By M. Giant
Andy's been in blissful ignorance for the 17 days since Phyllis told everyone else about Angela's affair with Dwight, and Michael can't take the awkward tension any more. So he takes Andy aside and spills the proverbial beans as he's literally driving out of the parking lot to meet with David Wallace at corporate. Michael's worried about what Wallace wants, but when it turns out that his boss just wants to know why Scranton is doing better than all the other branches, he gets cocky in a hurry. And boring. Meanwhile, back at the branch, acting-boss Jim is almost completely at a loss as to what to do about Dwight and Andy, who plan to "duel" over Angela in the parking lot. The confrontation goes down about as ridiculously as you might expect, with Andy slowly pinning Dwight against the hedge with his Prius. They exchange taunts through Andy's windshield, but it gets really real when Andy mentions that Angela's slept with him, too -- twice. Both are heartbroken. And Angela, who was all excited about having two men fight over her, instead ends up having two men dump her. Even the Dwight bobblehead goes in the trash. Good thing those are a lot easier to find now.
Okay, here's what happens: I get home twenty minutes before the episode airs, in plenty of time, only to find that my cable box is out. After more than ten minutes on hold with my cable provider (clue: its name rhymes with "bombast,"), I decide, fine, I'll record and watch it upstairs, on my recapping TV. Except that TV's attached to a VCP, which doesn't record, it only plays. So I quickly unhook the downstairs VCR and haul it upstairs, where I hook it up, and after a few minutes of wrestling with coaxial cables and extension cords, I hear -- but do not see -- two things. One is the end of the teaser, and the other is the VCR eating the tape. So let's just say I'm glad these episodes go up online early the morning.
Pam answers the phone at reception, and has to tell the caller that Michael "is not in yet." In fact, he's down in the street, running past one of those roadside speed indicators that tell you how fast you're going as you drive by. "Twelve miles an hour!" he pants. "Beat that, Carl Lewis!" Pam explains that Angela tattled on enough fast drivers that the cops set it up there. "It's actually caused a bit of a traffic hazard," she THs. We now see that most of the office is assembled on the curb, watching Dwight make a screaming pass. Since he clocks 13, Michael wants a do-over, even bogarting Oscar's turn. A car passes at the same time, registering 31, and Michael claims that as his number. "Beat it!" he dares Oscar.
B.J. Novak is still in the credits...why?
Michael pretends to be excited about being called in to Corporate to talk to David Wallace about "big picture" stuff. But even Michael can't keep up the pretense that he thinks this is a good thing; he is in fact scared shitless.
While Kevin is excitedly sampling Pam's new desk candy (which I didn't mean to sound as dirty as it does,) Andy enters the office with the air of a man who wants to make a big, painful, awkward announcement. But to everyone's (partial) relief, he's just hurt that everyone missed the RSVP deadline on the wedding invitations. Michael, confused, starts to say, "Wait, you still don't know--" Jim springs up from his desk and all but manhandles Michael into his office, much to Andy's confusion. And he still hasn't gotten any RSVPs.
Jim THs that it's been 17 days, and Andy still doesn't know about Dwight and Angela. "Eventually he'll figure it out, when their kids have giant heads and beet-stained teeth, but right now it's just...awkward."
Later, almost everyone except the principals in the matter are in the break room when Michael comes in, clearly bothered by Andy's ignorance and ready to take matters into his own hands. "It shouldn't come from you," Dwight insists as he enters. Michael asks who, then. "Angela," everyone says in unison. Like that's going to happen. Michael asks Dwight if it's still going on, and Dwight's smug look is all the answer anyone needs. "Did you ever have intercourse in this office?" Michael asks, as though he's some kind of office virgin. Unnoticed, Phyllis nods to herself in her corner, but Dwight is holding his peace, even as an increasingly distraught Oscar demands to know where. "Seems like you already know where," Dwight whispers evilly.
