Okay, remember Ryan's stupid WUPHF idea? It looks like he's making a go of turning that into an actual internet startup, complete with venture capital and everything. The problem is that his investors are his coworkers. The bigger problem is that he has nine days before bankruptcy. Everyone is freaking out about losing their investments except the majority stockholder, who's standing in the way of an offer to sell because he has a ridiculous man-crush on the founder. Yes, I mean Michael.
Jim's having a great sales run, until he learns that he's hit his "annual commission cap." So with no reason to work, he discovers new heights of time-wasting. Which means one of his most elaborate pranks ever, targeted at Gabe. Poor Gabe.
Part of the reason Dwight's out of Jim's crosshairs is because he's hosting a hay festival in the parking lot. The less said about that, the better -- except that Angela meets a disgruntled fairgoer who looks a bit like Dwight without the catastrophic weirdness (Jack Coleman from Heroes) and the two of them hit it off, prompting Angela to let Dwight out of the baby contract with her that he's been blowing off all day anyway.
Pam gently helps Michael realize that Ryan's taking advantage of him. But Michael already knew that, and insists on believing in Ryan anyway. So he gets to make a big speech, do some grandstanding -- and then keep his money anyway when Ryan finally decides to admit defeat and call it off. Wuphf.
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Everyone's sitting quietly when suddenly the power goes out. Dwight has a typically overblown emergency plan all ready to go, but soon the lights come back, with an admission from Michael that he had a space heater and fan plugged in. But now the server's down, and nobody remembers what the eight-year-old password is. Michael thinks back through all their IT guys, going from "Glasses" and "Turban" all the way to "Fatty," "Lozenge," and "Fatty 2." Someone remembers that Pam was offended when she heard it. "BIGBOOBS" doesn't work, but "BIGBOOBZ" does. "The important thing is, this kept us secure, people," Michael lectures.
Ryan's got a WUPHF.com bumper sticker on his car, but Michael has about a dozen. In Michael's office, they do a little skit ripping off the Mac vs. PC ads, with Michael as Facebook and Ryan as WUPHF (which I'm already sick of typing). It sends messages to home phone, cell phone, e-mail, Facebook, Twitter, and home screen all at once. Ryan demonstrates, as we've seen him do before.
Erin reports to Pam (as office administrator) that Ryan has been using the color printer a lot, but Pam's cool with it. "Yes, I invested in WUPHF," she talking-heads. She says she knows Ryan's sketchy, but she married Jim. "I've done my part for the nice guy. Now I want a bedroom set."
Michael talks to Ryan about an investor's ski trip (on which he hopes to learn to ski), and Ryan changes the subject to how they need more investors even though he's already getting buyout offers. Which means shaking down everyone in the office. Great plan.
Dwight's having a hay-bale maze set up in the parking lot, inspired by his Uncle Eldred's "Hay World," although the kids called it "Hay Place." "Eventually, lawyers were brought in." But Hay Place is back, baby. He starts greeting visitors: "The petting zoo closes at two, and the goat roast is at three." Angela comes up asking for a roll in the hay. Dwight gets it on the schedule.
Jim gets off the phone, rubs his face, and finally lets out a whoop. He THs that he's on his first hot sales streak, as a result of all the practice he's getting from breaking down Cece's sales resistance. "Let's be honest, if I can make mushed carrots seem better than a boob, I can pretty much sell anything."
Jim goes right over to Kevin to check on his commission for the sale, which is zero. Neither of them gets why, so Angela explains that Jim already hit his commission cap for the fiscal year. New policy. Bad new policy.
Gabe asks Jim if this job is really about the money for him, and Jim says it takes away his reason for selling or working at all. Gabe tries to compare this bad policy to the one allowing nudity in the locker rooms at his gym. "Think of your commission cap as a naked old man at a gym locker." Exit Jim, knowing he's not going to get anywhere.
