With Michael having given his two weeks notice, things are even weirder around the office than usual. And most of those things are Michael. He hasn't given much thought to what he's going to do work-wise after this, but after meeting a candidate to replace him, he decides to start his own paper company. He tries to poach most of the Scranton branch employees, without success, but when new boss Charles catches him altering Dunder Mifflin order forms to read "Michael Scott Paper Company," he has Hank the security guard escort him out. But even that exit has too much dignity for Michael, so he sneaks back in, makes a last-ditch effort to get people to follow him, and gets kicked out again. But this time, Pam follows him. After getting the new copier working, apparently she feels like she can do anything -- including being Michael's sales force.
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Michael is holding court in the kitchen about how he went to Corporate and ended up quitting, but he keeps getting bogged down in insignificant details. "He finally has a story we really want to hear," Pam THs in frustration. "And he knows it." Finally Michael gets to the point where he said, "You have no idea how high I can fly." Everyone's a little disappointed that he wasn't more harsh. "You guys have thought about this a lot more than I have," Michael chuckles, more accurately than he realizes. Oscar THs, "I love a good quitting story. It makes me feel like I have control over my own life. Gives me hope. Maybe I'll have one of my own someday." Or maybe not. "But I dream..."
After the credits, TH Jim relates some disturbing news: "Surprisingly, there is a very big difference between Michael trying and Michael not trying." The latter Michael, as we now see, wears his tie loose, goofs around a lot, and drinks scotch and Splenda in the bullpen. Stanley suggests Michael go into his office and make some calls about jobs, but Michael's expecting to hear from a headhunter at any time. "A really good headhunter will storm your village at sunset with overwhelming force and cut off your head with a ceremonial knife," Dwight says helpfully. Just then Charles emerges from the conference room to assign Michael the project of going over a client list. Michael accepts the assignment, but crumples the paper as he backs into his office. Classy.
Later, Andy finds Michael in the kitchen as he's sampling Phyllis's leftover pasta (and then spitting it back in the container). He gives Michael a wrapped farewell gift and says he hopes they can work together again someday. When Michael asks about the gift, Andy he admits it's a bottle of wine. "I already have wine," Michael grumps. Try it with some Splenda, maybe.
A middle-aged guy named Isaac shows up at reception, there to interview for Michael's position. "For regional manager, I've decided to go with an outside hire," Charles THs. "For obvious reasons." Ouch! Isaac sits to Michael, who's just hanging out on the reception couch, and says he's come all the way from Philly because there aren't that many places hiring. "It's brutal out there," he says. That seems to somewhat penetrate Michael's scotch and Splenda haze.
There's a new copier in the office, still half-wrapped in blue plastic. Kevin harangues Pam about when it's going to be ready, and she blows him off. Except she does it by engaging him in a battle of wits, which is kind of like getting into a knife fight with a burrito. She THs about "wear-and-tear," which in this office includes things like Creed putting coins in the air vents to pay for his copies, Angela's cat Bandit chewing on the power cord, and Kevin spilling an entire cup of coffee on the glass. But here's the new one, although it's not set up. "So my day just got a little more interesting," she says, holding up a giant manual.
Unearthly roars drift out of Michael's office. Without turning around or even looking up, Jim instantly figures out what's going on and calls behind him, "It's Monster Dot Com. Singular." "Thank you," Michael calls back. Then we see him boasting about how being in the industry for as long as he has means you get to know the players. So he calls Prince Paper. But the only answer is a recording of Mr. Prince saying in a shaky voice that after 40 years they're out of business. "Bye!" adds his granddaughter. Michael crosses "Prince Paper" off his list, which now leaves "other companies." In a TH, Michael rather worriedly says that he doesn't know what he's going to do. Oh, come on, Michael, you're only halfway through your list.
Michael summons Jim into his office as obnoxiously as possible and tells him he's going to start his own paper company, since that's what he knows. "Do you know the industry's in decline?" Jim wonders. "I practically invented decline," Michael boasts. He's offering Jim a chance to get in on the ground floor, and Jim stands up and tells Michael what he wants for him: a job "at a company that a) exists, and b) has a salary." Charles comes in and makes Jim feel bad about talking to Michael. I'm sorry, but Charles is kind of an ass.
Pam kneels on the floor, paging through the brick-like copier manual. Dwight appears at her side and offers to translate the German instructions for her, but he can only tell her that a funny little thing that sticks out of the side of the copier is either an incense dispenser or a ceremonial sarcophagus. "My German is pre-industrial and mostly religious," he admits in a TH.
Michael wants Pam to change the company name on an order form from Dunder Mifflin to Michael Scott Paper Company. She's already heard about his new idea from Jim, and advises him to think about this. Unfortunately she does not also advise him against doing something unethical and possibly illegal. "This is a dream that I have had since lunch and I am not giving up on it," he insists. So she ends up letting him borrow her tape so he can alter the order form himself.
Kelly is in the conference room talking to Charles about her schedule, and then Angela enters to pitch some accounting seminar. "Did Michael just let anybody in his office?" Charles wonders. They babble happily in agreement. "I am aware of the effect I have on women," Charles THs. Kelly shoos Angela out and tells Charles, "She's such a special person. She's turning fifty this year."
Michael approaches Andy in the kitchen to tell him about the paper company he's starting, and invites him to join. Andy literally goes cockney with awkwardness, until he uses Dwight's entrance as cover to make his escape. It's even more awkward with Dwight, but they agree to put a pin in it. Although in different senses.
