By M. Giant
Everyone expects Michael to be devastated after learning that his girlfriend Donna is married, but he seems to be taking the end of the relationship surprisingly well. Of course, that's because he hasn't ended the relationship. Everyone in the office guilt-trips him about it big time, and Andy takes it the most personally as the office cuckold. He even goes so far as to engineer (even though using that term here is an insult to engineers) a meeting between Michael and the husband he's wronging. Michael not only survives the encounter, but comes out of it with the invigorating feeling that comes with abandoning all sense of right and wrong. But that only lasts for a while, and he ends up dumping Donna. Is it still doing the right thing if he does it by text message?
In not-at-all-related news, Angela is taking Dwight to arbitration over their childbirth contract. It looks like Dwight might have to pay damages, but Angela settles for five boinks, at a time and place of her choosing.
And Jim and Pam are feeling the effects of another long, sleepless night with Cece, so Darryl takes pity on them and gives them a cozy little spot in the warehouse where they can steal a nap. Unfortunately, that spot turns out to be right above the time and place of Angela's choosing.
Toby's telling everyone in the staff meeting not to throw away the little radon test kits he's going to be leaving all over, mainly addressing Michael because he's the one who keeps throwing them away. Michael VOs that the first time he thought they were something else, "and the third time, I did it out of spite." Back in the meeting, Toby objects to Michael's disruptive farting noises, and Michael makes the valid point that Toby was the one who called radon "silent but deadly." Well, honestly, what did Toby expect? Michael ends up hijacking the meeting to complain about Toby, and it quickly devolves into a discussion of what to do if you've got two bullets and you're in a room with Hitler, Bin Laden, and Toby. Suffice to say that Dwight's solution is diabolically ingenious. At least in theory, which is something it has in common with Dwight's other diabolical solutions.
Pam and Erin are organizing ice cream for Michael, what with his girlfriend turning up married and all. "When Michael gets a broken heart, this whole place comes to a halt, so we're just trying to get out in front of this," Pam says in a joint talking-head with Erin. She yawns apologetically, explaining that she was up all night with Cece. Erin says it's okay. "Probably shouldn't keep a baby up that late, though."
Hearing that Michael's on his way up, Pam gives a few last-minute instructions (like keep conversations light, and just make a random sound effect of you get stuck). Everyone quickly shoos Toby out when he enters. Poor Toby. Michael comes in, quietly says good morning, and gets greeted like he's Norm on Cheers. Dwight volunteers, "Nice tie or something," Michael makes a weak joke, and everyone laughs, per Pam's instructions. Pam offers him ice cream, and Michael says it's too much for him, so who's like to share? Long pause, broken by Kevin saying, "Boioioioing!" "Okay, well, that's random," Michael says appreciatively on his way into the office. Mission accomplished!
Dwight's still trying to get out of his childbirth contract with Angela, so they're in the conference room with a mediator, who seems a little confused by the "replicant" clause.
In the kitchen, Andy, Pam, Jim, and Phyllis remark on Michael's surprising cheerfulness, and wonder if it means he's still seeing Donna. Phyllis doesn't think he would. "So we're going to say the most likely scenario is that Michael matured overnight?" Jim asks. Andy points out that it happened in Big. That's a point that Jim has to concede.
Later, in the bullpen, Pam and Jim are both "too tired to do this," by which they mean approach Michael. "Have you any idea of the risks involved?" Jim demands. But as Michael comes out of his office on the way to the bathroom, Pam goes ahead and invites Michael to come over for dinner tonight. "In our home and play with our baby," she adds miserably. "We could order in from Hooters," Jim says. Pam adds, "We could watch a movie and play Rock Band." "Billy Joel Rock Band," Jim amends. Looks like he's accepted the risk. But they've dodged this particular bullet, because Michael cheerfully takes a raincheck and starts to continue on his way. But then Pam snaps at him, "Michael Scott! Are you still seeing Donna?" Michael dithers a moment before coming up with this answer: "She's not invisible, so stop asking silly questions." If he was hoping that would stop everyone in the bullpen from coming over all judgy, he's disappointed. And we actually get to hear him say, "Since when is this an office where we delve into each other's personal lives?" In his office, Michael THs that he likes Donna, and the question of whether it's wrong depends on who you ask. "If you ask her husband, or took a random poll, yeah, it's wrong, he shrugs." Meredith tells Michael she'd never do that. "I ask everyone in the room, 'are you in a relationship?'" she THs. Michael makes some lame argument about Scranton being the Paris of Northeastern Pennsylvania, and Kelly forbids Ryan to hang out with Michael any more. Ryan: "Okay." Michael says Donna's fine with it. "How does [her husband] feel about it?" Andy wonders. Michael explains that Donna's husband is a high school baseball coach who gets up and goes to bed so early that he'll never find out. And as an example of people not finding out, he points at Andy. "Okay, now you're just being hurtful," Jim says. Wow, he really is a dad now. Michael makes excuses about other people cheating, like Stanley and Phyllis ("on her diet," he adds with regard to the latter while she looks guiltily into the camera), and points out that sports people are nasty anyway, per Real Sports with Bryant Gumball. [sic] Andy doesn't let him off he hook, so Michael declares a ten-minute moment of silence in memory of Michael Jackson. Surprisingly, Andy doesn't start singing "The Girl Is Mine."