Michael gets everyone's attention but Stanley's by yelling, "SEX!" But adding "MONEY!" hooks Stanley. "You had me at sex, "Kevin calls out. Phyllis points out that he has their attention by screaming anything, to which Michael reacts with a wordless howl. Michael gives the floor to Ryan, who asks for a show of hands on who's already "staked out your corner of the WUPHF empire." That would be Pam, Darryl Stanley, and Andy. Stanley tells us his dream of owning a decommissioned lighthouse, where he can live at the top, unknown to anyone, and launch it into space. Back in the meeting, Ryan tells them Washington University has made an offer, but he wants more investors first.
Oscar, looking over the prospectus, says WUPHF has potential as an emergency notification system. "It's not a digital rape whistle," Ryan says, insisting it's about fun. Oscar asks how their cash situation is. "We have nine solid days," Ryan boasts. Michael's most upset about how this comes before the investor's ski trip. "I bought poles," he says.
Jim updates us on his activities for the day, now that he has no incentive to sell: "I've organized my desk, cleaned my car, and taken a multivitamin. So what now?" Well, there's distracting Pam while she's trying to work, but she's got too much going on to really be on board for that.
In the conference room, Ryan has a bunch of investors and a splashy color profit projection (to the annoyance of Erin, who has no other reason to be there), and an announcement that he's been e-mail blasting celebrities. Stanley wants out, and Pam asks Ryan his plan. Ryan says he'll be right back. I'll believe it when I see it.
Dwight's living a nostalgic dream at Hay Place. "I always wanted to be Hay King, "he says wistfully, "but the world shines on Mose." Meanwhile, Angela has gotten tired of waiting in their usual spot in the warehouse and goes to find him. Dwight blows her off, as well as a girl who comes up having found the literal needle in the haystack, for which she gets a prize of nothing. "Life lesson: some tasks are not worth doing," Dwight says. Like, Angela is fast learning, chasing Dwight.
Ryan shows off his marketing plan: a stack of WUPHF t-shirts for girls to wear at spring break, and WUPHF condoms for him to drop out of a helicopter. Darryl asks what he's going to do if he gets the money to continue, and Ryan says the lesson of Silicon Valley is to not think about the money ever. Does he not know how that turned out? Michael's still trying to convince everyone when Kelly comes in saying WUPHF was her idea, and her story about how she could never get a hold of him and wanted a way to be a little dog going "wuphf wuphf wuphf" totally convinces me and everyone else in the universe. Ryan wheedles her, and Darryl asks which branch of Washington University wants to buy. Ryan specifies the Washington University Public Health Fund. Which is when everyone figures out they only want the domain name. What's wrong with WUPHF.edu? The shareholders all vote to sell, except for Michael and Ryan, who hold the majority of the shares. "You alone do, actually," Ryan corrects.
Outside, Kevin happily runs into the hay maze. While Angela sits outside, a kid and her dad (Jack Coleman, a.k.a. HRG from Heroes without his HRG), complains about Dwight nickel-and-diming everything. Angela makes a weak joke about Pay Place, and he laughs politely, which is a new experience for her. Inside, Kevin trying to get help finding his way out from the kids, who only run from him in fear. I can see where he would be a frightening sight in there.
Pam finds Michael separating the trash from the recycling unnecessarily ("eight years," he sighs), and brings up her concerns about Ryan, gently saying he's taking advantage of Michael. He's in denial about it, but she reminds him that other people he cares about have money in it. "You may be right. I may be crazy," Michael begins. Pam reluctantly lets him continue the song, but it doesn't make him feel better as much as he thought it would.
Jim is now so desperate for new ways to waste time that he's hanging around at Creed and Meredith's desks for tips. While he's holding his breath for Creed, Gabe comes up and busts him. "Can you at least try to look busy?" Gabe begs.
So Jim's project is to listen to Jo's book on tape, read by the author. He's also using some sound editing software to cut out clips. Not clear what he's up to yet, but he soon isolates a bit of a clip of her talking about "gay bastard" David Geffen so it sounds like she's saying "Gabe." I'm forming a theory.
