Sabre turns out to be a very sales-oriented company, and the sales staff are getting pretty obnoxious about it. So when a hotly-anticipated batch of new leads arrives from HQ, Michael withholds them to teach the sales staff a lesson and show them who's boss. His cause isn't exactly hurt by the fact that everyone else from Darryl to Accounting is tired of being Sales' piss-boys as well. Michael turns the search for the hidden leads into an educational scavenger hunt, but things go wrong when the leads end up hidden in a trash can -- whose contents go to the Dumpster, whose contents go to the dump. While Michael and Dwight root through Eastern Pennsylvania's trash and end up getting in a big, ugly, garbage-throwing fight, Jim realizes that he and his fellow salespeople have been acting pretty assy. They decide to make amends with treats and a percentage of their new commissions, but the others are satisfied with the goodies before they even hear about the cash, so everyone's happy. Including Michael and Dwight, who didn't find the leads, but salvaged both a giant beanbag chair and their friendship. Yay?
Michael calls Jim into his office to show him a blurry photo that he took at his condo complex, of a nondescript guy in jeans and sunglasses. He's convinced it's Johnny Depp. "That's right, I read in People magazine that he was looking for a two-bedroom condo in Scranton!" Jim says excitedly. Michael does such a bad Jack Sparrow impression that Jim starts throwing out guesses like John Dillinger (who Depp at least played) and Cap'n Crunch (who, as far as I know, he didn't). Michael finally figures out Jim's mocking him and snaps, "Screw you, Halpert." Yikes, it just got real in here. Then he mocks Jim right back for that time he thought he saw Roger Clemens. At a Yankees game. Jim yields the point, and Michael admits that might be why the name on "Johnny Depp's" mailbox was M Schulman. Jim gets excited all over again, and turns back to ask, "M. Night Shulman?" Michael looks shocked at the teaser's unpredictable twist ending.
Staff meeting. Michael announces that the lost and found has been lost. I'm sure its absence has nothing to do with the glasses Creed's wearing that are totally not his. Michael starts to move on to "pet day," but the sales people are eager to hear about the hot new leads the company bought from a market research firm for fifty grand. And when it turns out there aren't any sales topics at all, all the sales people clear out. Andy and Dwight don't even bother to stick around and suck up.
Michael talking-heads about how Sabre is so sales-focused that the new culture is going to the salespeople's heads. As we see Gabe handing out Sabre swag to just the sales staff, Michael says that the way it used to work was, "Make friends first. Make sales second. Make love third. In no particular order." Kind of strange that Michael's so bitter about the change, given which of those three things he himself is best at.
Dwight comes into Michael's office with an apologetic look to talk about when he was asking about the leads earlier, and would now just like to say, "Is there any news on the leads?" Michael doesn't say anything, so Dwight tells him to try all six of his numbers if they come in while he's gone. Dwight THs that salesman is king, and as the best salesman, he's king of kings. But isn't that Jesus? "What does that say to you about how I think of myself?" Nothing we didn't already know.
Angela stomps over to Phyllis's desk, demanding to know why Phyllis hasn't answered, let alone complied with, Angela's four e-mails summoning her to her desk. Phyllis blows her off. Okay, that one I'm cool with.
Michael is grudgingly congratulating Jim on his big commission check before signing it, but Jim is busy with his phone. "Stop sexting Pam," Michael says. Jim says it's a big potential sale, and just wants Michael to sign the check already. Michael finally does, and Jim ducks out the second he has what he wanted.
Andy's wandering around talking on his headset, and barges into Darryl's office to demand the pencil Darryl's writing with this very second. Daryl refuses to hand it over, even when Andy makes a grab for it and ends up upside-down behind his desk. Nice raspberry sherbet-colored trousers, Andy.
Darryl finds Michael in the kitchen, just as Michael discovers his honey-and-jelly sandwich squished in the bag. Darryl knows it was Sales who did it. "All of 'em. Together. It's a conspiracy." Darryl tells Michael he needs to get back on top, and instead of shaking hands, or fist-bumping, they join in a synchronized "that's what she said." That's an unbreakable bond right there.
In the bullpen, Erin hands Michael a package which he opens to reveal the new leads. The sales people are all excited, and Phyllis even says, "Hand 'em over, Numb-nuts." Phyllis! I'm shocked! So is Michael, kind of. With Darryl watching from across the bullpen, Michael realizes this is his chance to assert a little authority. The sales folks protest, while the others clap in support, and Michael locks himself in his office. With the leads.