Andy and Michael are at a high school baseball game, and Michael spots Donna's husband, Coach Shane. "Stage right or stage left?" Andy asks. "I played Bat Boy in Damn Yankees." Michael points him out, and Andy starts in an announcer voice, "with two arms , two legs, and a heart capable of feeling pain..." Michael tells him to act normal. About which Andy knows as much as he does about baseball.
.Gabe comes out to the bullpen (the office bullpen, not the baseball bullpen), busts Jim and Pam sleeping at their desks, and calls them into his office. He yells at them for a second, they apologize, and they're cool. So Gabe brings up an e-mail he sent about the printer fires, and they start dozing off again on the spot. I don't think they'd even need to be that tired for that to happen.
Dwight and Angela tell the mediator to skip ahead past the Benjamin Button clause and the Matrix clause, and he says that aside from all that, the contract is solid. However, he can't force anyone to be a parent with anyone else, so that pretty much just leaves the matter of damages, which he says can run around thirty grand. Dwight indignantly THs that he doesn't have that much lying around. "I have it buried very deeply, and I don't want to dig past a certain someone to get it."
Andy is trying to do play-by-play in the bleachers, not hindered by the fact that all he knows about baseball is that it's "like cricket." I've tried to make sense of cricket the other way around, so I think we know where that's going to get him. Andy remarks to Michael that the kids seem to like the coach, and Michael points out that that's because he pays their salaries. Even Andy knows that's wrong.
In the conference room. Dwight is refusing to pay, so Angela pulls out a counteroffer, all prepared: "Intercourse to completion five individual times rendered at my discretion." The mediator tries to say that's not legal, but they shake on it anyway. Dwight THs, "Not a bad stud fee. Better than most horses." The mediator protests, "It's coming dangerously close to prostitution." Ignoring him, Angela adds that she wants eye contact. Dwight refuses, arguing how rare that is in nature. Angela protests, "I am not some farm animal!" Dwight keeps his response to himself, but it's written in 48-point type in his eyes.
Andy is cheering from the stands, the coach specifically. He even goes and greets him by name, claiming that he and Michael are big fans. "Are you guys Kenny's...dads?" the coach asks. "No, but we are gay for baseball," Andy says. But then he yammers on irrelevantly that he has a wife whom he loves. "Isn't marriage the best, you know?" This is certainly a natural, unforced conversation. "You love baseball, what else do you love? Let's round you out as a person." He's trying to get him to say he loves his wife, which the coach impatiently says he does. And then Andy insists on introducing his "associate, Sheldon." Michael THs afterward, "I just looked a man in the eyes, and I shook his hand." With about two fingers, through a hole in the chain link fence. "All the time I was thinking, I'm sleeping with your wife. You know who does that? James Frigging Bond." Well, clearly Andy has taught Michael a lesson.
Michael returns to the office, boisterously passing out orange slices from a bag that he picked up at the game. "I don't think those were yours to take," Pam says. "Well, that wouldn't be the first time I stole something away from Coach Shane," Michael smugs. Andy announces that he doesn't condone this, and even made Michael "confront the victim of his behavior." Pam is shocked that Michael talked to him. "Was there a fistfight?" Phyllis asks a bit eagerly. Michael says no, and she thinks it's awful that it didn't change his mind. Michael sarcastically says he's awful, then, and he wants what he wants. So now he's going to have a piece of cake, because from now on, he'll eat whatever he's hungry for. Kevin: "That is a dangerous game, friend-o." Knowing what we do about Michael's eating habits. I'm not sure how it's going to be much of a change, though.