Later, almost everyone except the principals in the matter are in the break room when Michael comes in, clearly bothered by Andy's ignorance and ready to take matters into his own hands. "It shouldn't come from you," Dwight insists as he enters. Michael asks who, then. "Angela," everyone says in unison. Like that's going to happen. Michael asks Dwight if it's still going on, and Dwight's smug look is all the answer anyone needs. "Did you ever have intercourse in this office?" Michael asks, as though he's some kind of office virgin. Unnoticed, Phyllis nods to herself in her corner, but Dwight is holding his peace, even as an increasingly distraught Oscar demands to know where. "Seems like you already know where," Dwight whispers evilly.
Later, in accounting, Angela is complaining to Kevin about screwing up a form. He apologizes: "I didn't realize I was doing something wrong. If I had, I would have admitted it and stopped right away. Because I wouldn't want an innocent person who doesn't know anything about the form..." He goes on until Angela puts on her noise-canceling headphones. Oscar congratulates Kevin, with the minor caveat that he wasn't really talking about the form at the end there. So Kevin tries again: "I'm sorry I did such a whorish job filling out this form." Much better.
Dwight is getting nervous about having to sit with his back to Andy, especially when the latter abruptly snaps at his cake person over the phone. He offers to switch places with Jim, and when that doesn't work he steals Jim's coffee spoon to use as a mirror. Dwight THs about "Rule 17: don't turn your back on bears, men you have wronged, or the dominant turkey during mating season." This is one of the 40 rules all Schrute boys must learn. Which even comes with a song: "Learn your rules/you better learn your rules/if you don't, you'll be eaten in your sleep [chomping noise]." This TH is also noteworthy, because it's the first and last indication that Dwight sees himself as having wronged Andy in any way whatsoever.
Dwight clears his throat and moves his Dwight bobblehead a few inches to one side, which is apparently the secret signal that he wants to meet with Angela. In the hallway, Dwight pressures her to tell Andy. She doesn't want to. And you know how Angela is about doing things she doesn't want to do. Especially when they involve Andy.
When Dwight returns to his desk, he has to tell a waiting Michael and Jim, "Not yet." "When?" Jim presses, all nosy. Andy wonders what's going on, and his curiosity doesn't exactly dissipate when Michael, Dwight, and Jim enter Michael's office and close the door behind them. Inside, Dwight tries to assure the other two that Angela will tell Andy when she's good and ready. "Is she crazy in bed?" Michael asks out of nowhere. Jim tries to drown out Dwight's answer (which includes the words "eager" and "flexible," so try harder time, Jim) by saying this shouldn't happen at work. "Too late," Michael decrees as he puts his coat on to leave for Corporate, and to tell Andy on his way out. Jim and Dwight are actually in agreement that this is the wrong way to go. "This has to get out, so we can all deal with it," Michael insists. "But you're leaving," Jim says. Michael...is.
In the bullpen, he invites Andy to walk with him to the car. Andy does. Everyone looks nervous about what's going to happen when Andy comes back, most of all Angela.
As Andy and Michael cross the parking lot to Michael's car, Michael launches on a long, meaningless preamble about bad news, but seems to chicken out when he reaches his car. But then, somehow the safety (and sound-muffling properties) of his closed door and window give him the courage to say, "Dwight and Angela are having an affair, so..." Andy has to make him repeat it, so Michael does, opening the window and backing out. "Are you serious?" Andy calls after Michael's departing car. The crowd watching from the conference room window above quietly disperses. As everyone hurries to get back to their desks before Andy returns, Meredith claims a premonition of something bad happening today. "You said that yesterday," Oscar points out. "My neighbor got murdered," she says. So she's batting 1000. When everyone's sitting but Dwight ("if I'm sitting, I can't disable his neck or his groin," he explains to Jim), Jim pulls rank to try and get him to take his seat. Too late; Andy's already back. In the dead silence, he goes over to Angela's desk and asks to talk to her in the conference room. Once they're inside, he confronts her with the accusation. "That doesn't sound like me," Angela dodges. Finally he makes her answer the question of whether she's sleeping with Dwight, which she does thusly: "A little." He asks how long it's been happening. She goes on about how she and Dwight used to be together, then broke up, then started again, pretending to forget the part that they started again on the night he proposed. Andy asks who else knows about it, but one glance at the crowd outside the conference room window tells him all he wants to know. Or doesn't want to know, as the case may be.