Michael is on the phone with Gabe, trying to explain that he wants to avoid rewarding the salespeople's bad behavior, likening it to not giving murderers ice cream cones. "I don't want to incentivize murder," Gabe says reasonably, "but we've tried to make it clear that our policy emphasizes sales staff." Michael complains that they've been treating him like he has no power, but Gabe assures him he does have power -- to support the sales staff. "You are required to hand out those leads, Michael." Michael says he'll do "exactly that," three times, before hanging up. Gabe doesn't fail to notice the three "exactly that"s, but he doesn't know what it means.
Michael comes out to the bullpen to hand out the leads to "King Creed," "King Meredith," and "King Angela." The sales people bitch that those people aren't sales staff; Michael says they're all kings now. "And queens," he adds, looking at Oscar. I say Michael's made a good point, and, for Michael, in a comparatively clever way. Still, after he's done, Jim comes into Michael's office all condescendingly to tell him, "No one's going to go along with this. But you knew that, right?" Yeah, just wait until Creed starts cleaning up on those sales calls. Jim asks for his share of the leads, and Michael readily hands over the little stack of blue cards. Jim's almost out the door before realizing they aren't leads at all. "Those are clues," Michael says, which will lead the sales staff to first a lesson, and then a lead, which are scattered all over the complex. Michael tries to make the argument that this is to make Jim's kid respect him. Okay, he had me and then he lost me.
Phyllis has to go over to Angela's desk to ask for her leads. Angela hands Phyllis the stack of paperwork she'll have to work through to earn them back. "And when you're done you can watch me shred them." Too far, as always.
Stanley seems to be mooching leads off Ryan and Kelly by sitting and listening to them argue, and collecting them one at a time from them by agreeing with each of them in turn. Wow, he wants those leads bad.
Jim calls Pam to whine about his new project and ask, "How are you?" "Uh, nothing but vomit and diapers over here," she says. Jim claims to envy her. He THs, "Having a baby is as exhausting as it sounds." Then, holding up the stack of clues, he adds, "Having two babies, that's just unfair." Not when compared to Michael's five, not counting the sixth on maternity leave. Jim reads Pam one clue that refers to Michael's "moppy place," which Pam translates as his "mopey place. It's under that streetlamp that the thinks was in Casablanca." "God, I love you," Jim says. Michael THs about turning this into a teachable moment as Jim digs a lead out of a pail of spaghetti sauce in the kitchen, to a clue reading "Now that's Italian!" Michael tells us that any other manager might have screwed this up. "Some people shouldn't be in this business."
Andy goes up to Erin at reception, and after a little banter, she admits to hiding the leads. They play hotter and colder, while Andy thinks she's guiding him in for a grope. He looks about to have a heart attack while his hands hover in front of her boobs and she teases, "Lower...lower..." Finally she reveals them under her keyboard. Dude, Andy almost got his scrotum ripped again.
Dwight returns from his sales call to find Jim in the parking lot, rooting around under a parked car. The clue says it's under the first president, which is why Jim is searching beneath a Lincoln. Dwight gloats about Jim getting pranked, until Jim holds up the lead he found and says Dwight's a victim too. "The leads are in?" Dwight says in shock.
Dwight comes in and yells at Michael, who says gnomically, "If you want to find your leads/go to the man who never breeds." Dwight runs over to Kevin and strangles their location out of him: the trash. Thinking it's a code, Dwight tells Meredith to take off her dress. "Okey-dokey," Meredith says, getting up from her desk. Kevin sends Dwight to the kitchen trash can. "It's coming off either way," Meredith announces as he sprints past her. Dwight rushes in to find the trash empty, and a sack clean enough to lick. Which he of course does. It turns out Erin already brought it out to the dumpster. Outside, Dwight dives in with his entire body, and finds it empty. Apparently the whole staff has followed him out there, although nobody follows him into the Dumpster. "What day is it today?" Michael says. Kevin realizes it's Friday because Ghost Whisperer is on. As the entire staff watches, Michael goes running out of the parking lot, after the garbage truck that's already a few blocks away. And judging from the way it's moving, it looks like this was its last stop.
After the ads, Michael is trying to get everyone to come with him to the dump to search for the leads, implying that he'll blame everyone else for this otherwise when he calls HQ. But no one else is going along with this, except Dwight. "Because you'll just screw it up," Dwight adds. Ouch.
