David Wallace sends Michael on a fact-finding mission to help Dunder Mifflin swallow up a little mom-and-pop paper company. Michael and Dwight get the goods (despite themselves, naturally), but Mom and Pop -- and Son, and Granddaughter, for that matter -- are so darn nice that Michael refuses to do anything that would destroy their business. Except Dwight makes him.
The whole rest of the episode -- and the rest of the cast -- is fully occupied by a silly, tedious debate over whether Hilary Swank is hot or not. You probably won't be surprised to hear that the staff is evenly divided. Until Michael casually and obliviously casts the deciding vote: hot. Well, now she can sleep tonight.
Dwight discovers a mysterious red wire leading from the back of his monitor. Jim, of course, knows nothing of it. Or so he claims. But Dwight, in increasing panic, follows the wire all around the bullpen, out the door, down the hall, across the parking lot...
Jim THs about how he got a great deal on 500 feet of red wire at the flea market. The camera zooms in over his shoulder, where Dwight can be seen out the window, climbing the telephone pole. "Oh, he'll be fine," Jim assures us. "I made it up there." And Jim probably wasn't even as motivated.
"Whatchoo talkin' 'bout, Wallace?" Michael says to his boss over the phone. How long have they been sitting on that? Wallace explains that with the Regional Supervisor position still not filled, he needs Michael to do some field work for him. Specifically, there's an area of Pennsylvania where DM hasn't been able to do any business, because some privately-owned paper company seems to have a stranglehold on it. Wallace dispatches Michael to look into it. So he can't really want to know that badly.Out in the bullpen, some kind of debate has broken out over whether Hilary Swank is hot. Jim would like everyone to just move on and get back to work, so he calls a vote so they can be done with it. Oh, silly Jim. Of course, with Angela abstaining because she's above it all -- still, somehow -- it's a 5-5 tie. "What do we do now?" wonders a distressed Kevin.
Michael is bringing Dwight along on his fact-finding mission, and they're spending the car ride arguing over which one of them gets to seduce the owner's hypothetical beautiful daughter to get their secrets. "You'll fall in love with her," Dwight predicts scornfully. Fortunately, they have a real plan that does not involve hypothetical beautiful daughters: Michael will pose as a potential client of Prince Family Paper, and he'll go by the name -- what else -- Michael Scarn. Dwight, on the other hand, will pose as a jobhunting paper salesman. Between the two of them, they'll get the goods on the company. And then they fall to arguing over whether they'll meet afterward at Denny's or IHOP. Dwight's being rather openly disrespectful of Michael this week. I guess dumping the engaged woman you've been secretly having sex with can do that for a guy.
They stake out the business, which is set up in a strip mall storefront, from the parking lot. Dwight makes a few astute observations that indicate Prince is not expanding, and kind of mocks Michael for trying to join in. There he goes again. They'll go in ten minutes apart, act like complete strangers, and agree on a signal to abort: licking their lips. Dwight makes Michael practice, and they sit there in the front seat licking their lips at each other for about a minute, like they're French-kissing with their faces a foot apart. It's quite disturbing. "Here come the sharks," Michael says as they begin humming the Jaws theme. And of course they have to hum it twice.
Before going in, Michael talks to us about the food chain, which he understands as consisting of sharks eating smaller sharks, all the way down to single-celled sharks. When he enters, it seems like a bona fide family business. There's even a kid there. And of course all the scenes in the storefront are shot from the parking lot, through the open Venetian blinds. It's distracting, but I suppose bringing the camera crew in would give things away a bit. As the kindly, jovial owner greets him and invites him to sit down, Michael pretends to be the owner of a law firm. He gets the guy to tell him he has about 80 clients; that the entire operation is him, his wife, and his son (all of whom are present); and that he opened it up when he got back from Vietnam. A normal person would flash back to the "Since 1968" sign above the door, but Michael says, "Ahh, Vietnam. I hear it's lovely."
The entire office is now getting ready to debate the issue of Hilary Swank, with Andy as moderator. But first they have to agree on the terms, namely the difference between "attractive," "beautiful," and "hot." "A painting may be beautiful, but I don't want to bang a painting," Kevin explains. Thanks for clearing that up.
Michael nearly blows his cover by knowing a little too much about the logistics of paper delivery, but then saves it by explaining, "I am a genius." Realizing that sounds immodest, he admits he's an idiot about some things, and acts like he's trying to drink out of Mr. Prince's tape dispenser. He does get a laugh out of the guy, which he of course milks for too long. Luckily, Dwight suddenly bursts in and announces, "Hello! I'd like to apply for a job!" Mr. Prince says they aren't hiring. Dwight suggests Prince get rid of his son. "I'm your son now. You can visit him on holidays." He acts all cocky, pointing out that he's got 90 clients of his own. "Better watch out, someone might run you out of business," he warns. "I sure hope not," Mr. Prince chuckles. Oh, that poor, sweet, dumb guy.
Back at the branch, Jim's got the floor, and is making a flowery speech about celebrities and reality that Kevin quickly loses patience with. So Jim has Kevin close his eyes, and spins a scenario where Hillary Swank comes in and offers to make out with him. Kevin nods, smiles, and crosses the aisle to the "hot" side. Debate over? Nope -- Kevin suddenly changes his mind and goes back to the "not hot" side. He tells Jim, "It's 'Is she hot,' not 'Would you do her?' Respect the game." From her abstaining position in the corner, Angela voices her disapproval. Some more.