In the kitchen, Kelly and Ryan leave off arguing about an anthropology book (it's really not what it sounds like) to try to stop Michael from grabbing a big handful out of Meredith's birthday cake. Michael's disgusted to find himself with a mouthful of lemon, but Ryan's deeply impressed. "He takes what he wants," Ryan THs. And then he goes right to Reception and tells Erin, "I think you're attractive and I want to sleep with you." "What about Kelly?" Erin asks. "You read my mind," Ryan says. Erin hisses, "Is this a joke?" Ryan: "Yup!" Exit Ryan. He goes right back into the kitchen, yammering, "It's hard to live that way, man...I don't know how you do it, Michael. I can't be that cold." Awesome. I also think that's the most dialogue Ryan's had in three seasons.
Dwight microwaves a cup of coffee, and presses his crotch against the door. "I will honor the contract. But I don't have to give her the good stuff." Which must be why we see a montage of him subjecting his own gonads to various forms of punishment.
Michael uses up all the paper in the printer without adding any more, to Creed's shock. "He don't give an eff about nothing!" Creed THs in moral revulsion. Michael agreeing-heads, "I've got big balls."
In the break room, Pam and Jim wonder how they're going to get through the day. Pam vetoes an energy drink, since it'll end up in Cece six hours later. "Doesn't mean I can't drink it," Jim says. "Well, it does and it doesn't," Pam snaps at him. You'd think Jim would eventually stop looking so surprised when that happens. Overhearing, Darryl says the guys in the warehouse, many of whom hold down multiple jobs, have a little place that might be of interest to them. "A restful location. Talk to Glenn, he'll take you up in the lift." Darryl rhapsodizes to them about the dark, warm little spot in the warehouse, warning them, "As far as the rest of the office knows, it doesn't exist."
Phyllis enters Michael's office for his signature, but refuses to look at him. Michael loses his temper and goes out to yell at everyone that their disapproval doesn't change anything. "I'm going to leave right now and go to a motel to meet Donna." Kevin asks why not his condo, and I'm skipping Michael's answer because it's gross. Stanley tells him to drop it already, and Michael calls him "Morgan Freeman, narrating everything." Andy says nobody's going to stop him if that's what he's waiting for. Michael says nobody had better try, and leaves. I could have stopped him," Dwight says. Michael goes out and gets in his car. Nobody stops him.
Angela meets Dwight in their old spot, and they duck behind the sliding door. . Which turns out to be right below Jim and Pam's new spot. So they get to hear the sound of Dwight's zipper coming down and Angela asking, "What did you do to yourself?" "Stop kissing me," Dwight says. "It's not in the contract."
Michael drives to his assignation, and over the course of a wordless, twenty-second shot, he visibly changes his mind.
He returns to the office, and without a word to anyone, heads back to the freezer I the kitchen and gets out the ice cream. "How do I feel about breaking up with Donna?" he VOs. "Good. Moral. I feel proud. Like a grown-up. That was not easy. Because I really liked her a lot." Enough to break up with her via text message, it turns out. "At the end of the day, we have to do what's right. And it was either living with myself or being happy. And I picked the l...former." Hey, I've made that mistake. Got e-mails about it, too. The latter/former thing, I mean.
In the tag, Michael comes out of the building and finds himself ambushed by a news crew from WBRE, the NBC affiliate for northeastern Pennsylvania. "Do you want to make a comment on the rumors?" the reporter asks, sticking a microphone in his face. Michael heaves a sigh, and starts to apologize abjectly. I can just see this ending up in 60 Minutes, but it's lucky for him in a perverse way that he concludes, "I vow to never listen to my bodily instincts, ever again." The reporter clarifies, "I'm talking about the Sabre printers that catch on fire." Michael's relieved that she's not asking what he thought she was. "Wait, what's going on?" he asks gormlessly. Yeah, I think we have a set-up for the finale week.
M. Giant is a Minneapolis-based writer with a wife, a son, and a number of cats that seems to have settled at around two. Learn waaaay too much about him at Velcrometer, follow him on Twitter , or just e-mail him at m.giant[at]gmail.com.
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