Things are going well with Michael and Donna, which is a sign that they're about to blow up. Sure enough, some of the employees plant the idea in his head that she's cheating on him. Against the more reasonable advice of Pam and Jim, Michael hires a private detective -- okay, it's Dwight -- to find the truth, but all that does is piss her off. Not badly enough for her to dump Michael, though, and in fact they start planning a trip together. But then Pam finds photographic evidence that Michael's not the only man in Donna's life. Michael confronts Donna, and she confesses the truth: she's married. Ouch.
In other news, Andy learns that the Sabre printers he's been selling might be prone to catching fire. Darryl sees a chance to repay a two-year-old grudge and tricks Andy into thinking he's in danger, as a whistleblower whom the company wants dead. But when Darryl springs the trap (tricking Andy into making an embarrassing video), it gets real. Let's hope Darryl learned his lesson: make a plan time.
The clicking of Pam's mouse and Jim's pen is making Dwight crazy, but not for the reason you think: he thinks they're talking about him in Morse code, which of course he understands. Jim mocks, "Yep, that's what we're doing. In our very limited free time, and with our very limited budget, we went and got a nanny and then we went out and took a class on a very outmoded and unnecessary form of communication just so we could talk about you in front of you." And then he talking-heads, with Pam at his side, "Yep, that's exactly what we did." But what part of "outmoded and unnecessary" made them think Dwight wouldn't be a step ahead of them? Pam says this is their response to her asking Dwight to quit tapping his foot and his responding, "I will when you lose the baby weight." Back in the bullpen, Dwight apologizes to the Halperts. But various forms of clicking continue until Dwight gets up running for Michael's office: "Detonator? Where?" Michael's annoyed at the interruption, so Dwight puts on noise-cancelling headphones. Now he and Pam are angrily blinking at each other in Morse. Jim joins in, ending with a wink to us. It's true; you fight a war long enough, you become the enemy.
Michael THs about how well things are going with Donna. There's a clip of the two of them making out by Security while Hank watches over his breakfast and Angela walks by in disgust, so at least now everyone knows he's not making it up. He admits that he's having trouble focusing on his job. And to demonstrate this, we see him asking everyone in the staff meeting to brainstorm ideas for his upcoming weekend with Donna. The subject of their recent drive to the Poconos comes up, and Kelly asks, "Are you sure she's not cheating?" The reason she asks is because Ryan took her so some out-of-the-way diner when he had two girlfriends. "It's in a Life magazine spread about Americana!" Ryan protests heatedly. Notice he doesn't deny having had two girlfriends. Knowing this topic can never lead anywhere good, Pam tries to nip this speculation in the bud, and Michael's about to end the meeting. But then he remembers Donna won't say "I love you" after nine dates, when he said it on the second. "That seems quick, even for lesbians," says Oscar, which doesn't make it any less of a stereotype. Ryan rattles off a whole litany of cheating signs (which could also be completely innocuous) that he seems to know quite well. Pam is heroically trying to talk Michael down, but he says he can't stop his imagination: "I live in a fantasy world!" His moments of self-awareness are getting more frequent.
Michael finds Dwight in the break room and tells him he wants a private investigator to follow Donna.. Dwight offers himself at a hundred dollars a day plus expenses (Michael agrees to fifty), warning, "You might not like what I find. And you might not like how I find it." He does a hood-slide over the nearest table and rushes out.
Andy tells Stanley that a client just reported their Sabre printer smoking and catching fire. Stanley's unimpressed. So Andy goes and finds Gabe, who is also not terribly alarmed, although he does think a call to HQ is in order. "Yeah, that's what I'll do today!" Darryl, who overheard, plants the idea in Andy's head that this is part of a cover-up. He THs, "Two years ago, Andy blamed the warehouse for a late shipment that he forgot to process. We got yelled at pretty bad, almost lost my job." But he told himself to wait for an opportunity. Looks like the wait is over.
Dwight's got a plan to figure out if Donna's cheating: "Seduce her, bring her to orgasm, then call Michael and tell him the sad news." What could go wrong?
Jim and Pam remark on how Michael is eating ice cream in the kitchen, but he's so desperate for comfort food that it's a bowl of mayonnaise and black olives. They're horrified to hear that he's got Dwight following Donna, and Pam sits down to talk to him about his self-destructive streak. "You're right, I ruin everything," Michael says, running down the list. "Holly, Carol, Jan..." "Helene," Pam reminds him. You know, her mother. Who Michael totally forgot about. Before Pam gets too upset, I should remind her that he also forgot about the Benihana waitress. Jim agrees with Pam that he needs to call Dwight right now.
At Donna's gym, in his slacks and wifebeater, Dwight turns off his buzzing phone (which of course he was wearing outside his pants). He basically stalks Donna during her workout, making inappropriate comments like, "I don't quit until something tears or pops." Finally he drives her off, and when he tries to follow, something in him tears or pops.
Dwight comes half-squatting back into Michael's office and says Donna's not cheating. He hands over his expense receipts for eight protein bars, and Michael's just glad it's over. Which he should know better than to say before the first commercial break. Yes, here comes Dwight's bad news: "I told her not to, but she's coming over here and she's furious. " Yes, Dwight spilled everything to Donna. But there's more bad news: "By the way, I joined the gym. You'll be billed monthly." Michael rolls his eyes in horror and tells us in a desperate whisper of atavistic dread, "I'm not paying for that membership."