Pam prepares to demonstrate the new copier for everyone ("Miss Thing wants attention," Meredith blares), but it goes nutty on her again. While she's looking at the manual, Kevin shows up behind her. "It's not ready, Kevin!" she snaps without turning around. "I have sunk four hours into that copier," she THs. "And I am not going to let it beat me like that wireless router did." Funny, I was expecting a joke there.
In the break room, Oscar bites into his sandwich and finds a note inside telling him to meet Michael in the parking lot. Downstairs, Michael tries to poach Oscar, but Oscar details all the ways this isn't going to work. "Okay, you've got the job, you don't have to convince me," Michael calls as Oscar walks away.
So then Michael accosts Stanley in the bathroom, and gets more nos from him than he's gotten all day. But is he going to give up? Well, he THs in his office, "You know what? I had a great time at prom. And no one said yes to that either."
Pam has finally mastered the copier. She THs about all the stuff she can make it do now. "Which feels..."
You gonna complete that sentence, Pam? No? Okay, moving on, then.
Hank the security guard enters the office, having been called up by Charles. "I can't pretend I haven't seen that," he says, holding up Michael's poorly altered order form that Michael must have left lying around. "So I'm going to ask you to stand up, walk out, and you can't take anything." Michael asks Hank to take his side and escort Charles out of the building, but obviously that doesn't work. As Michael gets up from his desk, trying to project derisive good humor but not really pulling it off, Kevin THs, "I always thought Michael got a bad rap. He's a good guy, and he's super funny. Yeah, maybe I should tell him before he goes. Oh, he's all the way over there."
Michael starts to deliver a farewell speech form reception, but Charles cuts him off and sends him on his way. That's got to hurt Michael more than anything, and you can tell Pam's feeling bad for him. Once he's out of the building, he tries to give his speech from the parking lot, but none of the people gathered at the window can hear him as he puts the top down on his PT Cruiser and continues yelling while he drives away. "And just like that, as mysteriously as he arrived, he was gone," Oscar THs.
Except he's not gone; he's back, sneaking across the parking lot and into the back door. As if Oscar hadn't already been narrating a different show.
Up in the bullpen, Andy is talking to Phyllis about what a "sad dark day" this is. Phyllis tells Andy that Michael is gone. "You don't have to kiss his ass anymore." Man, that lady is growing a mean streak.
In a TH, Toby compares Michael to a movie on an airplane. "It's not great, but it's something to watch. And then when it's over, you're like, how much time is left on this flight? Now what?" That's great. Put that in the promo, NBC.
From his desk, Jim signals to Pam. It seems Michael is belly-crawling across the floor to get to the file cabinets. He tries to reach into one, but Angela holds it shut with her foot. "These are for employees only," she says. Kevin asks why Michael asked everyone except him, Angela, Creed, and Meredith. Don't forget Kelly and Toby and Phyllis, Kevin. Michael says he had to start somewhere, but not with them. With files in hand, Michael then crawls back over to Jim's desk and asks if he's thought about it any more. Jim's still passing. Michael ducks back down when Charles comes out looking for that client list, and goes back to belly-crawling. He leans against the credenza outside the conference room, and whispers that he's their future. "You're older, and you're very happy now, because you went with Michael Scott, right?" It's hard to take your future seriously when it's hiding behind office furniture and whispering to avoid being heard. Asking them if they really all think they're the best they can be here, he wants them to all crawl out together. Nobody moves. So he crawls over and starts pulling on Phyllis's chair. Charles sees this from the conference room and comes outside, so Michael is busted. And Charles is pissed, enough so that Michael says, "I think maybe Hank should be here," he says. Charles says he doesn't need Hank as he takes off his glasses and advances on Michael. Michael throws his stolen files on the floor and runs out. Charles storms back into the conference room, slamming the door. After a pause, Pam stands up and says, "Oh, no," as if what's about to happen is something beyond her control. And in a sense, it is: she's going with Michael. Apparently his speech hit home, on a day when her victory over a copy machine represented a career high point. Concerned, Jim chases her down the stairs, saying, "You can't be serious." He catches up to her in the parking lot, as Pam calls out to Michael that she's coming with him. Between her smile and the shaft of sunlight she's standing in, she's literally glowing. Michael is of course thrilled that anyone, let alone Pam, is coming with him, but she says she doesn't want to be a receptionist any more. "Executive assistant?" Michael asks. "Salesman," Pam corrects. Jim just grins at the camera as they shake on it. Wow, there's supportive, and then there's Jim Halpert. Michael invites him to come along one more time. "Still no," Jim says quickly. So there are limits. Michael wants Pam to come with him now, but Pam says her stuff's up stairs. Michael asks if everyone's watching. They are, including Charles. Jim tries to give Michael one of his lectures, this one being about how this isn't how you leave an office. "Jim, Jim, Jim, we're having a company meeting here," Michael interrupts. So Jim agrees to bring Pam's stuff home for her. And that's it. Michael and Pam walk out of the parking lot together, their smiles fading as the euphoria of their escape begins to give way to the reality of what lies ahead of them. It's like the end of The Graduate or something (spoiler!)
In the tag, Charles calls the remaining troops into a short meeting: until they get a new receptionist, he wants Kevin on the phones. And, to curtail the time-wasting that's rampant in the office, Stanley will be his "productivity czar." That's going to cut into Stanley's crossword time. Even now, he looks up from his puzzle magazine with concern. The meeting breaks up, and everyone gets up and goes back to work -- except Stanley and Kevin. Clearly Michael and Pam aren't the only ones facing big life changes.
M. Giant is a Minneapolis-based writer with a wife, a son, and a number of cats that seems to have settled at around two. Learn waaaay too much about him at Velcrometer, follow him on Twitter (mgiant), or just e-mail him at m.giant[at]gmail.com.