At Corporate in New York, very nervous Michael is in Wallace's office, listening to him talk about how much better Scranton is doing than all the other branches, which is his wind-up to a difficult question, which turns out to be, "What are you doing right?" Michael is so relieved that he's not in trouble, and so thrilled to have the ear of the CFO, that he goes right into blowhard mode as he begins outlining his philosophy: "Don't ever, for any reason, do anything, to anyone for any reason ever, no matter what." Except he doesn't stop there. "Sometimes I start a sentence and I don't know where it's going," he THs afterwards. "Like an improvised conversation. An improversation." Wallace does his own TH: this is no time to ignore anyone who's being successful, no matter how weird or annoying he might be. Even if he wants to interrupt your TH to suggest ordering in pasta.
Dwight is out in the parking lot, alone, calling Andy out and whipping some kind of short, skinny leather loop around. Andy is nowhere to be seen. Of course, there's a crowd gathered in the window above again, because they're all too grown up to gather around in a big circle in the parking lot. "I can't believe they're going to fight over me," Angela marvels. Yeah, me either. "I guess people have fewer choices as they get older," Kelly speculates. Down in the parking lot, Dwight finally notices a note pinned to the high hedge bordering the parking lot. Dwight thinks it's a pathetic showing from Andy, but begins reading it aloud anyway. It admits that Dwight would beat him in any physical confrontation. "The soft underbelly of my refined upbringing is my soft underbelly," Andy wrote. Oh, hey, there's Andy -- behind the wheel of his Prius, which is slowly pulling out of a parking spot and approaching an unsuspecting Dwight from behind. "The Prius is silent if he keeps it under five miles per hour," Oscar explains to his fellow spectators. "He deserves the win." And it looks like he's going to get it, as Andy slowly crushes Dwight's knees against the hedge with his front bumper, effectively trapping him half-turned around. Jim actually runs for the door. "Get out of there and face me like a man!" Dwight rages, thumping Andy's hood with his loop. Without getting out of his car, Andy yells back that he's more of a man than Dwight. "I would never sleep with another man's fiancée!" Dwight taunts back that Andy isn't a man. "All you do is dress fancy and sing!...You can't even protect her!" Andy: "Protect her from what? Bears, you idiot? When's the last time you saw a damn bear in Scranton?" Dwight: "Last year, idiot!" Jim arrives and heroically asks Dwight if his legs are broken. "My right one's falling asleep a little bit," Dwight admits." "Go away, Tuna, I'm winning this!" Andy yells from his car. Jim backs off, retreating around a corner so he can listen to them bicker with a pained expression on his face. Finally Andy yells, "I don't get it! How can she be sleeping with you this whole time and only sleep with me twice?" Whoa, what? Angela slept with Andy? That even gets Dwight's attention. "She said she was only sleeping with me," Dwight murmurs, heartbroken. Andy puts his head on his steering wheel. Dwight looks up at the window, where Angela is the only one still watching. Aside from all of us, that is.
Everyone's back in their places by the time Andy returns, shortly followed by Dwight. Both seem unhurt, at least physically. Both go straight to their desks without sparing a glance for Angela, who's looking at both of them in expectant suspense. Andy gets back on the phone with the cake person, but this time to cancel the order. And Dwight makes like he's going to move the Dwight bobblehead, but he drops it in the trash instead. Well, those are two very clear messages, both of which Angela receives loud and clear. Looks good on her.
On the sidewalk outside Corporate, Michael's gushing about what a great day he had. "Just goes to show, you leave Scranton, exciting things can happen." Yes, in Scranton.
And the tag is simply Jim confiscating a large hunting bow from where Dwight had it hidden under the reception sofa. Way to defuse the situation, Jim.
M. Giant is a Minneapolis-based writer with a wife, a son, and a number of cats that seems to have settled at around two. Learn waaaay too much about him at Velcrometer, follow him on Twitter (mgiant), or just e-mail him at m.giant[at]gmail.com.
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