Dwight has managed to not get kicked out of the Prince Paper office yet, even though Mr. Prince should be paying attention to his potential client instead of an obnoxious job applicant he has no intention of hiring. Indeed, Mr. Prince asks Dwight why he's considering leaving. Dwight says it's his boss. "His insensitivity could border on the cruel. This is a man who does not listen to the needs of his underlings." Michael snaps, "Hey!" then remembers to ask, "How's the interview going?" Then he asks Mrs. Prince to pose for a picture, which Michael takes as a pretext for getting a shot of their territory map that's hanging on the wall. Smooth, Agent Scarn. Then he "helps" the granddaughter with her algebra homework in every wrong way you can think of.
Kevin is holding forth on how he kept expecting a Crying Game twist at the end of Boys Don't Cry, and finally Angela is so disgusted that she gets up to break the tie and make Kevin lose. "She's hot," Angela declares. "She's hot as heck. She's a female Boris Becker." Debate over. For now.
Michael is about to take his leave, but first the owner wants to give Michael a list of their top clients. It's all there -- names, phone numbers, e-mail addresses. Even Michael knows this is pay dirt. He and Dwight lick their lips at each other, and Dwight loudly asks Michael for a ride home. They take off excitedly, like they've gotten away with something, but when they get in the car, Michael puts the car in the wrong gear and runs over the parking lot divider. And then he backs up and runs over it again. Smooth, Agent Scarn.
Toby's in the bullpen, taking in the various photos of Hilary Swank on the walls with a serious expression on his face. Finally, he turns to everyone like he's about to deliver a lecture on how inappropriate this is...but then simply shakes his head. Well, it's not like he did his job last week, either. And it's tied again. Kelly turns out to be quite invested in this: "If you're saying that Hilary Swank isn't hot then you're saying I'm not hot because I'm obviously not as hot as Hilary Swank!" She runs off in tears. Well, at least nobody will ever mistake Kelly for John Leguizamo.
Michael has half-torn the front bumper off his PT Cruiser. All the Princes come running out to help, and the patriarch even runs off to get his toolbox. You can already tell this is going to make it hard for Michael to screw them.
It's now Pam's turn, as she says that they can't let the Kevins of the world decide this for them. "We don't even give him full internet access." Kevin: "Wait, what?" And Oscar has a visual aid: he's superimposed a grid over a giant projection of Hilary Swank's face to scientifically demonstrate the symmetry of her features. "Yes, she's attractive," Oscar lectures. "But she's not hot."
The Princes have finished duct-taping Michael's bumper back in place. As they wave and go back inside, Dwight mocks them for the suckers they are. "Here, shark, let me fix your fin for you and sharpen your teeth while I'm at it!" Michael is, to his credit, in an obvious moral dilemma. Well, obvious to everyone but Dwight. On the way back to the office, Dwight keeps trying to get a high five from Michael, and keeps getting left hanging.
In the office, the debate falls silent as Michael and Dwight return as though from a funeral, and lock themselves in Michael's office without a word to anyone. "What will happen to that family if I call Wallace and give him this information?" Michael asks. Dwight readily answers, "Wallace would use that information to destroy them." Michael wants to live and let live. "I'm not familiar with that expression," Dwight says, quite convincingly. He insists Michael get over his reservations about giving Wallace the goods. "Your heart is a wonderful thing, Michael. But it makes some terrible decisions." Michael can't argue with that, and runs down a few examples: "Jan, Ryan..." Dwight says if they don't do it, someone else will. "Or worse yet, someone will do it to us."
Stanley gives an impassioned speech about how life is short, and Hilary Swank is hot. I think it's kind of the other way around.
Dwight finally convinces Michael to do the wrong thing by talking about how "If Frodo hadn't destroyed the Ring, then goodness itself might have died." Michael agrees that Dwight is right, and he'll call Wallace with the information. And then he gets up to leave. Dwight asks where he's going with the client list. "Someplace safe...where it can't hurt anyone," Michael moans, and runs with Dwight pounding along behind him through the bullpen, down the hallway, down the stairwell, and all the way to his car, where he realizes he doesn't have his keys. Back into the building, back up the hallway, back into his office to grab his keys, and back into the bullpen, where Dwight cuts him off. Michael dashes out the back way, but Dwight intercepts him outside and grabs the list away, then holds it high so Michael can't reach it. "I'm not a shark," Michael pants, trying and failing to make another leaping grab at it. You hear that, Mr. Prince? Michael would die 4 U.
Andy is taking another vote, but it's still deadlocked, 6-6. Too bad Kevin's not clever enough to come up with a joke about a hung jury.
Michael is just wrapping up his call to a very happy Wallace, with Dwight standing smugly behind him. Wallace is quite pleased with Michael's performance. Afterward, Michael VOs about what a bittersweet moment it is. "It's bitter because I slightly destroyed a wonderful family. But sweet, because David Wallace thought I did a good job." That's why he doesn't like bittersweet chocolate. "Why not just sweet? I mean, who are you helping?" Well, that's hilarious.
Tag: Michael sees the Hilary Swank pictures still on the wall outside his office. "Ooh, she's hot," he murmurs. We have a winner.
M. Giant is a Minneapolis-based writer with a wife, a son, and a number of cats that seems to have settled at around two. Learn waaaay too much about him at Velcrometer, follow him on Twitter (mgiant), or just e-mail him at m.giant[at]gmail.com.
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