Michael is hiding behind the Reception desk and moaning when Donna storms in. Once they're in his office, he blames everyone else for "poisoning his mind." But then he admits that he can't believe she likes him. He's not alone. She tells him, "You need to trust me. Not some freak." He says he understands if she wants to dump him. She impatiently reminds him that she likes him. "Well you...are bonerific," he says, which makes her laugh and decide that they're going to Vero Beach. I bet that wouldn't have worked for Dwight.
Darryl THs that he doesn't have as much of a plan as a loose structure, so he can improvise, like jazz. He performs a little scat that incorporates the phrase "you don't mess with me," and calmly concludes, "I'll figure something out." He's called Andy into his office to say he overheard Gabe saying something on the phone that included the words "Andy," "problem," and "eliminate." Andy gets the message -- by which I mean the message that Darryl wants him to get.In the break room, Kelly quizzes Donna about the heart-shaped diamond earrings she's wearing. Donna unconvincingly claims to have bought them for herself, and tries to avoid being pinned down as Kelly rattles off the names of malls and stores, effectively turning this into a multiple-choice pop quiz. Overhearing this, Pam's antennae go up, and in a joint TH with Jim, she runs down the facts: women don't buy themselves heart-shaped jewelry, a man bought those for Donna, and it wasn't Michael. "Wait, so you like heart-shaped jewelry, though, right?" Jim asks. "No," Pam says decisively, then quickly adds, "Except the heart-shaped pendant that you bought me which I love!"
Creed walks past Andy's desk drawing his finger across his throat. Andy THs that as head of quality assurance, Creed would be part of the conspiracy. Of course, Creed tells us that "Darnell" paid him three bucks. "I've done a lot more for a lot less."
After insisting that Michael leave well enough alone, Pam has gotten into Donna's Facebook profile. She shows us some recent photos of other men kissing Donna. Then there's one from this morning, of a baby. Donna has a baby?! "It's Cece," Pam grins. "She's never going to do anything wrong." Since she was born, Cece has skipped fewer episodes than Ryan.
Pam interrupts Michael and Donna while they're researching their trip online, and the only way she can get Michael alone is to claim she and Jim are having personal issues. But it doesn't even work when she whispers, "Yes, I desperately want to speak with you about my sex life with Jim." Finally she sings out, "I need you to sign this!" "Okay, weirdo," Michael finally says, accepting the folder in her hand. Which is the folder containing the photos of Donna, as he learns when he opens it. Pam distracts Donna until Michael suddenly remembers he needs to go to the bathroom. And that Pam needs to come along.
Andy interrupts a meeting Darryl's having with one of the warehouse guys for an update. "It's bad," Darryl says. ["Still no plan," Darryl THs, almost subliminally.] Andy decides he needs proof, like video of a printer catching fire. "There it is," Darryl whispers to us.
In the hallway (not the bathroom, I'm relieved to say), Michael is stressing out at Pam about the guy in the pictures with Donna: "Lowest of the low. Just a notch above Toby." He's freaking out, and before he goes back to Donna, she tries to calm him down by showing him a baby picture on her cell phone. Which kind of works.
Gabe reports back to Andy about his talk with Corporate: "Twelve reports of faulty printers...out of four hundred thousand." He adds that they've all been user error, caused by a blocked vent. He thanks Andy for bringing it up, and offers him a reward: a five dollar gift card for Dunkin Donuts. Andy smiles, relieved, but Darryl, not ready to let this go, waves him over.
In the parking lot, Michael's trying to catch Donna by making plans to take her to a concert (the Spice Girls opening for Weird Al), but completely screwing it up. Finally he just up and says, "You're cheating. You're cheating on me." Instead of denying it this time, she asks, "How do you know?" He says Pam told her. Donna looks up at the window, where Pam, Dwight, Stanley, and Jim dive away from it like an RPG is coming at them. "Did she see me?" Pam asks from the floor. "Nice effort," Jim says, impressed.
Darrell is filming Andy running a big print job on a Sabre printer, and making him speak in a high voice just to make it extra ridiculous. This is when we learn that Andy's middle name is Baines. About 300 pages in, the back of the printer suddenly belches smoke. Darryl gets deadly serious, and gives the printer a quick blast from a fire extinguisher. He's now in front of the camera with Andy, who introduces him as "my partner, Darryl Philbin. He's been my partner through this entire thing." Darryl does a repenting-head: "I'm just going to be good, stay in my room, go to church, try to do one nice thing per day. I don't want to prank. Any. More." Maybe he should have had a plan.
Michael asks Donna who the other man is. "It's you. I'm married," she says. Michael: "I'm the mistress?" And now we know how Michael got to date her: as someone who not only has romantic photos of someone other than her boyfriend on Facebook but also has an extramarital affair with a guy who's constantly being followed around by a documentary crew, she's the dumbest person this show has ever produced. Which is saying something.
Dwight runs a spinning class at the gym, which is not appreciated by the actual instructor. "If they catch us, they will rape us. Go for the cliff!"
Watch the episode again, and see why Jim and Pam deserve each other!
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M. Giant is a Minneapolis-based writer with a wife, a son, and a number of cats that seems to have settled at around two. Learn waaaay too much about him at Velcrometer, follow him on Twitter , or just e-mail him at m.giant[at]gmail.com.