Michael and Dwight arrive at a landfill that looks big enough to serve the entire tri-state area, with garbage stretching all the way to the horizon. The good news is that everything that's more than twenty feet behind is either a backdrop or green-screened in, so that will save them time to not have to look through the fake parts of the dump. "This place has gone to hell," Dwight says. Michael says Dwight would have loved the opportunity to do something like this with Michael once upon a time. "The acorn becomes the oak," Dwight says. Michael says not always; just look in his gutters.
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Kelly and Oscar abruptly stop talking about something in the kitchen when Jim comes in. Jim says he can't wait for the day to be over, with all the drama. "What drama?" Kelly says coldly. "Between us and you guys." Jim clarifies uncomfortably "It's so unnecessary, right?" Kelly agrees, to Jim's relief, until she adds, "If the salesmen weren't acting like such a bunch of stuck-up losers, then this day wouldn't be so bad. You ever think of that?" Oscar looks like he wouldn't have said that out loud, but not because he doesn't agree. Rather than beating a retreat, Jim pulls out his cell phone to show off some new baby pictures, which only earns their contempt. "She's wearing a onesie?" he tries. That almost worked.
When Jim calls together Stanley, Andy, and Phyllis in the break room, they're wanting to stand firm, but Jim makes the point that they started it. Phyllis cares so little that she's ready to send their jobs to India. "Can we at least all agree this is uncomfortable and maybe heading for something bad?" Jim presses. They do, unanimously. "All those opposed?" Andy says. "I don't think we need opposed," Jim says.
Michael says Dwight has changed, and Dwight agrees that he regrets not assistant-managing someone else when he had the chance. "I hitched my wagon to a horse with no legs." Michael, hurt, regrets all the time he spent watching kung fu movies with Dwight instead of being at bars, finding his soul mate, and having babies. "Nice babies you're making with the floozies at the bars!" Dwight says. Michael says that's his wife he's talking about. "Your made-up wife who doesn't exist?" Dwight taunts. They start throwing trash at each other. Although it's not as mature or cool-looking as I just made it sound.
Back in the break room, Stanley is shooting down the idea of sharing part of their new commissions with the sales staff, calling it a dangerous precedent. Jim decides to text Pam for ideas, while Andy does the same with Erin. Pam responds that they could give the non-sales staff iPods. "If they don't have an iPod by now, they really don't want one," Phyllis points out. So Jim re-raises the idea of cash. They all agree except Andy, who just got a text back from Erin reading, "People love shells from faraway beaches." At least she's thinking outside the box.
Michael picks up a bathroom sink to hit Dwight with, and ends up soaking his pants from the water that was collected inside. That takes the fight out of both of them as they realize they'll never find the leads. Dwight sits down to Michael on the edge of a bathtub and marvels at the scope. "No other animal on earth could do this. Maybe beavers. But not like this." I just hope Dwight finds a way to use this experience in his iteration of Recyclops.
Back at the office, the rest of the sales staff has invited everyone else into the conference room for snacks and an apology. And that seems to smooth things right over, before they've even brought up the commission sharing. "Well, you better be happy," says Stanley, coming in late. "Taking two percent of our--" Jim interrupts that he forgot two percent milk for the coffee. "Yeah, treats, Stanley," Phyllis says quickly. "They've accepted our simple offer of treats only, nothing more." Stanley is suddenly happy that everyone's back together.
Michael and Dwight are still at the dump, wasting time and bonding. When they return to the office, just as everyone else is leaving for the day, there's a big purple beanbag tied to the roof of Michael's car. The staff members wonder if they're this excited because they found the leads, and Phyllis says she's not going to sit in a disgusting chair from the dump. "Damn right you're not, because it's for me and Michael only!" Dwight whoops, and they high-five.
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It's getting dark now as Erin and Andy take a shift at the dump. He complains about the cold, and she gives him her coat. "You're the nicest person I've ever met," he says. and kisses her for real. Okay show, we get that they're the anti-Jim-and-Pam. You didn't have to make them have their first kiss in the dump. Afterward, Andy comments on the event with a pithy remark: "Riddit dit-dadoo!" Couldn't have said it better myself.
M. Giant is a Minneapolis-based writer with a wife, a son, and a number of cats that seems to have settled at around two. Learn waaaay too much about him at Velcrometer, follow him on Twitter , or just e-mail him at m.giant[at]gmail.com.
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