Michael enters the utility closet where Ryan still sits, busting him playing a game. Michael expresses concerns about what they can do in the time they have left, and Ryan says all his ideas require more money. "I know I've tapped you so hard," he says. He has to be purposely setting Michael up for that. Michael takes it, but doesn't seem to get much joy out of Ryan's subsequent sucking up. Still, Michael offers to take a second mortgage, and Ryan agrees that "a lot of people are doing that and there don't seem to be any consequences." He entices Michael with a story about a future with the two of them on a private plane eating a private meal cooked by a private chef. Michael points out that they don't have dinner now, and Ryan agrees they should, but not tonight. Michael leaves him to it.
Dwight is emceeing the Hay King selection, but when the three boys (two "purebred" and a "mixed breed") come to a tie by applause, Dwight makes the selection himself: himself. "All hail your Hay King!" he bellows, to minimal applause. The hay guy presents him with the hay crown. Wearing it, Dwight admits that this was all about a bid "to rectify some childhood disappointment."
Angela's new friend is wondering if he can reach her at work, and she wonders if she can reach him if he calls his wife at home. He says she died a few years ago. "Very sorry to hear that," she lies. They leave the parking lot together, with the maze now empty except an increasingly panicked Kevin.
Darryl opens the closet door and bodily hauls Ryan out of the closet, sitting him down with Stanley and Andy and Pam at the kitchen table. "Consider it a WUPHF in person," he barks (see what I did there?). They pressure him to take the buyout offer, but Ryan insists, "I'm betting on myself." "It's a bad bet," Stanley advises. Enter Michael, and Ryan turns to him for backup, saying they don't believe in the company. Darryl corrects that they don't believe in Ryan. They take another vote, and this time Michael seems to add his own "aye," but he's only saying, "I...do not agree to sell." They ask if he's blind, and Michael says he knows who Ryan is: "He is selfish, and lazy, and image-obsessed, and he is a bad friend. And he's also clever and he shoots incredibly high and he may just make it." Well, he's half right. "But you know what? Even if he doesn't, I would rather go broke betting on my people than get rich all by myself on some island like a castaway, and there is no middle ground." He says he believes in all of them, and gives Ryan nine days. Ryan asks for more time, and Michael refuses. "Okay, I won't let you down, "Ryan says, and disappears back into his closet. He's totally going to let them down.
The Hay King goes back to the warehouse tryst spot, only to find not Angela, but a copy of their baby contract now stamped "VOID." She would have loved that hay crown, too.
In his office, Michael THs about the people the world sends our way. Like Ryan via the temp agency, and Andy's transfer. "No idea where Creed came from." He talks about the cards he's dealt, like Jim the ace, Dwight the king up his sleeve, Phyllis the old maid, and Oscar the queen. "That's easy. Give me a hard one. That's what Oscar said." Toby's the instruction card that gets thrown away, Pam's a "solid seven," and Ryan's a two, "But sometimes twos can be wild. So watch out." Ryan demonstrates this by throwing his folding chair. "And I am obviously the joker, so..." Before this can go any longer, Michael gets a WUPHF from Ryan, which also takes the form of the synthesized voice Michael installed on his computer like five years ago: "Decided to sell company, thanks bro, hell of a ride." Michael heaves a giant sigh of relief.
Time to find out what Jim's been busying himself with. He dials Gabe's extension and plays the audio file he's been building from Jo's voice: "Now listen here, Gabe, you're too fat! No one's gonna like you if you're too fat. I made some changes to my book. See if you like them." Thinking it's really her because he's too dumb to check his caller ID window, Gabe starts sputtering, but fortunately Jim added Jo saying, "Now, I love reading and I hate being interrupted. Shut up and listen, you gay bastard. Chapter one: I was born..." Jim pokes his head in to say goodnight without Gabe being any the wiser.
Watch the episode below, discuss it in our forums, then see the staff's most roastable moments!
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M. Giant is a Minneapolis-based writer with a wife, a son, and a number of cats that seems to have settled at around two. Learn waaaay too much about him at Velcrometer, follow him on Twitter , or just e-mail him at m.giant[at]gmail.com.