to watch another horror movie with him, and with a little help from Pam and an overinvested Oscar, she almost does. And just when Gabe's offering a "compromise" in the form of a movie about a killer robot, Andy casually lends her Shrek 2. Looks like he might be closing more deals soon, if you know what I mean.
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Michael is waiting for the elevator and nearly bumps into none other than the ur-Michael Scott himself, David Brent, who says, "Sorry, mate." Ricky Gervais is sorry, everyone! Now can we move on to the more urgent issue of what's going to happen at year's Golden Globes? Picking up on his accent, Michael says he's working on an English character named, what else, "Reginald Pooftah," David introduces himself and says he's got characters of his own, like a Chinese guy named Ho Lee Fuk. Michael laughs and mentions his own late, unlamented Ping, sympathizing with David's complaint that the world doesn't appreciate politically incorrect humor. David agrees that "comedy is where the mind goes to tickle itself. That's what she said!" Michael is so moved he gives him a hug before letting him go on his way. Somehow the physical contact between the two of them fails to short-circuit the space-time continuum.
Andy's running a seminar today in the conference room. We get to see a copy of the flier on a bulletin board somewhere, which also bills an introduction by Jim Halpert, "small business expert" Phyllis Vance, and "special guest speaker" Dwight Schrute, which should be a big draw for everyone who witnessed his triumph at the sales convention in 2006. It's part of Andy's plan to lure clients, an idea he got after being suckered into buying an Idaho timeshare. Erin directs a few visitors into the conference room, and in walks Michael, dressed as his idea of a Greek guy named Mykonos. He's so convincing Erin's almost fooled, which is to say, not very. Michael talking-heads to us that he's "the plant," the person who asks leading questions and laughs at all the jokes. While helping Andy warm up, Jim spots one of the attendees, clearly recognizes him, and abruptly bails on the seminar. Andy physically tries to restrain him before admitting in a TH that this needs to go well. "I'm a terrible salesman. And I haven't been making very many sales lately. Or ever." We get a quick look at the sales board, which shows him below even warehouse employees like Madge, Glenn, and Hidetoshi, and he says he might lose his job. "Which would suck, because this is the only job I've ever been good at." Jim asks Pam to tell him when the seminar's over, and when Pam asks if he knows that guy, he claims he has a meeting. On his way out, he nearly runs into Dwight, who asks Erin, "How are the marks?"
In the seminar, Dwight, Phyllis, and Stanley are up front, feigning enthusiasm about a guy who wants to buy up abandoned mineshafts, and another guy who has a plan to get point-two cents with every transaction...anywhere. Just because, I guess. The three salespeople head right to Andy and tell him they're not wasting their time on these losers. They've got plenty of losers in their life to waste time with already.
Michael asks Holly to join him as the other half of a Greek couple, but she begs off. Michael THs that she "broke up" with A.J. last week, which is good for Michael and bad for Holly, even worse than the week when she got mono and her first period. "Too much information? Maybe, but I'm using it." Back in the annex, Michael does his "Mykonos" voice for Holly, which at least gets her a little interested by virtue of how bad it is.
At Reception, Erin explains to Pam that she and Gabe are playing Scrabble on their phones. Unfortunately for Erin, "JLP" is not a word. She THs that the winner gets to pick the movie, and she hasn't won any. "So far I've seen The Shining, Rosemary's Baby, The Ring... not really my thing. Although I do like the early parts of the movie where they have a perfect family and everything." Pam offers to help, and when she notices that one of the words on the board is "KA" and wonders what it means, Oscar comes around to explain, "It means you're playing someone who's going to destroy you." Oscar read Word Freak too, I see. It's a book about elite Scrabble playing from which I took away two main lessons. The first is that to be an elite Scrabble player, you have to learn every two- and three-letter word in the English language. The other is that this would take all the fun out of being an elite Scrabble player. Oscar points out some opportunities for better words that Erin missed, like "mood" or "moon" instead of "moo." Erin relates these to how the cow moo'd or for instance what he might jump over. "You know it doesn't just have to be cow stuff, right?" Pam asks.
Andy asks Kevin to fill in for Jim, but he's not up for it: "The only way I'm Jim is in the movie version, when Jim sees what his future would be like if he never met Pam." But after the briefest possible bucking-up from Andy, Kevin's in.
Andy asks Ryan to take part, but Ryan's leery of committing. Yes, we can see Kelly right there.
In the break room, Andy runs through the program with his new lineup: Kevin opening it up, Ryan with his small business expertise, and Creed as "guest speaker extraordinaire." He looks very, very worried.
In the seminar, Andy has the small group of randoms as cranked up as he can get them. He introduces Kevin, who stands in the back of the room playing "Crazy Train" on a boom box before finally running a few laps of the conference room. When he finally starts his speech, it's mainly about two things: 1) dreaming big and 2) being so thoroughly winded he has to sit on the floor and vomit into a trash can. This does not mesh well with his speech asking them to imagine what a winner looks like, but at least when he flees the room they've got a clean visual slate.
Jim's "meeting" is with a rock that he's kicking around to the Dumpster outside. Thought so.
Andy's in the middle of introducing Ryan and his "achievements." "And no achievement is greater than his on-again-off-again girlfriend," Kelly says, currently not only the victim but also the tangible result of Ryan's persistent failure to commit. After stomping into the conference room and introducing herself as "The Business Bitch," she THs that this is just one of the many personal brands she's working on, like The Diet Bitch, The Shopping Bitch, The Etiquette Bitch, etc. I could use an Etiquette Bitch. Maybe I'd get a thank you card out once in a while. Kelly talks herself up to the attendees, but then just gets some business professor (who clearly knows her as "The Sex Bitch") on her Blackberry speakerphone to tell everyone the "ten secrets of business." The prof. starts reluctantly running some down and the attendees actually start taking notes. "That brilliant little bitch!" Andy THs.
Oscar insists Erin put a Q somewhere on the board, and raises his voice a little when she and Pam doubt him. After a happy beep, Pam says he could have told them his plan. "There's no theater in that," Oscar says modestly. "There's no yelling in that either," Pam points out.
Holly is working with Michael on his character (doesn't he need to get into the damn seminar already?), asking him questions to build a backstory. "I like the musical Grease," Mykonos says in his ridiculous accent. "Or as we call it, home." Holly's having such a great time she wants to try it out on someone.
So she and Michael go down to the lobby/coffee shop to harangue Hank the security guard/barista with this crap. She totally gets into it, even doing an accent of her own that's better than Michael's. Afterward, we see her Mona Lisa smiling into the camera. "I don't know," is all she says.
Andy introduces Creed, whose speech consists of a list of body parts that sound like a human's, but turn out to belong to the Loch Ness Monster, the capture of which is good for all the riches in Scotland. "So I have one question: Why are you here?" After an awkward pause, Andy applauds and calls a lunch break.
Gabe is at Reception, telling Erin they're going to watch Suspiria (the ads for which terrified me at the time, but then I was seven), but she informs him that after she wins, they'll be watching WALL-E. Gabe THs that Erin must be working some Slumdog Millionaire thing.
One of Andy's attendees sits down at Jim's computer to check his e-mail. He tells Dwight he started a golf supply company that's growing faster than he expected. Dwight scoots back in his chair and whispers to Phyllis, "Some of these people are for real." But enough of them for Dwight to be willing to share?
Guess so. Dwight, Phyllis, and Stanley find Andy in the kitchen and announce they're back in. Andy's all excited, until there's a throat-clearing from Darryl behind his news paper. He whispers to Andy, "They're a bunch of jackals. They left you in the lurch, and if they want to jump in, it means you're almost there. You did this. Bring it home." You know, it's easier to cut the show slack for making Darryl the Magical Negro when they give him other things to do as well. Andy goes back to tell them in no uncertain terms what they can do with their offer: "You can table it, and offer it another time, just know that I really appreciate the gesture." Cold!
When the seminar reconvenes -- now including Michael and Holly -- Dwight hovers in behind Andy and whispers into his ear, "You're gonna blow it." But Andy now has the confidence to insist, "Only maybe."
Oscar, Erin, and Pam are now on the couch to Reception, and it's down to the end. Pam prevails on Oscar to let Erin put in the last word, although he warns faux-pleasantly that he'll have apoplexy if she loses. Which she does. "I played 'ape,'" she THs. Oh, well, I still haven't seen Suspiria, but as the father of a young boy, I've seen WALL-E enough times that I could recap it for you from memory right now.
Jim's "meeting" has moved to the phone in his car, namely calling in to some local sports radio show.
Andy's just wrapping up the seminar and about to cut them loose when Michael jumps up to supposedly offer Andy his gyro recipe. Outside the conference room, he drops into his own voice to tell Andy he needs to close now. Andy says it's hard for him, being a nice guy, but Michael encourages him to not let down the people who helped him today because they believe in him. I'm impressed with Michael working so hard to help Andy succeed, but I can't agree that Creed would give a shit one way or the other.
Jim pokes his head in to ask Pam if it's over yet. It's not, but she's not letting him leave again without the story. Cut to the two of them outside, where Pam explains how the guy in the seminar is Jim's childhood friend Tom. It's a long story, but apparently in third grade Jim tactfully explained to Tom, "My mom thinks you're too dumb to hang out with."
Andy returns to the seminar and asks who wants to buy a small business package. Michael raises his hand, then Holly. They're it at first, but Andy makes a good argument that now's the time to act, while Michael gives a secret but proud little nod. There are three more takers (although not the golf supply company guy, who probably plans to sit down at other people's desks and just use their paper anyway), and Andy's happiness is infectious until he announces, "The rest of you are dead to me, you made the stupidest decisions of your life." "No, no," Michael mutters, and Andy reels it back in fast enough to still earn a round of applause.
Jim ends up running into his former friend in the kitchen, and pretends to be someone else. The dude's not fooled, though, and they make a little small talk until Tom remarks that the place must be a front for a famous laboratory, "Cause you're so smart." Jim's all, "You remember that, huh?" Tom allows, "Barely, I'm so dumb. Stuff goes in, stuff goes out." Tom makes some more zingers about Jim growing up to be a big genius paper salesman, and as Jim extracts himself he barely dodges a "Where's your jetpack, Zuckerberg?" Tom was probably working on that one since he saw the flier.
Dwight says to Andy, "Didn't know you had it in you." Andy says, "I guess when you looked in me, you forgot about my balls. They're on the outside. Don't know how you missed 'em." Probably won't be any more guitar/banjo jam sessions in their immediate future.
Michael and Holly do an in-character TH about the seminar, and Michael calls her "Necropolis" and asks for a kiss, still in character. Yeah, that's too soon. Holly gets back to work, and Michael is left sitting there. "That was a fun date," he shrugs.
A the end of the day, Gabe presents Erin with a compromise: "Hardware, about a killer combat robot "just like WALL-E." As he flounders away, Andy, who's suddenly Mr. Smooth, hands Erin a copy of Shrek 2 on his way out. You can tell by her thrilled reaction that this is the beginning of the end for Erabe.
And no, I will never use that word again.
M. Giant is a Minneapolis-based writer with a wife, a son, and a number of cats that seems to have settled at around two. Learn waaaay too much about him at Velcrometer, follow him on Twitter , or just e-mail him at m.giant[at]gmail.com.